From a Speck of Dust

i hope nobody will read this. but i know some will. who cares, this is my blog. my blogger tab is opened, hence. i usually write about this stuff on tumblr. but i haven't written on tumblr for a very, very, long time. i feel bad about that too. but now let's focus on this blog, and make up with it first. blog, i'm gonna spill. tonight, i'm reminded of how bad i've made... guys feel about me. i know it was bad. it was. i could go on about how bad was bad and how could i be so sure, but let's not. let's just say making them feel bad, made me feel bad, that i have shed tears myself. sometimes not because i felt guilty, but because i knew what they felt was genuine and i couldn't give it back. and i realized i couldn't even feel for myself what they felt for me, such feelings... and i cried. most of the times i was careful, but when it comes to others' feelings it's just beyond your control. it was ages ago, so long ago. so i know i'm just a speck of dust in their lives now. but tonight - as a random act of kindness, or i don't know, out of guilt, or simply, completely random 2 am moments for the people i used to know - i pray that they are happy. i do.

My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?

Dia

Kepada dia, yang minta aku tulis tentang dia.

Cari saja tulisan-tulisan aku yang lama di sini. Dan akan aku beri kau baca semua tulisanku yang tersimpan rapi. Malah aku tulis lagi dan lagi, tidak akan pernah berhenti - di pena, atau di hati.

Amacam? Kekeke kbye

You Can't Unlove Your Mother

once upon a time, i was afraid of falling for someone so hard for fear of having another love like my love for my mother.

still am. but i know that is inevitable. i knew. still, i wished for no such love. love for mama? i had no choice. i was born into her arms, i was born to love her, i was born loved and loving. but love for another? why would i do that to myself? i wouldn't put myself through that. that, to quote somebody, would be the most elaborated form of self-destruction.

because i know that love will one day put me in so much pain, one way or the other. when you love someone too much you have to remind yourself that anything you love more than God will be the reason for your worst pain. is that good or bad?

i can cry just thinking about it. i did a few days ago. to love to that point, man ain't that intense.

i know when i love someone else like that, i'm screwed big time.

for mama, i didn't have i choice. i can't unlove my mom. i couldn't love her less. so i have to learn to love God more. before He teaches me a lesson - the lesson. i don't love much, but i love hard. i don't know if i could love anybody half as much as i love her, but even that would be enough to tear my heart in two. i don't know how to love two parents; babah left so early for me to find out. that's how i have come to love only mama and mama only. that's why this one love is everything to me.

i make it a point to let mama know i love her every chance i get. because another fear of mine is not telling people i love that i love them enough. or not having the chance to tell them at all.

two times you're reminded that you only have Allah:

1. when you feel so alone although you're surrounded by many, that only you can take care of yourself because you have to.

2. when you don't feel alone at all, but your loved ones are so faraway you can only hope for Him to take care of them for you.

the first one i felt about a year ago, the second one now. two very different feelings in two very different places. Alhamdulillah. had i not gone through the former, i might not be here to experience the later. you can't have it all baby. but this is already so much more than i ever deserve.

and i owe it all to you mama. i do.

So Much For Maturity

I have the habit of keeping old memories. because i can't rely on my own memory storage, as it has been proven to be unreliable. i keep memories in term of physical evidence. for example: writings and images, among other things. i have vaguely named folders, sometimes using only alphabets.

and i have the habit of going back to old memories, such as tonight.

randomly, a folder titled "BT".

usually this habit evokes feelings of nostalgia, if it doesn't remind me of lessons i once learned from experiences. but tonight, it evokes guilt, and makes me realize of lessons i should learn from myself

i think this is the first time i saw something i hadn't seen before, and felt something i hadn't felt before - and it pointed at me. my fingers pointed at me. it was hard at first, but i then realized this is - a bit ironically as at the time of it happening i claimed to be the mature one - a point of maturity.

i was the mature one; i wanted direction when others wandered, i wanted purpose when others experimented, i wanted exclusivity when others - well, others did have it. but not me. "too young for commitment, too old for games." that was me. that wasn't him.

but tonight, i realized i wasn't really that mature after all! it takes more than being ready to commit to be in a relationship. i played a part as well of it not reaching that stage, and thank god it didn't. even then it was already too problematic - we just clashed on many levels despite having the connection for many years. i had my faults, just like him. although he had more. ok kidding hahahah (no). k sori.

he didn't want to talk - i bottled it up till i burst. he never answered when i asked - i assumed the worst. he was always confused - i was always frustrated. he didn't share my common sense - i shared a piece of my mind. he wanted to talk - i burst with harsh words. he couldn't change for me - i wouldn't wait for him. he said he can't be the type of guy i want - i said that's okay, don't change if i'm not worth it. he asked for time to change - i didn't dare giving. he was no longer worth of my trust - i no longer bothered trying. he wanted to try - i had tried enough. his heart was not set - mine was on fire. he didn't have devotion -  i didn't have patience.

pushing him away was the right thing to do but the way i did it was not. the worst were the words i said with disdain. that was not mature. i even felt i could be the one who's wrong. it actually made me sad reading what came out from my own mouth and imagining how it must have made him felt so bad :( it wasn't always that way, but still, saying things like he didn't care and all. i didn't curse, but i was harsh. the way i handled his immaturity proved mine. we were immature in different ways. we both weren't ready. i can pretty much justify everything i did as listed above, but not my harsh words.

bila baca balik, macam "alahai tak matangnya kau."

i was 17, and now i'm 21. 4 years of changes and i hope, of growing up.

maturity is not about how you are generally. it's about how you're mad or sad as hell but still able to keep your cool; for your, their, and heaven's sake, haha. maturity is not hurting people back when they hurt you. i know that now. i didn't know that 4 years ago.

i'm sorry for being immature. whatever you did, it didn't give me the right to be it.

Silly Rules, Boundaries, and Principles

Topik tengah malam kita pada hari ini ialah... what a lame girl with silly rules i am, a.k.a. ama tapape.

i've long known how i have a set of rules i myself deem silly at times, but when people point out to you how you're obviously a girl with boundaries (hazirah, 2015) and even a girl with principles (shafiqah, 2011), it is a bit woah moment lah kan.

if you hadn't said it, i wouldn't have noticed lol. i know i have silly rules, boundaries and principles, but i don't think i'm a girl with that all. but actually i am. and when other people can see that too, you hella are, gurl.

i thought at least people who knew this were my best friend, and um, those who have had to deal with my silly rules, boundaries and principles. but apparently, it might have come across to the larger circle as well. and i honestly don't know where the circumference or radius are. because shockingly, somebody who confessed about me on INTEC Confession mentioned something about me having boundaries too, loooooooool. of course i can't really laugh it off, because i don't know who it was. but still. i thought it wasn't obvious!

"you obviously are," said hazirah.

i think shafiqah was referring to the more general tapapeness of mine, while hazirah was referring to the more specific ones. for example, involving guy friends, and where or when it is concerned, boyfriend- um, future husband. even with family. that one she pointed out, and only then i remember how not a family girl i am. but i'm a mama's girl. so i think it's still healthy. hahahaha.

hazirah said i'm too cautious, even with those i don't have to be cautious with. hmm maybe. yes i am. for reasons i'm not even sure valid or relevant. hopefully not all that nonsensical. i'm not sure for how long i can keep this forte, but i'm gonna keep it as long as i can. "but that's boring," she added. I know. But i'm doing it for the future. And the future won't be boring. Hehe.

hazirah said that i do a lot of thinking before doing something, and asked if i ever "oh screw it, let's do it." i have been that person, especially just about a year ago, and that got me in troubles. but i must admit, a decision i made in that yolo phase was worth it. that was a phase when i felt both frustrated and freed, that i became another person. it wasn't really... me. i miss that freedom, but now i admit it was also out of frustration. i'm back to being me. what to do, overthinker by nature.

hazirah said (yes this post is dedicated to what hazirah said about me tonight) don't i ever think of giving in to something i won't do (no matter how i want to do it if i'm in that yolo state of mind) just for the sake of giving my brain a break. then i don't have to think about it anymore, i'm done, i can chill. but ah, what i do or do not do, is to prevent further overthinking in the future. i might not mess up my mind for a while, but after that, the consequences will clutter my brain all the same (well unless i go full yolo, in which case i don't have to think about it ever again.)

i am going with it

hazirah said that she had second thoughts about me haha and she thought i was "cool to live by rules" and "smart to set limits", but i have to make sure that the subjects can keep up. so there's no misunderstanding. she also said i set boundaries so things i have already imagined wouldn't happen. that's the point! it might seem tapape, but i'm just prepared. i'm preparing myself for all possibilities. even the worst case scenarios, god forbids. it's not that i don't want it. but gurl gotta be realistic too.

hazirah even said... if one thinks i'm tapape, they will ditch me and my rules. but i think it's quite the opposite. i think they will bear with me and my rules, despite me being tapape. because it's all included in the package. you can't have ama without the tapapeness. such as hazirah herself. she doesn't ditch me. and she does think i am tapape. maybe that's because my boundaries and principles don't apply to her, hmm. oh who cares, i know they love me anyway, i hope they always will. I'm a lucky girl :')

so i just want to say sorry to anyone who has ever dealt with my silly rules, or who has to listen to me rambling or reading my blog post about it which doesn't make sense as usual - that's just me. please bear with it for a while :')

and i want to thank you for respecting and accepting it, even if you don't understand why.

maybe one day you will ;)

Because I Was Bitter and Now It Doesn't Matter

ctrl + click, click, click

19.9.2013

What i have learned is if you were once with somebody and it went wrong, you would want somebody new to find the right one. and then if you once felt something serious but it disappeared, you would want something new just to fool around.

once you have moved on from that one guy, you start noticing other guys. probably more than you should.

27.9.2013

Don't love people because of what they do for you and how the make you feel. love people for who they are and what you feel because of them. love their existence, not their action. maybe that's irrational, but maybe that's real.

11.11.2013

They say you're never gonna forget your first love. i know no first love, but i can say that's bullshit. i say, you will never forget your first heartbreak. it doesn't mean you can't move on from the person, it only means you can't let go of the reason. the feeling has long gone, but you still feel the heartache.

regardless of what i feel, i'm not gonna be the reason someone is hurt the way i was, i'm not gonna indulge in this guilty pleasure at the expense of somebody else's pain. yes i won't mind, i want fun, i won't cross the line. this is nothing, only two acquaintances connecting but the uncertainty of something with no label outbalances the treaty of what is official.

for the first time i don't care, because i know it won't hurt me. but this devil may care attitude might hurt somebody. just because my free heart doesn't have any feeling that doesn't mean i'm heartless to the point of hurting someone else's.

6.12.2013

Have you ever met someone whom when you get to know them better you realize it is more dangerous than you thought it was? for the reason that two of you are more alike than anyone else you have encountered? in opinions and experiences which make you think you have been on your own all these years?

1.2.2014

I don't take guys seriously. except under certain circumstances.

27.2.2014

Now i'm not rushing to find the one. i just want to meet new people and get to know them, and if i find him in the process, that makes life easier doesn't it?

7.3.2014

My friend said i need a man, not a guy. it's not that i need it but it's that mere guys don't deserve me. i need a guy who knows what to do with me.

my mom said as long as he's a good guy like babah, it's enough. enough? to get a guy that good enough is already too much!

13.3.2014

When you love someone you see something in them that others don't. ironically, it's why love is blind.

13.3.2014

Two things have changed.

1. I'm no longer a damsel in distress. i'm many years way passed that phase.

2. I don't want to complete anybody or clean up after somebody else's mess.

13.3.2014

Even if i found the perfect guy. he won't be perfect for me. because i'm not perfect. i don't want someone who's perfect to me. i need someone who's perfect for me.

a guy said, "i love her even when she's not that great, not that pretty." did you really have to say that? the fact that you said that alone shows that you care about it but for some ~divine~ reasons you still like that person? oh i don't know, maybe she's the only person left or the only one who ever pays attention to you, even if it's out of sympathy?

excuse me. saying you like someone but you don't know why despite them not being so great or pretty, that's idiotic love. that's not blind love. that's idiotic.

i'm not saying you should only look for someone great or pretty for your love to ever be considered valid. i'm saying that's selfish love. what i meant is you should see in someone something great or pretty about them that other people might not notice or bother that it exists. that's what you should love. even if the whole world don't bother.

if you're gonna say "oh i don't know what i love about you but i do." man, that's not romantic at all. that's idiotic. of course you have to love something about her. of course there's something to love. and yet, you don't know that and you say you love this person? pfft.

i'll tell these people to find someone they can say "you're great and pretty and i love you" to and leave the rest of us the heck alone.

it's better to see somebody as beautiful because you love them, than to love somebody because you think they are beautiful.

27.3.2014

I'd rather want a bad boy who is bold and loyal than a nice guy who is a coward or a player.

13.4.2014

Just because it's the perfect love story or the perfect friendship doesn't mean it's yours to keep.

13.4.2014

I don't look for someone because i want to get married. i want to get married because i've found the one.

i'm not that type of person. i will get married only for love. but i know love alone isn't enough to keep a marriage last. sparks will disappear. flames will extinguish. feelings fade away. emotions are only a ride, not the whole journey. of course it's going to take a lot more than just love.

i want a good guy. but i don't want a nice guy. for some reasons. besides, don't you know nice guys finish last? and honestly, i don't want to wait.

14.4.2014

If you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me.

15.4.2014

I think among other challenges being married to me is don't change me to be what i don't want to be.

if you have other criteria for a wife and i don't fit in your cup of expectation, please look for somebody else who is better to you, for you. for there are many women out there who are better than me. that, is if you plan on shaping me into your mold. if i'm just fine the way i am to you and i just need to improve on being a better me, because we all have to at some point, then that's not a problem.

i can be a rebel. note that.

19.5.2014

I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a romantic realist.

20.5.2014

I don't want a guy who can't live without me. i don't want to be wanted just because i'm why he lives, i'm what keeps him alive. i don't want to be wanted just because i am the reason. because i'm not that person. i don't want someone i can't live without. i want someone i want to live with.

love shouldn't be treated like oxygen. air keeps us alive. we want air to keep living. we need it. i don't want to be wanted just because i'm needed nor do i need a guy to want him. i want to be wanted for me. not needed for anybody. i want to want a guy because i want him. i could have had anyone else, i could have chosen freedom, but no, i want him. not because i need him.

if you could live without air, if you don't need it, would you still want it?

although air holds a vital value in our lives, i don't want to be air. unless, in that alternate universe, somebody let go the liberty of living without limit, to breath in me. of all the choices of skies and spaces, he chooses the earth, because that's where i am. all around him. inside him. he doesn't need me. but he wants me.

that's what i want. not what i need.

26.5.2014

No, not not good enough for somebody. but not good for somebody.

if we're talking about looking for someone who's good enough, it will never end. there will always be someone better and better and better and you'll never settle with the best person because it doesn't exist.

that's why i want someone who's good for me. he might not be good enough to some, heck he might not be good at all to them. who cares? he's not the best or better than everybody else, it's not the matter of him being good enough for me or i him, it's about us being good for each other,

so yeah. i might end up with a sk8rboi or that guy with rugged style or that hunk behind glasses or that dude in a band or that average joe or anyone at all, and if i like him, i like him. he doesn't have to be that good a guy. just good for me.

and i believe that's good enough.

29.5.2014

i should have met somebody by now since i plan to get married no later than 25 and i must know that dude for at least 7 years before we do.

i thought of this when i was, idk, in primary school? so let's not question if it's valid ok. but there's certainly some logic to it. a part of the logic was, if you can't be my friend for 7 years, how can you be my husband for a lifetime? that's why we need to test for our compatibility and chemistry first, and contrary to popular belief, i don't believe this is what they call a 'test drive' or worst, when it doesn't work out, 'a used toy.' at least not my idea of doing it. maturity is key.

it's not necessarily courtship, more like a constant friendship. though it really depends on your definition and i couldn't care less what you think of me if you judge me based on my status. but yeah, constant friendship. not just friends where hey i know you and you know me. but constant friends where we're really friends for seven consecutive years. that way we can see if there's chemistry and compatibility without courting each other. fine, kinda like courtship but no, i have a whole different idea in my head. even if it is, i know what i'm doing so please kindly remove your nose out of my business thank you.

but i know life enough to know things don't always go as planned and we don't always get what we want or well, initially wanted.

5.6.2014

Someone whom i share no mutual friends with would be nice. 

i don't want some people from my past to be in my future just because i get married to somebody.

like, yall are just gonna find out i'm married when you see me with a kid. ha! not that you'd care if i wouldn't invite you, but i'd care if he would.

17.6.2014

crush. no heartache no heartbreak no hurting. no commitment and consistency and care which is okay. if i'm not gonna get any i might as well not get all!

if you can't give me commitment at least give me consistency and if that is still so hard on your part at least show that you freaking care once in a while! you know why? because it's not gonna be easy to convince me. you can't pop out of nowhere and pop the question. i get nothing from my crush and the most i can get is brief eye contact, which is already more than enough for me and it makes me happy. unattainable people at least have reasons why they are unattainable. like they don't know me. no excuse. like they just don't care. let me live this way. it's not real, but at least i can imagine what if it was real and not hurting myself over the thought of how it should have been possible. 

i sound so much like a school girl. and i didn't sound like a school girl when i was a school girl. like i've said i guess we all have our phases. mine is all jumbled up, understanding something too early and learning something too late.

21.6.2014

at twenty, i realize that i'm young and i tell myself that i should be living on the fast lane, grab what i can get, take the chance i want and despite having much time i can't waste it on anything or anybody which and whose value and return won't appreciate, because i have no time to wait.

15.7.2014

casual. not committed and consistent. not focused. but free and flexible.

delete

Afraid To Feel

apparently i’m someone who’s afraid to feel, among other things i’ve just discovered recently.

i’m afraid of how much i can feel and how feelings can fade away. of the uncertainty. of fate and failing. of being hurt after being happy. of it not working out. of me not making it work. of it not happening. of something else happening instead.

i’m afraid of attachment. of not being able to live without somebody after a life of solitude. of giving them the power to give me pain. of detachment. of falling apart. of being forced to part for whatever reason.

i’m afraid of caring about another person. of being concerned. of worrying of their well-being. of losing them.

i’m afraid of wanting things. of not getting what i want. of not wanting anything else.

i’m afraid of myself. of not being able to stand it all. of me escaping.

because i don’t want to feel the worst after feeling the best.

apparently i’m someone who’s afraid to feel, among other things, about some things.

The Proposal

the ending.

the end.

oh i forgot to mention i was talking about the movie.

lulz

I Realize I'm 20 So I Talk About Spouses, How to Spouse and stuffs

apparently i've reached the point in life where people start to ask about..... having somebody.

friends ask it, that's normal. but for mama's friends to ask? to mama herself?? then she tells you "i've told you so"??? you know you've reached that age. i think it's too early. not for me. but for people to give a crap. too early to be asked by old people. when i found out about it i was surprised, because, why???

whenever mama's friends say something to me, i say "makcik ni cakap je banyak tapi takde anak laki ke cucu ke nak offer tak guna jugak"... in my heart. and to my mom. then i laugh cos i'm so funny ain't i? who wouldn't want a menantu liddis?? who laughs at her own jokes??? :""D

of course i'm not serious. arranged marriage and set up spouse is so not me. but i could try lolol. rest assured i'm not like this in front of people. only with mom, close friends, and keretapi. muah. in real life, i'm... shy :3

mama never asks about it. i like mama. she didn't ask then, "sekolah lagi jangan menggatal/tunggu masuk u dulu/bila dah kerja ramai lagi ada" she doesn't ask now, "ada sesape tak/baik bawak jumpa drpd diam2/baik depan mata drpd belakang2" phewh. i always asked why you never asked me. do you trust me? or you just don't think i'm capable of doing that? what an insult! lulz. because i've got friends whose mom say these stuffs. ada dulu tak kasi kawan rapat sikit dengan laki langsung, ada sekarang suruh kawen je kalau dah ada orang. both would be a pressure to me. maybe my mom thinks i'd tell her if i have anything to tell her, considering the rate at which i show her my crushes. mom, crushes are different from serious ones. maybe my mom thinks i won't cross the line and i know to take care of myself, that's what she told me when i was still in school and asked her about that. asalkan jangan lebih2 katanya. ok beres, loool. it works for me. cos i'm a nice girl and can be trusted. capable or incapable alike and aside hew hew.

my mom trusts me. love u mama. u wont regret it. i wont elope or something. if i do, i'll bring u :')

am i really 20? i don't feel like it. my brothers definitely don't see it. but my mom wants me to feel like one, and sees me like one. she tells me to do things twenty-year-olds should do, including... this. not getting into details here. but yeah. bye. she never asks, but now she talks about it. many times... i can talk to her, ask her anything, joke around. it's fun, but freaky haha. the first time she said "umur doploh mmg dah patut ada dah pun", i was like gurlll, who are you and what have you done to my momma?!

mama's only saying that because it should take years to get to know somebody before you marry them. i wanted seven years. now i'm 20... dont wanna be married at 27 so i'll cut down the numbers haha. it's not like she wants me to get married now, so i don't have to be worried of mom telling me to marry somebody i don't want to or when i don't want to. it all depends on me hehe. mama aint no mak drama melayu k.

when i was 18, she told me to start praying for a good spouse. the first time i did was when i did my umrah, it was at masjid nabawi, my first time praying there when i was crying tears and snots. i prayed about everything i could pray for. i prayed to make the right decisions in life, cos i'm so indecisive and i'm always afraid of taking the wrong turn and having to return and redo, so i prayed about choosing the right pathway, the right course, the right university, the right career, the right spouse - who's this and that. but only then it was only like a sub unit not the main topic.

now at 20, she tells me not to just pray but do something about it. you see, i'm the type of person who won't pray for what i don't feel. i am at the point in life which i feel nothing, thus i don't feel the need to pray about that thing. i know that's good but i've just got many other things to pray for right now. takde masa la nak doa jodoh ni banyak lagi benda nak doa, i always say. there's just no feel in the prayers if there's no feel in the heart. aww. not that i never did, so i know the difference. between praying with a cause and praying just because. i'll wait till the time comes to pray, the time comes when i have to pray. i'll know when, it's when i don't know. that's just me, i don't even pray for my own good health. when it's vital, but i just don't see it in long term. i know that's bad but hey, i never not pray for my mom's good health and etc etc etc so i guess that's make up for it right? two in one. the angels are praying for me too insyaallah hehe. ama's so lazy.

when i told her about friends who have "friends", she'd say mesti dorang doa, sebab tu perjalanan hidup lancar, senang je dapat cepat je jumpa. ma doakanla! i'm too lazy to pray for my own jodoh for god's sake. like i said, i have other things to pray for. but that doesn't mean i do or only think about the things i say in my prayers, it just means what is not included in the prayers, is not important enough at the moment. we can do everything though, we've just got to prioritize. stok2 yang awek kena no 1 sentiasa ni mohon clash je lah k.

i'm old school and new school too. i'm conservative but also liberal. i'm both traditional and modern.

love me or hate me, that's the true story.

i agree with going to see wali before you're getting down on one knee. but if you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me. guys have to get green light from other girls' parents to get the girl but with me i give the green light to get to the parents. so much girl power here. but that's just me lah. other girls you can break the door and threat the wali into marrying you both right at that moment for all i care lol.

why? because i'm not getting myself into any awkward situation. if i were a guy, i wouldn't want it either. imagine myself as a guy. i wouldn't want to go meet the girl's parents, despite not having enough guts telling myself to get some nerves, believing that it will all work out for the best, then finding out from the parents that i got rejected. wanna make it worse? get myself rejected in front of my parents. or if i'm that goody two shoes to just send my parents to do the talking, to have them tell me about the rejection. imagine them putting their hands on your shoulders looking in your eyes saying "naw son". donno about you, but i'm the better-off-disappointed-alone kinda guy. erm, girl.

why don't guys and girls just get awkward themselves first, because getting the family involved straightaway is just embarrassing. if you're too even goody two shoes you can't talk to each other, consider sending letters or using a trusted middle person to pass the message as simple as this

"can i see your wali and get a yes?"

"can."

see, simple! awkwardness averted! heartbreak (in front of elders) spared!

ni dah berkias berpantun bermadah bagai siap bawak kaum kerabat pastu kena reject, lol.

in my ideal imagination both sides already know the answer. talk to each other first, then talk to your parents. see what they say. they can discuss when the parents meet. discussion is good, even if it's not in your favour. way much better than a rejection, right? to me, we're living right here and now, so it's realistic and practical. the parents meet just to make it formal, if it is to be made official. the parents can still meet just for the sake of it, once you at least know where it's going even if you don't know how and when. it's informal and fun. if you don't think it will be, then restrain from introducing the parents and wait until you really have to, haha.

another thing is about chaperoning. i once chaperoned two awkward people, leaving me awkward in the middle. because it was their first time. at least me being there was not as awkward as it would have been with family! imagine meeting for the first time or going out at early stage with family, when you yourselves are awkward enough without your family interfering and just making things more awkward cos they are family. right???... or is it just me. cos i have the last child syndrome and inferiority complex or something....

i'm awkward with my own family, sooo *shrugs. i guess it's best to be chaperoned by somebody who knows you well, cool enough, yet knows the boundary. no matter who that is, doesn't always have to be family. like me. i'm perfect. why? no, not why i'm perfect. do you really have to ask, lolololulz. why are people like me the perfect chaperons? and people like me need the perfect chaperons? because we weirdos have weird families. apart from my mom, my family don't know much about me besides what they have to know, you know, like where i live or what age i am. although my brothers used to be confused, but i guess that would do that they knew i was a girl. hm. apart from my mom, i don't talk much to my family besides what they have to know, you know, like what i studied. although my brother asked me if i was going to fly overseas in my 3rd semester of alevel, but at least he asked. hm. no, he was not wrong. that's a really good question. of course i wanted to, but was i going to? deep there.

but let's just stick to marriage thingies shall we cos we've covered that topic in the previous post and i wanna chill.

how are you supposed to have that deeper conversation with the potential spouse in front of the person whom you've never had deeper conversation with?

i feel like if i ever, when pigs fly, had my brothers chaperoned me, it would be more of a session in which they were the ones who would get to know me. such a pity when i'm so fly in the outside world, sigh~

but of course, my brothers would never chaperon me. they would never let me see somebody. they would never let me get married. not that i never did hahahah. i mean, not the married part. it's hard when babah's not around. for a lot of reasons, but in this area it's particularly harder. i bet if babah was still here he wouldn't mind. after all, he and mama got the coolest parents award, remember? cool in a controlled way, cey. if babah was here, there would only be one obstacle. babah and mama were one unit. they could discuss and decide. when angah wanted to get married at 21, babah just let him but mama let in her thoughts first. girls. but he got married anyway. now, babah's not here. i've got 5 obstacles. mom and third brother are cool though. i said to mama "how do you expect me to bring anybody home, with them, at home?"

that's why we prefer to not do it at home, lol, i mean bring the matters to family's concern.

bro 1, this is the same mom when you brought your girlfriend you met in US when we were in UK having a family trip. bro 2, this is the same mom you asked to bring your girlfriend to stay at home every school holiday because she lives faraway. bro 3, this is the same mom whom you showed your girlfriend to during your solat hajat pmr, but u cool so ok. bro 4, this is the same mom when you had all your girlfriends since forever till the end of your single life. i don't know what you guys call them back then but don't think i don't know. jadi jangan jadi poyo. my mom said ala biar je, mana tau dorang tak kasi. sebab dorang poyo sejak azali maaa.

cos my brothers weren't so innocent, maybe they think every guy is the same, like them. muahahah. so they don't trust anybody with..... male genes. so unfair for me tsk. but my mom, she got babah who was super nice the ultimate good guy but never cowardice, so she thinks, despite saying nobody can be like babah, that males generally are like babah. maybe my parents just got the cool genes and my bros don't. something about recessive alleles or something, idk. bye bio. 

so i say, it's not going to work if you ask their family members about them or get their family members to chaperon you, if the family doesn't really know the person. it happens.

why i'm rambling about this is because i feel, not all old ways suit the modern days. of course, you don't have to abandon all, you've just got to modify it a bit. plus, all those stuffs about asking parents for one's hand in marriage or asking family about one's self, solely, was necessary only because people back then don't know each other!!! how else are you going to talk to a girl if the girl doesn't talk to guys and only stays at home? now, even girls who stay at home have internet. loool.

well, if you still choose the meet the parents first then only talk after you're wedded, good for you, you goody two shoes.

i'm also rambling because i just talked to my mother about this. as usual, she only listens while she does her things. besides that, i'm in the process of assisting somebody with my expertise to woo... women. i realize it's not easy either, the games people these days play. you've gotta have tactics and strategies and breaks and plans and backup plans. i feel my brain cells connecting, what a wingwoman. i don't always get to put my skills into practice, but when i do it's for helping a friend. sigh. dude if she falls for you, she falls for me. i'm so smooth and subtle and most importanly, syara' compliant *wink. hahahaha

anyway, despite me being so bajet talking about marriage so poyo, i think i'll end up an old maid.

it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

ok i'm out, bye.

Istanbul + Lisa + Beto + Warkah + Aku

tadi aku tengok Istanbul Aku Datang.

random gila, tetiba je post pertama sejak kemunculan semula bajet comeback ni pasal movie, movie lama lak tu. hidup kena random. baru unpredictable dan menerujakan (?). ni first time tengok cite ni sejak tengok kat wayang dulu, tengok ngan sape tah. diena ke hazirah? macam diena. sebab kalau tengok ngan diena tak segan salu nangis sesama hahaha hai hajer :3 

rasanya insiden Mana Jodohku bersama diena tu jadi pas tengok cite ni. ke KIL? ke semua cite? LOL

"nak jugaaak, mana beto kita?!"

*dua indon lalu*

"takpe, we'll wait."

hahaha keji.

cite ni best sebab orang yang buat cite ni ialah orang sama yang buat cite Gol & Gincu dan Pisau Cukur. cite melayu yang best walaupun malangnya, westernized. tapi best. siapa suruh cerita melayu yang lain lame gila?! lagi2 jiwang islamik!! allergic!!! *terus trending: "keretapi dikecam industri filem melayu kerana mengecam industri filem melayu"/"keretapi hilang jati diri"/"keretapi sekular" lol. best kat sini dari segi plot, character development, natural dialogue, fresh idea, cinematography dan sebagainya ye. ha kau ingat aku takleh cakap bahasa orang filem ke.

cite ni jugak best sebab ada kelakar, sedih, drama, semua ada. di sini saya ingin menekankan bab emo movie ni.

sudah semestinya masa azzad (tomok) maki dian (lisa my pretty bby). masa dia cakap merewang jalang segala tu, tengok muka dian pun dah sedih. masa tu harris (beto ma boo) yang bising, dian diam je. dia pandang azzad dengan muka "sanggup kau cakap camtu? sanggup kau fikir camtu? i'm so done, i can't even, whatever." haaa. it's worse when someone just stays silent, instead of saying more. they shut up, they give up. then after fist fight cat fight tu, scene harris basuhkan rambut dian sambil dian menangis. aku gelak, sebab lawak, tapi pada masa sama aku nangis jugak. faham tak perasaan dia? faham tak background music buat lebih feel?? faham tak???

pastu malam terakhir lisa dekat istanbul, yang dia deep conversation dengan harris. harris kata dia pernah ada pengalaman macam dian, tapi dia teruskan. sebab "dua hidup yang dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan." faham. tapi akhirnya berakhir jugak, walaupun bukan sebab tu. faham. benda kalau dah nak jadi, atau takkan jadi, memang tak boleh buat apa. manusia kalau dah memang bermasalah, pusing la banyak mana pun, pura-pura la selama mana pun, memang terhenti sampai situ je. faham.

nak nak lagi masa ni:

faham sangat.

dian kata, azzad tu dia dah kenal bertahun-tahun, bukan seminggu dua! harris balas... "ye. saya yang awak baru kenal seminggu dua," dan terus berlalu pergi. YA ALLAH ALL THE FEELS. sumpah ah. feel untuk dian, feel untuk harris, feel untuk diri sendiri, feel untuk satu dunia! 

dian, dear. i understand. it is easier to trust somebody you've known for years, even though they've betrayed your trust, simply for the reason that you have known them for years. you know them longer than anyone else. but it doesn't mean you know them better... logically, statistically, theoretically, you would, but that isn't always the case... maybe that's the rule, but we are the exception. you'd think that, what's a mistake compared to many other things he does right? yes, but what kind of mistake this is? how bad did he do you wrong? was it accidental or by choice? you'd think that, at least you know him, and you could have had a lot worse, and what if he will be better, and what if you won't get another? yes, but you can also get to know other people. who can be far better than him. even if they are way worse, so what? would you settle for somebody who's not worth it just for the sake of settling? no right? we are better than that.

you are better than that. i mean, look at you.

i can't stop looking.

lisa surihani my pretty lady, you're undoubtedly the prettiest girl... ever. you're both beautiful and cute, in both looks and personality. kalau omputeh, i rasa camni kat zooey deschanel, kalau ommelayu, you. yang tengok tak pernah jemu. usha tak pernah bosan. segan nak cakap tapi kengkadang i stalk you, just to see your face and it makes me feel... happy. ok let's not show the world how creepy you are ama. (i'm heterosexual). 

i hate yusry.

azzad is the epitome of guys i hate. wanna know what? watch the scene when he oh so pathetically explained to dian why he did the thing he did. what he did, and the reasons for it, are what make me hate a guy.

faham sangattt.

kesian dian. boleh bayangkan tak. jauh-jauh datang istanbul dengan agenda nak buat boyfriend dia ajak dia kawen. sekali lain yang dapat. bila dah dapat sakit jiwa patah hati macam tu, boyfriend ajak kawen pulak siap bajet sweet nak balik malaysia sekali. akhirnya dian dapat apa dia nak. tapi berbaloikah? 

TIDAKKK!!!!!

*sambil soundtrack nyanyian tomok, sungguh ironik, beralun sementara dian buntu*

Aku datang kepadamu

Aku datang mencarimu

Tapi kau pergi dariku

Bagai bayu di jari jari ku

(sedap lagu ni)

it's like, a guy is asking for another chance, and that is exactly what you want, but is it worth it? you are asked to give him time and wait for him to change investing yourself more and more in something you're not even sure of getting the return you hope for? what if it all goes to waste?

dian, dear. i understand. so trust me when i say, just get the hell out of there.

i mean, the relationship or whatever it is undeclared thing you've got going on. but harris? HE'S A KEEPER, KEEP HIM!

i liked beto before it was cool.

no, seriously. i've liked beto since 2009, when he played Rosli Dhoby in Warkah Terakhir. sejak tu tau beto pelakon yang hebat. drama ni pun memang terbaik sangat. menangis macam anak aku pulak yang kena hukum bunuh, tsk. sekarang aku harap beto dapat watak yang buat satu malaysia ternganga tengok bakat dia, sebab beto selalu berlakon cite underrated. thanks beto for giving me the chance to see the lives and share the tears of our national heroes and their loved ones. speaking of which... trivia time! did you know? Rosli had a girlfriend. Rosli asked her to promise him that she would wait for him. until this day, she is still waiting for him. waiting to be reunited, even in death....... how could you not cry???

a love story of exchanging love letters in books, which ended in an everlasting promise. i hope they will have their happy ending, there. so much respect for both. the guy - his courage. the girl - her patience. may they be rewarded, insyaallah.

cite ni style gile

beto lagi hensem dalam cite ni dan cite lain, tapi dalam istanbul rupa dia agak mengecewakan. peh suka hati je. sebab aku tak suka rambut dia! you look better with short hair! rambut tu buat awak nampak macam adik-adik sikit. i was hoping the ending scene would feature beto with short hair since it was two years later but sadly, still the side-swept gay hair. oh well, if that's what dian likes i'm in no place to complain. lol.

beto is the epitome of good-looking malay-looking guys. takla hensem sangat tahap artis sekarang, tapi cukup sedap mata memandang. ceh. aku ada kawan yang standard dia mat saleh je. sume omputeh. ommelayu ni bukan taste dia la. tapi dia suka beto! of all mamat melayu! siap layan Geng Surau hari-hari dulu masa bulan puasa sebab beto ada. nampak tak penangan beto khusyairy di situ. he's the definition of attractive, i guess. you like him but you don't know why :3

post ni pasal apa sebenarnya. hmmm.

like dian, i have my plans. i don't only have plans, i have my rules. 

but i'm discarding it all. i have discarded it all. i've learnt that life doesn't always go as planned, and love, certainly never does. i've learnt that i can live without my silly little rules and still have the same amount of dignity and worth, and anybody who thinks i am less decent just because of it, is not worth it. i'm now free and flexible, but that doesn't mean i'm somebody without principles. 

i don't have plans, and i don't have rules, and i'm just fine.

i do things, or don't, because i want to, or don't. because of what i feel at the moment. not because of some plans or rules i made up long ago, not in context and respect of what will or won't happen. you may say what you want but at twenty, after having lived cautiously, i guess i'd say..... i know what i'm doing so don't worry :)

oh and i do not blog like dian does. i do not.

no xoxo. no more.

no.