Ok dah tau dah kenapa emo sangat semalam

#gurlz #sothatwasnotme #notreally

Homesick in Sheffield

Dah kenapa tetiba homesick ni...

Tetiba sangat tau. First time. Ingatkan dapatla kata at least setengah tahun di perantauan tanpa homesick. Tapi tak kesampaian. Pernah jugak sekali terindu tapi tak sampai macam ni, mungkin sebab tak berkesempatan nak layan perasaan. Orang hepi kat airport, dalam flight nak gi turkey, masa tu la aku nak rindu mama. Mama suka jenjalan kat airport tengok apa ada. Kalau naik flight dengan mama mesti best. Ah sudah, terpaksa tahan terkebil-kebil.

Sebab tu la malas rindu-rindu ni. Payah. Biasanya takde perasaan je. Memang default mode aku dekat uk: tak rasa pape. Tengok orang lain rindu la homesick la apa la, aku macam... Lek je. Sekali tak lek, camni terus.

Sedih tak pepasal malam ni. Takde hujan takde ribut. Sedih sangat kenapa tah, haih. Puncanya tetiba je teringat dulu selalu drama dekat rumah. Lepas tu terkenang la pulak mama je yang ada untuk aku. Tempat menangis, tempat bergantung. Tempat mengadu. Ha pastu habis ah. Sampai sekarang tak reda lagi ni. Fiuuu fiuuu.

Mama jela satu-satunya yang pernah tengok aku seteruk-teruknya. Aku yang sedih dan menyedihkan. Mama takleh buat apa-apa, mungkin jugak taktau nak buat apa. Mama tak reti pujuk-pujuk ni. Mama kan bukan jenis berperasaan macam aku. Tapi ada dia je cukup, walaupun dia takleh ubah apa-apa. Dia duduk teman aku dalam bilik. Bila dia cakap sikit-sikit, tu pun dah rasa lebih dari cukup, tu pun rasa terubat sikit. "takpe...", "biar je"... Mana boleh takpe, takleh la biar, tapi sebab ada mama..... Ok T_T bila dia tepuk-tepuk, usap-usap, alihkan rambut, lap air mata tu lagi laaa T____T k kenapa aku buat diri sendiri camni ya Allah T_T

Rindu mama..... Masa call semalam dah rasa rindu semacam. Biasa call sembang je takde pun rasa-rasa ni. I don't like this :(

Ni belum ada problem lagi... Kalau ada problem lagi la teruk homesick nanti macam zaman kegelapan kat intec dulu. Nauzubillah. I try to live as drama-free as possible, even if it means keeping a distance from people. Dulu boleh gak lari balik rumah. Sekarang ni cakap kat fon pun connection takde la line tak clear la.

Harap apa yang dikeluarkan ni tak masuk balik dalam kepala. Harap esok bila bangun, kembali menjadi tiada perasaan. Harap semua ok je.

Mama nanti ayu balik tau. Sementara ni, doa jelah. Allah je boleh jaga. Jauhnya... :'(

So Much For Maturity

I have the habit of keeping old memories. because i can't rely on my own memory storage, as it has been proven to be unreliable. i keep memories in term of physical evidence. for example: writings and images, among other things. i have vaguely named folders, sometimes using only alphabets.

and i have the habit of going back to old memories, such as tonight.

randomly, a folder titled "BT".

usually this habit evokes feelings of nostalgia, if it doesn't remind me of lessons i once learned from experiences. but tonight, it evokes guilt, and makes me realize of lessons i should learn from myself

i think this is the first time i saw something i hadn't seen before, and felt something i hadn't felt before - and it pointed at me. my fingers pointed at me. it was hard at first, but i then realized this is - a bit ironically as at the time of it happening i claimed to be the mature one - a point of maturity.

i was the mature one; i wanted direction when others wandered, i wanted purpose when others experimented, i wanted exclusivity when others - well, others did have it. but not me. "too young for commitment, too old for games." that was me. that wasn't him.

but tonight, i realized i wasn't really that mature after all! it takes more than being ready to commit to be in a relationship. i played a part as well of it not reaching that stage, and thank god it didn't. even then it was already too problematic - we just clashed on many levels despite having the connection for many years. i had my faults, just like him. although he had more. ok kidding hahahah (no). k sori.

he didn't want to talk - i bottled it up till i burst. he never answered when i asked - i assumed the worst. he was always confused - i was always frustrated. he didn't share my common sense - i shared a piece of my mind. he wanted to talk - i burst with harsh words. he couldn't change for me - i wouldn't wait for him. he said he can't be the type of guy i want - i said that's okay, don't change if i'm not worth it. he asked for time to change - i didn't dare giving. he was no longer worth of my trust - i no longer bothered trying. he wanted to try - i had tried enough. his heart was not set - mine was on fire. he didn't have devotion -  i didn't have patience.

pushing him away was the right thing to do but the way i did it was not. the worst were the words i said with disdain. that was not mature. i even felt i could be the one who's wrong. it actually made me sad reading what came out from my own mouth and imagining how it must have made him felt so bad :( it wasn't always that way, but still, saying things like he didn't care and all. i didn't curse, but i was harsh. the way i handled his immaturity proved mine. we were immature in different ways. we both weren't ready. i can pretty much justify everything i did as listed above, but not my harsh words.

bila baca balik, macam "alahai tak matangnya kau."

i was 17, and now i'm 21. 4 years of changes and i hope, of growing up.

maturity is not about how you are generally. it's about how you're mad or sad as hell but still able to keep your cool; for your, their, and heaven's sake, haha. maturity is not hurting people back when they hurt you. i know that now. i didn't know that 4 years ago.

i'm sorry for being immature. whatever you did, it didn't give me the right to be it.

Silly Rules, Boundaries, and Principles

Topik tengah malam kita pada hari ini ialah... what a lame girl with silly rules i am, a.k.a. ama tapape.

i've long known how i have a set of rules i myself deem silly at times, but when people point out to you how you're obviously a girl with boundaries (hazirah, 2015) and even a girl with principles (shafiqah, 2011), it is a bit woah moment lah kan.

if you hadn't said it, i wouldn't have noticed lol. i know i have silly rules, boundaries and principles, but i don't think i'm a girl with that all. but actually i am. and when other people can see that too, you hella are, gurl.

i thought at least people who knew this were my best friend, and um, those who have had to deal with my silly rules, boundaries and principles. but apparently, it might have come across to the larger circle as well. and i honestly don't know where the circumference or radius are. because shockingly, somebody who confessed about me on INTEC Confession mentioned something about me having boundaries too, loooooooool. of course i can't really laugh it off, because i don't know who it was. but still. i thought it wasn't obvious!

"you obviously are," said hazirah.

i think shafiqah was referring to the more general tapapeness of mine, while hazirah was referring to the more specific ones. for example, involving guy friends, and where or when it is concerned, boyfriend- um, future husband. even with family. that one she pointed out, and only then i remember how not a family girl i am. but i'm a mama's girl. so i think it's still healthy. hahahaha.

hazirah said i'm too cautious, even with those i don't have to be cautious with. hmm maybe. yes i am. for reasons i'm not even sure valid or relevant. hopefully not all that nonsensical. i'm not sure for how long i can keep this forte, but i'm gonna keep it as long as i can. "but that's boring," she added. I know. But i'm doing it for the future. And the future won't be boring. Hehe.

hazirah said that i do a lot of thinking before doing something, and asked if i ever "oh screw it, let's do it." i have been that person, especially just about a year ago, and that got me in troubles. but i must admit, a decision i made in that yolo phase was worth it. that was a phase when i felt both frustrated and freed, that i became another person. it wasn't really... me. i miss that freedom, but now i admit it was also out of frustration. i'm back to being me. what to do, overthinker by nature.

hazirah said (yes this post is dedicated to what hazirah said about me tonight) don't i ever think of giving in to something i won't do (no matter how i want to do it if i'm in that yolo state of mind) just for the sake of giving my brain a break. then i don't have to think about it anymore, i'm done, i can chill. but ah, what i do or do not do, is to prevent further overthinking in the future. i might not mess up my mind for a while, but after that, the consequences will clutter my brain all the same (well unless i go full yolo, in which case i don't have to think about it ever again.)

i am going with it

hazirah said that she had second thoughts about me haha and she thought i was "cool to live by rules" and "smart to set limits", but i have to make sure that the subjects can keep up. so there's no misunderstanding. she also said i set boundaries so things i have already imagined wouldn't happen. that's the point! it might seem tapape, but i'm just prepared. i'm preparing myself for all possibilities. even the worst case scenarios, god forbids. it's not that i don't want it. but gurl gotta be realistic too.

hazirah even said... if one thinks i'm tapape, they will ditch me and my rules. but i think it's quite the opposite. i think they will bear with me and my rules, despite me being tapape. because it's all included in the package. you can't have ama without the tapapeness. such as hazirah herself. she doesn't ditch me. and she does think i am tapape. maybe that's because my boundaries and principles don't apply to her, hmm. oh who cares, i know they love me anyway, i hope they always will. I'm a lucky girl :')

so i just want to say sorry to anyone who has ever dealt with my silly rules, or who has to listen to me rambling or reading my blog post about it which doesn't make sense as usual - that's just me. please bear with it for a while :')

and i want to thank you for respecting and accepting it, even if you don't understand why.

maybe one day you will ;)