Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.