Depression Tu Macam Drugs. Drugs Tu Memang Dadah. el o el.

dulu aku rasa aku kena kawan dengan orang yang betul-betul faham aku. masa tu aku sekolah rendah. untuk ada kawan yang betul-betul faham aku, kriteria kawan idaman aku ialah kena serabut, kena ada sesuatu yang dia takde, kena ada sesuatu yang tak normal dalam hidup dia, kena ada sesuatu yang buat dia depress. baru dia boleh faham aku, baru aku boleh percaya dia.

tapi kengkawan aku dulu macam bahagia pulak semuanya. hidup nampak sempurna je. nampak jelah, di sebalik dinding rumah aku taktau. tapi aku rasa memang bahagia pun. at least, lebih daripada aku. aku rasa laa, jangan marah kalau aku salah. kalau aku rasa ada yang tak bahagia, tu sebab muka kau kelam. dan sebab aku pegang lumrah alam yang takde apa yang sempurna. kita semua ada benda kita takde. aku bukan mind reader. aku tak boleh 'baca jiwa yang rapuh dari mata yang sedih' kalau dah hari-hari mata kau berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa kau penuh. dan aku tak harap pun orang lain ada bakat sama nak baca aku.

pernah aku nak something jadi dalam hidup dorang so hidup kitorang sama. bukan aku sorang je ada rahsia. bukan aku sorang je rasa. kau boleh cakap aku 'kecik-kecik dah jahat'. atau kau boleh cakap aku 'jahil sebab tak cukup matang.' terpulang. yang pasti aku tak macam tu lagi sekarang.

mungkin sebab aku sedar. sebahagia mana pun dorang, kitorang tetap gembira berkawan. sampai sekarang :)

berkawan ni tak perlu cerita hidup sama. boleh berbeza, asalkan terima. boleh bagai langit dengan bumi, asalkan mengerti. boleh bercerita, kalau percaya. boleh memendam, kalau kita faham - faham yang dorang takkan faham. tak perlulah kau yang taknak cerita kat orang, pastu kau kata orang tak tahu kisah hidup kau lah, orang tak memahami emosi yang tersembunyilah, orang tak membaca duka di sebalik tawalah, apa lah. jangan nak jadi mangsa sangat lah weh.

nak orang faham? cerita.

rasa orang tak faham? diam.

kan senang.

aku takdelah pulak memangsakan diri dulu, sebab aku tau aku yang pilih jadi macam tu. aku yang pilih untuk mata berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa aku penuh. takde makna nak pakai t-shirt jiwa kosong bagai.

some people prefer to hide their pain, deny their problems. i do too. but what's the point if you'll bring it up later? blame others for not knowing? make them feel as if they're useless? or are you just being attention-seeking? praising yourself for smiling and laughing all the time despite it all? what do you want?

secrecy? or sympathy?

aku jugak rasa aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang faham aku. kriteria? sama seperti di atas. kawan? setakat luar rumah. kawen? setiap penjuru rumah aku dia kena tau. jadi kriteria kena lagi strict sikit. kalau rumah aku bocor kat bumbung, bumbung dia kena bocor sama. kalau tiang rumah aku retak, tiang dia kena retak juga. contohnya. simboliknya.

aku rasa aku takleh kahwin dengan orang yang hidup dia bahagia, yang keluarga sempurna.

kawan aku tak pernah tau setiap penjuru rumah aku. tapi laki aku nanti, dia kena tau. dan masa tu, takde ceruk yang aku boleh sembunyi. melainkan syiling yang bocor dan tiang yang retak dengan ajaibnya baiki sendiri. masa tu kau nak intai setiap lubang pun takpe, bang.

contohnya. simboliknya.

kalau rumah dia kukuh serba serbi, macam mana dia nak duduk dalam rumah aku yang boleh runtuh ni? aku kena cari orang yang rumah pernah hancur jugak. yang walaupun dah dibina balik, masih rapuh. kalau tak, dia akan rindu rumah dia yang kukuh. dia takkan nak duduk sebumbung dengan aku.

sebab dia tak biasa. dia tak faham. dia tak rasa.

mengeluh.

dan aku fikir pasal semua ni masa aku sekolah rendah, hahah.

pernah tengok cerita Closer? aku sarankan korang tengok, tapi aku tak sarankan korang download. maka berharaplah tv yang berpenapis akan tunjuk cerita ni. takut kalau korang tengok versi tak ditapis, aku pulak berdosa kang hahaha. but it's a really good movie, dialogue wise. cerita simple, plot wise. tapi complicated tahap dewa, human wise. sebab manusia ni complicated bebenar. jap, perasaan yang buat manusia complicated sebenarnya. tak kisahlah suka ke, nafsu ke, cinta ke. sama je.

the dialogue is really something. it's a movie which moves you with words, not actions.

eniwaiz, ada satu scene ni bila si lelaki cakap kepada si perempuan "you deserve to be happy."

memula aku cam "hekeleh bro, dia dah taknak kat kau, dah ah. dia nak kat laki tu. dia happy ngan laki tu, so? kau pulak bajet yang dia lagi happy dengan kau tapi dia rasa dia tak layak untuk happy sebab tu dia pilih laki tu, EL O EL."

tapi kemudian ada scene lain masa si lelaki bercakap dengan laki tu pasal si perempuan. laki tu minta si lelaki lepaskan si perempuan, bagi kat dia la kira ni. amboi si perempuan pun, kau ingat kau apa? bola nak di pass pass? 

laki tu: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.

si lelaki: She doesn't want to be happy.

laki tu: Everybody wants to be happy.

si lelaki: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

apa yang si lelaki cakap buat aku macam.... pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch.

sebab aku rasa aku faham maksud dia.

aku cakap aku pernah depresi kan. aku tak main-main bila aku cakap camtu. aku taktaulah aku kategori clinical-psychologically-diagnosed depression, atau childish-tantrums-and-later-teenagers-hormonal-imbalance-overdramatized-as-depression depression. tapi aku depresi la.

bila makin besar, walaupun dah tak depresi, aku rasa depresi is a part of me. bila ada survey "anda pernah depresi?" aku tanda ya. bila baca pasal orang depresi, aku rasa aku memahami. bila cek tanda-tanda depresi, jari aku yang mengira tunjuk aku ada banyak tanda tu - dulu. maybe i was not clinically diagnosed, but i knew, and i know, it was some kind of depression. i even wished i could see a psychologist. it's partly why I want to be a psychologist. what else could it be? don't tell me i overdramatized things, it's like you're telling a cancer patient "oh, it's just a mutant cell." even if i did, i had pretty good reasons to do that.

sooo. the point here is: after i was no longer depressed, as si lelaki said, i wanted to be unhappy to confirm i was depressed. if i was happy i couldn't be depressed anymore. and if i wasn't depressed, i wasn't being me. depression or whatever it was was a part of me. other people had other things, and i had depression to make me me. to make me different. to make me a somebody. somebody with a story. geddit?

maybe i was used to it. i thought if i was not depressed, i would not live my life like i was supposed to live it - depressed - like i once did. so i shouldn't be happy. i had to have a reason to be depressed. 

it's a pretty messed up idea isn't it?

nak cakap bodoh pun, tu aku jugak, dulu. dan ramai lagi, sekarang ni.

depression is usually destructive, sometimes it can be constructive, but above all - addictive. just like drugs.

sebab tu ke aku nak kahwin dengan orang yang bermasalah? entah. tapi aku rasa lebihnya sebab aku nak dia faham aku, tu je. someone who won't judge my life even though it can be judged. orang yang aku boleh percaya. someone i can show the dark side of my life to. orang yang terima aku. someone who can befriend my inner demons. kalau dia tak macam aku, macam mana dia nak jadi semua tu? aku nak orang yang boleh sayang aku walaupun aku serabut. someone who can love not only me, but my house, my rooftop, my life, at its worst.

true love, a cupid whispers. 

el o el.

antara ending scene movie tu tunjuk si perempuan dengan si lelaki, tapi si perempuan nampak tak happy. dia yang pilih untuk jadi tak happy. dan dia happy jadi tak happy. sebab dia rasa dia jadi diri dia sendiri.

messed up but i geddit.

i want to be happy. maybe, i was her. but not anymore. i deserve to be happy. well if you look at me, maybe i don't deserve it. but my life says i do. i do, after everything.

baru baru ni aku terbaca something yang lain, yang buat aku  pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch jugak.

Why people self-sabotage their happiness.

- I found out they represent a truly important psychological theory—one which clearly explains how and why sometimes a person’s comfort zone might actually be to stay in discomfort.

- Basically, you grew up in your childhood learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of happiness. Maybe you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only seventy-five percent. Or seventeen percent. When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel twitchy, because this new zone feels so unfamiliar. As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your “masochistic equilibrium.” Or, as mentioned above, you might simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the “masochistic equilibrium” you grew up with.

- Find examples of consistently happy, loving couples, and truly happy people. Spend as much time as possible with them so you can start to shift your belief system to what “normal love” and “normal happiness” are. Over time, you will begin to view highly positive situations as examples for your new normal. The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your “masochistic equilibrium.”

- Finally, there’s an added sneaky reason why painful patterns form: a theory à la Carl Jung. He believed that our lives need meaning and purpose. If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing.  Jung’s name for these patterns of “enterpaining” situations was “low-level spiritual quests.”

you have no idea how it really makes sense to me. how what i copied and pasted here feels really relatable. like when i read it for the first time i nodded my head enthusiastically with wide open eyes and dropped jaws, unable to mouth the words "u feel me!", for example. if i actually have something called  masochistic equilibrium, man, ain't i effed up. i've noticed the effed-up-ness of mine for quite a long time but to have a psychological theory found about it, makes me feel like ooohkaay, i'm officially effed up.

aku memang nak kahwin dengan orang yang rumah dia bocor retak sini sana bukan je sebab aku rasa dia takkan selesa duduk dekat rumah aku kalau rumah dia sempurna, tapi sebab aku rasa aku pun takkan selesa duduk kat rumah sesempurna rumah dia.

bayangkan keluarga ipar macam main kad "one happy family at home!"

aku rasa aku akan flip kad tu.

sebab "this new zone feels so unfamiliar." oleh itu aku "might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your masochistic equilibrium." atau dalam hal lelaki idaman ni, aku "simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the masochistic equilibrium you grew up with.” 

PUFFF KE BABABOMM. MIND BLOWN.

masa form 5 ada kisah yang agak mengemokan aku. kengkadang aku lagi nak rasa emo tu. aku dengar lagu sedih ulang ulang, seksa diri memalam rasa wah zaman remajaku dramatik. lol. bak kata John Green, "that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." tu satu. dua, sebab teori ni juga. "If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing." sebab kita rasa at least hidup kita ada something, sebab bila rasa sakit, kita rasa kita hidup. kita ada hidup. tak macam orang yang memalam ulang-ulang buat add math je lolol (dan sebab ini lah add math kau A- je ama).

MIND BLOWN KAN?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY.

tapi tu dulu..... kot. bila aku tengok rumah lain yang memang perfect - tak perfect pun, normal - aku rasa hmmm bestnya, mana nak dapat bumbung kukuh tiang teguh ni, mana nak dapat kad happy family ni... rumah yang buat aku rasa ni bukan rumah aku, tapi aku nak rumah camni. mungkin bukan rumah sekarang, tapi rumah baru aku nanti. rumah idaman aku.

sebab "The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your masochistic equilibrium”, aku rasa aku berhak dapat rumah yang sama sempurna.

jadi tu dulu...... kot. sekarang aku takde dah masochistic equilibrium ni.

cuma kengkadang, terkeluarla jugak ayat "macam mana aku nak kahwin kalau macam ni?"

last time: minggu ni.

aku mungkin nampak macam suka je bab bab kahwin ni, tapi aku rasa sangat susah untuk aku kahwin sebenarnya. berangan? boleh. nak? mesti. tapi bebetul bina rumah sendiri? susah. apa tah lagi kalau rumah tu setiap penjuru berhantu. entahlah.

satu lagi sebab kenapa aku rasa aku macam ni, "because i'm a writer."

as Kurt Cobain once said, "thank you for the tragedy. i need it for my art."

as Gwendolyn Brooks once said, "writing is a delicious agony."

as Natalie Goldberh once said, "Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can’t forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released."

and as my old, best friend said, “I need to be sad. I’m a writer."

aku tak pernah cerita pasal ni dekat sesiapa. pasal semua ni. tapi aku pernah tunjuk dekat kawan aku, bahagian mana yang retak yang bocor tu. tu pun tak tunjuk semua, sikit je. dia cakap something yang aku takkan lupa sampai bila-bila. dia cakap... dia terkejut aku even terfikir untuk kahwin pun. she would expect me to like, be traumatized or lose faith or something.

little did she know, i had lose faith, once too many times - as i keep having it back again.

because how could i lose faith in Him?

in true love?

el o el.

at the same time, i had and still have, this fairy tale fantasy that a prince on a white horse will be my knight in shining armour and rescue me in my dungeon and carry me to his castle in the clouds which bricks are in the shape of love, which ceiling is carved with happy ending and which every pillar stands with perfection.

"I think we seek out people who we hope will fix what our childhood broke." - Yasmin Mogahed.

and i want someone who's broken too, so he needs me to fix him.

my life, as always, is an irony.

but over the years, i've learnt that from a dungeon to a mountain, i am my own hero.

but who doesn't want to live in the castle in the clouds right?

Today I'm 19 But It's Just Another Day

it was only the first two hours of my birthday, yet my red eyes and wet cheeks gave me away.

16 years ago

it all started when i saw this picture. i said, "i'm 19 now, babah. but i'll always be your little girl."

and all dams break loose.

dan dan masa tu pulaklaa playlist nak sabotaj aku kan. tetiba je lagu Christina Perri, The Lonely.

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

so much have changed, i have changed, life has changed, but this is what makes me who i am.

i flipped through the old albums as i sat beside my bed. the first album of my existence, i was only 3 days old. there were pictures of mama in her pantang mode holding me, wrapping me in blanket like a burrito, caressing me to sleep, rocking me gently... she was wearing socks, kain batik, hair all tied up. there were pictures of babah looking down at me in bakul baby when i was a few days old, holding me as i sat on his lap when i was a couple of months older - we were both topless, him in kain pelikat and me in my baby pants and mittens, we looked alike but my hair was sticking up and i was fat - probably my favourite photo with him.

at first there were tears of sadness, and then there were tears of gladness. i'm sad that you're not here. but i'm glad to be your daughter. it is a privilege to be your only daughter, babah.

i will keep you alive in me. i have your genes. i want to have your generosity, your kindness, your humility, your goodness. i will keep you alive, by leading a good life. insyaallah babah.

i stared at the pictures, and i know you loved me. you loved me so, so, so much. i can see it in your motionless eyes. i can see it in your still smile. you prayed for me. you wanted me. you got me. but our time was short. i was sad, but then i was glad, because i understood. i asked Him to send my regards to you, to tell you i'm now 19, and that i miss you and i love you.

mama, i will make this family live again. i will make you proud of me, as a woman. i will not let you down. i will make them say that waiting for me, was worth it. that i was worth the wait. that i was not a trouble at your age, i was not a nuisance intervened by fate. i will make them regret what they have said. i don't ask for more, you're my every year only birthday wish.

i stared at the pictures, and i know what you sacrifice for me. i know what you wish me to be. you don't ask much. but i know you only hope i'll be a decent daughter. insyaallah mama.

i love you so much mama. as how i texted you on your birthday, i love you 150 juta kali lagi besar daripada seluruh alam, lebih daripada orang lain sayang mak dorang because i only have you and you are my everything - my bapak, my best friend, my tukang masak. but now i'm trying to place you second after Allah, because i know what i love most will be the reason of my worst pain.

tah pape kan.

beday pun nak emo. takpe, setahun dua tiga kali je aku emo benda camni. Nabi pun kata takpe mata menangis, takpe hati sedih, asalkan mulut tak mengeluarkan kata-kata yang boleh buat Allah murka. i don't blame fate but i blame people who can't cope with fate. tapi ada sebab ketiga aku emo tengah malam semalam... sebab yang tak patut. yang buat aku malu. aku dah sedih pasal bapak aku, lepas dah habis sedih pasal tu boleh pulak aku sedih pasal ni? amaaa, amaaa. stop it ama.

i recited Al-fatihah for three people last night.

oh well. it has been two weeks. i made it. it's my birthday, so i deserve a self-treat :)

birthdays have never been big in my family. wait, rephrase: birthdays have never been big in my family since babah's gone. it just means i'm officially one year older. so honestly i don't care at all, i'm used to it. the era of presents and birthday cakes and happy birthday choruses is long gone now, with him. all i wish for is mama.

but if my big family wants to have a gathering and a dinner together, thank you then. everyone was present. yesterday we only had a small feast at home partly because it's easier that way with all my nephews and nieces scattered around the house. bila la korang nak besar ni. kalau dah besar pun tambah lagi. aku dengan mama potong kek pakai baju tido je, sungguh tak glemer. haha

my birthday no longer feels like a birthday, and i'm okay :)

15 years ago

while eating silently last night i tried not to think about what could have been if only babah was here.

but today, that's all i am reminded about.

lepas bangun, turun bawah pergi dapur cari maa. maa cakap "panjang kan beday wish mama message." nak kalahkan aku la tu sebab aku message dia sampai 6 page. kalau mak aku tak nangis baca aku taktaula, tapi dia tu memang keras macam laki sikit. text mama untuk aku tak sepanjang tu, tapi nampaklah effort dia untuk orang yang malas taip, dahlah bm baku macam novel pulak tu. siap ada pesanan pasal jodoh, amboi ma dah tak sabar ke (padahal yang tak sabarnya sapeee pesanan lain ada tapi ini jugak nak dihighlightnyaaa). ma kata aku kena ada ciri2 yang baik yang aku nak laki aku ada nanti. sebab "mereka akan memilih pasangan yang baik untuk mendampingi mereka seumur hidup. macam babah pilih mama hehe!" 

HAHAHHAHAHA K MAAAAA.

pastu ma peluk cium. "kesiannn." lol ma. 

beberapa jam kemudian baru abang-abang aku sedar kot sekarang dah siang, baru wish aku macam tak breakfast semeja pulak sebelum tu -_-"

abang 1: message semalam lepas dia dah balik rumah dia. aku tak reply lagi sebab takde kredit hahaha

abang 2: "eh, hepi beday yu. jimat kredit aku 1 sen tahun ni takyah message kau."

abang 3: "eh, hepi beday. biasa kalau jauh aku message awal-awal, ni dah dekat lupa pulak nak wish heheh."

abang 4: "hepi beday yu! kesiannn."

"kenapa semua orang kesian kat ayu ni maaa urgh."

"sebab semua tau kalau babah ada camne."

ok la kesian la T_T

aku tak suka kesiankan diri sendiri. dan aku tak suka orang kesiankan aku. aku bukan blog pasal ni sebab nak minta simpati. kalau korang nak simpati bagai aku rembat korang keluar dari sini *hayun penyapu*

tapi aku kesiankan mama aku. dia cerita pasal birthday dia. aku nangis. sebab aku marah, kecewa, sedih. masa tu kat meja makan kat dining room, jadi tersorok la sikit sebab orang lain semua dekat bahagian lain rumah. masa tu semua orang dah habis makan, aku lepak dua orang je ngan mama cecite rahsia. mak aku rilek je, aku lak emo (cam biasa). bila orang lalu aku baring atas kerusi menyorok belakang meja. 

"maa, ayu selalu duduk bawah meja ni dulu kan ma."

"haah, suka menyorok."

"haah."

"merajuk pun kat situ. mengada."

"tapi takde sapa nak pujuk. last-last ayu yang keluar sendiri sebab peluh-peluh. dah besar sikit merajuk dalam bilik, tu pun ayu yang turun sendiri tengah malam sebab lapar, tapi mama dah simpan makanan"

"hahahah"

pastu sambung lagi nangis dalam bilik mama pulak. masuk bilik tengok mama tengah solat Dhuha. habis salam je terus baring kat peha mama. tapi tak cakap pape.

i'm 19 now, mama. but i'll always be your daughter whose tears wet your lap.

aku tanya mama "sakit tak beranak?" soalan tak boleh blah. mama pun cerita, baru dengar dah ngilu rasa. thank you, mama. i never ask for anything because i am the one who should give you something. you already gave birth to me :')

"kesian mama, sakit beranak. tak dapat pape pun. takpe ma, nanti ayu belajar.... esok... minggu depan" sempat lagi tu.

"ma, kalau babah ada ma rasa ayu manja tak? manja yang mengada. yang mintak macam-macam."

"tak kot, sebab dorang dulu pun tak macam tu. babah yang kasi."

:)

aku tanya sebab sekarang walaupun beday aku harini, aku rasa cukup ada mak aku, macam hari biasa. aku tak nak pape dah. tapi kalau ada babah? tah-tah aku nak beday bash bagai. tapi aku dulu kecik-kecik pun dah segan kalau babah buat pape untuk hari jadi. taktaulah besar camne kalau babah ada lagi. mungkin masih segan sebab memang dah camtu genetik kami, atau mungkin aku dah jadi anak perempuan manja yang mintak semuanya dan dapat apa saje.

"bah, nak kereta?"

"laa kan babah dah bagi last year?"

"nak lagi satu?"

errrrr. 

i got my first car when i was three. kau ada?!

i know how life can get bitter. but i also know how life can get better. i know how life can change from good to bad and bad to good. and i know how it all can happen at the same time, pushing you up and pulling you down together. so don't say i don't know, don't say i've only seen rainbows. life is just like the world, in some places it can be sunny, in others, stormy. life can be awful, but at the same time wonderful. it all depends on how you look at it.

in these 19 years, i''ve learnt that things change. life changes and people change. i've learnt that those years when i wanted to surrender, i actually had quite a bright future. but i didn't know that. all i knew was the present which i couldn't stand. if i did give up, i would have missed all the good things. these priceless experiences, these awesome people, this new me.

i have changed quite a lot actually :)

so never give up on life, no matter how dark it seems, how trapped you feel, how bad everything is. because life, like things and people, will change. wouldn't you want to be there to witness it happens? so never give up on life, ever. for life is full of surprises!

i didn't, and o Allah please give me patience and strength and perseverance, so i won't :)

now here i am, blogging in my room, needing some peace after a night with le family and only craving the company of my mommy. it is just like any other day. except with some crying. and a delicious creme brule. and oh i'm 19! :D

thanks to my cool classmates the superb 10SS1 for singing happy birthday to me in advance hence making me awkward saying "it's not my birthday! belum lagi! lagi 3 hari!", thanks to yang kasi hadiah why are you so sweet i don't know how to pick presents for you cos i suck at it, thanks to those who wished me face to face, via text message, on facebook, through whatsapp, wish yang pendek dari hb (LOL) kepada yang panjang dan menyentuh perasaan ah you know how i love words so much it's not hard to wish a girl who writes! thanks to kawan yang dah lama tak contact yang aku taktau pun dia tau beday aku tapi ingat rupanya (kfine facebook notification and phone reminder kfine), kawan lama SKLK, kawan dirindui KRK, kawan diingati AB Family, kawan baru tapi disayangi INTEC, yang pernah jumpa dan tak pernah jumpa, kawan dalam Malaysia dan juga kawan di perantauan sana ;)

my birthday is just like any other day, and that's okay. but it does make a difference to know that people care. so thank you so much everyone. from two alphabets to two pages, i appreciate your wishes and prayers. some make me laugh and some cause tears, some even make me speechless and i'm lost for words.

may Allah bless you always.

thank you.

thank You, Allah.
i'm 19 today, yeay! :D

Save Yourself, You Don't Know Enough

"but they don't even know me."

"that's why. if they know you they might not love you. that's why you can fancy many but love only one person."

"itulah. when they know me they'll be like 'oh kau camni rupanya.' korang pun camtu. i get that, you know."

"so what's wrong with 'oh kau camni rupanya?' apa masalahnya?"

"tah, suka hati aku lah kan nak jadi camne pun."

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then you don't know me enough, said a girl who doesn't let anybody close enough to really know her just so they can have a reason to click the 'unlike' button.

i think if you really know someone, you can like them. or love them. or fall in love with them. with their insecurities, scars, histories, dramas. i think everyone can be this lucky, as long as they let people know who they are. as long as who they are, is them the honest and purest. as long as who you are, is not unpaid prejudice judges. i've discovered souls who are vulnerable in their writings, and the more i read, the more i fall deep. even if we never meet.

then you don't know me enough, she repeated.

sometimes i think i would fall in love with myself. sometimes i think why would i?

---------------------------------------------------------

a scene in Desperate Housewives which i remember the most is when Carlos who was blind atm, asked Gaby:

Carlos: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?
Gaby: First time you saw me on the runway.
Carlos: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.
Gaby: Mmm. I remember that place.
Carlos: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear for the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.
Gaby: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?
Carlos: No. When?
Gaby: About two seconds ago. Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

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you see me when i look good. when i just powder my shiny nose, apply some fish scale on my lips so i don't look pale. when i iron my cloth, straighten my skirt, and glide with a matching veil. when i eat chips like i'm at the same table with the Queen. when i smile and laugh, when behind this feminine upfront i'm tough.

you don't see me when i don't look good. when i just wake up from ugly sleep, get up from a day in bed cos i'm lazy like that. when i don't care about what i wear, have bad tudung day, and look fat. when i eat like a guy, smudge my face, chili in my teeth. when i cry and frown, when this wall comes crumbling down.

you don't see me when i'm not good. when flaws overflow my frame. when sins shade my silhouette.
when  imperfections ink my name.

ironically, i love myself. i don't need anybody to tell me they don't love me enough or hate me enough to make me doubt my self-appreciation, self-worth, self-acceptance.

---------------------------------------------------------

people say they want someone to love them like Snape loved Lily. i used to say that too.

but now i know, who would want that? it's bad enough to hurt someone for a second, let alone for his lifetime, even after you marry somebody else, bear a child, and die. you may think it's sweet, but it's bitter. you may think it's true love, but it's torture.

don't wish someone will love you like Snape loved Lily, if you're gonna marry a James and have a Harry.

you'd think it's nice to feel loved cos they say it's better to be loved than to love.

in reality neither is better than the other if both don't go together.

-------------------------------------------------------

people believe in time for many reasons. i do, too. but today i'm only going to talk about one reason.

i believe in time because i believe time makes people forget. time cures pain. time heals broken hearts. time makes people whole again. i'm sorry, i can not. but time can.

if you say you can't forget, is it because you can't, or you won't? it is different, you know. have you tried at all? have you really, really, really tried? or you don't want to forget, because you believe time will make it right? but what time hides, is not within your eyesight, it is in fact beyond your might. so please, let it go.

don't say i don't understand. i do.

if you want to forget, try not to even think about forgetting it. if it crosses your mind, don't let it occupy even one cell of your brain. put your poker face on - no he can't read my poker face, she's gotta love nobody. don't hide behind the mask, but make the mask reveal the new you. wipe the tear, calm the fear, get over it, don't dwell longer. dare it to peek through the hole in your heart, but let it know it can't get inside. fill the void with Allah. hasbi rabbi jallallah, convince your aql, ma fi qalbi ghairullah, until it sinks in your qalb. let zikr dance between your lips, your eyes sway on Quranic verses so you have no time to think and talk about it. beg Allah to make it easy, for He's your heart's true owner, your heart which you hand to a servant who can't hold it just as dear. hold on to your iman, have faith. unfortunately, only Allah knows. fortunately, Allah knows best. challenge yourself for a week or two, and say "challenge accepted!" the way Barney'd do. after the mission is accomplished, let it in, and see if it has changed you. if it still triggers your brain and tears your heart, then do it again, and again, and again.

until one day, it will fade away. if YOU want it to.

don't say i don't know. i do.

there are things we have to fight alone, inside. a silent battle in our heart. our own kind of jihad.

you believe in time for a reason. i do, too. but in this case my reason is different.

please save yourself the torment.

SPM Result: Today Last Year

210312.

today last year.

i still remember waking up in the middle of the night, lying in the dark as shadows of worst case scenarios crept over me. what if my name wouldn't be called? i didn't want to go to school. but it wouldn't change the fact that my name, still was not called. people would talk about that, the candidate didn't go to school to receive the slip and didn't get what the candidate was expected to get. but wouldn't it be more embarrassing if they expected me to go on the stage but i remained seated? trying to keep a cool face and clapping for those who did get on the stage when i was crying inside and wishing i could just evaporate?

today last year.

i woke up after not having enough sleep. my stomach twisted and turned, i could just vomit. praying for the best but preparing for the worst every minute. asking God if it's too late to change the result, please change my reaction so i could accept it with an open heart. i kept calm and had faith. He knows best, i repeated under my breath. i could stop myself from thinking about this day before, but i could not not think about this day today. today had arrived. the day to value the 11 years of schooling which i had survived.

today last year.

going to school, greeted my friends and teachers. everyone was anxious, they said i shouldn't be nervous. little did they know, their expectations made me so. worried i hold hands with my friends, worried i made jokes to diffuse the tension, worried i hold my breath each approaching second. eyes shut when the names were called, lips smiled when i clapped for them all. it's time for the best student of the year to be announced. eyes shut as i hold my breath for the last time, lips smiled as i opened my eyelids, hands cupped on my mouth, Alhamdulillah ya Allah...

today last year.

i got up as hands patted on my back, rubbed my head. their applause fell into the background as i walked to my mom and hugged the woman who had always been there, always, the only one who always had, on the day i got on stage for UPSR result, PMR result, and now, SPM result. i received the slip of my school years, the hamper of my life experiences, as the number of A's was not the amount of revision hours, but more than that, always, always more than that.

today last year.

my friends cried. my friends i loved, my friends i hold dear. my friends who always believed in me, always supported me when some 'friends' did not. my friends who said "I knew you'd make it", who said "always been rooting for you". i locked them in my embrace, whispering useless words of comfort, as i too, began to tear up on their shoulder. "don't cry," i consoled, but who was i to understand them. i sent them a concern message, constructing cliche sentences and i hated myself for that. "don't do stupid things," i pleaded, but who was i to understand them. i couldn't be happy alone, even when they claimed they were happy for me. it was sad, when they had to say "i'm sorry," to me because for themselves, they couldn't be happy.

today last year.

i didn't feel proud, but i felt a huge relief. i didn't feel like i was on top of the world, but life felt like a miracle. i didn't think or talk highly of myself, but this blessing brought me to my knees. i didn't deserve it, but Allah's endless mercy and love made it possible. i was praised to the sky, but it kept my feet on the ground. knowing i didn't deserve something but still got it, was enough to show i got it from Allah, and therefore made me feel how i was nothing but a powerless servant and pushed me to become a better servant because He could take it all back as easily as He gave me. i felt like my heart had no tangled veins and my mind had no knotted mess. i felt so full of happiness yet so empty because nothing worried me. the world's my oyster, the door's wide open, i was going places, it's not everyday when i had this confidence.

today last year. 

i got the golden ticket to ride a train to my dream. Alhamdulillah. but as soon as i boarded the train, i was told to tear it and throw it away. i know it has no worth after i took my seat but it's not just a ticket to me. it's a memory. a pat on the back. a motivation for my future. a part of me. proof that SPM result is just a ticket if you don't put any value in it. those who didn't get straight A's last year, are now in college/uni just like those who did and are working for yet another ticket. once you're where we are, nobody cares how you got here. so fret not if it's not gold. if you got straight A's, congrats! if you didn't, congrats still! la tahzan, life's a spinning wheel. jangan bangga, jangan kecewa. Allah yang kasi, Allah boleh tarik balik, Allah boleh kasi lebih lagi. after all, it is indeed, just a ticket. other tickets await ;)

today last year.

i bought myself a train ticket with efforts i didn't think enough to pay for it, with work not hard enough to get paid off. yet, a year later, here i am, in my second semester at INTEC, doing A-level in Psychology, on my journey. the railway is bumpy but outside the window i marvel at the beautiful scenery and i am sure the destination itself is a wonder. a wonder i have been dreaming of since i was a little girl, a wonder i have been going after for years, a wonder i so treasure.

today last year.

is a day i will always remember :)

Of Studies and Scholarship: Shit Just Got Real

Tadi ada meeting dengan sugar daddy aku: JPA.

oklah fine sugar daddy semua scholar JPA-MARA. yakni dak A-Level kat INTEC ni la. kitorang bawah JPA je sebenarnya, tapi masa apply MARA yang uruskan, after dah dapat offer fulusnya diuruskan oleh JPA pula. sebab tu JPA-MARA ok. dan adalah sebab lain juga yang private and confidential :3

i made this meme haha, inspired by a speech by madam rita ;)

"today a-level students were told that we are paid to study. that is something you don't hear everyday. we pay to study is normal, but we are paid to study is unusual. i never thought of it that way. with the sponsored fees, allowances, etc... kena sedar diri ni. ini namanya terhutang budi. kena... study. lulz B')" - 311212

masa tau ada meeting: semua hepi sebab kelas cancel yeay!

masa tau pas meeting kena masuk dalam group pulak jumpa pegawai JPA: semua mula saspen.

masa tau nama aku takde dalam senarai group sebab aku lepas cut-off point: free time yeay!

masa tau kengkawan down lepas jumpa pegawai JPA: aku pun down sama.

sebab ada ura-ura mengatakan bahawa kalau tak lepas certain point sem 2 ni, the scholarship will be terminated straightaway. do you understand the seriousness of the situation here. bukan tak lepas sem 4 tau, maksudnya external A-Level exam yang paper dari UK tu, tapi sem 2 ni, internal A-Level exam paper dari, well, INTEC. terus dihantar balik kampung. pastu nak buat apa? sedangkan A-Level penuh yang kita habiskan masa 2 tahun buat pun agak takde harga kat majoriti IPTA, kalau nak IPTS pulak kena bayar sendiri dengan harga tinggi kalau dah tak ditaja baik masuk asasi dari awal je, ni kan pulak A-Level separuh jalan yang sah-sah takde harga di mana-mana. nak mula balik guna result SPM, compete dengan juniors sendiri for foundation placement walhal rakan sebaya semua dah masuk degree? 

shit just got real man.

sampai sorang kawan aku ni, cakap kat aku "Ama kalau ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi next sem."

aku pulak yang sedih.

bayangkan dorang. down gila.

sampai aku terus tak risau pasal pointer sendiri walaupun diri sendiri pun tak stabil lagi. bebila masa boleh jatuh ke paras bahaya. tapi risau sebab fikir pasal kawan-kawan. ya Allah permudahkanlah.

"kalau harini JPA nak terminate scholarship kamu, 159 orang je yang dapat sambung sem depan" - Encik JPA (bukan ayat sebenar (tapi lebih kurang la))

JPA just wants to push us to our maximum potential. bak kata Encik JPA "honeymoon bukan dekat sini, bukan dekat UK/US nanti, tapi lagi 6 tahun lepas dah habis degree" (eh tapi saya memang nak kahwin kalau boleh (sabar) 6 tahun lagi, memang honeymoon pun pastu hehehe OK FOCUS AMA THIS IS SERIUS).

JPA buat camni untuk kebaikan kita jugak kan? cuma... :'(

moga Allah permudahkan perjalanan kita.

memula masa dalam dewan dengar talk from Encik JPA tu pun aku dah dup dap sikit sebab time tu just tau yang kalau tak lepas cut off point habis A-Level nanti the scholarship will be terminated, taktau lagi pasal termination is possible this sem. padahal dulu kalau tak lepas, dorang hantar fly dekat-dekat je... atau sponsor sambung kat local IPTS... er ok la tu kan. now, tamat terus hubungan dengan sugar daddy.

our batch is the experimental batch. kitorang batch pertama yang medic tak disponsor langsung. sebaliknya JPA sponsor course lain macam architecture, accounting, termasuk bidang yang baru nak bertatih di Malaysia ini iaitu Psikologi (bertatih perghhh! (TQ JPA FOR SUPPORTING US!))

batch kitorang yang paling ramai rasanya. dan paling pelbagai. dan juga batch yang ada lagi satu policy baru: JPA akan terus sponsor sampai degree if and only if kitorang dapat masuk uni top 50. top 50 around the world bak hang! kau ingat senang?! yang boleh apply US/UK je masalahnya. jadi walaupun banyak jugak option dalam ranking 50 tu, tapi kemungkinan nak dapat placement tu... dengan semua top uni, dengan satu dunia nak compete lagi... Allah, agak susah.

pastu lagi satu masa talk tadi dia tunjuk prestasi kitorang last sem. dia bukan tunjuk je berapa ramai lepas cut off point, berapa ramai tak lepas. tapi dia tunjuk sekali result SPM kat situ. dorang cam saje je nak cakap "hah, dulu kau boleh dapat straight A, kenapa sekarang kau tak pass pun?" contoh k, contoh.

dia tunjuk camni. bagi setiap kategori keputusan: 12-15 point, 8-11 point, and so on, akan ada max SPM and min SPM. nak tunjuklaa dalam setiap kategori dulu SPM paling highest berapa, SPM paling lowest berapa. untuk 12-15, max SPM 7 A+, 2 A. aku taktaulah ni average ke apa, sebab takkanlah takde straight A+, 8 A+ kot kan? mungkin average untuk highest kot. tah lah.

pape pun, ya, max SPM 7 A+, 2 A untuk 12-15.

bila aku tengok tu, aku cam.....

rasa sesuatu.

JPA ni saje je ke nak tunjuk yang dulu aku boleh dapat max SPM, tapi sekarang takleh dapat max point?

ya, pass. tapi bukan max.

anda harus tahu.

aku kat sini dikelilingi oleh overachievers yang kengkadang buat aku rasa takde harga diri. hahaha emo gila, patutlah jadi Ama Emo (sila rujuk post lepas). overachievers yang hari-hari study, sakit pun study, pagi raya pun study siap kena marah lagi sebab asyik study je (omg that would never happen to me, aku kena marah sebab dah exam pun tak study - tu pun kena marah dengan kawan cos ma mom is a cool mom).

anda harus tahu yang aku tak dilahirkan dalam keluarga begitu, tak dibesarkan dalam keadaan begitu, tak dibiasakan dengan kelompok begitu. masuk sini terus stress. aku tak study, tengok orang study pun aku dah stress. untuk hilangkan stress aku kena tak study. hah habis tu dah pe cer kan?

mana tak rasa takde harga diri doh. mana tak down bai.

like i'm not enough. like i'm inadequate. like i'm nothing.

emo lagi.

but i am pun, sigh deeply.

aku dikelilingi oleh overachievers yang pelik kalau dia rasa malas. padahal aku pelik kalau aku rasa rajin.

ini baru namanya culture shock. yang Amalina Che Bakri 17 A1 tu bukan culture shock, sebab maksud culture shock sebenar ialah inability to adapt to new surrounding. aku ni baru Amalina culture shock.

satu benda aku suka pasal tempat baru ialah takde sape kenal aku. takde expectation. takde reputation. takde apa. takde. takde jangkaan guru-guru yang membebankan tapi memang baik, takde sangkaan kawan-kawan yang menolak aku ke depan tapi ada yang buruk. kalau kau baca blog aku sejak dulu, kau taulah camne aku terseksa jiwa raga duduk kat sekolah aku dulu.

satu benda aku suka pasal INTEC ialah semua orang kat sini berupaya. jadi aku bukan siapa-siapa. sebab akan ada yang lebih terer. sebab semua orang ada potensi masing-masing. sekejap aku atas kau, esok kau atas aku, lusa dia atas kita, tulat kita atas sama-sama. takde sape nak bising kalau aku tak kat atas lagi dah. tenang tau tak, tenang.

dulu kat SMKLK aku selalu kata aku taknak sekolah situ dah, aku nak pindah.

bila aku tak pindah memana, aku kata aku tak sabar nak habis sekolah, nak blah, nak pergi tempat baru.

Alhamdulillah, here i am today. my dream prep college, my dream course, on my way to my dream place.

and i got another thing i asked for; i am a nobody.

it's just a memory

(my family and i don't practice the habit of showing off our achievements in the middle of our living room,

my bedroom alone is enough for me to sometimes look at it and feel worth it awww)

(this is embarrassing but it's my blog so yeaaaaah)

(omg you're judging me now aren't ya)

(not that i care....)

(yeaaaah...)

i was overestimated and expected of many things for five years so can i now be like underestimated so i don't have to do anything... sounds legit?

tbh, sometimes it feels weird. to not be the target. to not be the reason for them to clap. to not be the candidate whose every step is observed by those who wish you well, and those who wish you fall. to be nobody. to be just another random student, just another name squeezed in the list. of course after five years of the opposite, it will feel weird.

but tbh, it feels good. nobody expects anything from me anymore. lecturers don't ask for my opinions, like teachers did when i didn't even know what she was teaching us about, i was busy gossiping with my classmates. friends don't always turn to me with questions, like my school friends always did when i didn't even know the answer prompting me to say "i'm not Google or a walking encyclopedia," because when they found out i didn't know, they'd say "Ama tak tau??" like i should know every single thing in the world. fellow students don't think of me as a competitor, and walk pass me saying sarcastic and cynical stuffs as if i long for their compliments and well wishes when we both know they weren't that honest, like a few of them used to do two years ago. after five years of yearning to be free, of course it will feel good.

so yeah, i guess it's all good.

cuma.

aku mula push diri aku dulu untuk study, walaupun last minute, walaupun sampai mabuk kopi, sebab orang. sebab jangkaan, mulut, harapan orang. sejak aku keluar MRSM form 1 dulu, masa nak final exam form 1, orang mula cakap "dak MRSM mesti score punya", "mesti kau yang dapat nombor 1 kan kalini", "takkan laa dak MRSM dapat teruk kot". bila aku dah dapat sekali, dorang akan cakap lagi "mesti kau top lagi laa". kau tau tak benda tu membebankan? tapi ya, menolak aku ke depan.

aku sakit hati, tapi tu yang buat aku study. dorang cakap, sebab tu aku buat.

nak fikir jangkaan diri sendiri je yang tak jangka tinggi mana pun sebenarnya? nak fikir harapan keluarga je yang terima aku seadanya asalkan tak teruk sampai conteng arang di muka? memang sampai bila pun aku tak mimpi nak kejar nombor 1, nak kejar anugerah pelajar terbaik, mata pelajaran terbaik bagai. takde.

jadi, benarlah ye. semua perkara ada hikmahnya. walaupun perkara tu pahit, hikmahnya manis :)

so since INTEC bukan macam SMKLK..... aku takut aku terhoneymoon tanpa sedar. aku tau aku terhoneymoon last year. nota yang aku suka buat masa sekolah dulu, aku tak buat. orang lain siap google kertas soalan extra nak jawab, aku past year question pun tak sentuh. belum lagi soalan kat buku yang tak jawab penuh. ada hati nak beli buku latihan segala? pfft. dalam kelas sehari tak tidur tak sah, camne nak fokus. balik petang tidur lagi. asal ada masa lapang tido manjang. belajar pun masa nak final je. masa final baru nak faham A sampai Z, memang tak lah kan nak dapat 15.

aku rasa aku lagi malas daripada form 5. 

tapi aku tengah cuba berubah ni, tengah. ada la nampak sikit perubahan. tapi perubahan ni cam tak dapat kejar je A-Level yang makin lama makin susah :(

tapi anda harus tahu.

aku jadi macam ni bukan sebab aku konfiden. aku tak pernah konfiden masa sekolah menengah walaupun orang cakap aku takde benda patut dicuakkan. aku tak pernah konfiden pas masuk kolej persediaan bajet aku dah terer sangat la konon dapat masuk sini. kalau kau betul-betul kenal aku, kau tau aku tak pernah konfiden. aku hanya pemalas dan penangguh kerja, tu je.

aku jugak tak menjatuhkan diri sendiri. aku takde penyakit sesetengah orang yang bila dorang konfiden, konfiden nak mati. bila down pulak, down nak mati. aku seimbang, and i like that. aku tak rasa aku layak dijulang, dan aku tak rasa aku patut dihumban ke longkang. seriously, people like this exist and they bother the heck out of me.

i mean, chill la bro sis semua. kita kena seimbang ;)

kawan aku cakap yang dia rasa dak-dak INTEC ni kira the best of the best lah, tapi dia rasa dalam ramai-ramai kitorang, dia the worst. aku cakap kat dia, so? even if you were the worst, you were the worst among the best! and it is something, you know. jangan fikir sangatlah pasal bebenda ni, jangan compare mengompare. dah masuk sini, it is already something.

kita semua sama je. memang akan ada student yang active dalam kelas, yang terer sports, yang bijak berhujah, yang bagus serba serbi. aku passive dalam kelas, walaupun aku ada benda nak cakap aku memang bukan jenis manusia yang angkat tangan and voice out my pandangan. aku haram tak reti bersukan. aku segan nak lantang bersuara. and aku langsung tak kisah.

dia dengan kelebihan dia, kita dengan kelebihan kita. mesti ada. takde, baiki diri. takleh, cari. mesti ada. mungkin bukan yang orang nampak, tapi ada. bila kita terima diri kita, baru kita takde kes konfiden nak mati pastu down nak mati pulak bila konfiden tu makan diri. kita takde sibuk nak buktikan diri kita kat sesape. sebab cukup kita tau diri kita. kita cool je dengan diri kita seadanya.

apa yang aku buat, aku cuba tak fikir sangat pasal overachievers yang buat aku rasa cam takde harga diri tu. lol. kalau kau asyik fikir pasal orang je, memang sampai mati tak habis stress. sentiasa akan ada yang lebih baik. yang penting, fikir pasal diri sendiri. fikir kalau dorang boleh, kenapa tak kau? takpe, cara kita mungkin berbeza. asalkan kita gerak sesama, sampai sesama. kau pun boleh. kengkadang memang aku stress pasal dorang. tapi aku ingatkan diri sendiri. takyah kisah. takyah. kisahkan diri sendiri je.

focus on your own journey, rather than trying to potong orang tepi.

sampai juga nanti :)

kengkadang aku rasa Allah saje biar aku rasa benda-benda yang tak enak untuk dirasa sebelum ni, so bila aku dah sampai sini, aku lebih memahami. aku faham orang di atas. aku faham orang di bawah. aku faham orang di bawah tak suka bila orang di atas merendah diri sangat, tapi bukan rendah diri pun, memang rasa diri itu rendah sebenarnya, bukan bajet humble ke apa. so sekarang baru aku faham kenapa dulu orang menyampah kat aku hahaha. aku jugak faham orang di atas tak suka bila orang di bawah insecure. bila cakap "untunglah pandai", "dak-dak straight A", "awak dah pandai dah takyah study", "apa kau nak risau kau konfem score," orang di atas tak suka. so bila aku rasa aku di bawah sekarang, aku takdelah buat perangai macam tu. menyakitkan hati tahu.

aku buat jugak kengkadang, sebab aku tau aku menyakitkan hati and aku nak korang rasa apa aku rasa dulu muahahaha.

tapi biasanya aku memahami ;)

hmmm.

i have to transform to the old me. i evolve with expectation. i bow to burden. i flee from failure rather than sail to success. i'm not gonna pull myself, so i must be pushed. people must be hard on me so i will be hard on myself. i must cry when i get a B. i must not say it's okay.

cos i want that 15 so badly.

Ama 101: Suddenly It's A Post About Me

Selama aku hidup orang dah panggil aku macam-macam. ada yang betul, so aku tak kisah. ada yang tak betul, so aku marah. ada jugak yang betul tapi aku still marah.... ("amalina gemok gedempol" oh memori pahit darjah empat) ada pulak yang buat aku "hah?" kejadah... (sambung dalam hati la tapi)

masa sekolah menengah, zaman KRK. kengkawan aku ada nama manja; Hajerah Pajero yang paling femes antara semua. nama manja aku... Ama Emo. seperti yang disave dalam contact si Pajero.

i guess i was emo. but i don't know what part of me was though.

aku rasa sebab reaction aku kot. aku punya reaction kengkadang boleh jadi over. aku tak emo mane, tapi reaction je over. contohnya "jauhlah nak jalan gi 7e. stress." aku ada habit yang aku suka overkan benda tapi orang sekeliling aku ada habit yang dorang akan percaya bila aku over. padahal aku memain je. samalah cam aku jarang merajuk. tapi aku suka bebuat merajuk, pastu bila orang pujuk aku taktau camne nak explain yang aku tak merajuk pun sebenarnya. so aku biar je dorang haha. pastu dorang pulak yang merajuk ngan aku sebab aku merajuk ngan dorang. kejadah?

aku tak reti pujuk orang

aku hanya akan pujuk bila aku tau aku betul-betul salah, atau aku taktau apa salah aku. kalau aku rasa apa aku buat tu betul, untuk kebaikan orang jugak tapi orang nak sentap, aku akan minta maaf. pastu dah. terpulang nak maafkan ke tak. aku dah rasa bersalah walaupun apa aku buat tu betul, tengok orang rasa bersalah tak biar je aku yang minta maaf ni. takde aku nak kejar nak pujuk nak menagih kemaafan kalau kau main lari-lari merajuk ngan aku. kengkadang aku pujuk la jugak, tapi kalau jual mahal lagi after one point aku akan done ngn kau pastu biar je kau. biar kau cool down dulu, bagi aku cool down sekali sebab penat tau tak nak memujuk orang ni.

aku rasa aku jarang merajuk sebab dari kecik walaupun aku anak last, aku tau yang kalau aku merajuk pun takde sape nak pujuk. takde sape nak geletek, nak belikan hadiah, bawak makanan masuk bilik. kalau aku merajuk, makin aku kena silent treatment lagi adelah. makin aku kena bebel adelah. aku belajar pujuk diri sendiri. kalau merajuk pun tak lama, kengkadang orang taktau pun aku tengah merajuk. melainkan orang buat aku betul-betul panas hati. tu pun aku still tak main lari-lari sebab aku tau last-last aku pulak yang kena pujuk orang yang buat aku merajuk.

tapi yang pelik pasal aku, orang yang benci aku boleh pulak aku kejar. orang yang buat salah kat aku boleh pulak aku yang menagih maaf, tanya apa salah aku kau boleh tak suka aku sampai camni sekali. boleh pulak aku membodohkan diri. mungkin sebab aku tau ini namanya masalah. setakat merajuk, itu namanya acah-acah.

ada jugak yang cakap aku nampak happy je. 

takde emo marah-marah, aku cool. ni zaman KRK dululah, zaman gelap di mana budak perempuan and budak laki kelas aku kerap bercakaran. zaman budak laki suka ejek budak perempuan and budak perempuan suka bebel kat budak laki. tapi aku tak camtu, ada yang kata. aku selalu try buat orang hepi, ada yang kata lagi. awww :')

aku rasa ada orang yang lagi emo daripada aku. aku kalau emo pun biasanya part main-main tu je, jarang yang serious sampai jadi diam pastu muka menakutkan macam nak makan orang, orang nak pujuk pun takut, sampai keemoan dia menjejaskan emosi orang lain. aku tak seemo tu aku rasa. tapi Aizureen pernah kata yang dia jarang nampak aku marah, tapi sekali aku betul-betul marah, muka aku menakutkan. jadi bersedialah.

orang senang buat aku hepi, terharu, teruja kipas tangan gaya 90210 lompat-lompat semua, tapi sekali kau buat aku betul-betul marah, aku tak buat apa, muka aku je main peranan kata mereka. jadi bersedialah.

mungkin Ama Emo tu maksudnya aku ni banyak emosi, bukan beremosi kot.

it really is, but ah what the hell

sampai sekarang ceruk mana yang aku emo pun aku tak tau.

maybe because i'm a writer too. as i've said before, "that's why writers are always misunderstood. because we write as if we're dying, when actually we're alive and kicking (dying inside... maybe)" oh yeah that old, best friend of mine, dia sudah tidak berblogging lagi, buat masa ni. dia tumblring sahaja.

"i feel uncomfortable updating isi hati dekat blog macam dah dicemari certain people .............."

"i've been thinking to do something like that too, idk, maybe a tumblr or a blogger yg tak dicemari just to write my isi hati being melodramatic and poetic and jiwang and emo and all without worrying that unwanted people will read bout it but the thing with me is i'm so sentimental i even get attached to my blog and tumblr and tak sampai hati nak menduakan mereka haha"

"gilaa lawak. bila nak move on, ceyy. ahaha baguslah tu, tanda2 orang yg setia."

"kannn? i get attached to everything kot. my phone number and watch since i was 11 can vow for me. i have bitter memories with my blog tp attachment punya pasal sampai sekarang setia lagi"

haha sorry love for sharing our private affair here but i just had to :)

dia ni memang tak setia. suka sangat tukar-tukar phone number sampai susah nak contact tru phone dah. tapi aku dari dulu sampai sekarang guna nombor pertama aku, sampai bila-bila. blog dia pun dah berapa kali dah dia tukar, aku pulak kekal dengan Keretapi yang satu. EH TAPI DIA TAK SETIA DENGAN BENDA TAK BERNYAWA JE. dengan manusia dia setia. seperti yang sepatutnya. aku ni dengan kepit (ke ketip?) kuku pink yang dah guna 5 tahun pun nak sedih bila hilang, pe cer kan.

so yeah, i guess one more thing about me is i'm sentimental.

nope, not guess. i KNOW i am VERY sentimental. i get attached to things and of course, people (but i think i get attached to non-living things more cos they never hurt me you know ouch burn myself). heck, i even get attached to books, tv series, and movies.

kengkawan aku kata aku pandai jaga barang. itu sebab aku sayang. 

pensil tekan pun aku boleh pakai bertahun. phone kalau tak bermasalah atau orang tak kasi as hadiah pun takkan tukar, kesah hape aku orang nak kata aku koman pun. jam tangan yang dah jatuh, dah calar, dah bermandi lumpur dengan aku kat kem, dah habis battery pun aku sanggup beli battery baru daripada beli jam baru (ELLE: quality that lasts for 8 years and counting). botol air pakai 3, 4 tahun tertinggal kat dewan hari last SPM pun aku sedih. rantai love white gold yang aku pernah pakai bertahun pun baru tukar pakai rantai love gold pulak sebab cakuk dia dah terbukak (itu pun plan nak tukar cakuk nanti). cincin aku tempah masa darjah 3 hilang kat rumah sedara last year buat aku sedih tahap cipan sebab tu satu-satunya cincin yang muat ngan jari aku yang er agak halus cincin lain longgar (budak 18 tahun pakai cincin masa dia 9 tahun, pernah dengar?), since that ring fits my finger perfectly you know sebab memang dibuat untuk aku, aku yang pilih batu merah tu, and sebab I FREAKING WORE IT FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS IT'S LONGER THAN ANY OF YOUR CHILDISH RELATIONSHIP OKAY!!!11! (maybe this is why they call me emo) 

kau nak setia tahap mana lagi hah? hahah

nak kata aku berjimat, tak sangat. memang tak bila jumpa makanan, baju, bag, buku... tapi aku penyayang ececeh. apa yang boleh pakai lagi, elok lagi, tak rosak, tak hilang, biasanya aku tak ganti, aku tak beli baru. apa yang aku sayang, aku tak ganti. apa yang ada sentimental value, aku tak beli baru. sebab nanti aku rasa bersalah kat yang lama, kesian kat yang baru.

kalau aku ni laki memang aku takkan berpoligami har har.

lagi satu, orang cakap aku.... motherly.

lagi-lagi kat INTEC ni. minggu lepas je dua kali kitorang kena berlakon dalam kelas, dan dua kali jugak aku pegang watak mak orang. kali kedua orang suruh aku berlakon jadi mak tu aku dah tak nakkk. aku dahlah tak reti berlakon, asyik nak tergelak je, tapi korang suruh aku berlakon jugak kenapa?

"cos you look like a mother. you have that.... face."

kejadah?

semata-mata.

ada yang siap cakap i can bear 30 children, just because i have that face, i look like a mother. hmm tengoklah kalau mampu. Anis, classmate aku merangkap deskmate belah kiri, cakap aku macam mak dia, anak dia, adik dia, all at the same time "i'm your everything, anis," i said. aku macam budak-budak, tapi aku macam mak-mak. sebab perangai and muka. apakah.

i guess i'm just flexible and versatile liddat.

siapalah lelaki dan anak-anak yang bertuah itu HAHAHA k.

tapi ada satu perangai aku yang aku taktaulah orang perasan ke tak, tapi aku rasa tak. orang sedar aku macam ni bila dah rapat dengan aku je. atau bila aku rasa aku nak tunjuk perangai aku camni. pastu cakap "ooohhh ama dah majuuu"

"dude plis, aku dah maju long before you even know what maju is"

aku boleh jadi..... inappropriate. nuff said.

maybe i'm gonna get judged and critiqued, but ah what the hell

untuk prektis IELTS speaking test, kitorang buat speed dating. it is very interesting. bukanlah date betul-betul tapi (sad life (IT'S A JOKE, CHILL (this is what i call bracketion btw, inception pun! geddit???))). dua orang duduk hadap each other. sorang tanya, sorang jawab. pastu tukar orang. tukar orang. tukar orang. camtulah. aku suka speed dating ni sebab dapat mengenali classmate dengan lebih dekat dan menjalinkan ukhwah yang lebih erat ewwaaah. walaupun kena tanya soalan based on scheme, tapi after dah habis sesi soal jawab tu kengkadang ada masa lagi so sempat sembang sikit.

hari khamis haritu aku jadi interviewer, the interviewee was one of the new boys (the new boys are the fast track boys, usually they are our juniors, they float from classes to classes and they have worse schedules than us since they just enrolled in january but are going to fly with us next year, so, sufferrrr). i don't talk to the new boys though. but this time, i had the chance hehehe.

when it was my turn with one of the new boys, he was like "eh you're the interviewer", because i was the interviewee last time we speed dated lol. then after we were done with the scheme, my classmate told him to ask me something and then to say "PERGH" after i answered (idek why, that's her trademark kot or she's just guiding this dude because he's like quite shy and that makes him cute ok). he asked me

"so what are you doing tomorrow?"

In a parallel universe i would have answered 

"Why, do you want to ask me on a real date?"

But nah. 

Eh tapi aku still sweet-sweet ngan classmate aku sorang ni. Tu pun sebab aku tau perangai dia camne and bajet sweet ngan dia tak mendatangkan kemudaratan. We only love to role play. We (kekonon) came to an agreement that we have many things in common, like we can see the connection but we, as i said, "kenot go on la liddis" because as he said, "nanti anak kita jadi cam The Hobbit." tapi bebaru ni bila aku mintak dia HIMYM, dia cakap nanti dia kasi aku tengok bila aku jadi housewife jaga anak nanti sebab ada banyak masa free. "kalau I tak masak camne youuu? Anak nak makan ape?" dia kata "KFC kan ada." lol. hence two of the very few examples when i dont mind being bajet sweet. I mind being real sweet though. Saving it ;)

proof: aku pernah tangkap gambar ngan classmate aku tu, pastu aku cakap "Ni gambar ke-4 aku ngan laki. You better treasure this till the day you die. Kesian laki aku nanti" pastu dia jawab "tapi bukan laki kau ngn laki gambar ke-4 tu org yg sama ke?"

"kenot go on on la, kenot"

"what to do"

"what to do"

we both shrugged.

Oh and i do mind talking using I, U actually. unless it's full english, full time, which is boring. Kalau kau laki, kawan dengan aku, aku-kau je cukup. Dengan bakal laki aku sendiri pun kalau boleh aku nak beraku-kau, siapa anda untuk beraiyu dengan saya? Melainkan anda tak tau. Dan saya biasanya biar je anda tak tau sebab agak awkward nak bagitau and so you'll forever stay in the stranger zone. Muahaha. 

so yeah i don't do I/U.

Back to the subtopic, itu kira boleh tahan lagila, tak inappropriate pun. di bawah disertakan beberapa contoh yang mungkin anda tak patut tahu pun sebenarnya tapi sebab ni blog aku suka hati aku lah kan. tak ni tak mengaibkan diri, sebab aku rasa takde salahnya aku begini i love being me hahaha

1. kitorang kena buat satu latihan. bukan latihan sukan ke apa, aint nobody got time fo dat, tapi latihan kerja rumah lah pffft. kena buat soalan 1D. classmate aku sorang ni DHF One Direction. so time tu dia macam "1D weh 1D", teruja nampaknya.

aku nak je cakap "I know you'd do 1D... hard."

tapi aku tak cakapla. keluar ilmu kang terus tak dapat jawab 1D astaghfirullahalazim.

2. dua classmate laki aku tengah gaduh manja, satu kelas tengah gelak tengok dorang. sorang ni rasa dia dah menang, dia cakap "take that, who's below me now?! you!" something like that. lecturer kitorang kata "that sounds so wrong!"

dua classmate perempuan aku dah gelak gila-gila, pastu lecturer tu kata "you get what i mean right? only you two get it" but in mind i was like "i get it too miss, why don't you notice me do i really look that innocent i can be ghetto too :( "

3. classmate aku lagi sorang tengah minum air. pastu air tu tumpah atas baju dia. kali ni aku betul-betul cakap "I didn't know you breastfeed."

omg i should stop here.

benda yang aku tau masa sekolah rendah, kebanyakan kengkawan aku masuk sekolah menengah pun ada yang tak tau lagi. kenapa korang tak tau? macam mana aku tau? wallahualam. ilham agaknya har har.

masa aku KRK, kengkawan aku semua baik-baik, blur-blur je. jadi tak nampak sangatlah perangai aku ni sebab dorang tak mengerti. nampak bila aku dalam kalangan budak laki. sebab budak laki baru tukar suara, baru nak up la, sesikit buat lawak tak senonoh pastu ketawa terbahak-bahak. bila aku dengar aku diam je padahal paham. kengkadang tergelak gak. kengkadang aku terpaksa tegur. kalau dorang sedar, terus dorang "weh ama faham weh ama faham!"

tapi kengkawan perempuan aku semua cam "ha faham apa?"

bless you.

it's better not to tell things sometimes, but ah what the hell

pas aku masuk AB, bertemu Aizureen ngan Diena. Diena ni tudung labuh, tapi biasanya faham, itu yang special pasal dia haha. Aizureen pulak faham sentiasa, hahaha. so finally i met my people, where i truly belonged lolol. takpe jangan risau kitorang masih ada batasan ok, kitorang anak dara bermaruah ok.

memang aku ada batasan. sebab tu lah apa yang ada dalam otak aku tak semua aku suarakan. i can make nasty, funny, inappropriate remarks if i want to, but usually i don't. and that is all that matters right cey.

tapi orang kata muka aku innocent :3

aku taktau camne aku boleh jadi camni. sebab early exposure to cerita omputeh kot, otak jadi cepat pick up. melentur buluh kan biar dari rebungnya, tapi ni salah lentur dah ni. mungkin jugak sebab adik-beradik aku semua laki. tapi dorang tak cakap benda camni depan aku. pernah sekali, ugh geli cakap pasal hal laki ingat aku tak faham la tu. adikmu ini tidaklah senaif yang disangka wahai abang-abangku. 

atau naturally talented, mebi.

Anis cakap dia rasa chromosome dia XY.

"why?"

"because i'm attracted to girls"

"lol Anis you have a future husband already. kalau camtu kita pun XY la, i have crushes on girls, i stare at them and when i see sexy girls i wonder 'kalau aku rasa camni, laki apatah lagi' so kita cam faham laki aa. i'm straight though"

"yeah i think you're XY"

"haha i think so but why??"

"tah Ama ada macam laki sikit"

"maybe, dah abang-abang kita semua XY, terbawak-bawak sampai kita kot"

meet Anis. Anis is full of contradictions. to her i'm like a little kid, and also a motherly figure. to her i'm a girly girl, and also boyish. but she understands me and that's all that matters :")

maybe i'm full of contradictions. 

am i good at hiding it?

this is only the social side of me. by social i don't mean i'm a social butterfly, it just means how i am with people. i'm an introvert actually, but am a tiny, tiny, tiny bit extrovert. see, contradictions again. maybe it's because we all have two sides of every characteristic, we all are two sides of each coin. what makes a difference is which side is more dominant. don't even get me started on the school girl side of me, which is full of contradictions as well. contradictions some people can never accept. that i can be this, but also be that. that it is possible to be both. i wonder how many people can't accept this social side of me.

i'm not bi, if that's what you think i'm talking about.

but see i'm not that good though.

ok end of Ama 101.