Money Comes With a Price

when it comes to money, i'm a bit fortunate. i'm blessed with this small ease. i have scholarship money, and money from my dad. i don't have the latter as much as i did, but i have it nonetheless. i'm lucky. luckier than people older than me. but that's maybe because i don't have financial commitment yet, and i haven't screwed up in life to pay for it.

before scholarship money, i lived on parents' money. mama, oh mama she didn't give me belanja bulanan/mingguan where i had to plan my spending or manage my saving, instead she gave me belanja harian in unfixed amount. she always asked if it's enough. she easily gave me money if i asked for it or for buying something. even then i felt privileged, because my friends had to do chores to get extra pocket money or they were expected to be thrifty with the given money.

when i was 11, i bought my first handphone; with my own money. because i so wanted a handphone i told my mom i didn't even want her to pay for it, i just wanted to have it. it took a while of convincing. i showed that i was doing well in school, and i was gonna use my bank saving, and if my life turned upside down after that lol it would be my fault and it wouldn't be her money that i wasted. i think that's the first time i used my money to buy stuff for myself. after that, it became common.

whenever i bought things which costed a lot, i tried to use my own money as much as possible. like handbags, phones, even my car...

mom still gave me daily spending for school. she still insisted on paying for my things if i went shopping. she still asked if i wanted money if i was going out. heck, she still does. even now when i'm all grown up. god why does this make me all teary. this isn't supposed to be a sad post gddmnit!

because i felt guilty, and i knew she didn't need to spend for me, sometimes i just gave her any amount when i had cash in hand. sort of like a payback. i bet it's not even close, but i did that from time to time.  she didn't want it of course. but i said it as my "hutang haritu", or i even went the extra length "mama taknak ayu dapat pahala ke" or a simple "kalau mama tak amik duit ni, haram."

i was still at school then. now of course it's my responsibility. not yet, but i am capable and i tell her if she wants me to get more, she must let me give it to her. i can't do much for you now mama, but this, i can.

the other day my mom told me she felt guilty, implied by "kesian ayu." because she never bought me stuff, so she said. she never bought me presents when i was always crowned the best student (that's only because i told you not to!) she never gave me anything for my thrice straight A's results (apa mama ni, you bought me phone for PMR, it's a surprise pulak tu!) she said "anak orang lain dapat macam-macam kalau result macam ayu. ayu kereta pun beli sendiri. kesian ayu."

it just broke my heart... i never want mama to feel that way.

so i replied, "sebab anak orang lain takde duit. ayu ada. kenapa nak guna duit mama pulak. anak orang lain pun tah-tah lagilah mak bapak tak dapat belikan, lepas tu dorang sendiri pun tak mampu nak beli. ayu patut bersyukur ada duit untuk beli barang sendiri. mama kan salu kasi ayu duit. mama kasi ayu hadiah beday pandora mahal pulak tu!"

when she gave me the pandora bracelet and jewelry set, which was also a surprise, she said it's a cumulative birthday present albeit a bit delayed. hahaha mamaa. because she hadn't given me a birthday present in a long time, she said. she's given me everything and more, why would i demand for a present on a specific day of the year?

but i understand. as a mom it's possible for her to feel that way. she just wants to make me happy. she wants to do what other parents do for their children. but the thing is ma, you're not like other parents. you don't have to be.

i've long made peace with what life could offer if it was different, or in fact if it stayed the same. i've made peace with babah not being here to spoil me like he would love to. come on, life's not that bad on most days. both mama and i know this, but sometimes it crosses our mind and it's not something wrong. i notice now mama mentions it more than she did in the past, and it's heart breaking. she thinks i deserve better and she pities me. worse, when she pities us. i'd just say, if we compare how we are with who we were, it is sad mama. but if we compare how we are now with some other people, we will feel glad. but there's nothing wrong in being sad once in a while, yes? 

just don't let it linger, that's all.

i'm usually the one who has feelings and feel sorry for mama, but i don't like it if she has feelings and feel sorry for me. because i know those feelings, they don't feel good. i'd rather mama not feel anything and let me be the feeler lols.

i'm lucky, i know. i've got so much in this life. but i wonder if i'm given all that so i can give to other people...

i know that's the point. to get is to give. but is it wrong if i feel it's too much?

i tell myself, when they ask too much of me, (maybe) that's because i'll get much in return.

people wouldn't have asked for help if they didn't need it. you're supposed to be glad for the opportunity to help others, even if you feel it's too much, even if you think they should have learnt to help themselves, even if whatever... you should be glad. you're the answer to their prayers. you're blessed and luckier. so help, because you can. as long as you can, it means you at least have it better.

that's what i tell myself.

i have to tell myself that, because it's hard. it's hard to lend a big amount of money, especially if you were told to keep it a secret from your own mom. especially if you know what she'd say if she knew. but i don't want her to feel sorry for me, i don't want her to feel bad about anything, and i don't want to dishonour a secret. but i know if i told her, if i just told her, i might not feel so bad about it. i might not feel bad about keeping a secret from my mom, and i might not feel bad about lending the money. it's between doing things for myself vs for another.

it's between making myself feel better vs making myself feel guilty later. guilty for not keeping the secret as asked of me. i still feel guilty for not telling my mom. but i know it's not necessary. i'm an adult. it's my money. i just have to suck it up and stop crying.

yes, i cry whenever it happens. because i feel so conflicted.

i'm not only conflicted about not telling my mom, but i'm conflicted about lending the money. and i need to ask my mom if i should lend it. i think it's because this time, it's my own money from my own bank account i set up myself. it's not money babah gave me in a bank account he set up for me. it's not like how it used to be. of course i love babah's money, not in a materialistic way, but in a sentimental way. it's what he left for me. i got it out of his kindness anyway so who am i not to share it with others in need? but it didn't feel this difficult even when i had no idea if i'd ever get it back. perhaps because i had no role in having it.

but this time, i got that scholarship money myself, and i saved it. i spend a lot, i splurge, i go on holidays and shopping trips, but i save. i'm pretty good at it if you ask me. sure, i know my friends could certainly save more, but hello, it's me. i'd never saved before. when i told my mom about the money i saved, she was surprised. she asked if i spend too little haha. no mama, i don't know how i feel everything is enough. it's actually more than enough if you just don't spend it on stuff.

so yes, do i wish i didn't have to lend the money? guilty.

and to think it's not even my hard-earned money! i wonder how do people who work day and night and weekend feel when all the rewards of their hard work are gone because other people decide it's a good idea to ask for a loan. i'd say you see now what's your fault? you should have worked as hard. at least, you should have tried. i knew this day would come.

but of course i don't say that.

baru sikit Allah uji. baru duit scholarship, belum salary. dah rasa susah nak bagi. aku harap dengan rasa susah ni, rasa berat hati ni, tapi aku bagi jugak, ada kebaikan untuk aku. ada berkat, ada rahmat. aku dahlah banyak dosa, aku harap Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa aku. aku harap Allah makbulkan doa-doa aku, mudahkan hidup aku, tolong aku. sebab sungguh, aku rasa susah nak tolong kalini. siap menangis bagai. drama. tapi kalau bukan aku yang tolong, siapa lagi?

aku nak tolong diri sendiri, sebab tu aku menyimpan, aku berjimat. lepas ni siapa nak tolong aku?

takpela ama... ada la tu... Allah ada...

it's hard because when i had to give the money, i was left with an amount that wasn't even enough for me to buy my flight ticket. i never waited for jpa's allowance, but at that time, i did. because i needed money. because i had given mine to somebody. yes, i have money in my saving account. but i vowed once the money goes in there, it will go out only when i'm bringing it back to malaysia. and when it's in malaysia, i won't give that part of money to other people.

what's even harder is i'll have to do it again. i guess. how could i say no. and the hardest part, i've never even given my own mom that much with this money i've got in the uk. that hit me the hardest. and i had just planned to save more for my mom, and for myself.

next year is my final year. i need to spend a lot, for stuff to bring back and to bring my mom here insyaallah. i want to spend for it, i don't mind. but i'm worried if i don't have enough, because people owe me. i sure hope they don't take long to pay me back..... i hope Allah helps them to pay me back because i'll be the one who needs help.

where is the limit that says you've done enough, you may stop? where is the line between you should always help and you shouldn't because you should help yourself? or is there none? just close your eyes, give it all and give in to God. He'll have your back. or is that not how it works?

i'm sorry. i needed to let all this out.

Gimme A Map, A Place, or A Somebody To Be

alhamdulillah. i've finished my first year of degree :)

*stop reading if you wish to stick to the positive things*

words cannot describe how thankful i am for getting this chance. 

but what can i say? i have found everything, but i have lost myself.

what's worse than not being content with what you've got, is not being content with what you've been given when you used to want it so much.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this, which is why i feel worse. that's what people are going to say anyway. so i just keep quiet. because you don't see it for it to be real to you. or maybe it just exists to me. i make up my own unhappiness and it's all my fault.

what does this girl who has got everything have to complain?

but i am not complaining. i'm just blaming me.

i'm afraid too, that i shouldn't feel like this and i would be punished for it. maybe i am already being punished, that's why i'm feeling like this.

but the feeling is just there. it's always there. no matter how happy i get. even if sometimes i forget it.

i don't like this feeling because it will ruin everything. i know it will affect everything else if i let it. my relationships with people, not just the academic and professional aspects of life. so i don't let it. other people are not responsible for how i feel towards myself.

that is the number one rule to love others, even when you hate yourself. even when others seem to have it better.

be an adult and suck it up. while you're with others, be crazy and funny and happy.

apparently it's easy to succumb to feeling less responsible for your own feelings when you have somebody to depend on emotionally. even if you've depended on yourself all your life. suddenly you are a kid. don't do that. don't hold them accountable for what you feel. you have to be strong as though you are all you've got. don't let them be your excuse for being weak. at first instance of being weak in hope they will give you strength, kick that kid up.

be strong as if all you have is yourself. find that within you, do not look for it in anyone else. because if you don't find it in them, you'll feel they are to be blamed. YOU motivate, push, reassure YOURSELF. if you abandon yourself, it's not anyone's job to make you feel worthy again. if you're not feeling good, it's because you don't make yourself feel good. 

other people can make you happy, but they can't give happiness to you. you're your own responsibility.

this is what i told myself. but maybe it's all just talk.

i've got what i wanted, but i've lost the very thing that helped me to be here.

i was always driven. but now, i don't feel any drive.

i used to do it all for myself. i didn't even do it for my parents. because i had my own motivation, i didn't need any external force to push me. mom didn't push me the way i did. i pushed myself enough. because i aimed high enough, and i was crazy enough to think i could achieve it. now i don't have all that. only now, when nothing's left, do i understand what it means to do it just for your parents. not even for yourself.

thinking mama is praying so hard for me. mama has done so much. i should do this at least for her.

i have lost myself, that i basically only have mama.

does that make me a bad daughter, or does it mean i am just so screwed?

i'm so tired of feeling like this. it's like a hole i keep falling into. sometimes people bring me flowers, sometimes the sun shines through, but it doesn't take away the fact that i am in a hole, which in my mind, i dig myself. 

preach about it from academical or religious point of view, thank you. but of course i knew it all already. of course that's what i've been telling myself. i don't just let myself drown, you know. i tried. but the hole is too deep.

i've broken down too much i can't build anything up anymore. not even hope. it gets to the point where i feel i should talk to somebody, like i need help. real help. but that's probably just me being overdramatic. just ignore it.

i've made some attempts to change things. it did not work. but i'll try again with other things...

i want to find what i've lost. i want to find that focus again. i want to think of what i want like i used to do, and like i used to do, make it happen.

i want to feel the stress. i want to feel the struggle to get what i want. 

my problem is, i don't know what i want anymore. i've got what i wanted, now what? i thought by going with the flow, and taking life easy, that would chill me down, that would be good for me. but instead, i let myself down. it's bad for me, not being stressed out to get something. struggles, are good. it's good to have something worth fighting for. now i don't have any cause in life. no fight.

i've long known, i just don't know how...

i've told you it's petty. you should have stopped reading.

i don't know when did i become this person who is in need for self-love. i thought not letting all those things define me shows that i love myself enough in spite of not becoming what the world wants me to be. but i forgot i have my wants too, and not becoming what i want, deprives me of the self-love i once had and treasured. i used to feel i was enough. now, having people loving me, isn't even enough for me to love myself. what an irony.

i am afraid this will make me unable to love selflessly. because to love people selflessly, you have to fully love yourself first.

and i want to be easy to love. i don't want to make it hard for people who love me.

i feel useless and worthless, it actually makes me sad. i think that's why i'm so down all the time. it affects my mood to study, it affects my mood with people. i try to hide it or distract it, suppressing in any way i can but it just happens. it doesn't change the fact that i feel it.

i don't have any mark in this world. i don't have any impact in people's lives. the world and people need changing, but my existence doesn't change a thing. i could have just been a bird and it would make no difference. even birds have their functions.

is it because i didn't choose what would push me the hardest. but no. don't regret your choices. don't. i chose this and Allah chose it for me. i am the one who has to make the most out of it. at least something. it's not grand, but it will be good. i've always favoured good over grand anyway. the thing is at this rate, it's nothing.

when i feel like this, i'd like to think about The Fault in Our Stars. the guy, is something like me. he wanted to do good things in life. but instead, he was sick. and dying. and became a burden. he felt like what i feel. the only difference is he at least had a legit reason for feeling like that. i am alive and kicking. and still feel just as bad.

anyway, it got to the point where the girl had to tell him off. that him feeling useless and worthless made it seem as if she meant nothing to him when he had touched her life too. she said he might want to be a hero, but that's not his life. he got her, that's the best he could get, so suck it up. sorry it's not the world you changed, but me. something like that.

i used this a lot to help me cope.

but i still know that's fiction, thank you.

and i will still feel it anyway.

others think i could be an inspiration, where i am now. they don't know that being here, i am not inspired at all. but it's okay, oxygen will get me by.

i have this habit of making "ama emo" a thing. i say it a lot to purposely make it lose its meaning. i don't know why but it's how i deal with things when i don't want people to make me deal with it. kind of my escape word. because it happens, so you don't have to worry about it. it's just ama emo moments. it's gonna go away.

don't worry about it. i'm gonna be ok :)

Dates To Forget

ctrl + click, click, click



14.1.2014

i make myself alone before people make me feel lonely.


23.1.2014

Solitary is better than isolation. At least you choose it. Even when your choice is the only option left.


20.2.2014

"Things change. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here."

Spare your care, save your tears. Know your place and nothing will go to waste. Know your place.


18.4.2014

today might not be like how you'd like it to be, but one day it may become a memory. so wake up, move along, carry on.


19.4.2014

Nobody knows what happens behind close doors.


21.4.2014

if you ask me now what do i really want? to just get it done and get out of here. leave this place, so long everyone else. it's easy to leave when there's much to heal and not much to miss

everyone was happy, and then there's me.

"ama, you lose one, you gain one." i know. but i dont like to lose things... or people. not like this at least. not for this reason.

keeping things inside is exhausting. appearing okay is not effortless.

i'm sorry if things are not okay. maybe some things aren't meant to be okay the way we hoped it would.

i always said bad times and places are bearable with good friends. then Allah wants to teach me a lesson. i learn that friends are a variable more unstable than i thought it was. your constant is always going to be only you, and God. remember this, before He reminds you through a test when nothing else is left. except Him.

when i was alone then, it's a choice. now, it's forced.

21.4.2014

Where i feel the most friendless is also where i experience friendship the deepest.


22.4.2014

i'll never forget the smirk on your face and the words you spit when insults were disguised as advice.


24.4.2014

i thought i knew people. i thought people knew me. it turns out we we wrong about each other.

God gives me tests when i'm about to sit for the most crucial exam. i dont want to think about things but i have to. what do i want? to just get it done and get out of here.


24.4.2014

God is testing me with trivial matters with temporary consequences when an important exam with permanent results is approaching.

But i believe in barakah. So everything is essential and i can't escape anything.


25.4.2014

When husnudzon is returned with hypocrisy. Patience is returned with pretense. Trust is returned with treachery.

We turn to Allah.

The moment when you can't even speak your prayers, you just feel it. You realize you're not even praying, but thinking of The All-Knowing. Because at that moment that's all you can do, and in the end He's all you have.


26.4.2014

when something happens to me, i think of anything i did to deserve it. if i deserve it, i pray to god to help the people i wronged to forgive me. but if i don't deserve it, i pray to god to help me forgive them.

when people hurt me, i keep justifying for them, reasoning their mistake, when they easily judge me for a mistake they easily believe to be mine. why? maybe denying is better than doubting. maybe the truth hurts and excuses give more comfort.


26.4.2014

ok enough. dry your tears, numb your fears, deafen your ears. keep your heart in a box, put your head in the game. get your shit together. what hurts now is nothing compared to what will hurt later.

"no matter how you feel, GET UP, DRESS UP, SHOW UP and never give up." be cool and look okay. cos baby, that's my forte.


30.4.2014

Falling out of place in the end is worse than feeling out of place in the beginning.

I've locked it in, and i won't let it out. Break down, then chin up. Because once you put on a mask, it's an easy task.


9.5.2014

just because i don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't trouble me. i just don't tell people things, let alone talk about people, to other people.

9.5.2014

Remind me why did i bother when i already knew nobody did?

Pretending to care is better than appearing not to give a shit. It's not an act. It's only tact.

At least have some decency to show acknowledgement even when we don't feel any appreciation, even if we really couldn't care less.

13.5.2014

a friend who is friend with you halfheartedly is better than a friend who is two-faced.


17.5.2014

the first time it happened i literally packed my bags and left. this time is not as brutal, but the betrayal i felt, my god, the betrayal.


22.5.2014

can i tell my best friend but i wont say names
nope
can i tell my mom but i wont say names
nope
ok i guess i'll take it to my grave.

thats how i deal with people's secrets, especially the serious ones.

to outsiders what should be done might be obvious but to one involved, not so much. because often things are more complicated than they seem and there's so much more to it than you know. so when someone tells you something, you have no right to tell other people about it. even if you mean it well. you dont know what damage you'll cause, whose heart you'll hurt.


24.5.2014

Telling people about your problems with other people doesn't validate your side of the story and doesn't victimize yourself. If anything, it tells them more about you than the people you talk about.

Expressing your emotions and backbiting are two different things.


25.5.2014

i wouldn't trust anyone who tells me other people's secrets.

yeah it's interesting to listen to, but should you be telling me this?

if they tell you the super top secrets of other people, why would you think you're any exception?


25.5.2014

from as far as you can remember, you've always known not to easily trust anybody.

but then sometimes you think oh it's actually nice letting people in, opening up, it feels good to have somebody to trust. there must be some exception!

nope. there hardly is any.

but it's the same cycle. don't trust. trust. oh shouldn't have trusted. never trust again. but maybe it's ok to trust this time. oops i did it again.

uh it never ends. but now it must.


26.5.2014

i am all lost and i lost it all.


3.6.2014

I say it's my choice - i choose the only choice i have.


5.6.2014

if i were you i wouldn't easily believe everything people tell me. this is not bersangka buruk that they are lying, this is bersangka baik that there's a misunderstanding. how can you judge anything without being the one facing it, feeling it, or at least listening to every side, knowing the whole story?


5.6.2014

it's not the thing that was done. it's the trust that was broken. the betrayal felt.


5.6.2014

when you don't belong, you will be lost. you want to be lost.


5.6.2014

i thought i was already numb. but i still succumbed.


5.6.2014

you're dealing with somebody who took at least 5 years before calling a girl her best friend and would want to be with a guy for at least 7 years before marrying him.

i don't throw labels around. at least not easily. because labels are misleading. because labels don't always stay true to the meaning. because labels aren't permanent. what i call you is not as important as what i feel for you. what i don't declare doesn't invalidate how i act and what i do. we know what we know and ain't that enough? of course, with commitment and consistency if not certainty? all these labels are what usually cause a mess in the first place. even without it, things are messy enough.

nobody owns me and i don't own anybody. not even my best friend. so you are free, as i sure should be. we all can be friend with anybody, we all can be with anybody, we all can be anybody. and we all can also not be what we used to be.


6.6.2014

I retreat, i hide, i don't tell anybody anything, i don't feel like talking, but i realize once somebody needs to talk to me, that's when i'll go out of my hiding. I'll be there.


6.6.2014

i usually don't tell people what happens between me and other people. break my heart? betray me? bitch about me? lie to me? lie about me?

i could, as venting. i should, as warning. but i wouldn't. for many reasons.

i think i might deserve it. i feel i am the bad guy. it might be my fault. i make excuses for them. i justify for them. i take it as a lesson. i myself make mistakes so i won't make a fuss about the mistakes of others. i feel guilty to talk about them. i'm worried if i end up backbiting them. and above all else, i assume they wouldn't do the same thing to me.

how disappointing, how sad, and how heart-and-trust-breaking to know that i was wrong.


6.6.2014

Choosing to be alone is better than being forced to feel alone.

16.6.2014

I've always been someone who treasures good times to make good memories. I even become sentimental as the memories are being made, at the time it's happening because reminiscing it is something i anticipate.

But i know life ain't always about the good things. Whenever i realize this, that i don't belong to a moment or a place, i tell myself "maybe i've had enough in the past, or i'll have more in the future. it's other people's turn and i have mine. just not now, not here."

It's not always easy, but i tell myself it's okay. Just make the best of what i have left.


27.6.2014

You thought you know people and people know you, untill stories from all sides start spilling. then there's some who think they know enough when they don't at all, just because they know you virtually, or the version of you with the wall.

That person you say with emotional issues? There's more they keep inside than what they show, you don't know their lives so stop saying you know their flaw. That person you see with attitude problem? They're the ones who love the most, the most honest in their harshness, you don't see their heart but it is the softest.

Even if you know people, you don't really know them, and they you. In this case, i'd rather have emotional issues than a rotten heart, and a friend with attitude problem than one with two-faced pretense.


13.7.2014

it's better to be the bad guy. because it's easier to deal with what you do than to wonder how could this happen to you. it's harder to be hurt.

let me do the hurting because i don't want to be the victim. let me be the bad guy because i don't want to be victimized.

but apparently, plot twists shock even the 'antagonist'.

i wouldn't do that to you, why did you do that to me?

i just feel so hurt and betrayed. these were the ones i trusted.

 delete

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.

Trial Over Trouble But Now Trial Is Over So Trouble Over Trial?

so today's the end of the one week break i gave myself. and tomorrow's the start of being serious. insyaallah..... by serious i mean going back to class and getting trial result....... and study...... insyaallah..... lol. if i start studying for real now one month and two weeks before the real alevel trial, this is really the start of the new ama. hopefully. never been seen before. insya- no, no more insyaallah. but bismillah! cey.

how was trial? hmm let see. i happen to know a few people here with dramas. nearing the exam week, their episodic events of conflicts seemed to be reaching the climax. among the episodes was one when somebody asked to see me, and upon seeing me cried on my shoulder for like 10 minutes, or less, or more. upon completing the crying session, that person wiped their eyes, and said, "dah." and i said, "ok."

that's not the first time for the record.

people were stressed out because of their own dramas and other people's dramas which they had to deal with by listening to lengthy details not concerning their lives or by directly getting involved in it. then i had to listen to them being stressed out about listening to other people's problems, which was kinda ironic, but i didn't mind, so i kept listening. as long as you don't drag me into your shit, it's fine. nope, not this time. other time can, this time cannot. trial for god's sake weh trial alevel!!!

they were so 'trouble over trial'. they were troubling people with their troubles, people who only wanted to be troubled by trial. so i told them "put off your problems. tell them to put off their problems. until after trial. just for these two weeks. pause. then have the world war III all you want i couldn't care less and in fact, i'd even be there."

but then, lalala, the night before trial started, i had to deal with a little complication of my own.

i was called a bitch. my reaction? i was surprised. seriouslyyy did that just happen? so i asked "what is your problem?" maybe i laughed a little. because it felt funny. i had never been called a bitch. not that i know of, lol. so that kinda added up to life experience, haha. and maybe because being called a B didn't bother me as much as something else i found out about that night did. that did bother me that being called a bitch was a comic relief. seriously i was just surprised and not angry at all. i didn't deserve to be called as such i'd say. but i understand the situation and the reason. so i was okay.

i ended up having to tell myself what i told people: put off your problem. trial over trouble.

be cool. act normal. about that thing that bothered me, i decided to put it off until after trial. but now i've decided to put it on hold until after alevel. which i think i wouldn't even bring up later on. but if i do, it's out of having to let it off my chest, and not because of being mad and causing world wars or things like that.

on the whiteboard in the class where we put our stuffs during exam. i didn't know who did this but i know it's not anyone from my class. and my class is the only class taking full psychology alevel. the other two/three classes only took half the subject. and already you said it's susah nok harom! hahahaha who said psycho is easy who said?! i feel proud lol. 

that's the story of the sunday before the first week of exam. this is the story of the sunday before the second week of exam. i don't even, whatever. luckily it all happened on sundays, haha.

after it happened i already wrote something about it, but i lost what i wrote. must have deleted it by accident. ok i typed it fine. i have bad handwriting okay. so can't copy paste it here. yeah i'm gonna blog about something old and the feeling is not gonna be fresh. but oh well. yeah i cheat, i sometimes i write things somewhere else first after it happens before blogging them. like i said, i never stop writing.

okay what happened was... i woke up sunday morning. grabbed my phone, as usual. i received a very long text. one of an apology. i literally just open my eyelids and the bright screen was blinding in the dark and i had to take time to digest what's going on. then i got it. i smiled. then i performed subuh. and i cried.

then i felt mad.

you don't get to make me feel shitty and send an apology. you don't get to make me sad then say sorry. you don't get to be the reason why i was unhappy, then having to cope with these changes, then when i've accepted it months later you said you miss me. i miss you too. but that doesn't make up for it at all.

you don't get to leave and then come back. nobody gets to do that to me. nobody.

you want to hug me? i feel like punching you instead for what you put me through.

no, i don't want to be rational now although i am one of the most rational people i know. i want to let it out. i want to let it go. it's not about me not doing it too and being ego. this is about you. i appreciate you making the first step but this is not about giving you praise. this is about you letting months pass. you have no idea what i felt whatsoever. because you didn't want to listen when i tried to tell you.

i've accepted my place, i've adapted to change, and i think things will never be the same.

it will be awkward and weird. and just. different.

there.

i don't know if i felt this because it still hurts, or because i was just still mad or sad.

there's a difference.

about one week after i blog about being unhappy, i stopped being unhappy.

one day, you just stop feeling sad.

you start being mad.

being mad is better than feeling sad.

then one day, you stop being mad.

you stop feeling anything.

that's the best kind of being.

i really felt better. i didn't give a shit. and it felt good. but receiving that text, reminds me of feeling shitty.

okay. i don't know if what i wrote earlier is any similar to this. however. what i wrote that sunday, i wrote before going to sleep that night, or going back to sleep that day. i don't remember. but what i remember was i had a dream right after writing it. weird dream. about what i had not dreamt in a long time. it had nothing to do with what i wrote. it was a dream about a different subject. but maybe... the same theme.

i remembered having that dream only after one hour of waking up. did you know that most of our dreams are forgotten right after we wake up? i considered it a luck, so i wrote about the dream in detail, like i sometimes do. did you know that few people dream in black and white? i always remember my dream, but i never notice in what colour it is. but that day, i realized i dream in colour. because in that dream, i saw the colour blue.

blue. among all colours. like it shines right through.

i think that was the second dream which made me realize i dream in colour. the first dream was about three or four years ago. but it might not be legit because the colour which was the highlight was white.

it was about the same subject though.

sigh. 

so that was my trial report. bitch and babe. because blogging about how i did for each subject would be a bore. ok i did that a few years ago. but really i don't know what my fate is this time. i guess it's not going to be as good as last sem's final exam.

but i will get better for the real alevel. in one month and two weeks. insyaallah. bismillah. 

Kak Nurlin's Wedding and The Secret Since 2011

TIBALAH MASA UNTUK BERITAHU DUNIA APA AKU DAH TAHU SEJAK SEKIAN LAMA.

jeng jeng jenggggg

sebelum tu kita bukak mukadimah dulu. blog gossip pun ada mukadimah, jangan over sangat ye ama.

bismillah (cey dan dan).

tadi aku pergi wedding pertama aku! bukan bermaksud aku kahwin kali pertama, tak ok tak. maksudnya wedding pertama yang aku dijemput untuk perginya (read: the first wedding i was invited to). lol bm apakah itu. sebelum ni kalau pergi mesti mak tetamu utamanya. ".... dan keluarga." tu pun kalau pergi la, haha. tapi kalini aku yang diundang! haruslah datang!

wedding tersebut ialah wedding kak nurlin :")

OK NAK BAGITAU SEKARANG KE NANTI. NANTI LAH. TUNGGUUU. STAY TUNEEED.

dua minggu sebelum trial a-level, aku dapat satu notification di fb. bukak noti tu. OMG OMG OMG!!!

JEMPUTAN KE MAJLIS WALIMATULURUS KAK NURLIN DAN SUAMI!

i swear i screamed or something in front of the laptop screen.

terus tekan maybe. baru cek tarikh. alamak. lepas trial ke masa trial ke sebelum trial? cek ngan kelasmet. bebetul lepas trial! alhamdulillah! terus tekan going hahaha. serius aku excited gila.

taktau kenapa reaksi aku sedemikian rupa waktu tu. mungkin sebab excited senior nak kawen? mungkin sebab first wedding invitation aku dapat even via fb tapi nanti kak nurlin hantar kad? mungkin sebab cita-cita untuk pergi wedding sesiapa sebelum fly tercapai? mungkin sebab aku memang suka konsep seprais orang takde cakap apa tetiba je bagitau nak kawen segala? mungkin sebab aku dah lumrahnya dikenali sebagai cepat terharu, teruja aka over? atau mungkin...... sebab aku dah tau? because i knew? muehehehe stay tuneeed. tungguuu.

lepas comment kat sini, baru kak nurlin pm cakap dia suruh aku ajak perempuan. punyalah semangat aku mengajak mereka yang dimaksudkan. lagipun orang dah jemput kan? aku pulak memang plan nak buat reunion terus nanti kat majlis tu hahaha. tapi ramai yang busy atau kat luar negeri, ada jugak yang segan la sebab kak nurlin tak kenal dia la apa la.

last-last muka ni jugak je yang ada

muka ni.

terima kasih muka ni kerana datang dari upm menemaniku menjadi wakil dan mungkin... mencari inspirasi?

gambar sebelum ke majlis. dah sampai dah destinasi. tapi tak sampai ke majlis lagi. sebab segan nak mati. ya Allah sumpah. kalau cerita kat sini apa kitorang lalui lagi segan haha so baik takyah cerita. kita skip terus ke bahagian di mana kitorang sampai ke majlis ye.

part tu pun still segan sebenarnya. sebab tak sampai lagi sebenarnya. kitorang jalan kat atas daripada belakang dah nampak kak nurlin dan suami (aww!) duduk kat meja makan beradab. FANGIRLING! lepastu jalan je kat tepi dari jauh memerhati dan..... kak nurlin boleh pulak nampak kitorang. dahlah time tu aku tengah nak tangkap gambar dia. bayangkan tangkap gambar dari atas dari jauh. agak creepy. bapak paparazzi. pastu kitorang gelak janggal ok lek lek buat cool buat selamber jom pegi je fuh fuh. nervous macam aku pulak yang nak pegi akad nikah.

ye lah mana tak nervous! kitorang dua orang je kot! tak kenal sesiapa! segan dengan geng senior!

kitorang turun bawah, masuk bawah khemah, lambai2 kak nurlin dari jauh lol. pastu kak liyana izyan datang, kata kak nurlin suruh kitorang makan dulu. "kak nurlin cakap kesian korang segan." k.

masa makan, rombongan cikgu2 pun tiba! rombongan pertama dok kat meja kitorang. rombongan kedua yang datang kemudian dok meja lain. puan norliah duduk sebelah saya hihi. kami pun bersembang dan... bergambar.

"cikgu, jom tangkap gambar."

"ok. wassap cikgu tau"

sepanjang makan, usha je kak nurlin dan suami dari jauh. nak tangkap gambar ngan dorang tapi segan tsk. nak poyo kat blackboard tu ngan props tapi pemalu tsk. last-last menyelit masuk rombongan cikgu-cikgu tangkap gambar hahahah. pastu barulah ada peluang untuk tangkap gambar berempat je.

WEHOOO! 

after the photo was taken, me and hajer while looking at it

haz: why are we so..... midget

me: how are we ever gonna get married like this

tekanan perasaan jap.

kalau boleh nak duduk lama lagi, pekena cendol second round kaa. tapi taktau nak lepak mana, sebab majlis ni buat dalam masjid. best kan? senang je. bak kata haz, "simple yet perfect wedding." tapi insyaallah saya boleh tunggu lagi dan dengan penantian ini ada tempat lain yang diidamkan hihi. i get it. once you really want marriage, you don't care about anything else, as long as you're married. sekarang ni bolehlah dream wedding bagai, but when you come to that point, the only dream you'll have is just to get married and nothing else matters. cey.

sebab taktau nak dok mana and buat apa dahlah berdua je, kami pun mintak diri dulu. kak nurlin tanya eh nak balik dah? ye kak sorry sobs. bila dah sampai rumah baru terfikir. dah apa masalah tak duduk je dalam masjid tadi? ambikla wuduk solat ke apa lepakla sampai petang boleh jumpa tetamu lain boleh tengok kak nurlin potong kek boleh tangkap gambar pengantin! masjid tempat paling convenient kot!!! tsk.

sebelum balik, kita sambung sesi bergambar... berdua.

tumpang lalu

 

self-explanatory.

dah lama aku tak menggedik camni. malu. bila jumpa hazirah je jadi camni balik. hahaha.

it means you bring out the real me! even the best of me! awww

dah tu je bye.

ok kidding.

kita telah sampai ke kemuncak post ini!!!

ke korang dah blah. penangan selfie tadi takde sape sanggup tunggu lagi.

ok cerita dia camni. 

ini apa yang aku blog dalam satu post aku tahun 2013 dulu.

"sama la macam sorang lagi senior aku ni. aku kan stalker. tapi aku stalk dia dulu untuk tau perkembangan hidup dia, jadi motivasi study. tetiba terjumpa sesuatu. dia tak hebah benda ni, tapi kengkawan dia memang dah heboh lah. dia dah jumpa bakal suami rupanya. aku panggil bakal suami sebab term pakwe tu tak kena, akak ni baik-baik alim-alim sikit. kang kalau aku cakap pakwe kang mulala korang stereotype macam dak-dak bercinta zaman sekarang. kalau cakap pasal kawan aku pun (pandang... eh) aku sebut bakal suami sebab aku tak suka orang salah faham kawan aku. aku tau dia camne. 

berbalik kpd akak tu, insyaallah ada jodoh. sesuai serba serbi aku tengok. laki tu pun aku dah stalk. eh. memula agak terkejut, sebab orang ingat dia robot jugak kot. tapi aku memahami dia, jadi aku tau dia manusia yang juga punya rasa ceyyy. masa aku chat ngan dia aku cakapla aku tau pasal ni. dia tak deny pun, gegelak lagi. sah ni sah. comel tengok dorang bersweet-sweetan dalam keselamberan sebagai kawan, esp bila orang ejek dorang. paling comel dorang guna kau/aku. OMAGAD COMELNESS OVERLOAD! itulah benda yang aku mahu sejak dulu, tahu? aku nak bakal laki bukan nak teman laki eww. cakap kau/aku. kawan cam biasa, lek lek je. padahal dalam hati. padahal brader tu memang nak kawen ngan akak ni. awww!

ok ama cukup ni blog kau ke blog gossip ni."

seprais, seprais!!! akak tu ialah kak nurlin! *mercun meletup bunga api boom boom paw di langit*

aku akan cerita apa yang aku rasa takpe untuk cerita kat sini. lagipun blog ni sape je lagi baca. kak nurlin pun tak baca dah. kengkawan dia pun tak baca dah. kengkawan aku pun tak baca dah. dulu zaman sekolah bukan main semua saling blogwalking, comment sini comment sana dengan senior sekali, comel je. sekarang semua dah busy. aku pun dah tak baca blog orang, apetah lagi dorang. so takpe kot... heheh.

alkisahnya, 2011. satu hari menjelang spm. aku sedar yang aku patut study tapi tak cukup sedar diri lagi. hidup sungguh lek masa banyak dibazirkan depan komputer. jadi alang-alang dah online, aku bukak fb kak nurlin. sebab masa tu kak nurlin dah dapat straight A, tengah buat A-level, tinggal nak fly je. untuk jadi semangat aku stalk dia. walaupun dia dua kali lima aku je sebenarnya: suka tidur, selalu tidur, geng tidur lah senang kata. tapi takpe, asalkan dia dah berjaya.

stalk untuk cari motivasi study, tapi motivasi lain pulak yang aku jumpa. hahaha. sejak tu aku dah tau apa yang orang boleh tau dari segala apa yang ada kat internet untuk diketahui. ok sorry kak dan suami. tak sengaja terbukak tetiba dah tau banyak pulak lol. skill stalking aku boleh buat aku tau macam2. bukan pasal benda yang aku memang nak cari je, tapi benda yang aku tak sengaja jumpa pun aku boleh gali dalam2.

you think you can hide something from me? think again. but don't worry, normally i only stalk people if i have strong reasons. takdelah tetiba nak ceroboh privacy orang sesaje. only if it involves me and it's important to me. kengkawan aku sendiri pun aku tak stalk, unless somehow God wants to show it to me and let me find something without even looking for it. kengkawan lagi la aku tak stalk, because to me if they want to tell me something, they will. beyond that, it's personal. takyah la nak stalk2 sebab nak tau hidup kawan sendiri. please have a shred of respect. btw, stalk in this sense is searching for something, not reading a public blog or scrolling down a public profile. ok end of it.

sekali lagi sorry kak nurlin dan suami. hehe. tapi aku tak bagitau sesiapa. in fact, aku ada cakap kat kak nurlin aku tau pasal ni. dia suruh doakan dorang. manelah tak terharu teruja bila tau dorang nak nikah akhirnya! i knew it! i knew it's her jodoh! but i kept it to myself!

ok aku mungkin ada terbagitau hazirah. hahaha. tapi sumpah tak bagitau sesape dah, sampailah tau dia nak nikah baru aku bagitau kengkawan lain pasal ni. haz and i almost don't have boundaries sooo.

BEAUTIFUL

(kak syaza i assume you don't mind me stealing this picture? haha sorry but i really love it! you always know how to capture the moments. wish i was there so i could see it myself and meet you for the first time! cepatla kawen so kita boleh jumpa!!!)

memang sangat best tengok dorang dulu :) almost perfect love story, to me. she kinds of get what i want, you know? how casual they were. but at the same time not dismissing any feeling. still showed appreciation, although not affection. not being in denial or not not admitting it. how their friends and family make fun of them all the time it's actually funny, but they're cool about it. sweet senyap-senyap. upload and post things meaningless to others but meaningful to each other. let those who knew, know. the only ones who knew i guess were kak nurlin's family and her bro-in-law-to-be, one of her close friends from school, and her friends from her prep college. 

they met at prep college while doing a-level btw. kind of like 'the plan' at this level. meet now, marry five years later, pour exemple. because i can't imagine myself marrying someone i don't really know and someone i don't know long enough. but oh well. i don't like to plan or to make the plan happen. i'd rather let it be the plan, without planning it. if the plan hasn't started now, it's okay. at least i'm not bounded to anything or anybody and i can explore whatever or whoever i want. it's okay. long way to go, lot of people to meet. if it has, then all the better! hahahah kbai.

the best part of the almost perfect love story? the surprise wedding. ramai yang terkejut gila even geng kak nurlin masa sekolah dulu. kind of like what i wish mine will be. tetiba je bagitau nak kawen. or better yet, tetiba je dah kawen. hazirah kata tak best la camtu. "eh bestlah!....... what's with me and secret life though." seriously. aku kalau boleh nak fly pun diam2. tetiba je upload selfie kat sana. kalau boleh nak nikah pun diam2. tetiba je upload selfie bersama. aww hahaha. serious best. tu cara aku berkomunikasi dengan dunia kot, upload selfie. LOL. but no la. in all seriousness, aku jenis tak suka kecoh2 kecah2. tak suka beday pun nak bising, fly pun nak reramai, lambat lagi nak kawen pun dah tayang satu dunia. i keep it low, yo.

dulu, kak nurlin ada blog pasal something. something berkenaan perasaan. yang dia pun ada perasaan jugak. yang dia jadi sedih bila orang tanya dia soalan2 berkaitan tu. dia pun teringin jugak. tersentuh lak. ok jangan pelik k kenapa aku ingat bebenda ni. tetiba je teringat. ini dalam psychology namanya flashbulb memory. something you retain and recall due to the emotions or its significance. dahla kak nurlin bukan salu blog pasal personal life dia pun. selalu family, friends, study. semua aku suka baca, especially pasal family. to me her family seems like the perfect family with each of them having their own identity. seronok baca. sekali kuar post perasaan camtu. takpe kak, now you've got all the answers :)

awal tahun ni masa beday kak nurlin, ternampak ada orang wish something like "may your preparation for your big day go smoothly." big day?! preparation?! taktau apa yang berlaku, aku wish je kak nurlin with a tiny hint of double meaning hehehe. sebelum tu ada nampak kak nurlin share satu quote ni yang aku pernah share... kak nurlin jarang berfb. jadi mungkin quote ni ada makna tersendiri. let me put it this way... quote tu buat aku tak expect yang this love story will end in marriage. but it did! alhamdulillah :)

mungkin sebab makna quote tu pada aku lain, tapi lain pada kak nurlin. sobs lulz.

tabs: MH370-related and online shopping stores. priorities.

honestly, this was what kept me going through trial. because i had something to look forward to. i was so pumped up thinking just do it, get it over with, then you can go home and go to the wedding! probably this is the reason why i didn't die hahah.

actually, sebelum fly - insyaallah - dalam wishlist aku, aku nak pergi wedding sesiapa kawan aku. sebab aku tau, bila aku fly nanti tah-tah ada yang kawen masa aku kat sana. menganga dari jauh la jawabnya. kalau ada yang kahwin sebelum aku fly, dapatla merasa nasi minyak member. at least tunang la. dapatla berkongsi detik bahagia. ceh. serius teringin sangat. but... at this age and at this rate, haha, i don't think any of my friends will get married soon. but out of the blue, kak nurlin got married and i got to go to the wedding. jadi lah kan? dapat merasa :)

so who's next? :3