Third Teasing

Recently someone left a comment on a post here: "how's your life now ama?"

How's my life eh? I'm sorry i've totally abandoned this blog no matter how many times i said i wouldn't. i'm sorry to this blog, i'm sorry to the younger, hopeful, determined me, i'm sorry to my long dead hobby and what used to be my talent. it looks like i'm getting crappier as a person as i grow up. with nothing that lasts and nothing that can make me say "hey, i am good at it and i actually stick to it!"

i'm sorry to my younger self for everything that i don't end up to be. oddly enough, i guess i should say sorry to whoever who used to read this blog because i lied when i said i would keep blogging. i don't think anybody would care. but then again, i don't want to do or not do things just because people care, or not.

my latest picture. i hiked the highest mountain in british isles.

i'm living in the UK, it's my third year now, and you would think i have so much to talk about. so much to write, to preserve online so one day i can look back in the manner of modern reminiscing. but nope, i ain't blog no sht.

but i can promise you, dear commenter and whoever, that i am not as miserable as i sound. i have the tendency to converse with my blog as if my dog just died. i don't even own a dog. i can't. even if i could i don't think i would. because i'm not sure i could handle the clinginess. but i would love to have such company a dog can provide. such loyalty. i'd be devastated though once it's dead, so i don't think i would go down that road. i try to minimize future damage, you see. anyway. i'm okay. in fact, you can say i am happy. as much as i can be. and i have not been happier in a long time. so i'm good.

of course, there are days when life decides to tease me. because one can't live without being knocked down once in a while yeah? but i get up, and i am not bruised. at least, not more than i have been. generally though, besides not feeling anything, i will emphasize, i am happy. alhamdulillah.

a little about the aforementioned teasing: in these past three years, during my time away in this cloudy, foggy, tea-loving land, i have had severe existential crisis (first year), major homesickness (second year), and the usual stuff that's not surprising yet no less comforting to have to face.

tonight, i think i might have an addition to the teasing.

addition: i am lonely (third year).

wow. that sounds bizarre, coming from me. the last time i felt lonely, that was because i was involved in a little drama that made me feel alone. now, no drama, and i am alone. i have been for two years - about to be three. it's no big deal; i rarely feel lonely. i have always been contented in my solitude. at peace, even. i love me some peace after the said dramatic phase. some quiet will do me good.

i am not alone, alone. i have friends here. i have loved ones even though they are far. they never make me feel like we are apart. i may seem all by myself but i believe i am not.

but, i think... three years are enough to live like this.

tonight, i just noticed i feel lonely. i admitted to myself that now i am something i almost never was: lonely. and that is not a bad thing. i took a couple of minutes digesting this brand new information (it was not easy to grasp at first). i took my moments, then i resumed my life.

i am entitled to feeling lonely. i think succumbing to it only after two years, it's quite an achievement! some people wouldn't last two months. but i survived all this time, and i will survive this last few months. it is a big thing for me to feel lonely. hello, introvert and proud? but this introvert is entitled to this loneliness. i own it. lonely, and still proud.

sure, the situation could have been way more ideal, but you have what you have. you live with it.

it builds character. you come out stronger, more independent. now is the time when i am tired of being self-sufficient and i wish i could be dependent on somebody, but this is also the time when i have to fight this on my own, more than ever. it's my battles and demons. always have been, so i'm not going to tell other people to do it for me.

so how about that for how's my life now?

Not the kind of comeback I'd want

the truth is, i doubt myself a lot now. i have regrets too. i too feel what am i doing with my life, what path have i chosen for myself, how will life go for me like this. but it is not as bad as it was last year i guess, so i don't really care about having this negativity. because i thought i was getting better. how i perceive my choices was getting better, how i accept my consequences had getting better; not necessarily mean that it was i who did better at anything.

maybe i don't want to admit it, because it would be a shame if i was to be exposed as this doubtful young adult, when i was once an adolescent with conviction.

i am the type of person who builds myself on the foundation of dreams, faith and goals - that it is easy to get what i want if i just know. but it is also easy to lose my direction if i lack such destination, that i don't try at all. i don't see the point of doing so if i don't see where i will end up to be. i don't remember if i ever blogged about this, but it was bad - the way i completely lost myself. from the highest perk to rock bottom, going along with life day in and day out, but didn't actually live or wanted to see what life had got.

Money Comes With a Price

when it comes to money, i'm a bit fortunate. i'm blessed with this small ease. i have scholarship money, and money from my dad. i don't have the latter as much as i did, but i have it nonetheless. i'm lucky. luckier than people older than me. but that's maybe because i don't have financial commitment yet, and i haven't screwed up in life to pay for it.

before scholarship money, i lived on parents' money. mama, oh mama she didn't give me belanja bulanan/mingguan where i had to plan my spending or manage my saving, instead she gave me belanja harian in unfixed amount. she always asked if it's enough. she easily gave me money if i asked for it or for buying something. even then i felt privileged, because my friends had to do chores to get extra pocket money or they were expected to be thrifty with the given money.

when i was 11, i bought my first handphone; with my own money. because i so wanted a handphone i told my mom i didn't even want her to pay for it, i just wanted to have it. it took a while of convincing. i showed that i was doing well in school, and i was gonna use my bank saving, and if my life turned upside down after that lol it would be my fault and it wouldn't be her money that i wasted. i think that's the first time i used my money to buy stuff for myself. after that, it became common.

whenever i bought things which costed a lot, i tried to use my own money as much as possible. like handbags, phones, even my car...

mom still gave me daily spending for school. she still insisted on paying for my things if i went shopping. she still asked if i wanted money if i was going out. heck, she still does. even now when i'm all grown up. god why does this make me all teary. this isn't supposed to be a sad post gddmnit!

because i felt guilty, and i knew she didn't need to spend for me, sometimes i just gave her any amount when i had cash in hand. sort of like a payback. i bet it's not even close, but i did that from time to time.  she didn't want it of course. but i said it as my "hutang haritu", or i even went the extra length "mama taknak ayu dapat pahala ke" or a simple "kalau mama tak amik duit ni, haram."

i was still at school then. now of course it's my responsibility. not yet, but i am capable and i tell her if she wants me to get more, she must let me give it to her. i can't do much for you now mama, but this, i can.

the other day my mom told me she felt guilty, implied by "kesian ayu." because she never bought me stuff, so she said. she never bought me presents when i was always crowned the best student (that's only because i told you not to!) she never gave me anything for my thrice straight A's results (apa mama ni, you bought me phone for PMR, it's a surprise pulak tu!) she said "anak orang lain dapat macam-macam kalau result macam ayu. ayu kereta pun beli sendiri. kesian ayu."

it just broke my heart... i never want mama to feel that way.

so i replied, "sebab anak orang lain takde duit. ayu ada. kenapa nak guna duit mama pulak. anak orang lain pun tah-tah lagilah mak bapak tak dapat belikan, lepas tu dorang sendiri pun tak mampu nak beli. ayu patut bersyukur ada duit untuk beli barang sendiri. mama kan salu kasi ayu duit. mama kasi ayu hadiah beday pandora mahal pulak tu!"

when she gave me the pandora bracelet and jewelry set, which was also a surprise, she said it's a cumulative birthday present albeit a bit delayed. hahaha mamaa. because she hadn't given me a birthday present in a long time, she said. she's given me everything and more, why would i demand for a present on a specific day of the year?

but i understand. as a mom it's possible for her to feel that way. she just wants to make me happy. she wants to do what other parents do for their children. but the thing is ma, you're not like other parents. you don't have to be.

i've long made peace with what life could offer if it was different, or in fact if it stayed the same. i've made peace with babah not being here to spoil me like he would love to. come on, life's not that bad on most days. both mama and i know this, but sometimes it crosses our mind and it's not something wrong. i notice now mama mentions it more than she did in the past, and it's heart breaking. she thinks i deserve better and she pities me. worse, when she pities us. i'd just say, if we compare how we are with who we were, it is sad mama. but if we compare how we are now with some other people, we will feel glad. but there's nothing wrong in being sad once in a while, yes? 

just don't let it linger, that's all.

i'm usually the one who has feelings and feel sorry for mama, but i don't like it if she has feelings and feel sorry for me. because i know those feelings, they don't feel good. i'd rather mama not feel anything and let me be the feeler lols.

i'm lucky, i know. i've got so much in this life. but i wonder if i'm given all that so i can give to other people...

i know that's the point. to get is to give. but is it wrong if i feel it's too much?

i tell myself, when they ask too much of me, (maybe) that's because i'll get much in return.

people wouldn't have asked for help if they didn't need it. you're supposed to be glad for the opportunity to help others, even if you feel it's too much, even if you think they should have learnt to help themselves, even if whatever... you should be glad. you're the answer to their prayers. you're blessed and luckier. so help, because you can. as long as you can, it means you at least have it better.

that's what i tell myself.

i have to tell myself that, because it's hard. it's hard to lend a big amount of money, especially if you were told to keep it a secret from your own mom. especially if you know what she'd say if she knew. but i don't want her to feel sorry for me, i don't want her to feel bad about anything, and i don't want to dishonour a secret. but i know if i told her, if i just told her, i might not feel so bad about it. i might not feel bad about keeping a secret from my mom, and i might not feel bad about lending the money. it's between doing things for myself vs for another.

it's between making myself feel better vs making myself feel guilty later. guilty for not keeping the secret as asked of me. i still feel guilty for not telling my mom. but i know it's not necessary. i'm an adult. it's my money. i just have to suck it up and stop crying.

yes, i cry whenever it happens. because i feel so conflicted.

i'm not only conflicted about not telling my mom, but i'm conflicted about lending the money. and i need to ask my mom if i should lend it. i think it's because this time, it's my own money from my own bank account i set up myself. it's not money babah gave me in a bank account he set up for me. it's not like how it used to be. of course i love babah's money, not in a materialistic way, but in a sentimental way. it's what he left for me. i got it out of his kindness anyway so who am i not to share it with others in need? but it didn't feel this difficult even when i had no idea if i'd ever get it back. perhaps because i had no role in having it.

but this time, i got that scholarship money myself, and i saved it. i spend a lot, i splurge, i go on holidays and shopping trips, but i save. i'm pretty good at it if you ask me. sure, i know my friends could certainly save more, but hello, it's me. i'd never saved before. when i told my mom about the money i saved, she was surprised. she asked if i spend too little haha. no mama, i don't know how i feel everything is enough. it's actually more than enough if you just don't spend it on stuff.

so yes, do i wish i didn't have to lend the money? guilty.

and to think it's not even my hard-earned money! i wonder how do people who work day and night and weekend feel when all the rewards of their hard work are gone because other people decide it's a good idea to ask for a loan. i'd say you see now what's your fault? you should have worked as hard. at least, you should have tried. i knew this day would come.

but of course i don't say that.

baru sikit Allah uji. baru duit scholarship, belum salary. dah rasa susah nak bagi. aku harap dengan rasa susah ni, rasa berat hati ni, tapi aku bagi jugak, ada kebaikan untuk aku. ada berkat, ada rahmat. aku dahlah banyak dosa, aku harap Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa aku. aku harap Allah makbulkan doa-doa aku, mudahkan hidup aku, tolong aku. sebab sungguh, aku rasa susah nak tolong kalini. siap menangis bagai. drama. tapi kalau bukan aku yang tolong, siapa lagi?

aku nak tolong diri sendiri, sebab tu aku menyimpan, aku berjimat. lepas ni siapa nak tolong aku?

takpela ama... ada la tu... Allah ada...

it's hard because when i had to give the money, i was left with an amount that wasn't even enough for me to buy my flight ticket. i never waited for jpa's allowance, but at that time, i did. because i needed money. because i had given mine to somebody. yes, i have money in my saving account. but i vowed once the money goes in there, it will go out only when i'm bringing it back to malaysia. and when it's in malaysia, i won't give that part of money to other people.

what's even harder is i'll have to do it again. i guess. how could i say no. and the hardest part, i've never even given my own mom that much with this money i've got in the uk. that hit me the hardest. and i had just planned to save more for my mom, and for myself.

next year is my final year. i need to spend a lot, for stuff to bring back and to bring my mom here insyaallah. i want to spend for it, i don't mind. but i'm worried if i don't have enough, because people owe me. i sure hope they don't take long to pay me back..... i hope Allah helps them to pay me back because i'll be the one who needs help.

where is the limit that says you've done enough, you may stop? where is the line between you should always help and you shouldn't because you should help yourself? or is there none? just close your eyes, give it all and give in to God. He'll have your back. or is that not how it works?

i'm sorry. i needed to let all this out.

A New Kind of Sad (maybe an old person kind of sad)

Don't ask why i'm still not asleep.

and also, don't ask why i was looking at my blog posts from 6 years back. I just scrolled through them, not wanting to read any. I saw pictures. pictures of myself, pictures of people.

but among all pictures - like the ones when i had my dream bod loool but laughable face lololol - the pictures which evoked the most emotions were of my nephew, ikmal. or known as malmal, here, some years ago. malmal was popular on this blog :')

it has been years since i put on his photos. because he's a big boy now. he's already in school. the bigger he gets, the more different he becomes. not the chubby boy i used to gomol all the time. when he was little he was so bubbly, babbling with his ayu, now he's shy and hard to talk to. we were close. now it's hard for me to get him to talk, for anyone even. i admit i started paying less attention to him, and more to his little brothers. i feel so bad now. ayu has grown up too, apparently malmal, because ayu feels so bad for not treating you like she used to. but hey! you used to love me too!

ayu and opah always wonder what happened to you, because when you knew no word to say, you talked a lot. but now keep all your words in your mouth. is it because you were silent by kewan? is it because you have nobody at home to be your conversation buddy? ayah always complains about how you're so quiet, he must be worried. like me and opah. i have videos of you talking when you couldn't even talk you know...

now ayu gonna cry.

does ayu feel guilty? perhaps ayu should have talked to you more the few times she saw you, and should not have spent all her time playing with her new, bubbly, babbling, chubby nephews - your brothers. maybe if i did that you wouldn't have been so estranged with me... you liked me a lot you even slept with me, and cried whenever we had to part again, remember? but oh well, i didn't see you that much to make an impact did i... nonetheless maybe you would have liked it if i started some conversations with you. maybe i could - should - have done something differently.

i also feel sad, because seeing a kid's photos when they were little, and comparing it to who they are now.. so big and so different, makes me feel so sentimental... how much i loved them at that time, and now that they are big and different, i am indifferent... and somehow i think this is what my brothers must feel when they look at pictures of baby me. they used to cradle me, rock me in their arms, rush back from school to see me, talk to me on the telephone, write me letters, send me presents... they used to love me like that. 

and now, not anymore. none of that. i don't mind, honest. it's just sad, if this is what they feel every time they look at my old pictures, grin and say "you used to be cute." now we don't even talk like we must have done a long time ago. like i don't talk to ikmal anymore the way i once did. 

is it my fault too?

i've started to make efforts though... maybe that's just the way it is. and nothing is wrong with that.

but oh well, chances are they have never thought about any of this. because, well. guys.


and i should sleep.

Random Return

I SAID I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY BLOG

i didn't know i was lying :(

i couldn't imagine life without blogging then... funny how things turned out. scary too... makes you think what kind of person you are. am i gonna abandon something else when i promised not to, like i did to my blog? we'll never know.

tetiba deep.

gawd. okay instead of moaning let's just start writing about something else!

oh my god i didn't even write about the whole time i've been in the UK, about going back to malaysia, and now back in UK again... guys i am sad. help

maybe that's for next time... after i actually start writing again. now, let's start with something... random.

like, RANDOM QUESTIONS! 

(i googled what to write for an hour before i found this)

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

24. I don't even know why. there might be a reason, but unconsciously? lulul

2. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

kindness. everybody needs to be freaking kinder. when you're kind, you'll try to understand better, and if you can't, you'll at least embrace acceptance and practice tolerance. if the whole world is kind there would be no bloody war, gaddamit

3. If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be?

be trustworthy, yet don't trust just anybody. i mean yeah, with pedo case on the rise now, like, why not. it's a good advice!

4. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

i'd kill for a loved one.

5. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yes. i want to let go. but the thorns of regret and disdain, they prick my fingers, piercing my palm and now i'm stuck holding on to it. 

6. Why are you, you?

because i wouldn't want me to be any other way. okla the long answer:

i'm me because i have had strong principles since i was a kid, i don't know where that came from. i'm me because i grew up crying and wanting a different life. i'm me because i still cry at 21 but i don't wish for a different life now. i'm me because i've been hurt and the pain never really left. i'm me because i have achieved things that made me so relieved, and i have also felt so hopeless. i'm me because i have been happy to the point i feel undeserving of it and unfamiliar with it. I'm me because i've had to be the bad guy in some people's stories. i'm me because i have good common sense since i was so young, being aware of things my peers weren't. i'm me because i know myself. i'm me because i'm a potato but a perfectionist, an overachiever but a lazy-arse. i'm me because i've made mistakes and i've been wronged. i'm me because i've lost people and loved others. i'm me because i'm predday darn cool liddat.

here's a random picture

7. What are you most grateful for?

my mother.

now i wanna cry

8. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were really upset? does it matter now?

5 years ago would be... 2010. ahaha i was really upset because all my close friends left me alone for boarding school and there was a period of time when i felt friendless, i'd even excuse myself from class, go to the toilet to blink back tears aggressively lol. on top of that, we had this super dramatic drama involving a teacher, let's just leave it at that. but we were miserable, me and my new friends, for a while ha. i was sad that my boarding school friends would only excitedly talk to each other about their new school, because why would you ask how ama was doing at lembah??? same ol', same ol' right. i remember texting my primary school friend aisyah, during hari anugerah cemerlang when my friends came back for PMR prize giving ceremony. i told aisyah how secluded and ignored i felt, when i had been waiting for that day to come. but it seemed like nobody was waiting to see me. emo. but rightfully so. ku terima banyak anugerah namun apalah maknanya jika rasa tak dihargai rakan. loool. lagi satu, ada la sorang budak ni kan dia sejak masuk asrama kirim salam je nak tanya khabar taknak. aku pun makin emo.

but now... none of that matters :') this time i'm the one who left my friends for uni abroad! but i'm still alone hahaha that's alright mate i'm 5 years older. now i'm all gloriously alone. but friends still 4ever. and the new friends i made 5 years ago? they're my 5ever! budak asrama tu pulak bukan je tanya khabar, benda lain pun dia dah tanya sekarang ni. ama hepi. 

9. What is your happiest childhood memory? what makes it so special?

i don't know which, and i don't know much, but this one comes to mind. i told babah how mama pegang kuat-kuat tangan adik masa jalan. and babah told me, sebab mama sayang adik.

10. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

let everyone read everything i ever wrote, about life, loss, and love.

this feels like the first time blogging again. but i made it!

okbye see you next year LOL

Gimme A Map, A Place, or A Somebody To Be

alhamdulillah. i've finished my first year of degree :)

*stop reading if you wish to stick to the positive things*

words cannot describe how thankful i am for getting this chance. 

but what can i say? i have found everything, but i have lost myself.

what's worse than not being content with what you've got, is not being content with what you've been given when you used to want it so much.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this, which is why i feel worse. that's what people are going to say anyway. so i just keep quiet. because you don't see it for it to be real to you. or maybe it just exists to me. i make up my own unhappiness and it's all my fault.

what does this girl who has got everything have to complain?

but i am not complaining. i'm just blaming me.

i'm afraid too, that i shouldn't feel like this and i would be punished for it. maybe i am already being punished, that's why i'm feeling like this.

but the feeling is just there. it's always there. no matter how happy i get. even if sometimes i forget it.

i don't like this feeling because it will ruin everything. i know it will affect everything else if i let it. my relationships with people, not just the academic and professional aspects of life. so i don't let it. other people are not responsible for how i feel towards myself.

that is the number one rule to love others, even when you hate yourself. even when others seem to have it better.

be an adult and suck it up. while you're with others, be crazy and funny and happy.

apparently it's easy to succumb to feeling less responsible for your own feelings when you have somebody to depend on emotionally. even if you've depended on yourself all your life. suddenly you are a kid. don't do that. don't hold them accountable for what you feel. you have to be strong as though you are all you've got. don't let them be your excuse for being weak. at first instance of being weak in hope they will give you strength, kick that kid up.

be strong as if all you have is yourself. find that within you, do not look for it in anyone else. because if you don't find it in them, you'll feel they are to be blamed. YOU motivate, push, reassure YOURSELF. if you abandon yourself, it's not anyone's job to make you feel worthy again. if you're not feeling good, it's because you don't make yourself feel good. 

other people can make you happy, but they can't give happiness to you. you're your own responsibility.

this is what i told myself. but maybe it's all just talk.

i've got what i wanted, but i've lost the very thing that helped me to be here.

i was always driven. but now, i don't feel any drive.

i used to do it all for myself. i didn't even do it for my parents. because i had my own motivation, i didn't need any external force to push me. mom didn't push me the way i did. i pushed myself enough. because i aimed high enough, and i was crazy enough to think i could achieve it. now i don't have all that. only now, when nothing's left, do i understand what it means to do it just for your parents. not even for yourself.

thinking mama is praying so hard for me. mama has done so much. i should do this at least for her.

i have lost myself, that i basically only have mama.

does that make me a bad daughter, or does it mean i am just so screwed?

i'm so tired of feeling like this. it's like a hole i keep falling into. sometimes people bring me flowers, sometimes the sun shines through, but it doesn't take away the fact that i am in a hole, which in my mind, i dig myself. 

preach about it from academical or religious point of view, thank you. but of course i knew it all already. of course that's what i've been telling myself. i don't just let myself drown, you know. i tried. but the hole is too deep.

i've broken down too much i can't build anything up anymore. not even hope. it gets to the point where i feel i should talk to somebody, like i need help. real help. but that's probably just me being overdramatic. just ignore it.

i've made some attempts to change things. it did not work. but i'll try again with other things...

i want to find what i've lost. i want to find that focus again. i want to think of what i want like i used to do, and like i used to do, make it happen.

i want to feel the stress. i want to feel the struggle to get what i want. 

my problem is, i don't know what i want anymore. i've got what i wanted, now what? i thought by going with the flow, and taking life easy, that would chill me down, that would be good for me. but instead, i let myself down. it's bad for me, not being stressed out to get something. struggles, are good. it's good to have something worth fighting for. now i don't have any cause in life. no fight.

i've long known, i just don't know how...

i've told you it's petty. you should have stopped reading.

i don't know when did i become this person who is in need for self-love. i thought not letting all those things define me shows that i love myself enough in spite of not becoming what the world wants me to be. but i forgot i have my wants too, and not becoming what i want, deprives me of the self-love i once had and treasured. i used to feel i was enough. now, having people loving me, isn't even enough for me to love myself. what an irony.

i am afraid this will make me unable to love selflessly. because to love people selflessly, you have to fully love yourself first.

and i want to be easy to love. i don't want to make it hard for people who love me.

i feel useless and worthless, it actually makes me sad. i think that's why i'm so down all the time. it affects my mood to study, it affects my mood with people. i try to hide it or distract it, suppressing in any way i can but it just happens. it doesn't change the fact that i feel it.

i don't have any mark in this world. i don't have any impact in people's lives. the world and people need changing, but my existence doesn't change a thing. i could have just been a bird and it would make no difference. even birds have their functions.

is it because i didn't choose what would push me the hardest. but no. don't regret your choices. don't. i chose this and Allah chose it for me. i am the one who has to make the most out of it. at least something. it's not grand, but it will be good. i've always favoured good over grand anyway. the thing is at this rate, it's nothing.

when i feel like this, i'd like to think about The Fault in Our Stars. the guy, is something like me. he wanted to do good things in life. but instead, he was sick. and dying. and became a burden. he felt like what i feel. the only difference is he at least had a legit reason for feeling like that. i am alive and kicking. and still feel just as bad.

anyway, it got to the point where the girl had to tell him off. that him feeling useless and worthless made it seem as if she meant nothing to him when he had touched her life too. she said he might want to be a hero, but that's not his life. he got her, that's the best he could get, so suck it up. sorry it's not the world you changed, but me. something like that.

i used this a lot to help me cope.

but i still know that's fiction, thank you.

and i will still feel it anyway.

others think i could be an inspiration, where i am now. they don't know that being here, i am not inspired at all. but it's okay, oxygen will get me by.

i have this habit of making "ama emo" a thing. i say it a lot to purposely make it lose its meaning. i don't know why but it's how i deal with things when i don't want people to make me deal with it. kind of my escape word. because it happens, so you don't have to worry about it. it's just ama emo moments. it's gonna go away.

don't worry about it. i'm gonna be ok :)

Healthy Lifestyle, Not Healthy Phase!!!

i'm gonna blog about this as a reminder for myself in the future.

ama, the next time you're gonna make bad decisions with permanent, if not stubborn consequences, read this.

skip the diet. just eat healthy. you don't have to watch what you eat, just eat moderately. occasional pampering is okay.

working out is not a challenge or a phase. it's a routine. don't ever stop. be consistent even if the easiest step is all you can do.

because i have lost almost 10 kilos and i wouldn't want to get back to where i started. after i arrived in UK, i gained weight. they say it happens. once you go overseas, you'll gain weight. 5 kg. they were right. the so called period of adjustment, when it's really just a period of eat everything new! so i didn't really care, especially because i was in sheffield. i don't have to look decent on daily basis lol since i literally don't see anybody in my class. even when i did see people it's not like i wanted to impress them. i don't have friends who'd bitch about me gaining weight here since all my friends were new people. and most of all, i knew if people really care about me, they'd embrace me all the same. in the literal sense, would i not be more cuddly? 

the thoughts "so what?", "to hell with it!", and "i'm loved and lovable even when i'm chubby (lol)" comforted me. so i ate more comfort food, haha.

then the needle hit that number. man. i weighted just like i did when i was 14. it had been years since i was this heavy. and... flabby. thick and fat. this couldn't go on, it had to change.

so i made changes. and i see changes now.

some people might say i didn't have to change a thing; i was not that fat, i was only chubby, they thought i still looked pretty, when all i was was pretty chubby to me. Yeah it's not that bad, but before it got worse it gotta stop, right? I was on this heavenly and healthy diet where i didn't have to starve myself and i could eat as much as i wanted; the catch is some food are forbidden. Don't eat the forbidden food at all. Eat everything else which is allowed in generous amount. And you can drop a few pounds just like that in a week!

Some people didn't see the point of me going on diet. some even said they didn't see the effects of my new eating and exercising habit! but i don't mind. heck, i take that as a compliment. but i did mind my body. because i could see. i could see it was changing to be what i didn't like it to be. and now i can see, how different it looks and i like it. you don't see it? lol it's not for you anyway.

no amount of "you look just fine" with more compliments i didn't deserve could make me feel okay. thank you, but i'm sorry. if i don't look okay to me, it's not okay. even though it's already enough for everyone else, or somebody that matters. i see what you don't see. but of course, the kind words help to comfort, even if it doesn't convince me. hew hew. it's not that i wasn't thankful. i was. but you can't say at least i'm not obese. that'd be too late, i was already borderline overweight. i was only comparing myself to the me who was less chubby. if you say i should be thankful with how God had created me, then hell yeah i am! that is why i must take care of his creation! God did not create me loaded with fat and diseases. that was not how i was designed. He created me perfect and healthy. hence i must be.

but with regrets i announce no amount of cut down food consumption, cardio exercises or weight workout could shed off these perfectly healthy cheeks of mine. maybe they are a blessing. maybe, they are an asset. you'll never know. hik hok.

this is not mine i googled it. but it's true. i want to feel good and look good! :3

but yeah, i did this not for anybody else. for nobody but me. i need to feel good about myself. as much as i liked to eat, i also liked to be fit. i'd like to look decent. i'd like to be satisfied with how i dress, and comfortable in my clothes. i'd want to be confident with the way i carry myself. i wanted to not lose my breath when i walked uphill to my department building. i wanted to walk around and everywhere feeling light and easy. i needed stamina, not struggle. on top of everything, i needed to be healthy. i didn't feel healthy. i didn't know for sure, but i for one knew i had been healthier.

you can be young and you can eat everything, but don't think when you're old, that everything won't come back to get you. you don't even have to be old to be sick. remember that. i have family history of diseases, so i do give a dang about what i eat, not only how i look like.

i was that type of person who didn't consume much sugar, except in cooking and for occasions. i wasn't one to eat cookies or biscuits or chocolates or cakes or ice cream or anything of that sort frequently; i didn't have sweet tooth. i wouldn't know what to buy from sweet things aisle because i simply didn't consume sugary stuff. i didn't drink much air manis atau air gas either; my fav was good ol' plain water. you can never have too much plain water! and oh yes, green tea without sugar. the satisfaction of feeling healthy from the bitter tea. I ate in appropriate portion and basically limited my junk-non-real-food. now i'm becoming that person again, with new healthy habits. no regret, only feel good.

i know that's not much of a healthy lifestyle, but that's something. compared to nothing. nothing was what i did in UK at first, which by contextual definition was eat everything!!!

i know some people can eat everything and not gain a single pound. well lucky you. i'm just not that person. and i'm not the only one. so don't go around saying "urgh, you don't eat it? too bad. i eat everything nom nom." that's so insensitive of you when people have to make efforts for things you oh so effortlessly are. now imagine a genius giving you that look when you're studying and say "why would you even study? look at me, i don't even bother and still smart as ever." and imagine me saying "you have to spend a lot on skincare and cosmetics? what a waste! my skin doesn't need all that at all." that's being a prick isn't it? now you know.

some people are lucky in some ways. different people different luck and struggles. so shut up when you're lucky, and suck it up when you're not :)

now i'm sucking it up, and telling myself that this is not a phase, this is not a process, this is a routine, this is ongoing. this is a lifestyle. i have no intention to go on diet again. so i must not eat carelessly now and think i will lose what i gain later. i will not lose weight anymore because i will not gain anymore weight. i just have to eat in moderation, do my work out routine and be consistent.

and honestly, i like how i look post work out session. so radiant. kah kah kah. 

bye.

p/s: ok actually i also lost weight because i knew i would gain it back once i'm back in malaysia. people be preparing for summer body so they can flaunt it but i'm preparing for holiday body so i won't be fatter, just fat. ikr, genius.

What's Down, Ama

Hai. weird isn't it when i don't blog now, because i should have many things to blog about, being overseas and all. i'm sorry bloggy :(

it makes me sad thinking that i don't write anymore. i don't even blog like i used to. it makes me sadder to think that i might never write like i wanted to. what happened to that passionate, inspired girl? i kind of lost all the passions and inspirations i once had. for everything. somebody help me. but i know nobody has to. they can't. i can, but i can't. what happened to the dreamer? i feel like a loser on daily basis.

i feel like i slowly wither away. all of what i could have been, wilted and swept by the wind.

oh, to write about that and how i am bothered by it, would be such a good start. but i have a psychology literature review due in a few days and i haven't started doing it. have been doing research to put off doing the actual work. talk about not being passionate and inspired. do you know how much trouble i'd be in if i were to put it off any longer? 

hence i shall not.

baibai.

What a feeling

Don wanna talk about it.

Cos when talking about it doesn't help me feel any better, it makes me feel worse instead. That's bad because people want to help and you wish they could too, but sometimes they cant. It will only let you and me and everybody down.

Talking about it also makes me feel stupid. And vulnerable. And ridiculous. And typical. Which is just as bad. I blame biological factors. It's getting worse lately. Pls dont blame me.

So im gonna ignore it in front of people and not indulge in it with anyone else knowing. Build glass walls and halfway bridges. You can see but you cant come in. You can come closer but not too close.

It will pass. Im gonna be ok.

Why am i here

Oh i hate myself so much right now. I know it is a petty complain. I know i'm to be blamed. I know it's all up to me. Yet i'm still so down under. I can't bring myself up. I can't get my shit together.

I break down - it goes for both crying and not functioning. It's like i lost all the motivations i've ever had. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed with other people. It's actually that simple therefore i'm the biggest loser in the world. Only i can help myself and i can't, then nobody else can.

Where the hell did that girl go?

So Much For Maturity

I have the habit of keeping old memories. because i can't rely on my own memory storage, as it has been proven to be unreliable. i keep memories in term of physical evidence. for example: writings and images, among other things. i have vaguely named folders, sometimes using only alphabets.

and i have the habit of going back to old memories, such as tonight.

randomly, a folder titled "BT".

usually this habit evokes feelings of nostalgia, if it doesn't remind me of lessons i once learned from experiences. but tonight, it evokes guilt, and makes me realize of lessons i should learn from myself

i think this is the first time i saw something i hadn't seen before, and felt something i hadn't felt before - and it pointed at me. my fingers pointed at me. it was hard at first, but i then realized this is - a bit ironically as at the time of it happening i claimed to be the mature one - a point of maturity.

i was the mature one; i wanted direction when others wandered, i wanted purpose when others experimented, i wanted exclusivity when others - well, others did have it. but not me. "too young for commitment, too old for games." that was me. that wasn't him.

but tonight, i realized i wasn't really that mature after all! it takes more than being ready to commit to be in a relationship. i played a part as well of it not reaching that stage, and thank god it didn't. even then it was already too problematic - we just clashed on many levels despite having the connection for many years. i had my faults, just like him. although he had more. ok kidding hahahah (no). k sori.

he didn't want to talk - i bottled it up till i burst. he never answered when i asked - i assumed the worst. he was always confused - i was always frustrated. he didn't share my common sense - i shared a piece of my mind. he wanted to talk - i burst with harsh words. he couldn't change for me - i wouldn't wait for him. he said he can't be the type of guy i want - i said that's okay, don't change if i'm not worth it. he asked for time to change - i didn't dare giving. he was no longer worth of my trust - i no longer bothered trying. he wanted to try - i had tried enough. his heart was not set - mine was on fire. he didn't have devotion -  i didn't have patience.

pushing him away was the right thing to do but the way i did it was not. the worst were the words i said with disdain. that was not mature. i even felt i could be the one who's wrong. it actually made me sad reading what came out from my own mouth and imagining how it must have made him felt so bad :( it wasn't always that way, but still, saying things like he didn't care and all. i didn't curse, but i was harsh. the way i handled his immaturity proved mine. we were immature in different ways. we both weren't ready. i can pretty much justify everything i did as listed above, but not my harsh words.

bila baca balik, macam "alahai tak matangnya kau."

i was 17, and now i'm 21. 4 years of changes and i hope, of growing up.

maturity is not about how you are generally. it's about how you're mad or sad as hell but still able to keep your cool; for your, their, and heaven's sake, haha. maturity is not hurting people back when they hurt you. i know that now. i didn't know that 4 years ago.

i'm sorry for being immature. whatever you did, it didn't give me the right to be it.

Silly Rules, Boundaries, and Principles

Topik tengah malam kita pada hari ini ialah... what a lame girl with silly rules i am, a.k.a. ama tapape.

i've long known how i have a set of rules i myself deem silly at times, but when people point out to you how you're obviously a girl with boundaries (hazirah, 2015) and even a girl with principles (shafiqah, 2011), it is a bit woah moment lah kan.

if you hadn't said it, i wouldn't have noticed lol. i know i have silly rules, boundaries and principles, but i don't think i'm a girl with that all. but actually i am. and when other people can see that too, you hella are, gurl.

i thought at least people who knew this were my best friend, and um, those who have had to deal with my silly rules, boundaries and principles. but apparently, it might have come across to the larger circle as well. and i honestly don't know where the circumference or radius are. because shockingly, somebody who confessed about me on INTEC Confession mentioned something about me having boundaries too, loooooooool. of course i can't really laugh it off, because i don't know who it was. but still. i thought it wasn't obvious!

"you obviously are," said hazirah.

i think shafiqah was referring to the more general tapapeness of mine, while hazirah was referring to the more specific ones. for example, involving guy friends, and where or when it is concerned, boyfriend- um, future husband. even with family. that one she pointed out, and only then i remember how not a family girl i am. but i'm a mama's girl. so i think it's still healthy. hahahaha.

hazirah said i'm too cautious, even with those i don't have to be cautious with. hmm maybe. yes i am. for reasons i'm not even sure valid or relevant. hopefully not all that nonsensical. i'm not sure for how long i can keep this forte, but i'm gonna keep it as long as i can. "but that's boring," she added. I know. But i'm doing it for the future. And the future won't be boring. Hehe.

hazirah said that i do a lot of thinking before doing something, and asked if i ever "oh screw it, let's do it." i have been that person, especially just about a year ago, and that got me in troubles. but i must admit, a decision i made in that yolo phase was worth it. that was a phase when i felt both frustrated and freed, that i became another person. it wasn't really... me. i miss that freedom, but now i admit it was also out of frustration. i'm back to being me. what to do, overthinker by nature.

hazirah said (yes this post is dedicated to what hazirah said about me tonight) don't i ever think of giving in to something i won't do (no matter how i want to do it if i'm in that yolo state of mind) just for the sake of giving my brain a break. then i don't have to think about it anymore, i'm done, i can chill. but ah, what i do or do not do, is to prevent further overthinking in the future. i might not mess up my mind for a while, but after that, the consequences will clutter my brain all the same (well unless i go full yolo, in which case i don't have to think about it ever again.)

i am going with it

hazirah said that she had second thoughts about me haha and she thought i was "cool to live by rules" and "smart to set limits", but i have to make sure that the subjects can keep up. so there's no misunderstanding. she also said i set boundaries so things i have already imagined wouldn't happen. that's the point! it might seem tapape, but i'm just prepared. i'm preparing myself for all possibilities. even the worst case scenarios, god forbids. it's not that i don't want it. but gurl gotta be realistic too.

hazirah even said... if one thinks i'm tapape, they will ditch me and my rules. but i think it's quite the opposite. i think they will bear with me and my rules, despite me being tapape. because it's all included in the package. you can't have ama without the tapapeness. such as hazirah herself. she doesn't ditch me. and she does think i am tapape. maybe that's because my boundaries and principles don't apply to her, hmm. oh who cares, i know they love me anyway, i hope they always will. I'm a lucky girl :')

so i just want to say sorry to anyone who has ever dealt with my silly rules, or who has to listen to me rambling or reading my blog post about it which doesn't make sense as usual - that's just me. please bear with it for a while :')

and i want to thank you for respecting and accepting it, even if you don't understand why.

maybe one day you will ;)

When feeling bad is good

Suddenly i feel bad, but maybe i should. I'm not doing what i should be doing here in uk. I'm a scholar and a scholar shouldn't be a lazyass. I'm already here. Allah has given me everything, i have left my mom for this, people have paid for my studies... And what have i been doing all this time? I'm so ashamed of myself. If only the world knew they'd say i don't deserve it. I never overestimate myself or undermine anything, this is just how i am :'( Sedih sangat... Bila rasa bersyukur tu memang tak pernah habis tapi gaya macam tak bersyukur langsung. Thank you for giving me a wake up call without you knowing. Even though rasa macam ditampar hahaha. That's my conscience, see. The pits of being guilty. If i feel it, i feel it, nobody has to blame me. All it takes is something seemingly small or even unintended, to be said. To bring out the guilt in me. Or maybe it depends on who saying it since this never happened before, i don't know. How long will this epiphany stay, i have no idea. But it feels bad, and it's good :(

The Year I Made It - 2014 :)

2014 has been... one heck of a year.

the first three quarter of the year, if you told me of the things that would happen in the last quarter of 2014 and that i would be sitting here typing this in Sheffield, i would say "jangan memain boleh tak?"

because everything else was going wrong, i would have troubles believing things would be going right. alhamdulillah :)

my previous post was supposed to be followed by another post in which i would talk about bad memories, which often make good stories. yes, it's all in the past but i'd just have to write it down, maybe to give it its final rest or otherwise it kept floating in my head and giving me reasons to be sad when i shouldn't be. yes, i am guilty of thinking about it even when i'm in the better part of the year. i am sad abut the past, and i am happy now. but i couldn't help thinking about what had happened, i don't know why. it was really bothering me. that i'd shed a tear. or two.

but now, this very second, i'm not there anymore. so why should i talk about the bad things? when there are good things i can talk about. or can't talk about. or won't. wink, haha.

even with the worse three quarter of the year, i still have troubles accepting the better quarter. keep telling myself just be happy now ama, before your happiness is taken away again for whatever reason nauzubillah... :( it's not like i'm in a state where everything is oh so perfect and i super love my life and i'm the happiest i've ever been and oh life is at its best~ but in a way, in MY way, life's good. i'm good :) alhamdulillah.

i lost some, but i learnt so much. i gained enough, and i got what i wanted :) to list it all, oh my... 

is it possible?

ok let's try. let's list it down, in an ambiguous way so people can't really figure out what i'm talking about, as always. shall we? haha!

1. aku freaking fly weh. can you believe that? i still can't. dream uni, dream course. childhood dreams. against all odds. bailed mrsm, stayed in lembah, intec almost killed me academically and personally that i considered to bail last year and couldn't wait to leave this year. felt like i flunked - passed. didn't pass uni requirement - got accepted. weh.

2. don't trust people anymore. cukup siapa ada sekarang. insyaallah sentiasa ada. nobody to find, no friend to make. nothing's wrong with that. i've found the people and make the friends i cherish. that is enough. life is complete. unless i happen to do so along the way which is okay, i'm just not desperate to discover new individuals, open up, and be disappointed again.

3. i spent the first half of 2014 being unhappy. i didn't go out, i didn't eat properly, i lost weight (which was good, but i gained it again, also because i wasn't happy)(when essential things in life fail to make you happy, you seek false sense of happiness in other things instead - good food, surplus of clothes)(i spent every friday in the two months of exam going to the office to collect my online shopping items and secret recipe afterwards, studying and eating alone for the whole day), i cried in class, in my house, at the kerusi, to my mom, to the ground. god, ama. i'm not one to feel lonely even when i'm alone. so something must have happened to make me feel alone even when surrounded by people. it takes much to make me say i'm lonely, and i was.

4. you don't know who cares about you, and guess what? they don't know that you care about them too! unless you bloody tell them! i've made this mistake a couple of times this year... years. didn't you know? i'm the best at showing i couldn't care less. but this time it cost more than i ever thought it could. you both didn't know that you were thinking of each other, that you both were stealing glances, and wanted to talk... this is a mistake of all sides, too discouraged or too ego, and how would we even know? but if i said or did anything earlier... it would have been better. we were young and stupid and wrong :(

5. talk. talk it out. i've always wanted to talk about things. so i'm just telling everyone out there that... YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT. whatever that has been bothering you, or the things you've been keeping inside. i wanted to talk about something once, but i was denied the chance. then when things got worse, i didn't feel like talking anymore. i just stayed silent. till the end. because the things that were there to talk about? had mounted and was already too much to handle.

6. stay the hell out of other people's business, thank you. even if you mean it well. well, thanks, but i repeat, stay the hell away.

7. oooh, the truth always comes out. always. it's just a matter of time. too bad for me, much of the truth i found out right before i started my alevel exam. couldn't have had a better timing, eh? so next time if you want to talk shit about others, or tell bullshits to others, or do shitty things you aren't supposed to do, think about that. okay? :)

8. i'm getting bitter here. hahaha. don't be bitter! i was bitter for a while. because i didn't want to get hurt any longer. if you're sensitive, you get hurt. if you're cold, you hurt others. what will you choose? i've been both. in the end, i'd say being soft is better than being harsh. being warm is better than being cold. and being sweet is better than being better. you've just gotta find the right balance, and build a strong defense rather than use a defense mechanism that hurts others in return.

9. you are alone in your life. face it. you will always be alone in the end. brace it. embrace it.

10. i was once in a position which i was attacked, by being said i was the one attacking, ha ha. but what did i do? i defended the person. i justified for them. i tried to understand their position. and i was the one losing my temper? :') probably because i was too shocked i couldn't even be angered, i just sat there staring straight ahead and wondered "why me?" so i say, keep a cool head, even when people say you're hot-headed :)

11. i learn to act cool oh so coolly! i mean, act cool. not that i could act in a cool way. still, i gave myself a pat on the back for having such a talent i didn't know i had. to face the world when all i wanted was hide, to smile when the day before i had cried, to talk nicely even when i knew what you talked about me. no, it's not being fake. it's being polite. it's not being hypocrite, it's being mature. we put the unnecessary behind us, and focus on the necessary before us. such as the exam.

12. not everybody are like you. upon knowing this, you still don't have to be like them. for example: you don't talk about people because you thought they wouldn't talk about you, but they did? don't talk about them still! i knew that not everybody will like me, i learnt that years ago. but to know that people don't hold the same values as i do, it's something new :(

13. some losses are gains. if it was good, it would have stayed.

14. friendships with unexpected people at unexpected times. although i had to treat it as a secret as if it was a scandal. the one when it was a guy friend, understandable. but the girl friend? hahahah, as if she was my girl-friend! she was one of the very few friends i felt i had left. and him, too. so i had two friends i treasured, but i couldn't be seen with them. because somebody(s) would get jealous, and i was always the one trying not to get anybody hurt.

15. but i still got people hurt, and that was unavoidable... inevitable :( sometimes, there is no other way... and i feel bad to this day. to all that i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. i'm so sorry. 

16. you can't control what happens, but you can control how you dress. one day after something happened, i really didn't want to go to class. the whole night i've been saying how would i go to class in this situation :( but the next morning, i got the answer. my friend who knew what was happening was surprised to see me. "pergh, ama!" i was wearing a dress and a shawl, didn't look like someone who just cried a couple of hours earlier. "kita takleh kawal apa jadi kat kita, tapi kita boleh kawal kita pakai apa." i felt a sense of power, when the truth was everything else made me feel powerless inside. you might feel your worst, but make sure you look your best :)

17. i still believe people have good intentions, even if they do bad things. it's what they do that is bad, they are not. but you know what? that's not a good enough excuse. you still did what you know you shouldn't have done, and that hurts others. i know that now. so i won't do that to other people too.

18. despite it all, i'm glad that i have a couple of underground friends, if you will. the world doesn't really know we're friends, but they know about my world and i theirs. at least, know enough. i like that, you know. there might not be cool pictures and posts of us hanging out at cool places talking about cool things, there doesn't need to be. i know we're cool enough. and of course, i thank god for the couple of friends who were always there for me at my lowest. i know i shouldn't burden them, so i tried to survive on my own. but they were still there for me. thinking of them now can give me teary eyes out of gratitude.

19. you have to be able to be happy for people when you're unhappy, and be sad about others when you're sad about yourself. i could do that, but somehow i purposely didn't... i did the right thing when i was still in intec. i retreated, i hid, i didn't tell anybody anything, i didn't feel like talking, but once somebody needed to talk to me, i'd go out of my hiding. i'd be there. but after i left intec, i really shut in and shut everybody out. i only maintained contact with a couple of people: somebody whom i thought might be the only who actually really cared about me and showed it, and somebody who needed me to be his wingwoman lol. i didn't talk to my best friend, let alone other friends. it was not that i blamed the whole human race for what happened to me, it was just i couldn't be bothered. i was tired of people in general. they exhausted me. that was so inappropriate of me when they tried to reach me...

20. I learn that it is better to have 1 person who loves you for who you really are, than 100 people pretending they do, even when the other 100 think you're not worth loving without knowing the real you. Despite everything, i'm very lucky to have some people in my life. Very few to trust, but more than enough. I forgot how sweet some souls are to me because i was too focus on how bitter hearts can be. I'm sorry. Should have just treasured what has lasted for years :)

21. bear.

21 for the age i'm going to be in 2015! weehooo!!!

of course there are more, but these are some that i can think of right now. others can be found in previous posts, fb statuses, insta caption, right before sleeping and perhaps in the toilet. hmm.

but always, always the same thing year after year is... alhamdulillah for everything ya Allah.

when things are going bad, it's too much for me to bear. when things are going good, it's more than i ever deserve. either way You always, always listen, and are always, always there, and so generous and forgiving, thanks ya Allah.

thank you for 2014, the worst and the best year, for all the experiences and lessons, good and bad. the bitter makes the good much sweeter, and the good makes the bad seem worth it :)

last year i wrote in The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013;

2013 was not a good year for me. I wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

i can say i am happy now, alhamdulillah. too afraid to say i'm happy. but may it last, insyaallah.

i'm sorry to the ones i have hurt, may Allah help you to forgive me. to those who have helped me, may Allah bless you :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR UK! FIREWORKS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AS I'M ENDING THIS POST. PERFECT TIMING!

Hello, 2015 :)

Dates To Forget

ctrl + click, click, click



14.1.2014

i make myself alone before people make me feel lonely.


23.1.2014

Solitary is better than isolation. At least you choose it. Even when your choice is the only option left.


20.2.2014

"Things change. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here."

Spare your care, save your tears. Know your place and nothing will go to waste. Know your place.


18.4.2014

today might not be like how you'd like it to be, but one day it may become a memory. so wake up, move along, carry on.


19.4.2014

Nobody knows what happens behind close doors.


21.4.2014

if you ask me now what do i really want? to just get it done and get out of here. leave this place, so long everyone else. it's easy to leave when there's much to heal and not much to miss

everyone was happy, and then there's me.

"ama, you lose one, you gain one." i know. but i dont like to lose things... or people. not like this at least. not for this reason.

keeping things inside is exhausting. appearing okay is not effortless.

i'm sorry if things are not okay. maybe some things aren't meant to be okay the way we hoped it would.

i always said bad times and places are bearable with good friends. then Allah wants to teach me a lesson. i learn that friends are a variable more unstable than i thought it was. your constant is always going to be only you, and God. remember this, before He reminds you through a test when nothing else is left. except Him.

when i was alone then, it's a choice. now, it's forced.

21.4.2014

Where i feel the most friendless is also where i experience friendship the deepest.


22.4.2014

i'll never forget the smirk on your face and the words you spit when insults were disguised as advice.


24.4.2014

i thought i knew people. i thought people knew me. it turns out we we wrong about each other.

God gives me tests when i'm about to sit for the most crucial exam. i dont want to think about things but i have to. what do i want? to just get it done and get out of here.


24.4.2014

God is testing me with trivial matters with temporary consequences when an important exam with permanent results is approaching.

But i believe in barakah. So everything is essential and i can't escape anything.


25.4.2014

When husnudzon is returned with hypocrisy. Patience is returned with pretense. Trust is returned with treachery.

We turn to Allah.

The moment when you can't even speak your prayers, you just feel it. You realize you're not even praying, but thinking of The All-Knowing. Because at that moment that's all you can do, and in the end He's all you have.


26.4.2014

when something happens to me, i think of anything i did to deserve it. if i deserve it, i pray to god to help the people i wronged to forgive me. but if i don't deserve it, i pray to god to help me forgive them.

when people hurt me, i keep justifying for them, reasoning their mistake, when they easily judge me for a mistake they easily believe to be mine. why? maybe denying is better than doubting. maybe the truth hurts and excuses give more comfort.


26.4.2014

ok enough. dry your tears, numb your fears, deafen your ears. keep your heart in a box, put your head in the game. get your shit together. what hurts now is nothing compared to what will hurt later.

"no matter how you feel, GET UP, DRESS UP, SHOW UP and never give up." be cool and look okay. cos baby, that's my forte.


30.4.2014

Falling out of place in the end is worse than feeling out of place in the beginning.

I've locked it in, and i won't let it out. Break down, then chin up. Because once you put on a mask, it's an easy task.


9.5.2014

just because i don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't trouble me. i just don't tell people things, let alone talk about people, to other people.

9.5.2014

Remind me why did i bother when i already knew nobody did?

Pretending to care is better than appearing not to give a shit. It's not an act. It's only tact.

At least have some decency to show acknowledgement even when we don't feel any appreciation, even if we really couldn't care less.

13.5.2014

a friend who is friend with you halfheartedly is better than a friend who is two-faced.


17.5.2014

the first time it happened i literally packed my bags and left. this time is not as brutal, but the betrayal i felt, my god, the betrayal.


22.5.2014

can i tell my best friend but i wont say names
nope
can i tell my mom but i wont say names
nope
ok i guess i'll take it to my grave.

thats how i deal with people's secrets, especially the serious ones.

to outsiders what should be done might be obvious but to one involved, not so much. because often things are more complicated than they seem and there's so much more to it than you know. so when someone tells you something, you have no right to tell other people about it. even if you mean it well. you dont know what damage you'll cause, whose heart you'll hurt.


24.5.2014

Telling people about your problems with other people doesn't validate your side of the story and doesn't victimize yourself. If anything, it tells them more about you than the people you talk about.

Expressing your emotions and backbiting are two different things.


25.5.2014

i wouldn't trust anyone who tells me other people's secrets.

yeah it's interesting to listen to, but should you be telling me this?

if they tell you the super top secrets of other people, why would you think you're any exception?


25.5.2014

from as far as you can remember, you've always known not to easily trust anybody.

but then sometimes you think oh it's actually nice letting people in, opening up, it feels good to have somebody to trust. there must be some exception!

nope. there hardly is any.

but it's the same cycle. don't trust. trust. oh shouldn't have trusted. never trust again. but maybe it's ok to trust this time. oops i did it again.

uh it never ends. but now it must.


26.5.2014

i am all lost and i lost it all.


3.6.2014

I say it's my choice - i choose the only choice i have.


5.6.2014

if i were you i wouldn't easily believe everything people tell me. this is not bersangka buruk that they are lying, this is bersangka baik that there's a misunderstanding. how can you judge anything without being the one facing it, feeling it, or at least listening to every side, knowing the whole story?


5.6.2014

it's not the thing that was done. it's the trust that was broken. the betrayal felt.


5.6.2014

when you don't belong, you will be lost. you want to be lost.


5.6.2014

i thought i was already numb. but i still succumbed.


5.6.2014

you're dealing with somebody who took at least 5 years before calling a girl her best friend and would want to be with a guy for at least 7 years before marrying him.

i don't throw labels around. at least not easily. because labels are misleading. because labels don't always stay true to the meaning. because labels aren't permanent. what i call you is not as important as what i feel for you. what i don't declare doesn't invalidate how i act and what i do. we know what we know and ain't that enough? of course, with commitment and consistency if not certainty? all these labels are what usually cause a mess in the first place. even without it, things are messy enough.

nobody owns me and i don't own anybody. not even my best friend. so you are free, as i sure should be. we all can be friend with anybody, we all can be with anybody, we all can be anybody. and we all can also not be what we used to be.


6.6.2014

I retreat, i hide, i don't tell anybody anything, i don't feel like talking, but i realize once somebody needs to talk to me, that's when i'll go out of my hiding. I'll be there.


6.6.2014

i usually don't tell people what happens between me and other people. break my heart? betray me? bitch about me? lie to me? lie about me?

i could, as venting. i should, as warning. but i wouldn't. for many reasons.

i think i might deserve it. i feel i am the bad guy. it might be my fault. i make excuses for them. i justify for them. i take it as a lesson. i myself make mistakes so i won't make a fuss about the mistakes of others. i feel guilty to talk about them. i'm worried if i end up backbiting them. and above all else, i assume they wouldn't do the same thing to me.

how disappointing, how sad, and how heart-and-trust-breaking to know that i was wrong.


6.6.2014

Choosing to be alone is better than being forced to feel alone.

16.6.2014

I've always been someone who treasures good times to make good memories. I even become sentimental as the memories are being made, at the time it's happening because reminiscing it is something i anticipate.

But i know life ain't always about the good things. Whenever i realize this, that i don't belong to a moment or a place, i tell myself "maybe i've had enough in the past, or i'll have more in the future. it's other people's turn and i have mine. just not now, not here."

It's not always easy, but i tell myself it's okay. Just make the best of what i have left.


27.6.2014

You thought you know people and people know you, untill stories from all sides start spilling. then there's some who think they know enough when they don't at all, just because they know you virtually, or the version of you with the wall.

That person you say with emotional issues? There's more they keep inside than what they show, you don't know their lives so stop saying you know their flaw. That person you see with attitude problem? They're the ones who love the most, the most honest in their harshness, you don't see their heart but it is the softest.

Even if you know people, you don't really know them, and they you. In this case, i'd rather have emotional issues than a rotten heart, and a friend with attitude problem than one with two-faced pretense.


13.7.2014

it's better to be the bad guy. because it's easier to deal with what you do than to wonder how could this happen to you. it's harder to be hurt.

let me do the hurting because i don't want to be the victim. let me be the bad guy because i don't want to be victimized.

but apparently, plot twists shock even the 'antagonist'.

i wouldn't do that to you, why did you do that to me?

i just feel so hurt and betrayed. these were the ones i trusted.

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