Dates To Forget

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14.1.2014

i make myself alone before people make me feel lonely.


23.1.2014

Solitary is better than isolation. At least you choose it. Even when your choice is the only option left.


20.2.2014

"Things change. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here."

Spare your care, save your tears. Know your place and nothing will go to waste. Know your place.


18.4.2014

today might not be like how you'd like it to be, but one day it may become a memory. so wake up, move along, carry on.


19.4.2014

Nobody knows what happens behind close doors.


21.4.2014

if you ask me now what do i really want? to just get it done and get out of here. leave this place, so long everyone else. it's easy to leave when there's much to heal and not much to miss

everyone was happy, and then there's me.

"ama, you lose one, you gain one." i know. but i dont like to lose things... or people. not like this at least. not for this reason.

keeping things inside is exhausting. appearing okay is not effortless.

i'm sorry if things are not okay. maybe some things aren't meant to be okay the way we hoped it would.

i always said bad times and places are bearable with good friends. then Allah wants to teach me a lesson. i learn that friends are a variable more unstable than i thought it was. your constant is always going to be only you, and God. remember this, before He reminds you through a test when nothing else is left. except Him.

when i was alone then, it's a choice. now, it's forced.

21.4.2014

Where i feel the most friendless is also where i experience friendship the deepest.


22.4.2014

i'll never forget the smirk on your face and the words you spit when insults were disguised as advice.


24.4.2014

i thought i knew people. i thought people knew me. it turns out we we wrong about each other.

God gives me tests when i'm about to sit for the most crucial exam. i dont want to think about things but i have to. what do i want? to just get it done and get out of here.


24.4.2014

God is testing me with trivial matters with temporary consequences when an important exam with permanent results is approaching.

But i believe in barakah. So everything is essential and i can't escape anything.


25.4.2014

When husnudzon is returned with hypocrisy. Patience is returned with pretense. Trust is returned with treachery.

We turn to Allah.

The moment when you can't even speak your prayers, you just feel it. You realize you're not even praying, but thinking of The All-Knowing. Because at that moment that's all you can do, and in the end He's all you have.


26.4.2014

when something happens to me, i think of anything i did to deserve it. if i deserve it, i pray to god to help the people i wronged to forgive me. but if i don't deserve it, i pray to god to help me forgive them.

when people hurt me, i keep justifying for them, reasoning their mistake, when they easily judge me for a mistake they easily believe to be mine. why? maybe denying is better than doubting. maybe the truth hurts and excuses give more comfort.


26.4.2014

ok enough. dry your tears, numb your fears, deafen your ears. keep your heart in a box, put your head in the game. get your shit together. what hurts now is nothing compared to what will hurt later.

"no matter how you feel, GET UP, DRESS UP, SHOW UP and never give up." be cool and look okay. cos baby, that's my forte.


30.4.2014

Falling out of place in the end is worse than feeling out of place in the beginning.

I've locked it in, and i won't let it out. Break down, then chin up. Because once you put on a mask, it's an easy task.


9.5.2014

just because i don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't trouble me. i just don't tell people things, let alone talk about people, to other people.

9.5.2014

Remind me why did i bother when i already knew nobody did?

Pretending to care is better than appearing not to give a shit. It's not an act. It's only tact.

At least have some decency to show acknowledgement even when we don't feel any appreciation, even if we really couldn't care less.

13.5.2014

a friend who is friend with you halfheartedly is better than a friend who is two-faced.


17.5.2014

the first time it happened i literally packed my bags and left. this time is not as brutal, but the betrayal i felt, my god, the betrayal.


22.5.2014

can i tell my best friend but i wont say names
nope
can i tell my mom but i wont say names
nope
ok i guess i'll take it to my grave.

thats how i deal with people's secrets, especially the serious ones.

to outsiders what should be done might be obvious but to one involved, not so much. because often things are more complicated than they seem and there's so much more to it than you know. so when someone tells you something, you have no right to tell other people about it. even if you mean it well. you dont know what damage you'll cause, whose heart you'll hurt.


24.5.2014

Telling people about your problems with other people doesn't validate your side of the story and doesn't victimize yourself. If anything, it tells them more about you than the people you talk about.

Expressing your emotions and backbiting are two different things.


25.5.2014

i wouldn't trust anyone who tells me other people's secrets.

yeah it's interesting to listen to, but should you be telling me this?

if they tell you the super top secrets of other people, why would you think you're any exception?


25.5.2014

from as far as you can remember, you've always known not to easily trust anybody.

but then sometimes you think oh it's actually nice letting people in, opening up, it feels good to have somebody to trust. there must be some exception!

nope. there hardly is any.

but it's the same cycle. don't trust. trust. oh shouldn't have trusted. never trust again. but maybe it's ok to trust this time. oops i did it again.

uh it never ends. but now it must.


26.5.2014

i am all lost and i lost it all.


3.6.2014

I say it's my choice - i choose the only choice i have.


5.6.2014

if i were you i wouldn't easily believe everything people tell me. this is not bersangka buruk that they are lying, this is bersangka baik that there's a misunderstanding. how can you judge anything without being the one facing it, feeling it, or at least listening to every side, knowing the whole story?


5.6.2014

it's not the thing that was done. it's the trust that was broken. the betrayal felt.


5.6.2014

when you don't belong, you will be lost. you want to be lost.


5.6.2014

i thought i was already numb. but i still succumbed.


5.6.2014

you're dealing with somebody who took at least 5 years before calling a girl her best friend and would want to be with a guy for at least 7 years before marrying him.

i don't throw labels around. at least not easily. because labels are misleading. because labels don't always stay true to the meaning. because labels aren't permanent. what i call you is not as important as what i feel for you. what i don't declare doesn't invalidate how i act and what i do. we know what we know and ain't that enough? of course, with commitment and consistency if not certainty? all these labels are what usually cause a mess in the first place. even without it, things are messy enough.

nobody owns me and i don't own anybody. not even my best friend. so you are free, as i sure should be. we all can be friend with anybody, we all can be with anybody, we all can be anybody. and we all can also not be what we used to be.


6.6.2014

I retreat, i hide, i don't tell anybody anything, i don't feel like talking, but i realize once somebody needs to talk to me, that's when i'll go out of my hiding. I'll be there.


6.6.2014

i usually don't tell people what happens between me and other people. break my heart? betray me? bitch about me? lie to me? lie about me?

i could, as venting. i should, as warning. but i wouldn't. for many reasons.

i think i might deserve it. i feel i am the bad guy. it might be my fault. i make excuses for them. i justify for them. i take it as a lesson. i myself make mistakes so i won't make a fuss about the mistakes of others. i feel guilty to talk about them. i'm worried if i end up backbiting them. and above all else, i assume they wouldn't do the same thing to me.

how disappointing, how sad, and how heart-and-trust-breaking to know that i was wrong.


6.6.2014

Choosing to be alone is better than being forced to feel alone.

16.6.2014

I've always been someone who treasures good times to make good memories. I even become sentimental as the memories are being made, at the time it's happening because reminiscing it is something i anticipate.

But i know life ain't always about the good things. Whenever i realize this, that i don't belong to a moment or a place, i tell myself "maybe i've had enough in the past, or i'll have more in the future. it's other people's turn and i have mine. just not now, not here."

It's not always easy, but i tell myself it's okay. Just make the best of what i have left.


27.6.2014

You thought you know people and people know you, untill stories from all sides start spilling. then there's some who think they know enough when they don't at all, just because they know you virtually, or the version of you with the wall.

That person you say with emotional issues? There's more they keep inside than what they show, you don't know their lives so stop saying you know their flaw. That person you see with attitude problem? They're the ones who love the most, the most honest in their harshness, you don't see their heart but it is the softest.

Even if you know people, you don't really know them, and they you. In this case, i'd rather have emotional issues than a rotten heart, and a friend with attitude problem than one with two-faced pretense.


13.7.2014

it's better to be the bad guy. because it's easier to deal with what you do than to wonder how could this happen to you. it's harder to be hurt.

let me do the hurting because i don't want to be the victim. let me be the bad guy because i don't want to be victimized.

but apparently, plot twists shock even the 'antagonist'.

i wouldn't do that to you, why did you do that to me?

i just feel so hurt and betrayed. these were the ones i trusted.

 delete

Flying Off #2: Farewell Friends

since i don't think anyone would be eager to read my life story and in this case my road to UK, so i'm writing it at my own pace... can ah? can. nobody wants to read it, but i do. the sole purpose of me blogging now is so i can read my own blog. ~very da vain~ ~narcissistic much~ ~syok sendiri~ what's that? eh suka hati akula. banyak sebab kay baca blog sendiri. tu la orang taktau. ce muhasabah sikit. hm. ok so since my own pace is one thats hella slow, i'm blogging about things which happened like, three months ago. heh. it's not how fast you go, as long as you do not stop. lulz.

did you know, that i actually had doubts about flying? dahlah sekolah rendah lagi dah berangan stadi obesi. dahlah cuba berusaha sejak dulu masa orang tak kisah pasal masa depan kau dah kisah sangat. dahlah malas tahap apa i no kid you but yes i struggled despite the kemalasan with the help of nescafe, last minute adrenaline rush, genetic composition LOL, miracles, luck, and alhamdulillah sister, doa. dahlah kawan-kawan dan cikgu-cikgu pun tau kau nak fly dan nak kau fly. dahlah masuk intec yang buat hidup tunggang langgang dari segala segi tapi berjaya keluar dan masih hidup. dahlah keputusan pun lepas masa orang lain berjuang untuk dapat peluang lepastu boleh pulak nak ragu-ragu jadah. dahlah dahlah dahlah infinity. jadi tau tak tahap mengarut dia camne bila boleh pulak nak fikir dulu nak fly ke tidak?

pebendala ama.

sampai mak aku pun kata, Allah pun konfius dengan budak ni. dulu mintak kemain, sekarang Aku dah kasi taknak pulak? hahaha. mama pun tak benti doa sejak dulu. aku pun. dua doa sejak kecik yang konsisten: 1. untuk mama 2. untuk dapat the best result in every test and exam in order to study overseas. and after everything won and lost, i dared to have doubts? hahAHAHah.

tapi ma, rasa berat nak pergi ni pun sebab mama jugak salah satunya. i legit asked if ma felt berat hati to let me go, i wouldn't. because before i went to mrsm, which was what i also wanted since forever and i was only 13 to want something that much since my version of forever, i felt berat hati and ma apparently felt the same thing. then tadaaa, i left mrsm 7 months later. but ma seemed to be at ease this time. despite makcik-makcik's and pakcik-pakcik's doubts about mama letting me go, mama didn't have any doubt. so shouldn't i.

another thing is, i didn't feel i deserve it. when i want something, i must get it. once i get it, i don't feel i deserve it. afraid to rejoice. fear that bad things will take place. the classic case of feeling undeserving. as always. i still don't deserve it. but Allah is still the Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. it's not just about flying, it's about... um, some other things as well. which i had always wanted, and i finally got it. but i kept asking, why?

"Kenapa tetiba kita dapat semua yg kita nak?"
"Sebab ama dah lama tak dapat apa yg ama nak."
:')

Just have faith. As always.


Don't worry too much ama, the future is the future. whatever will happen in the future should not influence what happens now, just as what happened in the past shouldn't. live in the moment!

and i've never been much of a living in the moment kind of person. well except when i'm procrastinating and become blind to the consequences of my action, or inaction if you may. but the rest of the day, i'm always living in either the past, or the future. like now. the past disappoints me and the future excites me, and i'm always living in between. but thats not for this post.

i told myself to accept whatever that will come, and for now my chance came. so i accepted it :)


the photos for this post are of me and my friends in our little farewell get together :")

Hari Hipster

the first one was with C1 Chicks. geli tak? geli sebab nama tu aku yg bagi. hakhakhak. good friends, good food, good place to take pictures, good looking waiter... what else not to love about Lapis Cafe? dahlah lama gila duduk situ pastu bising pastu bergambar sakan. nasib baik tak kena halau.

thanks melah, peqah, nawa, hajer, wani :) thanks melah sebab kasi Amalina's Survival Kit yang comel comel sangat isinyaaa. masa kasi tu melah yang sebak, lulz. pastu masa balik pun peluk peluk melah sebak lagi. because it was the last time i saw them, or so i thought. but for those yang belajar jauh, memang the last time lah. bye :')

you girls went to boarding schools, leaving me alone. now i'm going to uni, leaving you, still alone too. pray for me :( since form 1 till 5ever!

but before that,

HAHAHAH

this is what it means by growing mature (girly) together. haz and i killing time because we arrived like, hours early. which was no problemo because we spent an hour in the car being bimbos. just us girls turning up the radio, trying on make up, taking selfies and stuffs. 

it wasn't obvious because we were going for the natural look... ok... we tried...

OK IT WASN'T EVEN MAKE UP! HAPPY?!

then peqah and wani joined us in, as haz called my blue baby, 'kereta bimbo ama'.

before that aktiviti berbimbo dibawa ke luar dengan meminum Boost (bukan booze) sambil mendengar girl talk wani. jarang jumpa. setahun adalah dua kali purata. sekali jumpa terkeluar semua cerita hahah. sebagai ama, gua dengar je dan tolong bantu mana boleh :3

tapi ama juga perlukan bantuan. dalam kereta bimbo ama inilah ama dapat tahu yang sebenarnya apa dia buat selama ini salah!!! :O ogod what have i done, said ama to herself... sepatutnya... tak patut. tak patut ama guna sabun badan untuk sabun muka. hahahaha. all the girls be like "amaaa!! kenooot! rosak kulit muka nanti! stahppp! nooo!" mana la aku tau??? or aku tau. tapi takdela ambik serius. taula nak cuci muka kena guna pencuci muka. tapi selama ni aku guna sabun badan je ok wat... taktaula pulak tak boleh sampai begitu sekali. ya. sebenarnya aku cuci muka masa mandi dengan sabun badan, sue me. kalau aku cuci muka bebetul guna pencuci muka pun, adala seminggu sekali. dua, tiga kali kalau rajin. kalau tak memang main redah je. lecehla kena cuci muka hari-hari, tahu? sabun jela sekali masa mandi? kan cam baby. hakhakhak.

aku rasa aku pakai cream dengan compact powder pun dah cukup effort. toner, moisturizer, pebenda tah lagi tu semua... malas la k. malas. ada orang lagi la kuar rumah tak pakai pape. i mean, tak pakai pape kat muka. hm. tahla, aku rasa tak selamat letak macam-macam kat muka. untuk kebaikan kulit pun, chemical jugak semua tu. ke camne? ke aku taknak muka teruk bila tua nanti sebab pakai bebenda tu, tapi sebenarnya muka akan jadi teruk sebab tak pakai? argh dilemma. lulz.

somebody research this for me please. by research i mean get in the lab and experiment it yourself :3

then i met these girls at school :)

 

i was at school to see my teachers, and ah. it felt good. to talk to them, and thank them. sat in the lab and ate at the canteen with the girls like the old days. at first we thought it was going to be our last time seeing each other, so this was like the goodbye hugs. they were going somewhere without me sobs. i had to go shopping right after that for things to wear on the next day: the pre-departure program. we had to wear what we'd wear on the day we'd fly off, uuuuu. lol.

a few times they asked me betul taknak ikut ni? they even told diena to go with me hahaha sebab, kamon ar, jumpa sekejap je?? aizureen pun macam, takkan camni je??? takpela, i said. you girls just go. if you come with me or i come with you nanti gelabah terkejar-kejar pulak tak dapat enjoy pun. bye, toleh belakang pandangan terakhir sambil sambung menapak ke bilik guru :')

but who were we kidding. then i got a text from aizureen. so we went out on another day.

kalini puas la sikit, dapat makan-makan, gossip-gossip, sembang-sembang...

dan aku takkan lupa soalan pejah "panjang ke pendek?"

HAHAHAHAHAH I COULD CRYYYY OMG PEJAH PLS

dah habis makan-makan, gossip-gossip, sembang-sembang kat kl festival city, balik sambung pulak kat wangsa walk. hahahah kan aku dah kataaa muka kitorang ni pegi la mana pun, last-last wangsa walk jugak tempat kembali. wwm sentiasa di hati.

time ni ada aizureen, diena dengan aku je. sembang kat kafe sampai malam. ni sembang serius. sembang masalah hidup selama tidak lagi hidup bersama ni. sembang hal stress tapi gelak sampai hilang nafas. dalam beberapa jam, sempatlah disimpulkan walaupun tak semua. walaupun tak macam dulu. tapi jadilah. rindu :')

Siang gelak2. Malam deep. Cuba bukak cerita dua tahun dalam beberapa jam. Tak dapatla kan, tapi puas. Dengar cerita kawan yg dah lama tak dengar cerita, yg dulu masa sekolah hari2 tu jelah keje kita. Kat kelas sembang, kat lab sembang, stayback sembang, online sembang, bila je tak berborak cuba cakap. Sampai keje tak siap hahaha. Rindu.

You guys gave me the best last memories of high school. You were there when i thought i was all alone. Who would have thought we'd be friends like we were after our friends were gone. Who knew we'd share secrets and stories like we did. thank you :)

yes, i have two different groups of friends from high school, and they're all the best. different people in different phases, with different me and different stories, but i love them just the same. friends from high school, there's just something about them. or something about you, the old, younger, different you. that makes the friendships worth your ego, worth the pain. because sometimes it can't be all rainbows, there's gotta be a little rain. it's worth it.

enough friends for a lifetime :)

Amalina's Survival Kit: you and your prayers ;)

Enough

I imagined telling someone about my life and the people in it. I talked about my friends and their lives. Then I talked about one friend. And I started crying. And I was still crying. And I am still crying. And I don't know why. I didn't know why, so I told this friend of mine, for real, not in my imagination, of this sudden weird emotional episode. She said:

"Sebab ama dah berjaya go through it."

That made me cry harder. It was raining outside and I was sitting in a corner (because I was charging my phone lol), but just imagine the dramatic scene. oh ama.

I don't know what I've gone through, surely to cry like this and to hear that make me feel like it's all an overstatement - of whatever it is I've gone through.

But I do know something. That now, I feel enough. This life is enough. These people are enough. It's enough. Now, just enough is already too overwhelming, and that's a good thing.

Is it bad that I want nothing more? I need nobody else? I know I don't know what will happen between me and the people I love, but I don't have to let other people in just for that sake, do I?

It's just me, to not want to talk about my life. It's just me, to not want to tell even the people I love about my life. So nobody has to come to me and ask me for my life story, right? I'm comfortable this way. This is what I choose. Because I like it. And I like the people that are already in my life. Inner life. I know berkawan biar seribu, but honestly, I'd rather have those that I know I'll always have now, insyaallah. Instead of making new ones and ending up losing some. It's not many, but enough for me.

I never want to be too close too quickly to anybody. I'm not this way because I'm lonely or I have nobody or I need somebody or something like that. No, I'm fine just the way I am, thank you.

I'm still not sure what made me cry, whether it was sadness, happiness, gratitude, love, or all of the above.

But now, I think I have an idea why.

demmit, hormones.