A Week of "I'm So Done"

Dear diary, hereby lies the most interesting weekly autobiography of the most interesting person ever lives, yours truly.

20/2:

day - a friend shared an experience, gave an advice, convinced me to do something about which i was reluctant. she kept me confident to have faith in Allah's suggested solutions.

21/2: 

night - something another friend said triggered something related to yesterday's counselling session which i wanted to forget. i cried. but then i laughed because i cried. girls are weird like that.

22/2: 

day - core maths made me laugh in acceptance and later depress in disappointment before i cooled down in distractions.

night - called my best friend, laughed. called my mom, cried. i practically knew every line she'd say about my core maths crisis but i still told her anyway.

"mama dah buat part mama, mama dah doa"

"tauuu. ma janganla cakap macamtu lagi down la"

"teruk sangat ke? kenapa, dulu tak camni pun"

"sebab dulu tak pernah teruk macam ni, ni paper paling teruk ayu maa"

"ayu kan selalu camni, tapi tak teruk pun. orang lain takut jugak tu cuma tak tunjuk je"

"tak, kalini memang taktau buat. bukan salah, tapi taktau. banyak tak buat pulak tu"

"biasala tu hidup kan ada naik turun"

"hmm."

"takyah fikir sangat."

23/2:

day - got my first flower ever. now there's one less lonely girl lol. so pardon the jakunness. it was given by a girl though. so technically i haven't gotten my first flower yet, if ya know what i mean. i love it though. thanks girls. i love girls. eh i mean, my girls.

night - mom called.

ma: dah ok?

me: ok je, kenapa ma tanya?

ma: yelaa semalam kan sedih je.

i love my mom.

24/2:

day - i was apparently oversold on a social networking site which i've already deactivated. even when i had my account i did not use my own name. but today my full name was chirped about. i did not remember signing up for any agency pencari jodoh. but it was not that bad since the last time it happened a different flock of birds were eating a rotten me. the advertisement was over the top though, i as the product felt ashamed to have been like the burgers on posters with a note below it "illustration only for the sole purpose of advertisement, don't be fooled".

then i saw a friend finding peace under the rain. apparently her drama was worse, she did not tell me about it but i could smell the salty tears and taste the broken bitterness. i offered her useless words of comfort.

night - another friend asked to see me in private. so in private means in public (outside the house). she did not say anything, asked to hug me, and cried on my shoulder. i let her be that way for a while before she let out what she's keeping inside. 

later, with other friends, i found out something. thus the continuation of my plot line, with some screaming and yelling as the dialogues. after i was done hyperventilating, i curled myself on the floor texting my best friend because i needed to tell someone my problem. the irony when just minutes before i texted a different friend, asking her if she needed to tell someone her problem. a teardrop or two hid behind my hair. it was not a kind of problems that could lead to suicide but it was still a problem i had to deal with so cut me some slack.

one minute somebody cries on my shoulder and the next i shed a tear. in one night i ask another somebody what's their problem and i have to deal with my own later. anybody else wanna join us?

when i was alone in the middle of the night, i cried. another mess was born from a mess i had led on. another heart was hurt because i waited. friends yelled at each other because i didn't stop earlier. it might seem small, but it affected us all. if being the cause of that doesn't make you sad, i wonder what does. 

at 1.30 am, i got a text. i went out of my house to see the sender waiting, crying. we cried together. then we hugged, laughed, talked. i stormed towards my house after she said she wouldn't hurt me by telling me if i hurt her and i was like you know what, i'm so done hurting people, i'm so done with everything - before i realized that's what i was doing too but because i know it hurts lah i don't want her to be hurt the same way - she pulled my hand and began to tear up, begging me and i told her to let it go shhh we're gonna wake the whole block up and after some time pulling i gave up and we cried together again. in silent we stared at the dark starless sky and the shadowy moon, as if if they had been twinkling and clear and bright, it would not be right for such an emotional night. at 3.30 am we parted, and only at 4.00 i slept, after i blogged.

it was a night of epiphanies. if i were more independent, in the sense that i do not need a listener or even a friend, none of this would have happened. i could just shut the eff up like i used to do all the time when i was younger, like i still do now about some taboo topics i've never even mentioned to anybody. it's just that i'm used to having someone to share about this kind of topics with. that's a mistake, as when you begin to open up to somebody, you can't stop from letting them in. with me, it's either you know just a little, or you know too much. i can't stop with Hazirah as she's too invested already, it's too late. and honestly i do need someone. and there's no better made of honour for her than me. but with others, it's still early. i don't want to bother, annoy and bore people. i might hurt somebody. they might not understand me. we all will feel guilty.

i can be independent again. there are skeletons i never reveal to anyone and they remain dusty in my closet. i can do that again. there's a satisfaction in suffering alone, and as suffering alone is a suffering itself, the satisfaction is doubled. if you live through it will a smile, a new level of satisfaction is unlocked. but i'm not used to being stress and smiling anymore and it takes its toll on people around me. another reason why.

Stress and smiling. Because nobody wants to know about your inner demons, your bad days, your emotional moments :) But i try not to be that nobody so you can always come to me :) :) :)

and you can hurt nobody

the friend who always needs to talk to me in private, the first time she did, i asked her why. i did not look like i was qualified for solutions, i thought she would prefer someone who looked more like her, in appearance. i thought we were different. she said something along the line she didn't even know why, but she felt she could trust me. i have the psychologist face, i guess. lol. she didn't tell that to anybody, and to have that being told to me, was priceless. we were not that close, but we spent about two hours talking about her life and eventually, a little about mine which i didn't tell just anybody. that was the start of our friendship. 

even more so when i asked her "sebab ni ke awak nak ambik psychology?" she answered yes, and i said "kita pun. biasanya siapa yang ambik psychology mesti ada personal reason." even more so when i learned that she was a person who kept everything bottled up inside with nobody to talk to, someone who refused to let friendships blossom for fear of falling apart, someone who rejected attachment for fear of detachment, someone who was a more chronic version of me, someone whom i now, after months later, want to be. for the same reasons she chose to be that way. 

as i pondered about this on the dramatic predawn of february 25th, i thought of her and how i told her how that's all rubbish - you can't survive on your own, it's the law of nature to grow closer before growing apart so just appreciate the good moments and learn from the bad experience, everybody needs somebody -  and i thought, wow, irony.

25/2:

this is what happens bila dak insomama teman dak insomnia

day - needless to say how i was in class the next morning.

night - i had to study for my statistics test. something related to yesterday's screaming session bothered me. the fact that i did not understand what i was studying bothered me even more. every single little thing led to another and it bothered me. i just sat at my study table biting my lips. i looked at my quran. i felt like if i were to stay for another second staring at it, i would chew off my lips. so i told my housemates i was going to go outside for a while, grab my shawl and my quran. the one step i took outside the door, tears streamed down my face. surrounded by darkness, i chose to sit on a bench under a lamp light. at first i couldn't even mengaji without being interrupted by my own sobbing sound so whenever i paused i just buried my head onto the quran and into my lap. when i could read again, my voice was trembling i hoped nobody was listening, but if they saw me they would have known i was breaking down anyway. i noticed at least two people did.

the stupidest part of it all was i had no idea what caused it. i cried for no reason at all, or for all reasons at once. but i frankly think i cried for nothing. it was not pms i tell ya. i just completed my cycle. so maybe it was just my iman being low at that moment, the pits of being a girl. boleh je dekatkan diri dengan Allah masa 'tak boleh' pun, but we often forget. pms is just a justification for girls' unstable emotions. all the time girls nak pms. before cycle la, in the middle of the cycle la, after cycle la. alasan. why do i sound sexist here.

later i told another different friend of mine about this, and she said "mungkin Allah rindu ama tu," shit. after i had regained my composure (stopped sobbing and start reading properly) and my tears had dried, it was 12.30 am. i would love to stay outside longer but i had a mission to take care of: study. at 1.00 am, what i studied before finally made sense after i had let out all the nonsense.

this was my favourite song way back then

26/2:

day - statistics was much better than core maths. i actually answered all questions and had time to check twice and the last one which others stuck at, i could answer it. i don't care if what i thought i did right turned out wrong, as long as at least i knew something. at least it was susah no 1. at least it was okaylah. the result? that's a different story. i tried my best and that's all that mattered.

night - i cried because something was bittersweet, so i was smiling at the same time.

27/2:

day - i got my core maths mark. i failed. i never failed in my life ever. i failed, but i was okay. my friend cried, but i did not. in fact when i found it out, i felt a huge relief even when there was nothing to be relieved about. i guess i was just glad to get it over with. i guess it was because i have been emo enough right after i answered my paper, so i was prepared for the result. i felt nothing at all, and it felt good.

for someone who once cried because she got B for add math, i am super cool when i got worse than that for core math this time. i only hope i would not get used to being this cool though. 

judge me by my success, judge my by my failure, judge me when i'm a winner, judge me when i'm a loser

28/2:

day -  while waiting for our turn for french reading test, a few of my classmates were engaged in a conversation... about my hand. a classmate holds my hand and said to the boys "rugi weh kau tak dapat pegang tangan ama," because my hands are... soft. IT'S GENETIC FOR GOD'S SAKE. i admit i'm not the most rajin anak dara, but my skin being not rough or so they say, is because of my genes. my mom, who has been a devoted housewife for 30 years, has hands even softer than mine and people still question her "tak buat kerja rumah eh," when that's all she ever does. both of us find it funny that people think our hands are soft, but it's not fun when we have to explain to every human being who touches our hands. that girl was fangirling over my hands, i just let her be because it's nice to have someone holding my hand klolwut. but it was awkward when my guy classmate was staring at my hand and like "naaak" and wanted to have my parent's' number and whatnot. just marry my hand, i said. i need to wear a hand purdah for this.

then there was economics test. it was okay... kot. i don't know. of course there's gotta be something wrong somewhere, but at least i knew i studied and i tried. after i was done with econs it was like a giant heavy rock rolled off my back, i felt free. but not when the next second i had to think about the preloved sale we would be having that night for earth night and that rock crushed me again. my brain was so done and my body was not ready.

night - the fact that there were too many preloved items and not too many customers to buy them for charity did not as much bother me as something else did. i was again bothered by the fact that i did not want to hurt people but i still had to and i thought i even offended my mr president even when he had texted me and called me saying it was okay and told me to stop feeling guilty i made him feel guilty too. in the end everything made my delicious Awwal burger seemed tasteless and my night even darker than the lightless hours. i always knew i had to do something i had been dreaded to do. but this time, i finally started it.

it always takes a wrong for you to see what's right, it always takes a dark night for you to see the light.

and i am so sorry, the light is not me. i made everything darker, i made the stars suffer.

1/3:

day - waking up feeling like crap for today's class as i was so damn tired about everything last night and only went to sleep at 2.00 am despite my insufficient sleep last two nights. i had IELTS speaking test trial. speaking test is all about luck. someone who's good in english might get a question which is rubbish. someone who's not so good might get one which is cool. it affects your performance. there are all kinds of questions - your favourite item, your hobby, choose an animal and freaking describe why, healthy lifestyle, haunted places, the most beautiful place in the country, the most romantic thing you ever did, is education more important for a guy or a girl, have you experienced deja vu, do you believe in spritual healing, do you prefer the ocean or the river which is your favourite and why, what website benefits you the most, etc. as you can see the questions get crappier. so i prayed to God to end my week with ease, please, make it something i could answer straightaway without having to make something up, make it something i had already known or thought about, something like an opinion or experience instead of facts and nonsense.

i waited for my turn for almost two hours, bless my name. i love Nurul though, i would never change it to Nur or even a single name starting with A. Nurul, the word itself sounds beautiful. it's just all my life my name has been one of the lasts. i ain't complaining, but my cramped bum does.

when i introduced myself to the invigilator, i mentioned my full name as i actually skipped somebody's turn as my cramped bum could no longer take it and that somebody just arrived, sooo. she asked me what could she call me. i said amalina, or ama. she asked me whether my name has any special meaning. i explained to her about cahaya, light. then i said "i actually googled my name, and it stated that amalina means 'lanjut usia'" with a rather confuse frown on my face, as to show her i was confuse with my own name.

little did i know that she was not having a small talk with me. i realized it was actually task 1 as she handed me a paper saying "here's your task 2, you're given one minute to prepare". i was like whudddddd. i freaking said lanjut usia! i thought you were interested in my name! LOL AMA SO MUCH LOL SO MUCH FACE PALM! slack gila. i would have said long lived or something had i known the test had started.

but all that went away the second i read my question: what makes you excited.

i did not need to take another second to know what does: HARRY POTTER.

so yes, for IELTS speaking test trial, i talked about Harry Potter. AFTER ALL THIS TIME? ALWAYS.

only one thing could go wrong when you get a topic you actually know what to talk about; you have so many things to say so you have no time to properly arrange the sequence in your suddenly jumbled and overloaded brain compartments, which in my case filled with data tagged 'hp4life'. i wanted to talk about everything within the limited minutes and it was hard for my part i tell ya. you might ramble irrelevant stuffs instead of talking in proper order. what to do? i got what makes me excited and even talking about HP makes me excited! she could see how passionate i was, i am sure. what i liked about her was she was warm and encouraging, so i did not feel lame talking about Harry Potter at 19 for IELTS. i felt proud instead.

before task 2 ended i talked about how i actually lent my best friend the last book, but she was like "it's too thick" maybe she was just not into harry potter and i accepted that fact. the invigilator asked me "but it does not affect your friendship?" i answered "it does not. but i was offended... for a day." she laughed. hehe.

my task 3 was "which one was more important? family or friends?"

ya Allah, thank you Lord. Alhamdulillah. *please make her forget about the lanjut usia thing though*

but the happiness ended as i returned to my college and was reminded of the fact that i wouldn't be going home this weekend. staying at akasia for two weeks in a row, especially weeks like this, takes its toll on me. i went to Mydin to buy unhealthy chips and junk food and instant noodles as i have no intention to go out this weekend, no matter how tempting Big Bad Wolf, KLCC UK Uni expo, Nugheen's Sunway Lagoon trip and Pojan's paintball game may be. i just want to stay in my cave with my food and the internet and only go out for water in the well. at least i have privacy this weekend, and i dig that.

night - while waiting for isyak i read quran. my roommate went back home so being alone, i closed my bedroom door (to the point my housemates thought i went home as well). while reading, i heard my door squeaked, but nothing more so i thought my housemates were just checking up on me. i kept on reading. after i was done, i put down the quran, turned around and saw a figure sitting besides my door smiling at me and i scrEAMED AND ROLLED ON THE FLOOR THE WHOLE HOUSE HEARD ME AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME AND I LAUGHED AT MYSELF FOR BEING FREAKED OUT FOR A SECOND BY NUGHEEN. gurl why didn't you tell me you were there the whole time?! nak tercabut jantungku tahu!

this is not good for my heart.


later that night - i had to do what had to be done. i'm so sorry.

this is not good for somebody's heart.

dear diary,

as you can see, it was one hell of a week (or two) for me. my brain, my body, my heart, my mind are all so done. i need to get away but i can't. all i can do is recharge myself by having lazy alone time, and only then i can function again. but dear diary, if i do not go back home next week, i might have to kill somebody.

love,

Keretapi.

An Appeal Letter From A Brother

I have four bros. but today i'm blogging about the third one.

because i just found out that Uda wrote to UIA appealing for me after he found out I didn't get MARA, he wrote it the same day i found out i got JPA.

Uda is a bro unlike any other. Dialah yang paling semangat untuk aku untuk semua benda. 

aku ada 4 orang abang, kitorang bukan adik beradik paling rapat dalam dunia sebab jarak umur aku dengan dorang. tapi aku paling selesa dengan uda <3

Penaja Buku

dulu masa aku baru mula sekolah rendah, dia yang belikan aku banyak buku. dia yang bawak aku pegi MPH pastu paksa aku beli buku. semata-mata sebab nak pupuk minat membaca dalam diriku hoh. aku taknak, aku taktau yang mana best aku kata. so dia belikan aku banyak buku Enid Blyton. tetiba nanti dia bawak buku baru balik rumah, padahal buku dulu tak abeh baca lagi.

masalahnya aku tak minat buku Enid Blyton. apa rabbit monyet binatang dan hidup mereka semua ni tapi aku bacalah jugak sebab kesian kat dia pastu nanti dia bising. dahlah suruh aku baca pastu highlight perkataan tak faham dan cek maksud, takde keje aku nak bukak buku sebelah tangan, sebelah lagi belek kamus. nanti dia belek buku cerita aku pastu tanya "yang highlight purple ni kau paham ke tak?"

"paham"

"apa maksud dia?"

"emmm, tak sure tapi taulah apa yang dia nak maksudkan..."

"gi amek dictionary sekarang"

kalah cikgu sekolah. sekarang kalau aku masuk kedai buku dengan teruja mesti dia terharu kan, "dah jadi ulat buku dah adik aku...." kata dia dalam hati sambil hulur duit, aku menolak dengan sopan "eh de takyah, duit ada ni!" tapi dia insist sambil pesan "nanti resit kasi aku," kata dia yang dah buat mental math congak berapa dapat tolak cukai. lolzde.

Geng wayang dan makan

dalam post Potterhead kan aku cakap abang aku yang suruh aku tengok Harry Potter? haaa abang yang ni lah.

tau tak first time aku tengok wayang masa aku darjah 5? sedih kan hidup aku. takde sape nak bawak sob sob. semua sibuk dengan hidup sendiri sob sob. tapi uda masih ada di sisi (masa dia tak kawen lagi T____T). satu hari mak aku kejut bangun pagi, mama kata bangunnn. aku kata nantiiii. mama kata bangunnn uda nak bawak tengok Harry Potterrrr. aku terus HAAAA YE KE?! mata terbeliak.

Uda datang pagi tu ambik aku pegi KLCC wehooo (kesian aku... takde sape nak bawak jalan selalu.... semua sibuk dengan - DIAM AH AMA) dalam kereta aku macam OMG OMG UDA KENAPA TAK BAGITAUUU. pastu dia yang tengah bawak kereta laju sebab takut lambat sampai dengan rileknya berkata sebab dia taktau sebenarnya dia boleh balik ke tak minggu tu, tapi dia dah book tiket dulu. kang bagitau awal-awal tapi dia banyak keje, histeria pulak aku kecewa. so jadilah surprise.

aku macam woaaaaah. then tengok Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire pun woaaaah.

sejak tu dialah yang balik KL jauh-jauh dari Perak semata-mata sebab aku mintak dia bawak aku tengok Harry Potter (read: paksa - sape suruh kau baik sangat muahahahaa)

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince yang last HP kitorang tengok sama. lepas habis wayang, cam biasa dia belanja makan. dia dengan aku sama, kitorang suka makan macam-macam kat restoran yang mak aku takkan sanggup makan kalau pegi sama. pas HBP, sambil makan makanan vietnam, uda kata "hek eleh, tu ke Half Blood Prince nya? aku ingat nanti ada prince dari negara lain datang lawan sama-sama dengan Harry ke apa"

aku macam DO NOT QUESTION JK ROWLING'S MASTERPIECE.

nanti dia balik KL je dia ajak aku tengok wayang, sedih tak hidup aku pegi tengok wayang dengan abang sendiri je hahah. itu sebelum zaman reti jalan ngan kawan-kawanlah, masuk sekolah menengah terus "De, kita gi Mid lah. Mines ke. jangan gi KLCC nanti jumpa kawan sekolah," HAHAHA.

sekarang beli dia dah kawen pastu ada anak memang harapanlah nak tengok wayang segala :( no more tido kat hotel Mid pastu pegi tengok midnight movie sesama :(

masa aku darjah berapa entah, dia jugak yang bawak aku pergi Petrosains dengan Dinasourous ke apa tah dulu tu, sekarang cam dah takde je. dia belikan aku macam-macam and bawak aku merata-rata. bila aku terkenang semua tu sekarang, aku rasa terharu, sebab dia macam nak aku ada pengalaman tu. childhood. dia nak aku rasa semua tu, apa yang budak lain rasa, apa yang mungkin aku rasa kalau Babah ada.

sampai sekarang kalau aku terharu or sedih or kesian kat dia, sebab dia banyak kerja or tak dapat balik or sebab dia baik sangat ke, mesti dia kata "nak kesian apanya, poyo!"

aku pulak yang dipoyokannya.

Potato Couch

abang-abang aku yang lain, dorang lain. ada yang judgemental gila. ada yang suka kutuk artis tak pasal-pasal sampai boleh gaduh aku dengan dia semata-mata sebab aku back up artis yang aku tak suka pun. ada yang rasa diri cam gempak sangat maka takleh tengok tv shows yang tah pape cam AF contonye. ada yang rasa diri matang sangat baru sekolah rendah dah tak tengok Disney Chanel. SAPEEELAH TU.

tapi Uda manade camtu. pandai je orangnye, one of best students sekolah sains dia and Negeri Pahang terus. gempak je orangnye, belum kuar result SPM dah fly US. sebab tulah mak aku ni macam sayang Uda lebih sikit (aku dengan abang aku lagi satu salu cakap "laaa mama ni sibuk-sibuk kemas rumah, masak macam-macam kenapa? yelahhh anak kesayangan nak balikkk~") bukan sebab dia pandai, tapi sebab dia memang jarang balik dan dia sangat baik. dari form 1 masuk asrama. habis form 5 terus pegi US. balik US dok Shah Alam. lepas tu pindah Perak. memang 3, 4  bulan baru jumpa. tu pun tak tentu.

despite all that, abang akulah orang yang tengok Disney, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network. dia tengok Lizzy McGuire, That's So Raven segala yang aku pun tak tengok. tetiba kang dia tengok Evan Steven ke apa entah. pastu gelak gelak sengsorang. aku macam..... wut?

Dialah jugak yang ajar aku tengok Friends, Angel, Buffy segala masa aku tak faham english pun lagi. k fine bukan ajar tapi aku terpengaruh secara tak sengaja har har. awkward moment bila tengok America's Next Top Model dengan dia dan model-model tu menyeksikan diri.... tapi Uda buat muka pokerface je. bila tengok cite pape ada scene tak senonoh, aku saje je tengok dia buat muka "heh heh heh" LOLZDE.

itu dulu. sekarang tidak lagi sebab dah lama tak bertemu. tsk.

Cool Bro

Uda lah satu-satunya abang yang tak menggelabah jadi overprotective. ini tak boleh itu tak boleh sampai bila nak boleh pun aku taktau. "sampai kau kawen, hahaha" abang sulung aku cakap. BORING AH KORANG. sekarang dah 18 tahun pun takleh lagi tak faham aku. pastu bila aku tak reti berdikari naik lrt naik teksi sendiri, aku cari korang korang jangan bising. dah semua tak boleh kan, jadi driver aku boleh?

Uda dari dulu salu suruh aku buat semua benda sendiri, biasakan diri. tsk. tapi sebab tiga orang abang yang lain tu, sampai sekarang aku jadi anak manja yang perlukan teman. tsk.

Uda jugak cool bila sampai bab lelaki, tak cam abang lain yang bajet bukan laki pulak korang sebenarnya. beberapa minggu lepas, jiran aku, arkitek yang kaya raya buat kenduri kahwin. anak jiran dia semua dah kahwin, kahwin pun dengan dak-dak sini jugak, yang pernah sama sekolah, pernah kawan biasa. bila dah kahwin semua tinggal sebumbung sebab arkitek ni sentiasa renovate rumah dia untuk keperluan semasa. sorang je anak laki dia belum kahwin.

aku lupa camne topik ni leh timbul... tapi aku rasa puncanya ialah aku cakap aku taknak pegi belajar mana-mana. macam biasa bila aku buat perangai camtu, mama cakap "habis nak buatpe, kawen?"

tah macam mana dari situ, boleh lak Uda gemok ni cadangkan aku kahwin ngan anak arkitek. Uda suruh aku pergi kenduri kahwin tu nanti, tunjuk muka sikit manalah tau mak dia nak buat menantu, mak dia kan selalu suruh mak aku bawak aku pergi kenduri dorang. menantu dia semua pun orang-orang sini je. aku pun joinlah sekali "haah kalau kawen dengan anak arkitek konfem tak homesick sebab selang satu rumah je! hahahah" tetiba terus hepi, tah pape entah.

aku selalu taknak pergi kenduri dorang bukan je sebab aku malas, tapi sebab aku dulu pernah kawan dengan anak sedara arkitek yang pernah sekolah dengan aku... pastu dia asyik2 ajak pergi kenduri tu. lagi kau ajak lagi aku taknak tau takkk. Uda dua tiga kali cakap pasal anak arkitek, semangat pulak dia.

tapi itulah, Uda. dia sorang je yang tak cakap aku gatal kalau aku sebut "lelaki" atau "kahwin". ye abang-abang aku yang lain sangat koman, dah lupa agaknya dorang dulu umur aku lagi dah ada makwe(s). sekarang aku tau sape leh jadi wali kalau aku kahwin lari :') LOLOL.

Support Study

dulu masa aku nak masuk asrama, dia yang paling excited. sebab nasib aku sama macam dialah konon baru form 1 dah terpisah dengan keluarga. orang lain ada jugak ragu-ragu, aku pun macam tak sedap hati time tu. tetiba je padahal aku lah yang nak masuk asrama sangat dulu. sebab tak dengar kata hati awal-awal, aku keluar MRSM kemudian. kempunan uda nak melawat aku kat asrama. 7 bulan aku dok situ tau tak, sempat je nak lawat setiap minggu (7 bulan kat situ 2 kali je kot family datang tsk) sape suruh kau workaholic sangat.

lepas form 5 masa aku dok pening pasal masa depan, Uda pun membantu dengan kata-kata semangatnya "engineer taknak engineer?"

"taknakkkk!"

setiap kali aku konfius setiap kali tu jugaklah dia tanpa putus asa "engineering takmau?"

"TAKMAULAH DE!"

bila aku mintak pendapat dia apa aku patut buat, dia memang tak membantu... aku salu cakap Uda memang dilahirkan untuk jadi engineer, bukan psychologist, bukan kaunselor. sebab jawapan standard dia ialah "mana aku tau", "buat jelah pape kau suke", "entahlah yu", "taknak jadi engineer?"

if you expect inspiring words and motivation from someone, let it not be Uda. being true to his profession, Uda is only up for practical things, like bringing you to the cinema and booking a holiday trip, or writing an appeal letter. 

kat email tu yang part "opposed by her siblings" tu, opposed by dia je sebenarnya. hahah. but blood is thicker than water, bila aku tak dapat study apa aku nak study, tukang oppose terus jadi tukang support. sian Uda gemok semangat buatkan aku appeal letter, cam nak nangis pun ada.

Pemurah Macam Babah

sangat sangat sangat sampai mama pun selalu cakap dia cam babah. nuff said.

comel je uda :')

dulu kan aku obsess blog pasal sorang budak laki hensem kan?

haaa budak tu anak dia lah tu.

there are many things that set him apart from other brothers, even my other brothers, but let's just keep that to myself, and to my poorly-kept-memories because i want to blog more about this but have forgotten what i wanted to mention.

sometimes i wonder if i will suffer from Alzheimer. God forbids. but if one day i will, i know just someone who's gonna write letters and send emails to all doctors asking for their attention for his little sister's treatment.

a brother.

Twilight is better and "Harry Potter Kinda Sucks"? O Rly?

I came across this (CLICK THE LINK, or don't if you don't want to lose hope in humanity). before i go further, please read it, everyone. Done?

............................................

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT IS THIS ABSURDITY -  I CAN'T EVEN - WHAT..... breath. breath. regain your composure.

Don't lose hope just yet, if you read the comments you'll know there are people who will make the world a better place. Such as me. I've read the whole Twilight saga when i was 14, obsessed over it, but then realized what i was getting myself into. i didn't even finish Breaking Dawn. i was still 14 when i saw sense. this proves how Twi is a trend and seasonal, while HP is phenomenal and unforgettable. So my points will not be biased because i've experienced both.

Both are different stories with different purposes. the qualities are too. HP is literature, Twi is guilty pleasure. Twi is teen romance, a light reading aimed for girls which makes money, HP is a 'supposedly children book' read by all genders and generations, which touch the lives of many. There's no way a Potterhead will compare them because it's an insult to even question it. But since a Twitard does it first, as always, so here we go.

Read this if you want a valid argument on why Harry Potter is better and Twilight "kinda sucks", before you hear it from me.

Everyone has their cup of tea, but please don't even compare it to HP. Next time, don't use those points. it shows your level of maturity and mentality.

Girl, I hope you're trolling. That's the only reasonable explanation. Never in my life I see a Potterhead like this. I would have been ashamed of you if i were a Twihard too.

say you aren't kidding and are for real, here are my counter arguments.

1. "I mean little kids are reading that stuff!!!"

'Bloody hell' is not really a swear word. if some people find that offensive, so it's subjective. the only real swear word in the whole series is 'bitch' which is during the final battle. "NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH" was said by a mother who had just lost a son, to a bitch who almost killed her daughter.

it's kind of fitting isn't it? if you can even comprehend such emotions.

thanks for your concern. but little kids who grew up with HP were teenagers and young adults when the last book came out. we call ourselves the Harry Potter Generation. about the next generation of kids, they would hear it from somewhere else first. with what's on tv and the internet  'bitch' is used in less emotional and conflicted situations, don cha think? 

even i knew that word before i read it in HP. i guess you learnt the F-word the same way, too.

what about all those times in Twi when Bella was horny and begged Edward to make love to her? oh and the time Meyer described the aftermath of their sex? little kids and even teenagers would be traumatized by that. I guess not the kind of book we'll share with our daughters, huh?

2. "That teaches people that death is ok and natural! I mean who WANTS to read about that kind of thing?" 

uhm, honey, i don't know how to say this but, uhm, people DO die. i'm sorry that it's so natural. oh God tell me why am i the one who has to break this to this innocent, clueless soul right here??

Maybe you're lucky enough to never have lost anyone, but most of us are not! do you have any idea how the deaths in HP help us Potterheads as kids and teenagers? to know we're not the only one who feels the misery of losing somebody when everyone around us is as lucky as you are? to know everyone's equal and death is coming for us, no matter how good we are?

Little kids who are not exposed to this kind of things grow up to believe in happy endings and unrealistic fairytale, or worse, grow up to be you. People like you are so absorbed in romance fantasies to even realize the bitter reality of life.

People die. when you're dead you disappear from this earth. you don't have option  to ''stay' as a sparkly vampire. that's real life. deal with it.

3. "Its going to teach people that torture is okay!"

I DON'T REALLY CALL PEOPLE DUMB BUT... CAN YOU REALLY BE THAT DUMB TO THINK ONE WRITES ABOUT BAD THINGS TO INSPIRE OTHERS TO DO THEM?? EVEN A 7-YEAR-OLD CAN UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE POINT.

Every villain in HP has a reason - it's called DEPTH. even in our world, there are motivations and depressions causing people to be evil. but from Harry, we learn we don't have to be even if we have all the reasons in the world. in fact, Harry even had quite a similar childhood with Voldy.

Did you know why Voldy became evil? His mom was a poor pure blood witch who fell in love with a muggle. she gave him love potion, he thought he loved her, she became pregnant. she didn't want to lie anymore, wanted a real love, not a fake affection, so she stopped giving him love potion thinking he'd love her all the same. wrong. he left her and married another girl. she was disowned by her father for being with a muggle, had no one, no where, nothing. she died in child birth at an orphanage, where Voldy grew up having no friend and no foster family. All his life he felt hatred, trapped. When he had the chance to escape to Hogwarts, he was the best student, the head boy, the favourite. he used his talents to have power, gain followers, reign the magical world. That's why he hated, tortured and killed muggles and muggle-borns, because of his father. in fact, the first time he killed, the victims were his muggle family. it's ironic, seeing how he was a half-blood himself. as though he hated a part of who he was, with a common, weird name. that's how by rearranging the alphabets Tom Marvolo Riddle, you'll get 'I am Lord Voldemort.'

as for Bellatrix and other Death Eaters, they were brought up with the idea of how muggles were worthless and muggle-borns were mudbloods. it's parallel to how in our world, blacks, jews and muslims were labeled and hated. it's called PREJUDICE, in case you haven't noticed.

HP became darker as the readers grew older. so what if it's "HORRIBLE AND WRONG"? Welcome to the world. Grow up. kids can handle it, so it's about time you should.

don't tell me there's no violence at all in Twi, what about ripping the body apart and burning it to ashes? sweetie you must be having nightmares! it's okay then for Bella to  do dangerous things just to get a glimpse of her imaginary Edward when he left her? it's okay to go get yourself killed (or in Edward's case, ripped apart and burnt to ashes) when you think your girlfriend is dead? how about the torture Bella oh so endures for her love as mother?

4. "Twilight is American,  Harry Potter is British. Therefore, by logic, Twilight is better"

This is the point where i pray to God you're actually kidding. did you know how many Americans disagree with how everything "american automatically makes it higher quality"? how many Brits are offended by "British people can be really bad"?

"they fought against us and LOST in WW2" - ARE YOU KIDDING? it's your own country's history for God's sake! America. and Britain. were allies. you. guys. won. Good luck in your exams.

after you get that fact right, someone should tell you how the country where someone or something from does not affect the quality. someone else should tell you how Britain produced Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Queen Rowling and other all-time best writers. Noted scientists like Newton and Stephen Hawking, em, who else.. oh yes, Paul McCartney, John Lennon and basically all the members of The Beatles were Britons! 

even Lady D was a Brit too! i know right, like, how shocking!

R-Pattz is a Brit. I know this must be a total surprise to you. before he was Edward Cullen, he was Cedric Diggory. who's that? oh, only a character from HP. by the way, he admits he likes being in HP more than Twi. oh, you didn't know how much he hates Twi, did you?

5. "like they use slang and stuff that doesnt make sense to ANYONE BUT BRITISH PEOPLE!"

I don't think there's many. 'Blimey'? everyone can guess it's what one says when one's surprised. everyone knows from a situation described that 'snog' means kiss. I admit you need a dictionary to know what 'nitwit' and 'pip pip' are, but they are used only once. that's how you learn. by using a "fucking SLANG DICTIONARY".

"Can you Americans speak any other language besides English?" - Inglourious Basterds

that's what we, non-english speakers, do. don't be so lazy. no wonder your spelling is bad.

There's one thing you need to know, which is everyone around the globe AREN'T all Americans. There are people of different nationalities, races, religions, languages, slangs and accents. even people from North American have accents!

6. "They should of gotten normal people who can FUCKING TALK RIGHT!!!"

Missy, you should use proper English which originated from Britain (where everything's bad rite?) before you comment on how other people talk. it's SHOULD HAVE, NOT SHOULD OF. i don't understand people who write like this. do you think you're a Brit? because saying 'should of' sounds like talking with a British accent which you hate.

You are the first and only person who trashes British accent. everybody else loves it, it's sexy <3 isn't sexy what you Twihards care about?

The movies were made by an American company but the actors have "funny accents" because THEY ARE BRITISH! GOD. about ten years ago, JKR said something like this to Warner Bros "You can only make the movies if all the workforce - actors, designers, constructors, artists, composers, runners, everyone - is British or Irish, unless their characters are not. If you agree, then we have a deal," and you know what? that's the best deal ever.

HP is the first ($7,706,147,978) while Twi is at no 9 ($2,505,603,891) of the highest grossing franchise, DHP2 is the third ($1,328,111,219) highest grossing film after Avatar and Titanic, 5 HP films are top 10 on the list, actually all 8 HP films are way above any Twi film, with PoA the lowest grossing HP film ($796,688,549) at no 33 and New Moon the highest grossing Twi film ($709,827,462) at no 44.

well, this clearly shows how "Harry Potter kinda sucks", doesn't it?

WEIRDOS? WATCH YOUR MOUTH YOU BIMBO. HP is an assemble of acknowledged and talented Brit actors, some have won prestigious awards (by prestigious, i don't mean Teen Choice Award), some have been granted with titles (Dame Maggie Smith, Sir Michael Gambon), and some can act naturally like they've done it all their lives, being just little kids.

it's your fault the only celebrities you know are from Hollywood who fill the tabloids and act in cheesy romantic comedies.

7. "The chracters are ugly"

I'M STOPPING MYSELF FROM SWEARING LIKE MOLLY WEASLEY NOW, YOU BI-

SERIOUSLY? CAN YOU BE THAT SUPERFICIAL? 

The characters aren't ugly. to someone thick, they are because they don't look like barbies. JKR wants to teach little kids that it's okay to not look like what they see on tv and in magazines, it's okay to look like who they are for everyone's beautiful in their own way and we are all special, that you must be proud of your strength and uniqueness, do not be ashamed for being intelligent like Hermione or different like Luna, that being ginger doesn't mean you're weird and wearing glasses doesn't make you a nerd, you need to embrace your physical beauty and work harder on your inner beauty, that's the point.

 

it seems you really need to read Harry Potter. this is what happens, when an impressionable girl reads Twilight and believe everyone should look like the vampires (Meyer's version, at least, which is a disgrace to vampire race) - flawless. if you're not attractive enough, just visit them as food!

the actors in HP grew into their looks, they started as children. they were cast because they have talents, not because of their appearance. Hermione wasn't supposed to be pretty, so was Luna, Harry wasn't supposed to be handsome, Ron wasn't supposed to be hunky, and have you seen Tom Felton? Neville wasn't supposed to be that... different! Drool.

the only characters who were described in the books as good looking i think were Cedric, Ginny, Fleur and Bill. and Hermione during Yule Ball, the first time she ever cared about her looks. before that, it was all books. and that's what girls should do, too.

While what Bella ever cared about was her boyfriend, but since Edward didn't want to have sex until they're married, another thing she cared about was getting married. to have sex. Edward fell in love with her because of her smell on the first place, and Bella was madly in love with him because of his looks before she even knew him, that's stupid. everyone is perfect it's unrealistic.

And what you said about beards is hurtful. you've just insulted many religions, cultures, ages, beliefs, traditions, people. just as what you said about the so-called dress, well bimbo, it's called a robe. Guys in HP wear robes because they are supposedly wizards. it's called costume.

You know what i hate the most about Twitards? the only thing they have to say about Twilight is "Taylor is so hot! his abs, omg, i'm so turned on! Kristen is so pwetty, i don't care she doesn't have expressions, she's like, the best actress eva! and Robert! omg, his face, like, i wanna kiss that face and have a child with that face like, so pewwwfect!"

Please. Do. Not. Be an embarrassment. To. Girls. And. The human race.

8. "WHat kind of sadistic creepy fucking moron kills people and tortured them FOR FUN?!??!"

We have a word for that - PSYCHOPATHS. this world is full of them. for a second put down that Toilet and go read a newspaper. you've been reading enough kisses and glitters.

OMG, can't you see? like, it's so obvious. The real actions happened at the end of school year totally because Voldy cared for Harry's education! Du-uh!

NO. but because it's called CLIMAX. no, not the one Bella had. Plots (something HP actually has) need to build up first. conflicts still happen throughout the year. The villains need to have proper plannings, but the climax don't even involve the same villains every year. The climax of each book and of the whole series, is when the PLOT HOLES are filled (something missing in Twi) and the conclusions are revealed.

My darlings from Interview With a Vampire are not amused.

you say The Volturi is realistic? the first time they appeared, they talked. they warned, but didn't do anything until two books later, they returned. just to talk some more. then they left and nobody was killed, oooh very evil. all they do is sit on high chairs, send their servants to do their dirty work (which is easy because there's not much to do), and talk. "creepy losers with bad hair in cloaks"? I suggest you take a look again at The Realistic Evil Volturi.

first you say HP villains make the story too depressing and dark. and now this. really? it seems contradictory isn't it? oh yes, it's something you learn from Meyer.

Why Twilight "kinda sucks"

now it's my turn. it's how Meyer writes. how 90% of the content is about how Bella describes Edward, how in love she is, how lustful she feels, it's like she doesn't have anything else to think about other than romance. how there are contradictions and plot holes which remain so until the end. Because of the ridiculous ideas of vampires and creatures which insult classic mythology. how women can't live without men. how to forget your life when you think your boyfriend forgets you. how to use your best friend as a rebound. how to not know who to choose. how love is so great you should be selfish instead of making  sacrifices. how superficial and perfect everything is, it's unrealistic, unlike in HP when even the heros have imperfections and the enemies have something good to offer. how people can't relate, unlike HP which is set in a magical world, but extremely relatable. How Bella is uh why does everybody like me and want me uh i don't understand uh i'm just a girl who blushes and trips over everything. How Meyer is nothing like Rowling, and Twi is nothing like HP, but Twitards dare to compare and say Twi is so much better. How Twitards are so obsessed with abs and looks. How they fail to give sensible reasons why "Harry Potter kinda sucks". How some Twitards talk and think with a mind of a... Twitard. and because of Twitards like this one.

So these are my reasons. they flow out of my mind like a flood and i don't even have to think much. I can go on and on about how HP is better and how it pwns Twi, but that can be later.

Did you know why we HP fans think "HP is SOOOO much better and trying to lord it all over us Twilight fans"? Because you, Twilight fans, are "just plain RUDE" first. 

Do we need to keep our mouth shut and respect Twitards when you lot are giving nonsense comments about how you’re more superior but everyone with a right mind know that you’re just desperate to prove an invalid argument? just sayin’. Twi is not LOTR or Narnia. Next time you want to argue, come out with clever responses and actual reasons.

Everyone has their taste, I understand. But please know your stand.

History of Harry Potter and Me: Our Journey

Let me tell you how I have come to love Harry Potter, every bit of it.

from the first line to the last

Hatred at the First Sight

My older brother who’s in his twenties, a workaholic engineer, was watching Sorcerer’s Stone on tv. He called me and said “watch this. It’s a great movie, about magic”.

I saw some special effects. I rolled my eyes. It didn’t interest me at all, in fact it annoyed me. Why would i watch a magical story which was not real? Nothing but a crappy lie. 

he was there from the very start until the very end. i envy him.

Unlike Hermione who's a know-it-all jumping up and down answering questions and studying all the time, I cared but I was more laid back. I did well in my final exam, earning me some prizes from the school. One of them was a HP pencil case. Guess what? I threw it into the garbage bin.

I don’t know why, but i hated it so much. I thought i was matured enough; i wouldn’t waste my time liking kiddie stuff.

It was only a glance; i didn’t give it a chance. I hated Harry Potter. And i was only 8.

Love on the First Page

I started reading at a very young age before I was even 6, thanks to my mother who taught me.  She, my father and the mentioned brother bought me books, so i was used to reading even as a child. But children books weren't really my cup of tea. I wasn't even interested in Enid Blyton's!



When i was 9, i was at a bookstore, looking for new books about ghosts, mysteries and spies. i saw an array of Harry Potter books. For unknown reasons, i shifted my attention to the series, something which had never happened.

Despite Harry Potter being the 'children book' I've always despised, I checked the titles one by one, read the synopsis. I bought book 2, Chamber of Secrets, which was in Malay version. Harry Potter dan Bilik Rahsia caught my eyes because i loved being secretive, i loved secrets.

I finished it in one day. I wasted no more ignorant time; i went to the same bookstore. And i bought book 1. I never had this feeling before.

i made this with love

I liked reading books. But i had never been this so much in love.

When people say the usual “don’t hate someone, you might love them someday, to the day you die”. I believe them.

It might not be a person, but i have been in love with something more for 8 years and still counting. Never stop counting.

Putera Berdarah Separuh

While waiting for the next sequels, I read more and more. I was never interested in typical chick flicks or superficial teen romance, even when I was barely a teen myself. Instead, I dive into stories with bitter reality I find at adult and bestseller sections. 

Because first, what use is there to read books with no life lesson? Second, books about life problems make me forget about my own, or at least feel I'm not alone. Third, because of Harry Potter.

It's ironic how a 'children book' matured my level of reading. That's one of the many reasons why HP is not a children book to me.


When i was 11, Book 6 came out. I went to the bookstore as soon as i could.

But it was too soon. i had been waiting for this moment for long, yet there i was standing in front of the rack, unable to find the Malay version. It was yet to be published. I stared at the title Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince.

What the hell was ‘half-blood’? Putera Berdarah Separuh? I couldn’t understand the meaning, how could i understand the whole book?

Finally after facing internal dilemma, i bought it.

My English improved drastically. I started to love learning a second language, maybe because i actually love the teacher this time.

I wasn’t raised in an English-speaking family. But people still ask me, how do i manage to write and speak, yes, not as excellent as some, but able still?

Well, how do you think i got started?

11 and Waiting

I always knew Harry Potter wasn’t real, it’s only another story. I’ve never waited for Hogwarts letter to be brought in by an owl, or for Prof Dumbledore to come explaining to my Muggle family who i really was and where i really belonged.

But it’s something i have imagined. How i was a Muggleborn, or a half blood, my dad was one of them, i would run through the barrier and be on the train to Hogwarts, get sorted, stay in a hostel where the food’s actually good, and get good results in OWL and NEWT.

I dreamt of it, especially when i was lonely, sad, angry, or just fed up facing my life. Whenever i had troubles and was sick of my own world, i’d pick a book, pick a page, and go to the place where everything’s magical. At times like this, I wished that it was real.

That's something that some people can't see. How the books help those with issues - by seeing the extraordinary wonders that don't exist in our lives, and by feeling the ordinary woes that also exist in the characters' lives. Some people have nothing else to hold on to - not a person, not a strength, not a hope, not a belief. By giving them someone to relate and somewhere to escape, Harry Potter save their lives.

Going Home to Deathly Hallows

In 2007, I was in MRSM Serting. I knew the finale book was to be published, it was everywhere. Everyday i checked the newspapers and if there were articles, or images, anything related to Harry Potter, i would paste them on my table in my class.

Whenever i called my mom, i’d remind her “Ma, remember to buy it on the first day, fans are ready to queue around the block and many have already pre-ordered. ask anyone to go to the midnight launching for me, pleaseee?”

On 21.7, i called my mom and before i could even ask, she told me that my Deathly Hallows was safe in my room. My brother went to buy it very early in the morning and yes, people were queuing. But it was mine now, waiting at home sweet home.

It was one of the happiest days in my depressing Serting life.

Before I went home, I tried to finish all assignments. Being ridiculously many, I had to do some at home. All done, I asked my mom where she hid it - she did on my request because the final book being the prize of my hardwork was the only way to get everything done on time. After that I wanted to do nothing but relax, with Deathly Hallows in my hands, finishing my journey at last.

It was one of the saddest day in my entire life.

When i was a kid, they were, too.

When Harry saw his dead parents in the mirror of erised and never wanted to look away, i could imagine how he felt. When he felt trapped, wanted to escape, i was with him. We had our chances. It worked for him, but not for me.

Ron was worried he couldn’t do enough to make his parents proud, because everything was already achieved by his older brothers. We both felt overshadowed.

Hermione, she might understand me. Yes, I don't jump up and down answering questions and study all the time, but there's more to her than that. Just as there's more to me that some can't see. Many we shared, many we felt, many in target. We could sit down and talk all day.
 

Together we join the battle of adolescence.

Boiling hormones, emotional fights, haters gonna hate, rumours spread and being whispered behind our backs, broken hearts and ruined friendships, between doubts and trust, true friends remain loyal and stand up to your enemies whether it was a blond brat or a noseless nemesis, blushing before first crush, jealousy kills, love found and love lost.

When there are times to handle the real world, i am not alone.

Some reporters tell lies. Newspapers are not the most reliable news source. Every ministry is corrupted. Powerful people do anything to bury the truth and to get what they want. Politics are dirty, the right people never win, their voices unheard. Innocent people are framed to look guilty, bad people walk away freely. Enemies put on a disguise and destroy us from the inside, or come public, share the hatred, and make us hide. Citizens are the victims to unjust government. The world, magical or muggle, are both unfair.

Reading Harry Potter, you’re learning about everything.

Love Is the Most Powerful Magic

In HP, you read how a mother died protecting her baby, thus giving him some sort of a protection which makes it impossible for enemies to harm the baby until he comes of age. How a man belongs to the darkness, but for love, he changes his route, pretends to still be someone evil when secretly he’s the hero, the bravest man i ever knew. How a devastated motherly woman killed for the agony of losing a dear son. How the devil's follower has the gut to lie to her master about a matter of life and death which contributes to the victory of the good side, all because of her love as a mother.

It’s not dark magic, it’s not special talents, it’s only love which gives Harry the ability defeat evil, which makes him The Chosen One whose destiny has been set in stone, no where to run. Love is what Harry’s got, and what Voldy knows not.

Death happens

You might not know how it feels, because it’s not happening to you. But in HP, parents die, friends die, teachers die, neighbours die, siblings die, people die.

I cried reading every single death scene. Sometimes tears just swam in my eyes; sometimes it took me hours to stop crying. Because i know first hand, that deaths hurt. Deaths kill us, the livings who have to endure the pain. Deaths change everything. You read in newspapers that a mother died, and feel sorry. Move on to the next page. But her husband and children won’t. They’ll keep mourning.

In HP, it makes losing loved ones seem more real. That it didn’t only happen to me. Because before knowing Harry, i never knew anyone else who had lost someone important. It gave the younger version of me someone to share my sorrow with.

You don’t like Harry Potter?

I too, hated Harry Potter. Thinking magic wasn’t for me, i preferred something ‘deep’ and ‘real’. Give it a chance. It turns out to be deeper and more real than anything fictional.

You hate the movies?

That’s the reason why i hated if at first, but now i don't anymore. Love lies hidden between words, not shown by something obvious. JKR isn’t the only billionaire writer for nothing, you know.

Did you know in HP there's a meaning or history, anything that has connection to the person, phrase, creature, event, everything? Voldemort means 'flight of death', for example. I love how JKR puts so much thoughts and efforts in what she writes.


She writes with both imagination and heart. for every character and storyline there's a depth, an inspiration, a motivation, and the right intention. she doesn't just write. she does more.

someone who has been through the worst is able to write the best story

You are a fan of the movies, but never read a page?

Do you know how to have a complete Harry Potter experience? The books. Where it all started. If you don't read the books, there are so many things you don't even know because the books are just the secret passageway to the real magical world. Think you've seen enough? The movies don’t even come close. Magic is not to be seen, but to be imagined.

The saddest part about the best thing is, others don’t understand

I read the books with a torchlight on at nights and under my school desk  during daylights. When I first knew how to use the internet, I didn't spend my time on social networking sites. Instead, I spent hours on HP websites, reading trivia and theories, about the actors and characters. 

I used to be alone when i started Harry Potter. People laughed at me for taking something so seriously, they thought it’s crazy. They thought i’m a nerd who has nothing better going on.

Avada Kedavra them, they don’t know a thing.

But now thanks to the internet, i’ve found people around the world who understand me perfectly. We might be worlds apart, but when it comes to this, we’re together.

I don’t feel alone now.

The End of Something

The ending is significant to me because i feel like this ending is the beginning of me being an adult. of not only being the girl who spends countless hours leaving this world where horrible things happen and entering a world of magic that's still true to some parts of our lives, but i have to start making magic happens.




I’m 17 and it's time to be somebody. The timing is perfect. What’s waiting after high school is real. The real world is waiting, not the magical world where i used to escape.

But whenever i'm lonely and need a company, i can always open the books, read another chapter, and reunite with them, right?





Harry Potter is not a trend or a phase. When I'm old people will ask me "After all this time?"


"Always."


Now that's not an obsession or seasonal. That's phenomenal.

I’m one of those devoted Potterheads who has sleepless nights reading the books in one sitting, more sleepless nights rereading the books like I don't know the ending, anticipates the countdown to book launching and movie premieres, checks the calendar to book movies tickets, buys the DVD collection, discussed on the internet about what would happen in Book 7, who would die, live, end up together, made up our own theories, got in fights over who’s good and evil, listens to Wizard Rock genre, likes fan fictions, shares fanmade videos, creates fan arts, gets alert when someone says anything Potter-related, enjoys A Very Potter Musical and Potter Puppet Pals, shops online merchandises, dreams to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, desires to pass on this magic to our children, opens a page whenever i feel upset and meets the boy who had it worse, who actually lived in a cupboard under the stairs, sobs while watching the trailers, cries, laughs, hates and loves with the characters, i’m one of them whose life is changed forever.

I’m a proud fan who belongs to the Harry Potter Generation. Until the very end.