The Year I Made It - 2014 :)

2014 has been... one heck of a year.

the first three quarter of the year, if you told me of the things that would happen in the last quarter of 2014 and that i would be sitting here typing this in Sheffield, i would say "jangan memain boleh tak?"

because everything else was going wrong, i would have troubles believing things would be going right. alhamdulillah :)

my previous post was supposed to be followed by another post in which i would talk about bad memories, which often make good stories. yes, it's all in the past but i'd just have to write it down, maybe to give it its final rest or otherwise it kept floating in my head and giving me reasons to be sad when i shouldn't be. yes, i am guilty of thinking about it even when i'm in the better part of the year. i am sad abut the past, and i am happy now. but i couldn't help thinking about what had happened, i don't know why. it was really bothering me. that i'd shed a tear. or two.

but now, this very second, i'm not there anymore. so why should i talk about the bad things? when there are good things i can talk about. or can't talk about. or won't. wink, haha.

even with the worse three quarter of the year, i still have troubles accepting the better quarter. keep telling myself just be happy now ama, before your happiness is taken away again for whatever reason nauzubillah... :( it's not like i'm in a state where everything is oh so perfect and i super love my life and i'm the happiest i've ever been and oh life is at its best~ but in a way, in MY way, life's good. i'm good :) alhamdulillah.

i lost some, but i learnt so much. i gained enough, and i got what i wanted :) to list it all, oh my... 

is it possible?

ok let's try. let's list it down, in an ambiguous way so people can't really figure out what i'm talking about, as always. shall we? haha!

1. aku freaking fly weh. can you believe that? i still can't. dream uni, dream course. childhood dreams. against all odds. bailed mrsm, stayed in lembah, intec almost killed me academically and personally that i considered to bail last year and couldn't wait to leave this year. felt like i flunked - passed. didn't pass uni requirement - got accepted. weh.

2. don't trust people anymore. cukup siapa ada sekarang. insyaallah sentiasa ada. nobody to find, no friend to make. nothing's wrong with that. i've found the people and make the friends i cherish. that is enough. life is complete. unless i happen to do so along the way which is okay, i'm just not desperate to discover new individuals, open up, and be disappointed again.

3. i spent the first half of 2014 being unhappy. i didn't go out, i didn't eat properly, i lost weight (which was good, but i gained it again, also because i wasn't happy)(when essential things in life fail to make you happy, you seek false sense of happiness in other things instead - good food, surplus of clothes)(i spent every friday in the two months of exam going to the office to collect my online shopping items and secret recipe afterwards, studying and eating alone for the whole day), i cried in class, in my house, at the kerusi, to my mom, to the ground. god, ama. i'm not one to feel lonely even when i'm alone. so something must have happened to make me feel alone even when surrounded by people. it takes much to make me say i'm lonely, and i was.

4. you don't know who cares about you, and guess what? they don't know that you care about them too! unless you bloody tell them! i've made this mistake a couple of times this year... years. didn't you know? i'm the best at showing i couldn't care less. but this time it cost more than i ever thought it could. you both didn't know that you were thinking of each other, that you both were stealing glances, and wanted to talk... this is a mistake of all sides, too discouraged or too ego, and how would we even know? but if i said or did anything earlier... it would have been better. we were young and stupid and wrong :(

5. talk. talk it out. i've always wanted to talk about things. so i'm just telling everyone out there that... YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT. whatever that has been bothering you, or the things you've been keeping inside. i wanted to talk about something once, but i was denied the chance. then when things got worse, i didn't feel like talking anymore. i just stayed silent. till the end. because the things that were there to talk about? had mounted and was already too much to handle.

6. stay the hell out of other people's business, thank you. even if you mean it well. well, thanks, but i repeat, stay the hell away.

7. oooh, the truth always comes out. always. it's just a matter of time. too bad for me, much of the truth i found out right before i started my alevel exam. couldn't have had a better timing, eh? so next time if you want to talk shit about others, or tell bullshits to others, or do shitty things you aren't supposed to do, think about that. okay? :)

8. i'm getting bitter here. hahaha. don't be bitter! i was bitter for a while. because i didn't want to get hurt any longer. if you're sensitive, you get hurt. if you're cold, you hurt others. what will you choose? i've been both. in the end, i'd say being soft is better than being harsh. being warm is better than being cold. and being sweet is better than being better. you've just gotta find the right balance, and build a strong defense rather than use a defense mechanism that hurts others in return.

9. you are alone in your life. face it. you will always be alone in the end. brace it. embrace it.

10. i was once in a position which i was attacked, by being said i was the one attacking, ha ha. but what did i do? i defended the person. i justified for them. i tried to understand their position. and i was the one losing my temper? :') probably because i was too shocked i couldn't even be angered, i just sat there staring straight ahead and wondered "why me?" so i say, keep a cool head, even when people say you're hot-headed :)

11. i learn to act cool oh so coolly! i mean, act cool. not that i could act in a cool way. still, i gave myself a pat on the back for having such a talent i didn't know i had. to face the world when all i wanted was hide, to smile when the day before i had cried, to talk nicely even when i knew what you talked about me. no, it's not being fake. it's being polite. it's not being hypocrite, it's being mature. we put the unnecessary behind us, and focus on the necessary before us. such as the exam.

12. not everybody are like you. upon knowing this, you still don't have to be like them. for example: you don't talk about people because you thought they wouldn't talk about you, but they did? don't talk about them still! i knew that not everybody will like me, i learnt that years ago. but to know that people don't hold the same values as i do, it's something new :(

13. some losses are gains. if it was good, it would have stayed.

14. friendships with unexpected people at unexpected times. although i had to treat it as a secret as if it was a scandal. the one when it was a guy friend, understandable. but the girl friend? hahahah, as if she was my girl-friend! she was one of the very few friends i felt i had left. and him, too. so i had two friends i treasured, but i couldn't be seen with them. because somebody(s) would get jealous, and i was always the one trying not to get anybody hurt.

15. but i still got people hurt, and that was unavoidable... inevitable :( sometimes, there is no other way... and i feel bad to this day. to all that i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. i'm so sorry. 

16. you can't control what happens, but you can control how you dress. one day after something happened, i really didn't want to go to class. the whole night i've been saying how would i go to class in this situation :( but the next morning, i got the answer. my friend who knew what was happening was surprised to see me. "pergh, ama!" i was wearing a dress and a shawl, didn't look like someone who just cried a couple of hours earlier. "kita takleh kawal apa jadi kat kita, tapi kita boleh kawal kita pakai apa." i felt a sense of power, when the truth was everything else made me feel powerless inside. you might feel your worst, but make sure you look your best :)

17. i still believe people have good intentions, even if they do bad things. it's what they do that is bad, they are not. but you know what? that's not a good enough excuse. you still did what you know you shouldn't have done, and that hurts others. i know that now. so i won't do that to other people too.

18. despite it all, i'm glad that i have a couple of underground friends, if you will. the world doesn't really know we're friends, but they know about my world and i theirs. at least, know enough. i like that, you know. there might not be cool pictures and posts of us hanging out at cool places talking about cool things, there doesn't need to be. i know we're cool enough. and of course, i thank god for the couple of friends who were always there for me at my lowest. i know i shouldn't burden them, so i tried to survive on my own. but they were still there for me. thinking of them now can give me teary eyes out of gratitude.

19. you have to be able to be happy for people when you're unhappy, and be sad about others when you're sad about yourself. i could do that, but somehow i purposely didn't... i did the right thing when i was still in intec. i retreated, i hid, i didn't tell anybody anything, i didn't feel like talking, but once somebody needed to talk to me, i'd go out of my hiding. i'd be there. but after i left intec, i really shut in and shut everybody out. i only maintained contact with a couple of people: somebody whom i thought might be the only who actually really cared about me and showed it, and somebody who needed me to be his wingwoman lol. i didn't talk to my best friend, let alone other friends. it was not that i blamed the whole human race for what happened to me, it was just i couldn't be bothered. i was tired of people in general. they exhausted me. that was so inappropriate of me when they tried to reach me...

20. I learn that it is better to have 1 person who loves you for who you really are, than 100 people pretending they do, even when the other 100 think you're not worth loving without knowing the real you. Despite everything, i'm very lucky to have some people in my life. Very few to trust, but more than enough. I forgot how sweet some souls are to me because i was too focus on how bitter hearts can be. I'm sorry. Should have just treasured what has lasted for years :)

21. bear.

21 for the age i'm going to be in 2015! weehooo!!!

of course there are more, but these are some that i can think of right now. others can be found in previous posts, fb statuses, insta caption, right before sleeping and perhaps in the toilet. hmm.

but always, always the same thing year after year is... alhamdulillah for everything ya Allah.

when things are going bad, it's too much for me to bear. when things are going good, it's more than i ever deserve. either way You always, always listen, and are always, always there, and so generous and forgiving, thanks ya Allah.

thank you for 2014, the worst and the best year, for all the experiences and lessons, good and bad. the bitter makes the good much sweeter, and the good makes the bad seem worth it :)

last year i wrote in The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013;

2013 was not a good year for me. I wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

i can say i am happy now, alhamdulillah. too afraid to say i'm happy. but may it last, insyaallah.

i'm sorry to the ones i have hurt, may Allah help you to forgive me. to those who have helped me, may Allah bless you :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR UK! FIREWORKS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AS I'M ENDING THIS POST. PERFECT TIMING!

Hello, 2015 :)

Flying Off #1: Result A-Level

dah dua bulan aku dekat UK. so hai!

ok am i the worst blogger or what?

aku pun taktau macam mana aku boleh hidup berbulan-bulan tanpa kongsi berita gembira ini dengan keretapi yang selama ni tahan je dengar cerita hidup aku. it's not that i've stopped blogging. i was still blogging without actually blogging. tengok fb tengok insta lah hahaha. if anybody's wondering why it's hard for me to stick to one or two lines while updating status and uploading photos, like normal humans - this is why. i love writing and i miss blogging. kesah hape aku aku buat blog post dekat tempat tak sepatutnya pun. kau kisah, kau takyah baca. eh ke lagi kisah lagi nak baca? aw thank you *blushing*

if you have my social media accounts, you'd pretty much know what's up with me. aku tak connect blogger dengan fb sebab... aku nak keretapi ialah keretapi. privacy. facebook ialah facebook. juga privacy. tapi ada yang dah ikut blog ni berzaman, sentiasa beri sokongan dan layan aku meroyan (ada ke? hikhik) sampai aku rasa jika wujud spesis ini, aku patut jadi kawan fesbuk mereka. tsk. sebab aku rasa bersalah, dan sebagai tanda penghargaan. pergh bajet gila kau ama.

kalau nak kasi, kasilah. i add u u app i k :3

aku yakin keretapi dah masak sangat dengan kitaran hidupnya. aku tangguh blogging - bertimbun post untuk diblog - sampai tak terblog- aku taktau mana nak mula - aku makin malas - aku tangguh blogging lagi - dan ulang. ulang sampai tak blog berbulan-bulan :')

aku rasa keretapi pun dah makin sedar diri bahawa peranan hidupnya sekarang ialah bila aku nak blog benda yang tak boleh dibebelkan di fb, dan juga terlalu panjang untuk dibebelkan di fb. kat fb aku post satu status yang samar-samar kisahnya, kat blog aku cerita sedalam yang sanggup. kat fb aku upload satu gambar, kat blog aku terangkan kisah di sebalik gambar. haa gitu.

tapi paling penting, once you go blogger, you cannot write shorter. ni mukadimah je dah panjang macam apa.


mungkin dah boleh mula cerita agaknya.

sehari sebelum result a-level keluar, aku kena pergi court. sebelum pergi court, aku pergi makan-makan dulu dengan ajk reunion sklk. dalam satu hari tu, semua boleh rasa. seronok dengan kawan-kawan, serabut pasal mahkamah, dan kecut pasal result.

 pergi makan-makan sebagai ganjaran dan sebab malam reunion tu kitorang tak makan sangat pun sebenarnya :')

tapi kena balik cepat sbb nak gi court sobs. kata kat dorang ada hal family, baru dorang lepaskan aku :'(

giving a statement in court at 20, that certainly adds up to life experience. right after i got home, i straightaway went out. driving mindlessly and aimlessly as if i could drive away from reality and never have to think about real life again. court? never happened. result? won't ever happen.

while driving, dapat pulak satu berita dari insider bahawa... ini ialah result alevel paling teruk sepanjang zaman. dia berkias je kat group wassap kelas. orang ingat dia bergurau. dia hanya mampu gelak. aku wassap dia personal. sah. sah terteruk. dia bagitau aku apa dia tau. ok, aku dah tau cukup. cukup untuk buat aku sembunyi dalam gua taknak tengok dunia esok. tapi takpe, sekarang aku dalam kereta. teruskan memandu. kuatkan lagu. sing along baby. tengok langit. lupakan yang lain. pegi jj. beli coolblog bagi sejuk hati. beli bahan buat cookies as distraction. drive some more. balik rumah.

esoknya.

bangun pagi tetiba demam.  ah sudah. demam panas. ini serius. aku jarang demam. ini demam yang betul-betul demam, paham? sakit kepala, panas mata, takde selera, mulut pahit, terbaring je, mengerekot bawah selimut, tido. terus tak fikir pasal result hahahah sebab memang tak mampu nak fikir! masa tu dah tahap lantaklah. terjaga, tengok jam, tido balik. sampailah detik boleh cek. tu pun aku taknak tunggu dan nak sambung tido je. nanti-nantilah. demam tahap apa ni sampai ama boleh berkata begitu? misteri. tapi sebab ada orang suruh cek... ok, ceklah.

aku tak cek result, sebab belum lagi. aku cek uni dulu, sebab uni dah tunjuk kita diterima ke tak. cek pon kat fon je. sekali terbeliak mata. terduduk terus.

CONGRATULATIONS? YOUR PLACE AT UNIVERSITY OF SHEFFIELD HAS BEEN CONFIRMED?

biar betul. aku diam dulu. tu dahlah first choice aku. firm university. bukan insurance. takkanlah.

dup dap dup dap gak masa tu. ok tak. dup dap dup dap sangat!

aku tak ingat sama ada aku bagitau mak aku atau tak. it's typical of me untuk tak bagitau dulu selagi tak konfem, tapi aku rasa masa tu mak aku datang kat katil orang sakit aku, suruh aku makan ubat ke apa tah. and i think i just blurted it out. "tapi tak konfem lagi ma, taktau result."

university konfem, bukan edexcel konfem. apatah lagi jpa konfem.

"yela kot tu. alhamdulillahhh," kata ma. aku taktau nak kata apa dah. taktau nak rasa apa.

lidah takleh rasa, hati takleh rasa gak ke? tapi ni takde kena mengena dengan demam rasanya.

masa tu demam entah ke mana. terus tertunggu-tunggu nak cek result. dah boleh cek, terus cek.




konfius. tapi kelakar. tapi syukur.

aku dapat cukup-cukup makan. 12/15! tapi sheffield nak 14? is it possible yang overall result sangat teruk sampai aku pun diterima masuk? konfius. aku siap call sheffield beberapa hari kemudian. dorang kata yes, there's no mistake. they want you for some reasons. walaupun aku tak lepas 14, mungkin dorang masih terima aku sebab... orang lain pun tak lepas 14? orang lain yang buat alevel edexcel la. alevel cambridge taktau pehal semua macam bahagia berjaya je. tp kitorang... tsk. betul kata seorang kawan, masa aku luahkan kat dia malam sebelum dapat result. dia dah dapat result IB, dikatakan batch dia pun paling teruk, tapi result dia ok. katanya doa, biar kita bukan antara yang teruk yang dikatakan tu. kalau teruk pun, tak teruk mana.

aku dapat A mathematics! waaat??? and 100% for C12?! kelakar kkk. maths yang susah nak mampus aku dah macam mayat hidup lepas jawab C34. and my C34 wasn't that bad too! lagi kelakar..... aku dapat C psychology?! tak pernah wey! apa kau nak wahai pemeriksa kertas?! betul kata insider semalam, result macam tak belajar pape sepanjang dua tahun. macam kita yang salah belajar selama ni. taktau la mana silapnya. rupa-rupanya rata-rata semua slack kat psych. we're talking about E here. wallahualam, i don't know what happened. satu-satunya yang konsisten ialah economics, B. hahaha. psych yang selama ni aku harapkan, itu yang paling teruk. maths yang aku tak hairan kalau E sekalipun, itu yang paling baik. wow.

but i made it. syukur. syukur ya Allah. masa tu masih tak terasa apa-apa, kecuali syukur. happy pun tak. hanya lega. macam biasa. alhamdulillah :)

result a-level: ABC. dalam turutan subjek paling hancur selama ni sehingga ke subjek yang kononnya paling bagus. gila ironi.

aku tak malu nak bagitau result ais batu campur ni sebab, this is life. straight A memanjang, sekali ambik kau. keputusan beraneka abjad. sekali je dahlah k, jangan banyak kali lak. sekali sekala pun taknak :'D

aku tak tanya result orang lain. orang lain pun tak tanya result aku. aku berhubung dengan sorang je, tu pun sebab aku tau dia lepas 12, dan kitorang masing-masing taktau result orang lain. semua diam.

tapi aku diam sampai hari esoknya jelah haha. sebab orang lain pun ramai dah buat post alhamdulillah LOL. dan sebab orang pun ada tanya aku, aku ok tak. bukan tanya result ok tak, tp tanya aku ok tak. auw. of course, ada je yang tanya result terus. ni bukan stock yang ambik alevel ni sebab tu main tanya je! padahal kami dalam komuniti alevel semua macam tengah berkabung tau tak.

aku rasa ada baiknya aku bagitau jela. apa penerimaan orang, terpulang pada dia. kita tau niat kita betul, cara kita pun dah cukup betul. kan? teruskan. post. lulz.

alhamdulillah, rahmat Allah is so strong in this one.
University of Sheffield, insyaallah :)


but


You can't really be happy as an individual if you don't feel happy together with other people



memula, kelas aku 8 orang je boleh fly. daripada 400++ pelajar tajaan jpa di intec, tak sampai 200 yang lepas cut-off point. yang lepas untuk ke UK hanya 150++ orang. ke US taktau, tapi dengar-dengar yang nak ke US ni cut-off point tak penting sangat. sebab ada yang dah fly dah pun sebelum result keluar. lepastu ada cakap-cakap yang memang siapa yang lepas 12 je dapat fly. 9-11, sponsored in local unis. below than that, scholarship terminated.

tapi alhamdulillah. berkat doa and usaha pelbagai pihak: pelajar, mak bapak, intec sendiri - naik turun jpa, meeting berkali-kali - everybody can fly :) as long as they got a university placement. i was sad for my friends, but i didn't really say anything to them. i wanted to, but i knew i better shut up. it was not easy. they had to write surat rayuan plus surat keterangan why they didn't make it. they had to do this and that. some people did more on behalf of others, but we all prayed. lepas tak lepas, regardless. at first jpa seemed certain with their decision - what they'd been talking about since our very first day as sponsored students anyway: you get 12 points, you're good to go. lower than that, no.

but over time, the short period of time when people were still trying while looking for alternatives, they seemed to change their stand, slowly. semua doa bagi jpa lembut hati. i was thinking, all that shouldn't be for nothing... all that which they asked the students to do, shouldn't be for the same firm no. from giving a chance to explain and appeal, to giving a chance to those who got a placement in the top 100 uni, to giving a chance to those who got a placement to any uni at all. and now here most of us are: UK and US.

after all, we're the first batch of this new program right? surely a little exception should be granted to the experimental batch ;)

selepas dua tahun yang dipenuhi dugaan oleh tuan penaja, akhirnya terbalas juga semuanya tsk. terima kasih kerajaan yang beri peluang dan rakyat yang bayar cukai! LOL.


tamat sudah episode satu. nantikan sambungannya.

cecey.

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.

Great Gatsby Grand Dinner ALUK10

24/6/2014 was the last day. in the morning we had the final paper. in the evening we had the grand dinner.

lepas habis last exam tu, lepas habis alevel tu, rasa macam... weh dah habis weh. dah free. tapi.... apa aku nak buat dengan hidup ini. apa nak buat dengan masa depan?! stop! jangan fikir pape. kita enjoyyy! 

sebenarnya dah stop fikir masa depan before start exam lagi hahaha. jangan fikir boleh buat ke tak, sempat ke tak. buat je apa boleh, redah je. kalau fikir boleh panic attack. so jangan fikir. tengah2 exam pun cuba tak fikir pasal result. buat je la apa yang boleh buat lagi. usaha, pasrah. kalau fikir boleh depress. so jangan fikir.

my life is a series of running away from reality. i should do a marathon. cos you know, i said series. the only marathon i do is finishing a tv series. and i said run, so like, marathon. ok you get the joke. (did you?)

orang panggil tangga ni tangga cinderella. depan exam hall kitorang, bawah class juniors. junior tengok je senior macam ni. kau tak paham dik apa kami lalui. korang program ktj berapa bulan je, apa tau jerit perih dua tahun alevel kat sini. tsk. terasa sangat dewasa ketika itu lulz.

finishing the final paper, completing alevel, all felt surreal. almost like a fairytale. but i hope a good happy ending awaits us in this one too. insyaallah, amin. now we wait for a fairy, we wait for a miracle. we've fought enough, bruised and wounded from the battle. so now, we wait like a damsel. a damsel in distress.

but first......

semua telah bertransformasi! now everyone's a princess!.... and the guys are dudes in suits!

Glasgow, 10SS1, Social Science, interview code LN0332 ;)

kuang hasam betul ommelayu. janji pukul 8, korang datang pukul 9?! tabiat janji melayu camni toksah bawak fly la ye. buat malu je. aku punyalah menepati masa, masuk dalam tu dok tunggu ternganga, sungguh patuh. tak sempat nak bebetul make up, aw. dah masuk tu tak terfikir pulak nak kuar touch up, aw.

ok i tell u wat la k. malam tu first time aku make up in public. sebelum ni main sorang2 je prektis hihiks. tak nampak sangat dalam gambar tapi tengok muka kat cermin rasa cam dah cukup. memula segan sebab tak biasa, tapi fikir bila lagi jika bukan masa ini?! so aku pun make up la sementara tutorial memember pakai shawl. sebelah tangan pegang blusher sebelah lagi lilitkan kepala orang lol. mungkin sebab aku bersiap dengan geng yang tak beriya, aku jadi segan sebab rasa paling over. sekali bila tengok orang lain, perghlamakkk.

ada yang make up macam pro gila. ada yang tak nampak berbedak pun sebelum ni malam tu vavavoom. ada yang konon kawen pun taknak make up kecuali depan suami tapi sekali hamboi3. ada yang natural beauty selama ni malam tu ya rabbi artificial beauty dia buat aku cair, ngan make up aku sekali cair hahaha. ok ama, lek. 

make up pun gambar end up kekuningan buat hape?!

aku berbedak je selama ni paling up pun letak eyeliner, kata nak make up masa kawen je sebenarnya bukan sebab poyo tapi sebab tak reti, natural beauty pun hmmm Allah dah ciptakan manusia sebaik-baik makhluk kan, jadi... loool. tapi mama saya suka jika anak dia tampil senonoh. tu untuk post lain, tapi kat post ni nak selit sikit dia lah pemangkin semangat untuk aku cuba sendiri buat pertama kali segalanya. takdela segala sangat, malam tu gua taruk bedak blusher eyeshadow eyeliner lipstick jer. tetiba tak rasa nak pakai mascara, sebab tu mata masih kecil dan tiada ilusi bundar hahaha. sebab itu juga lah kening bersepah sikit, sebab mascara boleh guna untuk rapikan dan highlight your eyebrow! #makeup101

warning: make up susah wehhh. memula aku nak putus asa dah. pastu mak aku kata benda yang aku salu kata..... "google lah." petunjuk. pebimbing. muka mak aku dengan aku tak sama. memang tau, tapi masa ni lagi la nampak muka aku muka bapak. kena perhati dengan teliti jenis mata, bentuk muka, segala. pape yang mama cakap dia buat masa muda, kalau aku buat sumpah jadi laughing stock. lain muka, lain caranya. rupanya make up ni tak semudah "sapu blusher di pipi, oles eyeshadow di mata." tidak ye. atau muka aku je yang tak mudah hm. make up is an art. which took me some attempts to master. tak master pun tapi takdela jadi clown yang mata lebam ditumbuk pipi merah ditampar malam tu ennn. kira senonohlah anak mama ni. 

"you must be proud of me, i'm all grown up, i finally wear make up and don't stumble in these not-so-high heels, i'm no longer a girl, i'm a lady, mama!" bisik hati bangga.

reaksi mak tengok gambar dinner: "make up malam kena tebal baru nampak."..... ok. terima kasih. akan cuba lagi pada masa hadapan... tah bila. boleh je nak buat seperti yang telah dicuba di rumah sendiri yang hasilnya terharu rasa "terer gak aku. kengkawan nak kawen upahlah, kita kira harga memember. ok cepatla kawen sesape nak duit ni pls." kualiti hanya dijamin kalau muka kita sebijik la sebab mata lain pipi lain aku tak google lak camne hahaha.

tetiba cakap pasal make up en, gegurl gilew.

yang penting semua look good okayyy malam tu, teruja/terharu.

selaku class rep, ijad susunkan sape duduk dengan sape

pastu ijad pi main band lak kat depan

ijad aku bangga dengan kau. dia masa baru masuk intec, penyegannyaaa. kitorang salu kacau dia sebab best kacau orang segan saje gelak tengok respon dia. aku pun memang suka kacau laki pemalu dari dulu kahkah. sebab lain untuk kacau ijad: 1. hafiz in the making mengaji... ya rabbi. menyanyi pun... ya tuhan. 2. ada bakal isteri dah, alhamdulillah brother! cepat-cepatla kawen, eh tapi ijad taknak kawen muda, ok cepat-cepatlah habiskan 30 juzuk hehe.

amrizad yang dahulunya penyegan di awal kehidupan intec, di pertengahan perjalanan ketika dipaksa menyanyi di kelas punyalah payah tapi sekali buka mulut semua terpana, tapi di penutup dua tahun ini, beliau naik ke pentas dan menyanyi di hadapan semua. such change, much confidence, so wow :')

nani and me, nani is my roommate and yes, classmate

first day masuk intec, sesi ice breaking sambil kemas bilik, kitorang bersyukur kitorang banyak persamaan. dalam hal lain berbeza, tapi dari segi family, sama. aku dengan dia sama cara, sama pemikiran, sama perasaan, sama manja haha (walaupun nani lagi manja kot hik hik). tapi lepas tu, kitorang tak berkongsi sangat pasal persamaan kitorang ni.... sampaila hari-hari terakhir kami bersama. kadang-kadang banyak persamaan pun susah jugak kan sebab kita nak benda sama, tapi kat situla belajar tolak ansur. semester akhir, baru semakin menghargai dorang semua sebab semakin banyak spend time together :') when i was still in intec, towards the end, i felt that i already missed my housemates. they were the first people i missed, like the house was the first place i missed. i wish i had a picture with yana that night. i wish dayah was there at the dinner and we all could take a picture together :(

asma and sayra :)

lily and ana :)

lily and ama :)

insyaallah... to the same place we'll go, with ummul. insyaallah.

this is ummul...... need a new post for this to say everything, or the things that are okay to say.

or just nothing because we ourselves know everything and everything that it means to me :')

ceka, lily, izzy, ama, ana, anis :)

sedih je dua2 selfie blur haha. ama and asma, boleh jadi tongue twister.

unexpected friendship to that unintended depth at the last minute in those last unfortunate days, despite all the unreasonable obstacles, we are friends. for that and more, i thank you :')

ama and aina :)

annnddd.....

amalina and amrizad. hahaha. inilah ijad! ijad apahal kau kurus sangat hah?! makin melebar aku di sebelah ijad yang turun 20 kg dalam masa 2 tahun. hm. 20 ke 12. tunjuk ajarku sifu (dia dah tunjuk ajar tapi tak berjaya sebab pemalaih haih)

selamat kot letak gambar ni kat sini. ke ada sesapa nak screen shot tolong report? aku tak faham class aku. classmate pompuan lain main2 pasal ijad, it's a joke. nak kawen bila ijad mengaji nak pengsan bila ijad menyanyi la apa la haha. it's all for a good laugh. tapi bila aku main2 pasal ijad, it's a thing! korang ingat aku takleh main2 ke hah?! dasar tak kenal ama sebenar. lol. 

?????????????????????????????????????

ni dari whatsapp class oke. gambar atas farewell french lecturer party sem 2, masa aku baru kawan ngan ijad dan mula sembang pasal hidup. tetiba kecoh, padahal kitorang tengah cerita pasal kisah cinta dia! gambar bawah farewell friends and lecturers party sem 4, masa ni tengah nyanyi sandiwara cinta lol. ijad kena paksa perform, cam biasa, tapi segan, cam biasa. kitorang ulang je lagu tu sebab aku suruh sebab aku suka padahal dia nak lagu lain haha. akhirnya perform gak sandiwara cinta, satu kelas siap sing a long. we sang a long to Sempurna and Kenangan Terindah too, it was nice. i liked that moment during the practice session. it started only the two of us quietly singing sandiwara cinta, then some people talking in a group heard it, and started singing with us too, but it was really slow and low :)

ijad ajar main gitar. takpela sifu tak sempat nak belajar satu jam. tapi best!

amalina and amrizad jadi bahan ejek sejak kitorang dua jadi ketua kelas alis kot. dah lah quran sama kaler maroon. dah lah am am. dah lah point exam asyik sama hahah. nasib baik jap je the thing, kalau tak awkward gak aku nak baik ngan dia sesikit kena. oh ye. aku pernah blog pasal ijad, dekat satu post tak bernama. haha ce teka ce teka.

ok bukan wedding photo booth, lek lek semua lek

me and zuhad hehe. we don't always talk but when we do, it ends up as girl talk :3 malam semalam tu dengan dia la dari hal exam sebab taknak stress, terus cakap pasal luvh lyfe kononnya. bajet je. takpe zuhad tak perlu lah set up kita dengan sesiapa. haha baru teringat, she once asked me to be her kakak ipar, comel je juad. siang tu balik lepas exam, dok sebelah dia dalam bas. we shared girly secrets. since it's "ala last day so what the heck" and all the now and never what do you have to lose kinda spirit, we revealed who our crushes were ;)

speaking of which, this picture is the death of me. i dead.

teruskan hidup, sebab hidup ini penuh barakah, kan shasha? rapat lagi, nak amek berkat sikit. eh. hew hew

(she's my girl crush in the class!!! her gang even put a restraining order against me)

sayra and i! :) love love. we share some pretty little secrets, plans of joint venture for future business based on respective interests and a liking for a certain activity, um, let's just call it a hobby hehe

me and madi!!! ok ni bukan classmate. madi architecture. tapi ni schoolmate sekolah rendah! geng menari sway masa last dinner sklk :') six years later, saw her at the interview and ended up together here :) finally, photos with madi. dari awal masuk jumpa je salu "kita kena tangkap gambar sama!", "bila nak selfieee?", "nanti habis alevel amek gambar tau!" pernah selfie sekali dalam bas, bergambar sama sekali masa ni hehe. comel je madi.

self....reflect diri

ama and nureen! thanks for everything, i appreciate it :)

ama and wani! sorry for everything, i regret it. LOOOL. hang baca tak kalini. laih taim aku belog pasai hang tak bernama walaupun tak patut la kan tapi sebab itu yang aku rasa aku nak hang baca sendiri, bukan dengaq dari sapa-sapa or dengaq dari mulut aku cos lbr masa tu kita mana bukak mulut hahaha. tapi benda dah jadi nak buat lagu mana, maap la sapa suruh tak baca belog aku muahaha. ni la bila dua orang nampak cam cold-hearted bic padahal soft-hearted babies buat drama. nanti2 ah cita pasai hang. sayang hang bai 

anis and ama :)

this is ika. bukan classmate. ni legend ni, takkan taktau. dialah admin group INTEC 2012/2014 yang menyatukan kami semua sebelum masuk intec lagi! berterima kasih pada ika cepat :')

sebulan sebelum jejak kaki kat situ kitorang dah orientasi melalui teknologi dah. those were the good old times, when everybody was excited to start this journey and now.... we've ended it. awww. everybody had too much time on their hand and nobody else to talk to because all our friends had continued their studies, so we were left alone at home with each other to mingle virtually with. 

masa tu aku bising dalam group tu, bersembang tah dengan sape-sape yang masuk intec tak kenal pun habis intec tak ingat pun. tapi ada yang kenal, ada yang ingat, ada yang kawan sampai sekarang :)

ada yang tengah sama sembang sekarang as i am typing this, haha.

some of them, i do hope to befriend beyond the facebook group and beyond the college compound.

to the infinity, and beyond! k.

oh and i received a chocolate dedication. i was chilling at my table when a junior handling the event came to our table asking for amalina. cuak jap.... then i was handed a chocolate. took me a second to read what's written on the chocolate and realize oh... ada orang kasi coklat. em, thanks. donno who you are, i had three guesses but it's all wrong and wani said she didn't give it, haha. i'm out of guesses but i guess it must have been a friend then. tak makan lagi coklat tu. tapi tenkiu hehe.

the night after dinner night. the glamz fades away, kids.

"hidup di dunia ini tidaklah melainkan main-main dan senda gurau. akhirat itu lebih baik bagi orang yang bertaqwa."

(tetiba. ramadhan, ramadhan.)

SEMOGA AMA DAPAT SEMUA A A-LEVEL AMIN

insyaallah terima kasih naa moga Allah berkati hangpa malaikat semua doakan hangpa juga ok tata

(plan nak blajaq sebulan sebelum exam hancoq - seminggu sebelum baru mula - sehari sebelum baru kalut)

(eh awat cakap kedah tetiba ni? hihihi gelak gatai)

(bai assalamualaikum xoxo)

Trial Over Trouble But Now Trial Is Over So Trouble Over Trial?

so today's the end of the one week break i gave myself. and tomorrow's the start of being serious. insyaallah..... by serious i mean going back to class and getting trial result....... and study...... insyaallah..... lol. if i start studying for real now one month and two weeks before the real alevel trial, this is really the start of the new ama. hopefully. never been seen before. insya- no, no more insyaallah. but bismillah! cey.

how was trial? hmm let see. i happen to know a few people here with dramas. nearing the exam week, their episodic events of conflicts seemed to be reaching the climax. among the episodes was one when somebody asked to see me, and upon seeing me cried on my shoulder for like 10 minutes, or less, or more. upon completing the crying session, that person wiped their eyes, and said, "dah." and i said, "ok."

that's not the first time for the record.

people were stressed out because of their own dramas and other people's dramas which they had to deal with by listening to lengthy details not concerning their lives or by directly getting involved in it. then i had to listen to them being stressed out about listening to other people's problems, which was kinda ironic, but i didn't mind, so i kept listening. as long as you don't drag me into your shit, it's fine. nope, not this time. other time can, this time cannot. trial for god's sake weh trial alevel!!!

they were so 'trouble over trial'. they were troubling people with their troubles, people who only wanted to be troubled by trial. so i told them "put off your problems. tell them to put off their problems. until after trial. just for these two weeks. pause. then have the world war III all you want i couldn't care less and in fact, i'd even be there."

but then, lalala, the night before trial started, i had to deal with a little complication of my own.

i was called a bitch. my reaction? i was surprised. seriouslyyy did that just happen? so i asked "what is your problem?" maybe i laughed a little. because it felt funny. i had never been called a bitch. not that i know of, lol. so that kinda added up to life experience, haha. and maybe because being called a B didn't bother me as much as something else i found out about that night did. that did bother me that being called a bitch was a comic relief. seriously i was just surprised and not angry at all. i didn't deserve to be called as such i'd say. but i understand the situation and the reason. so i was okay.

i ended up having to tell myself what i told people: put off your problem. trial over trouble.

be cool. act normal. about that thing that bothered me, i decided to put it off until after trial. but now i've decided to put it on hold until after alevel. which i think i wouldn't even bring up later on. but if i do, it's out of having to let it off my chest, and not because of being mad and causing world wars or things like that.

on the whiteboard in the class where we put our stuffs during exam. i didn't know who did this but i know it's not anyone from my class. and my class is the only class taking full psychology alevel. the other two/three classes only took half the subject. and already you said it's susah nok harom! hahahaha who said psycho is easy who said?! i feel proud lol. 

that's the story of the sunday before the first week of exam. this is the story of the sunday before the second week of exam. i don't even, whatever. luckily it all happened on sundays, haha.

after it happened i already wrote something about it, but i lost what i wrote. must have deleted it by accident. ok i typed it fine. i have bad handwriting okay. so can't copy paste it here. yeah i'm gonna blog about something old and the feeling is not gonna be fresh. but oh well. yeah i cheat, i sometimes i write things somewhere else first after it happens before blogging them. like i said, i never stop writing.

okay what happened was... i woke up sunday morning. grabbed my phone, as usual. i received a very long text. one of an apology. i literally just open my eyelids and the bright screen was blinding in the dark and i had to take time to digest what's going on. then i got it. i smiled. then i performed subuh. and i cried.

then i felt mad.

you don't get to make me feel shitty and send an apology. you don't get to make me sad then say sorry. you don't get to be the reason why i was unhappy, then having to cope with these changes, then when i've accepted it months later you said you miss me. i miss you too. but that doesn't make up for it at all.

you don't get to leave and then come back. nobody gets to do that to me. nobody.

you want to hug me? i feel like punching you instead for what you put me through.

no, i don't want to be rational now although i am one of the most rational people i know. i want to let it out. i want to let it go. it's not about me not doing it too and being ego. this is about you. i appreciate you making the first step but this is not about giving you praise. this is about you letting months pass. you have no idea what i felt whatsoever. because you didn't want to listen when i tried to tell you.

i've accepted my place, i've adapted to change, and i think things will never be the same.

it will be awkward and weird. and just. different.

there.

i don't know if i felt this because it still hurts, or because i was just still mad or sad.

there's a difference.

about one week after i blog about being unhappy, i stopped being unhappy.

one day, you just stop feeling sad.

you start being mad.

being mad is better than feeling sad.

then one day, you stop being mad.

you stop feeling anything.

that's the best kind of being.

i really felt better. i didn't give a shit. and it felt good. but receiving that text, reminds me of feeling shitty.

okay. i don't know if what i wrote earlier is any similar to this. however. what i wrote that sunday, i wrote before going to sleep that night, or going back to sleep that day. i don't remember. but what i remember was i had a dream right after writing it. weird dream. about what i had not dreamt in a long time. it had nothing to do with what i wrote. it was a dream about a different subject. but maybe... the same theme.

i remembered having that dream only after one hour of waking up. did you know that most of our dreams are forgotten right after we wake up? i considered it a luck, so i wrote about the dream in detail, like i sometimes do. did you know that few people dream in black and white? i always remember my dream, but i never notice in what colour it is. but that day, i realized i dream in colour. because in that dream, i saw the colour blue.

blue. among all colours. like it shines right through.

i think that was the second dream which made me realize i dream in colour. the first dream was about three or four years ago. but it might not be legit because the colour which was the highlight was white.

it was about the same subject though.

sigh. 

so that was my trial report. bitch and babe. because blogging about how i did for each subject would be a bore. ok i did that a few years ago. but really i don't know what my fate is this time. i guess it's not going to be as good as last sem's final exam.

but i will get better for the real alevel. in one month and two weeks. insyaallah. bismillah.