Marriage Matters

i don't want to get married just to get married.

i live with adults. so i know adult's lives. i have seen adults do things out of love and do things just because, and they are different. i don't want to get married with some guy just because people get married, i'm passed my child bearing age, or i'm afraid to die an old maid. i don't want to stay married just because it's my responsibility once i'm committed to somebody, i don't want people to talk, or for the sake of my children. those are the right reasons. but i want to do it because i want to. not because i have to.

it's sad, to see someone who deserves better ends up with someone like that.

some couples are against public display of affection, but one would know when there's nothing there to be displayed. some don't have to be all romantic to show that they are a loving couple, but we can see how good friends they are just by the way they talk. and being good friends in a relationship is good enough. i can't imagine how lonely it is if you don't even talk that way with your spouse. let alone do other things together. but who am i to say right?

some people don't love because they do, they love because they are used to. bukan cinta, tapi sayang. this is jiwang but yes, i wish to love my husband in that i-am-in-love-with-you-just-because way, not i-love-you-because-you're-my-husband way.

i want to be married like them.

one celebrity couple i've always adored is Vanidah Imran and Rashidi Ishak. i loved looking at them when i was a lil girl, i barely understood what love was. i barely understand now... i actually hope they will stay together, not be another couple who gets a divorce. they look perfect together, don't you think? there's something about them that makes me think "ni jodoh ni." entahlah, mungkin muka serasi. tak sama, tapi serasi. orang tua-tua kata jodoh panjang. mungkin jugak cara dorang. taktaulah. tapi comel sangat dedua! let me tell you their love story so we can all scream "SO SWEET!" together yeah?

kali pertama vee nampak shidi masa shidi tengah drive datang set. time tu dia tercakap "aku rasa macam aku nak/akan kahwin dengan mamat ni", something like that. dia pun taktau kenapa, tetiba je. bukan dia suka ke apa. pastu masa diorang tengah berlakon sama vee terpegang shidi pastu dia rasa cam ada current. electric shock gituw. terus memalu tak pasal, tak pernah jadi camtu. dua minggu kemudian, jeng jeng jeng... she said yes! bapak cepat gila kannn. the best part is, shidi ajak kawen camtu je. takde cakap suka takde apa. sembang biasa, pastu jom kawen? vee pun "ok." boom! married. but before that dah sembang pasal masa depan semua la. shidi pun ada kasi hint sikit. dia cakap dia dapat satu hadiah, tapi tak tau nak bukak ke tak. vee cakap bukak je la? tapi banyak layer, kena peel sesatu. kemain metafora haha. so dari situ vee dah tau. 

how could she accept him so easily? vee wasn't even thinking, she just said yes straightaway. bila dah balik rumah semua baru rasa aku ni biar betul nak kahwin dengan orang baru kenal dua minggu? she said maybe because she never felt anything like that. rasa tu dalam. pehh. and how could he propose to someone he just met? shidi said dia adala selidik sikit. masa sembang tu, lol. cukup selidik la tu. time tu dia fikir dia taknak terlepas je. dia cakap memang dua minggu tu tiap malam dia doa kalau tu jodoh dia :')

to this day you can see how they are still in love. vee said and i quote "kalau abang takde, dunia saya berhenti kot." aww :"")
i guess they are just lucky. many people who rush into a wedding rush out of it just as quick. but it's fate :)

i know some people my age whose friends are married. 

and i'm so jealous! i keep wondering - no not why it isn't me but - why it isn't my friends??? i'm looking forward to my friends being married more than me being married. me. married. hahaha.

maybe because i know there's no way i'm getting married anytime soon. maybe because i know i don't have anybody. lol. it takes a lot for me to get married. so why don't just you guys get married? i can be on the wedding day and not sweat over being the bride! haha waaat. but seriously, if some people who are gonna study overseas wish to get married before they do, i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. if i fly. i wish to fly :"( amin. then i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. amin :")

i keep telling my friends to get married or at least engaged when i'm still in Malaysia, or else when i'm back in Malaysia. i need to be there. i'll be so happy i'll jump up and down and cry. typical ama. it's kinda like "if i don't get to do it, you do it. do it for me. ok?" so friends, please get married for me lolol.

this might be another bullstatistics but i like the number

they are so lucky!

yang kawen muda ni, camne senang sangat korang kawen weh? yang dah jumpa bakal laki, kau jumpa kat mane hah? haha

everytime my best friend and i see a boy with a girl who seems alim enough to be his gf (haha), we'll like nudge each other "mana?" "yang tuu kat escalator" "ha tu lagi satu, comelnyaaa" "amboi pegang tangan" "untunglah kawen muda" hahaha budak dapat tengok je, camnila. batak sikit. maaf ye jika kami pandang-pandang tak reti cover. anda patut merasa bangga.

even budak intec pun ada kawen... shhh top secret lol. ada yang cakap ok apa, nak fly kan. nanti ada yang jaga. habis tu kalau lain destinasinya? long distancela sikit, takpe hihi. ada jugak yang kata dak scholar gatal nak kawen la apa la. ish ish ish. scholarship tidak dapat menghalang jodoh ye. my friend, she's not enthusiastic about it, but her mom sure is. gelak je aku everytime dia cerita pasal mak dia dan misi mencari menantu, yang telah dijalankan sejak dia sekolah rendah :O sekarang dah habis sekolah lagila. siap suruh cari kat intec. suruh cari yang pergi negara sama. dan seperti dijangka, mak dia tanya kengkawan sekelas tu tak ok ke? terus dia cakap takyah bu takyah hahaha. ni kelakar. masa aku register kolej kediaman untuk sem 2, aku pakai inai tau. merah lagi kat jari. kebetulan aku pakai cincin. masa aku dok mengisi borang semua, brader brader kat kaunter tu bisik bergossip. bajet aku tak dengar. yang jadi isunya inai ngan cincin aku la. "tunang kot? ke nikah? cuba kau tanya" ikut hati aku nak je troll cakap aku baru kawen. tapi biarlah mereka diselubungi... misteri.


there's this one senior. oh i stalked her hard. hahaha. habis aku scroll segala yang dapat discroll. i must say she is one exceptional human being! nak bagitau pencapaian dia, apa dia buat, siapa dia kat sekolah semua nanti kantoilah pulak kan. but i can tell you she's the best lah. now she's married. sweet je dia ngan laki dia. i'm just like, masyaallah apa rahsiamu akak?! pelajar cemerlang, isteri terbilang. eh.

i wonder how adults react to this. of course. because when young people want to settle down, they say things like "are these kids good enough at school they are eligible to get married? did you get good grades? if not, how do you expect us to let you get married? of course it will be worse once you are you can't even focus!" but what if these kids are indeed good enough? like this akak has proven herself. or will they say "you get married? why would you? what a shame! what a waste! just focus on your study and score all A's and graduate and get a good job and blablablablabla and then get married!"

hmm i wonder.

UPDATE: just after i published this post, i found one post by a senior at intec. i don't need to tell you to click the coloured word right? about early marriage. it's a really good read, really. and really makes sense. i do agree, i've been thinking the same way lately. maybe i will make another post about it including my own point of view? ahah. amboi bab kawen ni laju je kau kan.

but me? early marriage?

i used to think about kahwin muda because of the cute, sweet, geli, jiwang reasons. like i've blogged about it once here. hew malu. because i would do those things only if i'm married. hew malu. but i'm waaay passed that phase. what am i? budak sekolah? pfft no. ceyy berlagak ehh.

after high school ended, for some reasons, i started to think about it seriously. when you're still daydreaming, you can never see reality. but once you realize about the reality and leave the fantasy behind, you see what a serious business marriage is. that's why when i was still in school i was excited about kahwin cos i didn't really think about it, i hadn't given it a serious thought. what for? we're still young so just daydream la~ but my friend who had met her possibly 'the one' wasn't too excited - because she already thought about it, as they were serious. while me? drown alone in my own lil fantasy. sobs.

ironically, i found a quote saying something like this: when you know you're not ready for marriage, that's when you're serious and might be ready for it. so.... hew hew hew k diam.

again, i'm way passed that phase. it's just hormonal i guess, what high school girls go through.

maybe for a different reason now.

i've thought about early marriage in a different way. i didn't even think about it. it was not something i spent my time thinking, but i was in a conversation and the topic suddenly popped up and i blurted it out. at that time, i wanted to be married. i didn't care if i didn't get to see my husband everyday. i didn't mind if it's really nikah khitbah. people now want to do nikah khitbah because they can escape the heavy responsibilities, but not when it comes to the 'lighter duties'. nak khitbah bab yang susah je, yang manja-geli-gedik tu taknak khitbah pulak? i said i didn't care about all that. no bitter part, no sweet part. that's alright. as long as i was married. i knew who's for me. i didn't have to think about it anymore and just live. when the time comes, we'll see each other. live like other married couples. but now, just to know. and that's enough.

i was probably highly intoxicated at that time haha so that's how this came out. now i'm calm i think i might just have to be mentally married to the one who's yet to be revealed. you wanted to know? now you know: out there, is the one. you didn't want to think? then don't! you wanted to just live? then live! when the time comes, you'll see each other. now just know that there is the one. and that should be enough. 

i once was in karaoke with my girls and we're singing A Thousand Years. i had to stop and sit because i had teary eyes. the awkward moment. but the lyrics are just.... 

i have died everyday waiting for you 

not knowing who you are, but i am. i'm waiting. i don't go around looking for you and asking guys "are you him?" i just wait for our paths to collide and intertwine. i just wait for you to ask me. 

darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years

i don't even know who, i'm possibly yet to meet you, but i have. i have loved you. when i could be with other guys, i remember you and i remind myself that i love you. i have always loved you.

i'll love you for a thousand more.

and will always do.

ok i will end this lameness before i get even more embarrassed ok stop ama ok.

do you know how hard it is when you have been waiting for so long? i'm not even 20 but it has been long enough. because i'm not a girl who doesn't think about it. who doesn't wonder, who doesn't wait. when other girls around me were experimenting and my friends claimed to fall in love when we all knew it was just another crush, i wasn't, i didn't. not because i didn't have feelings, i did. as early as a school kid. i was in between. that was what made it hard. but i tell myself to just let it be. not to make a mistake. to make us as special as we can be. not that i didn't let myself try, not that i didn't make any mistake, but whatever i've done, whatever i've had, i didn't make it special. if you never think about it at all, or do but too often you change the love of your life, then you have no right to judge me. because you don't know.

ok enough. i don't really think about it, except when i'm reminded of it. other times, i'm just fine.

so don't think about it, and it will come to you by surprise. don't wait for it, and time will fly so fast :)

she was 19 and now i'm 19.

recently i stalked Dena Bahrin. and by stalk i mean i really did read her blog up to the posts published in 2010. at first i was just looking for one particular post, then i thought heck why not i just read all the posts to know about her pre-engagement-video-gone-viral life! mehehehe. and she surprised me by being just... a girl. a normal girl. gila-gila, selamba, gangster. she was one of us. but now she's *that*. woaaah :O

and i found this post - 5 years later , Please meet me. she was 18 when she wrote this.

"I don't care if I look weird and so loving (lame,lovey dovey whatever people call it) tonight. Cause it's for you anyway.Well hello future good husband , I'll wait for you. We'll meet, soon ! :')"

isn't it funny when just a year later, they 'met' each other? fate is a funny thing if you ask me.

the idea of suddenly getting married and surprising people is appealing, hehe. i've always thought if there's someone who will out of the blue announce "today i'm somebody's fiancee!" or "of this date i'm married!", that would be me. sometimes i don't feel the need to tell people about things i'm going to do or places i'm going to go to even my best friend got offended when i told her i was leaving the country on that day itself, twice. i also don't like telling people things which might or might not go as planned or as smoothly as i'd want. unless it's already happened, and i'm certain nothing can screw it up, then i feel safe to let people know.

but honestly, i couldn't do what kak dena did. i can't marry someone just like that. i can't marry someone i don't know, and i don't have feelings for. and i'm so afraid of that to the point i've prayed that i won't end up with someone i don't love. i've loved you for a thousand years but what if when i finally know who you are, i don't? you might say if we're meant to be, Allah will put the feelings in our hearts. i say the same thing too. but what i mean is i don't want to have the feeling of running away on my wedding day. i can't even imagine it. for now i'm more scared of getting married to someone i don't love than not getting married to someone i love. it scares me, the thought of getting married to someone i don't want to get married to. it scares me how people think of someone as 'the one'. it scares me because we can't always get what we want, and might get what we do not want instead.

it's scary how anything can be.