The train is keeping track

If a week goes by without me having to blink back tears over how unachieved and useless i feel, that week is a success. How has life come to this point? That i have to keep track of how many times i have had these episodes in a period, that i have to check when was the last time i told somebody about this so i can put a long enough gap for my next shared breakdown session. But of course they don't have to know about the breakdown and blinking back tears part. Actually, when i have to stop myself from telling anybody about it, i start writing it here. And it helps. Now i'm back to blogging for the same reason why i started 8 years ago - because i need to let it out. I know this is a public blog, i know this will be read, but i don't care. I'm blogging on my phone now, so it feels simpler and safer, like tumblr. If i were to lash out my emotions like i have done in the past few posts on my computer, i would not have even started typing. Because it reminds me how open and vulnerable i am being on this platform, and this platform ain't private. But i want to write about it here. I want to keep track of how i am feeling and how i am living my life and how, if, it changes. I want to look back and see a week, and then a month, and then a year, went by without me not writing about these episodes at all. Of course i don't blog everytime i have it, perhaps because it is all the time, stirred and at times, triggered. But this track would be enough a record of how one day i will get passed this time and get past this all.

Tell yourself that everyday, maybe you'll be okay

I'm being super superficial lately, and i hate it. Sometimes i don't feel good about myself. It used to be i didn't feel good because i judged myself in term of the quality of life i was living and will live, but now it's that AND the quantity of compliments on my look lol. I was a school girl who knew that my friends were pretty and get all the attention and i was fine with it. It's like i accepted i was the lesser one and it made me sad but i was okay. I was never jealous. Or that maybe those kids just couldn't see that i was special and one day someone will come along and appreciate it. I thought that i wouldn't want to be liked for how i looked, at least if they liked me it was because i had substance. i was kinda proud being me even if i was not bombarded wih superficial comments, the very ones that make me question how people value me today. But back then, it was never a concern because i knew just how petty all that was. Now, knowing is not enough. After school i had this phase during which people thought i was worthy of attention at all, but i didn't want their attention. Now, i'm back to feeling lesser compared to my normal human friends, not even celebrities or instafamous whom i have no idea how they got famous in the first place and i think that's ridiculous hence i'm not gonna contribute to the trend and growing fan base. Anyway, I feel lesser, and its worse this time as i lost that self-confidence and i care about what being lesser. But i know if i were to make this statement out loud some would say i was seeking for attention or they would see that i was too bloody insecure. The latter is true. But i don't want them to see me being this pathetic. That knowledge means that i know i am not ugly and i am thankful for how i look, nonetheless i can't shake off the negativity. Now I have the only attention i want and the only one who matters, but oddly i don't find that enough. Maybe because that person is not myself. I can't see myself that way. I'm trying to love myself everyday, trying harder than ever now, when i can feel loved by another without even trying. That's really weird how things take this turn. When i was alone and lonely i didn't feel like this. Goes to show that the number one in your life is you. If you can't change how you feel about yourself, that sucky self-judgement will always find a way to creep in. So change what you need to be at peace with who you are again. Or try to be more accepting. Now, i'm gonna tell myself that i am the lesser girl and not pretend to be something i'm not, so i can have that peace i had when i was in school. Just accept it, and move on. Live and love.

When I wonder what's normal

Most days I'm okay with what I see, I even like it, and feel I'm doing okay in life - like I can accept me. Some days, small things can trigger me and completely change the way I think about myself - to the extreme. And there are days when I wonder how can those days sway from one to another, like today.

I don't deserve being treated like this

I love me. I feel sorry for me that I think badly of myself, that I am not good enough, not successful enough, not pretty enough. Because I value myself, I don't deserve seeing myself like this. She doesn't deserve this. She is capable and beautiful. Above all, she tries to be kind. And I feel sorry for her that I still think she is ugly and a failure. I don't want to. But how? If I could stop seeing myself so small, I would. Get your shit together ama, because I love you.