To Leave and To Miss

let's parday and starday!

or, you know... the other way around....  whatever you prefer

well i know my right order heheh

despite my last two overly-attached daughter posts, i really want to detach myself. being detached is good, but feeling disconnected is not. well, i'm already feeling as disconnected as it gets, that's why i choose to get myself detached.

a line from Taylor Swift's White Horse always floats in my mind:
"This is a big world, that was a small town."

i've spent my life in my hometown for... my whole life. yeah. except for some months away. don't get me wrong, i don't mind living in the same old place. i'm not really the free-spirited bird who has to fly away from its flock exploring the sky. but i do mind being among the same old people. before college most people in my life were the ones i went to school with, from first grade to senior year in high school, who are all from my hometown and in some way or another are linked to each other and you just can't get away from them even after school ends because my small town makes it such a small world that you want to see someone but ends up meeting other people. that's one reason. what's weird, or not weird considering the circumstances, is that i also already mind being among my college peers. all in all, this feeling leads to one thing. 

i need to escape some people. i need to find new people. i need to meet someone new.

of course, if i leave, oh, God, please, when i leave, there are people whom i never want to leave behind, whom i want to leave, whom i never want to see again, whom i will want to see for the last time, and whom i will miss.

the people i will miss will make it harder to leave, but there is a quote, saying this:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

however, i do not want to focus my purpose on wanting to leave, because that is a bad energy. no matter how true. no matter how many times i've said "f this shit i'm so gonna leave y'all, i'm so gonna leave you." i want to think of the good times i will have and the good memories i will make and the good experiences i will gain and the good people i will meet. oh yes i know life enough to know the stormy clouds don't let you out of sight for a sec, oh no they never. especially in a new place with new people. a new place so far away from bittersweet home, new people so unfamiliar unlike my beloved mom. but the good ones, hopefully, will outweigh the bad ones. hopefully, it will be better.

i just wish everything will be fine.

that my plans and His are aligned.

Allah, please, make my dreams mine.