That's My Privacy

you know how it feels like when you feel you have no privacy at all?

i know i barely talk to you now but this time i just can't talk to you anymore. i'm sorry.

but you read my virtual diary, which i don't even tell my best friend for six years about it as i am embarrassed for it is very personal, when she already knows some of the things i have to say there.

you know about my exam result, which i don't even tell my mom about it because i can't talk about my disappointment, when she already knows how much i screwed up and how it affected me.

then you find out, what, my home address? which i don't even tell my friends about it unless i invite them myself, when most of them pass by my house for years without knowing i live in it.

and i hope that is the wrong address. God, i hope it is. you know my ic and id number, when that should have been private and confidential. you know my tumblr, when that should have been so very personal. there goes my academic and personal life. what else is there for me to keep to myself? you know me. people who know me know i value my privacy. i crave personal space. i need a private page.

what you did, that is just - i can't even. that is the last straw.

funny thing is, i had a hunch that this would happen, too many times. i knew you were probably gonna find my tumblr, i realized every possible way it could happen, every connection i have to everyone who might lead you to finding it, but i always brushed it off, i thought i was just being too paranoid. who knew, i was right. and i had a feeling that you knew about my result just by the way you talked to me about it, but i didn't think you found it out by yourself. who knew, right.

i know, i'm the one who put it out there for the world to find. maybe i shouldn't have done that. but you know too, that you shouldn't have done what i hate people to do. i stalk people too, other people stalk people too, but you just brought it to the whole new level. well at least it hit me, i probably should stop stalking people. one might do it out of fun or out of feelings and you and i probably think we do it for the right reasons, but you just don't realize the level of creepiness and offence stalking offers, unless you become the victim. stalking is fun but having your secrets being known by the last person you want them to know about your life, is not. maybe we're just the same, but what sets me and you apart is i don't dig that deep when i know someone hides it. especially if i knew i would find things which would make the person kill me for finding it, and especially if i knew i would find something that would kill me enough nobody else has to do it. you want to stalk my facebook? fine, it is open to friends. you want to stalk my blog? i can't stop you because it's public. but my tumblr? my exam results? my home address?

now you basically know everything one can know about me.

i can go further and i can be ruder but i guess you already know that from everything you now know about me, and i guess i shouldn't let my words hurt you anymore than i already do. you are wrong when you think i never think about you. i'm not that good a girl but i'm not that cruel. you've read what i wrote about you right? i never meant for you to read it, but at least it shows i'm not a heartless heart breaker. and now you know how bad a person i am, maybe that will make things easier for you. 

i'm so sorry for everything i have done, written, said, and for the things i can not do.

just, please, stop. for you.

A Good Guy Friend Of Mine

it's 4 in the morning and i haven't slept yet. because i talked to my guy friend.

i know in the previous post i talked about guys and girls being friends, but in this post i'll be talking about MY guy friend anyway. and i don't care. at first i planned to devote this night to my unfinished assignments or my untouched personal statement, but then i realized i was never gonna do it at midnight, so when i was just about to go to bed, this dude just had to hi me asking apa khabar out of the blue. i was like.... ok i'm terharu but why.... apparently he was reminiscing about the old times, still in the mood after going to our friend's open house and meeting our old friends, and he said because i was not there. coming from him.... it's gold. that was the first moment i had to wipe my imaginary tears, because there were some more to come. i even had actual teary eyes alright tonight. some of you might know who he is, but i don't care.

we talked about things we always used to talk about, and now just in one night, we're trying to catch things up. we surprised each other with whatever that has been happening in our lives since high school, what has changed, what progress has been made, what problem has been solved, what issue has been overcome. we used to have a daily routine of checking up each other's daily dramas. almost every night, we would talk about the same thing, the same topics we talked about every other night, because it mattered to us, and we cared that it mattered to each other. i would stay up late just to listen to his stories and help him with his issues, and he would go extra length to make me feel fine with mine. but now? it has been almost two years since we left high school. and two years since we left that routine.

i knew after high school it would end, we would not be as close as we were, and i was okay with that. that's just life. we became close within just one year... just one. yet we told each other private and personal things about our lives, things most of my girl friends never know about. he was always there. man now i already have tears in my eyes. he never let me down like some friends i had known much longer did. he always had my back when they stabbed it. when they offended me to my face, he was the only one who stepped in and backed me up. he always reminded me of my worth when people made me feel worthless. he always told me i deserved someone better, i deserved to be happy, i deserved to succeed. he always knew the right thing to say, even when he talked of shitty things most of the times. he was the kind of guy my friends were surprised to know i had grown close to, because they don't know him like i do.

but going on different paths after high school wasn't the only reason why we grew apart. he has always been a good guy whom bad things happen to, but that time that one thing was so bad, it affected not only him, but others including me as well. all the other bad things which had happened to him made him seem to be the bad guy, made him the bad guy, and the bad guy caused that one big bad thing to happen, causing many other bad things in return. i cried for him. he was my only guy friend i ever cried for. i didn't cry because of him. i didn't cry for me. i cried for my friend. i cared about him. i prayed for him. it was serious as it involved other people, and because i knew about it, i got involved too, and i was afraid. afraid for him, afraid of him. i tried to help him, but i couldn't. he didn't let me. he had lost faith and he told me to stay away, when that was the time he needed someone who had faith in him. i was probably one of a couple of people who did, but the only one who was still there for him, but he didn't let me.  i never gave up on him, i knew he was a good guy, he just needed to be that guy again. but he didn't believe it, he thought he was a bad guy. he would tell me things that made me think please no, please don't, please just lie. that he's all bark and no bite, at least it's still what's right. up until now i never know if he did that because he was serious and he didn't give a damn anymore, or if he was just crying for help in his devil-may-care fake confessions in case i still gave a damn. i did. until one day i realized i needed to let him live the way he wanted it, as long as he still wanted to live.

in that period i learnt how to deal with people like him, with that kind of situation. i never knew how to before. you've gotta have a balance between being cool and forceful. you've gotta do it their way. i've never been like that with anyone else, ever. because they don't need it. it got to the point when i didn't even know what to say anymore, because i know nothing i said could change anything. so i just left him. after a while, he came back. he wanted to put his life back together, but he said he can't. and then later, he came back again, he said sorry for being an asshole, and thanks for having faith in him. i said thank you for noticing and welcome back. don't ever do that again.

it has never been the same since then, because i now know how to handle him, so i just let him be. we went from always talking to each other to not talking at all. but i wish him well. i always wish him well. and he knows i do. and that's enough for him. i know he's getting better, and that's enough for me. after that we started to talk again, but it wasn't the same. it has never been the same, until tonight. when he became my friend i used to know two years ago. it is good, to know things are okay. so good. i was genuinely so happy for him i had tears in my eyes, when the last time i did, it was because i was genuinely worried.

i don't know if he knows this, even after i've told him so many times i don't know if he believes it, that he is a good friend. he is a good guy. he was my only good guy friend when i had none. i was told lucky because i had many guy friends before that, but in the end i knew i was lucky only when i had him as mine. to him i'm probably a nobody, but he's somebody to me. i will never forget that. i don't know why but just thinking about this makes me sad. i cared.

he's so cynical and sarcastic, and cynical and sarcastic people always see the worst of me, but he always seem to see the best of me. and that is something, for him, with his negativity haha, to accept me. like he knows how i am, and what i get, and some people can't accept that, but he got me. and that, coming from him, yes is gold. you don't know him, you don't know his life. i'll be glad to think maybe i played a part in changing his view on life. i was afraid if he couldn't accept me eventually and leave me. but he didn't, maybe because he actually knows me, unlike those people. sometimes i had doubts, maybe he didn't like being friends with me, maybe he hated me in secret, maybe he was just being nice in front of me but at my back, he's just the same like them. but then again, i have seen him at his worst. he has shown me his worst. so why would he want to look good in front of me?

despite of that, i never think he's someone bad.

to other people he might not be nice, but to me he is kind. nice is your attitude towards others, kind is your personality. to me, a good guy is someone who, while might not be good to himself, is good to other people. yes he talks like a bastard sometimes but that's okay. if he's not a saint, i don't mind, for him being fair to himself is good enough for now. for him to be normal, and functional, good enough. but of course, i'm still worried about some things, and my prayers are with him. he too, deserves happiness and success. he deserves so much more. he just needs to trust himself and Him. 

he is the only guy friend i hope if we fall apart, it's only because we grow apart. i don't want it to happen in bad terms, like it once did. this is the only friendship i hope will always be a friendship, nothing more and nothing less. i didn't get it when some girls hoped they would only stay friends with their guy friends, i mean what? macamlah dorang nak kat kau lol. but it happens, you know, so i hope it won't happen to us. it's not because of reasons like i don't want us to be awkward, or if things don't work out we'll be strangers, no. it's mainly because of the reason he's too good as a friend, and i need a friend like him. it's mainly because i value this friendship so much i need and want nothing more. like we were in a topic, which made me say assuming he cared for me, but he didn't like me, so being caring doesn't mean anything. being caring can be as a friend, hence friendzoned. then he said i know he didn't like me because he had someone when we started being friends, and now when we became friends again he's just not in the mood for those things. i hope it will always stay that way. i just can't, thinking i might hurt him. he's had enough of that already.

tonight when i talked to him, i realized he talked like a man. he has done things i know he never would want to back then, and i'm proud of him. he no longer talked like he had no faith in life and people and the universe. i knew he had potentials, he just didn't have to ruin them. i guess college made him a better person, i knew it would. like we talked about something, which i had to ask him if he was serious because i couldn't tell if he was serious or not anymore, him and his sick sense of humour. he actually was serious, he said he would leave his sarcastic manners behind if he wanted to have this rare session with me, the same thing we did in high school, sharing things together... aw. i miss those times.

we didn't have small talks, we didn't talk for the sake of chatting. we talked about what mattered, at least to us. it's not like those conversations which don't have content, those friendships which don't have meaning, you know? he would always be rooting for me, he used to say. i would always be rooting for him, for sure. to me this is a friendship, in the name of friendship itself. ah i think if i don't stop, this post will never end.

while chatting tonight i searched our facebook inbox with some key words, what we used to talk about in high school. we LOL-ed at what we found. what used to matter, didn't anymore. who mattered to us, didn't anymore. but someone who had been through that with you, might still matter today :)

what we said to each other, still mattered too. he once told me "in time, Ama, in time." ah, in fact he told me a lot of things i found to be true today. i just needed to have faith. and likewise, too. i believed in him, he just needed to believe in himself. i once told him, even if someone doesn't stay, they come into your life for a reason so make the best out of it. all, today, is still relevant :) 

and i found this

"the thing about me and guy friends is it never lasts, i dont know why. there were points when i was close to any of them, and then it just stopped. it's sad. so if a girl has a guy friend yg dah lama kenal and never leaves her, aku jeles, hoho pathetic. maybe because dorang kwn ngn aku pun ade sebab, like they need my help, or they're bored, so i'm their last resort. tsk tsk. but oh well who cares, people change. let's make the best out of it now while we still can."

he replied

"Amalina. I would never do that ok? What I appreciate in life I will hold for the rest of my life. That I promise. Don't worry ok? After SPM I pray the best we would stay in contact."

i don't want him to know i write this. because i'm being so mushy and he'll be so geli. hahaha. this is a very emotional and sentimental post to me, and he must think i'm corny. 

well, i am, in a good way, for good people :)

Love and Friendship In Islam (and Dating, Marriage, Everything lol)

here are three videos of the same theme, about love~ and~ friendship. ha suke lettew!

before that here are some disclaimers, and these are not the reflection of the videos, they are only my own viewpoint, if you disagree it's up to you, to each his own. haram to me is what people do, and not what people are. if one falls in love, it's not haram. if two stay in love, it's not haram. even if they are in a relationship, it's not necessarily haram as what they are depends on what they do. if they are only friends, but do what is haram, then it is haram. i won't say guys and girls can't be in a relationship, or can't be friends. doing what is haram, does not include feelings. feelings are fitrah. what you do with feelings are what can be fitnah. loving and missing, are not haram. lust, is not feelings. if lust is contained and actions are controlled, it is not haram, but you know prevention is better than cure. lust, if gets out of hand, and your hands, your feet, your eyes, your ears, your heart, act upon it, according to rasulullah saw, then it is haram. that is what we call, according to fact, zina tangan, kaki, mata, telinga, dan hati, sebab disertai syahwat. lustful actions, are haram. your actions, if don't cross the line, however lagha, gedik, gatai, gelenyar, are still not haram. wallahualam.

don't haramize things as easily as some people halalize things. otherwise you're haram. 

ok waddahail that's not even funny.

i've posted these videos on facebook before. this is like the compilation lah. 

so, in order of appearance, starting with....

1. Why Men and Women Cant be friends

who says so? look at Harry and Hermione, best friends without feelings. it's not impossible if you are sincere in a friendship, bukannya nampak dahi licin je, six packs je terus kasi salam cakap "kawan boleh?", padahalll. kalau dah suka lepas kawan tu lainlah cerita, tu best namanya. har har. i want a Ron for me, but I'll also find my own Harry. challenge accepted. - 28/12/11

these are some of the comments. biru kena censored tu guy, pink tu girl. mereka tak bersalah jadi dirahsiakan identiti, walaupun boleh je nak scroll cari sape dorang kan lol. tapi tak penting pun. lagi pun sape je takde keje stalk sampai camtu sekali kaaan? kan...? aizureen dengan aku tetiba emo atas sebab-sebab peribadi, tapi tak perlulah underline bahagian mana yang ada kaitan dengan hidup dan mati kan har har.

this video was mentioned in another two videos i'm sharing in this post, but i watched it first heh heh. that was almost two years ago. have my view point changed since then...? no... and yes.

i still believe guys and girls can be friends, but under certain conditions. i don't really believe guys and girls can be best friends though. not anymore. that is the main rule, guys and girls can NOT be BEST friends.

of course there are a few exceptions, like harry and hermione. but if ron wasn't always there, wouldn't you think something, at least a summer fling or just one kiss, would have happened between the two? in Deathly Hallows Part 1, when harry and hermione was alone after ron left them, hermione was sad and harry, trying to cheer her up, danced with her. they stared into each other's eyes and for a moment we, at the edge of our seat, prayed DO NOT EFFING KISS? that scene was created on purpose. JKR wanted to make it seem as if it could have happened, but they didn't do it, because what kind of mess would it be once ron returned and they had to deal with it? not to mention the quest to kill lord voldy! phewh. tu la aku salu kata. no matter what's going on in your life, the matters of the heart (or hormones) is always a different story. or else the population would never expand during war periods right? it's all fair in love and war, and this is a bit of both. 

i'm friends with boys, but this is where the conditions apply. i'm friends with guy friends pre-conditions era, those who are still my friends, and that's only a very few i tell you. i'm friends with guys i have to be friends with; classmates. i'm friends with guys i want to be friends with; wait, no. because i have this inner conflict so it's complicated. i'm only comfortable with guys who i know have a girlfriend or a crush at least, and guys who wouldn't want to make me theirs. this is not being poyo, this is being real. i used to think girls who think guys could like them were perasan, but then i understood it could happen. i used to forget that i was a girl when i was with boys, and i guess boys forgot that i was a girl too, because back then we were like bros and they only liked my girl friends and i would be their wingman. the idea of a guy liking me was just eww. like why would you?! haha. but now i've realized that i'm a girl. however unlikely and eww it may be, nothing is impossible. lol. so i must try to avoid dramas.

recently i was called kerek..... k. i'm not. i'm just conflicted, making it complicated.

however unlikely and eww it is, a guy and a girl will always have the possibility to fall for one another because why? BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT GENDER LAH. geez you people, tu pun nak kena bagitau ke. regardless of how they look, act, weigh, are (read: regardless of how i), the possibility is always there. the reason that one is a guy and another is a girl is enough to make things happen. even if your guy friends already have someone, what if one day they break up? he falls out of love? stops crushing on her? or you become the reason why? it's never safe. seeeee. but it's your choice. like it's mine ;)

do you know how common it is? it has happened to all types of people and all types of friendship. nobody's immune to it.

you can't say you won't have feelings for someone. as if you can stop the fall just because it's your best friend. you can't stop yourself from falling. sometimes when i'm friends with guys, at one point a thought occurs to me, either "aku takkan suka dia" or "aku boleh tersuka dia". only sometimes! a few factors contribute to this prediction, it's not just because i'm friends with them, like some people are so sure they will/not develop a crush on their own friend. but sometimes your friends will change, or you change your perspective of them, and that will change your so called prediction. sometimes you meet some guys and on initial impression you wonder how the hell did they get a girlfriend? whatever does the girl see in him? but once you get to know one person, it's scary how you can see why someone would like/love/whatever them. so you'll never know.

once you get attached to someone, you'll need them, you'll spend time with them, and you'll miss them. missing someone is the start of the spark. of course, it doesn't apply if you're not the desperate type who falls for anyone who gives them the slightest attention. it doesn't apply if you're an introvert who doesn't crave for company and love being alone you rarely feel lonely. it doesn't apply if you're me... maybe. heheh. if you know you can fall for someone easily just based on their looks not yet personality, then back off bro.

even if you don't love their personality, you might just like their looks. one point in this video is physical attraction, and physical attraction might involve nafs. even if you don't fall in love with your best friend, you still have to mind your boundaries. people often forget the boundaries for the reason they won't fall for each other. but life isn't all about love dears, as if if you don't fall in love it's all fine. there still should be a wall separating you guys and girls no matter how inseparable you are.

oh yeah the whole time we're talking about this, i'm referring to friendships which start as only friendship. you get into the friendship without whatsoever feeling, not because you have some feelings for them. the first kind usually happens by accident, the second one by intention. kalau kau memang kawan dengan orang tu sebab kau syok kat dia sia-sialah aku type panjang-panjang ni, dah memang kau suka dia pun sejak awal lagi. pfft kawanlah kononnn kalau dah mintak nak berkawan tu nak lebih la maksudnyaaa pfft.


having this said, it doesn't mean i don't think friends falling in love might be the best thing :)

2. Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? - Nouman Ali Khan

-"sometimes they don't realize the elaborate scheming of men" 

oh some girls do alright. some didn't at first.... but with experience they learn.

-"well now you know why Allah says don't do it. cos it hurts" 

omg hahaha. i think if people see it this way, for the sake of their heart rather than the sexual aspects of it which many say won't go that far, they will mind the boundaries better. because it's easier to get hurt. a no to a love declaration is more likely to happen than a yes to an adultery persuasion. either one, it will hurt. you can feel that, but you can't feel hell fire. so save yourselves from the pain of heartbreak! this is genius, the way he explains why guys and girls can't be friends. because either one of you will fall for the other, or both fall for each other, but things will happen and get in the way and you'll be hurt. keep the scope simple and practical and possible in real world, you'll see why Allah says don't do it.

-"they don't realize the price they pay emotionally even in this world."

doesn't worldly scar hurt enough? i know, i understand, i want the same thing as well. some people want a relationship because they want to get married. they are not looking for a fling. they don't plan to go with the flow, whether it will bring them to marriage or they will go against the current if they don't feel like it. they are serious, and i respect these people. but what if, after all seriousness, it doesn't work out? it will hurt even more because they are that serious. the good times during the journey towards the aisle are good, but nobody can foresee if the the aisle is at the end of the road.

"i can't give you that. nobody can give you that"

-"it's not fair to the people that this kind of individuals would eventually marry"

this is what i've been thinking since what, primary school? everyone else claimed to have found their first love, and subsequent loves, one after another, as if love can be found in every guy you have a crush on. what about your true love if you already have all these loves? i roll my eyes when people say first love stays with us forever, that if we stop loving them, that's not our first love, those bs. if everyone has someone they hung up on whom they've given a piece of their heart to, who will receive a heart which is whole? if someone will always be in love with their first love, what about their last? you'll end up with your soul mate, but your heart is set on some girl you met when you were a teenager. you'll marry your meant-to-be, but you'll never love her as much as you love someone who never loves you back. love, but don't let loose. think of your jodoh. save yourselves for them.

-"you just learn to become insensitive to other people's feelings."

one heartbreak and and it makes your heart cold. it makes you think everyone is the same as that someone who breaks your heart. imagine going through that over and over again, when once is enough to change you.

-"it's the obvious truth."

guys and girls can't be friends. period. okay, according to me, be. but boundaries. you know when you might have crossed the line? when people think you are more than friends. but of course, people can talk, but don't let them talk about something untrue and the fitnah is caused by you. to some people including myself, the lines are different; depends on the individual, situation and environment. but always know yourself and where you shouldn't cross. know the zones and know the lines. insyaallah, i know mine. 

3. Love and Dating in Islam - Sheikh Omar Suleiman

because this is relevant to most of us here, i got some points down for our future reference. but watch it for a fully covered topic. thank me later lol.

"in our deen, we seek Allah through marriage. marriage is half of your deen, that's a rahmah. seeking the pleasure of Allah through another human being, showing mercy to another human being, restricting your ego with another human being."

"if you meet 100 people, 99 of them married someone they didn't think they were gonna be with."
(this freaks me out)

"that's a hell to invest yourself emotionally into something that's not even gonna give you something at the end of the day."

"that's punishment in this world, to go through relationship after relationship, and every time you go through a relationship a piece of you dies. capacity to love, capacity to trust, your emotions get lower, your expectations only rise because you've seen more flaws."

"you can get married to a person for the way they look, it's halal, but it's not smart. that's not something that is going to last. the looks will go. then you'll have to deal with the other stuffs, and the other stuffs might not be so pleasant"

"marriage is a lifetime commitment."

"you're about to make the most important decision of your life and it's biased and it's crooked because you let your infatuation cloud your judgement. Allah doesn't want us to do that."
(this is like a wake-up call for me, i never thought of it that way. our infatuation influence us to make what might be the wrong decision)

"do not expect your kids to stay away from haram if you're making the halal so hard."

"haram is so easy, don't make halal hard."

"even if your kid comes up to you at 18 years old and says mom dad i wanna get married, even if it's not realistic at that point, at least show some support. at least say okay, we're gonna help you, at least go through this much and we'll help you."

"Rasulullah saw said: a person who gets married to protect themselves has a right upon Allah to be supported. the person who tries to protect themselves for the sake of Allah and goes out seeking marriage the halal way, Allah has guaranteed them that He will help."

based on this hadeeth, how can you say love before marriage is haraam?

when it only states what is best for two who love each other is what is halal?

we all want what's best for us at the end of the day, no matter which way.

based on the story of mughits and barirah, how can you say one can not love another?

when prophet muhammad saw was amazed at how much mughits loved barirah

and how much barirah hated mughits?

rasulullah didn't ask mughits to stop loving her.

he only asked barirah if she would marry him, to which she answered no.

"when you pray istikharah please don't expect a dream to come and if you see a dream, you've been thinking about that person anyway. it's not the answer to your istikharah. istikharah is you're asking Allah if this is good for me, make it easier for me. if its bad for me, put obstacles between me and it. as simple as that. trust Allah with that." 
(this is common sense and basic psychology, don't trust your dreams! i never trust mine no matter how good it is, mimpi mainan emosi.)

""i just make dua to Allah to give me that person," so you're saying whether it's a good move or not, "i still want that one."" 

"if you are looking at potential candidates for marriage, and you don't have anything that's making you biased, that's slanting you towards one direction or the other, and you ask for the taufeeq of Allah, and you involve your family from the very start, insyaallah you will find that person. be patient. do not put yourself through the torture of relationship after relationship, thinking that's the better alternative. that will ruin you even more."


one point i love but did not include when i shared this on facebook was about choosing a spouse based on looks. it's one of the four criteria listed by rasulullah saw, it must be pretty important right? but why? and how? it's sunnah to look at your potential spouse, to see if the physical chemistry and compatibility is there. to make you feel the affection needed to go on with marriage. to not make you regret it later. best kan islam? heh heh. tapi zaman sekarang tak main lagi la datang tengok bakal bini, boleh merisik online je haha. but the criteria and sunnah still show why looks, while not the most important, still play its part.

what i never heard/read anywhere else before is when he said, we don't need a spouse who looks like the models on billboards, but we need a spouse who can help us lower our gaze. istilah melayunya, cukuplah sedap mata memandang. sebab bila sedap mata memandang, tak payahlah pandang yang lain lagi kan? boleh menundukkan pandangan ceh. so that's how you know how good looking someone should be to be your spouse. if you can look at her/him to guard your heart and nafs, that should be ENOUGH. say when you see a pretty lady somewhere, you remind yourself "i don't have to stare at her, i already have quite a pretty wife myself hehe. i will look at her lovingly once i'm home, siap dapat pahala lagi! oh my god my God is The Most Generous i love Allah i love my wife!" dengan itu dapatlah beliau menundukkan pandangannya, mendapat kasih sayang Allah dan isteri, menambah kasih sayang kepada Allah dan isteri, seraya menyempurnakan separuh agama semua pada satu masa.

happy ending :)

here's the ending of this long post :) ha hepi la tu.

Anti-Kekecohan Pro-Kedamaian Undilah Keretapi

tetibaa.

aku terus terang jela eh kat sini. aku tak suka kumpul ramai-ramai. kalau macam-macam perangai. aku tak suka riuh rendah. kalau berkecah. aku tak suka suasana konon meriah, kalau takde yang tolong nak senangkan yang susah. aku tak suka rumah luas, kalau budak-budak buas. baik aku duduk dalam bilik kecik aku sengsorang, dediam, tenang.

jadi musim raya bermakna musim darah tinggi.

hari lain pun darah naik turun jugak, tapi musim raya sekali sekala ni dia jadi tsunami sikit.

benda ni sangat tak mainsteam dan go against society's norm aku tak heran kalau ramai tak setuju pastu menyampah kat aku lalu aku dimaki berhati keji. aku tak kisahlah k, hidup kau cara kau. hidup aku cara aku. hidup kita lain-lain, keluarga lain-lain, cara lain-lain, aku paham manusia yang suka, jadi manusia kena paham ada sebab aku tak suka.

benda ni bukan aku je rasa, mak aku pun sama.

kami manusia yang sukakan kedamaian, bukan kekecohan. relationship antara bilangan manusia dan kekecohan ialah positive. variable pulak ialah common sense mak bapak dan tahap makan saman anak-anak, antaranya. tapi dua ni memang saling berkait dan main peranan besar la. aku dah bertahun nak je blog pasal parenting ni tapi siapalah aku kan. jap. aku ialah manusia yang membesar dalam kalangan orang besar yang dah bersuami, beristeri, beranak pinak jadi aku perhati, dan aku tau. mak aku tak puas hati, dan mak aku ajar aku. the do's and the don't's. tapi tu lain kali lah. bukan ini kalilah. k lulz.

aku tak paham macam-macam jenis manusia, dan aku takyah pergi jauh pun untuk jumpa manusia-manusia tu. trust me i've met so many types of people and i've seen so many kinds of problems and the best examples are the ones i've lived with. so it's legit.

like i've said before, legit

mungkin aku dengan mak aku dah biasa berdua. kitorang tak duduk berdua je, tapi gaya rumah ni macam dijaga oleh kitorang dua. jadi kira berdua je la ye. lumrahlah bila ramai memang tak biasa. tak biasa takpe, boleh dibiasakan. tapi payah bila ramai, takde common sense, dan tak makan saman. itu kena sabar peringkat tertinggi iman.

mak aku bukan mak-mak dalam tv korang tengok tu. yang bila takde sape, termenung sunyi mengenang ketika anak-anak masih kecik berlari riang, masih di rumah bising bersembang, rindu teringat cucu-cucu, teringin rumah dipenuhi ketawa girang. takde derrr. mak aku sempoi. mak aku tak emo. mak aku tak jiwang. dok sorang? takde hal. kata dia "lagi senang." yelah, senanglah sorang kalau beramai tak memudahkan, kan? mestilah dia ada terkenang, aku tanya mesti mama lagi suka masa kitorang semua kecik duduk sini kan. tapi motto hidup mak aku: nak buat camne, hidup memang macam tu. life goes on gitu. pada dia boleh buat apa pun nak bernostalgia bagai. dia lagi rela stress tengok drama melayu daripada sedih teringat masa lalu. mestilah ada dia rindu, mak aku pun bukanla hati batu. tapi rindu pun tengoklah siapa. baru je aku cakap kat mak aku haritu, aku tak kisah kalau mama ada favourite anak. sebab aku pun ada favourite sendiri jugak. kalau memudahkan, rindulah. kalau menyusahkan, nanti jadi macam peribahasa jauh bau bunga, dekat bau tahi. ha wujud kot peribahasa tu tah aku pun taktau.

tapi aku harap aku jauh bau bunga, dekat bau kasturi. hihi.

mungkin sebab tu mak aku tak kisah sorang. macam aku tak kisah sorang. baik sorang tapi senang, tenang.

atau pun Allah saje bagi kitorang mak camtu, sebab kalau mak aku serupa mak dalam tv, mak aku akan sentiasa emo. kenapalah hidup sekarang lain. kenapalah keluarga tak kekal sama. kenapalah semua berubah. kenapalah anak-anak aku camni. kenapalah anak pompuan aku camtu. eh. selain tu mak aku akan sentiasa peningkan kepala dia dan penatkan diri dia, secara rela dan sentiasa. sunggguh tak baik untuk emosi dan kesihatan. jadi biarlah mak aku ni jenis mak yang tak kisah. asalkan dapat tengok sinetron cukup dah hahah. tapi mak aku baik. kalau dah mak kan. pening kepala pun, penat pun, terpaksa pun, dia turutkan je semua, tolong je semua, buatkan je semua. tak komplen, tapi komplen kat aku la. aku kan orang yang dipercayai untuk mak aku lepaskan tensi. aku yang jadi pening kepala fikirkan dia, penat tengok dia.

same

mak bapak jangan lepas tangan. isteri jangan harapkan suami je, suami jangan semua isteri nak buatkan, anak-anak jangan tinggal tanggungjawab dekat mak. kitorang tak kejam. kitorang tak berkira. kalau semua memudahkan, yakni perihal makanan, kebersihan, kekemasan dan kedamaian, ha sila. buat macam rumah sendiri asal pandai jaga. kalau semua paham peranan, kami akan jadi manusia yang juga suka kekecohan. kecohlah macam mana pun asal terkawal keadaan.

mungkin takdelah kecoh sangat pun, tapi aku dengan mak aku ni, keluarga asas kitorang lah kira, asalnya memang proper. jadi kalau keadaan tak proper sikit mestilah terasa asing di habitat sendiri. abang-abang aku dulu empat orang pun masa kecik, memang terjaga. takdelah macam perangai biasa dak-dak laki kan, ape tah lagi perangai budak-budak yang dijustify dengan alasan "alah biasalah budak-budak." kalau lasak ke nakal ke kat tempat lain. dalam rumah sendiri, dalam rumah orang lain, reti jaga diri. mak aku salu compare keluarga yang dah bercabang sekarang dengan keluarga akar dulu. aku taktau camne mak bapak aku jaga keluarga. aku nak jadi mak bapak sama macam diorang nanti, cuma lebih baik lagi. sebab cukuplah aku dah pening kepala dengan anak-anak orang selama 14 tahun ni, belum anak sendiri. sampai kengkadang anak orang lain buat aku takut nak ada anak sendiri, ha trauma kau. sebab tu dah lama aku suruh mama buat buku. tajuk dia WWMD. bukan What Would Madonna Do. tapi What Would Mama Do.

benda ni bukan sebab kitorang pentingkan diri, tapi kalau kat rumah sendiri macam ni, kat rumah orang lain macam mana? kalau dengan keluarga sendiri macam ni, dengan orang lain macam mana? jaga diri. jaga adab. jaga hati. jaga nama. jaga diri anak tu. jaga hati mak tu. oh ye kitorang buat ni pun demi siapa yang jaga hati kitorang, jadi kitorang jagalah diri diorang. kitorang taknak menyusahkan orang yang tak menyusahkan kitorang. aku jadi camni sebab mak aku jugak. aku taknak dia penat, pening kepala. aku sorang je tau, sebab dia bagitau aku sorang je. pastu aku sorang je tensyen sebab yang lain tak reti faham sendiri.

tahapnya sekarang sampai mak aku pun takde common sense nak tegur anak-anak sendiri ajar anak-anak dorang makan saman. haa. sebab mak aku nak jaga hati anak-anak dan hati dia sendiri. sebab kalau anak-anak cakap mereka tak perlu ditegur pandaila mereka ajar anak mereka camne? dah mak aku yang makan hati. aduh kamon la ma you're the mom here you're the grandma here everything you say will always be right because that's how we're taught in this family the elders are always right so what are you afraid of? kataku jujur dan ada sinis sikit. taulah anak dah lagi besar daripada mak tapi tak semestinya mak takde hak nak ajar anak camne nak jaga anak. mungkin sebab makin besar makin tak makan saman. aku yang darah muda ni, common sense ada, tapi makan saman pun tak sangat la, jadi akulah yang salu bukak mulut, pastu aku kena balik, padahal aku cakap je apa yang mama bisik kat aku, so kau melawan mama la ni sebab kau salahkan aku? benda memang betul, tapi sebab aku cakap, aku lah yang salah. yang paling muda memang kalah sentiasa. yang tua, cakap apa pun betul, menang semua. adat melayu yang muda je kena minta maaf masa raya, macamkan yang muda tak reti sakit hati tak tau terasa. yang tua tak boleh mengaku salah, jatuh maruah! pastu aku sakit hati, masuk bilik sendiri, bukak laptop, online, merempan kat blog, bagitau dunia inilah realiti hidup sebenarnya, penat dah aku cuba jaga nama cuba jaga hati, nah nah nah lihatlaaaaah!

pastu aku rasa cukup sampai di sini saja, bai.

p/s: bila aku dah kata jangan, tapi buat jugak, pastu ada yang menangis kat bawah, aku di atas yang senang dan tenang ni terasa sangat win. kah kah kah. ye aku memang keji. bila aku menulis tak pikir manusia lain tak pikir kali kedua memang aku camni. love me or hate me, biasakanlah diri.

Taylor and Ed Kind Of Night

Look at this music video right here which is just so cute and let's "awwwh" together later

this song is one of the songs which i never get tired of listening to. it has been what, one year? and sometimes i still play it on repeat and sing to it. that will be normal if a song means something personally to you, but this is not the case to me. this is just a song i happened to listen to the first time and thought, meh, but then i played it on again, and again, again, and with every repeat i found myself loving it more and more. there's just something about it which you might miss if you only listen to it only once. you know, when you discover a song you love and that is all you listen to for a period of time until you begin to hate it? i don't know when that will happen with this song so i'm just gonna repeat peat peat until my ears bleed.

anyway, i just found out about this video and it is so cute i just need to share it!.... with my blog. lol. s4dl0if3.

i thought when the kids were dancing, they would evolve to be taylor and ed, dancing. so like the love story started when they were kids and continued until when they were grown ups. but the twist at the end of it! cute. the kids are cute. ed is cute. those two seconds of ed. so priceless. stahp.

i love both taylor swift and ed sheeran. 

wait, maybe i used to love taylor, i don't know. to me her old songs were so much better! i remember when i was 14, listening to her first debut Teardrops On My Guitar. that was such a beautiful piece, along with her other songs of the same era. the songs i could never really get the hang of it, until i really felt it i could cry listening to it. ah teenage years and dramas. taylor used to write in songs what we write in diaries, but beautifully and not with emotional words on tear stained pages. she sang on behalf of us, for us, to us. she used her bad experience for good entertainment, and everybody loved the broken-hearted girl who poured her heart out in songs and shared her heartache with other broken-hearted girls. 

but now people perceive her as a singer who uses guys for her songs, as her songs are inspired by many different guys she has been with and broken up with. fans can actually point out which song is for which guy based on their publicized love story(ies). people get annoyed because it's always the guys' faults. they hope somebody, preferably harry styles would come up with a song like 'Probably YOU'RE The Trouble' instead. after a while who would put up with the same i love you songs every time you get together and i hate you songs every time you break up? poor antagonist guys, while she makes herself look victimized. not to mention, whatever happened to the beautiful lyrics and melodies? to me that is the worst part, as for the matter of the heart, i don't have any right to talk about that. i pity her, she doesn't deserve the hate. you can find a lot of hate online, the jokes are funny, but mean. i love Mean, by the way. but they are mean after she's become famous so Mean doesn't apply here. hm so please be the old you, taylor. you were the girl we all loved once, the girl we love and hate at the same time now, and the girl we all might hate one day. don't be that girl.

since when this blog became one entertainment, gossips, and celebrities blog? and since when taylor swift cared about what we think? as long as she makes millions she can get her hands on any boy she wants and dump them whenever she wants and write songs about them and make another million bucks.

oh and i love ed sheeran. he wrote, and still writes, and hopefully will always write beautiful songs with beautiful lyrics and melodies. why do you think i listen to Little Things? that's the only song by 1D i listen to and like. no, love. i never cared about any 1D's song. because it was written by ed sheeran for a girl when he WAS ONLY 14 MIND YOU. that boy has a beautiful mind, beautiful heart, beautiful talent. yes surprise it was not written by 1D okay. i'm not ashamed to admit i've googled the meaning of his lyrics, like The A Team, because sometimes you can't understand it because it's too deep or because there's an untold story behind it. And they say, she's in the Class A Team, stuck in her daydream, been this way since eighteen. oh btw, in my english class we had ielts listening practice, and it was our first time so to warm us up our coolio lecturer made us listen to Everything Has Changed and Lego House by ed. we had to fill in the blanks on a piece of paper with the lyrics on it. so of course i wrote the answers before she even played those songs on hehe. 

i have many of his songs in my playlist, and i love em all, but i think my most favourite one will always be Kiss Me. I've fallen for your eyes, but they don't know me yet. and it's not even personal! sometimes i only really love the songs which i can relate to, you know, so that's saying something. if i were to list down which other songs of his i love, it will be a long list. another thing about ed, like when you listen to some songs and know it's taylor's, well her old songs at least, it's the same with him. you just know ed. sometimes i have 'ed sheeran kind of night', and all you'd want to do is listen to his sweet soothing voice serenading you. imagine doing that while gazing at the moon through your bedroom window, or alone at the beach... mmm.

this is one of my personal favourites :) his voice sounds so sad :( this song is sad :(

correction: "and then i saw *alice staring back at me" 

all of a sudden i just have to feel guilty about the other artists (artists as in people with real talents who make art, not those celebrities) i love which i never blog about. like it's not fair because ed is in this post but not them. hmmm. when they don't even know about my existence. ama pls.

Nobody Should Ever

okay i take it back.

i will never get used to it. nobody should ever get used to something like that. nobody should ever have to keep a straight face when they are being screamed at. nobody should ever act cool then turn around and lose it. nobody should ever escape into their room because they can't run away from their house. nobody should ever want to leave the house they love because they can't live and love in it. nobody should ever dream of leaving and not returning. nobody should ever stay just because they have no where else to go to. nobody should ever feel a home is not a place. nobody should ever miss their dad that much because things might have been different if he was alive. nobody should ever love their mom that much because she's the only reason they survive. nobody should ever cover their face with their hair. nobody should ever muffle their whimper with their pillow. nobody should ever let their tears dry. nobody should ever be given the second class treatment. nobody should ever see somebody being so loved but feel so unloved. nobody should ever have good thoughts just to justify the awful reality. nobody should ever think of others' feelings when theirs aren't thought of. nobody should ever maintain the good name when the good name hides many typos. nobody should ever lie to themselves that things are better when their eyes prove it is just as bad. nobody should ever wait a minute, an hour, a moment just to let it go. nobody should ever let it go just to not let the world know.

nobody should ever.

Last Child Syndrome and Family Issues

my family screwed me up. i would die for my mother, but they did. i screwed myself up for sure, but they played a part. doesn't everyone's family screw them up? no? they might not even notice how what they did, or did not do, affected and still affects me, but i'm screwed up. this is not a post to announce to the world that my family is horrible. first, no, my family is anything but horrible, yes, they are many things, but not horrible. second, no, i'm not announcing anything. third, yes, this is a post because this is my blog.

maybe i'm supposed to be screwed up, you know? i'm supposed to be screwed up to function normally because that was how my mind, my heart, my soul, were screwed into this body to make me, me. in the instruction module there is a section of screwing me up for other people to operate, so i can operate myself. maybe my family thought they were following the right steps, which they were, but the end result left a bit of a dent and a broken part in me. this is the family i was born into, the people whom i didn't pray for but prayed for me, so they might not be the best, but they are the best for me. had i been born into another family, yes things would have been different, but i would have been different, and the world would be missing out on me. lol wut. maybe, i don't know. but that is the only option left, there is no other what-if. that is the good thought i must have.

today, i would have blogged about the train ride of my emotions, but i waited and now i'm okay. as i get older i realize what a difference an hour, a minute, a moment makes. if you could just wait. all your anger will disappear, all your tears will dry and all your frustration will fade away. if you could just wait. you would spare yourself the guilt of letting your feelings loose, you would spare the person the hurt of your published words and spoken lines, you would spare people the drama they need not to know, you would spare the world the heartbreak of yours and the breakdown of your own.

but yeah. 

being the last will never be good enough. i'm not saying my family is that good, but whatever category they are in, i will never be good enough to fit in. i'm not a good enough daughter my parents deserve. i'm not a good enough sister to whom my brothers used to show their love. who says being the last will get everything? that is why i always try to stay away from the typical last child stereotype, because i don't fit in that shallow cup. other non-last-child(s) are more last child than me, if that makes sense. maybe it's just my family. being the last doesn't mean anything. there will always be someone better, kinder, braver, someone more saint, and whatever you are doesn't matter. all you'll ever be is the one at the end of the line. the youngest who follows the rhythms of the elders. the last shadow trying to keep up, left behind. so you just be you, and you're okay with being you. you love yourself. but there will be times when being just you makes you nothing, but the last. as if the last doesn't have feelings. as if the last isn't able to think. to them. or worse, it might not be to them at all, but only to you. you are nobody to yourself when you are the last.

i will never be good enough. when i make mistakes they amplify, but when i behave and improve silent and oblivion follow by. i'm not asking for praise to raise me to the sky, but i ask not to bring me down when i fall to the ground. my family is accepting... they accept my failures. they are very accepting if i compare them with others' families who keep pushing them to be the best and get the best. who forces them to study, to sleep, to work around, to stay put. mine accepts me just the way i am. but in some other aspects if i slack off, there you go. it's for my best, but i just hope for a better way to deal with my weaknesses and flaws.

i'm not that good, but hey i'm not that bad either. but all i feel here is i'm not good enough but i'm bad enough :(

if only they could see me, at least, the way i see myself, which is just okay.

it doesn't feel like they do.

i'm saying this. i learnt to love myself, not when i'm with my family. but when outsiders love me, and hate me. not when i'm with my family. with them i only feel less and less the person i am. like i have no identity. like i wear the label 'the last child' and nothing more. who i am here, who i am outside, they don't even know. my fault i don't let them in, but that's only because i feel they regard me as nothing more than how they see me, as not a whole other person but only the little girl in the family. and because i'm used to be on my own, i keep everything to myself and that includes my ability to feel and think and write and talk. being the last daughter in my case is just the same as being the only child. i'm used to doing things alone because everybody else has left. even when they are here, being with them surrounds me with what i recognize as power which i can't even say no to let alone defy with my own feelings, opinions and thoughts. i will always be wrong, i will always be told to shut up, i will always stay silent. so powerless and vulnerable i was. i retreat to my favourite place in the world and that was, and still is, my bedroom. my little sanctuary where i could be myself, where i was safe, where i was comfortable. loneliness, is not a problem to me. solitude, is a preference.

it has got to the point that i feel if i'm not here anymore, it won't even make a difference. i don't affect their lives.

it is not their fault, you know. we all make mistakes and making mistakes is not one's fault. maybe it's just the situation. they don't even realize it as i don't talk about it, because if i do, i will be blamed and it will be my fault and everything's just gonna be worse. i am in no position to blame them when i'm in other positions to thank them, when i'm in the position to be able to blame and thank them in the first place. if somebody wants to marry me, hypothetically, they have to marry my family. not because i want them to, but they just have to. marry my family and the screwed up version of me. i don't think some people know that not everyone has a normal functional family. even if they do, not all those families are dysfunctional in the same way.

it was worse but it has gotten better. i'm lucky to be alive to witness the good things. as for the bad things? i'm used to it.

it's not just my last child syndrome though, which leads to family issues. of course there are other children syndromes, and more.

i believe every family has issues. but if yours doesn't, tahniah. thank Allah for one happy family at home. if yours does, thank Allah still for one family at home.

in the end, it's always how you look at it.

i once wrote this and saved it in my personal keeping;

i'm mama's girl. but i'm not a family girl. i go back home mainly because of my mom. home is where the heart is. she is the one who keeps me going back. and that's all there is to that. i don't really talk about my family, unless i have to let you in, and that is if you're the one i'm going to marry. if you're a girl, i can let you be in my life, but not my family, so no. i can't let you know. if you're the guy, i have to let you be in my family because i want you in my life. so yes, but only because i have to. but like how it changed me, it might change you. my life is perfect? if only you could see. i'm perfect? now you see me. i'm made of sweets, spices and bitterness. how would you like a bitter me?

but whatever i've said, whatever i've felt, i won't let anyone say shit about them or what they'll feel is regret.

i know my family. so i can feel and say whatever i want. outsiders, don't. so they can't.

because in the end, whatever i say, whatever i feel, i'll always love them.

in the end, blood is thicker than water, and trust me many things have happened to solute the blood and break the cells, i have had my own fair share of attempts, but blood is always thicker even when the bond is not as strong. in the end you always have to shake hands on eid, no matter how bad your argument is. in the end you always have to exchange a couple of words, no matter how ugly was your fight. in the end you always have to eat at the same table, no matter how long you haven't talked to each other. i guess if love is not in the bond, love is in the bones, the shared DNA, the genes, the blood. like a body, it can't fall apart.

probably because we're stuck with each other. but that's okay, it's better that we stick together.