Hi so I've been thinking

Whether to change the blog url, or to change to a new blog completely, and make this blog private. I have been thinking about this for a while now (months? years?) but I am indecisive, hence no action taken. Also, because I love this blog, I really do. It's just not what it was anymore, like I'm not who I was anymore, and that is something I needed to come to terms with. I have again and again tried to revive it, and myself, but it was never the same. Maybe something fresh would help, as this phase has been going on for a little too long now. It is a hard decision. Whatever will be I might make tutttutt private, for a while or forever.

So if somebody is still reading (hello.....) this is a really good time to show yourselves before this blog dissapears! Tsk. Who knows I might keep you in the loop. Or else, this could be a clean break or a complete start over.


Am fine,
Ama.
(oh, I just realized this blog will turn ten years next year...)

Just gotta want it

Your desire for success must be greater than your fear of failure. I know that, I always have. because that's what made me succeed. i knew that even before i learnt about the internet quote. of course you've gotta want the good things more than you don't want the bad things. that's when miracles happen. You can make anything happen if you put your mind to it. If you want it that much. there's only one thing though. It's like I don't want it enough now. Because if i really want it, i'll make it. But apparently i don't.

It Wasn't Gone For Good

Halu. It's been a while since i've been here. Which is good, in a context, now. A long time ago not appearing on my blog would have been a bad thing, but now it isn't anymore. It showed that i had it good. While i was away i noticed it too, that i didn't have those feelings and thoughts, that i didn't have to blog. I guess it had something to do with me being busy watching LOST again, sitting for exams, and expecting some guests all in one month. I even started working out again, of course to not be fat and to get fit, but also because i was counting on the feel good neurochemicals. And to be in control, to have the impression that i could push myself even though i was exhausted and screaming to stop, that i could do one thing right. It kinda worked, i guess. Then this month i was preoccupied by NEXT17, so that was good too. I stopped working out for two weeks, but i swore i would pick it up again. Maybe i should pick it up now. NEXT17 ended two days ago. Apart from my dissertation, i have nothing else to occupy my mind. And tbh, i am not at the desperado point even though i have 3 weeks to submit my dissertation. Maybe after i'm done with this post. I have all the time in the world now, today, this one day. And all that time today was enough to pull me back into that hole again. I have time now. Time to think. To think about those thoughts. To feel those things. What made me so down and low. They haven't visited in a month or two, and now they're back. And i dont know what to do with myself. I know i have to face them, i have to deal with them, i have to solve them in a constructive way. I know i shouldn't and can't escape anymore. My time for distraction and escapism is out. Time to get it over with by doing what is needed. Time to admit and talk about it to somebody. I know. But i would rather run away. Wouldn't you?

Today I Wonder

When i do, or don't do things, in a manner of self-sabotaging, is it because i don't love myself enough, or because i don't hate myself enough to change? What does it take to completely self-hate, to get better? Does it have to come to that point? I just want to deserve good things, but i just can't bring myself to it.