Random Return

I SAID I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY BLOG

i didn't know i was lying :(

i couldn't imagine life without blogging then... funny how things turned out. scary too... makes you think what kind of person you are. am i gonna abandon something else when i promised not to, like i did to my blog? we'll never know.

tetiba deep.

gawd. okay instead of moaning let's just start writing about something else!

oh my god i didn't even write about the whole time i've been in the UK, about going back to malaysia, and now back in UK again... guys i am sad. help

maybe that's for next time... after i actually start writing again. now, let's start with something... random.

like, RANDOM QUESTIONS! 

(i googled what to write for an hour before i found this)

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

24. I don't even know why. there might be a reason, but unconsciously? lulul

2. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

kindness. everybody needs to be freaking kinder. when you're kind, you'll try to understand better, and if you can't, you'll at least embrace acceptance and practice tolerance. if the whole world is kind there would be no bloody war, gaddamit

3. If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be?

be trustworthy, yet don't trust just anybody. i mean yeah, with pedo case on the rise now, like, why not. it's a good advice!

4. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

i'd kill for a loved one.

5. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yes. i want to let go. but the thorns of regret and disdain, they prick my fingers, piercing my palm and now i'm stuck holding on to it. 

6. Why are you, you?

because i wouldn't want me to be any other way. okla the long answer:

i'm me because i have had strong principles since i was a kid, i don't know where that came from. i'm me because i grew up crying and wanting a different life. i'm me because i still cry at 21 but i don't wish for a different life now. i'm me because i've been hurt and the pain never really left. i'm me because i have achieved things that made me so relieved, and i have also felt so hopeless. i'm me because i have been happy to the point i feel undeserving of it and unfamiliar with it. I'm me because i've had to be the bad guy in some people's stories. i'm me because i have good common sense since i was so young, being aware of things my peers weren't. i'm me because i know myself. i'm me because i'm a potato but a perfectionist, an overachiever but a lazy-arse. i'm me because i've made mistakes and i've been wronged. i'm me because i've lost people and loved others. i'm me because i'm predday darn cool liddat.

here's a random picture

7. What are you most grateful for?

my mother.

now i wanna cry

8. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were really upset? does it matter now?

5 years ago would be... 2010. ahaha i was really upset because all my close friends left me alone for boarding school and there was a period of time when i felt friendless, i'd even excuse myself from class, go to the toilet to blink back tears aggressively lol. on top of that, we had this super dramatic drama involving a teacher, let's just leave it at that. but we were miserable, me and my new friends, for a while ha. i was sad that my boarding school friends would only excitedly talk to each other about their new school, because why would you ask how ama was doing at lembah??? same ol', same ol' right. i remember texting my primary school friend aisyah, during hari anugerah cemerlang when my friends came back for PMR prize giving ceremony. i told aisyah how secluded and ignored i felt, when i had been waiting for that day to come. but it seemed like nobody was waiting to see me. emo. but rightfully so. ku terima banyak anugerah namun apalah maknanya jika rasa tak dihargai rakan. loool. lagi satu, ada la sorang budak ni kan dia sejak masuk asrama kirim salam je nak tanya khabar taknak. aku pun makin emo.

but now... none of that matters :') this time i'm the one who left my friends for uni abroad! but i'm still alone hahaha that's alright mate i'm 5 years older. now i'm all gloriously alone. but friends still 4ever. and the new friends i made 5 years ago? they're my 5ever! budak asrama tu pulak bukan je tanya khabar, benda lain pun dia dah tanya sekarang ni. ama hepi. 

9. What is your happiest childhood memory? what makes it so special?

i don't know which, and i don't know much, but this one comes to mind. i told babah how mama pegang kuat-kuat tangan adik masa jalan. and babah told me, sebab mama sayang adik.

10. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

let everyone read everything i ever wrote, about life, loss, and love.

this feels like the first time blogging again. but i made it!

okbye see you next year LOL

Serioushit Questions #3: If I Were To Die

You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?

this question has striked my mind many times, since i was still so young when my peers didn't bother themselves with this grave (literally) questions. then again, maybe it's because they didn't know death like i did. in my life, death feels so close, like it can rip those closest to me anytime it wants. like it did once. i fear others' death more than i do mine. so before i RIP, i don't really LIP, i become paranoid on certain basis. but now it's not as worse, i'm getting better. more cilek orang kata.

do you?

i don't always think about my own death, though. but when i do, i think of who will be there. here's a secret. my imaginations are sometimes so intense it has made me cried thinking about my own death. not because i couldn't bear thinking that i was dead. but i couldn't bear thinking of those who cared.

i know despite complaining about people who are responsible for my trust issues, that some do care. a few do love. it took me a while to realize that. i cried thinking of how it would make them feel. their shocked faces when they find out. their blank expression when they try to deny it. their eyes when they finally believe it. it's so heart-breaking to fantasize about it it breaks my heart too.

this question is included in the file entitled My Death stored in a drawer labeled as What If in a store that is my brain. a creepy brain i know. i have all the answers figured out, just need to flip through the file again. 

1. i will not tell anyone about it.

if you really know me, you'll know i can be one heck of a secretive girl. i was really secretive back then, but now not as much. because i've found people i trust, although i learn a lot about it the hard way. but the price of being comfortable to the point of opening yourself up to people (or blogs in this case) is putting down your guard and let your secrets out of the closet. when you start, telling people about yourself can be addictive, even to those whose trustworthiness hasn't been proven yet. so i don't know whether i embrace it or regret it.

in 2010 i didn't tell anyone about going to stay in New Zealand for two months, except for a few people and even then they didn't know when. i texted them about it when i was already at the airport. in 2012 i only told people i was about to leave for umrah the day i did, and that included my best friend. she was really upset, i felt bad about it. i don't know, it's just a thing i do. i'm the type of person who might even out of the blue update a picture showing her henna painted hand and ringed finger with a caption "i'm married!" ok maybe not that secretive.

so what did you expect when it comes to the matter of life and death? of course if i were to find out about it in advance, i would bring the secret to my grave, literally.

what worries me is most likely my family would find out about whatever health condition i were to suffer from. dah yang bawak gi sepital pun mereka kan, mana lagi kau nak sembunyi? but once i'm all grown up and can depend on myself, it's gonna be a well-kept secret. if i would tell anybody else, it would be my best friends. and they better not tell a soul anything or i'll bring them with me to my grave.

i don't want people to treat me differently. i hate seeing their eyes filling up with sympathy. i dislike listening to their unnatural, sudden gentle, kind words. i loathe any of it.

i would want to live normally, happily, positively. would you not?

2. i would do what i've always wanted to do, should do, would do if only i had more time

speaking as a muslim, of course i would do what muslims do nearing their last day of the first life. you only live twice. make the best out of the first one to get the best second one, aye? if you live by YOLO, you'll make the best out of this worldly life only, which is a no no.

taubat. Allah. i would repent like i never repent before, more and more every time. ok now that we're talking about death in islamic context i start to feel terrified. kalau tak, takdelah sangat. mungkin takdelah langsung. i was once a girl who thought death was the only escape. so... yeaaah moving on. i would buat pahala even more la. but if you ask me to choose only one; buat pahala atau hapus dosa? i say hapus dosa. dosa banyak sangat ya Allah buat pahala banyak pun tah-tah tak efek timbangan al-mizanku. buat pahala sangat senang sebenarnya. tapi hapus dosa itu tak semudah yang disangka.

speaking as me, i would... write a novel. what i have always wanted to do since forever. i have a few developed plots, storylines, even dialogues and oh the endings as well but what does all that mean if they're only in here?! *gestures to the head. i would say what i've been thinking, ask what i've been wondering. i would go to places i love. walk on the beach and lie on sand, swim in seas and beam at the sky. gaze at the moon and count the stars. spend more time with loved ones, laugh like i live forever. i believe if one knows they are about to die, they'll see, listen, and talk differently. it's tragically beautiful.

oh yeah i would send that organ donor form i've filled in for quite a while. here's a funny story. a few days ago i was not feeling well, and one morning i woke up trembling and freezing to death. i didn't really have a fever, but then again i never had a fever which woke me up from sleep only to greet me with gritted teeth. i wrapped myself with a thick comforter like a burrito but it was still really freaking cold i was wailing. for a second there i thought i was dying and how i didn't send that form yet but my mom knows about my intention to be a donor but would that be enough? i was shaking so badly and my head hurt so i just resumed my sleep hoping my mom wouldn't check on me because she'd freak out thinking i was dying or something lol.

i would make sure the little money and possessions i leave behind go to the right people and places. i would go extra, extra length in trying to help people cause i've got nothing to loose. i would get rid of my secrets-filled notes i wrote some time ago, a diary i once used to spill my heart out. i would delete pictures the camwhore side of me owns, and some stuffs i upload/post online. i might want to write something for loved ones. i would consider whether to let my family know about this blog and my fb account or not. they don't know this side of me, this expressive, thoughtful, poetical, writer side of me. all i am to them is the manja anak last who sometimes can be annoyingly loud and other times spend her days in her room all shut up. 

wow. so much to do in one month, eh?

but one thing i wonder if i would really do is say this;

"if i die, tell him i love him."

of course, there's no him is there not?

3. i would and would not be afraid

spiritually speaking, of course i would be afraid. i'm a muslim. i know where people go after they die. i know what happens in the afterlife. i'm not gonna be stuck in some limbo. if i'm good enough, i'll go to heaven. if i've been bad, i'll go to hell. but it's not that easy. it's complicated, the record of our deeds, the counting of our doings. even before that happens, we'll stay in the world of the dead. we stay down under, and get a taste of how we'll be treated up there. it's all the matter of being ready for the down under and the up there part, not of death itself. and to be ready, is to be a good muslim. which i slack off sometimes, most of the times, or all the time.

so of course i would be scared shitless.

but i think maybe i would not be afraid because i know all that. some people are afraid of death because they are clueless of the part after life. where do you go after this? they have no idea what it's about. do you become a ghost or do you reincarnate or do you just poof? they don't know if they're just gonna end up as dirt. what's the point of living? useless the life they've had, pointless the life they've made. 

i would not be afraid because i would be lucky. hey, at least i know when i'm going to die right? i think sick people who know they are dying are lucky. because they have time to get closer to God, to people, to the world. at least they can repent, seek forgiveness, confess love. those around sick people who know they are dying are lucky, at least they are prepared for it. at least they've been warned of the life they will have after the life of someone ends, they have time to brace themselves. at least they can give their best to them on their last days. these people, are usually more redha when the dying souls finally go.

but if i were the dying one, those around me wouldn't be so lucky muahaha.

to know about anyone's death beforehand, can be the worst curse, but the best blessing one can ever gain.

Serioushit Questions #2: Declaration of Love... To Her

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?

Hajerah Pajero Hatimato Hatimun Harith, also known as Haje to me but commonly known as Hazirah, and she is my besfwen awww.

this was when i told her i love her.

• haje where are you 

  i love you

  ill wait for you

  come back

  come back to me

  come back

  and then i died in a flooding tunnel or something
• 
  

  flooding tunnel? lol tunnel banyak sampai tenggelam. flooded tunnel kot. whatev

  so i died

  and this whole story of us is just a make believe story by my sister who's tortured by guilt for separating me with the love of my lofe

  life

  which is

  you

  in her mind we're both at a beach running and laughing and hugging... wait this is getting weird

  but actually we're both dead

  oh yes you died due to some illness at the war or something

  but we both never get our happy ending

  never

  never

  like ever everrrr

  getting back togetherrr

  k.
• 

  Haz
  

  
  

  What is wrong with you. R u having ur pms?
• 

  Ama
  

  
  

  watcha doin

  oh actually it was a scene from Atonement just saying u kno rite

tengok tu orang cakap i love you dia cakap orang pms apalah nasib hidupku

ok it was not really a passionate, meaningful declaration of love right, but still. in case you missed it the i love you part is at the start of the conversation. the rest of it is just to show how much a loony i am sometimes when i get comfortable with people i really know.

starting this year i guess, when i started saying i love her, to her. even more often when i got into INTEC and she got into Palam, my roommate-tak-jadi sobs. at first it was awwwkward, it went like something like this

"haje, i love you"

"...."

"i love youuuuuu"

"k....?"

"i know you love me too say it back demmit"

"ok ok i love you too"

something liddatlaaa. haha. it wasn't like i forced her to say it or anything, Haje has always been someone who's not really all feelings and dramatic and emotional like me. to the point that i actually, many times, doubted her feelings for... er, someone. even i, who knows almost everything about it, doubt it. but i've seen the proofs of her, em, feelings, and i will doubt no more. teheeeMUAHAHA.

there comes a point in friendship when you trust each other to the point of sharing passwords and reading personal stuffs HAHA

we kinda balance out each other, compliment each other with her lack of shown affection and visible emotions, and my "OMG", "ASDFGHJKL", "LUVYABABEH" and stuffs. so it's good laa, isn't it?

omg im being rly sweet here. see? at first it will be hard for me to admit i love you to just anybody and be really lovey dovey like this, but it's gonna be worth it in the end.

worth it kan Haje? har har har i know you love me shadap.

Serioushit Questions #1: I Love You Too? I Don't Love You?

i have been wanting to do this for a while. to answer some serious questions that make you think about some serious things. this shit is serious i tell ya.

but we'll start with a rather, um, less seriously-shit question. but one which is um, the right question to answer at the moment. i did this a few days ago btw, yeah i can even procrastinate when it comes to clicking the button 'publish'.

• What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?

tough question. tough situation. fearing a tough answer in return. answer given by me, or them, which one is feared the most, is the question.

if i were to tell them that i love them, it would be hard because i'm not really open with my feelings. i'm shy, actually, behind this hahaha fooling around upfront. i don't really share things with just anyone, let alone say those three words to someone.

the more you love, the more you get hurt. it would be hard because i am afraid of getting hurt. if loving someone is like giving your heart to them and trusting them not to unconsciously let it fall and crash to the ground, then letting the person know is like giving them the permission, the right, the power to hold your heart and crush it in their own palm, knowingly, which is worse.

and i am afraid of getting embarrassed. but i don't know which one is worse; rejection or embarrassment  i hope i won't have to know.

but i can imagine the relief of finally letting it all out, the unspoken feelings since God knows when. it's torturing to keep it all alone and to not know if the other person feels it too. it really is. forever wondering if they knew... if they feel it too. the downside is if they don't, hence begin the awkward moment. if you're lucky then it will not last long, you can pretend it never happened, but it did happen and nothing can change history, nothing can erase the memory.

you're gonna be remembered as the one who tangoed alone.

if i were to tell them that i don't love them, it would be hard because i wouldn't want to hurt them. assuming that they say it first, putting me in a situation where i have to tell them i do not feel the same thing, otherwise never in my right mind i will go around telling people i don't love them lol. i don't want to hurt them, because i know how it hurts.

oh the cycle of unrequited love, or crush, or whatever it is the thing that we all feel but don't know what it is.

it would be hard because i don't know how to say it. heck, it would even be hard for me to say i like that person back, let alone the opposite. even if i really, really, really like the person to the moon and back i will still not say it. that's one of the reasons la why confessing is so not my thing. so yeah you can't really tell what i feel, unless i purposely drop some hints to let you know whether i like you or not. but you'll get confused still.

anywaysss, back to the point. it would be hard because, see, if you're saying "i love/like you," you just say it. there's no other way, no beating around the bush hinting with no end because even if you don't say it, it shows. a girl knows. but a girl wants to be nice too. so it is hard, to say the right thing, to make it clear but at the same time to spare the guy from getting hurt.

if he's a friend, i can talk things out with him. but what if he's not a friend? it's harder. if he's not even serious about his feelings, i can just dismiss the topic. but what if he's serious?

if i were to say i love someone, the first to confess, it's 50/50, it's either a happy ending, even just for that second, or not. but if i were to say i don't love someone, i know it's a 100% confirmed closure. someone won't be happy.

if i were to say i love someone, i am already taking a huge risk, i am already preparing myself for the worst, i should be telling myself it might not end up the way i hope it will, i would put a fluffy cushion or even a mattress on the floor so that when the worst case scenario happens, even though my heart falls to the ground, i have taken safety precautions to not let it break. i should know.

but if i were to say i don't love someone, i don't know how to catch his heart without really, catching it, you know? just to catch for the sole purpose of keeping it intact, not for keeping it. i don't know if he would feel okay afterwards, or how long it will take for him to be okay. of course, who am i to give such an impact? but then even i know, it hurts, even for an unexplained feeling, unknown emotion, even for one night, even for one moment.

i would feel really sorry. i really would. i would even feel sad. but there's nothing i can do about it. if the best treasure in the world is to love and be loved in return, then i would wish to feel the same thing, because the 'be loved' part is already there, i just need to work on the 'to love' part. it's not easy to be loved. but then again, it's not easy to love, now i know.


it's not easy for two people to be in love at the same time. it they do, it's a miracle. but even such a miracle doesn't always stay strong and long in this world.

so yes. i would say it would be harder to tell them i do not love them back. it was.