Love For Words

sometimes i chill on my bed cross-legged besides the window, pillows propped against my back and on my lap, the wind gently blowing, the moon beaming, the sound of machines disappearing as the night gets darker, and the music of the nature plays in the background as humans dream deeper, i choose to seek comfort in the beauty of words and soothing sentences. but novels and fictions are not what i long for, instead i caress quotes and poems, simple lines and sincere writings, of another soul who finds solace in the same way.

people who fascinate me are not the geniuses in science or the masters of numbers, but the creators of something carved on nothingness. the ones who paint abstract imagination, splash the canvas with coloured moods, give shape to messy ideas, straighten knotted thoughts, give birth to new characters, tell an unheard story, compose and unsung melody, write from the heart. do you know how hard it is to come up with something no soul has come up with? this is not a matter of comprehending complex theories of the universe, but creating a world out of the universe inside us.

you have no idea how much i love writers and how much i love to write. how i fall in love with words and sentences. how i fall in love with those who construct them with care and synchronize them with soul.

on nights like this, my tumblr is filled with texts rather than pictures. tonight i give my blog a glance of what my tumblr looks like, by sharing just a lil bit of what has occupied me in my own world, letting the one outside pass by and the time fly. disclaimer before anything else, i didn't write anything after the line below, they belong to their respective owners.

p/s: on my tumblr i write what i can not write here :)

my favourite spot :)

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“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”

“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.”

"Dear future husband,

I wonder if I ever cross your mind. I wonder if you ever think that one day, those pellucid, playful eyes of yours will see me walking down the aisle, my beaming face framed by a veil as white as snow. I wonder if you ever think that your wife, the one person you will share the rest of your lifetime with, is nestled on her bed this very moment, laptop perched on her legs, its keyboard producing clicking sounds as her fingers typed on it relentlessly.

It’s crazy to think you’re somewhere out there, walking on the same asphalted streets I walked on, driving through the familiar boulevards I come across, going through the same cashiers whenever you purchase groceries for dinner. One look and our eyes could have met. One brush of the elbows and we would have exchanged apologies.

Maybe we already met. Maybe we know each other’s names, not interested in each other yet to consider a relationship that’s both adorable and playful all at the same time. Maybe if I saw you in a new light, one where I could see the future we could have, I could step out of the comfort zone and smile at you. A part of me wants that, the impulsive, impatient, crazy part of me who can’t wait to hold your hand, to tiptoe just so I can kiss you, to feel your arm on my shoulder, to wake up and see the person I love so dearly.

Yet, I know I should wait. I know God is conceiving our story, from that time-stopping moment when our eyes would meet to the rapturous day we exchange our vows in front of Him. I know everything is placed gently in the right time, a rhythmic outline of two hearts intertwined, two souls finally coming together in a cosmic play of fate. So I will wait and continue on waiting. I know I will meet you someday. And when I do, when I write words overflowing with love so potent and so electric, when I look into your eyes as I walk down the aisle, I know that the time is right. Please wait for me too.

See you in the future.

Love,

your impatient future wife."

“If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.”

“Writers write about failed loves for a while; it makes for good reading.

But eventually the words die, along with any love left.

when a writer stops writing about you, you are essentially dead.

That’s why writers are the greatest lovers.

You were loved until the very last line.”

“Do you ever think about all the people who you might have fallen in love with if only you’d taken a different way home or stood a little longer in the bread aisle at the supermarket? All the people who might have been an integral part of your life but instead you’ll never know them. The unimaginable impact that our mundane choices have on our lives really gets to me. Think of how many times I might have died if I’d made different choices. Maybe I’d be homeless. Maybe I’d be famous. Maybe I’d be rich. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the impact of my choices that I can’t choose anything at all because I’m afraid today will be the day that I make the choice that changes everything.”

“What you are is a complicated girl with simple needs. You need your books and time to read, and you need a few friends and you need someone-not to take care of you, but to care for you. If you have all those things, you’ll always be alright.”

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”

"I’m in love with her.

Not the “Oh she’s gorgeous, I’d like to be with her.”

or the “Hey, she’s popular, I think knowing her would be good for me.”

or other forms of infatuation and self-serving love.

I love her purely.

I love her for her words, her laughs, her smiles.

The way her voice resonates in my ears.

The way her sadness echoes in my heart.

The way her eyes reveal a profound beauty I’ve never seen before.

The conversations, always short and always sweet,

never seem as lively and wonderful as with any but she.

Her spirit has invaded mine, taken over mine,

it holds me tightly in such a way that I would do anything in my power for her.

I love her for the way she is. Not what she could be. 

I love her because with her I can learn what it is to be a good man, a good person. 

To know her is to know the goodness in life, and the beauty of purity.

To know her is to know the sadness in life, and the weight of the world.

To know her is to know myself, what I am not, and what I have to learn.

To know her is to know love, the selfless love that exists not to serve, not to be served, but to be. To be two as one beings living as a musical piece;

with its occasional clashes, but always leading to harmony.

A shame that she is another’s."

"It started with silence, you see.

Everyone thinks you fall in love in extremes—the loud explosions of fireworks when you fall hard and fast, the liquid notes of violins when it’s slow and gradual. There are the in betweeners though. Those who fall in constants, confused and unsure of where the steady stream of emotions are taking them. Those who fall in love like breathing, traipsing with the inhales and exhales of their lungs. Those who fall in love with the nuances of a single glance or that subtle touch. Those who fall in love with the regularity of their beating heart, sensing the strength and virility between each thump. I was one of them.

It started with silence, you see. There were no words said, no promises uttered, no whirlwind romance or patient waiting. It was the shared, companionable silence that changed my world. They said it was neither romantic nor passionate but it was my love, and I didn’t really care."

“He asked, “What makes a writer?” “Well,” I said, “it’s simple. You either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.”

“Aren’t we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that they’ll tell us that we make sense?”

"I want a connection—a deep and lasting connection; a string that binds and grips and refuses to let go. I want to talk about books and falling in love with fictional characters and the scars I’ve accummulated from an author’s ink. I want to discuss Neruda over coffee and the significance of one thing when we take away its opposite other in John Green’s The Fault and the inequality in literature over race or sex or gender orientation. I want to talk about metaphors and avoiding two dimensional characters and better breaks between poems. I’m tired of small talks and ‘how are yous’ and the ‘weather looks good today’. Of course the weather looks good today. We’re in goddamn California.

I’m just tired of people who laugh at the void, as if life was nothing but a badly spun joke. I’m so exhausted of people who talk too much about nothing at all, as if the universe was held together by senseless words in lieu of gravity and temperamental souls."

“The scars healed over into poems.”

"She was too infatuated with misery."

"Dear future husband,

I love you. I love you so much that my heart is exploding in paroxysms of affection, of respect and of trust. I know I have no idea who you are and what you’re dreaming about and the words written on the pages of your favorite books. I don’t know whether you like ketchup on your french fries or if you can sleep with the lights on. But I know I love you, the way I know that the sun will rise in the morning and the waves will kiss the sunburned shores.

I love your laughter, your silly, little grin and the creases that form near your eyes when you smile. I love your sadness, your tears and the moments when you feel like watching documentaries (or whatever it is that you feel like watching) alone. I love your fears and your dreams and your aspirations. I love your mistakes and your past and the flaws you are running away from. I love you, wherever you are, whoever you may be. I love you because I married you, because I believe in God’s promises, because I believe in you.

I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait for the day you open a box filled with printed letters; letters written for the man who reminds me of God’s love. Know that I am always praying for you, with the hopes that, even if we haven’t met yet, my prayers have kept you safe.

See you in the future.

Love,

Your future wife"

"Don’t say you love me when you don’t know the songs I play on repeat when the skies are washed with hues of grey and I feel nothing. Don’t say you love me when your fingers haven’t skimmed the barest edges of my body’s scars and irregularities. Don’t say you love me when you have only seen me laugh, when you have not seen me weep or mutter a string of profanities without so much as a blink. Don’t say you love me when you don’t know the food I crave at 2 a.m. or the images that haunt me in my dreams. Don’t say you love me when you have only glimpsed the surface, when you have no idea about the abyss that lurks underneath."

“Directly, or indirectly, everything we write is for someone.”

“If every person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary - the world really would be a better place. And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.”

“So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”

"Dear future husband,

Watching wedding videos have always been one of my favorite ways to squander time. It is an overnight cure for when the thought of love no longer makes me swoon, for when I am starting to become skeptical of happily ever afters. The satisfaction of seeing people utter their vows to one another courses through my bones, like snow white doves fleeing the frigid barbs of their cage.

I taste happiness on my tongue, and feel the hope traipse along the sinew of my limbs because it can happen to me. It can happen to us. It can happen someday. It can happen. It will happen. 

On days when my mind wanders more freely, I think about you a lot. I wonder whether you would love my choice of colors, or the flowers I will carry on the bouquet, or the food we will serve to our family and friends. I think about how you will look in a suit, and whether you’d laugh or cry or both after you see me walking down the aisle for the first time. I think about the seconds when I’m seeing you beneath the veil, and I’m hearing you say your vows out loud, and I’m thinking this is it, this is it. This is forever.

I don’t know how we’ll meet. I don’t even know what you look like yet. But I do know this, knowing you’re out there, somewhere, gives me hope. Right now, that is enough.

See you in the future.

Love,

your future wife"

“As I mature I realize that I talk to myself more, I correct my own mistakes, I follow my own advice. Less people are around and that has allowed me to connect with myself. I’ve become one of my own best friends.”

“It’s wonderful to look back at our old writing and cringe. It simply means we have grown and can write better now. And you found some parts you can be proud of, so when you throw the old writing on the floor and stomp on it, remember to celebrate those seeds of genius and be glad that you’re still writing.”

“I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints, we’d only find yours.”

“I just wait because I think people will find me. And I’m not the kind of person who will knock on somebody’s door. I wait. If they’re good for me, they will come towards me.”

“We are the generation of nostalgia. We grew up in the age of transition. From hand-written letters to electronic mails. From film to digital. We were fascinated by new things, neglecting the way we spend our afternoons. Cupcakes and tea. Play-Doh and Polly Pockets. Young and naive. Technology completely changed the way we waited and we grew up too fast. The simple things in life seems more meaningful now. We grew up in the age of transition and have become the generation of nostalgia.”

“You just like the idea of me. You like the person I present myself under circumstances that I can control. I choose what I say and how I say things. It’s like being attracted to a fictional character in a book. They are scripted and made up. If you think about it, through writings, we all script and make ourselves up. I don’t share the person I become when I am upset. I don’t show you how I look like when I sleep. I don’t tell you about all the times I’ve made someone cry. All the guilty things I’ve done and the bad thoughts I’ve had.”

"Every frequency of light,

Becomes more intense, 

Every step feels lighter,

When you are on my mind.

The sun feels warmer,

Air tastes fresher.

Each passing second

Filled with waves of passion,

That I want to share with you.

But for now, I wait for you,

I wait for you

To come into my life."

“What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music…. And people flock around the poet and say: ‘Sing again soon’ - that is, ‘May new sufferings torment your soul but your lips be fashioned as before, for the cry would only frighten us, but the music, that is blissful.”

“May the space between where I am and where I want to be inspire me.”

“Life is sweet - even in sorrow”

“Don’t give up, okay? I know you’ve been hurt, I know how it feels. Believe me, I do. But the feeling will pass. The tears will stop falling. Your heart will heal itself. I promise you it will, so hold on. Don’t let go, don’t lose hope because I promise you’ll find someone who will treat you right the way he never did. Someone who will never ever leave you, the way he did. He’ll be worth the wait, so hang in there because I love you and I want you to be happy.”

"Her words disappeared in the

chasm of thoughts and feeling,

when only the wind chimes 

could hear her lips and heart laughing.

She drew comfort from paper

and sanity from ink, reviving her soul

until she couldn’t help but sink.

Sinking into tales and epics of faraway lands, 

of princes and princesses, wizards and ordinary men,

Of teenage boys and teenage girls

finding friendship and falling stars above,

and the enthralling constants of hope, life and love.

Pages after pages, she realized one thing:

she lived her life in fantasies she could only hope were real.

Until of course, he came."

they - the published authors and unknown writers - inspire me :)

Marriage Matters

i don't want to get married just to get married.

i live with adults. so i know adult's lives. i have seen adults do things out of love and do things just because, and they are different. i don't want to get married with some guy just because people get married, i'm passed my child bearing age, or i'm afraid to die an old maid. i don't want to stay married just because it's my responsibility once i'm committed to somebody, i don't want people to talk, or for the sake of my children. those are the right reasons. but i want to do it because i want to. not because i have to.

it's sad, to see someone who deserves better ends up with someone like that.

some couples are against public display of affection, but one would know when there's nothing there to be displayed. some don't have to be all romantic to show that they are a loving couple, but we can see how good friends they are just by the way they talk. and being good friends in a relationship is good enough. i can't imagine how lonely it is if you don't even talk that way with your spouse. let alone do other things together. but who am i to say right?

some people don't love because they do, they love because they are used to. bukan cinta, tapi sayang. this is jiwang but yes, i wish to love my husband in that i-am-in-love-with-you-just-because way, not i-love-you-because-you're-my-husband way.

i want to be married like them.

one celebrity couple i've always adored is Vanidah Imran and Rashidi Ishak. i loved looking at them when i was a lil girl, i barely understood what love was. i barely understand now... i actually hope they will stay together, not be another couple who gets a divorce. they look perfect together, don't you think? there's something about them that makes me think "ni jodoh ni." entahlah, mungkin muka serasi. tak sama, tapi serasi. orang tua-tua kata jodoh panjang. mungkin jugak cara dorang. taktaulah. tapi comel sangat dedua! let me tell you their love story so we can all scream "SO SWEET!" together yeah?

kali pertama vee nampak shidi masa shidi tengah drive datang set. time tu dia tercakap "aku rasa macam aku nak/akan kahwin dengan mamat ni", something like that. dia pun taktau kenapa, tetiba je. bukan dia suka ke apa. pastu masa diorang tengah berlakon sama vee terpegang shidi pastu dia rasa cam ada current. electric shock gituw. terus memalu tak pasal, tak pernah jadi camtu. dua minggu kemudian, jeng jeng jeng... she said yes! bapak cepat gila kannn. the best part is, shidi ajak kawen camtu je. takde cakap suka takde apa. sembang biasa, pastu jom kawen? vee pun "ok." boom! married. but before that dah sembang pasal masa depan semua la. shidi pun ada kasi hint sikit. dia cakap dia dapat satu hadiah, tapi tak tau nak bukak ke tak. vee cakap bukak je la? tapi banyak layer, kena peel sesatu. kemain metafora haha. so dari situ vee dah tau. 

how could she accept him so easily? vee wasn't even thinking, she just said yes straightaway. bila dah balik rumah semua baru rasa aku ni biar betul nak kahwin dengan orang baru kenal dua minggu? she said maybe because she never felt anything like that. rasa tu dalam. pehh. and how could he propose to someone he just met? shidi said dia adala selidik sikit. masa sembang tu, lol. cukup selidik la tu. time tu dia fikir dia taknak terlepas je. dia cakap memang dua minggu tu tiap malam dia doa kalau tu jodoh dia :')

to this day you can see how they are still in love. vee said and i quote "kalau abang takde, dunia saya berhenti kot." aww :"")
i guess they are just lucky. many people who rush into a wedding rush out of it just as quick. but it's fate :)

i know some people my age whose friends are married. 

and i'm so jealous! i keep wondering - no not why it isn't me but - why it isn't my friends??? i'm looking forward to my friends being married more than me being married. me. married. hahaha.

maybe because i know there's no way i'm getting married anytime soon. maybe because i know i don't have anybody. lol. it takes a lot for me to get married. so why don't just you guys get married? i can be on the wedding day and not sweat over being the bride! haha waaat. but seriously, if some people who are gonna study overseas wish to get married before they do, i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. if i fly. i wish to fly :"( amin. then i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. amin :")

i keep telling my friends to get married or at least engaged when i'm still in Malaysia, or else when i'm back in Malaysia. i need to be there. i'll be so happy i'll jump up and down and cry. typical ama. it's kinda like "if i don't get to do it, you do it. do it for me. ok?" so friends, please get married for me lolol.

this might be another bullstatistics but i like the number

they are so lucky!

yang kawen muda ni, camne senang sangat korang kawen weh? yang dah jumpa bakal laki, kau jumpa kat mane hah? haha

everytime my best friend and i see a boy with a girl who seems alim enough to be his gf (haha), we'll like nudge each other "mana?" "yang tuu kat escalator" "ha tu lagi satu, comelnyaaa" "amboi pegang tangan" "untunglah kawen muda" hahaha budak dapat tengok je, camnila. batak sikit. maaf ye jika kami pandang-pandang tak reti cover. anda patut merasa bangga.

even budak intec pun ada kawen... shhh top secret lol. ada yang cakap ok apa, nak fly kan. nanti ada yang jaga. habis tu kalau lain destinasinya? long distancela sikit, takpe hihi. ada jugak yang kata dak scholar gatal nak kawen la apa la. ish ish ish. scholarship tidak dapat menghalang jodoh ye. my friend, she's not enthusiastic about it, but her mom sure is. gelak je aku everytime dia cerita pasal mak dia dan misi mencari menantu, yang telah dijalankan sejak dia sekolah rendah :O sekarang dah habis sekolah lagila. siap suruh cari kat intec. suruh cari yang pergi negara sama. dan seperti dijangka, mak dia tanya kengkawan sekelas tu tak ok ke? terus dia cakap takyah bu takyah hahaha. ni kelakar. masa aku register kolej kediaman untuk sem 2, aku pakai inai tau. merah lagi kat jari. kebetulan aku pakai cincin. masa aku dok mengisi borang semua, brader brader kat kaunter tu bisik bergossip. bajet aku tak dengar. yang jadi isunya inai ngan cincin aku la. "tunang kot? ke nikah? cuba kau tanya" ikut hati aku nak je troll cakap aku baru kawen. tapi biarlah mereka diselubungi... misteri.


there's this one senior. oh i stalked her hard. hahaha. habis aku scroll segala yang dapat discroll. i must say she is one exceptional human being! nak bagitau pencapaian dia, apa dia buat, siapa dia kat sekolah semua nanti kantoilah pulak kan. but i can tell you she's the best lah. now she's married. sweet je dia ngan laki dia. i'm just like, masyaallah apa rahsiamu akak?! pelajar cemerlang, isteri terbilang. eh.

i wonder how adults react to this. of course. because when young people want to settle down, they say things like "are these kids good enough at school they are eligible to get married? did you get good grades? if not, how do you expect us to let you get married? of course it will be worse once you are you can't even focus!" but what if these kids are indeed good enough? like this akak has proven herself. or will they say "you get married? why would you? what a shame! what a waste! just focus on your study and score all A's and graduate and get a good job and blablablablabla and then get married!"

hmm i wonder.

UPDATE: just after i published this post, i found one post by a senior at intec. i don't need to tell you to click the coloured word right? about early marriage. it's a really good read, really. and really makes sense. i do agree, i've been thinking the same way lately. maybe i will make another post about it including my own point of view? ahah. amboi bab kawen ni laju je kau kan.

but me? early marriage?

i used to think about kahwin muda because of the cute, sweet, geli, jiwang reasons. like i've blogged about it once here. hew malu. because i would do those things only if i'm married. hew malu. but i'm waaay passed that phase. what am i? budak sekolah? pfft no. ceyy berlagak ehh.

after high school ended, for some reasons, i started to think about it seriously. when you're still daydreaming, you can never see reality. but once you realize about the reality and leave the fantasy behind, you see what a serious business marriage is. that's why when i was still in school i was excited about kahwin cos i didn't really think about it, i hadn't given it a serious thought. what for? we're still young so just daydream la~ but my friend who had met her possibly 'the one' wasn't too excited - because she already thought about it, as they were serious. while me? drown alone in my own lil fantasy. sobs.

ironically, i found a quote saying something like this: when you know you're not ready for marriage, that's when you're serious and might be ready for it. so.... hew hew hew k diam.

again, i'm way passed that phase. it's just hormonal i guess, what high school girls go through.

maybe for a different reason now.

i've thought about early marriage in a different way. i didn't even think about it. it was not something i spent my time thinking, but i was in a conversation and the topic suddenly popped up and i blurted it out. at that time, i wanted to be married. i didn't care if i didn't get to see my husband everyday. i didn't mind if it's really nikah khitbah. people now want to do nikah khitbah because they can escape the heavy responsibilities, but not when it comes to the 'lighter duties'. nak khitbah bab yang susah je, yang manja-geli-gedik tu taknak khitbah pulak? i said i didn't care about all that. no bitter part, no sweet part. that's alright. as long as i was married. i knew who's for me. i didn't have to think about it anymore and just live. when the time comes, we'll see each other. live like other married couples. but now, just to know. and that's enough.

i was probably highly intoxicated at that time haha so that's how this came out. now i'm calm i think i might just have to be mentally married to the one who's yet to be revealed. you wanted to know? now you know: out there, is the one. you didn't want to think? then don't! you wanted to just live? then live! when the time comes, you'll see each other. now just know that there is the one. and that should be enough. 

i once was in karaoke with my girls and we're singing A Thousand Years. i had to stop and sit because i had teary eyes. the awkward moment. but the lyrics are just.... 

i have died everyday waiting for you 

not knowing who you are, but i am. i'm waiting. i don't go around looking for you and asking guys "are you him?" i just wait for our paths to collide and intertwine. i just wait for you to ask me. 

darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years

i don't even know who, i'm possibly yet to meet you, but i have. i have loved you. when i could be with other guys, i remember you and i remind myself that i love you. i have always loved you.

i'll love you for a thousand more.

and will always do.

ok i will end this lameness before i get even more embarrassed ok stop ama ok.

do you know how hard it is when you have been waiting for so long? i'm not even 20 but it has been long enough. because i'm not a girl who doesn't think about it. who doesn't wonder, who doesn't wait. when other girls around me were experimenting and my friends claimed to fall in love when we all knew it was just another crush, i wasn't, i didn't. not because i didn't have feelings, i did. as early as a school kid. i was in between. that was what made it hard. but i tell myself to just let it be. not to make a mistake. to make us as special as we can be. not that i didn't let myself try, not that i didn't make any mistake, but whatever i've done, whatever i've had, i didn't make it special. if you never think about it at all, or do but too often you change the love of your life, then you have no right to judge me. because you don't know.

ok enough. i don't really think about it, except when i'm reminded of it. other times, i'm just fine.

so don't think about it, and it will come to you by surprise. don't wait for it, and time will fly so fast :)

she was 19 and now i'm 19.

recently i stalked Dena Bahrin. and by stalk i mean i really did read her blog up to the posts published in 2010. at first i was just looking for one particular post, then i thought heck why not i just read all the posts to know about her pre-engagement-video-gone-viral life! mehehehe. and she surprised me by being just... a girl. a normal girl. gila-gila, selamba, gangster. she was one of us. but now she's *that*. woaaah :O

and i found this post - 5 years later , Please meet me. she was 18 when she wrote this.

"I don't care if I look weird and so loving (lame,lovey dovey whatever people call it) tonight. Cause it's for you anyway.Well hello future good husband , I'll wait for you. We'll meet, soon ! :')"

isn't it funny when just a year later, they 'met' each other? fate is a funny thing if you ask me.

the idea of suddenly getting married and surprising people is appealing, hehe. i've always thought if there's someone who will out of the blue announce "today i'm somebody's fiancee!" or "of this date i'm married!", that would be me. sometimes i don't feel the need to tell people about things i'm going to do or places i'm going to go to even my best friend got offended when i told her i was leaving the country on that day itself, twice. i also don't like telling people things which might or might not go as planned or as smoothly as i'd want. unless it's already happened, and i'm certain nothing can screw it up, then i feel safe to let people know.

but honestly, i couldn't do what kak dena did. i can't marry someone just like that. i can't marry someone i don't know, and i don't have feelings for. and i'm so afraid of that to the point i've prayed that i won't end up with someone i don't love. i've loved you for a thousand years but what if when i finally know who you are, i don't? you might say if we're meant to be, Allah will put the feelings in our hearts. i say the same thing too. but what i mean is i don't want to have the feeling of running away on my wedding day. i can't even imagine it. for now i'm more scared of getting married to someone i don't love than not getting married to someone i love. it scares me, the thought of getting married to someone i don't want to get married to. it scares me how people think of someone as 'the one'. it scares me because we can't always get what we want, and might get what we do not want instead.

it's scary how anything can be.

Haircut

me: *gets a haircut*
me: hm let's make it shorter
me: *cuts shorter*
me: if that's the way it looks i better not get a haircut SHORTER
me: ok short enough
me: I LOVE IT
me: IT'S LIKE I CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD

TEN MINUTES LATER
me: is that me
me: i look like my hippie brother
me: it's just not me
me: i miss my old hair
me: i miss the old me
me: *combs hair vigorously to make it grow back*

ONE YEAR LATER
me: *gets a haircut*
me: hm let's make it shorter

and repeat.

Babah Being Babah Is Good, and Bad

My dad really lived up to his name. if he's anything, it was generous. and he's anything but arrogant.

people living in this area know him. people at my schools know him. so they know me. i was known as "anak Colonel/Haji Rahman". when i was in primary school, walking alone and minding my own business, a teacher stopped me and asked "anak kenel rahman ke? kirim salam kat mak" did i really look like him people were reminded of him when they saw me? babah was a pengerusi PIBG there, that's why. what anyone won't forget if babah being the pengerusi is mentioned is how uda who was a budak gemok, would come to my dad during events like sukan ke apa ke untuk mintak duit belanja to buy more food. haha. maybe that's why i always tried to listen to any pengerusi PIBG when they were giving a speech, because my dad was one. i wasn't aware of the fact of course, it just came unconsciously. or maybe i was just naturally respectful cey. now i imagine how my dad must have been talking on the stage and the kids were noisy and being lil brats. it makes me sad lol.

my guru besar sekolah agama, who's also an imam masjid dekat rumah ni, knew babah very well. he always talked about him in class, shifting all the attention of my fellow friends towards me. i hated it so much. yeah my dad was a kind man, but stop talking about him and his kindness. i knew he appreciated my dad and what he did. there's nothing wrong about that, the attention just made me uncomfortable. his wife, who's the makcik kantin, cooked really good nasi lemak i always had second helping and extra sambal. omg, like really good i even ate donut with sambal and ate the sambal just like that. because she knew my mom and dad, she let me eat free of charge. that, i didn't hate. hehehe. but i felt guilty and my mom told me to pay anyway so we always argued about me handing the money and she not wanting to receive it. good ol' times.

have you ever seen a girl, walking alone with a boy or not covering enough skin and then your mom said "tu anak Pak Berahim kan?" or "bukan tu cucu Cik Ima ke?" not that i have any desire to walk with a boy in a way that will cause fitnah like holding hands with him or whatever, nor do i wish to dress in a tight tube with shorts, but if i ever do that, the makcik2 behind the curtain and the pakcik2 reading newspapers will say "macam anak rahman je tu. bapak dia bukan main baik lagi." ish ish ish. not a nice thing to say pakcik2 makcik2. anak cucu pakcik2 makcik2 tu tak selamat dalam syurga lagi, jadi janganlah mengata ya. manalah tau berbalik pula apa yang dikata. not that i side with this kind of girl, but i certainly do not support people talking as if they are better and they know their ending is happier, right?


so yeah, people know him for many reasons and two of the reasons were because he was really a generous servant of God, like his name, and he was extremely humble. so people didn't hate him. if they were jealous, it's only because they wanted what he had. but never ill feelings just because he deserved it.

i knew that my dad bought a land for each of his children. he made sure he left us with what's needed to help us survive, more than survive actually. but we plan and He plans and when His contradicts ours, there's nothing we could do. anyway, it surprised me to know that we actually owne some assets i didn't know existed. this is what happens when my family talks about my dad. there's always a surprise to me, because i don't really know him. i don't really know what he did, how much did he do, how far he had been to. apparently my dad, being my dad, sometimes bought some assets just to help people.

if someone came to him, saying they needed money and they had a land to sell, he would buy it. but then nobody knows what happened to that piece of land. so much for a landlord he was, haha. even if we do know about it, there was nothing done on that land. i was like, whaaaat. really?! what a waste of money what a waste of space! for all we know maybe there's a skyscraper already built on tanah babah, haha. his friends also came to him if they wanted to buy a land but needed a partner to cover up the cost, so he would be like "yeah why not ok no problem." the problem is now, bah, you didn't even ask for your rights! they used the land for agricultural uses and business and whatnot, which obviously make money, but none of it goes to us. that is our problem now bah. now.

i understand, because at that time it was not a big deal to him. if i were him i would probably be like that too, given how i am now even sometimes my mom gets mad at what i do. it was not a problem. but now, it is. it was evident how babah thought things would never change. we would be like how we were forever. he was wrong. now his "no problem" becomes a problem to us.

(update: i changed the video because this is the official video which shows the real Habibie & Ainun at the end of it it's just so sweet and sad okbai)

while mama and i were having this conversation, this mv was played on tv. ma said "Oh cerita ni pasal Pak Bie dengan bini dia ni. Pak Bie baik. dulu babah selalu jumpa Pak Bie masa dia jadi Presiden." and i was like whaaat the heaven whooo was babah meeting presidents and all?! in the mv there are some scenes about planes, oh... that's where babah was concerned. just like mama's answer.

that was a nice song btw.

Cinta kita melukiskan sejarah 

Menggelarkan cerita penuh suka cita 

Sehingga siapa pun insan Tuhan 

Pasti tahu cinta kita sejati

(imagine someone makes a movie about the love between Najib and Rosmah. 

i'll leave you with your imagination)

babah bought tanah lot mostly if i'm not mistaken. there's this one tanah lot for ateh. a house was built. but knowing tanah lot, not everybody is at the same level, so the houses are always at different level. have you seen rumah tanah lot? if you have, then you'll know how they usually look like. because of that, the house built on tanah ateh was built modestly. babah didn't want to do anything better than the neighbours sebab kesian, and he was right. i've seen rumah kat tanah lot yang dia satu je besar dan cantik, rumah lain kecik-kecik. tak salah, tapi nampak macam tak baik. but now, years later, all the other houses around tanah lot ateh dah jadi besar dan cantik, and our house je yang kecik. haha kesian diri sendiri pulak sekarang.

one of a few, or in fact the only land we're aware of what's happening to it, is kebun babah. kebun babah has all kinds of pokok, kolam ikan, buah. when i was a little girl babah always invited our sedara mara datang kebun. we walked around, petik buah, kutip yang atas tanah, kasi ikan makan, pancing ikan, duduk dekat rumah kampung tu... ada tangga nak naik ke pintu, main bawah rumah, makan mangga masam cicah sambal kicap dekat pondok, etc. that was the only experience i have of staying in a 'kampung'. close enough.

now it has been yeaaars since i last went to kebun. the kebun came to me instead, in form of buah-buah dalam bakul. sekarang buah pun tak banyak dah, tak pelbagai dah. so sad. the sadder fact is they're selling the kebun. at first i was so against it. babah wouldn't want that. but i didn't have any say, since i was underage, and truthfully i never have any say in this house whatsoever, being the youngest and the only girl. i don't even have a say about what's mine, let alone what's babah's. but now, i'm accepting it. i understood it is what we have to do. no more buah-buah dalam bakul memenuhi rumah after this. no more hantar buah-buah ke rumah jiran. no more everything. all there is is nothing. sobs.

the process to sell the kebun ain't easy i tell you. we literally have the phone number of MB of a particular state now because before that, for years, they never listened to us. call ke, hantar surat ke, apa ke, semua tak jalan. orang besar ni takde masa dah nak layan kita. pffft. so we pulled some strings and contacted him directly, ha mana kau nak lari. even the MB asked us if we're really sure of selling the tanah kebun because it's really valuable. "sayang," he said so himself. i had to stop myself from saying "told cha!" to my family. i failed.

this evening again i said, one of my defenses why kebun should not be sold

"kesian babah. kalau tak selalu je tetiba babah dapat pahala kat sana. sebab kita makan buah dari kebun babah. sebab binatang makan. sebab dorang dapat hidup. pokok semua. nanti tetiba takde dah. ayu dahlah banyak dosa. biarlah kebun tu make up for it kasi babah pahala."

ma jawab "takpelah, masjid ni pun dah kasi babah pahala dah."

had some people actually known about dosa pahala, we don't have to sell the kebun in the first place. now that's why i'm so pumped out about it, because i wish not to sell kebun babah, i'm looking for other alternatives. we have the alternatives alright, but it's what you call complicated. manusia. sesenang buat bisnes ngan babah aku pastu tak kasi untung sampai sekarang. sesenang je beli from bapak aku pastu tak bayar habis. sesenang je hutang.

kau jangan sampai aku jadi Emily Thorne kang. seek my very own revenge. luckily i know a bit about dosa pahala and i wouldn't go that far. she does it for her father's tainted dignity, but me? for my father's, my family's and my stolen rights. you know what? it's not even revenge. it's just making things right. if we're gonna talk about vengeance, i have one that i will do for myself, oh yes. but now i'm just gonna let God do his work and karma give that bastard a bitch slap from me. going to the police station and lying as you lodge a report when you were 18 before you went out to have fun with your friend and have to just pretend nothing happened as you laughed and gossiped as usual, is not a pleasant memory. if anyone in this house doesn't give a damn anymore about our rights, i do. revenge is a dish best served cold, yes? i can't do anything about it now, but i will. it's not just people, it's also the big people, if you know what i mean. malaysia and indonesia alike. i asked my mom to make a list of everyone that we should go after and everything that should have been ours.

there's no Nolan to look after me. to help me. to make sure i get what i deserve. so if i feel like it, i will do what's best to get what is rightfully mine. if things were different, i wouldn't care. like my dad didn't. just do whatever you want and answer to The One up there. but now things have changed.

i wonder why doesn't my family all be like the dramas we see on tv. especially malam-malam kat tv3 tu, drama yang aku sendiri menyampah tengok haha. projek tak agak-agak, sesikit pedajal orang. but to some extent, the portrayal is true. things like that do happen. business worlds and its diamonds and devils. revenge and pretense. drama gila hidup kalau camtu. but at least they fight for their right. not just let it be.

babah worked so hard for all that and i'm not just gonna let it all go that easy.

i wish he was here to guide me. but then again, if he was, all this wouldn't have happened.

i wouldn't have to be Ama Thorne. 

hahahaha ok no

An Open Letter To Someone Who Confessed To Love This Blog

"Hai [nama (hampir) penuh] :) I really like your personality. Cool but you had yr boundaries in doing things. Sometimes i dont get the way u study, but whatever, u're here in Intec. And i love your keretapitutttutt :)"

sape yang confess pasal blog aku ni baik confess sekarang. nak confess sangat kan?!

ingat kelakar?! tak lawak ok. memula aku baca aku dah terbeliak biji mata. pastu aku baca part last tu terus tersembul biji mata aku. ada biji mata kena korek ni kang, pepandai je mention blog aku eh. tak cukup dengan nama (hampir) penuh aku. memula aku baca aku cam "tak boleh ke kau sebut ama je ke takyah sebut nama ke ganti ngan star star je ke ni nak jugaaak letak nama (hampir) penuh aku, ic number taknak letak sekali?" pastu aku cam "ok at least dia tak cakap buruk pasal aku, er, terima kasih..." tapi kemudian aku cam "APAKAH?!" berapa kerat la sangat baca blog aku ni, tapi sekerat yang sikit ni kemain ye.

okla. meh aku berlembut. guna cara berhikmah. takde korek korek biji mata ni semua. ehhem.

dear mr/miss confessor (because in english i sound nicer).

i know you read my blog, thanks to your confession. so i know this is the only safe place in which i can talk to you about this (which might not be so safe anymore, thanks to your confession). firstly i really thank you for reading my blog, and er for liking my personality, and errr for thinking i'm cool (aww stop it you), and last but certainly not the least important reason, for loving KERETAPITUTTTUTT.

i used caps lock because that is the main point of this open letter and because i am screaming. now kindly imagine me saying all that in a polite tone but SCREAMING at the word keretapitutttutt, thank you.

at least you didn't say what it was. people probably think you love my train set toy like Thomas and Friends or something. phewh. because it sounds ridiculous?! i came up with the name keretapitutttutt when i was 14! if i were to change the link, you, and the rest of you, ALL OF YOU wouldn't be able to read this crap! i'm sacrificing here by sticking with the childish url. but you just had to tell the world about it didn't you? but yeah, thanks for not stating it was a blog -..-

i don't know who you are but i will find you and i will... buy you a cup of tea.

like i said, buy you a cup of tea.

at first i was thinking about asking the admin of Intec Confession to remove that post, but maybe i should just act cool and let it be. maybe nobody cares, yeay!.... hoping no curious college mate and nosy stranger googles it. i already hide my blog from google, so nobody will find a direct link. however, my junior blogged about me and mention my full name and include my link so if anyone googles my name they will find her blog and then mine. my dear junior akak already asked you to remove my full name in your post did you notice? please do it asap, thanks honey. in fact just recently somebody googled my name looking for my blog. not cool. and what you did, the confessor, also not cool, ok.

why don't i want people to read my blog now you ask? because i don't want people to know things about me. because i don't want them to know how i think. because i am embarrassed and reserved eceh. because some people think they know me enough to hate me or like me just by reading my blog. because i don't want any drama anymore. because just because laaah.

anyway, if you do read this blog, and if you do know me, at least that's what your confession is implying, you would know that lately i have grown to desire, even more accurate, require, this blog's confidentiality, in other words, my privacy (despite it not being private but that's another story). i guess maybe you haven't sworn to secrecy? i know, you meant it well. probably. and i appreciate it, i do :) but i would appreciate it more if you did preserve my anonymity, as you did yours.

i don't know who you are, seriously. i can guess, though. 

the first person that crossed my mind is somebody i crossed off almost immediately. and indeed i was wrong, maybe, if you didn't lie to me (you, because if you read this it meant you lied). but i don't think it was that person. because that person swore to not read this blog anymore. i have trust issues, but i trust that person. another reason why i think it's somebody else is because of what the confessor said.

we want to do Conan now? ok bring it on.

1. if it's somebody from intec, the list of people who know my blog is very short. those who knew about it before i met them in intec, those i told about the blog to, and those who found it; by accident or because you stalked me for it, and you told me that i was busted. unless there are people who know about my blog, but i don't know about it. so i think if anyone from intec made the confession, it's these people i can't track down. 

2. what made me think the confessor isn't from intec is because of what they said. they don't get they way i study? it sounded like somebody from my high school, or who has been reading my blog for a long time, or probably someone i just know who has read my old blog posts. that's how they know how i study. they probably meant to say that my results didn't reflect my bad study habit... but it was said in a nice way so i don't mind. although, the following line saying i'm here in intec made it sound like it was an intec student after all. intec or not, it's quite insincere of you saying you love my blog when you don't even read the posts in which i said i would like this blog to be personal, that's the only explanation why you didn't act accordingly. unless you didn't because you didn't respect my preference.

3. i have boundaries in doing things? what did you mean? it's true, in some aspects. so i figure you know it because you either know me in person and have experience with me and my boundaries haha, or you just... well, figured it out yourself from my blog posts. this is the reason why i thought that person was the one who made the confession. because that person should know better about me and my boundaries. turned out, not. but what did you mean by boundaries tell me!

fyi, if i'm used to someone, i usually know the way they talk and write. so reading the confessions on that page, sometimes i think i know who makes a confession, or who doesn't, but someone else makes a confession for them, or just fake a confession entirely i don't know why, maybe they're just trying to be an ass.

so yeah. dear mr/miss confessor, just leave a comment and tell me who you are, i won't bite. okla if you're afraid of me biting you or buying you a cup of tea you could just leave a comment about whether my attempt to be Conan was a success or a failure. whether i was right or wrong.

geez these silent readers are freaking me out. thanks for reading though :) but don't read silently and talk about it publicly!

please don't do that again, anyone :( Allah sees you :( i'm gunna tell me mommy :(

ok thanks, tata.

Glee Appreciation Post (and how i'm like rachel berry... k no)

i watched Glee and i cried. because i miss Glee, and i miss the old me.

i have always seen myself as Rachel, as vain as it sounds. because our timelines are parallel. i was a senior in high school when she was. i was involved in some dramas which were PRETTY SIMILAR to hers. i was brokenhearted and my song was Jar of Hearts, one of a few. she was brokenhearted and she sang Jar of Hearts, there were more coincidences too. i was a dreamer and so was she. i wanted to be the very best and i accepted nothing less, so did she. i got the best student award, she won national championship. we graduated. i aspired to fly to my dream destination and further in my dream course, she aimed to go to her dream school and start her dream career. i thought i didn't get the scholarship even though during the interview i did my best, while she blew up her audition and failed to get a place. we gave our all but we got nothing in return. we cried. we lost hope. we saw no light. we lost - the door's closed. the death of our childhood dreams. but then she reauditioned and made the best out of the second chance, and i found out i deserved the scholarship after all. you can not understand what we both felt - first it was tears of sadness, and then of happiness. we were on our way to our life long dreams. what we want, we make it happen.

i felt you. i feel you.

the differences between me and Rachel are she loves attention while i hate it and she is very confident while i'm not. she is many things but i don't hate her, so i don't understand the hate she gets. i love her.

now when i watched how well Rachel was doing in NYADA, and how i'm no longer keeping up with our parallel lines in INTEC, i broke down. i did. she kept being the best even in the institution, while i'm being my worst version. i don't know what happened but it sucked to see her there, like that, and me here, like this. the awkward moment when i felt like saying sorry to her, for disappointing her, for failing her, for not being the same person i once was.

OK WTH AM I TALKING ABOUT SHE'S FICTION FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE

maybe it's projection. projection is a defence mechanism in psychology. i project my undesired feelings onto someone else, so not to feel it to protect myself, because actually feeling it is too much - as if i haven't let myself do so, maybe i used projection because i did. or it's just me getting attached to fictional characters as always.

especially the part when Rachel was doing a performance only the best of the best was chosen to do and she did it so wonderfully leaving people in awe - making me feel even worse, but congrats nevertheless. the song she sang is like our theme song or something. or was mine.

Being good isn't good enough

Being good won't be good enough

When I fly, I must fly extra high

Gotta fly and if I fall

That's the way it's gotta be

There's no other way for me

Being good just won't be good enough

I'll be the best or nothing at all

this is not me anymore :(

i think i forgot how i was supposed to be like Rachel. back then when i watched her i would be inspired and pumped up with my own aspirations, but it has been ages since i last watch Glee i didn't know what happened in season 4. lesson learnt: watch Glee for healthy weekly doses of inspirations. maybe that'll help.


this one has got nothing to do with me but here is a song that got tears in my eyes. Finn realized he had no place to go to after high school, he felt like he was good for nothing while Rachel was going places. She, however, felt like she owed it all to him, like without him she couldn't have done it, while he just sat there worried about his future. he didn't realized how special he was to Rachel... JUST LOOK AT THEIR FACES AND EXPRESSIONS YOU CAN SEE THE LOVEEE

I can't win, I can't reign

I will never win this game

Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly

I will never make it by

Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb

If you're not here, I'm paralyzed

Without you, without you

MY HEART MY SHIPPER'S HEART

My weird deep understanding concerning a fictional character is not the only reason why i teared up watching Glee last weekend when i had Glee marathon. another reason was because i just miss the original cast i've been gleeking over since i was 15 - god it has been 4 years. they've grown up, so have i.

there was this scene when the new Glee members were performing a song from Grease, and the former members were there in the audience. suddenly they imagined they were the ones performing on stage, because it was a number they used to do, in fact the first practice when there were only a few people in the club.  Rachel was having flashbacks of the first time he sang with Fynn and so much had happened since then now they were broken up and went on different paths omg creyz. it was very nostalgic for us Gleeks :')

i loveeeee the song i have the original version in my playlist hehe

another sad sentimental scene was in another episode when the former members one by one appeared in the auditorium singing and hugging after not seeing each other for quite some time after high school. their little reunion. they said "home for holiday, just like we promised" :"D

.

The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone

Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Rachel, again, making me feel worse about myself, went to her first broadway audition and got a callback how awesome is that AND EVEN MORE AWESOME IS THE FACT THAT SHE SANG A VERY SENTIMENTAL SONG TO THE GLEE CLUB WHICH IS DON'T STOP BELIEVING AND EVEN WAAAY MORE AWESOME WAS WHEN SHE SANG IT ALONE, SHE IMAGINED SHE SANG IT WITH THE VERY ORIGINAL MEMBERS OF THE GLEE CLUB, THOSE WHO SIGNED UP IN THE FORM MR SCHUE PUT ON THE BOARD THOSE WHO REALLY JOINED BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ASHAMED OF THEIR PASSION IN MUSIC AND ARTS PLS GIMME A MOMENT

THEY EVEN WORE THE RED SHIRTS THEY WORE THE FIRST TIME THEY SANG TOGETHER AND EVEN DID THE SAME CHOREOGRAPHY ALL MY FEELINGS ALL AND RACHEL WAS JUST THERE SINGING AND THINKING ABOUT THEM BEING WITH HER

okay breath. it's just so cute and sweet and arghhh do you feel me?!

it's so meaningful how Rachel sang the song and imagined them with her, as the song and the gang were the first reason why she was even singing alone in her broadway audition. it was the song they sang together after not being able to work together which killed mr schue's enthusiasm in teaching them, followed by him leaving the school to have a better paid profession which wasn't his passion. the song brought them together and brought back mr schuester. it was the first breath which brought Glee Club to life. and because of it, now Rachel's there, her dreams coming true because don't stop believing. 

it didn't only show how far Rachel has come, it showed how far they have come, from only 6 of them, to 12, and more.

SEE THEIR FIRST NUMBER TOGETHER OMG

and this one. from LOSERS to CHAMPIONS

just see what they've been through just seeeee the flashbacks and the rewards seeeee

i never blogged about Glee and now it's all coming up and i just have so much to say but i think i should stop. i know nobody cares. i blog this for myself for future reference whenever i'm having my gleek moment. glee is just really inspiring. i've cried many times watching it, including the last two episodes of season 3 when they won the national championship and were graduating and gave Mr Schue the Teacher of The Year award. did you know how long and how hard did it take for them to get to that level? the shits Mr Schue had to put up with to not give up? the things each of them were going through at a personal level?

every character has their own story, and everyone can relate to anyone in Glee.

People underestimate Glee because roughly it is a story of a group of teenagers at school who break into songs whenever they feel like it, but actually it's so much more than that. idk. just something along the line of going for your dreams, staying true to yourselves, working hard for your ambitions, holding your head up high even when it will get wet being splashed by slushies, accepting others just the way they are, loving yourselves despite your imperfections, understanding differences, appreciating uniqueness, surviving instead of resorting to suicide, dealing with family issues, knowing who your true friends are, being there for them, never giving up, not being ashamed of your passion and identity, being confidence, believing in yourselves, fighting for what's worth fighting for, and more. idk i guess these are pretty good messages don't you think?

i love Glee and i'm proud to be a Gleek

you hate Glee?