i'm gonna blog about this as a reminder for myself in the future.
ama, the next time you're gonna make bad decisions with permanent, if not stubborn consequences, read this.
skip the diet. just eat healthy. you don't have to watch what you eat, just eat moderately. occasional pampering is okay.
working out is not a challenge or a phase. it's a routine. don't ever stop. be consistent even if the easiest step is all you can do.
because i have lost almost 10 kilos and i wouldn't want to get back to where i started. after i arrived in UK, i gained weight. they say it happens. once you go overseas, you'll gain weight. 5 kg. they were right. the so called period of adjustment, when it's really just a period of eat everything new! so i didn't really care, especially because i was in sheffield. i don't have to look decent on daily basis lol since i literally don't see anybody in my class. even when i did see people it's not like i wanted to impress them. i don't have friends who'd bitch about me gaining weight here since all my friends were new people. and most of all, i knew if people really care about me, they'd embrace me all the same. in the literal sense, would i not be more cuddly?
the thoughts "so what?", "to hell with it!", and "i'm loved and lovable even when i'm chubby (lol)" comforted me. so i ate more comfort food, haha.
then the needle hit that number. man. i weighted just like i did when i was 14. it had been years since i was this heavy. and... flabby. thick and fat. this couldn't go on, it had to change.
so i made changes. and i see changes now.
some people might say i didn't have to change a thing; i was not that fat, i was only chubby, they thought i still looked pretty, when all i was was pretty chubby to me. Yeah it's not that bad, but before it got worse it gotta stop, right? I was on this heavenly and healthy diet where i didn't have to starve myself and i could eat as much as i wanted; the catch is some food are forbidden. Don't eat the forbidden food at all. Eat everything else which is allowed in generous amount. And you can drop a few pounds just like that in a week!
Some people didn't see the point of me going on diet. some even said they didn't see the effects of my new eating and exercising habit! but i don't mind. heck, i take that as a compliment. but i did mind my body. because i could see. i could see it was changing to be what i didn't like it to be. and now i can see, how different it looks and i like it. you don't see it? lol it's not for you anyway.
no amount of "you look just fine" with more compliments i didn't deserve could make me feel okay. thank you, but i'm sorry. if i don't look okay to me, it's not okay. even though it's already enough for everyone else, or somebody that matters. i see what you don't see. but of course, the kind words help to comfort, even if it doesn't convince me. hew hew. it's not that i wasn't thankful. i was. but you can't say at least i'm not obese. that'd be too late, i was already borderline overweight. i was only comparing myself to the me who was less chubby. if you say i should be thankful with how God had created me, then hell yeah i am! that is why i must take care of his creation! God did not create me loaded with fat and diseases. that was not how i was designed. He created me perfect and healthy. hence i must be.
but with regrets i announce no amount of cut down food consumption, cardio exercises or weight workout could shed off these perfectly healthy cheeks of mine. maybe they are a blessing. maybe, they are an asset. you'll never know. hik hok.
this is not mine i googled it. but it's true. i want to feel good and look good! :3
but yeah, i did this not for anybody else. for nobody but me. i need to feel good about myself. as much as i liked to eat, i also liked to be fit. i'd like to look decent. i'd like to be satisfied with how i dress, and comfortable in my clothes. i'd want to be confident with the way i carry myself. i wanted to not lose my breath when i walked uphill to my department building. i wanted to walk around and everywhere feeling light and easy. i needed stamina, not struggle. on top of everything, i needed to be healthy. i didn't feel healthy. i didn't know for sure, but i for one knew i had been healthier.
you can be young and you can eat everything, but don't think when you're old, that everything won't come back to get you. you don't even have to be old to be sick. remember that. i have family history of diseases, so i do give a dang about what i eat, not only how i look like.
i was that type of person who didn't consume much sugar, except in cooking and for occasions. i wasn't one to eat cookies or biscuits or chocolates or cakes or ice cream or anything of that sort frequently; i didn't have sweet tooth. i wouldn't know what to buy from sweet things aisle because i simply didn't consume sugary stuff. i didn't drink much air manis atau air gas either; my fav was good ol' plain water. you can never have too much plain water! and oh yes, green tea without sugar. the satisfaction of feeling healthy from the bitter tea. I ate in appropriate portion and basically limited my junk-non-real-food. now i'm becoming that person again, with new healthy habits. no regret, only feel good.
i know that's not much of a healthy lifestyle, but that's something. compared to nothing. nothing was what i did in UK at first, which by contextual definition was eat everything!!!
i know some people can eat everything and not gain a single pound. well lucky you. i'm just not that person. and i'm not the only one. so don't go around saying "urgh, you don't eat it? too bad. i eat everything nom nom." that's so insensitive of you when people have to make efforts for things you oh so effortlessly are. now imagine a genius giving you that look when you're studying and say "why would you even study? look at me, i don't even bother and still smart as ever." and imagine me saying "you have to spend a lot on skincare and cosmetics? what a waste! my skin doesn't need all that at all." that's being a prick isn't it? now you know.
some people are lucky in some ways. different people different luck and struggles. so shut up when you're lucky, and suck it up when you're not :)
now i'm sucking it up, and telling myself that this is not a phase, this is not a process, this is a routine, this is ongoing. this is a lifestyle. i have no intention to go on diet again. so i must not eat carelessly now and think i will lose what i gain later. i will not lose weight anymore because i will not gain anymore weight. i just have to eat in moderation, do my work out routine and be consistent.
and honestly, i like how i look post work out session. so radiant. kah kah kah.
bye.
p/s: ok actually i also lost weight because i knew i would gain it back once i'm back in malaysia. people be preparing for summer body so they can flaunt it but i'm preparing for holiday body so i won't be fatter, just fat. ikr, genius.
