Random Return

I SAID I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY BLOG

i didn't know i was lying :(

i couldn't imagine life without blogging then... funny how things turned out. scary too... makes you think what kind of person you are. am i gonna abandon something else when i promised not to, like i did to my blog? we'll never know.

tetiba deep.

gawd. okay instead of moaning let's just start writing about something else!

oh my god i didn't even write about the whole time i've been in the UK, about going back to malaysia, and now back in UK again... guys i am sad. help

maybe that's for next time... after i actually start writing again. now, let's start with something... random.

like, RANDOM QUESTIONS! 

(i googled what to write for an hour before i found this)

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

24. I don't even know why. there might be a reason, but unconsciously? lulul

2. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

kindness. everybody needs to be freaking kinder. when you're kind, you'll try to understand better, and if you can't, you'll at least embrace acceptance and practice tolerance. if the whole world is kind there would be no bloody war, gaddamit

3. If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be?

be trustworthy, yet don't trust just anybody. i mean yeah, with pedo case on the rise now, like, why not. it's a good advice!

4. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

i'd kill for a loved one.

5. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yes. i want to let go. but the thorns of regret and disdain, they prick my fingers, piercing my palm and now i'm stuck holding on to it. 

6. Why are you, you?

because i wouldn't want me to be any other way. okla the long answer:

i'm me because i have had strong principles since i was a kid, i don't know where that came from. i'm me because i grew up crying and wanting a different life. i'm me because i still cry at 21 but i don't wish for a different life now. i'm me because i've been hurt and the pain never really left. i'm me because i have achieved things that made me so relieved, and i have also felt so hopeless. i'm me because i have been happy to the point i feel undeserving of it and unfamiliar with it. I'm me because i've had to be the bad guy in some people's stories. i'm me because i have good common sense since i was so young, being aware of things my peers weren't. i'm me because i know myself. i'm me because i'm a potato but a perfectionist, an overachiever but a lazy-arse. i'm me because i've made mistakes and i've been wronged. i'm me because i've lost people and loved others. i'm me because i'm predday darn cool liddat.

here's a random picture

7. What are you most grateful for?

my mother.

now i wanna cry

8. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were really upset? does it matter now?

5 years ago would be... 2010. ahaha i was really upset because all my close friends left me alone for boarding school and there was a period of time when i felt friendless, i'd even excuse myself from class, go to the toilet to blink back tears aggressively lol. on top of that, we had this super dramatic drama involving a teacher, let's just leave it at that. but we were miserable, me and my new friends, for a while ha. i was sad that my boarding school friends would only excitedly talk to each other about their new school, because why would you ask how ama was doing at lembah??? same ol', same ol' right. i remember texting my primary school friend aisyah, during hari anugerah cemerlang when my friends came back for PMR prize giving ceremony. i told aisyah how secluded and ignored i felt, when i had been waiting for that day to come. but it seemed like nobody was waiting to see me. emo. but rightfully so. ku terima banyak anugerah namun apalah maknanya jika rasa tak dihargai rakan. loool. lagi satu, ada la sorang budak ni kan dia sejak masuk asrama kirim salam je nak tanya khabar taknak. aku pun makin emo.

but now... none of that matters :') this time i'm the one who left my friends for uni abroad! but i'm still alone hahaha that's alright mate i'm 5 years older. now i'm all gloriously alone. but friends still 4ever. and the new friends i made 5 years ago? they're my 5ever! budak asrama tu pulak bukan je tanya khabar, benda lain pun dia dah tanya sekarang ni. ama hepi. 

9. What is your happiest childhood memory? what makes it so special?

i don't know which, and i don't know much, but this one comes to mind. i told babah how mama pegang kuat-kuat tangan adik masa jalan. and babah told me, sebab mama sayang adik.

10. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

let everyone read everything i ever wrote, about life, loss, and love.

this feels like the first time blogging again. but i made it!

okbye see you next year LOL

Flying Off #2: Farewell Friends

since i don't think anyone would be eager to read my life story and in this case my road to UK, so i'm writing it at my own pace... can ah? can. nobody wants to read it, but i do. the sole purpose of me blogging now is so i can read my own blog. ~very da vain~ ~narcissistic much~ ~syok sendiri~ what's that? eh suka hati akula. banyak sebab kay baca blog sendiri. tu la orang taktau. ce muhasabah sikit. hm. ok so since my own pace is one thats hella slow, i'm blogging about things which happened like, three months ago. heh. it's not how fast you go, as long as you do not stop. lulz.

did you know, that i actually had doubts about flying? dahlah sekolah rendah lagi dah berangan stadi obesi. dahlah cuba berusaha sejak dulu masa orang tak kisah pasal masa depan kau dah kisah sangat. dahlah malas tahap apa i no kid you but yes i struggled despite the kemalasan with the help of nescafe, last minute adrenaline rush, genetic composition LOL, miracles, luck, and alhamdulillah sister, doa. dahlah kawan-kawan dan cikgu-cikgu pun tau kau nak fly dan nak kau fly. dahlah masuk intec yang buat hidup tunggang langgang dari segala segi tapi berjaya keluar dan masih hidup. dahlah keputusan pun lepas masa orang lain berjuang untuk dapat peluang lepastu boleh pulak nak ragu-ragu jadah. dahlah dahlah dahlah infinity. jadi tau tak tahap mengarut dia camne bila boleh pulak nak fikir dulu nak fly ke tidak?

pebendala ama.

sampai mak aku pun kata, Allah pun konfius dengan budak ni. dulu mintak kemain, sekarang Aku dah kasi taknak pulak? hahaha. mama pun tak benti doa sejak dulu. aku pun. dua doa sejak kecik yang konsisten: 1. untuk mama 2. untuk dapat the best result in every test and exam in order to study overseas. and after everything won and lost, i dared to have doubts? hahAHAHah.

tapi ma, rasa berat nak pergi ni pun sebab mama jugak salah satunya. i legit asked if ma felt berat hati to let me go, i wouldn't. because before i went to mrsm, which was what i also wanted since forever and i was only 13 to want something that much since my version of forever, i felt berat hati and ma apparently felt the same thing. then tadaaa, i left mrsm 7 months later. but ma seemed to be at ease this time. despite makcik-makcik's and pakcik-pakcik's doubts about mama letting me go, mama didn't have any doubt. so shouldn't i.

another thing is, i didn't feel i deserve it. when i want something, i must get it. once i get it, i don't feel i deserve it. afraid to rejoice. fear that bad things will take place. the classic case of feeling undeserving. as always. i still don't deserve it. but Allah is still the Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. it's not just about flying, it's about... um, some other things as well. which i had always wanted, and i finally got it. but i kept asking, why?

"Kenapa tetiba kita dapat semua yg kita nak?"
"Sebab ama dah lama tak dapat apa yg ama nak."
:')

Just have faith. As always.


Don't worry too much ama, the future is the future. whatever will happen in the future should not influence what happens now, just as what happened in the past shouldn't. live in the moment!

and i've never been much of a living in the moment kind of person. well except when i'm procrastinating and become blind to the consequences of my action, or inaction if you may. but the rest of the day, i'm always living in either the past, or the future. like now. the past disappoints me and the future excites me, and i'm always living in between. but thats not for this post.

i told myself to accept whatever that will come, and for now my chance came. so i accepted it :)


the photos for this post are of me and my friends in our little farewell get together :")

Hari Hipster

the first one was with C1 Chicks. geli tak? geli sebab nama tu aku yg bagi. hakhakhak. good friends, good food, good place to take pictures, good looking waiter... what else not to love about Lapis Cafe? dahlah lama gila duduk situ pastu bising pastu bergambar sakan. nasib baik tak kena halau.

thanks melah, peqah, nawa, hajer, wani :) thanks melah sebab kasi Amalina's Survival Kit yang comel comel sangat isinyaaa. masa kasi tu melah yang sebak, lulz. pastu masa balik pun peluk peluk melah sebak lagi. because it was the last time i saw them, or so i thought. but for those yang belajar jauh, memang the last time lah. bye :')

you girls went to boarding schools, leaving me alone. now i'm going to uni, leaving you, still alone too. pray for me :( since form 1 till 5ever!

but before that,

HAHAHAH

this is what it means by growing mature (girly) together. haz and i killing time because we arrived like, hours early. which was no problemo because we spent an hour in the car being bimbos. just us girls turning up the radio, trying on make up, taking selfies and stuffs. 

it wasn't obvious because we were going for the natural look... ok... we tried...

OK IT WASN'T EVEN MAKE UP! HAPPY?!

then peqah and wani joined us in, as haz called my blue baby, 'kereta bimbo ama'.

before that aktiviti berbimbo dibawa ke luar dengan meminum Boost (bukan booze) sambil mendengar girl talk wani. jarang jumpa. setahun adalah dua kali purata. sekali jumpa terkeluar semua cerita hahah. sebagai ama, gua dengar je dan tolong bantu mana boleh :3

tapi ama juga perlukan bantuan. dalam kereta bimbo ama inilah ama dapat tahu yang sebenarnya apa dia buat selama ini salah!!! :O ogod what have i done, said ama to herself... sepatutnya... tak patut. tak patut ama guna sabun badan untuk sabun muka. hahahaha. all the girls be like "amaaa!! kenooot! rosak kulit muka nanti! stahppp! nooo!" mana la aku tau??? or aku tau. tapi takdela ambik serius. taula nak cuci muka kena guna pencuci muka. tapi selama ni aku guna sabun badan je ok wat... taktaula pulak tak boleh sampai begitu sekali. ya. sebenarnya aku cuci muka masa mandi dengan sabun badan, sue me. kalau aku cuci muka bebetul guna pencuci muka pun, adala seminggu sekali. dua, tiga kali kalau rajin. kalau tak memang main redah je. lecehla kena cuci muka hari-hari, tahu? sabun jela sekali masa mandi? kan cam baby. hakhakhak.

aku rasa aku pakai cream dengan compact powder pun dah cukup effort. toner, moisturizer, pebenda tah lagi tu semua... malas la k. malas. ada orang lagi la kuar rumah tak pakai pape. i mean, tak pakai pape kat muka. hm. tahla, aku rasa tak selamat letak macam-macam kat muka. untuk kebaikan kulit pun, chemical jugak semua tu. ke camne? ke aku taknak muka teruk bila tua nanti sebab pakai bebenda tu, tapi sebenarnya muka akan jadi teruk sebab tak pakai? argh dilemma. lulz.

somebody research this for me please. by research i mean get in the lab and experiment it yourself :3

then i met these girls at school :)

 

i was at school to see my teachers, and ah. it felt good. to talk to them, and thank them. sat in the lab and ate at the canteen with the girls like the old days. at first we thought it was going to be our last time seeing each other, so this was like the goodbye hugs. they were going somewhere without me sobs. i had to go shopping right after that for things to wear on the next day: the pre-departure program. we had to wear what we'd wear on the day we'd fly off, uuuuu. lol.

a few times they asked me betul taknak ikut ni? they even told diena to go with me hahaha sebab, kamon ar, jumpa sekejap je?? aizureen pun macam, takkan camni je??? takpela, i said. you girls just go. if you come with me or i come with you nanti gelabah terkejar-kejar pulak tak dapat enjoy pun. bye, toleh belakang pandangan terakhir sambil sambung menapak ke bilik guru :')

but who were we kidding. then i got a text from aizureen. so we went out on another day.

kalini puas la sikit, dapat makan-makan, gossip-gossip, sembang-sembang...

dan aku takkan lupa soalan pejah "panjang ke pendek?"

HAHAHAHAHAH I COULD CRYYYY OMG PEJAH PLS

dah habis makan-makan, gossip-gossip, sembang-sembang kat kl festival city, balik sambung pulak kat wangsa walk. hahahah kan aku dah kataaa muka kitorang ni pegi la mana pun, last-last wangsa walk jugak tempat kembali. wwm sentiasa di hati.

time ni ada aizureen, diena dengan aku je. sembang kat kafe sampai malam. ni sembang serius. sembang masalah hidup selama tidak lagi hidup bersama ni. sembang hal stress tapi gelak sampai hilang nafas. dalam beberapa jam, sempatlah disimpulkan walaupun tak semua. walaupun tak macam dulu. tapi jadilah. rindu :')

Siang gelak2. Malam deep. Cuba bukak cerita dua tahun dalam beberapa jam. Tak dapatla kan, tapi puas. Dengar cerita kawan yg dah lama tak dengar cerita, yg dulu masa sekolah hari2 tu jelah keje kita. Kat kelas sembang, kat lab sembang, stayback sembang, online sembang, bila je tak berborak cuba cakap. Sampai keje tak siap hahaha. Rindu.

You guys gave me the best last memories of high school. You were there when i thought i was all alone. Who would have thought we'd be friends like we were after our friends were gone. Who knew we'd share secrets and stories like we did. thank you :)

yes, i have two different groups of friends from high school, and they're all the best. different people in different phases, with different me and different stories, but i love them just the same. friends from high school, there's just something about them. or something about you, the old, younger, different you. that makes the friendships worth your ego, worth the pain. because sometimes it can't be all rainbows, there's gotta be a little rain. it's worth it.

enough friends for a lifetime :)

Amalina's Survival Kit: you and your prayers ;)

A Little Thing Called Love

khamis lepas aku dapat satu mimpi. mimpi ni lain macam sikit. 

aku mimpi ada laki datang jumpa mak aku sebab nak kawen dengan aku. laki tu ialah.......... MARIO MAURER! WEH WEH WEHHHHHHHHHH! ok ama, tarik nafas. mereka mungkin taktau siapakah gerangan mamat mario ni sebenarnya. WEH MARIO KOT OK LEK. so izinkan saya membuka cerita ye.

banyak aku nak cite ni. about the dream, the guy, the movie and my memories :3

THE DREAM

dalam mimpi tu aku ngan dia ni kira cam bercinta la, haha. alah apa ada hal aku pernah mimpi kapel ngan fahrin ahmad kot weh weh WEH. aku ngan mario siap bersaya awak lagi ya tuhannn comelnya diaaa! kitorang sembang semua pastu dia senyum kat aku ngan muka perfect camtu ok boleh tak aku cair sekarang boleh tak cubalah bayangkannn! walaupun mimpi, tapi ada la pengalaman merasa ok tsk hahah.

satu hari ni (berhari-hari ke apa mimpi kau) lepas kitorang jalan-jalan kat kawasan rumah aku (pebenda ni kata mimpi alang-alang gi la paris ke ish) dia hantar aku balik sampai depan pintu rumah. aku sajela jadi sopan tanya nak masuk tak? muka dia tetiba serius. dia kata nak. ah sudah. aku hanya berbasa basi! dia cakap nak jumpa mak aku. time tu aku dah okay.... nebes tapi eksaited hihiks. tapi kita tak bincang apa-apa pun lagi awak! lulz. mak aku tengah tengok cerita indon, time tu after solat jumaat. aku pun taktau apa logiknya aku date ngan dia kat kawasan sekitar bila orang lalu lalang nak gi masjid. jangan cuba di rumah ye. aku cakap ma dia nak jumpa. mak aku tensyen sebab kena tutup tv. aku suruh ma siap cecepat sebab dia dah masuk dalam rumah tapi tak masuk bahagian dalam lagi kat ruang tamu. dia tunggu je kat situ. nasib baik tetiba ada air sirap atas meja, so aku tuangkan je takyah bancuhkan hahaha keji. aku suruh dia masuk. pastu aku masuk bilik. nak cari something tapi last-last aku tak keluar terus, biarlah hanya orang tua yang berbincang ihiks. lama kot bincang. aku dengar je. mak aku macam taknak cecepat, yela aku takde cakap pape kat mak aku pastu kau datang rumah tetiba camni kan, aku pun terkejut. dia pujuk. lelama dia emo. sebab mak aku tak kasi dia kawen ngan aku HAHAH OK JANGAN GELAK. dia emo emo pastu aku rasa takleh jadi ni, so aku keluar je. tetiba kat ruang tamu dah ramai orang, ada abang-abang aku la sape la. aku cakap apa tah, tapi cam dah lah tu. aku marah dia. abang aku sorang pun terus "ah malasla aku tunggu lagi" pastu blah lol. aku cakap kat mario, ehhem lebih kurang camni "yang awak nak emo kat mak saya kenapa? saya pun nak tapi kalau tak boleh sekarang takpela. cakapla elok elok. awak dah tau dia nak jadi mak mertua awak pastu awak buat camni pulak, awak ingat dia nak ke?" HAHAHA OK KELAKAR GILAAAA TAPI MIMPI NI HARUS DIABADIKAN DALAM KENANGAN. MARIO MAURER DOH MARIOOO OK. time tu muka dia comel gila alahaaaai aku tensyen kat kau sebab paksa paksa mak aku tapi aku sayang kau janganla buat muka camtu mariokuuuuuu. jangan putus asa. nanti kita pujuk mama saya, ok bebi? 

ok the psychology behind dreams.

tau tak, semua orang yang kita pernah mimpi, kita pernah tengok dorang in real life? maksudnya kita takkan mimpi orang yang kita tak pernah nampak, sebab camne otak kau nak cipta satu muka baru? kalau orang dalam mimpi tu bermuka la. kalau tak... bangun mengucap har har. kita maybe tak ingat, tapi actually otak kita simpan imej orang tu. so bila aku mimpi mario senyum kat aku, buat muka comel gila nak mati, pandang aku dengan pandangan kasih sayang (hahaha), muka stress and sedih sebab tak dapat kahwin ngan aku cecepat (hahahaha) tu semua muka dia yang aku pernah tengok dalam movie. omaagaaaad!

walaupun kalau boleh memang aku nak kapel ngan fahrin tapi kawen ngan mario. mungkin mimpi tu tak bermaksud aku memang nakkan mereka, tapi ada maksud tersendiri. bila kita nak tafsir mimpi sendiri, kita akan subjektif. itu membuatkan tafsiran kita unreliable. macam tetiba aku terfikir, mungkin aku mimpi ni sebab.... padahal i might just be trying to fit my dream into my reality. my dream is the manifest content. but the meaning of that dream is the latent content, which we have to interpret. you're just influenced by your thoughts, desires, fears, be it unconscious or not. tapi mungkin mimpi hanya mimpi. orang kata mimpi mainan syaitan, aku kata mimpi mainan otak kita. Sigmund Freud pun cakap sometimes a cigarette is just a cigarette, despite him interpreting everything as having meaning. if it's good, just enjoy the dream because even though it's only a dream, for a moment you actually feel it is real, even though it's not in the real world. to me, that's good enough because it actually did 'happen'. ok? pesan kat diri sendiri sobs.

cukup pasal mimpi.

jadi mari kita cerita pasal mario pula. siapa mario maurer?

THE GUY

oh mamat ni je

.................

weh

WEH

WEHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CAN YOU NOT I CAN'T EVEN 

sumpah first time aku tengok dia aku tak rasa dia hensem. aku mana la minat mamat jambu thailand korea jepun ni, taste aku either pure melayu atau omputeh terus, pastu haruslah jantan ahaha banyak songeh kau, tak sedar diri. tapi lama-lama tengok... dia.... perfect. tak sesepet korea jepun, dan tak semelayu laki mesia, dia...... just perfect. ceyy

movie pertama aku tengok dia berlakon, A Little Thing Called Love. cerita ni comel camtu jela pada aku, tapi ending dia omagaaaaaad COMEL GILAAAAAAA! ending dia yang best, terbaik. kawan aku cakap dia menangis tengok cite ni. so the whole movie aku tunggu part mana la yang sedih ni? takde pun.... tak best ah kelakar je. i like it to be deep lol. sekali menjelang akhir cerita, menitik-nitik air mata. air mata sedih and hepi and i want it too but it's never gonna happen in real life it's too good to be true why can't it be me???!! lol. kalau suruh aku tengok balik cerita ni, boleh. tapi aku terus skip gi ending. for first timers kena la tengok dari awal, sebab ada plot twist di akhir cerita :3

meh aku cite cerita ni pasal apa dengan plot twist and ending sekali. maklumlah aku kan suka bercerita siap kasi spoiler lagi. 

THE MOVIE

kisah seorang budak perempuan yang dari tak cantik menjadi cantik dari tak pandai menjadi pandai senang cerita dari loser menjadi popular. kenapa? sebab dia suka sorang budak laki ni. itu usaha dia untuk budak laki tu sedar kewujudan dia seterusnya menyukai dia juga. sekali bila dah cantik, pandai dan popular, kawan budak laki tu pulak suka dia. mereka pun kapel. tapi dia masih suka budak laki tu. hari terakhir sekolah, mengenangkan it's a now or never thing, dia confess kepada laki tu. tapi dia dapat tau laki tu baru kapel ngan pompuan lain. pastu dia berlalu pergi menangis. 

that is her side of the story. not the whole story. jeng jeng jeng THIS IS THE BEST PART AT THE END OF THE MOVIE IT SHOWS HIS SIDE OF THE STORY ASDFGHJKL

his side of the story: ok aku takleh cerita. lagi feeling kalau tengok sendiri. sebab aku baik, nah video untuk mudahkan hidup korang. sebab aku annoying, aku paksa korang tengok. TENGOK AKU KATA!!

this is her confession

KAU TAKLEH RASA KE perasaan dia masa dia mengaku semua tu sambil berair mata pastu tersenyum takleh rasa ke kesedihan dia masa dia cuba nampak lek terima kenyataan pastu jatuh swimming pool basah basah depan crush dia pastu  tahan air mata berlalu pergi konon ok? TAK RASA KE T__T

this is his secret

TOLONGLAH TENGOK NI BENDA PALING SWEET + SEDIH TAU TAK

KAU TAKLEH RASA KE perasaan dia masa dia senyum sorang-sorang terkenang masa dia usha pompuan tu diam diam masa dia kata she looks the same kat orang tapi dalam hati cute as always takleh rasa ke kesedihan dia bila dia takut setiap kali dia nak confess kat pompuan tu pastu dia kecewa ngan diri sendiri sebab dia takut masa dia kasi bunga tapi pusing belakang pastu muka cam kenapa aku ni tak cakap je aku yang kasi masa dia nak confess akhirnya tapi kawan dia confess dulu pastu dia sedih kat tangga weh muka dia time tu WEH  masa kawan dia mintak dia jangan suka pompuan tu dia terpaksa setuju pastu dia sedih sebab dia takleh buat pape sambil tengok diari dia WEH

seriously macam-macam bunyi kuar dari mulut aku masa aku tengok video ni.  

silalah jeles dia buat muka camni dalam mimpi aku UNTUK AKU

muka camni jugak bila dia tak dapat kawen ngan aku HAHAHA

seriouslah kalau ada manusia yang cakap ending dia tak best memang i'm judging you. kau ni takde perasaan ke apa hah?! oh mungkin sebab tak cukup pengalaman untuk mendalami perasaan mereka, hew hew.

it gives us hopes, but still it's too good to be true. a prince charming falls in love with an ugly duckling? unlikely. lepas habis cerita ni, hepi untuk dorang tapi sedih untuk diri sendiri. makin down adalah sebab memang takkan terjadi! plot twist gila bila he likes you all along. tapi lagi plot twist sebab he likes you even when you think you're not worthy to be noticed. he sees you when you're invisible. ah dusta je semua tu!

dua-dua menyedihkan, tapi laki ni aku rasa paling kesian. pompuan tu at least ada tempat nak mengadu, nak bercerita, meluahkan kat kawan-kawan dia. tapi laki ni ada diari je lol. pastu dia kena tengok best friend dia date dengan perempuan yang dia chentaa. and then dia takleh buat pape walaupun dia nak. pompuan tu walaupun malu sebab confess tapi tak dilayan pastu jatuh swimming pool lak tu takleh nak pathetic lagi ke depan laki yang dichentai, and sedih sebab rasa cinta dia tak dibalas, at least dia dah cakap. dia dah lepaskan beban yang menghimpit jiwa. lulz. so dia ingat dia memang takde harapan and dia boleh move on, lupakan takdela stuck with you lagi. laki tu? simpan la lagi tunggu la lagi terseksala sorang diri. tolonglah bersyukur jika anda bukan mereka.

so don't wait until it's too late! don't be afraid! take your chances! at least you try! or you'll always be wondering why!

nampak tak betapa laki ni bukan je boleh buat muka comel tapi pandai buat muka sedih :3

dalam video tadi ada cakap 9 years later kan? ha jeng jeng jeng.....

OMAGAD SWEETNESS OVERLOAAAD

tapi gila nak tunggu 9 tahun. tahniahlah p'shone dapat bertahan. saya kat sini tunggu awak lagi. sobs

MY MEMORIES

aku rekemen semua orang tengok cerita ni. bukan je sebab sweet sedih kesian kelakar semua ada, tapi sebab cerita ni macam kenangan kot. kenangan zaman sekolah, era suka suki. kalau korang macam aku la. eheh. budak-budak tak matang buat macam-macam. heh heh. sentimental nostalgic giteww.

PEOPLE WHO WATCH THIS TRAILER HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE EXPERIENCE

so i'm gonna share something which is so rare: mine. heheehehe.

WALK PASS BY JUST TO SEE HIS FACE

but when he saw mine i looked away cey

KEEP HIS THINGS AS SOUVENIR 

sekotak ferrero rocher, sehari sebiji je makan. haruslah. muka cam aku mana pernah dapat hadiah dari crush sobs. sebulan aku tunggu. bukan aku tunggu hadiah pun, aku tunggu wish je. kemain kau simpan sebulan wish ngan hadiah sekali, apesal tah. tapi takpe. saya tak meminta nom nom nom. pembalut coklat, kad pokemon, surat koyak daripada kertas buku tulis pun dijadikan khazanah.

CALL HIM JUST TO HEAR HIS VOICE

ni masa darjah 6. aku selalu call crush aku, betapa comelnya zaman tu bukan semua budak ada fon, so aku call rumah je. lagipun takdela dia tau number aku hihihi. bila dia angkat "hello?" melompat-lompat dengar suara crush guling-guling atas katil hahaha. call lagi "hello? sape ni?", tahan napas, letak. tetiba satu hari, aku call macam biasa, dia angkat dan berkata "aku tau ni sape." WEH TERUS LETAK TOBAAAT. aku taktaula dia gertak je ke dia bebetul tau, tapi kat sekolah takde tanda pun dia tau tu aku. aku buat dek je ngan dia, buat cam biasa sebab ni crush memain gitu. tapi gedik kemain hmph.

aku ada lagi satu crush masa darjah 6. tapi masa berlainanla hew hew. aku tak call dia, sebab dia ada fon and kitorang memang kawan. so penahla main mesej semua. nanti dia tau la tu aku. solusinya aku suruh member aku call kan. tanya beday bagai. padahal bukan aku nak wish or kasi hadiah pun, just nak tau. nak ada serba sedikit informasi mengenai si dia lolol. bolehla aku cek bahagian horoskop aku serasi tak ngan dia HAHAHA WTH. layankan jela. bebudak. so kawan aku pun layankan je permintaan aku. aku siap kasi arahan jadi direktor sediakan dialog, "kau call dia tanya beday, cakap kau buat survey." patuh gila mamat tu, ikut je apa aku suruh. memandangkan aku pun jadi kuli dia jugak bila melibatkan crush dia. kami bantu-membantu camtu. balik sekolah jalan kaki sesama, cite pasal crush memasing. pernah sekali "weh jalan sebelah aku, pastu kau pandang belakang cek dia tengok tak kita. biar dia jeles" lolololol. banyak la peranan dia dalam drama aku dan crush (-crush) ku. lulz.

APEK YOU'RE DA MAN! :'D

DOES EVERYTHING TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL

masa ni aku tak kisah lagi rupa bentuk aku camne. biasalah sekolah rendah. kisah pun bukan buat apa, makan camtu gak burger sekali dua lol. stended la aku kejar budak laki ngan pembaris sebab dorang ejek aku gemuk. kengkadang satu sekolah aku kejar. kengkadang tak bawak pembaris, bawak tangan je. sebab tangan aku sekali penampar memang kau menyesal tak sudah. dulu zaman aku menampar laki, aku bukan jenis "hehehe awak ni" pap lembut. tapi "KAU PEHAL CARI PASAL?!" PANGGG! 

ada sorang kawan aku mulut ala-ala azwan ali sikit, jadi aku salu dok menampar dia tapi tak pernah ambik pengajaran. setiap kali aku tampar, muka dia merah cam tomato. telinga merah cam nak berasap. kalau kat bahagian boleh nampak tu memang nampakla merah kulit dia. kah kah kah. aku tak tampar pompuan sangat, kecuali sorang ni. tu pun sebab dia lagi besar daripada aku so aku rasa tak efek la tamparan wanita ku. tapi dia pun mesti mengerang kuat kalau aku tampar. maaflah ye tangan saya memang tak reti bajet speed and strength nya.

ada sorang budak ni. dialah yang paling aku menyampah, mulut paling patut dicili. dalam ramai-ramai memang aku benci gila dia. suka hati kau je nak ejek aku kau ingat kau hensem sangat?! sampai darjah 4 kami sentiasa bercakaran dan berkejaran (taula kau kurus tp jangan ingat kau boleh lari). masuk darjah 5.... plot twist: dia suka aku. hahahaHAHAHAHA APA TAK DENGAR, LAGI SEKALI? KAU SUKA BUDAK GEMUK NI?! last-last dia la yang paling jadi kenangan aktiviti luar bilik darjah aku time tu hew hew. sekarang dia dah bertahun dengan makwe dia. ingatlah, sebelum kau bersama perempuan hotstuff itu, kau pernah menyukai perempuan cold storage ini untuk setahun dua. gudbai.

ni pulak kisah form 2. mamat ni dikira paling hensemla ketika itu dalam kalangan kami. digilai junior dan diminati rakan sebaya. dia pun aku menyampah dan mulut patut dicili. time tu laaa time tu k jangan pusing cite pastu mengadu domba heh. dia baik memang baik, tapi mengundang. aku jenis malas layan dak laki kalau dorang ajak gaduh. dak laki kan suka menyakat. dak pompuan layan pulak tu, padahal tau sangat nanti kau jugak yang stress. so aku biar je kalau dia cakap pape. orang cakap sebab tu aku cool dan tak emo, aku taktaula kekeke. dia pun cakap camtu. tapi ada sekali, aku balas balik. balas balas balas. tetiba ada budak cakap something like "korang ni gaduh gaduh nanti kawen kang" pastu mamat tu cakap "amalina ni? kau suruh dia turunkan berat dia dulu".... KUAJJAAA LUUUUU! tapi aku just kata "kuajja haha" pastu pandang tempat lain. takut pandang dia lama-lama kang ada gak makan penampar wanitaku setelah dua tahun aku pencen. tak lama kemudian.... plot twist: dia suka aku. wehhh aku rasa puas gilaaaa! cam nak cakap je "aik aku tak sempat turunkan berat, kau dah suka aku?" I SO WINNNNN

sumpah aku taktau kenapa budak-budak ni boleh ada perasaan sedemikian. pernah tengok aku masa darjah 5, masa form 2? kalau pernah kau fahamla kenapa haha. aku rasa itu karma. tu la, orang-orang tua dah kata. jangan benci, nanti suka. jangan mengutuk orang, nanti dapat laki/bini cam dia. kah kah kah. nasib baiklah setakat crush kat sekolah semata. tapi terima kasih for seeing me when i was invisible. lol. it was memorable :'D

TIME CHANGES, PEOPLE CHANGE, BUT THE HEART REMAINS TRUE

wrong. the heart changes. unless it has found the right one. only waiting for the right time.

time is the variable, and the person is the constant.

tetiba deep.

"maybe you won't be seeing him again in this life, aren't you going to do something?"

i wrote a letter to my crush. actually my friends and i wrote it. crush memain yang aku salu call tu, jadi tiada emosi berat dan perasaan sebenar di situ. bolehla dikongsi dengan rakan-rakan tersayang proses nak confess. cuma..... aku tak confess untuk diri sendiri. aku confess untuk sorang lagi budak yang memang suka dia. hahahaha. well that was me and my girls; the whatever club. being mean in high school was too mainstream. so we did all sorts of things in primary school hehehe. sebab tu sampai sekarang sesapa from the same school ingat kitorang. kitorang tulis nama budak pompuan tu, pastu suruh kawan aku dak laki yang aku salu tampar sampai muka merah tu kasikan kat crush aku. macam-macam kitorang tulis. tapi takdela kejam sangat, memandangkan satu sekolah tau budak pompuan tadi suka budak laki tu. dia tak malu mengaku. tapi budak laki tu buat dek je kat dia. so aku tolong dia by mengaku lagi sekali. ngehehe. it was the second last day of primary school. the day upsr result came out. pastu dak laki tu dapat tau surat tu bukan dak pompuan tu kasi. dia mula tanya orang sape kasi surat tu sebenarnya. time tu cuak terkantoi ngan cuak dapat result bergabung jadi satu. cuak nak mati la jadinya. insaf.

BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF EVERYONE

so true!

it brings back memories :')

Cupcake Untuk Cikgu, Sesat Dengan Kawan

Masa aku dapat tau yang sekolah buat sambutan hari guru dua kali, aku rasa pebenda so lame pehal separuh-separuh hari ni. sesaat kemudian terus excited sebab dapat pegi sambutan hari guru! yeaaaay!

kalau tak sedih gak ah tak dapat pegi last week. first time tak pegi sambutan hari guru. before ni exam ke apa ke mesti pergi sebab sambutan best, nak tengok persembahan, nak enjoy dengan kawan.... eh and of course nak jumpa cikgu-cikgu nak minta maaf minta berkat ucap terima kasih semua :'D

oh btw if you miss teacher's day celebration because you choose to study, i'm judging you. taula tengah exam week. kalau kata sebab tak cukup study, ingat kitorang ni cukup sangat study sangat ke? padahal kalau hari lepak camni pun kau study, apatah lagi hari lain kan. yang tak gi sebab study ni la yg study hari-hari. patutnya dah terlebih cukup study dah tu, baikla datang sekolah minta cikgu redhakan semua ilmu semua salah kita. 

sekian, nasehat.

aku cadangkan buat cupcakes sesama untuk kasi cikgu-cikgu. aku serius. dorang setuju, cakap buat kat rumah aizureen. pastu aku cadangkan sleepover kat rumah aizureen untuk buat cupcakes tu. aku memain. sekali aizureen kata haa boleh siap semangat ajak reramai lagi pastu sanggup ambik kitorang sengsorang kat rumah. terkezut ai, ai jk je yu. tapi ajakan jangan ditolak sebab bukan salu dia baik camni hahaha. 

so rabu lepas kitorang pun memulakan misi.

misi prektis menjadi housewife mithali

"takpe faten, dorang tau apa nak beli. kita buat je tugas kita: 'mendokumentasi'"

dokumentasi bukan promosi diri

calon-calon isteri mithali insyaAllah hihihi

(ni baru promosi. eh)

kemudian balik rumah aijugheen. kalau dah namanya perempuan, bukan masuk dapur terus. er ke kitorang je pompuan camni. haruslah sesi catch up dulu, kata lama tak jumpa. last time last raya kot, masa pergi beraya rumah cikgu-cikgu. duduk baring golek-golek gossip dulu, ala ritual biasa perjumpaan sesama kita.

sampai turn aku, tersampai topik yang aku memang taknak sentuh: study. topik yang masa dorang sembang aku dah dok diam. aku taknak cakap pasal ni, sebab aku taknak tensi. tapi benda tensi tu lah bila kita dah sentuh, kita mesti tergali terus. terpaksa aku bukak cerita pasal final exam haritu. cerita yang aku tak bukak pun lagi kat blog ni. cerita pasal masa depan aku yang macam... ya Allah nauzubillah.

benda ni hari-hari singgah kat otak aku. stress fikir masa depan dan aku kalau stress, lagila satu apa pun tak jalan. terfikir sikit, sebab taknak fikir lagi, terus fikir benda lain yang takde kaitan dengan study. kalau aku macam emo je sekarang, inilah sebabnya. bukan sebab masalah cinta ke apa weh pelislah pelis. ni masalah yang aku kena hadap sendiri. takde knight in shining armour on white horse yang akan selamatkan aku. i'm not a damsel in distress. melainkan kalau laki tu tak kisah berbinikan dak pompuan yang tak habis a-level yang tak dapat fly sebab duit dia berkepuk pastu dia boleh tolong aku buat bisnes baju ke publish buku ke, atau laki tu boleh tolong aku fly pegi uk terus dengan kasi aku semua A*, haa barulah dia hero yang dinanti. kalau tak, aku kena selesaikan semua ni sendiri.

haish. dah tutup cerita.

kitorang buat red velvet. aku taktau pun nak buat cake apa sampailah masa kat giant tu dorang kata nak buat red velvet, okaaay. pernah buat tak? masing-masing tak pernah. takpe try... kita try....

cukupla kata yang benda berapa minit jadi berapa jam. pengajarannya kalau nak buat cupcakes untuk kasi orang buatlah apa yang kita pernah buat, yang biasa pun takpe janji konfem dah tau camne, dah tau rasa. sedap. cekelat ke apa ke, topping boleh buat macam-macam boleh tulis from AB FAMILY ke seperti idea asalku. comel. dan bila aku kata 2/3, maknanya betul lah 2/3. hahah 

apabila 7 anak dara masuk dapur. biarlah kita-kita je yang ingat apa jadi di dapur ye :'D

malam tu satu insiden terjadi. fazreen kan berjiran je dengan aizureen. masa dia nak balik tu dah pukul 12 malam. tak ni bukan cite hantu. so aku dengan diena temankan dia. malas nak bersiap sebenarnya, nak tukar baju lengan panjangla sarung tudungla. jadi aku dapat satu idea bernas. apa kata kita pakai towel je, towel kan lebar. kita pin je bawah dagu, pastu biar towel tu jatuh sampai tutup tangan. tak caya ce korang try. serupa ustazah yu.

hasilnya. tak semenggah.

kitorang teman dalam lif je. tapi kitorang taktau lif tu akan turun sampai bawah. omg tempat parking. omg janganlah bagi orang masuk nampak kitorang macam ni. pintu bukak, takde sapa. phewh. lega. tengah bebising lega la saspen la apa la tetiba kat G pintu bukak lagi, pastu ada dua orang laki. terus terdiam. aku rasa dorang pun pelik tengok kitorang, terus dorang tak tengok dah. aku time tu dah tahan gelak sambil rasa bersalah. pintu lif bukak je kat tingkat kitorang terus kitorang kuar melepasi dorang pandang bawah ala-ala gadis muslimah. pintu tutup terus gelak gegila hahah.

esoknya. baru senonoh sikit ha.

errr ye aku pakai baju semalam je. aku bawak satu baju lain dengan tudung kelabu ni, tapi aku lagi suka baju ni. selesa dan sedap :3 aku memang taknak pakai baju ni gi sekolah sebab cam over. tapi dorang sume cakap tang mana yang overnya, biasa je. aku masih rasa over. aku ada dilemma di mana aku selalu nak pakai baju comel, tapi taknak yang menarik perhatian, tak seswai dengan tempat, dan taknak overdress. nak gi sekolah je ponnn, tapi nak gi mid valley pastu so kalau over pun memang kena dengan situasi hehe. dorang kata baju ni okay je, so aku sarung je la. tapi pakai tudung kelabu instead of pink, untuk tone down keoveran.

sekian, nasehat fashion.

jangan risau aku pakai baju ni hari rabu tu dalam dua jam je. sampai rumah aijugheen terus tukar baju lain. odourless ya haha

esoknya sampai sekolah, rasa segan, nervous, teruja, nostalgic semua ada.

you know that feeling when you see the face of somebody who is happy to see you? who smiles and greets and hugs you? my friends and i had that today, seeing the faces of our school teachers after almost two years of not seeing them everyday. they are still where they are, while we the ex-students are going places. because they stayed, and taught us. thank you, dear teachers.

we went to school to meet the teachers but there's no picture with the teachers lulz. never mind i captured them in my heart  awww.

masa kasi cupcakes tu ayat penyedap hati kami ialah "cikgu, we made it with love and that's all that matters." sebab kitorang pun tak sempat rasa this batch of cupcakes yang jadi haha since buat cecukup 20 je. the first batch tu... sedap dah tapi tak berapa nak cupcake sangat lulz. cream cheese dia yang digabungkan dengan icing sebab nak buat topping comel pun taklah secomel yang dibayangkan. takpe, ikhlas ni ikhlas tsk.

best sangat dapat jumpa cikgu-cikgu. sebab aku pergi dengan AB pastu buat cupcake pun untuk cikgu AB, aku macam terlupa tentang cikgu lain so bila ternampak cikgu C1 aku macam terkejut pulak cikgu tu ada kat situ lolol. 

esp teacher patvinder, omg teruja sangat nampak dia. bapak terharu la tengok dia dah berumur pun masih mengajar (pass her pension age!), sejak zaman abang aku tu and abang aku pun dah tua kot. i know if there's anyone yang mengajar dengan penuh semangat dan keikhlasan, itu ialah teacher pat. dulu masa awal-awal ya rabb tuhan je tau macamana kitorang semua dengan dia. bila dah masuk form 3, bila dah habis sekolah ni, baru faham dia, terima dia, suka dia, sayang dia. siap bila aku prektis speaking test utk ielts, dapat tajuk pasal teacher, aku cakap pasal dia kot. tak silap aku dia pernah cakap kelas C1 da bez class dia pernah ajar eheh eheh kalau tak silaplaaa. mula-mula jumpa just salam sebab idk why dengan cikgu lain aku peluk terus je, pastu bila dah sembang jap and nak say goodbye salam lagi baru peluk pastu salam lagi sekali sambil tepuk-tepuk bahu semua. aww. nak ingat kenangan ngan cikgu sengsorang tak habis kot nanti post ni, tunggu hari guru tahun depan lak ihiks.

amboi dah duduk sama tinggi dengan cikgu-cikgu sekarang amboi

(oh rupanya camni rasa jadi senior ex-student yang datang sekolah pakai baju biasa masa hari guru hahaha)

dalam banyak-banyak cikgu, cikgu yang aku sembang paling lama ialah Cikgu Akmal, macam biasa hahaha. dahlah bersembang sambil berdiri. sembang-sembang termasuk pasal result spm last year. cikgu cakap bio takde A+, yang cikgu target pun tak dapat. aku cam "oh ye ke.... eh. uhuk uhukk" baru perasan pulak kan haha. aku cakap sorryla cikgu, tu memang sumpahan sejak tahun aku lagi. this year target A+ terbaru cikgu ialah jeng jeng jeng.... Nadia Sabrina! haha banyak akak dengan cikgu sembang pasal awak nadia :3

cikgu tanya lagi sekali "kenapa awak tak ambik medic eh?" pastu cikgu jawab sendiri haha "oh sebab awak suka belajar bio je..." aku sambung "saya rasa saya boleh belajar teori je cikgu, praktikal tak sanggup." cikgu cerita anak dia second year medic, tetiba rasa ragu-ragu boleh tak nak keje dalam hospital dengan orang sakit nak bedah manusia hidup semua. ha sebab tu la, aku awal-awal tau apa yang aku ragu-ragu dan apa yang aku pasti eceh. "saya pasti dengan psychology." dah sampai bab tu nak tak nak mesti termasuk pasal result pulak... taktau lagi. ok sem lepas. this sem... ah sudah banyak aku tercerita kat cikgu. sebelum ni dengan cikgu lain, aku kata "ok alhamdulillah." tak pandang mata. "fly insyaallah." tak pandang mata. kalini aku pandang mata cikgu, sebab memang takde apa aku tipu. 

keluar pasal economics segala. nadia, kalau awak taktau jawab kbkk 3 markah, akak taktau jawab kbkk 30 markah T____T Cikgu Akmal pulak pernah minor in social science subjects seperti psychology, economics, philosophy masa beliau stadi obesi dulu. so beliau taulah selok belok subjek camni dan faham kesusahan yg aku hadapi. dia kata otak aku memang otak science, sebab science aku strong. aku pun kata sebab aku dah terbiasa dengan pure science. pure science mungkin struggle dekat faham and hafal, tapi soalan senang. social science mungkin senang faham hafal, tapi struggle kat soalan. dia tau social science berkait sini sana kena tau segalanya, sedangkan pure science spot on and straightforward. once you hafal you're good to go. tp economics you faham and hafal but when you see the question and you have to analyse the situation all hell breaks loose.

cikgu akmal even after i told her about my difficulties in coping and how JPA is terminating people she still has faith in me. she said i just have to get to the point where i spin my brain sikit and it clicks with economics. she said we science students can do it. after that it's all gonna be easy. tapi masalahnya sekarang not what i'm gonna do about the future, but what i did for my future. otak aku tak klik lagi masa aku jawab final penentu segalanya haritu dan kalau dia klik sem depan pun macam dah terlambat je. haih. but she has faith in me. dia cakap "ama jangan buat muka takut. cikgu kenal muka tu." "ok tak takut dah" aku senyum. pastu beberapa saat kemudian cikgu marah lagi banyak kali dia cakap dia tak suka aku buat muka macam tu, dia tak suka aku fikir aku tak boleh semua. "tapi cikgu saya tau --" terus dia nak tampar aku hahaha

the teachers have faith in me, and that's one of my fears - of letting them know how am i at intec here. i don't want to disappoint them. i let one know, but she still has faith in me. that's something to smile about :")

ok cukup bersedihan.

kemudian kami ke mid valley! ingatkan masing-masing pernah drive sendiri pegi mid tapi....

cukupla cakap benda berapa minit jadi satu jam. hahaha. sesaaaaaat! aijugheen dah macam suami yang nampak lek tapi dalam hati cuak, pastu fazreen isteri yang gelabah bila salah jalan dan eksaited bila nampak signboard betul sambil kipas tangan jerit gelak pegangkan stereng segala haha serius macam laki bini.

nampak real tak haha

i look fat in the picture but for the sole purpose of showing how i look if i was tall i don't mind hehe. masa jumpa luqman the first thing he said "this is your definition of fat?" awww. you don't see what i see. "do you have muffins?" what now? "ni" he said sambil buat lipatan lemak kat perut haha. he called me anorexic which i'm obviously not. i would say i wish or i'm flattered to be thought thin enough to be anorexic but on second thought anorexia is a serious thing to joke about ya no. but i always know how he's serious when he says i'm not fat, not to be nice or anything. dia siap kasi tips on how to overcome jadi self-conscious self-critique camni, suruh aku bergaul dengan orang so aku tau how people look at me and it's not fat. 

"no people don't say i'm fat. it's just me. low self-esteem. i know i'm not fat but i'm chubby. do you remember how i looked like when i was in form 2 if you noticed me?"

"yeah you looked the same."

"what? no! probably now same, ye la but when i was in form 3 i lost like 10 kilos and now i've gained a few pounds --"

"what, like 0.5 pound?"

"no, banyak la so i'm worried i might be fat like i used to faham tak"

the real problem is not when you have a problem with people, but with yourself. but tq dude :'D

setelah sesat semua kelaparan tapi kena tahan lapar sikit lagi pastu senyum tak rela demi gambar ni

balik pun sesat lagi. aku and Diena nak gi wangsa walk so kitorang suruh aiju drop kat situ. pergila mana pun tapi balik-balik ke wwm juga destinasi kita. haritu pergi klcc dengan hajerah tapi balik singgah wwm jugak. kalau dah dak wwm tu memang dak wwm laaa haha. pada aku kalau setakat nak lepak sembang, makan, tengok wayang, karoeke, bowling wwm pun boleh. takyah nak gi jejauh melainkan memang ada tujuan lain yang wwm tak dapat tunaikan. melainkan kalau kau nak tangkap gambar kat entrance pavi jadi dak dak fountain, ha pegi la pavi. melainkan kalau pergi kinokuniya ke baru aku sanggup bersesak kat klcc. jangan pandang wwm sebelah mata, justin bieber pun pegi wwm kkk hahaha


sebagai anak dara yang malas keluar dan lebih gemar memerap di rumah, alang-alang keluar tu biar keluar terus. kitorang sebenarnya dah ngantuk gila masa tu, ngantuk tahap nak muntah tau. mana tak nya, malam sebelum tu tido pukul 4 pagi. sembang pasal hal perempuan berduaan dengan diena :3 dari duduk kat buaian tengok langit sampailah ke dalam bilik golek atas katil. banyak yang dicatchupkan diceritakan :3


tu pun tak puas lagi. nanti kita date kat tuti pruti ye yu :3



p/s: ada baki satu cupcake. masa balik baru rasa. plot twist: it was GOOD! all of it! the combination of the cheese frosting and sugar icing, kelembutan dan rasa kek tu sendiri, everything was SO GOOD. I WAS SERIOUSLY SURPRISED AND BLOWN AWAY. serious talk k. kbai.

SPM Result: Today Last Year

210312.

today last year.

i still remember waking up in the middle of the night, lying in the dark as shadows of worst case scenarios crept over me. what if my name wouldn't be called? i didn't want to go to school. but it wouldn't change the fact that my name, still was not called. people would talk about that, the candidate didn't go to school to receive the slip and didn't get what the candidate was expected to get. but wouldn't it be more embarrassing if they expected me to go on the stage but i remained seated? trying to keep a cool face and clapping for those who did get on the stage when i was crying inside and wishing i could just evaporate?

today last year.

i woke up after not having enough sleep. my stomach twisted and turned, i could just vomit. praying for the best but preparing for the worst every minute. asking God if it's too late to change the result, please change my reaction so i could accept it with an open heart. i kept calm and had faith. He knows best, i repeated under my breath. i could stop myself from thinking about this day before, but i could not not think about this day today. today had arrived. the day to value the 11 years of schooling which i had survived.

today last year.

going to school, greeted my friends and teachers. everyone was anxious, they said i shouldn't be nervous. little did they know, their expectations made me so. worried i hold hands with my friends, worried i made jokes to diffuse the tension, worried i hold my breath each approaching second. eyes shut when the names were called, lips smiled when i clapped for them all. it's time for the best student of the year to be announced. eyes shut as i hold my breath for the last time, lips smiled as i opened my eyelids, hands cupped on my mouth, Alhamdulillah ya Allah...

today last year.

i got up as hands patted on my back, rubbed my head. their applause fell into the background as i walked to my mom and hugged the woman who had always been there, always, the only one who always had, on the day i got on stage for UPSR result, PMR result, and now, SPM result. i received the slip of my school years, the hamper of my life experiences, as the number of A's was not the amount of revision hours, but more than that, always, always more than that.

today last year.

my friends cried. my friends i loved, my friends i hold dear. my friends who always believed in me, always supported me when some 'friends' did not. my friends who said "I knew you'd make it", who said "always been rooting for you". i locked them in my embrace, whispering useless words of comfort, as i too, began to tear up on their shoulder. "don't cry," i consoled, but who was i to understand them. i sent them a concern message, constructing cliche sentences and i hated myself for that. "don't do stupid things," i pleaded, but who was i to understand them. i couldn't be happy alone, even when they claimed they were happy for me. it was sad, when they had to say "i'm sorry," to me because for themselves, they couldn't be happy.

today last year.

i didn't feel proud, but i felt a huge relief. i didn't feel like i was on top of the world, but life felt like a miracle. i didn't think or talk highly of myself, but this blessing brought me to my knees. i didn't deserve it, but Allah's endless mercy and love made it possible. i was praised to the sky, but it kept my feet on the ground. knowing i didn't deserve something but still got it, was enough to show i got it from Allah, and therefore made me feel how i was nothing but a powerless servant and pushed me to become a better servant because He could take it all back as easily as He gave me. i felt like my heart had no tangled veins and my mind had no knotted mess. i felt so full of happiness yet so empty because nothing worried me. the world's my oyster, the door's wide open, i was going places, it's not everyday when i had this confidence.

today last year. 

i got the golden ticket to ride a train to my dream. Alhamdulillah. but as soon as i boarded the train, i was told to tear it and throw it away. i know it has no worth after i took my seat but it's not just a ticket to me. it's a memory. a pat on the back. a motivation for my future. a part of me. proof that SPM result is just a ticket if you don't put any value in it. those who didn't get straight A's last year, are now in college/uni just like those who did and are working for yet another ticket. once you're where we are, nobody cares how you got here. so fret not if it's not gold. if you got straight A's, congrats! if you didn't, congrats still! la tahzan, life's a spinning wheel. jangan bangga, jangan kecewa. Allah yang kasi, Allah boleh tarik balik, Allah boleh kasi lebih lagi. after all, it is indeed, just a ticket. other tickets await ;)

today last year.

i bought myself a train ticket with efforts i didn't think enough to pay for it, with work not hard enough to get paid off. yet, a year later, here i am, in my second semester at INTEC, doing A-level in Psychology, on my journey. the railway is bumpy but outside the window i marvel at the beautiful scenery and i am sure the destination itself is a wonder. a wonder i have been dreaming of since i was a little girl, a wonder i have been going after for years, a wonder i so treasure.

today last year.

is a day i will always remember :)

Of Studies and Scholarship: Shit Just Got Real

Tadi ada meeting dengan sugar daddy aku: JPA.

oklah fine sugar daddy semua scholar JPA-MARA. yakni dak A-Level kat INTEC ni la. kitorang bawah JPA je sebenarnya, tapi masa apply MARA yang uruskan, after dah dapat offer fulusnya diuruskan oleh JPA pula. sebab tu JPA-MARA ok. dan adalah sebab lain juga yang private and confidential :3

i made this meme haha, inspired by a speech by madam rita ;)

"today a-level students were told that we are paid to study. that is something you don't hear everyday. we pay to study is normal, but we are paid to study is unusual. i never thought of it that way. with the sponsored fees, allowances, etc... kena sedar diri ni. ini namanya terhutang budi. kena... study. lulz B')" - 311212

masa tau ada meeting: semua hepi sebab kelas cancel yeay!

masa tau pas meeting kena masuk dalam group pulak jumpa pegawai JPA: semua mula saspen.

masa tau nama aku takde dalam senarai group sebab aku lepas cut-off point: free time yeay!

masa tau kengkawan down lepas jumpa pegawai JPA: aku pun down sama.

sebab ada ura-ura mengatakan bahawa kalau tak lepas certain point sem 2 ni, the scholarship will be terminated straightaway. do you understand the seriousness of the situation here. bukan tak lepas sem 4 tau, maksudnya external A-Level exam yang paper dari UK tu, tapi sem 2 ni, internal A-Level exam paper dari, well, INTEC. terus dihantar balik kampung. pastu nak buat apa? sedangkan A-Level penuh yang kita habiskan masa 2 tahun buat pun agak takde harga kat majoriti IPTA, kalau nak IPTS pulak kena bayar sendiri dengan harga tinggi kalau dah tak ditaja baik masuk asasi dari awal je, ni kan pulak A-Level separuh jalan yang sah-sah takde harga di mana-mana. nak mula balik guna result SPM, compete dengan juniors sendiri for foundation placement walhal rakan sebaya semua dah masuk degree? 

shit just got real man.

sampai sorang kawan aku ni, cakap kat aku "Ama kalau ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi next sem."

aku pulak yang sedih.

bayangkan dorang. down gila.

sampai aku terus tak risau pasal pointer sendiri walaupun diri sendiri pun tak stabil lagi. bebila masa boleh jatuh ke paras bahaya. tapi risau sebab fikir pasal kawan-kawan. ya Allah permudahkanlah.

"kalau harini JPA nak terminate scholarship kamu, 159 orang je yang dapat sambung sem depan" - Encik JPA (bukan ayat sebenar (tapi lebih kurang la))

JPA just wants to push us to our maximum potential. bak kata Encik JPA "honeymoon bukan dekat sini, bukan dekat UK/US nanti, tapi lagi 6 tahun lepas dah habis degree" (eh tapi saya memang nak kahwin kalau boleh (sabar) 6 tahun lagi, memang honeymoon pun pastu hehehe OK FOCUS AMA THIS IS SERIUS).

JPA buat camni untuk kebaikan kita jugak kan? cuma... :'(

moga Allah permudahkan perjalanan kita.

memula masa dalam dewan dengar talk from Encik JPA tu pun aku dah dup dap sikit sebab time tu just tau yang kalau tak lepas cut off point habis A-Level nanti the scholarship will be terminated, taktau lagi pasal termination is possible this sem. padahal dulu kalau tak lepas, dorang hantar fly dekat-dekat je... atau sponsor sambung kat local IPTS... er ok la tu kan. now, tamat terus hubungan dengan sugar daddy.

our batch is the experimental batch. kitorang batch pertama yang medic tak disponsor langsung. sebaliknya JPA sponsor course lain macam architecture, accounting, termasuk bidang yang baru nak bertatih di Malaysia ini iaitu Psikologi (bertatih perghhh! (TQ JPA FOR SUPPORTING US!))

batch kitorang yang paling ramai rasanya. dan paling pelbagai. dan juga batch yang ada lagi satu policy baru: JPA akan terus sponsor sampai degree if and only if kitorang dapat masuk uni top 50. top 50 around the world bak hang! kau ingat senang?! yang boleh apply US/UK je masalahnya. jadi walaupun banyak jugak option dalam ranking 50 tu, tapi kemungkinan nak dapat placement tu... dengan semua top uni, dengan satu dunia nak compete lagi... Allah, agak susah.

pastu lagi satu masa talk tadi dia tunjuk prestasi kitorang last sem. dia bukan tunjuk je berapa ramai lepas cut off point, berapa ramai tak lepas. tapi dia tunjuk sekali result SPM kat situ. dorang cam saje je nak cakap "hah, dulu kau boleh dapat straight A, kenapa sekarang kau tak pass pun?" contoh k, contoh.

dia tunjuk camni. bagi setiap kategori keputusan: 12-15 point, 8-11 point, and so on, akan ada max SPM and min SPM. nak tunjuklaa dalam setiap kategori dulu SPM paling highest berapa, SPM paling lowest berapa. untuk 12-15, max SPM 7 A+, 2 A. aku taktaulah ni average ke apa, sebab takkanlah takde straight A+, 8 A+ kot kan? mungkin average untuk highest kot. tah lah.

pape pun, ya, max SPM 7 A+, 2 A untuk 12-15.

bila aku tengok tu, aku cam.....

rasa sesuatu.

JPA ni saje je ke nak tunjuk yang dulu aku boleh dapat max SPM, tapi sekarang takleh dapat max point?

ya, pass. tapi bukan max.

anda harus tahu.

aku kat sini dikelilingi oleh overachievers yang kengkadang buat aku rasa takde harga diri. hahaha emo gila, patutlah jadi Ama Emo (sila rujuk post lepas). overachievers yang hari-hari study, sakit pun study, pagi raya pun study siap kena marah lagi sebab asyik study je (omg that would never happen to me, aku kena marah sebab dah exam pun tak study - tu pun kena marah dengan kawan cos ma mom is a cool mom).

anda harus tahu yang aku tak dilahirkan dalam keluarga begitu, tak dibesarkan dalam keadaan begitu, tak dibiasakan dengan kelompok begitu. masuk sini terus stress. aku tak study, tengok orang study pun aku dah stress. untuk hilangkan stress aku kena tak study. hah habis tu dah pe cer kan?

mana tak rasa takde harga diri doh. mana tak down bai.

like i'm not enough. like i'm inadequate. like i'm nothing.

emo lagi.

but i am pun, sigh deeply.

aku dikelilingi oleh overachievers yang pelik kalau dia rasa malas. padahal aku pelik kalau aku rasa rajin.

ini baru namanya culture shock. yang Amalina Che Bakri 17 A1 tu bukan culture shock, sebab maksud culture shock sebenar ialah inability to adapt to new surrounding. aku ni baru Amalina culture shock.

satu benda aku suka pasal tempat baru ialah takde sape kenal aku. takde expectation. takde reputation. takde apa. takde. takde jangkaan guru-guru yang membebankan tapi memang baik, takde sangkaan kawan-kawan yang menolak aku ke depan tapi ada yang buruk. kalau kau baca blog aku sejak dulu, kau taulah camne aku terseksa jiwa raga duduk kat sekolah aku dulu.

satu benda aku suka pasal INTEC ialah semua orang kat sini berupaya. jadi aku bukan siapa-siapa. sebab akan ada yang lebih terer. sebab semua orang ada potensi masing-masing. sekejap aku atas kau, esok kau atas aku, lusa dia atas kita, tulat kita atas sama-sama. takde sape nak bising kalau aku tak kat atas lagi dah. tenang tau tak, tenang.

dulu kat SMKLK aku selalu kata aku taknak sekolah situ dah, aku nak pindah.

bila aku tak pindah memana, aku kata aku tak sabar nak habis sekolah, nak blah, nak pergi tempat baru.

Alhamdulillah, here i am today. my dream prep college, my dream course, on my way to my dream place.

and i got another thing i asked for; i am a nobody.

it's just a memory

(my family and i don't practice the habit of showing off our achievements in the middle of our living room,

my bedroom alone is enough for me to sometimes look at it and feel worth it awww)

(this is embarrassing but it's my blog so yeaaaaah)

(omg you're judging me now aren't ya)

(not that i care....)

(yeaaaah...)

i was overestimated and expected of many things for five years so can i now be like underestimated so i don't have to do anything... sounds legit?

tbh, sometimes it feels weird. to not be the target. to not be the reason for them to clap. to not be the candidate whose every step is observed by those who wish you well, and those who wish you fall. to be nobody. to be just another random student, just another name squeezed in the list. of course after five years of the opposite, it will feel weird.

but tbh, it feels good. nobody expects anything from me anymore. lecturers don't ask for my opinions, like teachers did when i didn't even know what she was teaching us about, i was busy gossiping with my classmates. friends don't always turn to me with questions, like my school friends always did when i didn't even know the answer prompting me to say "i'm not Google or a walking encyclopedia," because when they found out i didn't know, they'd say "Ama tak tau??" like i should know every single thing in the world. fellow students don't think of me as a competitor, and walk pass me saying sarcastic and cynical stuffs as if i long for their compliments and well wishes when we both know they weren't that honest, like a few of them used to do two years ago. after five years of yearning to be free, of course it will feel good.

so yeah, i guess it's all good.

cuma.

aku mula push diri aku dulu untuk study, walaupun last minute, walaupun sampai mabuk kopi, sebab orang. sebab jangkaan, mulut, harapan orang. sejak aku keluar MRSM form 1 dulu, masa nak final exam form 1, orang mula cakap "dak MRSM mesti score punya", "mesti kau yang dapat nombor 1 kan kalini", "takkan laa dak MRSM dapat teruk kot". bila aku dah dapat sekali, dorang akan cakap lagi "mesti kau top lagi laa". kau tau tak benda tu membebankan? tapi ya, menolak aku ke depan.

aku sakit hati, tapi tu yang buat aku study. dorang cakap, sebab tu aku buat.

nak fikir jangkaan diri sendiri je yang tak jangka tinggi mana pun sebenarnya? nak fikir harapan keluarga je yang terima aku seadanya asalkan tak teruk sampai conteng arang di muka? memang sampai bila pun aku tak mimpi nak kejar nombor 1, nak kejar anugerah pelajar terbaik, mata pelajaran terbaik bagai. takde.

jadi, benarlah ye. semua perkara ada hikmahnya. walaupun perkara tu pahit, hikmahnya manis :)

so since INTEC bukan macam SMKLK..... aku takut aku terhoneymoon tanpa sedar. aku tau aku terhoneymoon last year. nota yang aku suka buat masa sekolah dulu, aku tak buat. orang lain siap google kertas soalan extra nak jawab, aku past year question pun tak sentuh. belum lagi soalan kat buku yang tak jawab penuh. ada hati nak beli buku latihan segala? pfft. dalam kelas sehari tak tidur tak sah, camne nak fokus. balik petang tidur lagi. asal ada masa lapang tido manjang. belajar pun masa nak final je. masa final baru nak faham A sampai Z, memang tak lah kan nak dapat 15.

aku rasa aku lagi malas daripada form 5. 

tapi aku tengah cuba berubah ni, tengah. ada la nampak sikit perubahan. tapi perubahan ni cam tak dapat kejar je A-Level yang makin lama makin susah :(

tapi anda harus tahu.

aku jadi macam ni bukan sebab aku konfiden. aku tak pernah konfiden masa sekolah menengah walaupun orang cakap aku takde benda patut dicuakkan. aku tak pernah konfiden pas masuk kolej persediaan bajet aku dah terer sangat la konon dapat masuk sini. kalau kau betul-betul kenal aku, kau tau aku tak pernah konfiden. aku hanya pemalas dan penangguh kerja, tu je.

aku jugak tak menjatuhkan diri sendiri. aku takde penyakit sesetengah orang yang bila dorang konfiden, konfiden nak mati. bila down pulak, down nak mati. aku seimbang, and i like that. aku tak rasa aku layak dijulang, dan aku tak rasa aku patut dihumban ke longkang. seriously, people like this exist and they bother the heck out of me.

i mean, chill la bro sis semua. kita kena seimbang ;)

kawan aku cakap yang dia rasa dak-dak INTEC ni kira the best of the best lah, tapi dia rasa dalam ramai-ramai kitorang, dia the worst. aku cakap kat dia, so? even if you were the worst, you were the worst among the best! and it is something, you know. jangan fikir sangatlah pasal bebenda ni, jangan compare mengompare. dah masuk sini, it is already something.

kita semua sama je. memang akan ada student yang active dalam kelas, yang terer sports, yang bijak berhujah, yang bagus serba serbi. aku passive dalam kelas, walaupun aku ada benda nak cakap aku memang bukan jenis manusia yang angkat tangan and voice out my pandangan. aku haram tak reti bersukan. aku segan nak lantang bersuara. and aku langsung tak kisah.

dia dengan kelebihan dia, kita dengan kelebihan kita. mesti ada. takde, baiki diri. takleh, cari. mesti ada. mungkin bukan yang orang nampak, tapi ada. bila kita terima diri kita, baru kita takde kes konfiden nak mati pastu down nak mati pulak bila konfiden tu makan diri. kita takde sibuk nak buktikan diri kita kat sesape. sebab cukup kita tau diri kita. kita cool je dengan diri kita seadanya.

apa yang aku buat, aku cuba tak fikir sangat pasal overachievers yang buat aku rasa cam takde harga diri tu. lol. kalau kau asyik fikir pasal orang je, memang sampai mati tak habis stress. sentiasa akan ada yang lebih baik. yang penting, fikir pasal diri sendiri. fikir kalau dorang boleh, kenapa tak kau? takpe, cara kita mungkin berbeza. asalkan kita gerak sesama, sampai sesama. kau pun boleh. kengkadang memang aku stress pasal dorang. tapi aku ingatkan diri sendiri. takyah kisah. takyah. kisahkan diri sendiri je.

focus on your own journey, rather than trying to potong orang tepi.

sampai juga nanti :)

kengkadang aku rasa Allah saje biar aku rasa benda-benda yang tak enak untuk dirasa sebelum ni, so bila aku dah sampai sini, aku lebih memahami. aku faham orang di atas. aku faham orang di bawah. aku faham orang di bawah tak suka bila orang di atas merendah diri sangat, tapi bukan rendah diri pun, memang rasa diri itu rendah sebenarnya, bukan bajet humble ke apa. so sekarang baru aku faham kenapa dulu orang menyampah kat aku hahaha. aku jugak faham orang di atas tak suka bila orang di bawah insecure. bila cakap "untunglah pandai", "dak-dak straight A", "awak dah pandai dah takyah study", "apa kau nak risau kau konfem score," orang di atas tak suka. so bila aku rasa aku di bawah sekarang, aku takdelah buat perangai macam tu. menyakitkan hati tahu.

aku buat jugak kengkadang, sebab aku tau aku menyakitkan hati and aku nak korang rasa apa aku rasa dulu muahahaha.

tapi biasanya aku memahami ;)

hmmm.

i have to transform to the old me. i evolve with expectation. i bow to burden. i flee from failure rather than sail to success. i'm not gonna pull myself, so i must be pushed. people must be hard on me so i will be hard on myself. i must cry when i get a B. i must not say it's okay.

cos i want that 15 so badly.