From a Speck of Dust

i hope nobody will read this. but i know some will. who cares, this is my blog. my blogger tab is opened, hence. i usually write about this stuff on tumblr. but i haven't written on tumblr for a very, very, long time. i feel bad about that too. but now let's focus on this blog, and make up with it first. blog, i'm gonna spill. tonight, i'm reminded of how bad i've made... guys feel about me. i know it was bad. it was. i could go on about how bad was bad and how could i be so sure, but let's not. let's just say making them feel bad, made me feel bad, that i have shed tears myself. sometimes not because i felt guilty, but because i knew what they felt was genuine and i couldn't give it back. and i realized i couldn't even feel for myself what they felt for me, such feelings... and i cried. most of the times i was careful, but when it comes to others' feelings it's just beyond your control. it was ages ago, so long ago. so i know i'm just a speck of dust in their lives now. but tonight - as a random act of kindness, or i don't know, out of guilt, or simply, completely random 2 am moments for the people i used to know - i pray that they are happy. i do.

My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?

A New Kind of Sad (maybe an old person kind of sad)

Don't ask why i'm still not asleep.

and also, don't ask why i was looking at my blog posts from 6 years back. I just scrolled through them, not wanting to read any. I saw pictures. pictures of myself, pictures of people.

but among all pictures - like the ones when i had my dream bod loool but laughable face lololol - the pictures which evoked the most emotions were of my nephew, ikmal. or known as malmal, here, some years ago. malmal was popular on this blog :')

it has been years since i put on his photos. because he's a big boy now. he's already in school. the bigger he gets, the more different he becomes. not the chubby boy i used to gomol all the time. when he was little he was so bubbly, babbling with his ayu, now he's shy and hard to talk to. we were close. now it's hard for me to get him to talk, for anyone even. i admit i started paying less attention to him, and more to his little brothers. i feel so bad now. ayu has grown up too, apparently malmal, because ayu feels so bad for not treating you like she used to. but hey! you used to love me too!

ayu and opah always wonder what happened to you, because when you knew no word to say, you talked a lot. but now keep all your words in your mouth. is it because you were silent by kewan? is it because you have nobody at home to be your conversation buddy? ayah always complains about how you're so quiet, he must be worried. like me and opah. i have videos of you talking when you couldn't even talk you know...

now ayu gonna cry.

does ayu feel guilty? perhaps ayu should have talked to you more the few times she saw you, and should not have spent all her time playing with her new, bubbly, babbling, chubby nephews - your brothers. maybe if i did that you wouldn't have been so estranged with me... you liked me a lot you even slept with me, and cried whenever we had to part again, remember? but oh well, i didn't see you that much to make an impact did i... nonetheless maybe you would have liked it if i started some conversations with you. maybe i could - should - have done something differently.

i also feel sad, because seeing a kid's photos when they were little, and comparing it to who they are now.. so big and so different, makes me feel so sentimental... how much i loved them at that time, and now that they are big and different, i am indifferent... and somehow i think this is what my brothers must feel when they look at pictures of baby me. they used to cradle me, rock me in their arms, rush back from school to see me, talk to me on the telephone, write me letters, send me presents... they used to love me like that. 

and now, not anymore. none of that. i don't mind, honest. it's just sad, if this is what they feel every time they look at my old pictures, grin and say "you used to be cute." now we don't even talk like we must have done a long time ago. like i don't talk to ikmal anymore the way i once did. 

is it my fault too?

i've started to make efforts though... maybe that's just the way it is. and nothing is wrong with that.

but oh well, chances are they have never thought about any of this. because, well. guys.


and i should sleep.

Random Return

I SAID I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY BLOG

i didn't know i was lying :(

i couldn't imagine life without blogging then... funny how things turned out. scary too... makes you think what kind of person you are. am i gonna abandon something else when i promised not to, like i did to my blog? we'll never know.

tetiba deep.

gawd. okay instead of moaning let's just start writing about something else!

oh my god i didn't even write about the whole time i've been in the UK, about going back to malaysia, and now back in UK again... guys i am sad. help

maybe that's for next time... after i actually start writing again. now, let's start with something... random.

like, RANDOM QUESTIONS! 

(i googled what to write for an hour before i found this)

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

24. I don't even know why. there might be a reason, but unconsciously? lulul

2. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

kindness. everybody needs to be freaking kinder. when you're kind, you'll try to understand better, and if you can't, you'll at least embrace acceptance and practice tolerance. if the whole world is kind there would be no bloody war, gaddamit

3. If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be?

be trustworthy, yet don't trust just anybody. i mean yeah, with pedo case on the rise now, like, why not. it's a good advice!

4. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

i'd kill for a loved one.

5. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yes. i want to let go. but the thorns of regret and disdain, they prick my fingers, piercing my palm and now i'm stuck holding on to it. 

6. Why are you, you?

because i wouldn't want me to be any other way. okla the long answer:

i'm me because i have had strong principles since i was a kid, i don't know where that came from. i'm me because i grew up crying and wanting a different life. i'm me because i still cry at 21 but i don't wish for a different life now. i'm me because i've been hurt and the pain never really left. i'm me because i have achieved things that made me so relieved, and i have also felt so hopeless. i'm me because i have been happy to the point i feel undeserving of it and unfamiliar with it. I'm me because i've had to be the bad guy in some people's stories. i'm me because i have good common sense since i was so young, being aware of things my peers weren't. i'm me because i know myself. i'm me because i'm a potato but a perfectionist, an overachiever but a lazy-arse. i'm me because i've made mistakes and i've been wronged. i'm me because i've lost people and loved others. i'm me because i'm predday darn cool liddat.

here's a random picture

7. What are you most grateful for?

my mother.

now i wanna cry

8. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were really upset? does it matter now?

5 years ago would be... 2010. ahaha i was really upset because all my close friends left me alone for boarding school and there was a period of time when i felt friendless, i'd even excuse myself from class, go to the toilet to blink back tears aggressively lol. on top of that, we had this super dramatic drama involving a teacher, let's just leave it at that. but we were miserable, me and my new friends, for a while ha. i was sad that my boarding school friends would only excitedly talk to each other about their new school, because why would you ask how ama was doing at lembah??? same ol', same ol' right. i remember texting my primary school friend aisyah, during hari anugerah cemerlang when my friends came back for PMR prize giving ceremony. i told aisyah how secluded and ignored i felt, when i had been waiting for that day to come. but it seemed like nobody was waiting to see me. emo. but rightfully so. ku terima banyak anugerah namun apalah maknanya jika rasa tak dihargai rakan. loool. lagi satu, ada la sorang budak ni kan dia sejak masuk asrama kirim salam je nak tanya khabar taknak. aku pun makin emo.

but now... none of that matters :') this time i'm the one who left my friends for uni abroad! but i'm still alone hahaha that's alright mate i'm 5 years older. now i'm all gloriously alone. but friends still 4ever. and the new friends i made 5 years ago? they're my 5ever! budak asrama tu pulak bukan je tanya khabar, benda lain pun dia dah tanya sekarang ni. ama hepi. 

9. What is your happiest childhood memory? what makes it so special?

i don't know which, and i don't know much, but this one comes to mind. i told babah how mama pegang kuat-kuat tangan adik masa jalan. and babah told me, sebab mama sayang adik.

10. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

let everyone read everything i ever wrote, about life, loss, and love.

this feels like the first time blogging again. but i made it!

okbye see you next year LOL

So Much For Maturity

I have the habit of keeping old memories. because i can't rely on my own memory storage, as it has been proven to be unreliable. i keep memories in term of physical evidence. for example: writings and images, among other things. i have vaguely named folders, sometimes using only alphabets.

and i have the habit of going back to old memories, such as tonight.

randomly, a folder titled "BT".

usually this habit evokes feelings of nostalgia, if it doesn't remind me of lessons i once learned from experiences. but tonight, it evokes guilt, and makes me realize of lessons i should learn from myself

i think this is the first time i saw something i hadn't seen before, and felt something i hadn't felt before - and it pointed at me. my fingers pointed at me. it was hard at first, but i then realized this is - a bit ironically as at the time of it happening i claimed to be the mature one - a point of maturity.

i was the mature one; i wanted direction when others wandered, i wanted purpose when others experimented, i wanted exclusivity when others - well, others did have it. but not me. "too young for commitment, too old for games." that was me. that wasn't him.

but tonight, i realized i wasn't really that mature after all! it takes more than being ready to commit to be in a relationship. i played a part as well of it not reaching that stage, and thank god it didn't. even then it was already too problematic - we just clashed on many levels despite having the connection for many years. i had my faults, just like him. although he had more. ok kidding hahahah (no). k sori.

he didn't want to talk - i bottled it up till i burst. he never answered when i asked - i assumed the worst. he was always confused - i was always frustrated. he didn't share my common sense - i shared a piece of my mind. he wanted to talk - i burst with harsh words. he couldn't change for me - i wouldn't wait for him. he said he can't be the type of guy i want - i said that's okay, don't change if i'm not worth it. he asked for time to change - i didn't dare giving. he was no longer worth of my trust - i no longer bothered trying. he wanted to try - i had tried enough. his heart was not set - mine was on fire. he didn't have devotion -  i didn't have patience.

pushing him away was the right thing to do but the way i did it was not. the worst were the words i said with disdain. that was not mature. i even felt i could be the one who's wrong. it actually made me sad reading what came out from my own mouth and imagining how it must have made him felt so bad :( it wasn't always that way, but still, saying things like he didn't care and all. i didn't curse, but i was harsh. the way i handled his immaturity proved mine. we were immature in different ways. we both weren't ready. i can pretty much justify everything i did as listed above, but not my harsh words.

bila baca balik, macam "alahai tak matangnya kau."

i was 17, and now i'm 21. 4 years of changes and i hope, of growing up.

maturity is not about how you are generally. it's about how you're mad or sad as hell but still able to keep your cool; for your, their, and heaven's sake, haha. maturity is not hurting people back when they hurt you. i know that now. i didn't know that 4 years ago.

i'm sorry for being immature. whatever you did, it didn't give me the right to be it.

Well wishes

Yesterday was one of the nights of revisiting memory lane. yes, revisiting. because one visit is never enough, lulz. i scrolled through some screenshots in my old phone. laugh at some, smile at some, sad about some, and um, cried because of some. if you count two sheds of tears as that.

uploaded something on insta, too. and also posted a status of the same subject. hahaha.

I always think of good people who have ever been good to me and wish good things will happen to them, because they deserve it. Wherever you are, whatever you do, i wish you well :)

revisiting memory lane has those effects, you know. it also makes you want to reach out to people who once stood and sat beside you. most of the time, i don't reach out to anyone. i just think about them, and good thoughts come across my heart. i hope they count as prayers. i'm sure they are.

the post and status were not individually dedicated to anyone. nobody was personally mentioned. it was general, and for many people. but there was somebody i reached out to yesterday.

some of the screenshots reminded me of those months, weeks, and days, when i was not okay. really. not. okay. there was a friend who knew because she accidentally got involved in my life's mess, and she tried to make sure i survived. that i ate. that i went out. that i socialized. god even typing this gives me misty eyes. wth ama.

so i sent her this:

good people deserve good things in this world. and i'll be happy when their time comes :)


funny how i surprised someone with such a text yesterday, and today i received a similar message.

i haven't talked to this person in a long time. in fact, we didn't really talk much even on the internet. sure, some conversations, but that's all. are we friends? not in my definition. we were schoolmates who chatted online and smiled at each other in real life. but i think that person is nice to talk to, and we could talk to each other easily, which is nicer. the last time we did was when i was asked where was i now, to which i replied UK and got no reply after that. then today i got this.

i was a bit late in replying, as i always am, and it was really too late this time... of course i couldn't reply, the account has been deactivated. i wanted to say thanks and some well-wishes too :( it was my fault because i took a look at that message and saw the first few words, and did not open it straightaway, like always. i didn't read the whole thing. i thought it was a template message tailored the same for everyone. but it was not, it was a personal message for me :(

you see, this kind of people. i like them. i have a feeling this person said what was said for the sake of saying it; not for my reply. just like a few other people have done to me. they don't care about appearing weird saying such stuffs out of the blue, they just do. they don't care about what i'd say, if i'd be nice back, if it's gonna be awkward. they just say it because they want to.

People who say and do nice things without hoping for response or expecting any return are not only nice, they are kind. In my mind you get a round of applause and a bouquet of flowers... Even if i don't get to show i appreciate it, which is sad. but i'm happy you exist.

that's what i want to do, and sometimes do :)


but most of all. i thank God that some people see the goodness in me - truthfully i don't know where they get some of that - and He hides all that i lack. it makes me feel undeserving, but hey, who am i to deny such blessing? ;)

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.

Twenty and Thankful :)

it's my birthday today, and my birthday present i give myself is... i'm at home!

i've been planning this since last week? last two weeks? what i wanted for my birthday was a day of doing nothing, a day to chill and relax, a day to run away from reality. so i planned to skip class today and tomorrow. class wasn't supposed to be on this week, the lecturers are busy marking trial papers, and all i do if i go to class is everything else except study. so... why not? but in light of the latest information from an informer, i might as well extend this short escape this whole week! muehehe.

yes i just got back from kl to shah alam on sunday night with my bro. yes right after class on monday afternoon i went back to kl again on my own. yes it's crazy. but that's what i wanted to do, so that's what i did. although before that there was some unexpected unwanted incident in which i was being followed by someone i would rather not be seen with... but it's all good. i got back home as planned. after two hours of commuting. after only some hours in shah alam. i was home again. 

today, i woke up in the morning in my own bed, not having to get up and go to class, and it felt good.

but everything else was just okay. or bad, i don't know. but the best was it was okay. the worst was the "ended" of MH370. i shed tears at some points throughout the day because of it. it already started the night before when "ended" gave a whole new meaning but at the same time, the meaning was unknown. i never stop following the updates, i make sure i never miss anything. you could talk to me about it over a cup of coffee or a glass of ice tea and we'd have to refill because i won't stop talking. i will cite what i read from somewhere and tell what i heard from somebody. perhaps another post for this.

that's all i did too, on my birthday. i followed the updates. like i've been doing for more than two weeks. because i care about the case. and maybe because if i didn't do that, i had nothing else to do, and if i wasn't sad about it, i'd be sad about me.

but i lost it anyway. no matter how indulged you are in the lives of others, you can never really escape yours.

i guess i just have to get used to it. that every year, i will be sad on my birthday. the sooner i deal with it, the sooner it stops. let it out, don't have to keep it in. it's not gonna work, it's gonna come out anyway. so let it be. then live on.

what's weird was i didn't feel all this ten years ago. when did it start? last year? last two years? last three? i don't know. but it started and it won't stop. at least, it didn't this year. the last birthday i spent here. which made me sadder because today was just like the previous years, even less, as if i'd be around next year. but then again if i would, it's not like it would be any different, wouldn't it?

for most part of the day i was asking myself what am i doing? nothing.

should i have stayed in shah alam? no.

i feel distant, so i distant myself.

i didn't leave shah alam on my birthday simply to spend it in kl. it's not like i celebrate my birthday here, or have anything special. it's really just like any other day, even less than that maybe. but at least it's better than being in akasia, i assume. or because i didn't want to know if it would be better or worse, that's why i prefer being at home. at least i already know how it always is.

and even then, some sadness just can't disappear.

it's gonna be the same anywhere anyway. so at least at home it will be less worse, if not better.

after i was done being sad for myself, i resumed being sad for the ended flight.

it puts things in perspective, especially on a birthday, doesn't it?

i am luckier than those on board. i am way luckier than those who have loved ones on board.

if i think of what i should have, i'll never feel full. but when i think of what i do have, i'll always feel thankful. thank you Allah. to be alive and to have those i love alive, are more than enough. thank you all for all your wishes.

i appreciate wishes for my year and my life, rather than my day. because i might have "happiness" and "success" and "blessings" and "joy", but i'm not having "fun" or "a blast". 

then again, it reminds me, why is it so important to have a meaningful day in a year when you already have a meaningful life? why does my life have to be based on how good my birthday is when i have many other good days throughout these twenty years? why do i have to mind about what people do for me on my birthday when people have done so much for me on other days? why do i have to bother what i get today when i've already got a lot?

this personal holiday isn't even the only birthday gift i gave myself this year. but at least i can give myself what i want, right?

i have to be thankful for my life, rather than for my birthday, right? there's a lot to be thankful for! :)

anyway, if one year is an indicator of anything, it indicates how much things have changed. what day is better for you to realize what is different between then and now than your birthday? i have changed. people have changed. i just wonder what year will it be when i can count on the constant from then on.

and i hope the constant i have now, will still be here in many years. that's my birthday wish and daily prayers.

so this is me 20 years ago :)

thanks to my mom for giving birth to me and my dad for making sure i was not swapped with other babies by following me from the delivery room to the baby nursery until i was tagged with that pink card to make sure i'm his and it didn't end up like some malay drama hehe :')

like any other day, today is ordinary. but today, i'm twenty :)

it's something big, isn't it?

Old Jiwang Songs

it's Ronan Keating, Brian McFadden, and Daniel Bedingfield kinda night. those were the good things in life. those are gold.

dalam banyak-banyak malam, malam ni jugaklah aku ternostalgia dengar lagu dorang. ternostalgia ye, tak sengaja. dari dengar mp3 lama, tetiba bukak youtube, tau-tau je dah sejam dua aku ulang tengok benda sama dengar benda sama sampai studynya ke mana. nampak tak penangan mereka. hmm ke yang nampak jelas kemalasan aku hmm.

takdela lama sangat pun, adalah dalam 10 tahun. nak lagi lama nanti aku keluarkan lagu 50-an ok? takde hal aku ada je special folder untuk lagu seklasik itu. yang ni semua lagu zaman sekolah rendah. tak mengalami tapi memahami. aku kan punya sifat empati yang tinggi, hihi. sampai sekarang aku rasa tiga lagu ni akan sentiasa jadi favourite aku sampai mati. wah begitu sekali. serious ah. lagu lama memang lagi best daripada lagu baru, tapi lagu-lagu ni antara yang terbest daripada semua lagu. haaa.

marilah bernostalgia sesama.

When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating

The smile on your face

Lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes

Saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.

You say it best when you say nothing at all

this is one of the songs yang memang dihafal begitu sahaja tanpa usaha. tetiba je ternyanyi sama. biasanya lagu lama la yang camni kan, aku lagu melayu mana tah zaman bila pun taktau, sape nyanyi pun tak kenal, dengar sikit terus boleh sambung nyanyikan. misteri bagaimana lagu boleh melekat begitu mudah dalam kepala tapi ilmu dan quran tidak ye. takpe jangan rasa bersalah dulu, meh ke lagu seterusnya hahaha keji. tapi lagu ni cam jahat. i say it best when i say nothing at all? kfine.

jap, Ronan Keating ni hensem gila dah kenapa. masa dia angkat kening bila sebut "the touch of your hand tu", at the word touch kening dia terangkat, weh kenapa.

Brian McFadden featuring Delta Goodrem - Almost Here

Did I hear you right

'Cause I thought you said

Let's think it over

You have been my life

And I never planned

Growing old without you

..........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you

You're almost here

And I know that's 

Not enough

But when I'm with you

I'm close to tears

'Cause you're only almost here

...........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you, you're almost here

(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)

And when I hold you, you're almost here

(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears

'Cause I know I'm almost here)

Only almost here

AKU SUKA GILA LAGU NI. SUKA NAK MATI. FAHAM TAK CINTA. CINTA SANGAT NI.

sampai sekarang aku selalu dengar lagu ni. dulu aku siap bayangkan music video dia. budak darjah empat tuuu. tapi dah memang tahap imaginasi aku tinggi, hihi. kalau aku bayangkan mv, mv aku lagi best daripada mv sebenar. lagu apa pun kasi la, sampai kengkadang i blow my own mind hahaha. kalau aku jadi pengarah dah lama aku kaya aku rasa.

 tengok music video ni, cam sweet kan. tapi try dengar tanpa mv, lagu ni sedih sebenarnya ohh. aku rasa aku pernah nangis dengar lagu ni, padahal takde kaitan ngan hidup aku pun. takdela cubala korang bayangkan! ish.  pasti terkesan di hati lulz. suara dorang main peranan nyanyi pun cam sedih je, dahlah kisah lagu ni pun memang sedih sebenarnya. dorang macam berbalas cakap paham tak, yelah dah nama pun duet kan daaa. 

laki tu sayang pompuan tu tapi pompuan tu tak dapat rasa kasih sayangnya. perempuan tu mintak "let's think it over." laki tu terkejut, eh tapi "you have been my life?" pastu dia persoalkan kenapa sebab "haven't i always loved you?" pompuan tu jawab ye laa memangla kau sayang aku tapi kau takde bila aku perlukan kau, tak cukup setakat sayang je. kalau kau ada dengan aku pun, aku rasa cam nak nangis "cause you're only almost here". you're here, but only almost. not really. akhirnya laki tu faham, dia kata "i never knew how far behind i left you, i'm sorry that i took our love for granted." kali ni dia pulak yang cakap "now i'm with you, i'm close to tears, cause i know i'm almost here, only almost.... here."

dia sedar salah dia, tapi dah terlambat. sedih kan :'( mv imaginasi aku, ending dia sedih tak hepi camni :'(

perempuan ni cantik gila, lembut je muka dia rasa cam aish kau begitu sempurna.

Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One 

I never know what the future brings

But I know you're here with me now

We'll make it through and I hope

You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

...........

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray that you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

pertama sekali, lagu ni terbaik. lagi satu lagu yang tau-tau je dah terhafal chorus menghayati gila sampailah part high pitch yang tak mampu nak tandingi. kedua, AKU GELAK TENGOK MV NI! TERUS TAK FEELING!! sumpah kelakaaar, nampak sangat lagu lama. dia buat macam-macam gaya. tak awkward ke depan camera sengsorang camtu, tengok diri sendiri kat tv camtu. takpelah bang, asal lagu kau sedap. aku rasa lagi power kalau dia just pandang camera dengan mata berair dia tu daripada diselubungi efek guruh dan bayang-bayang siap terpelanting terjatuh segala. tapi okla gak, boleh terasa cintanya itu hahaha. amaran kepada penonton di rumah: untuk efek jiwang maksima, sila jangan tonton music video ini.

lagu ni  menakutkan sebenarnya. amaran kepada penjiwang tegar: jangan nak if you're not the one sangat. "I love you whether it's wrong or right"? heh mana boleh camtu! bahaya lagu ni. bagi harapan palsu. tapi best!

aku paling suka part "i hope i love you all my life" tu, dia sebut satu-satu ;)

these were my childhood. lol. 

kawen nanti nak pasang ah. kbye.

*masukkan dalam list*

Deep Rooted Issues

I don't really think or talk about it, so i believe i'm okay. But once something happens, no matter how small, it triggers the switch in me, and all hell breaks loose. Deep rooted issues. nobody can help me. I can't help myself. It's not something people can see. I'm not a drug addict. I'm not a whore. I'm not a depressed person contemplating suicide every now and then. I seem normal. But sometimes, at times like this, i know i'm not. Something is wrong with me. But i can't be fixed. That's why deep inside i think nobody can love me and i can't love anybody, i know i only love my mom and only my mom loves me. and that's only because she's my mom. She has to love me. i'm her daughter and however bad i am, she loves me because mothers are just programmed that way. she's the only one who's seen the real me, and i don't mind whatever she thinks of me because thank God for this person who will always love me. without her nobody cares about me. It's only my family's obligation to help me. Not because they want to. they just have to. i'm a nuisance. i know it's bad to feel and think this way, but i can't really help it. of course there are reasons why i'm led to feel and think so. If i was somebody else's daughter, my mom wouldn't even love me. Heck, i wouldn't bother about myself too. why would she? why would i? who would? I appear decent but i'm actually defected, at least that's what they make me believe. I believe that i'm broken beyond repair. I'm not worth it, and i don't care. That's why i don't care about people. I won't make anybody love me or care for me, it's either you do or you don't. I won't change or be better just to earn people's affection and attention. that's why when something happens between me and someone, i don't really fight for it anymore, in fact i don't even fight against them, i just let it be. people say it seems like i don't care, and maybe it's true. i don't care because i feel like they don't care about me, so why should i? i don't care about the fight doesn't mean i don't care about them, it just means i let it be because i believe one fine day everything will be okay, everyone will be fine. i'm just tired dealing with shits. i'm tired thinking about people. So many things have happened to shape me to be this way; i'm heartless but easily touched, i'm harsh but soft at heart, i'm egoistic but easily guilty, i don't care but i will think about it anyway, i don't think about people but i still do at the end of the day. people don't understand me and that is a problem, they don't understand that i was brought up this way, intentionally or unintentionally, everything that happened to me made me this way. i find it hard to understand people too, because we're all different, we were raised in different ways, we have different families, we come from different places. but if i care about someone, i try to understand them and adapt to their different way of life. without actually knowing somebody, you wouldn't know how different they are from you, and you can't really do what you're expected to do, and it's surprising when this happens between family members. another irony is i actually love myself, but some people are capable of making me hate myself. and hating yourself is the source of all shits. you feel it's fine that you deserve nobody and nobody wants to be with you. the real you, i mean. the real you that some people say bad, not the good you you seem to be. sometimes i think i'm fine, but they show me how i'm flawed. some people think i'm good, but some see me as someone bad. and those people are the ones whose opinions are supposed to matter, but they don't see me the way i see myself when i love myself. maybe because there's nothing to be loved actually.  i don't even know who i am anymore. am i the good girl? am i the bad guy? maybe because i don't choose to be that way with them. this is not hypocrisy, i just can't be who i want to be with my family. i don't know. i will be okay in a day, or an hour or so, but for now i don't know. like i said, this is some deeply rooted issues. but these parasites do not lead me to do stupid things. perhaps i should have, because maybe only then people would take it seriously and not overlook the matters which changed me. perhaps i should have, so they know something is wrong with me, not that i am the one who's wrong. i''ve been led to believe that if something is wrong it's always me and i'm always the one with faults, that's why i don't care. but i know if they know what i write here, they will feel horrible and i hate making people feel horrible. i always let it show, but i never want to let them know. it's just natural. whatever happens, it will always come down to this. this happened a long time ago it's too late to undo it. someone like me is actually a trap, you know? you see me as harmless, but i have come to believe that i'm worthless. you don't really see what's wrong with me, sometimes i don't see what's wrong with me either, but some people do, and when they do, i see everything is wrong with me and i can't make it right. if people see my eyes now they will think it's the eyes of someone who doesn't want to leave home, but actually it's the eyes of someone who contradicts what she recently said. now she can't wait to return to college. i never think and talk about this unless something happens to trigger the switch because i hate to listen to what i have to say, but through other people's mouths. i know how people see that kind of person, who reveals their devils, fears and tears, and i hate to be seen that way. i never think and talk about it, but once it's triggered, the small matters can be big, not because i make it big, but because it always comes down to this. deeply rooted issues. it's already too deep, you can't find the parasite. you can't cure the disease. it can't be fixed. but above it all, layer by layer, i'm normal. i'm okay. as usual.

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Kisah Cinta Tragis Abangku

pada pagi ahad yang hening lagi sejuk semacam, amatlah best untuk melepak bersantai bergolek berguling dengan mak sendiri. mother and daughter moment, girls talk gituu.

sembang punya sembang dalam satu topik tertentu ni, mama cakap..... "macam uda dengan kak syikin dulu."

maka timbul lah semula satu kisah tragis cinta uda dan dara. gi ambik tisu dulu blog ni takde sponsor tisu k.

dulu masa solat hajat pmr dekat asrama uda, ada sorang budak pompuan ni pandang-pandang aku. tetiba aku jadi watak sampingan kan, eh haruslah ada yours truly interframe sekali. abang-abang aku, eh tak, abang aku sorang je yang keempat tu memang suka gunakan aku sebagai taktik nak pikat awek. dulu jap jap akak ni nak cakap ngan aku, akak tu nak jumpa aku, waddehailll. konon nak tunjuk kasih sayang sebagai seorang abang. abang mithali habis lah tu jadikan aku umpan pancing, tuih. berbalik kepada cerita abang ketiga, ma kata mungkin sebab dia tengok aku comel kot, geram tembam je gemok gebu umur setahun dua camtu. aku memang comel.... dulu. dulu. tabahlah ama dan teruskan hidup. ok.

habis solat tu uda tanya "ma nampak tak tadi budak pompuan yang pandang-pandang belakang tu? tu la syikin" jeng jeng jenggggg. kata aku (yang dah besaq sembilan belaih tahun ni laa bukan yang keciq comei dulu) "mesti ma ni cool mom kan, selamber je uda cite pasal dia. ye laa siap dah tau nama, mesti la citee" hebat abang-abangku. tapi taktaula dorang cakap apa, mungkin kawan biasa jee. jawapan kelisyerr stended retisss gitu! yang kau ni pulak bunyi cam kiah propa dah kenapa, bulan puasa ni ama pls.

aku pun takde keje nak cite kat mak aku pasal benda camni, melainkan dah serius tahap memerlukan luahan, bantuan dan permintaan "ma tolong doakan." bagitau pun crush syok sendiri sesaje. kalau yang bajet serius sudahnya tak, buat malu je bagitau mak. tapi tak tercapaila tahap bagitau nama siap tunjuk orangnyaa. so way to go bro! pastu jangan nak cakap aku gatal sangat, macamlah aku taktau sejarah korang. ternyata akulah paling soleh berbanding kalian kah kah kah k tak ._.

tapi aku taktaulah apakah jenis hubungan yang terjalin di antara mereka. mungkin memang teman tapi mesra, mungkin rasa itu tidak nyata atau hanya ada setelah sekian lama, sehingga apabila sudah terlambat masa, barulah menyesal uda dan dara. entahlah. yang aku tau kisah tragisnya, bukan kisah cintanya. mana tisu mata berdarah baca ayat jiwang sangat.

syikin belajar di mesia dan uda di us sana. tidak tahulah apakah ada khabar yang dibalas antara mereka dua. tapi jelas lagi nyata syikin tetap menunggu uda. ok taktaulah jelas lagi nyata ke tak, sebab aku teringat beberapa tahun lepas mama pernah cite jugak bermula ayat "macam uda ngan syikin..." time tu aku gaduh dengan kawan laki mrsm aku. aku rapat ngan dia walaupun dah berbulan blah dari situ. aku rasa makin lama dia makin berubah, makin pelik, dan aku tak suka cara dia. bukan macam dia yang aku kenal dulu. dia masuk rugby, nak jadi cool, nak cari pompuan. tak setragis kisah uda tapi tragis gakla bila aku ingat balik kisah persahabatan terputus dak empat belas tahun dan ayat drama kitorang. ni kena bukak post baru kalau tak kisah cinta uda dan dara ke mana lak kang, tak habis-habis adik pompuannya interframe.

apa yang berlaku buat aku cakap sesuatu macam "kalau camni takyah kawan dahlah." drama kauuu. pastu dia cam "betul ke ni?" masa tu aku dilemma sengsorang jadi tercerita kat mama aku gaduh ngan kawan pastu cakap taknak kawan dah, dia pulak dengan patuh menurut perintah, eh hello aku pompuan kau laki susah sangat nak faham ke haa?! fight for me la sikit! omagod boys! *rolls eyes* masa tu la mama cakap syikin pernah gak kata takyah kawan dah, uda pun cam oh ok. sudahnya uda balik mesia baru tau syikin tak serius pun cakap camtu, syikin pulak ingat uda memang dah tak kisah. masalah *geleng kepala*

ok uda balik mesia.... dan syikin telah dipinang orang. WHAT?! UDA KENAPA LAMBAT? KENAPA TAK BUAT APA-APA? KENAPA??? HAH?! ma cakap sebab uda tunggu setahun baru keje ngan TNB, dia kan scholar TNB, maka kenalah tunggu kerja TNB. jadi dia tak kerja lagi. dia rasa mak bapak syikin takkanla nak terima dia. baidewei ni zaman sebelum kahwin muda itu mainstream dan nikah khitbah itu hotstuff dan mahar guna ayat quran jewp~

padahal abang kedua aku kawen muda, nikah khitbah, ok tapi mahar takdela guna ayat quran. lek je, hipster gila.

tisu sudah di tangan? teruskan.

hari nikah syikin, syikin call uda nangis-nangis, taknak pakai baju pengantin bagai. uda pulak yang kena pujuk dia. bayangkan. walaupun dah kahwin, dia tak bahagia. walaupun dah anak sorang, dia masih tak bahagia. bayangkannn. sampai.... uda pernah tanya mama kalau syikin cerai, boleh tak dia....?

mak aku, sebagai cool mom, masih cool, dan memberi jawapan yang cool. mama kata, kalau dia memang dah nak cerai, tak boleh buat apa dah dengan suami dia, takpelah. biar dia cerai dulu pastu baru. tapi janganlah dia cerai sebab kita. mama tak kisah, tapi keluarga kita ni ramai mulut puaka, apa dorang kata uda kahwin dengan janda? ok mulut puaka tu aku je tambah. 

masakan tak puaka, kalau tak takkanlah disuruh mama gugurkan aku. nanti keluar cacatlaa, nanti tak sempat lahirkanlaa. aku tak paham la manusia. mak aku dengan cool jawab "kalau nak mati, mati jugak. takyah tunggu mengandung." mungkin dulu dorang rasa mak aku dah ada semua, anak pompuan je takde. bila tau mak aku ada peluang nak dapat anak pompuan, meroyanla kan. sebelum tu bising tak bosan ke empat anak laki, apa ni takde pompuan, tak hebatla semua pendekar je. mak aku dalam cool dia tu mau tak sakit hati dengar apabila puaka berbicara. padahal doa dia Allah je tahu, tu semua kan kerja tuhan. dia jawab takpela, anak laki senang jaga, anak pompuan besar kang payah risaukan dia. pastu bila tau nak dapat aku, bising lagi aik kata dulu benci anak pompuannnn. sabarrr.

masakan tak puaka, kalau tak takkanlah dikata angah dengan kakak ipar aku sebelum kahwin dulu. akak orang jauh, jadi banyaknya balik sini bila cuti. "belum pape dah bawak pompuan balik rumah." bawah batang hidung mak bapak aku jugak! mak aku secool mom mana pun, belajar gak agama, pergi ceramah merata. generasi dulu nampak macam taktau, tak buat, tapi buat. generasi kita nampak macam tau, buat, tapi tak buat. jangan dirisau puakamu itu, nak tegur, tegur, nak kutuk, tak perlu. lagipun abang kedua ketiga aku ni nerd je, apalah sangat nak dibuat hahaha. yang peliknya keluarga yang memang alim, elok je terima akak. ni yang konon alim ni mulut tak beragak. itu belum nikah. apatah lagi bila nikah dekat negara orang, haa ada bahan untuk diperam dengan daging saudara sendiri!

sekarang tengok aku membesar sempurna je kejadian, angah ngan akak pun bahagia je perkahwinan, nak dengki busuk hati lagi? tak payahlah. korang pun ada rezeki korang kan. jaga rezeki sendiri sudah.

masa angah nak kawen muda, mama tak kisah, mama risau je orang mengata. babah kata takpe, biar je cakap orang. jangan lama-lama, nanti dosa kang kita kalau jadi pape. maka pergilah kami anak beranak ke sana. bila dorang cuti balik sini, baru buat kenduri. and the award of cool mom and cool dad goes to my mom and dad :"")

sekian selingan mana datangnya genetik cool ini hihihi.

carilah yang lain, nasihat ibu. uda pun mencari. bukan terjumpa. ni kes memang mencari untuk dijadikan isteri. bila dah jumpa si dia pun berkata dia tak nak main-main, dia nak serius. jadi kalau nak main-main bolehlah cari orang lain. dua-dua memang diset upkan untuk berjumpa kerana keinginan yang sama; perkahwinan. maka mereka pun setuju untuk berkahwin.

di hari tersebut, syikin datang....... ok masa ni aku dan mak aku perlukan tisu sebab mata berair bila mak aku cerita yang syikin nangis dekat wedding udaaaa T____T sampai kakak ipar pertama aku yang jumpa dia pun nangis sekali. mak aku nampak mata dia merah je. ya Allah cubalah bayangkan korang kat tempat dia. aku memang dah bayangkan. serious boleh jadi setting lagu Someone Like You T_____________T

I heard that you're settled down 

That you found a girl and you're married now

masa aku dengar cite ni aku rasa macam nak jumpa kak syikin pastu nak peluk dia. apa tah jadi dekat dia sekarang. maybe the fact that uda got married put an end to her hopes finally. how long was it? if it was since they started to know each other, i would say more than 10 years. and since she got married? more or less 5 years. may it be the closure she needed. as something with no closure always leaves paths for us to wander. i truly hope kak syikin and uda both are happy with their meant-to-be, insyaallah.

that's the thing about jodoh, you never know. it can happen in many ways, maybe

1. like my parents. babah nak mama taknak sebab mama nak kerja dulu, takpe babah tunggu dua tahun babah doa, usaha, cuba ambil hati, siap nazar bagai tak lupa tulis surat pada arwah aki lalu aki pun pujuk mama jadi mama pun nak la akhirnya.

2. like my first bro. jumpa kat us, tau akak tak berkenan tentang sesuatu lalu tipu, tapi kantoi dan ditolak lalu kecewa, bawa diri ke toilet dan tumbuk cermin sungguh drama melayu malah lebih kurang cerita Soal Hati, tapi akak sebenarnya mahu juga tu.

3. like my second bro. jumpa kat mrsm, bersama buat persediaan kat intec, berpisah belajar kat uk dan us, nikah setelah 5 tahun berteman tapi mesra, yang ni kenapa senang sangat ni haaaaaa untunglahhh.

4. like my third bro. jumpa kat sekolah sains, berteman tapi mesra punyalah lama, namun tidak ke jinjang pelamin bersama, berkahwin pada mulanya bukan kerana cinta yang dituai dengan masa ok stahp

5. like my fourth bro. jumpa kat merata-rata hahaha, jadi playboy bertahun-tahun sehinggalah satu hari jumpa sorang makwe dan terasa nak kahwin, mengejutkan satu dunia tetiba je kau biar benar namun begitulah kisahnya.

6. like one story. bertemu di muka buku dan selepas add diapp si lelaki komen cutenya gambar si perempuan tak lama kemudian berjumpa dan rasa marilah kita berumah tangga. ataupun boleh juga dijodohkan keluarga lalu dilamar melalui hadiah kamera sudikah awak jadi isteri saya sampai syurga? eh dah kenapa macam cerita ikon kawen muda Irene Nadia dan Dena Bahrin pula.

7. like a cerita melayu story. sorang makcik yang mempunyai anak lelaki menunjukkan tanda-tanda minat dekat anak perempuan satu keluarga yang dah lama dikenali, tak habis-habis tanya perihal dia dan mak si perempuan pula walaupun main-main je tapi gelak-gelak juga bila mengutarakan idea sama sedangkan si perempuan dan lelaki tak pernah berkawan, dah bertahun tak jumpa, rupa pun dah lupa camne dan bila mak lelaki nak hantar makanan sesaje masak lebih disuruh si lelaki yang menghantar ke rumah perempuan dan diminta pula si perempuan yang mengambilnya........

you'll never know. orang cakap jangan cakap pasal sesuatu yang tak pasti jadi or you'll jinx it nanti.

i hope i can jinx some things.