I Realize I'm 20 So I Talk About Spouses, How to Spouse and stuffs

apparently i've reached the point in life where people start to ask about..... having somebody.

friends ask it, that's normal. but for mama's friends to ask? to mama herself?? then she tells you "i've told you so"??? you know you've reached that age. i think it's too early. not for me. but for people to give a crap. too early to be asked by old people. when i found out about it i was surprised, because, why???

whenever mama's friends say something to me, i say "makcik ni cakap je banyak tapi takde anak laki ke cucu ke nak offer tak guna jugak"... in my heart. and to my mom. then i laugh cos i'm so funny ain't i? who wouldn't want a menantu liddis?? who laughs at her own jokes??? :""D

of course i'm not serious. arranged marriage and set up spouse is so not me. but i could try lolol. rest assured i'm not like this in front of people. only with mom, close friends, and keretapi. muah. in real life, i'm... shy :3

mama never asks about it. i like mama. she didn't ask then, "sekolah lagi jangan menggatal/tunggu masuk u dulu/bila dah kerja ramai lagi ada" she doesn't ask now, "ada sesape tak/baik bawak jumpa drpd diam2/baik depan mata drpd belakang2" phewh. i always asked why you never asked me. do you trust me? or you just don't think i'm capable of doing that? what an insult! lulz. because i've got friends whose mom say these stuffs. ada dulu tak kasi kawan rapat sikit dengan laki langsung, ada sekarang suruh kawen je kalau dah ada orang. both would be a pressure to me. maybe my mom thinks i'd tell her if i have anything to tell her, considering the rate at which i show her my crushes. mom, crushes are different from serious ones. maybe my mom thinks i won't cross the line and i know to take care of myself, that's what she told me when i was still in school and asked her about that. asalkan jangan lebih2 katanya. ok beres, loool. it works for me. cos i'm a nice girl and can be trusted. capable or incapable alike and aside hew hew.

my mom trusts me. love u mama. u wont regret it. i wont elope or something. if i do, i'll bring u :')

am i really 20? i don't feel like it. my brothers definitely don't see it. but my mom wants me to feel like one, and sees me like one. she tells me to do things twenty-year-olds should do, including... this. not getting into details here. but yeah. bye. she never asks, but now she talks about it. many times... i can talk to her, ask her anything, joke around. it's fun, but freaky haha. the first time she said "umur doploh mmg dah patut ada dah pun", i was like gurlll, who are you and what have you done to my momma?!

mama's only saying that because it should take years to get to know somebody before you marry them. i wanted seven years. now i'm 20... dont wanna be married at 27 so i'll cut down the numbers haha. it's not like she wants me to get married now, so i don't have to be worried of mom telling me to marry somebody i don't want to or when i don't want to. it all depends on me hehe. mama aint no mak drama melayu k.

when i was 18, she told me to start praying for a good spouse. the first time i did was when i did my umrah, it was at masjid nabawi, my first time praying there when i was crying tears and snots. i prayed about everything i could pray for. i prayed to make the right decisions in life, cos i'm so indecisive and i'm always afraid of taking the wrong turn and having to return and redo, so i prayed about choosing the right pathway, the right course, the right university, the right career, the right spouse - who's this and that. but only then it was only like a sub unit not the main topic.

now at 20, she tells me not to just pray but do something about it. you see, i'm the type of person who won't pray for what i don't feel. i am at the point in life which i feel nothing, thus i don't feel the need to pray about that thing. i know that's good but i've just got many other things to pray for right now. takde masa la nak doa jodoh ni banyak lagi benda nak doa, i always say. there's just no feel in the prayers if there's no feel in the heart. aww. not that i never did, so i know the difference. between praying with a cause and praying just because. i'll wait till the time comes to pray, the time comes when i have to pray. i'll know when, it's when i don't know. that's just me, i don't even pray for my own good health. when it's vital, but i just don't see it in long term. i know that's bad but hey, i never not pray for my mom's good health and etc etc etc so i guess that's make up for it right? two in one. the angels are praying for me too insyaallah hehe. ama's so lazy.

when i told her about friends who have "friends", she'd say mesti dorang doa, sebab tu perjalanan hidup lancar, senang je dapat cepat je jumpa. ma doakanla! i'm too lazy to pray for my own jodoh for god's sake. like i said, i have other things to pray for. but that doesn't mean i do or only think about the things i say in my prayers, it just means what is not included in the prayers, is not important enough at the moment. we can do everything though, we've just got to prioritize. stok2 yang awek kena no 1 sentiasa ni mohon clash je lah k.

i'm old school and new school too. i'm conservative but also liberal. i'm both traditional and modern.

love me or hate me, that's the true story.

i agree with going to see wali before you're getting down on one knee. but if you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me. guys have to get green light from other girls' parents to get the girl but with me i give the green light to get to the parents. so much girl power here. but that's just me lah. other girls you can break the door and threat the wali into marrying you both right at that moment for all i care lol.

why? because i'm not getting myself into any awkward situation. if i were a guy, i wouldn't want it either. imagine myself as a guy. i wouldn't want to go meet the girl's parents, despite not having enough guts telling myself to get some nerves, believing that it will all work out for the best, then finding out from the parents that i got rejected. wanna make it worse? get myself rejected in front of my parents. or if i'm that goody two shoes to just send my parents to do the talking, to have them tell me about the rejection. imagine them putting their hands on your shoulders looking in your eyes saying "naw son". donno about you, but i'm the better-off-disappointed-alone kinda guy. erm, girl.

why don't guys and girls just get awkward themselves first, because getting the family involved straightaway is just embarrassing. if you're too even goody two shoes you can't talk to each other, consider sending letters or using a trusted middle person to pass the message as simple as this

"can i see your wali and get a yes?"

"can."

see, simple! awkwardness averted! heartbreak (in front of elders) spared!

ni dah berkias berpantun bermadah bagai siap bawak kaum kerabat pastu kena reject, lol.

in my ideal imagination both sides already know the answer. talk to each other first, then talk to your parents. see what they say. they can discuss when the parents meet. discussion is good, even if it's not in your favour. way much better than a rejection, right? to me, we're living right here and now, so it's realistic and practical. the parents meet just to make it formal, if it is to be made official. the parents can still meet just for the sake of it, once you at least know where it's going even if you don't know how and when. it's informal and fun. if you don't think it will be, then restrain from introducing the parents and wait until you really have to, haha.

another thing is about chaperoning. i once chaperoned two awkward people, leaving me awkward in the middle. because it was their first time. at least me being there was not as awkward as it would have been with family! imagine meeting for the first time or going out at early stage with family, when you yourselves are awkward enough without your family interfering and just making things more awkward cos they are family. right???... or is it just me. cos i have the last child syndrome and inferiority complex or something....

i'm awkward with my own family, sooo *shrugs. i guess it's best to be chaperoned by somebody who knows you well, cool enough, yet knows the boundary. no matter who that is, doesn't always have to be family. like me. i'm perfect. why? no, not why i'm perfect. do you really have to ask, lolololulz. why are people like me the perfect chaperons? and people like me need the perfect chaperons? because we weirdos have weird families. apart from my mom, my family don't know much about me besides what they have to know, you know, like where i live or what age i am. although my brothers used to be confused, but i guess that would do that they knew i was a girl. hm. apart from my mom, i don't talk much to my family besides what they have to know, you know, like what i studied. although my brother asked me if i was going to fly overseas in my 3rd semester of alevel, but at least he asked. hm. no, he was not wrong. that's a really good question. of course i wanted to, but was i going to? deep there.

but let's just stick to marriage thingies shall we cos we've covered that topic in the previous post and i wanna chill.

how are you supposed to have that deeper conversation with the potential spouse in front of the person whom you've never had deeper conversation with?

i feel like if i ever, when pigs fly, had my brothers chaperoned me, it would be more of a session in which they were the ones who would get to know me. such a pity when i'm so fly in the outside world, sigh~

but of course, my brothers would never chaperon me. they would never let me see somebody. they would never let me get married. not that i never did hahahah. i mean, not the married part. it's hard when babah's not around. for a lot of reasons, but in this area it's particularly harder. i bet if babah was still here he wouldn't mind. after all, he and mama got the coolest parents award, remember? cool in a controlled way, cey. if babah was here, there would only be one obstacle. babah and mama were one unit. they could discuss and decide. when angah wanted to get married at 21, babah just let him but mama let in her thoughts first. girls. but he got married anyway. now, babah's not here. i've got 5 obstacles. mom and third brother are cool though. i said to mama "how do you expect me to bring anybody home, with them, at home?"

that's why we prefer to not do it at home, lol, i mean bring the matters to family's concern.

bro 1, this is the same mom when you brought your girlfriend you met in US when we were in UK having a family trip. bro 2, this is the same mom you asked to bring your girlfriend to stay at home every school holiday because she lives faraway. bro 3, this is the same mom whom you showed your girlfriend to during your solat hajat pmr, but u cool so ok. bro 4, this is the same mom when you had all your girlfriends since forever till the end of your single life. i don't know what you guys call them back then but don't think i don't know. jadi jangan jadi poyo. my mom said ala biar je, mana tau dorang tak kasi. sebab dorang poyo sejak azali maaa.

cos my brothers weren't so innocent, maybe they think every guy is the same, like them. muahahah. so they don't trust anybody with..... male genes. so unfair for me tsk. but my mom, she got babah who was super nice the ultimate good guy but never cowardice, so she thinks, despite saying nobody can be like babah, that males generally are like babah. maybe my parents just got the cool genes and my bros don't. something about recessive alleles or something, idk. bye bio. 

so i say, it's not going to work if you ask their family members about them or get their family members to chaperon you, if the family doesn't really know the person. it happens.

why i'm rambling about this is because i feel, not all old ways suit the modern days. of course, you don't have to abandon all, you've just got to modify it a bit. plus, all those stuffs about asking parents for one's hand in marriage or asking family about one's self, solely, was necessary only because people back then don't know each other!!! how else are you going to talk to a girl if the girl doesn't talk to guys and only stays at home? now, even girls who stay at home have internet. loool.

well, if you still choose the meet the parents first then only talk after you're wedded, good for you, you goody two shoes.

i'm also rambling because i just talked to my mother about this. as usual, she only listens while she does her things. besides that, i'm in the process of assisting somebody with my expertise to woo... women. i realize it's not easy either, the games people these days play. you've gotta have tactics and strategies and breaks and plans and backup plans. i feel my brain cells connecting, what a wingwoman. i don't always get to put my skills into practice, but when i do it's for helping a friend. sigh. dude if she falls for you, she falls for me. i'm so smooth and subtle and most importanly, syara' compliant *wink. hahahaha

anyway, despite me being so bajet talking about marriage so poyo, i think i'll end up an old maid.

it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

ok i'm out, bye.

The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013

2013 was not a good year for me. it was worse than other years, for some reasons. but i still thank God because it was not my worst year yet. it only takes a reason for a year to be the worst, and i will always pray to God to not make it happen. 2013 ending without being the worst year was enough for me to be thankful for.

but that doesn't make the troubles in the three any less.

i write, you know. i'm always writing. even if i don't post it anywhere or share it with anyone. i'm always thinking, typing on my phone, writing on any paper i could get my hands on. 2013 witnessed how i write a lot but with nobody to witness what it's about. there are confidential tumbr texts, unpublished blog posts, saved phone notes, crumpled torn papers... because there is no other way to let it out.

i was lost throughout the year about one thing or another, but at one point i was lost about everything all at once. i was lost academically, socially, personally... you name it. it was not the fault of the year. maybe it was the time, or the place. i don't know.

these are some of the notes in my phone.

-"this is the place where i cry the most for the most reasons. i cry because of my friends, my studies, my family, i even cry for being alone, which i never did before. i cried easily, but i wasn't much of a cry baby. i wasn't really a grown up kid calling their mother because they are about to burst. when i cried, i cried alone. i don't remember ever being this emotionally vulnerable. i would cry because of family reasons the most when i was a kid. that's the only other time i cried this often to my mom. when i was 13 i cried the most because of peers issues. that's the only other time i cried to my mom over the phone. when i was 17 i cried the most because of a broken heart... i didn't cry to her at all lol. these are some examples of my different stages of being the most affected by different reasons. i guess everyone has their own phase and pace. their own theme of life at a certain age. but now, at freaking 19? i cry for all reasons at the same time, or one right after another. i cry for everything or nothing at all. at 19 i become the kid who cried to her mom once upon a time. she's actually surprised. my mom said isn't college supposed to be fun? isn't college life the time when people have the most fun? don't people at this age study what they like and have fun with their friends, having the time of their lives?

yes, i do, but i also don't, so, no, mother."

-"i think and feel all the time. i write about it most of the times. i blog about it sometimes.

i guess i've felt it all - being the average jane, the valedictorian, the failure. and even then my scale of each is different than that of another person. my average is not really average, and my failure is not really a failure. but enough to make me feel what one is supposed to feel. enough because that's what i feel on my own scale. Allah let me feel it all and see the different reactions and treatments people give me. the valedictorian gets a lot more than the average jane does and the failure gets the least. at least now, i kinda understand."

-"i can't tell this to anybody here because they either are better, or in a situation worse than i am."

it feels like drowning. no light, no air. you're breathless, hopeless. it sucks the life out of you, but you won't die. you just don't die. you keep on drowning. it is one of the worst things to feel. i was feeling this for months.

perhaps for now i should just talk about how i was lost academically, because it involved no other human being and so no heart will get hurt. i think it will help some people out there, as i've told this story to two people and they almost and actually cried. perhaps that is only because they are also the two people who get me the most, and they were also in a situation that they could relate to. another person actually told me to blog about it, so i didn't need to retype it again and again, so here, once and for all.

they happened to contact me after i posted this on fb:

what i learnt firsthand today:
1. never give up. you don't know if you just need to give it a little bit more.
2. keep moving. no matter how paralyzed you are. a step might result in a leap.
3. get the eff up. you've gotta fall to rock bottom once in a while too.
4. do it your way. everybody's got their own style and yours will take you there.
5. have hope always. even when depressed. you're not a loser until you lose faith. 

we know these things. but we don't understand it until we experience it ourselves :)

flashback to sem 2 result. even before i got the result i was already stressed out. i was stressed out as soon as i was done with maths papers. i knew how bad i did and how much i did not do. i was depressed throughout the sem break, knowing that luck couldn't save me this time. even worse when the result was out. i knew i had it coming but for it to be confirmed was just a whole new feeling. i almost got kicked out. i almost had to start over. can you imagine what would happen to us? scholars who did not pass the 12 cut off point. even when you're one short. even when you aced everything else but sucked at one subject.

but prayers were said and meetings were held and deals were made, we got another chance. it's crazy when your future depends on just one thing and that thing happens to be what you hate. i took a supplementary paper and my math improved one grade. it was so close that one careless mistake could have cost it. so close that it was a miracle indeed. i got a second chance. i still sucked at math, but at least i was safe. many were not. some had to make a new deal and stay with a price or choose to leave, some just had no choice but leave. stumbled halfway along the journey we started together to a dream we shared at the start.

but i didn't feel safe, i started to question the journey, doubting my dream. the first half of sem 3 i was just lost. i literally thought i made a mistake. by going to intec. everybody seemed so smart and then there's me. what made me feel shittier was my course. my lifelong dream course was my first choice but not theirs. some of them couldn't take what they wanted or didn't know what to take so they took social science instead. it's like their accidental decision, or a back up plan. because they couldn't see themselves taking pure science like they did in high school, or couldn't carry the subjects. but me? i dig pure science. i did well. i could have taken medic if i wanted to, i might not be able to carry it with the commitment and discipline and sacrifices i must make, but the point is i could have gone to medic school. yet, here i am, because it's my FIRST CHOICE. and yet, there i was, lost. and they were doing so much better than me when i at least had to be on the same level. is it possible to be stupider and slower? social science subjects are just not me. they are different than what i was used to. i did not know how to study. i could not accept the differences. i felt so helpless. i went out of class whenever i couldn't take it which was often, or just sat with tears in my eyes while everyone around me was busy digesting what i had troubles swallowing. i broke down at the stupidest things like when my friend said his girlfriend was smart and good at maths and i felt stupid and i just went out and cried alone stupidly. i spent days staring at the whiteboard and nights staring at the sky.

i questioned everything. did i make the right choice? is this what i'm supposed to do? should i have listened to my mom instead? should i leave when this was what i wanted? should i stay when this isn't working out? how was it easy to get 10 A's when it's hard to get even 1 A now? is this an obstacle or a sign?


do you know what it feels like when you've got what you wanted and worked for for 11 freaking years and suddenly you feel like quitting? it's stupid to quit. not when i was so close to getting it. so i didn't.

i have to share this because this is based on a true story. here is my wall of shame after years of walk of fame:

first sem i got 13. ABB. my only and always A was of course the only subject i like, psychology.
second sem i got 11. ABD. D for maths. i got another chance which changed it to C and gave me 12.
the day i checked my third sem result, i couldn't believe my eyes.....
i got 14! AAB. B for maths! and the first time i got A for economics! 

welcome to a-level. the advance level of education so deep that even 3 A's aren't easy to reach. the deepest level of hell. maybe because i hate maths and only tolerate economics. but in high school i also only tolerated everything and it wasn't a problem. so it's true that social science is harder than pure science, at least to me. maybe it's just me, or not. it has been known how it's common for seniors to get below 10 in internal exams but get more than 12 in the external exam. i hope that's the case for me too.


as for this case, alhamdulillah.... i know i got lucky, maybe the question papers weren't that hard and the format made it seem easy and the marking schemes were in our favour. it didn't make me comfortable to get 14, but it sure was a huge relief. it was nothing compared to the real a-level exam, but it motivates me to try and get 15. just because i got 14 now it doesn't mean i can even get 14 this sem, but it restored my faith in myself. it didn't prove my capability, but i proved the possibility. i don't let achievements get to me. other people's achievements don't bring me down, my achievements don't fly me high. but i know i need to work on not letting my failures get to me instead, like it did.


i knew i did better, but i never thought i would get 14. all i did was study for a couple of hours a few days earlier. all i did was study during the study week i wasted two sems before. the study week wasn't even spent the way it should be spent but at least a couple of hours a day were spent studying. i just gave it a lil bit more, and i got more. that tells me what i am capable of if i just study from the start this last sem and oh i hope i do. besides that, i adapted myself. i'm getting used to how to study social science subjects. and in high schools i didn't do past year papers because i didn't like studying using past year papers. apparently in a-level that is all that matters, so i stopped being stubborn and in sem 3 i started studying that way. but i believe i improved also because i studied the way i used to study. in sem 2 i studied with people because people be like you should study in groups if you don't it's your lost it's the best and whatever well guess what? not everyone studies the same way and not every mind works the same way!

it was my fault to change my study method. to hell with what people say! every individual is unique, you can't expect everyone to be made for the same goddamned tips. my advice is you're old enough to know what's best for you, so do what's best for you not what people tell you to, even if it's how you should study or eat or sleep or live. just because i study on my own it doesn't make me want to succeed alone. don't call me selfish just because i self-study. that's what i've been doing my whole life, since i didn't really focus in school and never went to tuition class and didn't have a tutor so i ended up figuring things out all by myself. i was a daily school student for 11 years and i wasn't used to studying in groups. i can study with people and help my friends if i actually know what i'm learning and teaching them about. and that is when i have studied it myself.

do it your way. you know what to do and how to do it, so now do it more to get more.


i almost gave up. but i didn't. and i got more than i could hope for.

so, yes. getting 14 was the inspiration behind that fb status of mine :)

2014 is the year.
this is it.


what i want is what keeps me going. what do i want now?

i want to go to somewhere new. i want to meet new people. people who don't have anything to do with my hometown or my college, because the world is awfully small. i want to explore the world and travel to places. i want to leave everything and everyone behind. i'll never want to leave mama but i've been wanting to leave since as far as i can remember. i want to go to a place where nobody knows me, but i will get to know them. i am free. i am not chained to anything or anyone anymore. it is strange to no longer be chained. but a good kind of strange. the kind which makes you free. free to find other reasons to be happy.

but of course, i will always be chained to home :)

if there's such a thing as alternate luck, i sure hope 2014 is a lucky year for me, just as how 2012 was.

2013 was not a good year for me. Sem 3 was not a good sem for me. But i sure hope sem 4 will be better. I so wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

Many have left and will leave Malaysia for US, Canada, Australia, leaving most of us the last to leave for UK. May all of us make it, amin.

Please pray for us, ok? :)

Memula L Lepastu P, Apa Dia Jika Anda Bijak Bestari?

akhirnya........

aku............................

dah.......................................

DAPAT LESEN WEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

hekeleh budak ni, orang lain dah setahun dua dah dapat lesen, hekeleh hokaloh. eh suka hati aku laa nak gembira pun! ujian komputer ngan test jpj dua-dua lulus sekali buat je! takyah ulang-ulang! alhamdulillah!

a year late wouldn't hurt right? hehe

masa aku baru masuk 17 tahun, berkobar gila nak ambik lesen. birthday aku kan agak awal  berbanding kengkawan lain. bapak best kalau aku dapat lesen dulu weeee. tapi aku kenal sangat diri sendiri. takde maknanya aku nak ikut kelas memandu sume masa aku ada kelas sekolah. cuti hujung minggu dan cuti seminggu dua harrommm diganggu. so aku ingat nak ambik pas SPM je la.

tapi pas SPM aku sedar aku taknak ambik awal-awal. kenapa? sebab semua orang nak ambik awal-awal. kalau aku pergi kelas memandu, sama je macam aku pergi kelas sekolah. mesti penuh ngan muka-muka yang aku kenal. muka-muka yang ada aku tak nak jumpa lagi. cukupla. i had had enough of school and some people already. lama-lama dah tak heran dah pasal driving ni. makin malas adela.

boleh tak aku taknak ada driving license?

aku nak ada driver je. mengada.

tetiba dah masuk belajar balik. tapi nak tak nak, kena buat lesen la jugak kan. lagi lambat lagi malas. makin lama makin busy. semangat aku nak buat lesen datang setiap kali aku nak kuar berjimba tapi takde driver. sobs. and dari kecik memang aku suka dok atas kete ke bas ke lelama sebab aku suka berangan, berfikir atau kedua-duanya sekali. aku bayangkan besar nanti aku boleh drive sendiri so bila aku nak cari ketenangan bolehla aku membawa diri. takyah gi memana, dok atas jalan je. aku kan spesis rebel nak escape la nak breakaway laa. 

so bulan 12 tahun lepas, seminggu sebelum masuk sem 2, aku ambik ujian komputer. nampak tak betapa malasnya aku kat situ? dan sekarang, seminggu sebelum masuk sem 3 baru aku ambik test jpj. nasib baiklah dua-dua test last minit ni terus lulus, takyah ulang. kalau tak tah bila la pulak aku nak dapat P nanti.

memula aku nak cikgu perempuan. sebab tu jugak aku lambat daftar, sebab memilih benar. takdela, aku tau aku camne. mesti janggal je. padahal aku ada 4 abang yang semuanya lelaki dewasa, tapi awkward ama is still awkward. tah pape je. lagi satu aku tau aku akan jadi bimbo masa belajar drive nanti. tergelak-gelak sebab cuak. mesti ada terpekik sikit. terayu sikit, eh. tak best la berbimbo depan laki en. kalau kengkawan takpe, mungkin aku berbimbo tu dah biasa bagi mereka. kalau laki tua pangkat pakcik pun takpe, ni yang agak muda kena panggil abang yang susah sikit. abang-abang aku pun aku tak panggil abang. ew. haha. aku panggil orang abang masa aku dok setahun kat mrsm je, ngan sepupu-sepupu aku. sebab tu jugakla aku malas nak kawan ngan laki tua sikit walaupun setahun dua, kalau aku tak berabang tapi berkau aku nanti dorang ingat aku kurang ajar pulak kannn. lainla kalau kita ada persetujuan macam aku ngan sorang ni. dari mespes bawak ke fesbuk, dah 5 tahun kawan. ha tu ok. eh banyak cite lak kau hahah. 

akhirnya kami jumpa satu syarikat memandu kepunyaan seorang makcik, yeay! kawan aku belajar ngan makcik ni. tapi tetiba hari daftar... anak laki dia yang ajarkan. wat. pasrah jelah. tapi aku malas nak berhubung dengan dia, mak aku je jadi medium. dia takde number aku, aku takde number dia. mak aku pun faham aku ni pelik semacam sikit. sebab kami sesama pelik hew hew like mother like daughter laaa.

nasib baik abang tu baik. bila aku dapat P aku macam nak tunjuk penghargaan dekat dia. aku nak cakap "terima kasih sangat bang omg abang tau tak saya noob gila bab driving ni first time saya pegang stereng tahu mana gear mana hand break mana segala jadah benda apa nak buat semua abang yang ajar tau omg memang start from zero tapi sekarang saya dah boleh drive dah dapat P dengan sekali ujian je you're the best lah terima kasih banyak banyak!!!" tapi kali terakhir aku kuar dari kereta dia masa dia hantar aku, aku cakap terima kasih je. cam biasa. lol. segan la ai nak suarakan penghargaan.

tapi serious. terharu la pulak. teringat first class aku bawak kete. "betul ke bang? saya langsung tak pernah drive ni" berapa banyak kali termati enjin. masalah utama aku masa baru belajar drive ialah kaki aku. in fact, masalah aku setiap kali aku bawak kete yang aku tak biasa. kaki aku tak reti bajet. aku rasa aku lepaskan clutch sikit je, tapi rupanya banyak. pup mati. itu paling perlahan dan paling lembut aku boleh buat. bila aku try control kaki, tak gerak-gerak pulak kete. rupanya sebab aku tak lepaskan langsung haha. frust gila masa tu ngan kaki sendiri. kaki kenapa kau tak mengerti?! 

dahlah kaki masalah, tangan pun masalah. tak larat nak angkat hand break masa atas bukit.... nangis. kalau guna kereta yang hand break ketat and kena tarik banyak kali, mesti kena guna tenaga sampai dua tangan tsk. nak turunkan pun satu hal. bila tenaga dah tertumpu kat tangan nak turunkan hand break, kaki kiri aku pun tergerak sekali maka tereffectlah clutch pastu meluncur ke belakang... tapi abang tu ajar, luruskan tangan dari bahu masa nak turunkan hand break. pastikan tumit kiri dah pasak kekuat so dia tak gerak, kalau perlu pegang lutut bagi statik. tarik nafas and tahan, barula turunkan hand break. tak berundur! kereta meluncur ke depan, aku pun melepaskan nafas lega perlahan-lahan :D

aku ni tukar gear pun semacam sikit. dia salu kata aku tak tukar smoothly. siap pernah cakap "janganla ganas sangat, awak tu perempuan"..... k. kalau abang nak tau, kaki dan tangan saya memang sukar dikawal! mereka ada otak sendiri! serius! tu la timbul tabiat tak beragak bila tampar orang tutup pintu semua. rasa cam lembut je sekali bunyi kuat gila. merah muka orang yang ditampar. nak tertanggal pintu segala.

rupanya masalah kaki tak reti bajet aku ni merupakan masalah genetik. bapak aku mengalami masalah sama. sebab tu bapak aku tak drive. aku pelik jugak kenapa ngan bapak aku ni. askar dah keluar masuk hutan buat macam-macam, businessman dah keliling dunia, tapi satu benda dia tak buat ialah drive. pegi memana pun Cik Din drivekan. tapi babah tak pernah duduk belakang. tu tanda hormat dia pada Cik Din :') sekarang baruku memahami babah. sobs. masalahnya Cik Din dah tak jadi driver lagi. terpaksala aku berdikari.

"ma kalau ayu taknak drive boleh tak? laki ayu drivekan. so kenala ade laki. hihihi" sempaaaaaat.

tak cukup ngan genetik kaki babah, aku jugak mewarisi genetik takut mama. hahaha. masa dia muda je dia drive jauh-jauh. sekarang tak lagi, takut katanya. sebab tu la orang kena paham kalau nak harapkan mak aku drive, radius kawasan yang aku boleh sampai kecik je sebenarnya. banyak sangat kete ngan traffic light dia cakap, lolol. yelah dulu bukan semua orang ade kete. sekarang dak pas SPM pun nak ada kete en? sebelum test jpj aku suruh mama teman aku drive kat sekitar taman ni je, tu pun dia takut. lebih kepada tak mempercayai kebolehanku sebenarnya hm. aku boleh je drive toyota mak aku yang lebar tu. pernah je. takde la langgar memana... oh mungkin sebab masa tu aku drive kat empty parking lot. lol.

patutlah aku camni rupanya, bisikku dalam hati. haha. plot twist: abang keempat aku takde lesen pun! dia dah drive sejak dia form 1, curi bawak kete mak aku malam-malam. mama kata nanti pagi esoknya tengok kete lain macam sikit posisi. tak lain tak bukan anak jantan dia ah ni. tapi abang aku, macam aku, pemalas. so genetik pemalas aku dari dia pulak. omg what is this family hahaha. dia malas nak gi kelas bagai. so dia takde lesen. dia pun tak suka drive. selama ni dia drive sebab perlu je, maksudnya kalau setakat nak gi lepak memana tu kengkawan dia datang ambik. plot twist kedua: abang ketiga aku tak ambik driving test tapi ada lesen! waaaaat. lepas SPM dia terus fly, takyah tunggu result, so tak sempat ambik test jpj. dia belajar drive sikit ngan mak aku. kat US dia ingat dia kena test, sekali terus dapat driving permit. balik mesia tukar jela jadi lesen. best gilaaa. abang kedua aku pulak first time fail, second time baru lulus. abang pertama lulus first time on his 16th birthday, tu zaman lesen kete boleh ambik umur 16. lihatlah betapa zaman dia dah lama berlalu. ok tetiba cite pasal family aku pulak dah kenapa kan, ish.

sambung cerita pasal aku. eh mestila nama pun blog aku daaaaa~

satu hari tu seperti biasa aku tunggu abang tu sampai. dia sampai aku pun terus pusing pegi belah passenger's seat, tapi dia dok situ sambil sengih. ternganga. terkejut. sebab aku cuak, aku pun gelak. "hahaha betul ke ni bang hahaha" sambil masuk belah driver's seat. "hahaha tapi saya tak pernah drive kat jalan serius ke ni hahaha" sambil duduk. serius saspen. aku tau aku kena jugak drive kat jalan nanti, tapi takdela aku sangka first time aku drive dari lembah keramat ke cheras! walawehhh. but i'm still alive and i'm still in one piece, phewh haha. dah lama sikit mula terasa wah cool siaa aku drive, bestnya wah wah, nak-nak kat highway. boleh laju kan. takyah fikir memacam. aku pun tak caye aku selamat sampai dengan jayanya. family aku ape tah lagi. "tererla ayu" oh time kasih. memang terer pun, cuma tak tunjuk je ketereran tersebut. dan dan.

3 Julai 2013, tibalah hari ujian memandu jpj. cantik gak tarikh aku pilih. ni baru test jpj, if you know what i mean *wink hahaha

malam sebelum tu sebelum tido aku bayangkan apa aku kena buat. bayangkan jalan yang kena drive, lorong mana, tunggu berapa saat before gerak kat traffic light, dahlah ada banyak traffic light pulak tu pfft, belok mana, bila nak signal nak tukar gear bagai. aku dahlah tak berapa hafal berapa kali kena pusing stereng masa parking sume. ikut suka hati instinct aku je. kalau lupa, kuar kepala tengok tayar. silap takpe, time prektis abang tu betulkan keh keh. mesti dia tensi ngan aku asyik silap pusing je padahal dia siap message skema jawapan step parking, step three point turn. malam sebelum tu baru aku hafal typical ama tolongla pls. tapi skema dia pun ada tak lengkap. so aku google... tapi step kat internet ngan step dia ajar lain!!! OMG. ok lek, sebab abang tu cakap "abang ajar memang untuk lulus terus" so inilah ramuan rahsia yang orang lain tak tahu hehe. kot-kotla aku lupa skema, aku prektis guna jari bentukkan pergerakan kereta kalau aku pusing tayar hala ni, dia pegi mana, berapa kali, dia senget mana. ama's logic lol. 

bangun pagi tu rasa nak ambik spm pun tak takut camni. tak sanggup kena ulang kalau fail. ulang kelas,  ulang proses cuak, ulang test, ulang bayar. tolong aaa aku dah rasa cukup kekecewaan minggu ni. aku taknak rasa benda sama lagi. biarla aku hepi jap. i didn't want to have to deliver two bad news, don't be that loser in a row, don't be a double failure, just don't. so i told myself. cuak nak mams i tell ya.

aku sesi 1, number 51. pak cik yang jaga turn ujian litar menakutkan. main tengking je kalau orang tersilap jalan ke tak dengar arahan ke apa heh. tolonglah jangan downkan semangat orang yang memang tengah tak cukup semangat ni. tapi bila turn aku masuk kete, baik pulak dia. aku pun jawab jela dia tanya pape pastu senyum, dia kata jangan takut sume aku gelak je. lek la sikit at least ye dak.

tunggu turn sampai dah hilang nervous. memang tak nervous sangat dah. tapi kereta aku nauzubillah. nazak dah. sebelum pape aku test dulu hand break... great. tak dapat rasa pun berapa kali dia naik bila angkat. takde click, click click, terus krekkk. nanti aku angkat jela sedaya mampu harap cukupla nak stay atas bukit tu. pastu bila start enjin, mati. start mati. start mati. TAK LAWAK DOH APAHAL NGAN KERETA NI. even sampai turn aku nak naik pun still mati lagi. bila dah sampai atas tu, pegawai jpj kata ok and boleh turun. aku pun kira - straight, pasak, tarik nafas, hand break, and kete meluncur ke depan.... lega gilaaa!

tip: ucaplah terima kasih kepada setiap pegawai jpj atau pak cik mak cik yang membantu. yes some of them could use some work etiquette or common manners.... tapi dorang muka ketat sebab penat. setiap minggu kena uruskan umat manusia yang sama ramai. thank you is the least thing we could say. a lil appreciation goes a long way :)

bila dah drive cam biasa from bukit tu baru lek sikit takde terbenti lagi enjin. i said to myself - you could actually see my mouth moving and it's not something usual as usually i would rather think to myself - "you can do this ama, you can do this. don't screw up ok." masa aku tunggu turn bukit aku, aku tengok orang lain test parking jugak. ada sorang bro jpj ni. dia nampak rilek dan tak nampak macam perhati sangat apa orang buat. aku terus aim dia. aku dah lama perhati kau, kau tunggu jap hahaha. alhamdulillah, aku rasa parking and three pointer aku perfect. perghhh. kete lurus, dalam kotak, tak langgar line, takyah adjust tayar masa bergerak, ikut je step, just nice lah. terima kasih skema jawapan abang tu heheh.

maka luluslah ujian litar aku! weeeeeeeee! :D

masa untuk drive on the road. aku dah alert dah so bila kena panggil aku terus pergi, takdela makcik tu nak mengamuk kat aku. aku kesian akan mangsa-mangsanya. sampai turn aku tunggu untuk masuk kete. ada satu kete tu dah park lama gak kat situ, tapi pegawai jpjnya takde. bila kete lain sampai, aku target kete tu la. tengok je, tunggu budak yang test tu kuar. rupanya pegawai jpj yang tinggalkan kete tu tadi dah sampai and panggil aku tapi aku tak perasan. "yang awak termenung tu kenapa?" dia tanya. "takdela hihi" lol. tengok dia pun boleh tau dia lek. muka tak ketat, cara cakap pun ada humour sikit. phewhhh. aku takut je dapat pegawai yang muka kerek pakai shades segala senyum sikit pun takde. ada sorang pegawai pompuan camni, terus aku harap dapat laki. sebab lain ialah aku rasa... aku boleh cuba buat muka comel dan berunding dengan dia kalau aku di ambang kegagalan. hahaha. ep don't judge, kita kena ada strategi okk.

masuk aku kasi salam sume. serta merta tau it's not going to be that bad, pegawai wise. i've heard stories of pegawai, which aren't that pretty. tapi dia suka saiko orang. heh.

dia: ni apa bawak slow-slow ni

aku: slow eh (padahal abang tu ajar bawak slow dekat kawasan sempit dengan masa nak belok taww)

dia: laju sikit, ha laju lagi takyah takut-takut

aku: er ok... terima kasih (?)

dia: bawak kete pun nak ayu-ayu lagi

aku: ........

dia: takyah ayu-ayu, ganas sikit! laju!

aku: mana ada ayu

dia: ya bawak pun alahai lembutnya ayunya

aku: dah terbiasa (LOL YOU WANT ME SASSY? HERE COMES SASSY)

dia: duduk sebelah boyfriend tak nervous, duduk sebelah abang nervous pulak 

aku: (i'm not sure if i called him abang first or....) er mana ada boyfriend 

dia: betul ke takde ni (he's in his 30s btw...)

aku: betul takdeee

dia: boleh percaya ke ni

aku: haha mestila bolehh

dia: bawak punnn (perli tone noted)

aku: emm ok ke tak? gagal ke lulus? (sambil buat u-turn haha)

dia: awak rasa?

aku: lulus kott, lulus laaa

dia: gagal ni. gagal teruk gagal semua ni

aku: aaaa ye ke bang (you've gotta have a better skill at trolling with me bro)

dia: ye laaa

aku: hm ok

dia: saiko sikit dah cuak

aku: eh manade cuak. saya belajar psychology (kaitan? hahaha)

dia: tapi awak tak saiko abang pun, abang yang saiko awak

aku: saya tak salah guna saiko orang ni sumee

dan beberapa lagi episode saiko bersama beliau. episode saiko terakhir berlaku apabila telah sampai. dia tengah kasi markah pastu dia tinggalkan beberapa tempat kosong. dia tanya lulus ke gagal ni? bang kau jangan sampai aku gunakan strategi aku bang. terpaksalah aku memujuk rayu. eww hahah. tolongla bang, luluslaaa. "apa bukti awak lulus?" er... saya tak langgar pape. selamat je. pleasee. alaa bolehla bang. nanti saya takde masa nak ulang. "awak takde masa bukan masalah saya" -..- luluskan je bang, cepat bang nanti dorang tunggu lama tu. "ah biarlah saya yang uji dorang bukan dorang uji saya." nampak tak betapa lama sesi memujuk rayu tersebut? beberapa minit kemudian.... "hm lulus?" alhamdulillah terima kasih bang! "jangan terima kasih lagi tak tulis lagi ni" you don't play play with me -..- then lulus jugak atas kertas akhirnyaaa! aku rasa memang brader tu tolong aku jugak. i expected my pegawai to be the silent, suka hati kau la nak drive camne pun, strict type. but he's the opposite of that. selain tolong directly, beliau jugak tolong indirectly by loosening me up dengan sembang-sembang. aku boleh gelak-gelak lagi. memang tuah memang rezeki :)

aku cakap banyak kali terima kasih pastu blah dengan perasaan gembira, langkah ringan seringan bebanku yang tidak lagi ada~ pastu dengar banyak kali hon. makcik tu pun mulala memekik cepatla kete dah hon tu! tapi dah ada budak lain pergi kete tu.... cepatla calon seterusnya! kete hon lagi. makcik memekik lagi. pastu ada pegawai cakap "calon tadi, lupa beg" ya Allah hahaha malu gilaaa dah la ramai gila orang jadi saksi kejadian! lega sangat sampai lupa bag ye. aku ambik bag cakap sorry sengih pastu kembali ke tempat tadi ngan senyuman muka watlek watpis watkul cam takde perasaan hoh.

pastu makcik tu panggil nama, kasi result dan sticker P :"")

"time kasih makcik, time kasih" makcik tu pun elok je balas balik siap panggil ai sayang yuu :"")

aku tak bagitau sesape aku lulus ke gagal ke. masa aku call mak aku mintak number abang tu sebab nak balik, dia tanya aku tak jawab. mehehe biar seprais. nanti aku balik nak tunjuk stiker P tu je, tadaaa! mesti memula dorang ingat aku fail heheh. aku habis sebelum pukul 12 lebih camtu. abang tu datang pukul 2...... k.

aku dahlah sebenarnya ada date. date bersama hajerah pajero. memula aku set pukul 11. pastu masa tunggu ujian litar, aku cakap "make it 12." pastu masa tunggu ujian on the road, aku cakap "make it 1." aku just bagitau dia aku ada dekat somewhere buat something. takde sape selain family aku tau aku ada test jpj. even masa aku dah lulus tu dia tanya pun aku tak cakap, bajet nak buat kejutanla tetiba drive ke tempat yang dijanji cehhh. sekali lambat sejam dua kauuu. kesian ma bebi. sebab berhutang penjelasan maka dialah orang pertama yang tau aku lulus jpj test huhu.

ma bebi. sampai je terus cari tempat makan. dua dua kebuluran

aku suka pakai maggi shawl tapi bila pakai megi muka aku jadi bawang. tembam nak mam macamla ketembaman aku tak perlu ditekankan lagi tsk. sampai hazirah tetiba cubit pipi aku pastu cam "eee ama pipi awak!" .... ok sobs. tak pernah terjadi. biasanya aku je yang cubit pipi dia. cubit pastu cakap comelnyaa, awak ni comel gila, kenapa awak comel sangat, dan seangkatan dengannya. dia pun dah bosan setiap kali jumpa camni. aku pun bosan jugak tapi tak boleh selagi tak cubit tak cakap! cam tak puas tak luahkan haha.

tak cukup ngan cubit, haritu aku tertampar dia sekali. serious reflex. comel sangat macam nak tumbuk, tampar tu kira cukup baikla tu lolol. dia cakap "tangan awak pun macam kaki awak ke ama takleh bajet?!" hahaha kesian, sakit ye. that's how i show my affection, i get physical :3

telur dan bawang HAHA

dah aku sorang je boleh cakap dia comel. yang lain takyah tengok shuh jejauh

gambar pun camni ada hati nak ambik wedding photographer?! kah kah kah

tak photogenic, gambar memang camni tsk. s4dl0if3.

aku nak orang tangkap gambar aku tapi 99% aku akan delete sebab tak sanggup tengok kah kah lagi

during the failed attempt to take decent pictures of me:

"ama kenapa awak segan ngan kita ni"

"kita memang segan laa orang tangkap gambar kita"

iye. tapi kalau aku tangkap gambar sendiri takpe. malah, aku handal bab selfies ni.

my selfies are the best! da bombz! ternganga uols kang kalau tengok. jadi taklehla tunjuk :3

pftt.

Guy Friends and Strangerzone

aku kawan je dengan laki.

but i don't know why, it has been a while since aku kena fikir dulu sebelum nak berkawan. perlu ke? ada sebab? if we need to, if there's a reason, then hello!

tapi kalau tak... cam tak perlu pun sebenarnya kan. 

like i've said to a friend "you're a girl, he's a guy. you can ditch him anytime." BEFORE YOU GUYS ACCUSE ME OF BEING THE REASON WHY YOUR GIRL, OOPS, LADY FRIENDS END IT, lemme just say i utter that line only under certain circumstances. for example if a girl dah ada bakal laki, bakal laki dia tak suka sorang laki yang salu contact dia, contact yang tak perlu dan takde sebab, bukannya kau bff dia ke apa, even bff pun boundaries man, boundaries, maka wajarlah dinasihatkan sedemikan rupa.

tapi sebab aku takde bakal laki lagi (hahahaha sobs), jadi aku nasihat diri sendiri. wink sikit lol

mungkin nasihat tu bunyi kasar, tapi itulah kebenarannya. tu pun kira dah longgar dah peraturan aku ni, kalau hollier-than-thou tau mesti kata aku liar hahah. so aku kawan dengan laki yang aku kena kawan; macam kawan sekelas. aku lek je ngan classmate aku. bila dah selesa kita cam bro-bro ah takde hal lah. dan dengan laki yang aku nak kawan; macam kawan lama. zaman aku biasa dgn laki, tak fikir lagi pasal ni. tu pun berapa kerat je tinggal, kalau aku kerat jari lagi banyak daripada kawan laki aku hahaha sobs.

ye aku pernah suka member ngan laki, zaman sekolah rendah. dari zaman merempit basikal sampai zaman baru nak up hahah. tapi rasanya sekarang aku dah evolusi, cey. takdela cam dulu lagi. sekarang kalau laki nak datang rumah, sebab nak masuk minang je ok (ada ke tak nak masuk belakang kira). setakat nak beraya bagai takyah, unless ada perempuan sekali. UNLESS AKU MEMANG NAK LAYAN KAU. omg teringat ada sekali tu, zaman tidak dinyatakan, budak laki ramai nak datang rumah, tanpa perempuan. ok takpe lagi. masalahnya yang datang tu yang aku memang taknak layan. sejak bila kita jadi kawan? kau dah menyakitkan hati aku, pastu muka tak malu datang rumah aku ingat aku nak bancuh air potong ketupat untuk kau segala. eh memang tak lahhh. sentap. ok lupakan salah topik ni.

astaghfirullah sabar sabar assobru minal iman.

masalah aku sekarang aku taktau nak cakap camne. 

how to explain in a way that makes sense, and is socially acceptable? aku bukan muslimah bertudung labuh yang memang tak berkawan dengan ajnabi. berurusan sekadar perlu, takde huha huha, mata pandang kasut. aku berkawan, cuma... bersyarat. if i were that kinda girl bolehlah cakap sebab aku tak kawan ngan laki. ni tak. kalau alasan tu aku kasi, rasa munafiq betul diri ini. kang dorang tengok aku lek je ngan laki tertentu, dorang salah faham pulak. aku pun tak faham diri sendiri. katela aku ada crush, atas sebab misteri yang tak dapat difahami akalku dia nak kawan dengan aku, omagod aku taktaula camne. sekali aku ke mana peraturan ke mana. see, i don't know. that's why i don't know what to say.

please don't say i'm poyo, pilih kawan, hipokrit, bajet, saje kasi alasan and whatnot. none of it is true :( and it's not even you! it's.... me. sobs. it's not because i think i'm cooler than you, or you don't have a certain value, or you're not worthy of friendship. sometimes i think someone is cool and i like to talk to them, but i feel i shouldn't. when i get carried away i'm like, ama what have you done? you should stop! partly because when i do respond it's out of guilt and boredom, even if it is nice talking to them. that probably explains kenapa aku macam biskut. jap ade jap takde jap hot jap cold. i'm not using people! or unless you are using me, in which case i guess we're cool.

but that doesn't mean we're friends.

idk. i think the older we get, the more expensive the tittle 'friend' is.

by expensive i don't mean that my friendship comes with a price. aku tak maksudkan dorang kena keringkan poket untuk aku. it just means i don't give it away that easily. of course with girls, it is easy. pompuan kan? we have no boundary! hua hua hua. but with guys, it's a different story. just because we talk, doesn't mean we're friends. just because we once laughed together, doesn't make us friends. just because we've known each other for a while, doesn't make me your friend. because i'm not your friend, we should no longer talk and laugh together. we just know each other.

it's kinda like the white people thing, if you think about it. kan cite omputeh salu cam "no we aren't friends." padahal partner lab report, jiran tetangga, deskmate setahun, orang yang kalau dalam budaya kita memang kita dah panggil kawan. see lain benar barat dengan timur, tsk tsk. but that's not what i'm doing ok.

it's not like we won't be friends ever, but there's no need to push it. if it happens, it happens. just go with the flow. say one day we end up being in a group project and have to interact, or i do follow the flow, drown, and a guy becomes my hero, then we shall be friends.

or you can simply buy my friendship with food k no

i've been told that i'm cruel, cold, harsh, heartless. but i'm not. i'm just a girl with silly rules. a nice girl, at that. lulz.

i was just told recently that i was "judgmental about other people's sincerity." among other adjectives above, this one hit me the hardest. i felt so bad :( i'm really sorry. i was taken aback because judgmental is one of the last things i want to be. i despise judgmental people, and when that happens due to personal experience, you know i'm serious. i know i'm not judgmental... i hope so. i just feel it's not necessary. it's just how i am.

i don't know why and when did i change to be this person.

i remember those days when i only relied on one source about religion matters and believed anything strict enough to sound islamic. pardon my noobness. i read about how guys and girls should not be friends AT ALL. how sinful and wrong it was, how i was 'bergelumang dengan perkara haram'. it bothered me so much because i cared about some guy friends, and how would i make it in this world where interaction between males and females is a daily basis? i was only in school and boys were everywhere, nevermind college and workplace... later in life i understood. in matters like this it's not white and black. you're gonna know your limit. but that doesn't mean the limit is a black line drawn on a white floor. you've gotta adapt yourself and find the limit within you, so it suits your environment and situation. you won't be tempted to cross the line, as you know from the inside what you should not do. the rules are just a guideline. it can't be broken, but bent. back then i thought islam was difficult. but now i know it's rather sensible. maybe my view will change again, but at least that's how i see it now. and now, i'm just find with the way i choose to befriend boys.

so what islam says does play a part in this, but not solely.

is it because of my personal experience? befriending boys means bitterness in the past, like i've talked about in a previous post. is it because of others' experience? someone once just layan this one dude and now that dude perasan telling people about how he 'got' her or something. geez. i didn't ask what did he mean by saying i was judgmental about his sincerity. maybe he thought i thought he was taking advantage of me? i don't think he had ulterior motives or something up his sleeve. siapalah aku nak perasan, i once thought so. but look what happened the last time i agreed to be just friends? a lot.

i'm not being self-conscious, i'm simply being cautious.

the way i see it now, when guys are friends with girls, they might end up liking them. with me, they might end up hating me. it can go both ways. if you're lucky, you have a neutral friendship with no feeling. well if you two love each other, then you're very lucky. if it's one sided, you're not lucky. but i'm not sure what it is when friends develop mutual hatred.... hmm.

so in order to not friendzone or defriendzone anyone, i choose to strangerzone. good eh?

"you're not even friendzoned. you're strangerzoned. you may pack your bags."

strangerzone is a safe zone, there's less collateral damage.

i would probably overlook the zones if the zone lines are clear, ironically. if you keep it blurry, i will make it clear for you. but if i've already made it clear but you're still blur blur memang aku taktaula nak cakap apa. apa yang aku tau, tak baik buat taktau terus. sekali dua diam kalau dia faham takpe. but if someone is persistent, it's not nice to be persistent in the opposite way. at least explain. make them understand.

but some people are bad at explaining and understanding :(

it's just weird when people want to be friends with you. when they don't have to, but they want to. when they want to get to know you. i mean why??? call me naive but i believe some people might really want to be just friends after all. cuma tak perlu. call me vain but i also believe there's no reason why people want to be 'just friends' at all. sebab tak perlu. yes i believe both and i go back and forth. but maybe it's just me. who knows? other people may actually have genuine interest in others and have nothing but a genuine intention in being nothing more and less but friends. 

maybe i'm like this because i know guys. despite having very few guy friends now, i had been friends with a lot of guys. i can see through their disguise, i can recite their playbook. partly because i helped to hide it and write it, and in other cases i was also the one who blew up the disguise and burnt the book. so i know some type of guys when i see it. sorry for sounding mean, i'm probably just biased because of some reasons. reasons which caused my large circle of guy friends to shrink into a small circle. the smaller the better. trust can't be given to just anyone. i know not all guys are like this, but trust me when i say most i know, are.

because of this, it has occurred to me what if i get a guy who i can't figure out? hmmm.

i'm not gonna lie. i want a best guy friend. just a normal guy friend who's not gonna be intimidated when i do better than him, who's not gonna degrade me when he's above me, who won't hate me for irrational reasons and who won't like me for reasons i can't even imagine. well, unless it's mutual, haha.

i know dudes yang muka skema, nerd, innocent, padahalll. tu lah masalahnya bebudak pandai ni. pandai berkata-kata. being intellectual makes you interesting. unique hobbies swoon girls. but not all girls will be swooned by your sweet talk. spesis yang sweet talk pun ada yang bukan sweet talk corny tau tapi sweet talk classy. spesis camni tah-tah dah biasa buat. dah enough prektis. sebab tu pro je, berani je. kalau tak takdela bersungguh gila dengan pick up line versi genius semanis gula. taktaula pulak kalau naturally talented ke kan.

kalau perempuan awal-awal dah cakap tak nak, tanpa niat jual mahal, maksudnya memang taknak la. memang taknak jual. you can be different and ok to get to know better, but there's no reason to get to know each other. you find a girl different, ok she's flattered but no thanks. memang nak kawan je pun tapi tak kawan pun takpe kan. walau macam mana best pun rasanya berkawan dengan kau.

aku rasa alasan terbaik yang mesti mustajab adalah:

"sorry, tunang/suami tak kasi kawan dengan laki."

settle.

so... anyone wants to help me with it HAHAH K STAHP

i don't friendzone people so this is general, but it's DEM FUNEEY

i'm so sorry if anyone reads this and feel offended, trust me it's just me. but don't blame me :(

even kawan aku pun pelik dengan aku. dia cakap dia takde pun fikir camni. kawan je. she said i make it a point to be cautious. and trust me she's a waaay better girl than i am. idk la it just feels wrong.

what doesn't feel wrong, though, if it is done in certain ways. 

ok memang bias tapi kesah hape aku that's the fine art man if you don't know that it's your loss. cey.

being the matchmaker and wingwoman that i once was, lemme give you guys some tips and tricks lah eh. you can use it to be just friends or more than friends, but to be the former you've gotta know where to stop and to be the latter you've got to go all the way to the end. ni bukan untuk aku, takde sape nak guna kat aku pun kan sebab tu la aku share ni because how dare you use my own spell against me, Potter?! ok tetiba.

so ye ni untuk pompuan macam aku. i may look girly but i would like to be a guy with guys. so instead of kau datang nak berkenalan, tak kesahlah dengan cara rempit atau cara geek, baik kau terus kasi salam hai tanya cerita apa-apa yang patut. bila kau datang wanting to be friends when you're not even friends, it gives the idea that you want to be more than friends. and usually the way you talk gives you away. what else would you want then? i know MANY GUYS would agree with me and i have detected MANY ATTEMPTS before guys even confess to my friends. so when there's the idea, pompuan spesis kami akan rasa tak selesa, segan, dan sebagainya. mereka akan retreat, atau mereka akan attack. we don't want that now do we. what you want is to make them as comfortable with you as possible. biar dorang jadi biasa macam dengan kawan biasa. aku taktau orang lain macam mana tapi aku sangat selesa beraku kau dengan laki. pompuan lain mungkin rasa tu kasar, in fact ada laki yang cakap aku/kau dengan pompuan tu kasar. aku rasa tak, apa yang kasar ialah cara kau cakap bukan apa kau cakap paham? bila perempuan dah selesa, you're in the right zone which is the friendzone. fret not! with girls like this, being in the friendzone is the ultimate highway to the marriagezone. but if all you want is the couplezone, dia bom highway kau pastu kau terpelanting balik ke strangerzone, bleeding in pieces. doesn't sound good eh.

but on top of it all, the best way is not when you want to be someone's friend because you like them. it's when you like someone because you are their friend.

the consultation provides no guarantee and the consultant is not responsible for any failed attempt and the awkward aftermath. ok? sekian Girls Like Us 101.

bila aku baca balik post ni, masalah dia bunyi macam pasal laki nak jadi lebih dari kawan. padahal pasal laki nak jadi kawan je pun. benda yang bukan masalah pun jadi masalah, lulz.

i don't even know when this starts to be a problem to me, geez.

Course and Career : The Last Chapter

Assalamualaikum! ingat tak dulu aku berkobar nak tolong orang tentukan course and career, tapi sampai sekarang tak tolong-tolong lagi kan? hah hah hah, selamat berkenalan! aku memang camni, benda yang dah plan sejak beberapa tahun lepas pun tak pernah jalan, ape tah lagi yang plan lepas SPM.

ya, aku dah plan post ni sejak pas SPM lagi. malangnya kemalasan menguasai diri. post ni takde apa sangat pun senanye, saje nak kongsi supaya korang yang tak yakin untuk buat pilihan dapat la sikit cahaya yang membantu kan. the light that will guide. pergh.

tapi kan aku dah post pasal SVIP ngan Holland's Theory, oke la tu kan. hihi.

aku dah pernah kata yang aku harapkan kuiz kat internet untuk tolong aku yang keliru, so kalini pun kita akan kekal dengan method tu. 

mohle teruskan membaca.

 

ini salah satu keputusan kuiz yang aku buat. ye, underline merah bermaksud betul gila lah tu, buat aku eksaited rasa ada orang (komputer? robot? ah, PSYCHOLOGIST :O) faham aku.

ada macam-macam jenis kuiz yang tema dia macam-macam spesis, contohnya yang atas ni pasal warna. tapi yang pasti, keputusan semua lebih kurang je selagi korang tak main kuiz yang tah pape.

Keirsey.com

ini website yang gila best. website ni dah cukup untuk korang kenal diri korang. takyah pegi survey kawan-kawan kat FB siap buat poll bagai tanya "pendapat anda tentang saya?" ish ish ish. kids nowadays~

aku Counselor. tak, bukan sebab aku jadi pendengar setia masalah sahabat handai dari tentang keluarga sampailah cinta (kaunselor tak berbayar aka sukarelawan) dan bukan jugak kaunselor kat sekolah yang kadang-kadang tak main peranan, tapi sebab aku manusia jenis Counselor.

apa tu? semua orang Counselor jugak ke? korang apa? ha nak tau gi la website tu, uh sikit-sikit tanya rimas i (kaunselor konon)

kesan sampingan website ni : membuatkan kita mengipas-ngipas tangan tanda teruja kerana

"finally, someone who understands me!"

ini cara Counselor belajar. omegod sama macam aku! aku memang cakap kuat-kuat dan suka conteng nota. ada satu subjek yang aku buat kad kecik comel sebab mula ambik subjek tu untuk trial SPM jadi tu jelah cara nak belajar sebab malas nak ambik awal-awal, aku memang belajar sorang-sorang, takde istilah study group untuk aku sebab aku suka sembang. omegod. aku memang nak jadi penulis. and i love both Biology and English! itu back up plan aku kot kalau tak dapat Psychology. like, OMG! 

k.

berdasarkan Keirsey Temperament, ada 4 kumpulan manusia:

• As Concrete Cooperators, Guardians speak mostly of their duties and responsibilities, of what they can keep an eye on and take good care of, and they're careful to obey the laws, follow the rules, and respect the rights of others.
• As Abstract Cooperators, Idealists speak mostly of what they hope for and imagine might be possible for people, and they want to act in good conscience, always trying to reach their goals without compromising their personal code of ethics.
• As Concrete Utilitarians, Artisans speak mostly about what they see right in front of them, about what they can get their hands on, and they will do whatever works, whatever gives them a quick, effective payoff, even if they have to bend the rules.
• As Abstract Utilitarians, Rationals speak mostly of what new problems intrigue them and what new solutions they envision, and always pragmatic, they act as efficiently as possible to achieve their objectives, ignoring arbitrary rules and conventions if need be.

korang kena ambik kuiz kat website tu untuk tau korang kumpulan mana. dalam setiap kumpulan, ada pecahan, contohnya Counselor. Counselor bawah Idealist. jadi, aku ni manusia Idealistla.

si Keirsey ni memang dah kenal aku sangat. leh jadi besfren camni.

dengan tahu temperament korang, korang bukan je tahu career apa yang sesuai dengan korang, tapi korang jugak akan tahu apa yang sesuai dari semua segi! contoh atas ni, tentang lovey dovey. aku memang sejak sekolah rendah jadi orang tengah semua orang. padahal gue enggak penah jadian loh (jadian = kapel). tapi peliknya orang tanya aku pasal soal chenta. Dr Love ok. mari-mari, nak name card?

Nampak tak kat atas tu ada tulis Counselor (INFJ) kan? apa doh INFJ tu? 

oh, INFJ ni personality type rupanya. tapi personality type aku lah, korang lain tau. aku introvert, intuition, feeling and judging. senanye aku perceiving gak, tengoklah sikit je kan beza antara J ngan P tu. untuk tau apa maksud istilah ini, and apa personality type korang, bolehlah tekan sini. 

INFJ: "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. These are serious students and workers who really want to contribute. They make good therapists, general practitioners and ministers. 1% of the total population.

1% of the total population? terasa diriku begitu berharga, ahaa.

atas ni pulak keputusan kuiz yang aku ambik kat sini. kan aku dah kata aku google beriya, buat semua selagi ada. bab kuiz online ni memang aku semangat, kalau kuiz kat sekolah... em.

ini pula rujuk sini ye kengkawan.

Insight Game

haaa ni feberet aku! macam yang lain, website ni bukan je ada test untuk korang, tapi jugak ada result yang merangkumi seluruh aspek kehidupan! haa terus keluar ayat karangan SPM. apa yang lagi best, bagi korang yang dah terlentok-lentok mengantuk baca benda kat atas ni (apa da itu pun bosan ke, tsk) inilah alternatif untuk korang. kenapa?

sebab adaaaa... kartun! tengok kartun terus terbeliak mata, bila nak matang korang ni isk isk isk.

Basic Style

 



Strength

Weakness

Learning Style

Loving Style awwwwh

Working Style

perlu aku tekankan sekali lagi yang..... semua atas ni memang betul sangat dengan aku. bila korang buat benda camni, korang akan sedar banyak pasal diri korang yang sebelum ni korang tak ambik kisah pun. korang macam baru berkenalan dengan diri sendiri atau bagi yang dah sedar macam mana diri korang, korang akan rasa sangat best sebab walaupun orang lain tak kenal diri korang, tapi kuiz ni kenal.

lolol lonely naaa bunyinye.

jadi cubalah sekarang! bukan je dapat kenal diri sendiri, tapi jugak dapat tahu apa yang sesuai dengan korang dalam bidang pelajaran, pekerjaan, percintaan awh, senang kata, kehidupan la.

kongsi-kongsilaa personality type korang kat ruang komen bawah ni, atau ada yang nak sokong dan sangkal ke? selamat menjadi teruja!

sekian mekaseh.