My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?

The Surge

I'm having homesick surge right now... all of a sudden.

not really, i've been having the feeling of wanting to go back home for a month or two now. just to go back home and see my mom. just to see my mom. just that. i don't know why and i can only pray that because it can't happen now, and if it won't happen sooner, it will happen later when the time comes. i just want to see my mom.

have a chat, bake and cook together, listen to her talking, just chill in front of the tv, me taking her out anywhere for a meal. the simple things we always do. at least to see her all alright, that would be enough. been feeling that for a while now, but tonight it's waterworks and all.

i really can't afford to be homesick right now, i have a deadline to catch.

i hope it's all hormones and tomorrow it will be gone.

Healthy Lifestyle, Not Healthy Phase!!!

i'm gonna blog about this as a reminder for myself in the future.

ama, the next time you're gonna make bad decisions with permanent, if not stubborn consequences, read this.

skip the diet. just eat healthy. you don't have to watch what you eat, just eat moderately. occasional pampering is okay.

working out is not a challenge or a phase. it's a routine. don't ever stop. be consistent even if the easiest step is all you can do.

because i have lost almost 10 kilos and i wouldn't want to get back to where i started. after i arrived in UK, i gained weight. they say it happens. once you go overseas, you'll gain weight. 5 kg. they were right. the so called period of adjustment, when it's really just a period of eat everything new! so i didn't really care, especially because i was in sheffield. i don't have to look decent on daily basis lol since i literally don't see anybody in my class. even when i did see people it's not like i wanted to impress them. i don't have friends who'd bitch about me gaining weight here since all my friends were new people. and most of all, i knew if people really care about me, they'd embrace me all the same. in the literal sense, would i not be more cuddly? 

the thoughts "so what?", "to hell with it!", and "i'm loved and lovable even when i'm chubby (lol)" comforted me. so i ate more comfort food, haha.

then the needle hit that number. man. i weighted just like i did when i was 14. it had been years since i was this heavy. and... flabby. thick and fat. this couldn't go on, it had to change.

so i made changes. and i see changes now.

some people might say i didn't have to change a thing; i was not that fat, i was only chubby, they thought i still looked pretty, when all i was was pretty chubby to me. Yeah it's not that bad, but before it got worse it gotta stop, right? I was on this heavenly and healthy diet where i didn't have to starve myself and i could eat as much as i wanted; the catch is some food are forbidden. Don't eat the forbidden food at all. Eat everything else which is allowed in generous amount. And you can drop a few pounds just like that in a week!

Some people didn't see the point of me going on diet. some even said they didn't see the effects of my new eating and exercising habit! but i don't mind. heck, i take that as a compliment. but i did mind my body. because i could see. i could see it was changing to be what i didn't like it to be. and now i can see, how different it looks and i like it. you don't see it? lol it's not for you anyway.

no amount of "you look just fine" with more compliments i didn't deserve could make me feel okay. thank you, but i'm sorry. if i don't look okay to me, it's not okay. even though it's already enough for everyone else, or somebody that matters. i see what you don't see. but of course, the kind words help to comfort, even if it doesn't convince me. hew hew. it's not that i wasn't thankful. i was. but you can't say at least i'm not obese. that'd be too late, i was already borderline overweight. i was only comparing myself to the me who was less chubby. if you say i should be thankful with how God had created me, then hell yeah i am! that is why i must take care of his creation! God did not create me loaded with fat and diseases. that was not how i was designed. He created me perfect and healthy. hence i must be.

but with regrets i announce no amount of cut down food consumption, cardio exercises or weight workout could shed off these perfectly healthy cheeks of mine. maybe they are a blessing. maybe, they are an asset. you'll never know. hik hok.

this is not mine i googled it. but it's true. i want to feel good and look good! :3

but yeah, i did this not for anybody else. for nobody but me. i need to feel good about myself. as much as i liked to eat, i also liked to be fit. i'd like to look decent. i'd like to be satisfied with how i dress, and comfortable in my clothes. i'd want to be confident with the way i carry myself. i wanted to not lose my breath when i walked uphill to my department building. i wanted to walk around and everywhere feeling light and easy. i needed stamina, not struggle. on top of everything, i needed to be healthy. i didn't feel healthy. i didn't know for sure, but i for one knew i had been healthier.

you can be young and you can eat everything, but don't think when you're old, that everything won't come back to get you. you don't even have to be old to be sick. remember that. i have family history of diseases, so i do give a dang about what i eat, not only how i look like.

i was that type of person who didn't consume much sugar, except in cooking and for occasions. i wasn't one to eat cookies or biscuits or chocolates or cakes or ice cream or anything of that sort frequently; i didn't have sweet tooth. i wouldn't know what to buy from sweet things aisle because i simply didn't consume sugary stuff. i didn't drink much air manis atau air gas either; my fav was good ol' plain water. you can never have too much plain water! and oh yes, green tea without sugar. the satisfaction of feeling healthy from the bitter tea. I ate in appropriate portion and basically limited my junk-non-real-food. now i'm becoming that person again, with new healthy habits. no regret, only feel good.

i know that's not much of a healthy lifestyle, but that's something. compared to nothing. nothing was what i did in UK at first, which by contextual definition was eat everything!!!

i know some people can eat everything and not gain a single pound. well lucky you. i'm just not that person. and i'm not the only one. so don't go around saying "urgh, you don't eat it? too bad. i eat everything nom nom." that's so insensitive of you when people have to make efforts for things you oh so effortlessly are. now imagine a genius giving you that look when you're studying and say "why would you even study? look at me, i don't even bother and still smart as ever." and imagine me saying "you have to spend a lot on skincare and cosmetics? what a waste! my skin doesn't need all that at all." that's being a prick isn't it? now you know.

some people are lucky in some ways. different people different luck and struggles. so shut up when you're lucky, and suck it up when you're not :)

now i'm sucking it up, and telling myself that this is not a phase, this is not a process, this is a routine, this is ongoing. this is a lifestyle. i have no intention to go on diet again. so i must not eat carelessly now and think i will lose what i gain later. i will not lose weight anymore because i will not gain anymore weight. i just have to eat in moderation, do my work out routine and be consistent.

and honestly, i like how i look post work out session. so radiant. kah kah kah. 

bye.

p/s: ok actually i also lost weight because i knew i would gain it back once i'm back in malaysia. people be preparing for summer body so they can flaunt it but i'm preparing for holiday body so i won't be fatter, just fat. ikr, genius.

Well wishes

Yesterday was one of the nights of revisiting memory lane. yes, revisiting. because one visit is never enough, lulz. i scrolled through some screenshots in my old phone. laugh at some, smile at some, sad about some, and um, cried because of some. if you count two sheds of tears as that.

uploaded something on insta, too. and also posted a status of the same subject. hahaha.

I always think of good people who have ever been good to me and wish good things will happen to them, because they deserve it. Wherever you are, whatever you do, i wish you well :)

revisiting memory lane has those effects, you know. it also makes you want to reach out to people who once stood and sat beside you. most of the time, i don't reach out to anyone. i just think about them, and good thoughts come across my heart. i hope they count as prayers. i'm sure they are.

the post and status were not individually dedicated to anyone. nobody was personally mentioned. it was general, and for many people. but there was somebody i reached out to yesterday.

some of the screenshots reminded me of those months, weeks, and days, when i was not okay. really. not. okay. there was a friend who knew because she accidentally got involved in my life's mess, and she tried to make sure i survived. that i ate. that i went out. that i socialized. god even typing this gives me misty eyes. wth ama.

so i sent her this:

good people deserve good things in this world. and i'll be happy when their time comes :)


funny how i surprised someone with such a text yesterday, and today i received a similar message.

i haven't talked to this person in a long time. in fact, we didn't really talk much even on the internet. sure, some conversations, but that's all. are we friends? not in my definition. we were schoolmates who chatted online and smiled at each other in real life. but i think that person is nice to talk to, and we could talk to each other easily, which is nicer. the last time we did was when i was asked where was i now, to which i replied UK and got no reply after that. then today i got this.

i was a bit late in replying, as i always am, and it was really too late this time... of course i couldn't reply, the account has been deactivated. i wanted to say thanks and some well-wishes too :( it was my fault because i took a look at that message and saw the first few words, and did not open it straightaway, like always. i didn't read the whole thing. i thought it was a template message tailored the same for everyone. but it was not, it was a personal message for me :(

you see, this kind of people. i like them. i have a feeling this person said what was said for the sake of saying it; not for my reply. just like a few other people have done to me. they don't care about appearing weird saying such stuffs out of the blue, they just do. they don't care about what i'd say, if i'd be nice back, if it's gonna be awkward. they just say it because they want to.

People who say and do nice things without hoping for response or expecting any return are not only nice, they are kind. In my mind you get a round of applause and a bouquet of flowers... Even if i don't get to show i appreciate it, which is sad. but i'm happy you exist.

that's what i want to do, and sometimes do :)


but most of all. i thank God that some people see the goodness in me - truthfully i don't know where they get some of that - and He hides all that i lack. it makes me feel undeserving, but hey, who am i to deny such blessing? ;)

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.

To Leave and To Miss

let's parday and starday!

or, you know... the other way around....  whatever you prefer

well i know my right order heheh

despite my last two overly-attached daughter posts, i really want to detach myself. being detached is good, but feeling disconnected is not. well, i'm already feeling as disconnected as it gets, that's why i choose to get myself detached.

a line from Taylor Swift's White Horse always floats in my mind:
"This is a big world, that was a small town."

i've spent my life in my hometown for... my whole life. yeah. except for some months away. don't get me wrong, i don't mind living in the same old place. i'm not really the free-spirited bird who has to fly away from its flock exploring the sky. but i do mind being among the same old people. before college most people in my life were the ones i went to school with, from first grade to senior year in high school, who are all from my hometown and in some way or another are linked to each other and you just can't get away from them even after school ends because my small town makes it such a small world that you want to see someone but ends up meeting other people. that's one reason. what's weird, or not weird considering the circumstances, is that i also already mind being among my college peers. all in all, this feeling leads to one thing. 

i need to escape some people. i need to find new people. i need to meet someone new.

of course, if i leave, oh, God, please, when i leave, there are people whom i never want to leave behind, whom i want to leave, whom i never want to see again, whom i will want to see for the last time, and whom i will miss.

the people i will miss will make it harder to leave, but there is a quote, saying this:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

however, i do not want to focus my purpose on wanting to leave, because that is a bad energy. no matter how true. no matter how many times i've said "f this shit i'm so gonna leave y'all, i'm so gonna leave you." i want to think of the good times i will have and the good memories i will make and the good experiences i will gain and the good people i will meet. oh yes i know life enough to know the stormy clouds don't let you out of sight for a sec, oh no they never. especially in a new place with new people. a new place so far away from bittersweet home, new people so unfamiliar unlike my beloved mom. but the good ones, hopefully, will outweigh the bad ones. hopefully, it will be better.

i just wish everything will be fine.

that my plans and His are aligned.

Allah, please, make my dreams mine.

The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013

2013 was not a good year for me. it was worse than other years, for some reasons. but i still thank God because it was not my worst year yet. it only takes a reason for a year to be the worst, and i will always pray to God to not make it happen. 2013 ending without being the worst year was enough for me to be thankful for.

but that doesn't make the troubles in the three any less.

i write, you know. i'm always writing. even if i don't post it anywhere or share it with anyone. i'm always thinking, typing on my phone, writing on any paper i could get my hands on. 2013 witnessed how i write a lot but with nobody to witness what it's about. there are confidential tumbr texts, unpublished blog posts, saved phone notes, crumpled torn papers... because there is no other way to let it out.

i was lost throughout the year about one thing or another, but at one point i was lost about everything all at once. i was lost academically, socially, personally... you name it. it was not the fault of the year. maybe it was the time, or the place. i don't know.

these are some of the notes in my phone.

-"this is the place where i cry the most for the most reasons. i cry because of my friends, my studies, my family, i even cry for being alone, which i never did before. i cried easily, but i wasn't much of a cry baby. i wasn't really a grown up kid calling their mother because they are about to burst. when i cried, i cried alone. i don't remember ever being this emotionally vulnerable. i would cry because of family reasons the most when i was a kid. that's the only other time i cried this often to my mom. when i was 13 i cried the most because of peers issues. that's the only other time i cried to my mom over the phone. when i was 17 i cried the most because of a broken heart... i didn't cry to her at all lol. these are some examples of my different stages of being the most affected by different reasons. i guess everyone has their own phase and pace. their own theme of life at a certain age. but now, at freaking 19? i cry for all reasons at the same time, or one right after another. i cry for everything or nothing at all. at 19 i become the kid who cried to her mom once upon a time. she's actually surprised. my mom said isn't college supposed to be fun? isn't college life the time when people have the most fun? don't people at this age study what they like and have fun with their friends, having the time of their lives?

yes, i do, but i also don't, so, no, mother."

-"i think and feel all the time. i write about it most of the times. i blog about it sometimes.

i guess i've felt it all - being the average jane, the valedictorian, the failure. and even then my scale of each is different than that of another person. my average is not really average, and my failure is not really a failure. but enough to make me feel what one is supposed to feel. enough because that's what i feel on my own scale. Allah let me feel it all and see the different reactions and treatments people give me. the valedictorian gets a lot more than the average jane does and the failure gets the least. at least now, i kinda understand."

-"i can't tell this to anybody here because they either are better, or in a situation worse than i am."

it feels like drowning. no light, no air. you're breathless, hopeless. it sucks the life out of you, but you won't die. you just don't die. you keep on drowning. it is one of the worst things to feel. i was feeling this for months.

perhaps for now i should just talk about how i was lost academically, because it involved no other human being and so no heart will get hurt. i think it will help some people out there, as i've told this story to two people and they almost and actually cried. perhaps that is only because they are also the two people who get me the most, and they were also in a situation that they could relate to. another person actually told me to blog about it, so i didn't need to retype it again and again, so here, once and for all.

they happened to contact me after i posted this on fb:

what i learnt firsthand today:
1. never give up. you don't know if you just need to give it a little bit more.
2. keep moving. no matter how paralyzed you are. a step might result in a leap.
3. get the eff up. you've gotta fall to rock bottom once in a while too.
4. do it your way. everybody's got their own style and yours will take you there.
5. have hope always. even when depressed. you're not a loser until you lose faith. 

we know these things. but we don't understand it until we experience it ourselves :)

flashback to sem 2 result. even before i got the result i was already stressed out. i was stressed out as soon as i was done with maths papers. i knew how bad i did and how much i did not do. i was depressed throughout the sem break, knowing that luck couldn't save me this time. even worse when the result was out. i knew i had it coming but for it to be confirmed was just a whole new feeling. i almost got kicked out. i almost had to start over. can you imagine what would happen to us? scholars who did not pass the 12 cut off point. even when you're one short. even when you aced everything else but sucked at one subject.

but prayers were said and meetings were held and deals were made, we got another chance. it's crazy when your future depends on just one thing and that thing happens to be what you hate. i took a supplementary paper and my math improved one grade. it was so close that one careless mistake could have cost it. so close that it was a miracle indeed. i got a second chance. i still sucked at math, but at least i was safe. many were not. some had to make a new deal and stay with a price or choose to leave, some just had no choice but leave. stumbled halfway along the journey we started together to a dream we shared at the start.

but i didn't feel safe, i started to question the journey, doubting my dream. the first half of sem 3 i was just lost. i literally thought i made a mistake. by going to intec. everybody seemed so smart and then there's me. what made me feel shittier was my course. my lifelong dream course was my first choice but not theirs. some of them couldn't take what they wanted or didn't know what to take so they took social science instead. it's like their accidental decision, or a back up plan. because they couldn't see themselves taking pure science like they did in high school, or couldn't carry the subjects. but me? i dig pure science. i did well. i could have taken medic if i wanted to, i might not be able to carry it with the commitment and discipline and sacrifices i must make, but the point is i could have gone to medic school. yet, here i am, because it's my FIRST CHOICE. and yet, there i was, lost. and they were doing so much better than me when i at least had to be on the same level. is it possible to be stupider and slower? social science subjects are just not me. they are different than what i was used to. i did not know how to study. i could not accept the differences. i felt so helpless. i went out of class whenever i couldn't take it which was often, or just sat with tears in my eyes while everyone around me was busy digesting what i had troubles swallowing. i broke down at the stupidest things like when my friend said his girlfriend was smart and good at maths and i felt stupid and i just went out and cried alone stupidly. i spent days staring at the whiteboard and nights staring at the sky.

i questioned everything. did i make the right choice? is this what i'm supposed to do? should i have listened to my mom instead? should i leave when this was what i wanted? should i stay when this isn't working out? how was it easy to get 10 A's when it's hard to get even 1 A now? is this an obstacle or a sign?


do you know what it feels like when you've got what you wanted and worked for for 11 freaking years and suddenly you feel like quitting? it's stupid to quit. not when i was so close to getting it. so i didn't.

i have to share this because this is based on a true story. here is my wall of shame after years of walk of fame:

first sem i got 13. ABB. my only and always A was of course the only subject i like, psychology.
second sem i got 11. ABD. D for maths. i got another chance which changed it to C and gave me 12.
the day i checked my third sem result, i couldn't believe my eyes.....
i got 14! AAB. B for maths! and the first time i got A for economics! 

welcome to a-level. the advance level of education so deep that even 3 A's aren't easy to reach. the deepest level of hell. maybe because i hate maths and only tolerate economics. but in high school i also only tolerated everything and it wasn't a problem. so it's true that social science is harder than pure science, at least to me. maybe it's just me, or not. it has been known how it's common for seniors to get below 10 in internal exams but get more than 12 in the external exam. i hope that's the case for me too.


as for this case, alhamdulillah.... i know i got lucky, maybe the question papers weren't that hard and the format made it seem easy and the marking schemes were in our favour. it didn't make me comfortable to get 14, but it sure was a huge relief. it was nothing compared to the real a-level exam, but it motivates me to try and get 15. just because i got 14 now it doesn't mean i can even get 14 this sem, but it restored my faith in myself. it didn't prove my capability, but i proved the possibility. i don't let achievements get to me. other people's achievements don't bring me down, my achievements don't fly me high. but i know i need to work on not letting my failures get to me instead, like it did.


i knew i did better, but i never thought i would get 14. all i did was study for a couple of hours a few days earlier. all i did was study during the study week i wasted two sems before. the study week wasn't even spent the way it should be spent but at least a couple of hours a day were spent studying. i just gave it a lil bit more, and i got more. that tells me what i am capable of if i just study from the start this last sem and oh i hope i do. besides that, i adapted myself. i'm getting used to how to study social science subjects. and in high schools i didn't do past year papers because i didn't like studying using past year papers. apparently in a-level that is all that matters, so i stopped being stubborn and in sem 3 i started studying that way. but i believe i improved also because i studied the way i used to study. in sem 2 i studied with people because people be like you should study in groups if you don't it's your lost it's the best and whatever well guess what? not everyone studies the same way and not every mind works the same way!

it was my fault to change my study method. to hell with what people say! every individual is unique, you can't expect everyone to be made for the same goddamned tips. my advice is you're old enough to know what's best for you, so do what's best for you not what people tell you to, even if it's how you should study or eat or sleep or live. just because i study on my own it doesn't make me want to succeed alone. don't call me selfish just because i self-study. that's what i've been doing my whole life, since i didn't really focus in school and never went to tuition class and didn't have a tutor so i ended up figuring things out all by myself. i was a daily school student for 11 years and i wasn't used to studying in groups. i can study with people and help my friends if i actually know what i'm learning and teaching them about. and that is when i have studied it myself.

do it your way. you know what to do and how to do it, so now do it more to get more.


i almost gave up. but i didn't. and i got more than i could hope for.

so, yes. getting 14 was the inspiration behind that fb status of mine :)

2014 is the year.
this is it.


what i want is what keeps me going. what do i want now?

i want to go to somewhere new. i want to meet new people. people who don't have anything to do with my hometown or my college, because the world is awfully small. i want to explore the world and travel to places. i want to leave everything and everyone behind. i'll never want to leave mama but i've been wanting to leave since as far as i can remember. i want to go to a place where nobody knows me, but i will get to know them. i am free. i am not chained to anything or anyone anymore. it is strange to no longer be chained. but a good kind of strange. the kind which makes you free. free to find other reasons to be happy.

but of course, i will always be chained to home :)

if there's such a thing as alternate luck, i sure hope 2014 is a lucky year for me, just as how 2012 was.

2013 was not a good year for me. Sem 3 was not a good sem for me. But i sure hope sem 4 will be better. I so wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

Many have left and will leave Malaysia for US, Canada, Australia, leaving most of us the last to leave for UK. May all of us make it, amin.

Please pray for us, ok? :)

Marriage Matters

i don't want to get married just to get married.

i live with adults. so i know adult's lives. i have seen adults do things out of love and do things just because, and they are different. i don't want to get married with some guy just because people get married, i'm passed my child bearing age, or i'm afraid to die an old maid. i don't want to stay married just because it's my responsibility once i'm committed to somebody, i don't want people to talk, or for the sake of my children. those are the right reasons. but i want to do it because i want to. not because i have to.

it's sad, to see someone who deserves better ends up with someone like that.

some couples are against public display of affection, but one would know when there's nothing there to be displayed. some don't have to be all romantic to show that they are a loving couple, but we can see how good friends they are just by the way they talk. and being good friends in a relationship is good enough. i can't imagine how lonely it is if you don't even talk that way with your spouse. let alone do other things together. but who am i to say right?

some people don't love because they do, they love because they are used to. bukan cinta, tapi sayang. this is jiwang but yes, i wish to love my husband in that i-am-in-love-with-you-just-because way, not i-love-you-because-you're-my-husband way.

i want to be married like them.

one celebrity couple i've always adored is Vanidah Imran and Rashidi Ishak. i loved looking at them when i was a lil girl, i barely understood what love was. i barely understand now... i actually hope they will stay together, not be another couple who gets a divorce. they look perfect together, don't you think? there's something about them that makes me think "ni jodoh ni." entahlah, mungkin muka serasi. tak sama, tapi serasi. orang tua-tua kata jodoh panjang. mungkin jugak cara dorang. taktaulah. tapi comel sangat dedua! let me tell you their love story so we can all scream "SO SWEET!" together yeah?

kali pertama vee nampak shidi masa shidi tengah drive datang set. time tu dia tercakap "aku rasa macam aku nak/akan kahwin dengan mamat ni", something like that. dia pun taktau kenapa, tetiba je. bukan dia suka ke apa. pastu masa diorang tengah berlakon sama vee terpegang shidi pastu dia rasa cam ada current. electric shock gituw. terus memalu tak pasal, tak pernah jadi camtu. dua minggu kemudian, jeng jeng jeng... she said yes! bapak cepat gila kannn. the best part is, shidi ajak kawen camtu je. takde cakap suka takde apa. sembang biasa, pastu jom kawen? vee pun "ok." boom! married. but before that dah sembang pasal masa depan semua la. shidi pun ada kasi hint sikit. dia cakap dia dapat satu hadiah, tapi tak tau nak bukak ke tak. vee cakap bukak je la? tapi banyak layer, kena peel sesatu. kemain metafora haha. so dari situ vee dah tau. 

how could she accept him so easily? vee wasn't even thinking, she just said yes straightaway. bila dah balik rumah semua baru rasa aku ni biar betul nak kahwin dengan orang baru kenal dua minggu? she said maybe because she never felt anything like that. rasa tu dalam. pehh. and how could he propose to someone he just met? shidi said dia adala selidik sikit. masa sembang tu, lol. cukup selidik la tu. time tu dia fikir dia taknak terlepas je. dia cakap memang dua minggu tu tiap malam dia doa kalau tu jodoh dia :')

to this day you can see how they are still in love. vee said and i quote "kalau abang takde, dunia saya berhenti kot." aww :"")
i guess they are just lucky. many people who rush into a wedding rush out of it just as quick. but it's fate :)

i know some people my age whose friends are married. 

and i'm so jealous! i keep wondering - no not why it isn't me but - why it isn't my friends??? i'm looking forward to my friends being married more than me being married. me. married. hahaha.

maybe because i know there's no way i'm getting married anytime soon. maybe because i know i don't have anybody. lol. it takes a lot for me to get married. so why don't just you guys get married? i can be on the wedding day and not sweat over being the bride! haha waaat. but seriously, if some people who are gonna study overseas wish to get married before they do, i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. if i fly. i wish to fly :"( amin. then i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. amin :")

i keep telling my friends to get married or at least engaged when i'm still in Malaysia, or else when i'm back in Malaysia. i need to be there. i'll be so happy i'll jump up and down and cry. typical ama. it's kinda like "if i don't get to do it, you do it. do it for me. ok?" so friends, please get married for me lolol.

this might be another bullstatistics but i like the number

they are so lucky!

yang kawen muda ni, camne senang sangat korang kawen weh? yang dah jumpa bakal laki, kau jumpa kat mane hah? haha

everytime my best friend and i see a boy with a girl who seems alim enough to be his gf (haha), we'll like nudge each other "mana?" "yang tuu kat escalator" "ha tu lagi satu, comelnyaaa" "amboi pegang tangan" "untunglah kawen muda" hahaha budak dapat tengok je, camnila. batak sikit. maaf ye jika kami pandang-pandang tak reti cover. anda patut merasa bangga.

even budak intec pun ada kawen... shhh top secret lol. ada yang cakap ok apa, nak fly kan. nanti ada yang jaga. habis tu kalau lain destinasinya? long distancela sikit, takpe hihi. ada jugak yang kata dak scholar gatal nak kawen la apa la. ish ish ish. scholarship tidak dapat menghalang jodoh ye. my friend, she's not enthusiastic about it, but her mom sure is. gelak je aku everytime dia cerita pasal mak dia dan misi mencari menantu, yang telah dijalankan sejak dia sekolah rendah :O sekarang dah habis sekolah lagila. siap suruh cari kat intec. suruh cari yang pergi negara sama. dan seperti dijangka, mak dia tanya kengkawan sekelas tu tak ok ke? terus dia cakap takyah bu takyah hahaha. ni kelakar. masa aku register kolej kediaman untuk sem 2, aku pakai inai tau. merah lagi kat jari. kebetulan aku pakai cincin. masa aku dok mengisi borang semua, brader brader kat kaunter tu bisik bergossip. bajet aku tak dengar. yang jadi isunya inai ngan cincin aku la. "tunang kot? ke nikah? cuba kau tanya" ikut hati aku nak je troll cakap aku baru kawen. tapi biarlah mereka diselubungi... misteri.


there's this one senior. oh i stalked her hard. hahaha. habis aku scroll segala yang dapat discroll. i must say she is one exceptional human being! nak bagitau pencapaian dia, apa dia buat, siapa dia kat sekolah semua nanti kantoilah pulak kan. but i can tell you she's the best lah. now she's married. sweet je dia ngan laki dia. i'm just like, masyaallah apa rahsiamu akak?! pelajar cemerlang, isteri terbilang. eh.

i wonder how adults react to this. of course. because when young people want to settle down, they say things like "are these kids good enough at school they are eligible to get married? did you get good grades? if not, how do you expect us to let you get married? of course it will be worse once you are you can't even focus!" but what if these kids are indeed good enough? like this akak has proven herself. or will they say "you get married? why would you? what a shame! what a waste! just focus on your study and score all A's and graduate and get a good job and blablablablabla and then get married!"

hmm i wonder.

UPDATE: just after i published this post, i found one post by a senior at intec. i don't need to tell you to click the coloured word right? about early marriage. it's a really good read, really. and really makes sense. i do agree, i've been thinking the same way lately. maybe i will make another post about it including my own point of view? ahah. amboi bab kawen ni laju je kau kan.

but me? early marriage?

i used to think about kahwin muda because of the cute, sweet, geli, jiwang reasons. like i've blogged about it once here. hew malu. because i would do those things only if i'm married. hew malu. but i'm waaay passed that phase. what am i? budak sekolah? pfft no. ceyy berlagak ehh.

after high school ended, for some reasons, i started to think about it seriously. when you're still daydreaming, you can never see reality. but once you realize about the reality and leave the fantasy behind, you see what a serious business marriage is. that's why when i was still in school i was excited about kahwin cos i didn't really think about it, i hadn't given it a serious thought. what for? we're still young so just daydream la~ but my friend who had met her possibly 'the one' wasn't too excited - because she already thought about it, as they were serious. while me? drown alone in my own lil fantasy. sobs.

ironically, i found a quote saying something like this: when you know you're not ready for marriage, that's when you're serious and might be ready for it. so.... hew hew hew k diam.

again, i'm way passed that phase. it's just hormonal i guess, what high school girls go through.

maybe for a different reason now.

i've thought about early marriage in a different way. i didn't even think about it. it was not something i spent my time thinking, but i was in a conversation and the topic suddenly popped up and i blurted it out. at that time, i wanted to be married. i didn't care if i didn't get to see my husband everyday. i didn't mind if it's really nikah khitbah. people now want to do nikah khitbah because they can escape the heavy responsibilities, but not when it comes to the 'lighter duties'. nak khitbah bab yang susah je, yang manja-geli-gedik tu taknak khitbah pulak? i said i didn't care about all that. no bitter part, no sweet part. that's alright. as long as i was married. i knew who's for me. i didn't have to think about it anymore and just live. when the time comes, we'll see each other. live like other married couples. but now, just to know. and that's enough.

i was probably highly intoxicated at that time haha so that's how this came out. now i'm calm i think i might just have to be mentally married to the one who's yet to be revealed. you wanted to know? now you know: out there, is the one. you didn't want to think? then don't! you wanted to just live? then live! when the time comes, you'll see each other. now just know that there is the one. and that should be enough. 

i once was in karaoke with my girls and we're singing A Thousand Years. i had to stop and sit because i had teary eyes. the awkward moment. but the lyrics are just.... 

i have died everyday waiting for you 

not knowing who you are, but i am. i'm waiting. i don't go around looking for you and asking guys "are you him?" i just wait for our paths to collide and intertwine. i just wait for you to ask me. 

darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years

i don't even know who, i'm possibly yet to meet you, but i have. i have loved you. when i could be with other guys, i remember you and i remind myself that i love you. i have always loved you.

i'll love you for a thousand more.

and will always do.

ok i will end this lameness before i get even more embarrassed ok stop ama ok.

do you know how hard it is when you have been waiting for so long? i'm not even 20 but it has been long enough. because i'm not a girl who doesn't think about it. who doesn't wonder, who doesn't wait. when other girls around me were experimenting and my friends claimed to fall in love when we all knew it was just another crush, i wasn't, i didn't. not because i didn't have feelings, i did. as early as a school kid. i was in between. that was what made it hard. but i tell myself to just let it be. not to make a mistake. to make us as special as we can be. not that i didn't let myself try, not that i didn't make any mistake, but whatever i've done, whatever i've had, i didn't make it special. if you never think about it at all, or do but too often you change the love of your life, then you have no right to judge me. because you don't know.

ok enough. i don't really think about it, except when i'm reminded of it. other times, i'm just fine.

so don't think about it, and it will come to you by surprise. don't wait for it, and time will fly so fast :)

she was 19 and now i'm 19.

recently i stalked Dena Bahrin. and by stalk i mean i really did read her blog up to the posts published in 2010. at first i was just looking for one particular post, then i thought heck why not i just read all the posts to know about her pre-engagement-video-gone-viral life! mehehehe. and she surprised me by being just... a girl. a normal girl. gila-gila, selamba, gangster. she was one of us. but now she's *that*. woaaah :O

and i found this post - 5 years later , Please meet me. she was 18 when she wrote this.

"I don't care if I look weird and so loving (lame,lovey dovey whatever people call it) tonight. Cause it's for you anyway.Well hello future good husband , I'll wait for you. We'll meet, soon ! :')"

isn't it funny when just a year later, they 'met' each other? fate is a funny thing if you ask me.

the idea of suddenly getting married and surprising people is appealing, hehe. i've always thought if there's someone who will out of the blue announce "today i'm somebody's fiancee!" or "of this date i'm married!", that would be me. sometimes i don't feel the need to tell people about things i'm going to do or places i'm going to go to even my best friend got offended when i told her i was leaving the country on that day itself, twice. i also don't like telling people things which might or might not go as planned or as smoothly as i'd want. unless it's already happened, and i'm certain nothing can screw it up, then i feel safe to let people know.

but honestly, i couldn't do what kak dena did. i can't marry someone just like that. i can't marry someone i don't know, and i don't have feelings for. and i'm so afraid of that to the point i've prayed that i won't end up with someone i don't love. i've loved you for a thousand years but what if when i finally know who you are, i don't? you might say if we're meant to be, Allah will put the feelings in our hearts. i say the same thing too. but what i mean is i don't want to have the feeling of running away on my wedding day. i can't even imagine it. for now i'm more scared of getting married to someone i don't love than not getting married to someone i love. it scares me, the thought of getting married to someone i don't want to get married to. it scares me how people think of someone as 'the one'. it scares me because we can't always get what we want, and might get what we do not want instead.

it's scary how anything can be.

Depression Tu Macam Drugs. Drugs Tu Memang Dadah. el o el.

dulu aku rasa aku kena kawan dengan orang yang betul-betul faham aku. masa tu aku sekolah rendah. untuk ada kawan yang betul-betul faham aku, kriteria kawan idaman aku ialah kena serabut, kena ada sesuatu yang dia takde, kena ada sesuatu yang tak normal dalam hidup dia, kena ada sesuatu yang buat dia depress. baru dia boleh faham aku, baru aku boleh percaya dia.

tapi kengkawan aku dulu macam bahagia pulak semuanya. hidup nampak sempurna je. nampak jelah, di sebalik dinding rumah aku taktau. tapi aku rasa memang bahagia pun. at least, lebih daripada aku. aku rasa laa, jangan marah kalau aku salah. kalau aku rasa ada yang tak bahagia, tu sebab muka kau kelam. dan sebab aku pegang lumrah alam yang takde apa yang sempurna. kita semua ada benda kita takde. aku bukan mind reader. aku tak boleh 'baca jiwa yang rapuh dari mata yang sedih' kalau dah hari-hari mata kau berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa kau penuh. dan aku tak harap pun orang lain ada bakat sama nak baca aku.

pernah aku nak something jadi dalam hidup dorang so hidup kitorang sama. bukan aku sorang je ada rahsia. bukan aku sorang je rasa. kau boleh cakap aku 'kecik-kecik dah jahat'. atau kau boleh cakap aku 'jahil sebab tak cukup matang.' terpulang. yang pasti aku tak macam tu lagi sekarang.

mungkin sebab aku sedar. sebahagia mana pun dorang, kitorang tetap gembira berkawan. sampai sekarang :)

berkawan ni tak perlu cerita hidup sama. boleh berbeza, asalkan terima. boleh bagai langit dengan bumi, asalkan mengerti. boleh bercerita, kalau percaya. boleh memendam, kalau kita faham - faham yang dorang takkan faham. tak perlulah kau yang taknak cerita kat orang, pastu kau kata orang tak tahu kisah hidup kau lah, orang tak memahami emosi yang tersembunyilah, orang tak membaca duka di sebalik tawalah, apa lah. jangan nak jadi mangsa sangat lah weh.

nak orang faham? cerita.

rasa orang tak faham? diam.

kan senang.

aku takdelah pulak memangsakan diri dulu, sebab aku tau aku yang pilih jadi macam tu. aku yang pilih untuk mata berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa aku penuh. takde makna nak pakai t-shirt jiwa kosong bagai.

some people prefer to hide their pain, deny their problems. i do too. but what's the point if you'll bring it up later? blame others for not knowing? make them feel as if they're useless? or are you just being attention-seeking? praising yourself for smiling and laughing all the time despite it all? what do you want?

secrecy? or sympathy?

aku jugak rasa aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang faham aku. kriteria? sama seperti di atas. kawan? setakat luar rumah. kawen? setiap penjuru rumah aku dia kena tau. jadi kriteria kena lagi strict sikit. kalau rumah aku bocor kat bumbung, bumbung dia kena bocor sama. kalau tiang rumah aku retak, tiang dia kena retak juga. contohnya. simboliknya.

aku rasa aku takleh kahwin dengan orang yang hidup dia bahagia, yang keluarga sempurna.

kawan aku tak pernah tau setiap penjuru rumah aku. tapi laki aku nanti, dia kena tau. dan masa tu, takde ceruk yang aku boleh sembunyi. melainkan syiling yang bocor dan tiang yang retak dengan ajaibnya baiki sendiri. masa tu kau nak intai setiap lubang pun takpe, bang.

contohnya. simboliknya.

kalau rumah dia kukuh serba serbi, macam mana dia nak duduk dalam rumah aku yang boleh runtuh ni? aku kena cari orang yang rumah pernah hancur jugak. yang walaupun dah dibina balik, masih rapuh. kalau tak, dia akan rindu rumah dia yang kukuh. dia takkan nak duduk sebumbung dengan aku.

sebab dia tak biasa. dia tak faham. dia tak rasa.

mengeluh.

dan aku fikir pasal semua ni masa aku sekolah rendah, hahah.

pernah tengok cerita Closer? aku sarankan korang tengok, tapi aku tak sarankan korang download. maka berharaplah tv yang berpenapis akan tunjuk cerita ni. takut kalau korang tengok versi tak ditapis, aku pulak berdosa kang hahaha. but it's a really good movie, dialogue wise. cerita simple, plot wise. tapi complicated tahap dewa, human wise. sebab manusia ni complicated bebenar. jap, perasaan yang buat manusia complicated sebenarnya. tak kisahlah suka ke, nafsu ke, cinta ke. sama je.

the dialogue is really something. it's a movie which moves you with words, not actions.

eniwaiz, ada satu scene ni bila si lelaki cakap kepada si perempuan "you deserve to be happy."

memula aku cam "hekeleh bro, dia dah taknak kat kau, dah ah. dia nak kat laki tu. dia happy ngan laki tu, so? kau pulak bajet yang dia lagi happy dengan kau tapi dia rasa dia tak layak untuk happy sebab tu dia pilih laki tu, EL O EL."

tapi kemudian ada scene lain masa si lelaki bercakap dengan laki tu pasal si perempuan. laki tu minta si lelaki lepaskan si perempuan, bagi kat dia la kira ni. amboi si perempuan pun, kau ingat kau apa? bola nak di pass pass? 

laki tu: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.

si lelaki: She doesn't want to be happy.

laki tu: Everybody wants to be happy.

si lelaki: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

apa yang si lelaki cakap buat aku macam.... pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch.

sebab aku rasa aku faham maksud dia.

aku cakap aku pernah depresi kan. aku tak main-main bila aku cakap camtu. aku taktaulah aku kategori clinical-psychologically-diagnosed depression, atau childish-tantrums-and-later-teenagers-hormonal-imbalance-overdramatized-as-depression depression. tapi aku depresi la.

bila makin besar, walaupun dah tak depresi, aku rasa depresi is a part of me. bila ada survey "anda pernah depresi?" aku tanda ya. bila baca pasal orang depresi, aku rasa aku memahami. bila cek tanda-tanda depresi, jari aku yang mengira tunjuk aku ada banyak tanda tu - dulu. maybe i was not clinically diagnosed, but i knew, and i know, it was some kind of depression. i even wished i could see a psychologist. it's partly why I want to be a psychologist. what else could it be? don't tell me i overdramatized things, it's like you're telling a cancer patient "oh, it's just a mutant cell." even if i did, i had pretty good reasons to do that.

sooo. the point here is: after i was no longer depressed, as si lelaki said, i wanted to be unhappy to confirm i was depressed. if i was happy i couldn't be depressed anymore. and if i wasn't depressed, i wasn't being me. depression or whatever it was was a part of me. other people had other things, and i had depression to make me me. to make me different. to make me a somebody. somebody with a story. geddit?

maybe i was used to it. i thought if i was not depressed, i would not live my life like i was supposed to live it - depressed - like i once did. so i shouldn't be happy. i had to have a reason to be depressed. 

it's a pretty messed up idea isn't it?

nak cakap bodoh pun, tu aku jugak, dulu. dan ramai lagi, sekarang ni.

depression is usually destructive, sometimes it can be constructive, but above all - addictive. just like drugs.

sebab tu ke aku nak kahwin dengan orang yang bermasalah? entah. tapi aku rasa lebihnya sebab aku nak dia faham aku, tu je. someone who won't judge my life even though it can be judged. orang yang aku boleh percaya. someone i can show the dark side of my life to. orang yang terima aku. someone who can befriend my inner demons. kalau dia tak macam aku, macam mana dia nak jadi semua tu? aku nak orang yang boleh sayang aku walaupun aku serabut. someone who can love not only me, but my house, my rooftop, my life, at its worst.

true love, a cupid whispers. 

el o el.

antara ending scene movie tu tunjuk si perempuan dengan si lelaki, tapi si perempuan nampak tak happy. dia yang pilih untuk jadi tak happy. dan dia happy jadi tak happy. sebab dia rasa dia jadi diri dia sendiri.

messed up but i geddit.

i want to be happy. maybe, i was her. but not anymore. i deserve to be happy. well if you look at me, maybe i don't deserve it. but my life says i do. i do, after everything.

baru baru ni aku terbaca something yang lain, yang buat aku  pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch jugak.

Why people self-sabotage their happiness.

- I found out they represent a truly important psychological theory—one which clearly explains how and why sometimes a person’s comfort zone might actually be to stay in discomfort.

- Basically, you grew up in your childhood learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of happiness. Maybe you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only seventy-five percent. Or seventeen percent. When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel twitchy, because this new zone feels so unfamiliar. As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your “masochistic equilibrium.” Or, as mentioned above, you might simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the “masochistic equilibrium” you grew up with.

- Find examples of consistently happy, loving couples, and truly happy people. Spend as much time as possible with them so you can start to shift your belief system to what “normal love” and “normal happiness” are. Over time, you will begin to view highly positive situations as examples for your new normal. The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your “masochistic equilibrium.”

- Finally, there’s an added sneaky reason why painful patterns form: a theory à la Carl Jung. He believed that our lives need meaning and purpose. If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing.  Jung’s name for these patterns of “enterpaining” situations was “low-level spiritual quests.”

you have no idea how it really makes sense to me. how what i copied and pasted here feels really relatable. like when i read it for the first time i nodded my head enthusiastically with wide open eyes and dropped jaws, unable to mouth the words "u feel me!", for example. if i actually have something called  masochistic equilibrium, man, ain't i effed up. i've noticed the effed-up-ness of mine for quite a long time but to have a psychological theory found about it, makes me feel like ooohkaay, i'm officially effed up.

aku memang nak kahwin dengan orang yang rumah dia bocor retak sini sana bukan je sebab aku rasa dia takkan selesa duduk dekat rumah aku kalau rumah dia sempurna, tapi sebab aku rasa aku pun takkan selesa duduk kat rumah sesempurna rumah dia.

bayangkan keluarga ipar macam main kad "one happy family at home!"

aku rasa aku akan flip kad tu.

sebab "this new zone feels so unfamiliar." oleh itu aku "might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your masochistic equilibrium." atau dalam hal lelaki idaman ni, aku "simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the masochistic equilibrium you grew up with.” 

PUFFF KE BABABOMM. MIND BLOWN.

masa form 5 ada kisah yang agak mengemokan aku. kengkadang aku lagi nak rasa emo tu. aku dengar lagu sedih ulang ulang, seksa diri memalam rasa wah zaman remajaku dramatik. lol. bak kata John Green, "that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." tu satu. dua, sebab teori ni juga. "If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing." sebab kita rasa at least hidup kita ada something, sebab bila rasa sakit, kita rasa kita hidup. kita ada hidup. tak macam orang yang memalam ulang-ulang buat add math je lolol (dan sebab ini lah add math kau A- je ama).

MIND BLOWN KAN?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY.

tapi tu dulu..... kot. bila aku tengok rumah lain yang memang perfect - tak perfect pun, normal - aku rasa hmmm bestnya, mana nak dapat bumbung kukuh tiang teguh ni, mana nak dapat kad happy family ni... rumah yang buat aku rasa ni bukan rumah aku, tapi aku nak rumah camni. mungkin bukan rumah sekarang, tapi rumah baru aku nanti. rumah idaman aku.

sebab "The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your masochistic equilibrium”, aku rasa aku berhak dapat rumah yang sama sempurna.

jadi tu dulu...... kot. sekarang aku takde dah masochistic equilibrium ni.

cuma kengkadang, terkeluarla jugak ayat "macam mana aku nak kahwin kalau macam ni?"

last time: minggu ni.

aku mungkin nampak macam suka je bab bab kahwin ni, tapi aku rasa sangat susah untuk aku kahwin sebenarnya. berangan? boleh. nak? mesti. tapi bebetul bina rumah sendiri? susah. apa tah lagi kalau rumah tu setiap penjuru berhantu. entahlah.

satu lagi sebab kenapa aku rasa aku macam ni, "because i'm a writer."

as Kurt Cobain once said, "thank you for the tragedy. i need it for my art."

as Gwendolyn Brooks once said, "writing is a delicious agony."

as Natalie Goldberh once said, "Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can’t forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released."

and as my old, best friend said, “I need to be sad. I’m a writer."

aku tak pernah cerita pasal ni dekat sesiapa. pasal semua ni. tapi aku pernah tunjuk dekat kawan aku, bahagian mana yang retak yang bocor tu. tu pun tak tunjuk semua, sikit je. dia cakap something yang aku takkan lupa sampai bila-bila. dia cakap... dia terkejut aku even terfikir untuk kahwin pun. she would expect me to like, be traumatized or lose faith or something.

little did she know, i had lose faith, once too many times - as i keep having it back again.

because how could i lose faith in Him?

in true love?

el o el.

at the same time, i had and still have, this fairy tale fantasy that a prince on a white horse will be my knight in shining armour and rescue me in my dungeon and carry me to his castle in the clouds which bricks are in the shape of love, which ceiling is carved with happy ending and which every pillar stands with perfection.

"I think we seek out people who we hope will fix what our childhood broke." - Yasmin Mogahed.

and i want someone who's broken too, so he needs me to fix him.

my life, as always, is an irony.

but over the years, i've learnt that from a dungeon to a mountain, i am my own hero.

but who doesn't want to live in the castle in the clouds right?