Kenangan Myspace - Blogging Sebagai Budak 14 Tahun

Assalamualaikum. tau tak haritu aku bukak Myspace? hah hah, setelah bertahun ditinggalkan!

Kenapa aku tak delete mespes?

sebab mespes itu kenangan.

mespes itu zaman ketika dan tempat di mana budak-budak baru nak up. tempat aku kenal budak-budak sekolah aku, sekolah lain, senior, junior, tah sape-sape datang dari mana tah pun aku kenal. oh, waktu itu.

mespes tempat mengumpul kawan. tempat semua mesra alam semacam, "u chomeyl, hit me bckx!", main balas-balas comment, balas-balas top friend, oh kenangan.

dekat FB tak camni. betul tak? 

aku kat FB jarang tegur orang, kecuali kawan yang memang kawan. dulu orang tegur di mespes kira biasa, tapi sekarang orang tegur di FB mesti cam "apa kau nak hah" dalam hati.

mungkin sebab kat mespes ada privasi. biasanya orang hide comment. takdelah orang lain fikir eh kenapa dia comment orang tu? ada pape ke ni? eh dorang gossip pasal aku! kena stalk ni!

takdelah risau persepsi orang sekeliling... kecuali orang sekeliling kau macam aku dan kawan-kawan aku. spesis stalker. ambik no ID orang yang hide-hide ni, bukak kita punya dan ganti ID kita dengan ID orang tu. tadaaa! terbongkar segala resie. muahahaa!

kat FB semuanya terpampang kat wall, senang keje stalker. sebab itulah orang di FB tak berapa ramah agaknya. kalau tegur dekat wall, macam mesra sangat. nanti orang yang memerhati fikir lain. tegur dekat FB message, macam rapat sangat. nanti orang yang ditegur fikir lain.

aku lagi banyak sembang dekat FB message selain menyelit comment sikit-sikit. kat situlah keluar segala cerita segala rahsia. chat? lolol tak pernah online chat. sebab tu orang ingat aku tak online, padahal FBku terbuka setiap masa.

pada aku FB tempat menambah kenalan. bukan menambah kawan. er saya tak sombong, tapi segan.

Apa dah jadi kat mespes?

jadi lain. lain lah. lain camne? tengok sendiri.

satu perkara yang buat aku frust menonggeng rasa "whyyy? tidak akan aku mengekalkan mespes jika aku tahu akan jadi begini!" iaitu... semua comment dah hilang! apakah? ya, hilang!

kat situ ada kenangan dengan orang yang pernah dan masih rapat, kenangan yang memalukan dan memualkan dicoret oleh diri sendiri yang 5 tahun lebih muda, semua hilang!

tensyen gua.

Blogging as a 14-year-old

tapi ada yang tak hilang... iaitu blog! dulu zaman pra-Keretapi, aku blog sikit-sikit kat mespes. kat situlah minat berblogging timbul. sampai ada yang suruh aku buat akaun blogspot. tsk, tsk, terharu i.  dulu kat blog mespes orang baca dan komen, tapi sekarang....... dot dot.

aku nak kongsi penulisan aku masa form 2. ini entry terakhir kat mespes, sebelum aku mula ada ruang sendiri. mari lihat perbezaan dulu dan sekarang!

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Something to talk about - 9.9.08

Dan stimulus sampai, otak pon berfikir and ke hujung jarilah nerve impulse pergi. Blah, blah, blah. This is a total nothing, so kalau taknak bace takyah susah2 ye.

Pasal : semua topic yg dapat difikirkan sekarang ni.

Sekolah. 

malas. i admit, school isn't a great place. kedatangan asyik kosong je. pastu org ingat aku ponteng. hoi! tonsel lah. and some oversleeping. and some.. reasons. heheee. SMK Lembah Keramat akan sentiasa menjadi sarang boyan, bak kata org lain. tapi naseb aku KRK, dapat gang satu kepala. takpelah, boyan tak boyan ni gak sekolah aku kan. sayang sayang. cume certain sesi petang je pandang slack kat krk :(  sedeh. form 3 nnt kita jumpe gak, so apelah salahnye friendly dr skg. kan?

Asrama. whoaaah.

best. unless u have a problem like i had, u've got no where to run. face it 24 hours 7 days a week. other than that, seronok! aktiviti byk. bakal suami ade harapan utk ade kerja yg best. muahahaaa. tapi memang tak tergambar pengalaman kat sana. bila dah keluar, teringat2 Serting. tapi taknak masuk lglah. people say, when u've already got 3 wishes, u don't ask for more. biarlah aku stuck kat lembah forever, maybe ade silver lining nanti. =D

Options.

sekarang asyik fikir kalau ade rezeki nak tak masuk asrama balik? tapi kalau tak masuk, berjanggut nak tunggu overseas. kawan2 semua nak asrama, and i know hoping that they won't get the offer is a bad thing, tp nanti kalau aku tggl sorg2 camne? :(

form 4 nanti, taknakla masuk asrama lg. i know about all the great advantages, it is just, enough is enough. i don't want to take the risk. the risk is not being homesick. homesick memang lumrah hidup asrama, tak mati pun. ni, the risk yang boleh buat mati jiwa raga mati hati. i have felt how to live in mrsm, and that's good enough.

i know budak gov susah cr makan, nak fly pun tengok boarding school students dulu which is very unfair. biased. expect dak asrama je yg bagus gila, not bothering to pay attention to gov students. hello Ministry of Education, i have some serious issues here. mmg tak adil, yet aku takkan gi asrama lagi. maybe i will, when pigs fly. on a very good day. just pray the best for me eh?

Membantut.

ni fakta bkn auta. time kecik dulu, aku tinggi... betul lah! terlebih tinggi. mase djh 4, time kawad aku dok satu line ngn akak2 djh 6. same tinggi ngn laki, even taller!  abg2 aku salu ckp "kau tinggi camni besar nanti takde sape nak kawen ngn kau", "nanti kau bongkok", macam2la. aku pon risau, salu merungut. pastu aku pon taknak tggi. tak bersyukur.

 

last2 skg... haha. aku jadi bahan orang :( takpe, aku doa korg kawen ngn org kerdil. apa salahnya kawen ngn orang kerdil? habis apa salahnya aku pendek? haaa. dorg tak caye yg dulu aku pernah tinggi. konon aku cam desperate nak tipu. hello??

aku rase aku tau asal aku pendek skg. sbb aku membesar terlampau cpt, time budak2 lagi. so skg turn korg lak meninggi, i've been there, done that... hahah. mungkin jugak sbb dulu aku tak bersyukur. dah tinggi nak pendek, haih. so pleaseee jgn merungut, allah dah buat tu accept jelaa. org kate, be careful of what u wish for :)

Books. My addiction.

Harry potter! Ada org fikir bodoh gila suka harry potter, what the hell? I dare them to read the books and they'll be eating their words. Kau taknak bab gelap2, sedih2, gelak2, bab romantik pon ada. macam-macam ada lah.

aku suke jugak lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events. Pasal 3 orphans yg hidup tak pernah senang. Teach me a lot about life. as well as chicken soup for the soul series. Real life, real stories. And banyak lagilaa. nak cerita satu2 mmg takkan habis.

The other day I had 7 books in my hand. I sat cross-legged on the carpet in the bookstore, and began to make points. Finally, I bought 3 books about life problems. Yang love, what will the book teach me? How to flirt with guys? mmg best utk dibaca, cuma mcm tak bawak ke mana pun kecuali ke awang-awangan. Tgklah next time, maybe I'll go home with that kind of books. 

Books can make me cry badly like the sad events are real. Once I read the sentences, I'm drowning in the new world. I can imagine how the characters utter their dialogs, I feel what they feel. It's amazing how words can create a new feeling and experience u never feel before. And that's the magic of reading.

Motion picture.

Harry potter, again. Mmg movies dia mcm apa entah sbb tak ikut buku sgt, still I'm a loyal DHF. And of all romance movies, I fancy Love Actually the most. Eh aku layan semualah senang cite.

utk tv, I'm a fan of Heroes, Lost, Desperate Housewives, Friends, Greys anatomy.. ok masih semua aku tengok. org kate tah pape tgk Heroes pasal super power yang mengarut semua, ahh kau tak hayati jangan byk bunyi. message and storyline Heroes best, terutama the love between the brothers. Friends, sgt sgt sgt best. best kan kalau kite ade a group of friends camtu? badly, we don't direct our lives, like they do the show.

movies can make me cry, too. Ke mmg aku yg sensitif? Tak kesahlaa, yg penting if we feel the pain of others, it means we aren't some ego cruel-hearted people. At least I'm a human being.

Besar nanti saya nak jadi…

Kalau dulu kecik2, confident je bila org tanye cita2. Tp makin besar makin confuse. Taulah baru 14, but since I'm a person who'll die without a good feature, that issue should be considered

I have this passion for writing, making up sayings, and creating a whole new story. But competitions are soaring. Can I make it? Or will they throw my books to the last shelf in the store? Unless I can make a change, be someone like JK Rowling  or Jane Austen. I also write poetries, which is a good way to release emotions in the form of sentences. 

Aku bagitau family aku pasal nak masuk kelas sastera time form 4 and guess what? They actually laughed. They want me to take science, which will be an exciting experience and a way to a bright future. But I happen to not want to head that way. Orang fikir kelas sastera hanya utk budak2 yg tak layak masuk sains. Bukan ni pilihan kita ke? But I always know I'll end up in science anyway. 

Back to the topic, I want to have a job that will satisfy me, say working with people, understanding their problems, knowing that it is not just me and the way I think that exist in this world. Taknaklah kerja menaip, meeting, terperuk dalam office or lab tak habis2.

And I have this desire to be a full time housewife, taking care of their lives. I know the journey is way too far before I reach the destination, but we people must live on plans, don't we?

Friends. I'll be there for you.

Sometimes I think, we become friends because we're schoolmates, or what? Had we meet a little late would i ignore you? Could we even brush our and show faces of dislike? I'm sure it is a fact. If u do not meet them at school or work or anywhere else, u do not befriend the person. We cant befriend a total stranger, right?

I've been thinking, why would friends leave each other when we're apart? Ade yg kata sbb dah tak same skolah, dah tak jumpa, so why continue? Mmg dasar lah.

  

And I don't understand boys. maybe some, maybe all. dorg berkwan utk ape? Because everytime a boy approaches a girl and acts like he wants sincerely, to befriend her, mesti tak lame. I thought I've found my true guy friend, he's not like the others, and what happened? Taktau ape salah, skg kitorg tak contact dah. Bukan ape, cume kawan ngn laki best. kita dpt tgk dunia dari mata dorg. Tapi rasenya tak boleh dibuat best friends. Ada je tak kena. 

Org tak fikir, how certain things upset someone. Knowing one person, getting close to them, and suddenly they leave us, forget us, wow. It's heartbreaking. And I don't need a boyfriend for that.

Budak zaman sekarang.

Banyak mcm dah takde budaya agama. Org dulu pon nakal gak, tapi takdela merempit tempah maut or buat maksiat tambah dosa. Ade yg pakai terdedah sini sana. kalau taknak tutup aurat pun (walaupun sepatutnya tak boleh), jangan promote private parts boleh tak?

And drpd nak mencarut benda tak senonoh, baik maki hamun guna perkataan bodoh dan seangkatan. at least takdelah kau tengking orang guna anggota badan orang lain. Pastu nak goth la, kuda belang la, gelombang macam2 la, menyampah tau tak. Konon ade identiti Identitila sgt kalau satu group pakai sama je. Tak boleh ke jadi diri sendiri? 

Kalau nak ckp psl budak zaman skg, mmg mcm2. nanti tak pasal2 kena blacklist pulak. Aku pon bukan baik sgt. Cuma nak korg tgk dunia ni btul2. 

Nak hayati zaman remaja? go kick some balls, do sleepover, learn to bake with your girls, collect some robots ke. Have a real passion. And media salu tanya, "kita sambut merdeka kali ke berapa". Ade jawab 18, 23, 58, 57.  Mmg tak terkata dah. Hey, maybe aku seorg yg sgt patriotic tp fancy English movies and books semua. At least aku tak pretend to be someone different. Since darah askar mmg mengalir dalam badan, so my loyalty should not be questioned.

Sorry sebab banyak terkasar bahasa. If only this world is still a sanctuary.

My World.

Let's just assume I'm as normal as u are. that I do not wear a mask the second I step outside my bedroom. I want to say "hello, world, here's my story". I want people to know what I've felt, how I see things, and the reasons for whatever I've done. Maybe one day I'll be the best selling author writing about my life. Amin.

Nampaknya korg berjaya melalui blog yg takde motif ni.

So why not drop a cmmnt???

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komen-komen aku letak kat komen seksyen. dah panjang bebeno dah ni.

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years have passed since this entry and these comments were made. the person writing and the people commenting have become someone different if not much, maybe a little today. how about you?


still, some things never change :)

I Miss Having You, Babah

A few days ago was my dad's birthday. it was sad, to have spent the day like any other day without any special occasion. well, it's the same thing with my birthday too. but the difference was his birthday was spent without him, only with his memories in our hearts.

memories? to those who didn't know, my father had passed away years ago. surprise, surprise!  i don't go around telling people about it as i hate to be sympathized with. my father was gone but that doesn't make me any less than you are, i thought bitterly when i was a kid. 

but who was i kidding? it does make a big difference, and i accept the fact as i grow older. but with a more open heart accepting not only the fact, but the fate as well.

babah and me
babah had a nickname for me, a special one for a mek montok gebu like me
it's a secret :')

Y I NO TALK BOUT IT

no, it didn't make me sad. but that's why i hated it, because people thought whenever the subject of  'father' was mentioned, i would be crying deep inside my heart. like i couldn't handle hearing about other people having a father. everyone suddenly was tactful i couldn't stand it. if you want me to be comfortable, stop making it look like such a big deal!

i would rather not hear people say "i didn't know it! i'm so sorry," so i just shut up. but during my short stay in MRSM, i was open about it. because it was a new place with new people, so i had no problem with 'eyes widen with shock, mouth drops ajar' thing.

if you ever notice when i'm talking to you if i don't really know you, instead of asking "when will your mom pick you up?" or "will your dad come on the open day?" i will instead use the word parents or family, something more general. because not everyone has a father, not everyone has a mother. thanks to my experience, i'm being more careful when talking. 

others do not understand, leaving you with a dilemma whether to be honest, bare their widening eyes and dropping jaws or to just dismiss the subject like you have a normal life like everybody else.

if i talk about my private life like this, it is a big deal because it takes every ounce of courage i have. it's like getting naked, talking about my bottled up feelings, untold stories and hidden secrets. everything was so confidential back then, because i trusted no one but my future husband who i was and am, yet to meet. 

kononnya akan kulakar kisah hidupku hanya untukmu wahai suami. but i guess i can't wait. so instead of forcing a guy to marry me right now so i can tell him everything, i'd rather blog it here, bit by bit.

Acknowledged by Wikipedia

Did you know that my father is in Wikipedia? if you read my first babah post, you'll know he was a noted soldier. 

kalau ada spesis yang cakap aku poyo bagitau bapak aku masuk Wikipedia, aku taktaulah apa nak jadi dengan mereka yang sentiasa tak puas hati ni. salah ke aku nak bangga yang bapak aku berjasa untuk negara? salah?

kalau aku bangga, aku takkan rasa malu dan macam nak ghaib begitu sahaja setiap kali ustaz sekolah agama aku timbulkan pasal jasa-jasa babah. pasal masjidlah apelah... tu salah satu sebab kenapa aku sangat benci pergi sekolah agama dulu dan salu ponteng. aku taulah ustaz tu, orang-orang kawasan aku ni semua hormat babah. tapi segan tau tak segan. dah satu sekolah terus tahu sejarah hidup bapak aku. pfft.

mungkin aku penyegan sebab babah pun penyegan jugak. mak aku cakap dulu masa orang offer babah pangkat Dato', babah tak amek. tapi dia suggest orang lain. aku rasa babah memang tak pernah jadi Dato' pun kot, tapi some people still called him Dato' and called mama Datin. weird and awkward.

mug ni babah beli dekat Warner Bros. datang dengan set, ada pinggan mangkuk sudu segala. masa babah kasi, aku teruja sebab susunan dalam kotak itu menampakkan mereka seperti sebuah jamban. dapat jamban untuk patung peah dan rakan-rakan kencing yeaaay! laa sekali pinggan mangkuk ke?

banyak songehlah kau, padahal pinggan mangkuk ni jugak yang sekarang kau cari, yang kau bengang bila orang lain guna, yang kau gelabah bila takde. oh durian atas tu namanya durian babah. semua jenis buah dari kebun babah kitorang panggil buah babah. buah babah sedap-sedap. semoga bila kita makan, kita kasi dekat kawan, jiran, kita biar binatang makan, pahala sampai dekat babah :)

The Unexpected - and hooray! i'm not retarded!

beberapa hari lepas aku selongkar album-album lama. jumpa gambar aku masa kecik tengah duduk atas babah, duduk dengan babah, babah dukung, babah cium. sedih. aku tak ingat apa rasanya berada dalam situasi camtu dengan bapak sendiri. aku ada gambar je sebagai bukti itu pernah terjadi.

gambar yang buat aku sedar yang babah sayang aku sangat sangat. i was the unexpected child, the daughter he's been waiting for for years! after he gave up hoping for the only girl, Allah granted his prayers.

my mother being pregnant was unexpected, but me being born was anticipated. not by everyone, though. some people actually 'advised' my mom to get an abortion. saying it was too late, i might be born defected or retarded. aku memang dari dalam perut lagi dah mengundang kebencian, kedengkian orang agaknya. 

takpelah, yang penting mak bapak aku sayang aku, kan? sayang dorang lebih daripada benci orang kat aku put together, so it didn't and doesn't matter.

Kalau Babah Ada

aku tak ingat apa rasanya ada bapak. kalau aku rindu babah, aku tak rindu benda lain yang orang  rindu bila dorang rindu seseorang. aku cuma rindu ada bapak. tu je. i miss having a dad and nothing else.

hidup aku, lebih banyak "kalau babah ada" daripada "masa babah ada".

kalau babah ada, semua ni tak jadi. everything will be more than okay. kalau babah ada, along tak pening. angah dapat apa dia patut dapat. uda takyah risau, si genius gemuk tu memang ok dulu dan sekarang. ateh jadi orang... haha. aku ada lebih daripada apa aku ada sekarang. 

kalau babah ada, birthday aku dengan mama ada orang kisah. aku takpe, asalkan mama dapat hadiah. kalau babah ada, selalu buat kenduri kat rumah. panggil satu kampung datang makan. panggil penjual makanan bukak gerai. kalau babah ada, raya sangat meriah dengan rumah terbuka sentiasa. kalau babah ada, setiap kali nak periksa besar ada doa selamat, macam abang-abang aku berempat. 

orang selalu tanya "tak buat pape ke raya/birthday/SPM ni?" aku nak cakap je "sebab babah aku dah takde nak buat tu semua."

kalau babah ada, apa aku nak semua dapat. walaupun tak mintak. curi-curi pandang je, terus tercapai hajat. macam mak aku, mahu tapi malu.

kalau babah ada, babah mesti tolong aku buat keputusan nak belajar apa. babah mesti tolong aku isi setiap borang, tak macam sekarang semua aku buat sorang-sorang. babah mesti tak kisah aku nak belajar kat mana. apa-apa je untuk impian anak dara babah sorang ni, babah kata. babah cakap takpe, kalau tak berjaya, takde kerja, meh kerja dengan babah. ada back up plan sentiasa.

kalau babah ada, aku akan berminat dengan business. babah tak belajar business pun, takde basic pun. tapi babah pandai, babah baik, babah berusaha. babah really worked hard for everything and now, nothing. kalau babah ada, aku akan jadi risk taker. aku pernah nak jadi businesswoman, sambung company babah, kembalikan kegemilangan, jadi macam babah. tapi lepas aku tau apa boleh jadi dalam business, dengan takde babah untuk jadi mentor, terus aku surrender.

kalau babah ada, mesti babah jadi wali aku nikah nanti. mesti babah hepi gila dapat kahwinkan anak perempuan tunggal dia. mesti babah buat wedding aku Wedding of The Year, haha. mesti babah akan berucap masa aku tengah makan beradab. mesti babah buat wedding aku lagi special daripada biasa.

kalau babah ada, memang hidup aku lain.

i don't know when i did this or if he even had the chance to read it

mungkin korang rasa "hekeleh? aku takde semua tu pun boleh hidup" memang kau boleh, aku pun boleh. tapi apa aku cakap ni bukan semata-mata inginkan apa aku takde, berangan apa aku patut ada. apa aku cakap ni ialah kalau babah ada. BABAH ADA. dua perkataan, banyak tersimpan. kalau tak faham, tolong diam.

He's Mr. Perfect

babah dulu dalam proses mengorat mak aku yang jenis "i don't give a damn about man", sangatlah comel caranya. selain lain-lain cara mendapatkan gadis diminati, babah berkomplot dengan kawan-kawan dia. kawan-kawan office dia ialah bos mak aku.

mama selalu kena panggil masuk office bos. bos hulur telefon pastu blah. rupanya sebab babah nak cakap kat telefon. comel tak? sempoi gila bos siap keluar bilik kasi privacy. sampai malu mamaku.

who my father was kinda ruins my idea of Mr. Perfect. is it too much? to hope to be destined with such a guy? who will fight for me, who will try to catch my eye, who will buy me gifts and food even though i don't want it, who will perform solat hajat, pray and wish to God so i will accept him, puasa nazar if i do, whose friend the witness of how hard he tries and how much he loves me will cry tears of happiness for him when i  finally say "yes", who will do everything for me like babah did for mama, who will love me like babah loved mama?

see, i've told you. babah ruined me for other guys. i'm not even half my mama to get a man like my babah. heck, no guy would even want someone like me to begin with.

Someone Like You, Babah

i guess it's reasonable how high my expectation is for a man.

first, since i was a kid i had a concrete reason to hate men. it's not "i've had enough" due to putus cinta. nothing to do with lovey dovey shit. second, of course, losing babah at such a very young age. 

these reasons make me think that one day, i'll find the right man and be happy till the end. babah was taken from me, a man might have changed me,  but these misfortunes will be compensated by someone. God is great. one day, He will make up everything by giving me the right guy.

you might say don't i have other dreams? what else is in my wishlist besides having a guy with whom i'll build a happy family with? em no. of course i want to have more in life, but if i'm not entitled to have more, it's okay. as long as i have my man and family living harmoniously , i'll die happy. 

My Mr. Perfect

i grow up knowing the perfect guy existed but i didn't own him. Allah did. that's why i grew up thinking i too, will have my own perfect guy. love is the most important thing, and that is what i ask from Allah if whatever he's put me through is only the condition i have to obey before winning my reward.

c'mon, don't you see what love has become nowadays? how many men have become jerks? how many miserable women out there? it's only normal if i wish i'll have a happy ending. money can be earned but happiness? not as simple as going to work and expecting a paycheck at the end of the month.

babah makes me realize how to never settle for less, to just wait for someone who if not like him - i doubt i will ever find one or more likely if he will ever settle for me - someone who i deserve, and deserves me.

Thanks, Bah

i complain on daily basis. but it's just what we do right? we complain when we know we've got more than we deserve. we complain when deep inside we can never be thankful enough for what Allah has given us.

I'm thankful that Allah gave me a father for six years. although my life is not as it was, although my brothers had longer luckier lives, although my mother is the only woman who had the chance to feel how it was to be loved by such a gentleman, although Allah took him back before i could even know him, listen to his stories from his own mouth, appreciate everything he did and his love for his only daughter, i'm thankful enough.

many people whose father was taken by force or left by choice, they have it worse. others in my position are not as fortunate as i am, some have nothing even though their father is around. yes, to compare what i had then with what i have now, what people have with what i don't have, i feel sorry for myself. but i hate to be felt sorry for, so why dwell in self-pity?

i had a man in my life once. he was an obedient son, protective brother, brilliant student, bold soldier, loving lover, helpful friend, generous giver, successful businessman, awesome employer, humble humanbeing, so on and so on, but above all, the best husband and father one can ever have.

i love you so much babah. i didn't know what love for a father meant then. when you were home after a day at the office and you wanted me to sit on you i would be too busy cooking playdough, when you were on business trips every night you would call and when you asked for me i would be too occupied watching tv. 

i was so little and absorbed in my own world. but now i'm a big girl, your only big girl, and i understand how it is to love my dad.

i'm thankful to have felt it after you were gone because i wouldn't have the strength to let you go if i was as close to you as i am to mama, if you were the one who played mama's role. i will never be able to let my loved ones go. 

i used to ask "why?" and think my life was unfair. but as i grow older, i understand i will never know why. i just have to accept it. had my father been around, i might not be who i am today. i might be someone worse, having him and everything might be a curse. 

but what if it wasn't? i could still be a better girl with the presence of a father. yes, what if. we'll never know how it would have turned out. we only know how it turns out now. you can't see how i see it, but as i mature i see the world differently. Allah took my dad back because it's how my life supposed to be.

most of the times i forget who i was to babah. who i am to mama. i do things that i'm not proud of. i don't try hard enough for my future. i let the world spin around for another day without turning my life around at a better angle. i am on my way to be someone who will make them disappointed. but on days like this, i am disappointed with myself.

i don't want to be the only daughter who gives only shits to the ones who love her.


i'm the daughter after four brothers, after years of prayers. it carries a burden heavier than you can imagine. heavier than i can, that's why i escape most of my life. i don't have to be someone successful, i only have to be successful in being a daughter. being the perfect daughter is hard, even harder than being a doctor. being the perfect daughter means so much more.


i will try to be a daughter who deserves a father like you, babah.

Babah, your time with me was short. but your marks are everlasting. Thank you for giving me the honour to be your only daughter.

2011: What a Year! Lessons and Moments

2011 had been "what a year!" for me.

it's the year of ups and downs, tears and laughter, friends and foes, love and lost, tortures and happiness, and above all, of lessons to learn and moments to remember.

here are randomly arranged lessons and moments which i was unfortunate, and fortunate enough to experience.

1. The year of dramas

all my life i'm familiar with tests from Allah and shits from people, but this year is the year of dramas which i have never faced before as a teenager, it's getting personal and real. maybe it's what the senior year is all about. what high school will be without sweet and bitter memories?

High school dramas. a number of crushes, haters, backstabbers, ruined friendships, false rumours, broken hearts, factual gossips, being talked about behind your back, being misunderstood, fights, tears, laughter. I've experienced it all and more. High school is a prep class for the real world. it can be harsh, it can be magical.

what cost our tears now makes us better, and what caused our laughter will cost our tears later. we grow stronger, so be thankful for now we can face the future better. yes, i loathe the bad plots in my storyline, but i know Allah writes it better than anyone. at least i have the experiences, while some don't even have the chance. i will never change anything, not even the awful bits. because now, everything is wonderful.

2. I am stronger

what doesn't kill you really makes you stronger. sure, i was miserable at some points, stabbed on the back and torn at the heart, but the saying "everything happens for a reason" exists, with a reason.

there are silver linings behind every stormy cloud, and rainbows after every rain. these sayings won't touch you and affect you unless you have experienced it. so after i have and really get it, whenever i experience bullshits, i suffer, but i always remember how this will secure me a fair future, how i will become someone better, and better plans are in God's hands. Allah is Just.

3. Lovey-dovey feelings come at unexpected times, with unexpected people. 

to those who say "oooh i'm not into these things" thinking they have the magic of blocking feelings, well honey, you might be wrong. it's because you haven't been hit by 'it', like i had. your smug face will turn into sweating face worrying about it, like mine was. of course, i built boundaries. i know what's right and wrong. but 'it' is our fitrah, so i couldn't build a fortress to hide from it.

i don't fool around, or searching for the love of my life every now and then, i take it seriously so i will not let it be wasted. but i too, lost to the law of nature. so don't be too proud telling the world you're reserving your heart for the one because you'll never know when your heart's gonna speak for itself.

speak what? no, i will not call it love. love is a strong word. 

 

because love, lasts. and love, is when you have those feelings for more than 4 months, psychologically speaking. if it doesn't exceed four months, it's only a crush. and love, said by a friend, is when it hurts and you do something stupid for it. did it hurt? hell it did like never before. but something stupid? no, my heart is wiser because being broken, is something stupid enough. but the feelings once existed, for maybe 6 months, even though there was no such thing as "being together" or setting the status on Facebook as "in a relationship <3".

seriously, the beginning, the climax and the ending. everything.

despite the things i reblogged on Tumblr about 'love' and how i could relate to it, how suddenly all those love songs really made sense, some were like written for me, i knew what i felt wasn't supposed to be called love. it isn't right to say love goes that way, and it went wrong anyway. but it was not the type of crush i'd have just by staring at someone and admiring from a distance. this one, it was a serious crush. but that doesn't mean i wasn't seriously crushed.

3. Good friends

you can have fun together, but you don't know how it's really like to have good friends if you haven't gone through anything bad, and they haven't been with you when you're sad. 

my friends have helped me going through rough patches. they might not have the solution, but they made me feel better, and they were there. because of the good friends on bad days, i learn to understand a deeper meaning behind friendships, and appreciate every single friend i have from every walk of life i've had.

It's good when you have more than one circle of friends. cos there are things you can talk to one circle, but you can't to another. in the end everyone completes each other. Alhamdulillah, i'm thankful for my real friends who have shared my tears and laughter :')

4. All sorts of people prepare you for the real world

i believe in goodness in every single human being, but it's like they willingly let the evil voice in their heads get the best of them. how people are capable of hurting, hating, being prejudiced, being insensitive, being selfish, being envious, being ignorant, having bad intentions and doing bad actions. 

it's ridiculous how one would do wrongs to others purposely just because it makes them happy, puas hati. even if it's not on purpose, they can't control it, so they think it's okay to not be okay towards others. what a faktap society.

5. The hardest feeling to differentiate is loving someone as a friend or more than a friend

you don't know if anything you feel is what someone should feel for their friend. is it because you love him as a friend? is it normal? or is it beyond friendship? now i know it's easier to fall for a stranger than to fall for your own buddy.

6. People talk, haters gonna hate

they don't really know you, they read what you write and see how you live, and suddenly it's like they have your personality dictionary and life biography. they only see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear. "nevermind, i'll stick to how i think of her. everything she says is a lie, everything she does is an attempt to look good in people's eyes. i hate her, and i shall spread the hatred as well". 

i don't know what problems these people have with me. they have problems with themselves, maybe? at first i was miserable. now, i pray the best for them and i just let them be.

7. i dedicate this magical number to... HARRY POTTER! 

anyone who knows me, knows i'm possibly the biggest Potterhead in the country, and one of in the world. this year is the year we witnessed the final Harry Potter movie, ending it on the big screen. but never ending it in my heart. "after all this time?"

"always", "until the very end". ah, the simple lines only Potterheads can cry reading it :')

for Harry Potter, i bought merchandises online for the first time. i watched movies alone in the cinema, the first time was for Deathly Hallows Part 1 in New Zealand. for Harry Potter, i was in the cinema, again alone on the first day of Deathly Hallows Part 2 worldwide premier, along with other hardcore Potterheads who clapped and cried as the credit rolled for the last time, yelling "mischief managed!".

for Harry Potter, i know and feel everything which are so special, which those who do not experience it will never understand. for Harry Potter, i am who i am today. cheers, for ten magical years, and more :')

8. Tumblr is a therapy

It doesn't only make me roll on the floor laughing, a website which i spend countless hours on due to boredom and addiction, but Tumblr takes a new role in my life. Tumblr is full of therapists, who share my heartaches. the reblogs and posts on my Tumblr indicate the condition of my heart and emotions. 

there was a period when i was so faktap, and all i did was go on Tumblr, visit the pages which have emotional craps to make me scream inside "that's effing right!", and spam my dashboard with the images understood only by broken people. it's like being with a friend who feels everything you feel. but when the miserable phase stops, i'm back to reblogging stuffs for normal happy people.

9. It really gets better in time

Time heals. i can't thank time enough. when i was in miserable states, i always knew how trying to forget, pretending to be okay, and acting all fine would not make any difference. but i knew, i only had to wait.

there is a moment in the timeline of my life, which when i live through it, everything will be alright. the moment is like a rejuvenation potion. you are dying, yet you know you have to keep on living to make it to the point where the potion is secretly hidden. the tricky part is, you don't know where the potion is! all you have to do is walk and hope the next step will be where the potion is buried underneath your feet. and the magical part is, when you've passed the point, you don't know you've had the potion already! sometimes the point is so close to you, you are not aware it's just in front of you. you only notice it a few steps later, when you realized you are no longer dying, you live like you've been granted a new life, a rebirth, and you feel free from any gravity which sucks you into the bottomless dark hole of misery. and that, is the best part of the journey.

yes, your heart can heal shortly. maybe a month is enough. but it doesn't mean your heart wasn't badly broken. it means your heart heals because it needs to be whole to let you love yourself.

10. it hurts to have feelings for someone you shouldn't have feelings for

"orang terlarang". who? depends on you. who when you think of them, you think of them as more than the role they play in your life? 

when you realized what you've gotten yourself into, you have personal dilemma which is really torturing your inside. you feel guilty, you feel this is not right. you can't turn away, because you don't really have a say. your heart controls your feelings. anybody who says they can control their feelings, well they know nothing. you can control your actions, to not go overboard, to stand behind the line, but you can't control who occupies your mind.

now i know why i would rather be longing for something that will never happen with someone who doesn't notice my existence, than longing for something that is such a mess up tangled with someone who knows me and i know him like the back of my hand. or so i thought.

but when it works out, it's one of the best things you can feel. but when the working out part stops, the going wrong scenes fill the plots, it's one of the worst things for real. not only you loose the person in his last role after nothing, you also loose the person in his first role before everything. you can have him back like nothing ever takes place, but you can't erase history.

11. My Glass is Half-Full. For That, I Thank Everyone

yes, i'm still a pessimist, but now i begin to see things on the bright side. because i realize, all those times of thinking how things are tragic, i actually never die. after i realize how badly something is happening to me and i learn how i'm still standing on the ground, i know something good will always come after. i'm an optimistic pessimist now.


there are many people who i want to thank to, but here i'm just gonna mention someone. yes, you. if you read this, i'm sorry i babbled about the past without telling you cos i'm sure you'd like to forget it. but i won't. you know how i was a wreck back then, and you know it was  all because of you, hahah. everything just seems funny now. luckily it didn't affect my studies. but it did affect my mental health... k kidding.

i'm glad we're back as friends, i'm always better at listening to your girls problem than becoming one. i admit you're the first one who did some of the things no one had ever did to/for me, who i did some of the things i had never did to/for anyone pity and lucky. know what? i'm thankful for it all. for the best and the worst stage. i've learnt a lot. about how complex people and life can be, everything i've learnt just from a person.

i don't think most people have been through what i had been through with you. so i feel special. to have been through those very good and very bad days, everything only we know. you might not feel the same way. but to me, it didn't happen just to give me heartbreaks. i don't regret anything at all, for someday the future will prove how everything was not just nothing. i didn't ask for it but it happened anyway. and Allah wants me to learn something, which i already did. so thanks, and sorry for everything.

even if there's no reason why it happened and nothing to be learnt, at least it's something to remember. regrets and mistakes, there are memories made. but i will not find someone like you, harharhar no offence. friends?

12. I trust Allah more than ever

I'm not a good Muslim. i'm trying to be, and it's not easy. but i trust Allah so much because despite every sin i commit, Allah always helps me through and through although i deserve nothing. i'm afraid of being seen as taking things for granted, which i'm not. if anything, Allah helping me only strengthens my weak iman.

and even when Allah tests me with anything that i think i can't bear, i always end up surviving. because remember, Allah doesn't test us if we can't stand the challenge. so it means there's strength inside us that we don't know exists. when i face something i would rather not face, what makes me fall and fret, i wonder if it's Allah's test, or Allah's wake-up call for me. either way, i trust Him more and more each day.

It's different. to just understand how everything happens for a reason, and to feel it yourself. i feel it, and that's because i've faced my fair share of tough times. after this i'm sure things are tougher, and i might feel suicidal or something, but i hope Allah always grants me great patience, and really shows how everything happens for a reason.

13.  I love myself more

that's how i convinced myself to do things, or to not do things, that will hurt me even more, lower my dignity and tarnish my pride. i know where to start, and where to stop. it might be hard, it was, but i kept thinking how i should be loving myself more than those who do not love me enough. i am not the best, but i am good enough to deserve better. 

that's how i take care of my own heart. be it anyone who tries to let me fall and let me down, be it  for any reason at all, in any way possible, i love myself enough to let it all go.

14. AB Family

seriously korang, thank you so much! for everything. EVERYTHING. we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun... memang bermacam seasons kan? kelas yang macam-macam konflik, tapi konflik tu menyatukan kita. kelas yang disalah anggap, tapi kita sebenarnya selamba je. kelas yang dikata macam-macam, tapi kita tetap diam. aku sayang koranglah! sayang, faham? i didn't think i would love this class this much, these people this much, when i first got to know them. but this class, it's special. we had our own ups and downs, and we share them together. 

kelas inilah yang beberapa orangnya walaupun ada yang baru kenal aku, tapi habis dua tahun ni, jadi antara orang yang paling kenal aku, yang tahu apa jadi dalam hidup aku, yang sedih, happy, panas hati sama-sama dengan aku. oh and to talk about our good times! photo shoot AB Familty tu semua, setiap kali lepas exam keluar ramai-ramai sama-sama, bukak puasa together, eh segala bendalah, memang jadi kenangan. so aku nak bagitau, yang lepas ni, aku akan selalu blog pasal AB Family. aku akan blog post sempena kelas, atau sempena korang sorang-sorang secara peribadi. special tak? nangis sekaranggg.

itu pun kalau rajin. hehe.

sayang korang.

15. The Last Day of High School - 11.11.11

a beautiful date on a beautiful day. finally, finally. we hugged, we laughed, we cried, we took pictures, recorded videos, doodled on the whiteboard with permanent markers, walked that last walk from school to McD. it was a day to say this all ends here, a day to say good bye to everyone and everything, to annoyance and nonsense. a day to remember.

i'll blog about it later.

so... that's my year. well of course there's more, but this is already too long for anyone to even care right?



what a year.