The Surge

I'm having homesick surge right now... all of a sudden.

not really, i've been having the feeling of wanting to go back home for a month or two now. just to go back home and see my mom. just to see my mom. just that. i don't know why and i can only pray that because it can't happen now, and if it won't happen sooner, it will happen later when the time comes. i just want to see my mom.

have a chat, bake and cook together, listen to her talking, just chill in front of the tv, me taking her out anywhere for a meal. the simple things we always do. at least to see her all alright, that would be enough. been feeling that for a while now, but tonight it's waterworks and all.

i really can't afford to be homesick right now, i have a deadline to catch.

i hope it's all hormones and tomorrow it will be gone.

Flying Off #1: Result A-Level

dah dua bulan aku dekat UK. so hai!

ok am i the worst blogger or what?

aku pun taktau macam mana aku boleh hidup berbulan-bulan tanpa kongsi berita gembira ini dengan keretapi yang selama ni tahan je dengar cerita hidup aku. it's not that i've stopped blogging. i was still blogging without actually blogging. tengok fb tengok insta lah hahaha. if anybody's wondering why it's hard for me to stick to one or two lines while updating status and uploading photos, like normal humans - this is why. i love writing and i miss blogging. kesah hape aku aku buat blog post dekat tempat tak sepatutnya pun. kau kisah, kau takyah baca. eh ke lagi kisah lagi nak baca? aw thank you *blushing*

if you have my social media accounts, you'd pretty much know what's up with me. aku tak connect blogger dengan fb sebab... aku nak keretapi ialah keretapi. privacy. facebook ialah facebook. juga privacy. tapi ada yang dah ikut blog ni berzaman, sentiasa beri sokongan dan layan aku meroyan (ada ke? hikhik) sampai aku rasa jika wujud spesis ini, aku patut jadi kawan fesbuk mereka. tsk. sebab aku rasa bersalah, dan sebagai tanda penghargaan. pergh bajet gila kau ama.

kalau nak kasi, kasilah. i add u u app i k :3

aku yakin keretapi dah masak sangat dengan kitaran hidupnya. aku tangguh blogging - bertimbun post untuk diblog - sampai tak terblog- aku taktau mana nak mula - aku makin malas - aku tangguh blogging lagi - dan ulang. ulang sampai tak blog berbulan-bulan :')

aku rasa keretapi pun dah makin sedar diri bahawa peranan hidupnya sekarang ialah bila aku nak blog benda yang tak boleh dibebelkan di fb, dan juga terlalu panjang untuk dibebelkan di fb. kat fb aku post satu status yang samar-samar kisahnya, kat blog aku cerita sedalam yang sanggup. kat fb aku upload satu gambar, kat blog aku terangkan kisah di sebalik gambar. haa gitu.

tapi paling penting, once you go blogger, you cannot write shorter. ni mukadimah je dah panjang macam apa.


mungkin dah boleh mula cerita agaknya.

sehari sebelum result a-level keluar, aku kena pergi court. sebelum pergi court, aku pergi makan-makan dulu dengan ajk reunion sklk. dalam satu hari tu, semua boleh rasa. seronok dengan kawan-kawan, serabut pasal mahkamah, dan kecut pasal result.

 pergi makan-makan sebagai ganjaran dan sebab malam reunion tu kitorang tak makan sangat pun sebenarnya :')

tapi kena balik cepat sbb nak gi court sobs. kata kat dorang ada hal family, baru dorang lepaskan aku :'(

giving a statement in court at 20, that certainly adds up to life experience. right after i got home, i straightaway went out. driving mindlessly and aimlessly as if i could drive away from reality and never have to think about real life again. court? never happened. result? won't ever happen.

while driving, dapat pulak satu berita dari insider bahawa... ini ialah result alevel paling teruk sepanjang zaman. dia berkias je kat group wassap kelas. orang ingat dia bergurau. dia hanya mampu gelak. aku wassap dia personal. sah. sah terteruk. dia bagitau aku apa dia tau. ok, aku dah tau cukup. cukup untuk buat aku sembunyi dalam gua taknak tengok dunia esok. tapi takpe, sekarang aku dalam kereta. teruskan memandu. kuatkan lagu. sing along baby. tengok langit. lupakan yang lain. pegi jj. beli coolblog bagi sejuk hati. beli bahan buat cookies as distraction. drive some more. balik rumah.

esoknya.

bangun pagi tetiba demam.  ah sudah. demam panas. ini serius. aku jarang demam. ini demam yang betul-betul demam, paham? sakit kepala, panas mata, takde selera, mulut pahit, terbaring je, mengerekot bawah selimut, tido. terus tak fikir pasal result hahahah sebab memang tak mampu nak fikir! masa tu dah tahap lantaklah. terjaga, tengok jam, tido balik. sampailah detik boleh cek. tu pun aku taknak tunggu dan nak sambung tido je. nanti-nantilah. demam tahap apa ni sampai ama boleh berkata begitu? misteri. tapi sebab ada orang suruh cek... ok, ceklah.

aku tak cek result, sebab belum lagi. aku cek uni dulu, sebab uni dah tunjuk kita diterima ke tak. cek pon kat fon je. sekali terbeliak mata. terduduk terus.

CONGRATULATIONS? YOUR PLACE AT UNIVERSITY OF SHEFFIELD HAS BEEN CONFIRMED?

biar betul. aku diam dulu. tu dahlah first choice aku. firm university. bukan insurance. takkanlah.

dup dap dup dap gak masa tu. ok tak. dup dap dup dap sangat!

aku tak ingat sama ada aku bagitau mak aku atau tak. it's typical of me untuk tak bagitau dulu selagi tak konfem, tapi aku rasa masa tu mak aku datang kat katil orang sakit aku, suruh aku makan ubat ke apa tah. and i think i just blurted it out. "tapi tak konfem lagi ma, taktau result."

university konfem, bukan edexcel konfem. apatah lagi jpa konfem.

"yela kot tu. alhamdulillahhh," kata ma. aku taktau nak kata apa dah. taktau nak rasa apa.

lidah takleh rasa, hati takleh rasa gak ke? tapi ni takde kena mengena dengan demam rasanya.

masa tu demam entah ke mana. terus tertunggu-tunggu nak cek result. dah boleh cek, terus cek.




konfius. tapi kelakar. tapi syukur.

aku dapat cukup-cukup makan. 12/15! tapi sheffield nak 14? is it possible yang overall result sangat teruk sampai aku pun diterima masuk? konfius. aku siap call sheffield beberapa hari kemudian. dorang kata yes, there's no mistake. they want you for some reasons. walaupun aku tak lepas 14, mungkin dorang masih terima aku sebab... orang lain pun tak lepas 14? orang lain yang buat alevel edexcel la. alevel cambridge taktau pehal semua macam bahagia berjaya je. tp kitorang... tsk. betul kata seorang kawan, masa aku luahkan kat dia malam sebelum dapat result. dia dah dapat result IB, dikatakan batch dia pun paling teruk, tapi result dia ok. katanya doa, biar kita bukan antara yang teruk yang dikatakan tu. kalau teruk pun, tak teruk mana.

aku dapat A mathematics! waaat??? and 100% for C12?! kelakar kkk. maths yang susah nak mampus aku dah macam mayat hidup lepas jawab C34. and my C34 wasn't that bad too! lagi kelakar..... aku dapat C psychology?! tak pernah wey! apa kau nak wahai pemeriksa kertas?! betul kata insider semalam, result macam tak belajar pape sepanjang dua tahun. macam kita yang salah belajar selama ni. taktau la mana silapnya. rupa-rupanya rata-rata semua slack kat psych. we're talking about E here. wallahualam, i don't know what happened. satu-satunya yang konsisten ialah economics, B. hahaha. psych yang selama ni aku harapkan, itu yang paling teruk. maths yang aku tak hairan kalau E sekalipun, itu yang paling baik. wow.

but i made it. syukur. syukur ya Allah. masa tu masih tak terasa apa-apa, kecuali syukur. happy pun tak. hanya lega. macam biasa. alhamdulillah :)

result a-level: ABC. dalam turutan subjek paling hancur selama ni sehingga ke subjek yang kononnya paling bagus. gila ironi.

aku tak malu nak bagitau result ais batu campur ni sebab, this is life. straight A memanjang, sekali ambik kau. keputusan beraneka abjad. sekali je dahlah k, jangan banyak kali lak. sekali sekala pun taknak :'D

aku tak tanya result orang lain. orang lain pun tak tanya result aku. aku berhubung dengan sorang je, tu pun sebab aku tau dia lepas 12, dan kitorang masing-masing taktau result orang lain. semua diam.

tapi aku diam sampai hari esoknya jelah haha. sebab orang lain pun ramai dah buat post alhamdulillah LOL. dan sebab orang pun ada tanya aku, aku ok tak. bukan tanya result ok tak, tp tanya aku ok tak. auw. of course, ada je yang tanya result terus. ni bukan stock yang ambik alevel ni sebab tu main tanya je! padahal kami dalam komuniti alevel semua macam tengah berkabung tau tak.

aku rasa ada baiknya aku bagitau jela. apa penerimaan orang, terpulang pada dia. kita tau niat kita betul, cara kita pun dah cukup betul. kan? teruskan. post. lulz.

alhamdulillah, rahmat Allah is so strong in this one.
University of Sheffield, insyaallah :)


but


You can't really be happy as an individual if you don't feel happy together with other people



memula, kelas aku 8 orang je boleh fly. daripada 400++ pelajar tajaan jpa di intec, tak sampai 200 yang lepas cut-off point. yang lepas untuk ke UK hanya 150++ orang. ke US taktau, tapi dengar-dengar yang nak ke US ni cut-off point tak penting sangat. sebab ada yang dah fly dah pun sebelum result keluar. lepastu ada cakap-cakap yang memang siapa yang lepas 12 je dapat fly. 9-11, sponsored in local unis. below than that, scholarship terminated.

tapi alhamdulillah. berkat doa and usaha pelbagai pihak: pelajar, mak bapak, intec sendiri - naik turun jpa, meeting berkali-kali - everybody can fly :) as long as they got a university placement. i was sad for my friends, but i didn't really say anything to them. i wanted to, but i knew i better shut up. it was not easy. they had to write surat rayuan plus surat keterangan why they didn't make it. they had to do this and that. some people did more on behalf of others, but we all prayed. lepas tak lepas, regardless. at first jpa seemed certain with their decision - what they'd been talking about since our very first day as sponsored students anyway: you get 12 points, you're good to go. lower than that, no.

but over time, the short period of time when people were still trying while looking for alternatives, they seemed to change their stand, slowly. semua doa bagi jpa lembut hati. i was thinking, all that shouldn't be for nothing... all that which they asked the students to do, shouldn't be for the same firm no. from giving a chance to explain and appeal, to giving a chance to those who got a placement in the top 100 uni, to giving a chance to those who got a placement to any uni at all. and now here most of us are: UK and US.

after all, we're the first batch of this new program right? surely a little exception should be granted to the experimental batch ;)

selepas dua tahun yang dipenuhi dugaan oleh tuan penaja, akhirnya terbalas juga semuanya tsk. terima kasih kerajaan yang beri peluang dan rakyat yang bayar cukai! LOL.


tamat sudah episode satu. nantikan sambungannya.

cecey.

Afraid To Feel

apparently i’m someone who’s afraid to feel, among other things i’ve just discovered recently.

i’m afraid of how much i can feel and how feelings can fade away. of the uncertainty. of fate and failing. of being hurt after being happy. of it not working out. of me not making it work. of it not happening. of something else happening instead.

i’m afraid of attachment. of not being able to live without somebody after a life of solitude. of giving them the power to give me pain. of detachment. of falling apart. of being forced to part for whatever reason.

i’m afraid of caring about another person. of being concerned. of worrying of their well-being. of losing them.

i’m afraid of wanting things. of not getting what i want. of not wanting anything else.

i’m afraid of myself. of not being able to stand it all. of me escaping.

because i don’t want to feel the worst after feeling the best.

apparently i’m someone who’s afraid to feel, among other things, about some things.

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.

SEMOGA AMA DAPAT SEMUA A A-LEVEL AMIN

insyaallah terima kasih naa moga Allah berkati hangpa malaikat semua doakan hangpa juga ok tata

(plan nak blajaq sebulan sebelum exam hancoq - seminggu sebelum baru mula - sehari sebelum baru kalut)

(eh awat cakap kedah tetiba ni? hihihi gelak gatai)

(bai assalamualaikum xoxo)

Marriage Matters

i don't want to get married just to get married.

i live with adults. so i know adult's lives. i have seen adults do things out of love and do things just because, and they are different. i don't want to get married with some guy just because people get married, i'm passed my child bearing age, or i'm afraid to die an old maid. i don't want to stay married just because it's my responsibility once i'm committed to somebody, i don't want people to talk, or for the sake of my children. those are the right reasons. but i want to do it because i want to. not because i have to.

it's sad, to see someone who deserves better ends up with someone like that.

some couples are against public display of affection, but one would know when there's nothing there to be displayed. some don't have to be all romantic to show that they are a loving couple, but we can see how good friends they are just by the way they talk. and being good friends in a relationship is good enough. i can't imagine how lonely it is if you don't even talk that way with your spouse. let alone do other things together. but who am i to say right?

some people don't love because they do, they love because they are used to. bukan cinta, tapi sayang. this is jiwang but yes, i wish to love my husband in that i-am-in-love-with-you-just-because way, not i-love-you-because-you're-my-husband way.

i want to be married like them.

one celebrity couple i've always adored is Vanidah Imran and Rashidi Ishak. i loved looking at them when i was a lil girl, i barely understood what love was. i barely understand now... i actually hope they will stay together, not be another couple who gets a divorce. they look perfect together, don't you think? there's something about them that makes me think "ni jodoh ni." entahlah, mungkin muka serasi. tak sama, tapi serasi. orang tua-tua kata jodoh panjang. mungkin jugak cara dorang. taktaulah. tapi comel sangat dedua! let me tell you their love story so we can all scream "SO SWEET!" together yeah?

kali pertama vee nampak shidi masa shidi tengah drive datang set. time tu dia tercakap "aku rasa macam aku nak/akan kahwin dengan mamat ni", something like that. dia pun taktau kenapa, tetiba je. bukan dia suka ke apa. pastu masa diorang tengah berlakon sama vee terpegang shidi pastu dia rasa cam ada current. electric shock gituw. terus memalu tak pasal, tak pernah jadi camtu. dua minggu kemudian, jeng jeng jeng... she said yes! bapak cepat gila kannn. the best part is, shidi ajak kawen camtu je. takde cakap suka takde apa. sembang biasa, pastu jom kawen? vee pun "ok." boom! married. but before that dah sembang pasal masa depan semua la. shidi pun ada kasi hint sikit. dia cakap dia dapat satu hadiah, tapi tak tau nak bukak ke tak. vee cakap bukak je la? tapi banyak layer, kena peel sesatu. kemain metafora haha. so dari situ vee dah tau. 

how could she accept him so easily? vee wasn't even thinking, she just said yes straightaway. bila dah balik rumah semua baru rasa aku ni biar betul nak kahwin dengan orang baru kenal dua minggu? she said maybe because she never felt anything like that. rasa tu dalam. pehh. and how could he propose to someone he just met? shidi said dia adala selidik sikit. masa sembang tu, lol. cukup selidik la tu. time tu dia fikir dia taknak terlepas je. dia cakap memang dua minggu tu tiap malam dia doa kalau tu jodoh dia :')

to this day you can see how they are still in love. vee said and i quote "kalau abang takde, dunia saya berhenti kot." aww :"")
i guess they are just lucky. many people who rush into a wedding rush out of it just as quick. but it's fate :)

i know some people my age whose friends are married. 

and i'm so jealous! i keep wondering - no not why it isn't me but - why it isn't my friends??? i'm looking forward to my friends being married more than me being married. me. married. hahaha.

maybe because i know there's no way i'm getting married anytime soon. maybe because i know i don't have anybody. lol. it takes a lot for me to get married. so why don't just you guys get married? i can be on the wedding day and not sweat over being the bride! haha waaat. but seriously, if some people who are gonna study overseas wish to get married before they do, i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. if i fly. i wish to fly :"( amin. then i wish to see my friends get married before i fly. amin :")

i keep telling my friends to get married or at least engaged when i'm still in Malaysia, or else when i'm back in Malaysia. i need to be there. i'll be so happy i'll jump up and down and cry. typical ama. it's kinda like "if i don't get to do it, you do it. do it for me. ok?" so friends, please get married for me lolol.

this might be another bullstatistics but i like the number

they are so lucky!

yang kawen muda ni, camne senang sangat korang kawen weh? yang dah jumpa bakal laki, kau jumpa kat mane hah? haha

everytime my best friend and i see a boy with a girl who seems alim enough to be his gf (haha), we'll like nudge each other "mana?" "yang tuu kat escalator" "ha tu lagi satu, comelnyaaa" "amboi pegang tangan" "untunglah kawen muda" hahaha budak dapat tengok je, camnila. batak sikit. maaf ye jika kami pandang-pandang tak reti cover. anda patut merasa bangga.

even budak intec pun ada kawen... shhh top secret lol. ada yang cakap ok apa, nak fly kan. nanti ada yang jaga. habis tu kalau lain destinasinya? long distancela sikit, takpe hihi. ada jugak yang kata dak scholar gatal nak kawen la apa la. ish ish ish. scholarship tidak dapat menghalang jodoh ye. my friend, she's not enthusiastic about it, but her mom sure is. gelak je aku everytime dia cerita pasal mak dia dan misi mencari menantu, yang telah dijalankan sejak dia sekolah rendah :O sekarang dah habis sekolah lagila. siap suruh cari kat intec. suruh cari yang pergi negara sama. dan seperti dijangka, mak dia tanya kengkawan sekelas tu tak ok ke? terus dia cakap takyah bu takyah hahaha. ni kelakar. masa aku register kolej kediaman untuk sem 2, aku pakai inai tau. merah lagi kat jari. kebetulan aku pakai cincin. masa aku dok mengisi borang semua, brader brader kat kaunter tu bisik bergossip. bajet aku tak dengar. yang jadi isunya inai ngan cincin aku la. "tunang kot? ke nikah? cuba kau tanya" ikut hati aku nak je troll cakap aku baru kawen. tapi biarlah mereka diselubungi... misteri.


there's this one senior. oh i stalked her hard. hahaha. habis aku scroll segala yang dapat discroll. i must say she is one exceptional human being! nak bagitau pencapaian dia, apa dia buat, siapa dia kat sekolah semua nanti kantoilah pulak kan. but i can tell you she's the best lah. now she's married. sweet je dia ngan laki dia. i'm just like, masyaallah apa rahsiamu akak?! pelajar cemerlang, isteri terbilang. eh.

i wonder how adults react to this. of course. because when young people want to settle down, they say things like "are these kids good enough at school they are eligible to get married? did you get good grades? if not, how do you expect us to let you get married? of course it will be worse once you are you can't even focus!" but what if these kids are indeed good enough? like this akak has proven herself. or will they say "you get married? why would you? what a shame! what a waste! just focus on your study and score all A's and graduate and get a good job and blablablablabla and then get married!"

hmm i wonder.

UPDATE: just after i published this post, i found one post by a senior at intec. i don't need to tell you to click the coloured word right? about early marriage. it's a really good read, really. and really makes sense. i do agree, i've been thinking the same way lately. maybe i will make another post about it including my own point of view? ahah. amboi bab kawen ni laju je kau kan.

but me? early marriage?

i used to think about kahwin muda because of the cute, sweet, geli, jiwang reasons. like i've blogged about it once here. hew malu. because i would do those things only if i'm married. hew malu. but i'm waaay passed that phase. what am i? budak sekolah? pfft no. ceyy berlagak ehh.

after high school ended, for some reasons, i started to think about it seriously. when you're still daydreaming, you can never see reality. but once you realize about the reality and leave the fantasy behind, you see what a serious business marriage is. that's why when i was still in school i was excited about kahwin cos i didn't really think about it, i hadn't given it a serious thought. what for? we're still young so just daydream la~ but my friend who had met her possibly 'the one' wasn't too excited - because she already thought about it, as they were serious. while me? drown alone in my own lil fantasy. sobs.

ironically, i found a quote saying something like this: when you know you're not ready for marriage, that's when you're serious and might be ready for it. so.... hew hew hew k diam.

again, i'm way passed that phase. it's just hormonal i guess, what high school girls go through.

maybe for a different reason now.

i've thought about early marriage in a different way. i didn't even think about it. it was not something i spent my time thinking, but i was in a conversation and the topic suddenly popped up and i blurted it out. at that time, i wanted to be married. i didn't care if i didn't get to see my husband everyday. i didn't mind if it's really nikah khitbah. people now want to do nikah khitbah because they can escape the heavy responsibilities, but not when it comes to the 'lighter duties'. nak khitbah bab yang susah je, yang manja-geli-gedik tu taknak khitbah pulak? i said i didn't care about all that. no bitter part, no sweet part. that's alright. as long as i was married. i knew who's for me. i didn't have to think about it anymore and just live. when the time comes, we'll see each other. live like other married couples. but now, just to know. and that's enough.

i was probably highly intoxicated at that time haha so that's how this came out. now i'm calm i think i might just have to be mentally married to the one who's yet to be revealed. you wanted to know? now you know: out there, is the one. you didn't want to think? then don't! you wanted to just live? then live! when the time comes, you'll see each other. now just know that there is the one. and that should be enough. 

i once was in karaoke with my girls and we're singing A Thousand Years. i had to stop and sit because i had teary eyes. the awkward moment. but the lyrics are just.... 

i have died everyday waiting for you 

not knowing who you are, but i am. i'm waiting. i don't go around looking for you and asking guys "are you him?" i just wait for our paths to collide and intertwine. i just wait for you to ask me. 

darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years

i don't even know who, i'm possibly yet to meet you, but i have. i have loved you. when i could be with other guys, i remember you and i remind myself that i love you. i have always loved you.

i'll love you for a thousand more.

and will always do.

ok i will end this lameness before i get even more embarrassed ok stop ama ok.

do you know how hard it is when you have been waiting for so long? i'm not even 20 but it has been long enough. because i'm not a girl who doesn't think about it. who doesn't wonder, who doesn't wait. when other girls around me were experimenting and my friends claimed to fall in love when we all knew it was just another crush, i wasn't, i didn't. not because i didn't have feelings, i did. as early as a school kid. i was in between. that was what made it hard. but i tell myself to just let it be. not to make a mistake. to make us as special as we can be. not that i didn't let myself try, not that i didn't make any mistake, but whatever i've done, whatever i've had, i didn't make it special. if you never think about it at all, or do but too often you change the love of your life, then you have no right to judge me. because you don't know.

ok enough. i don't really think about it, except when i'm reminded of it. other times, i'm just fine.

so don't think about it, and it will come to you by surprise. don't wait for it, and time will fly so fast :)

she was 19 and now i'm 19.

recently i stalked Dena Bahrin. and by stalk i mean i really did read her blog up to the posts published in 2010. at first i was just looking for one particular post, then i thought heck why not i just read all the posts to know about her pre-engagement-video-gone-viral life! mehehehe. and she surprised me by being just... a girl. a normal girl. gila-gila, selamba, gangster. she was one of us. but now she's *that*. woaaah :O

and i found this post - 5 years later , Please meet me. she was 18 when she wrote this.

"I don't care if I look weird and so loving (lame,lovey dovey whatever people call it) tonight. Cause it's for you anyway.Well hello future good husband , I'll wait for you. We'll meet, soon ! :')"

isn't it funny when just a year later, they 'met' each other? fate is a funny thing if you ask me.

the idea of suddenly getting married and surprising people is appealing, hehe. i've always thought if there's someone who will out of the blue announce "today i'm somebody's fiancee!" or "of this date i'm married!", that would be me. sometimes i don't feel the need to tell people about things i'm going to do or places i'm going to go to even my best friend got offended when i told her i was leaving the country on that day itself, twice. i also don't like telling people things which might or might not go as planned or as smoothly as i'd want. unless it's already happened, and i'm certain nothing can screw it up, then i feel safe to let people know.

but honestly, i couldn't do what kak dena did. i can't marry someone just like that. i can't marry someone i don't know, and i don't have feelings for. and i'm so afraid of that to the point i've prayed that i won't end up with someone i don't love. i've loved you for a thousand years but what if when i finally know who you are, i don't? you might say if we're meant to be, Allah will put the feelings in our hearts. i say the same thing too. but what i mean is i don't want to have the feeling of running away on my wedding day. i can't even imagine it. for now i'm more scared of getting married to someone i don't love than not getting married to someone i love. it scares me, the thought of getting married to someone i don't want to get married to. it scares me how people think of someone as 'the one'. it scares me because we can't always get what we want, and might get what we do not want instead.

it's scary how anything can be.

Cupcake Untuk Cikgu, Sesat Dengan Kawan

Masa aku dapat tau yang sekolah buat sambutan hari guru dua kali, aku rasa pebenda so lame pehal separuh-separuh hari ni. sesaat kemudian terus excited sebab dapat pegi sambutan hari guru! yeaaaay!

kalau tak sedih gak ah tak dapat pegi last week. first time tak pegi sambutan hari guru. before ni exam ke apa ke mesti pergi sebab sambutan best, nak tengok persembahan, nak enjoy dengan kawan.... eh and of course nak jumpa cikgu-cikgu nak minta maaf minta berkat ucap terima kasih semua :'D

oh btw if you miss teacher's day celebration because you choose to study, i'm judging you. taula tengah exam week. kalau kata sebab tak cukup study, ingat kitorang ni cukup sangat study sangat ke? padahal kalau hari lepak camni pun kau study, apatah lagi hari lain kan. yang tak gi sebab study ni la yg study hari-hari. patutnya dah terlebih cukup study dah tu, baikla datang sekolah minta cikgu redhakan semua ilmu semua salah kita. 

sekian, nasehat.

aku cadangkan buat cupcakes sesama untuk kasi cikgu-cikgu. aku serius. dorang setuju, cakap buat kat rumah aizureen. pastu aku cadangkan sleepover kat rumah aizureen untuk buat cupcakes tu. aku memain. sekali aizureen kata haa boleh siap semangat ajak reramai lagi pastu sanggup ambik kitorang sengsorang kat rumah. terkezut ai, ai jk je yu. tapi ajakan jangan ditolak sebab bukan salu dia baik camni hahaha. 

so rabu lepas kitorang pun memulakan misi.

misi prektis menjadi housewife mithali

"takpe faten, dorang tau apa nak beli. kita buat je tugas kita: 'mendokumentasi'"

dokumentasi bukan promosi diri

calon-calon isteri mithali insyaAllah hihihi

(ni baru promosi. eh)

kemudian balik rumah aijugheen. kalau dah namanya perempuan, bukan masuk dapur terus. er ke kitorang je pompuan camni. haruslah sesi catch up dulu, kata lama tak jumpa. last time last raya kot, masa pergi beraya rumah cikgu-cikgu. duduk baring golek-golek gossip dulu, ala ritual biasa perjumpaan sesama kita.

sampai turn aku, tersampai topik yang aku memang taknak sentuh: study. topik yang masa dorang sembang aku dah dok diam. aku taknak cakap pasal ni, sebab aku taknak tensi. tapi benda tensi tu lah bila kita dah sentuh, kita mesti tergali terus. terpaksa aku bukak cerita pasal final exam haritu. cerita yang aku tak bukak pun lagi kat blog ni. cerita pasal masa depan aku yang macam... ya Allah nauzubillah.

benda ni hari-hari singgah kat otak aku. stress fikir masa depan dan aku kalau stress, lagila satu apa pun tak jalan. terfikir sikit, sebab taknak fikir lagi, terus fikir benda lain yang takde kaitan dengan study. kalau aku macam emo je sekarang, inilah sebabnya. bukan sebab masalah cinta ke apa weh pelislah pelis. ni masalah yang aku kena hadap sendiri. takde knight in shining armour on white horse yang akan selamatkan aku. i'm not a damsel in distress. melainkan kalau laki tu tak kisah berbinikan dak pompuan yang tak habis a-level yang tak dapat fly sebab duit dia berkepuk pastu dia boleh tolong aku buat bisnes baju ke publish buku ke, atau laki tu boleh tolong aku fly pegi uk terus dengan kasi aku semua A*, haa barulah dia hero yang dinanti. kalau tak, aku kena selesaikan semua ni sendiri.

haish. dah tutup cerita.

kitorang buat red velvet. aku taktau pun nak buat cake apa sampailah masa kat giant tu dorang kata nak buat red velvet, okaaay. pernah buat tak? masing-masing tak pernah. takpe try... kita try....

cukupla kata yang benda berapa minit jadi berapa jam. pengajarannya kalau nak buat cupcakes untuk kasi orang buatlah apa yang kita pernah buat, yang biasa pun takpe janji konfem dah tau camne, dah tau rasa. sedap. cekelat ke apa ke, topping boleh buat macam-macam boleh tulis from AB FAMILY ke seperti idea asalku. comel. dan bila aku kata 2/3, maknanya betul lah 2/3. hahah 

apabila 7 anak dara masuk dapur. biarlah kita-kita je yang ingat apa jadi di dapur ye :'D

malam tu satu insiden terjadi. fazreen kan berjiran je dengan aizureen. masa dia nak balik tu dah pukul 12 malam. tak ni bukan cite hantu. so aku dengan diena temankan dia. malas nak bersiap sebenarnya, nak tukar baju lengan panjangla sarung tudungla. jadi aku dapat satu idea bernas. apa kata kita pakai towel je, towel kan lebar. kita pin je bawah dagu, pastu biar towel tu jatuh sampai tutup tangan. tak caya ce korang try. serupa ustazah yu.

hasilnya. tak semenggah.

kitorang teman dalam lif je. tapi kitorang taktau lif tu akan turun sampai bawah. omg tempat parking. omg janganlah bagi orang masuk nampak kitorang macam ni. pintu bukak, takde sapa. phewh. lega. tengah bebising lega la saspen la apa la tetiba kat G pintu bukak lagi, pastu ada dua orang laki. terus terdiam. aku rasa dorang pun pelik tengok kitorang, terus dorang tak tengok dah. aku time tu dah tahan gelak sambil rasa bersalah. pintu lif bukak je kat tingkat kitorang terus kitorang kuar melepasi dorang pandang bawah ala-ala gadis muslimah. pintu tutup terus gelak gegila hahah.

esoknya. baru senonoh sikit ha.

errr ye aku pakai baju semalam je. aku bawak satu baju lain dengan tudung kelabu ni, tapi aku lagi suka baju ni. selesa dan sedap :3 aku memang taknak pakai baju ni gi sekolah sebab cam over. tapi dorang sume cakap tang mana yang overnya, biasa je. aku masih rasa over. aku ada dilemma di mana aku selalu nak pakai baju comel, tapi taknak yang menarik perhatian, tak seswai dengan tempat, dan taknak overdress. nak gi sekolah je ponnn, tapi nak gi mid valley pastu so kalau over pun memang kena dengan situasi hehe. dorang kata baju ni okay je, so aku sarung je la. tapi pakai tudung kelabu instead of pink, untuk tone down keoveran.

sekian, nasehat fashion.

jangan risau aku pakai baju ni hari rabu tu dalam dua jam je. sampai rumah aijugheen terus tukar baju lain. odourless ya haha

esoknya sampai sekolah, rasa segan, nervous, teruja, nostalgic semua ada.

you know that feeling when you see the face of somebody who is happy to see you? who smiles and greets and hugs you? my friends and i had that today, seeing the faces of our school teachers after almost two years of not seeing them everyday. they are still where they are, while we the ex-students are going places. because they stayed, and taught us. thank you, dear teachers.

we went to school to meet the teachers but there's no picture with the teachers lulz. never mind i captured them in my heart  awww.

masa kasi cupcakes tu ayat penyedap hati kami ialah "cikgu, we made it with love and that's all that matters." sebab kitorang pun tak sempat rasa this batch of cupcakes yang jadi haha since buat cecukup 20 je. the first batch tu... sedap dah tapi tak berapa nak cupcake sangat lulz. cream cheese dia yang digabungkan dengan icing sebab nak buat topping comel pun taklah secomel yang dibayangkan. takpe, ikhlas ni ikhlas tsk.

best sangat dapat jumpa cikgu-cikgu. sebab aku pergi dengan AB pastu buat cupcake pun untuk cikgu AB, aku macam terlupa tentang cikgu lain so bila ternampak cikgu C1 aku macam terkejut pulak cikgu tu ada kat situ lolol. 

esp teacher patvinder, omg teruja sangat nampak dia. bapak terharu la tengok dia dah berumur pun masih mengajar (pass her pension age!), sejak zaman abang aku tu and abang aku pun dah tua kot. i know if there's anyone yang mengajar dengan penuh semangat dan keikhlasan, itu ialah teacher pat. dulu masa awal-awal ya rabb tuhan je tau macamana kitorang semua dengan dia. bila dah masuk form 3, bila dah habis sekolah ni, baru faham dia, terima dia, suka dia, sayang dia. siap bila aku prektis speaking test utk ielts, dapat tajuk pasal teacher, aku cakap pasal dia kot. tak silap aku dia pernah cakap kelas C1 da bez class dia pernah ajar eheh eheh kalau tak silaplaaa. mula-mula jumpa just salam sebab idk why dengan cikgu lain aku peluk terus je, pastu bila dah sembang jap and nak say goodbye salam lagi baru peluk pastu salam lagi sekali sambil tepuk-tepuk bahu semua. aww. nak ingat kenangan ngan cikgu sengsorang tak habis kot nanti post ni, tunggu hari guru tahun depan lak ihiks.

amboi dah duduk sama tinggi dengan cikgu-cikgu sekarang amboi

(oh rupanya camni rasa jadi senior ex-student yang datang sekolah pakai baju biasa masa hari guru hahaha)

dalam banyak-banyak cikgu, cikgu yang aku sembang paling lama ialah Cikgu Akmal, macam biasa hahaha. dahlah bersembang sambil berdiri. sembang-sembang termasuk pasal result spm last year. cikgu cakap bio takde A+, yang cikgu target pun tak dapat. aku cam "oh ye ke.... eh. uhuk uhukk" baru perasan pulak kan haha. aku cakap sorryla cikgu, tu memang sumpahan sejak tahun aku lagi. this year target A+ terbaru cikgu ialah jeng jeng jeng.... Nadia Sabrina! haha banyak akak dengan cikgu sembang pasal awak nadia :3

cikgu tanya lagi sekali "kenapa awak tak ambik medic eh?" pastu cikgu jawab sendiri haha "oh sebab awak suka belajar bio je..." aku sambung "saya rasa saya boleh belajar teori je cikgu, praktikal tak sanggup." cikgu cerita anak dia second year medic, tetiba rasa ragu-ragu boleh tak nak keje dalam hospital dengan orang sakit nak bedah manusia hidup semua. ha sebab tu la, aku awal-awal tau apa yang aku ragu-ragu dan apa yang aku pasti eceh. "saya pasti dengan psychology." dah sampai bab tu nak tak nak mesti termasuk pasal result pulak... taktau lagi. ok sem lepas. this sem... ah sudah banyak aku tercerita kat cikgu. sebelum ni dengan cikgu lain, aku kata "ok alhamdulillah." tak pandang mata. "fly insyaallah." tak pandang mata. kalini aku pandang mata cikgu, sebab memang takde apa aku tipu. 

keluar pasal economics segala. nadia, kalau awak taktau jawab kbkk 3 markah, akak taktau jawab kbkk 30 markah T____T Cikgu Akmal pulak pernah minor in social science subjects seperti psychology, economics, philosophy masa beliau stadi obesi dulu. so beliau taulah selok belok subjek camni dan faham kesusahan yg aku hadapi. dia kata otak aku memang otak science, sebab science aku strong. aku pun kata sebab aku dah terbiasa dengan pure science. pure science mungkin struggle dekat faham and hafal, tapi soalan senang. social science mungkin senang faham hafal, tapi struggle kat soalan. dia tau social science berkait sini sana kena tau segalanya, sedangkan pure science spot on and straightforward. once you hafal you're good to go. tp economics you faham and hafal but when you see the question and you have to analyse the situation all hell breaks loose.

cikgu akmal even after i told her about my difficulties in coping and how JPA is terminating people she still has faith in me. she said i just have to get to the point where i spin my brain sikit and it clicks with economics. she said we science students can do it. after that it's all gonna be easy. tapi masalahnya sekarang not what i'm gonna do about the future, but what i did for my future. otak aku tak klik lagi masa aku jawab final penentu segalanya haritu dan kalau dia klik sem depan pun macam dah terlambat je. haih. but she has faith in me. dia cakap "ama jangan buat muka takut. cikgu kenal muka tu." "ok tak takut dah" aku senyum. pastu beberapa saat kemudian cikgu marah lagi banyak kali dia cakap dia tak suka aku buat muka macam tu, dia tak suka aku fikir aku tak boleh semua. "tapi cikgu saya tau --" terus dia nak tampar aku hahaha

the teachers have faith in me, and that's one of my fears - of letting them know how am i at intec here. i don't want to disappoint them. i let one know, but she still has faith in me. that's something to smile about :")

ok cukup bersedihan.

kemudian kami ke mid valley! ingatkan masing-masing pernah drive sendiri pegi mid tapi....

cukupla cakap benda berapa minit jadi satu jam. hahaha. sesaaaaaat! aijugheen dah macam suami yang nampak lek tapi dalam hati cuak, pastu fazreen isteri yang gelabah bila salah jalan dan eksaited bila nampak signboard betul sambil kipas tangan jerit gelak pegangkan stereng segala haha serius macam laki bini.

nampak real tak haha

i look fat in the picture but for the sole purpose of showing how i look if i was tall i don't mind hehe. masa jumpa luqman the first thing he said "this is your definition of fat?" awww. you don't see what i see. "do you have muffins?" what now? "ni" he said sambil buat lipatan lemak kat perut haha. he called me anorexic which i'm obviously not. i would say i wish or i'm flattered to be thought thin enough to be anorexic but on second thought anorexia is a serious thing to joke about ya no. but i always know how he's serious when he says i'm not fat, not to be nice or anything. dia siap kasi tips on how to overcome jadi self-conscious self-critique camni, suruh aku bergaul dengan orang so aku tau how people look at me and it's not fat. 

"no people don't say i'm fat. it's just me. low self-esteem. i know i'm not fat but i'm chubby. do you remember how i looked like when i was in form 2 if you noticed me?"

"yeah you looked the same."

"what? no! probably now same, ye la but when i was in form 3 i lost like 10 kilos and now i've gained a few pounds --"

"what, like 0.5 pound?"

"no, banyak la so i'm worried i might be fat like i used to faham tak"

the real problem is not when you have a problem with people, but with yourself. but tq dude :'D

setelah sesat semua kelaparan tapi kena tahan lapar sikit lagi pastu senyum tak rela demi gambar ni

balik pun sesat lagi. aku and Diena nak gi wangsa walk so kitorang suruh aiju drop kat situ. pergila mana pun tapi balik-balik ke wwm juga destinasi kita. haritu pergi klcc dengan hajerah tapi balik singgah wwm jugak. kalau dah dak wwm tu memang dak wwm laaa haha. pada aku kalau setakat nak lepak sembang, makan, tengok wayang, karoeke, bowling wwm pun boleh. takyah nak gi jejauh melainkan memang ada tujuan lain yang wwm tak dapat tunaikan. melainkan kalau kau nak tangkap gambar kat entrance pavi jadi dak dak fountain, ha pegi la pavi. melainkan kalau pergi kinokuniya ke baru aku sanggup bersesak kat klcc. jangan pandang wwm sebelah mata, justin bieber pun pegi wwm kkk hahaha


sebagai anak dara yang malas keluar dan lebih gemar memerap di rumah, alang-alang keluar tu biar keluar terus. kitorang sebenarnya dah ngantuk gila masa tu, ngantuk tahap nak muntah tau. mana tak nya, malam sebelum tu tido pukul 4 pagi. sembang pasal hal perempuan berduaan dengan diena :3 dari duduk kat buaian tengok langit sampailah ke dalam bilik golek atas katil. banyak yang dicatchupkan diceritakan :3


tu pun tak puas lagi. nanti kita date kat tuti pruti ye yu :3



p/s: ada baki satu cupcake. masa balik baru rasa. plot twist: it was GOOD! all of it! the combination of the cheese frosting and sugar icing, kelembutan dan rasa kek tu sendiri, everything was SO GOOD. I WAS SERIOUSLY SURPRISED AND BLOWN AWAY. serious talk k. kbai.

Life Is a Long Equation

Between mummy and study, which one would it be lol who am i kidding cus it's gonna be mummy.

so i'm in my study leave right now, except it's called study week. because we're supposed to study. last sem it was study leave, we didn't study at all because we thought we're supposed to leave study terus har har k. or was it just me? i did not know what the hell did i do satu minggu tu. stay intec bajet study. tak balik rumah sebab tak bukak buku nanti. stay akasia bajet fokus lagi. padahal orang lain gi library.

so this time i planned to stay the whole week kat akasia dan pergi library setiap hari cos enough being lazy. i planned to study with some of my classmates because with them i don't feel so stupid as they embraced me just the way i am so i can actually be stupid with them and laugh at myself. you've just gotta be with the right people, only then stupidity becomes hilarity and difficulty becomes easy.

i reaaally wanted to study macam orang lain yang sampai mata merah, rambut serabai, tudung tak gosok, jambang tak cukur, makan tidur tak cukup (ok takdela sampai macam tu, kalau study sampai tak jaga diri pebenda weh tak seimbang doh hidup ish ish ni baru study, belum kerja lagi, belum kahwin lagi, haaa). jika studyku ini satu ibadah, belum pape dah dapat pahala sebab niat sangat tulus murni untuk study. but...

my mom will be going on europe tour.

shhh this sudden seemingly unrelated piece of information is not a change of topic, but a turn of event! so listen! eh, read! or just leave tbh idc.

my mom will be going on europe tour on 2nd may. which is next week. mulanya aku nak mak aku datang rumah abang aku masa study week so walaupun aku stay akasia, aku dapat jumpa mak aku hari-hari makan sesama bermanja ke apa ke sebab nanti aku tak jumpa dia lama, even lepas habis exam pun mak aku masih berjimba di luar negara. tapi abang aku satu keluarga kena balik Sarawak kampung kakak ipar aku khamis ni tetiba. so the last time i'll be seeing my mom before she leaves on a jet plane is this time lah.

yang bermakna makin sekejap aku balik kalini, makin sekejap aku jumpa mak aku untuk tempoh 3 minggu. weyyy.

memula aku ingat nak balik dok dua tiga hari kat rumah, pastu balik intec isnin. tapi abang aku boleh ambik rabu je. fine, aku boleh balik naik ktm. but still, this isn't just about studying, this is about spending time with my mother before we'll be continents apart for a few weeks. isn't that something? aku dah berbelah bagi... sebab kat rumah, aku takkan study. heck, kat akasia pun aku tak study. masuk bilik study baru study. tu pun kat bilik study boleh tidur lagi. jadi aku, aku, study kat rumah? hahaHAHAHAHAH.

mak aku pun macam suruh aku balik rabu je, sempat dia nak masak macam-macam dia kata. aku taknakla perasan kan, tapi nampaknya mak aku macam nak aku balik lambat je. mesti sebab dia rindu aku hahaha eh tapi aku taknak la perasan kan, orang tak kata rindu pun aku sengsorang je syok sendiri pulak kan.

aku: ma nak ayu balik lambat eh? hihi kalau ma nak ma cakap jelaa, ayu balik la rabu. ayu tak kisah.

ma: ikut suka ayu la.

aku: ma tak kisah ke ayu balik bebila pun?

ma: tak ah, tak kisah pun.

aku: habis ma nak masak semua tu? hihi ayu dah jadi macam uda ehh, mama nak masak macam-macam.

ma: dah ayu yang teringin la apa la.

aku: hmm. kalau uda tu mesti ma suruh dia balik lambat-lambat je.

angah: yela, uda tu lain. kau annoying.

terima kasih ngah.

kalau mak aku nak aku balik rabu, aku balik rabu. sebab walaupun poyo macam mana pun ini berbunyi: aku tak suka mak aku rindu aku. biar aku je rindu dia, biar aku tanggung sengsorang. aku memang manja pun, tapi sejak masuk intec baru aku sedar manja macam aku ni normal sebenarnya sebab aku anak perempuan sorang, sebab aku anak last. tapi ada yang lagi manja tahap anak raja lebih daripada aku yang buat aku kata "aku anak last perempuan sorang pun tak macam tu!"

aku sebenarnya agak keras, walaupun hati lembut. darah senang naik, walaupun air mata cepat mengalir. agaknya inilah efek ada abang 4 orang, dan mak yang tak layankan sangat bila aku merajuk bila aku mengada, kalau tak memang naik tocang. efeknya sampai aku rasa nak panggg je bebudak yang manja lelebih sesikit tak boleh ni, muahaha aku kan garang.

aku cakap aku boleh balik rabu, tapi mama kena suruh aku studylaa. ce teka mak aku cakap apa? ce tekaa! mak aku cakap "ayu takyah dapat macam dulu pun takpe, buat biasa je. kan dah dapat tempat semua."

i guess somebody forgot to tell mama about this. maa dah dapat tempat kat intec pun tak menjamin tempat di UK/US maaa. tak jamin tempat next sem pun maaaaa. comel betul mak aku ni. mana boleh buat biasa, sedangkan orang sekeliling aku study macam orang gila. kang aku kena tinggal sorang kat malaysia.

anywayss setelah puas berdilemma di group whatsapp 10SS1, Ummul came to the rescue, like she always does ;)

dia cakap "stay je kat rumah, insyaAllah study kat rumah jadi lagi berkat. study sikit tapi lagi ingat. kadang-kadang sebab benda kecik macam ni, macam kita choose untuk spend time dengan family, yang ni kasi kejayaan untuk kita."

bayu menghembus sayu.

betul sangat. takde masa yang terbuang jika dihabiskan untuk benda yang baik. takde istilah rugi bangun malam untuk solat sebab lagi patut study, takde masa tolong mak sebab nak belajar setiap masa, taknak luang masa sekejap untuk tahu pasal umat. aku tau benda kecik macam ni lagi besar maknanya kalau betul niat, tapi kalini aku lupa. thanks ummul ingatkan :')

aku sangat percayakan berkat. sebab aku tau, takde benda yang semuanya terletak pada diri sendiri. kita hidup ada habluminallah, habluminannas. life is like a long equation with all kinds of operations and symbols and unknowns and integers and formulas, connected complicatedly and tangled together to form one answer.

that is life. not this:

me = the result.

in fact, life is more than that.

life is all that mathematical mess equals to the answer which is also linked by more nonsensical numbers which has one identity: the final answer. geddit?

example 1A.

Allah's mercy + mom's prayers - (backbiting x backstabbing / sins)  x charity^sincerity = excellent grades / (average income - failed relationship) + best friends x happy family  ≡ good life.

see? SEE? you've just gotta calculate the equation as a whole.

ok enough mathematics here i feel nauseous already haha

so the point is, i have always believed in berkat. berkat ialah belas kasihan, kasih sayang. redha ialah restu. dua benda ni yang tolong kita bila kita takleh tolong diri sendiri. and all my life these two things are what have been helping me cos i can't do shit on my own. i need berkat manusia dan keredhaan Allah. i need budi bicara. it all depends on who. so no matter how bad i am and only mama and Allah know how bad i can be, i'm blessed with forgiving and loving people, a very forgiving and loving mom and The Most Forgiving and Loving God. that's how i survive. not because of me.

but there's still my role to complete the whole equation. 

so i'm staying, and studying.

insyaAllah.

lagipun aku suka sebenarnya belajar kat rumah, sebab teringat zaman sekolah. zaman nak pmr, nak spm. i can do whatever the heaven i want bila dalam bilik sendiri. oh my my, mmm, the privacy. tapi nak mula study tu yang payah. i shall lock myself in my room and lock my laptop outside. after this, ehhem.

i think there's a question that has been bugging all of us from the start.

why aint i going on europe tour too you say? 

WHYYY?!

that is a heart-breaking story. memula memang aku nak pergi. aku dah berangan camwhoring dengan bunga tulip, dekat trafalgar square i haven't been at in 16 years, depan eiffel tower finally making use of french, kat mana-mana lagi tah kat europe tu. sesungguhnya aku sudah berharap. sebelum aku cek takwim intec dan mendapati masa tu aku belum lagi habis sem.... in fact aku tengah exam.

takyah cerita la kekecewaan dia. merajuk jap ngan mak aku sehari. sebab aku mintak dia mintak group tour tu tunda lambat sikit sebab aku nak pergi tapi dia tak mintak lololol suka hati kau je, ingat ni bapak kau punya travelling agency?!

but most of all, it was not my disappointment which made me feel reluctant, but my concern. reluctant to let her go alone. fine dia pergi satu group, tapi tak sama tanpa aku, tahu? i have always been the one who takes care of my mom. i'm the paranoid one. i'm the overprotective one. there was a time when i didn't even let her go across the state without me, let alone across the sea! i might be useless but at least i would be there, you get me? i would take a bullet and stop a train for her. i was the mother whenever we travel, when we went to New Zealand only the both of us to visit my bro and when we went to Mekah and Madinah, i was the navigator, the map, the gps, the everything. i might not play that big a role, but i have a role.

i'm worried, like a mom worries for her child. maybe even more cos i can't bear another mom.

i can't bear another parent.

you don't understand.

pray. whenever you feel something which you can't do anything about, even if you do something, even everything will not be enough, like your love for your mother, all you can actually do is pray. the simplest, yet the strongest of action. pray. Allah listens every second, Allah sees the sincerity. 

so please, i ask you to make a simple, yet sincere prayer for my mom. keep her healthy and safe from Malaysia to Europe and all the way back to Malaysia to me. and please pray for my success in A-level too, so i can have my own Europe Tour later T_T

(imagine going on europe tour with le husband during sem break omaaaiii ok just to lighten the mood just)

oh dua hari ni aku dapat beli seluar, baju, cardigan, tudung dan fon baru. ye. welcome amaa to the land of the latest technology! lol. tu pun sebab fon lama memberi masalah. fon lama ialah fon yang mak aku kasi seprais for pmr, fon yang masa tu gempaklah jugak so aku rasa bersalah nak tukar sebab sedangkan nokia 3120 aku pun penuh sentimental value, apa tah lagi ni. but i had to, i had to u no.

there are some reasons why i wouldn't change my phone. one of them being the classic kind of inbox, the little envelopes, the separate messages of received and sent items. of course it is not as easy as the conversation type which you can just scroll through, but the classic one is easy when you want to trace back old memories of certain dates (tarikh. lol), special texts and see what people said, random talks and meaningless chats excluded. it's so nostalgic and i'll really miss it.

i once said i didn't like my E71 right? but now, i do. i guess tak kenal maka tak cinta. dah terbiasa, baru suka :) tapi dah sampai masanya, tsk. don't worry i'll treasure you forever like the hoarder i am.

my new phone is not that large. i seriously can't see why people would buy phones the size of their face. it's for your ears, isn't it? it's either quite small to be called a phone, or large enough to be called a tablet. it either fits in your pocket, or your bag. there's no in between folks.

i had my eyes on this one phone but my hands said no... have you seen my hands? have you?! kita kena ukur fon di tangan sendiri. so this new phone is just perfect for my considerably tiny hand. i like it, but like every change it takes some getting used to. besar gedabak pun susah nak camwhore tau tak. kang nak selfies sangat ada yang terbarai kang. and aku nak fon yang boleh masuk poket je, or handbag. takde aku nak carry fon merata. dan takde makna aku nak pegi kedai mamak bawak bag. jadi haruslah muat dalam poket. aku kalau boleh purse pun taknak bawak, duit sumbat dalam seluar je, what dyu expect?

the non-feminine side of me.

with this new phone, hopefully i'll start anew. the memories were not deleted, the memories are kept in my old phones. but i just need to leave all that behind and store it somewhere and start a new, in a way, life.

at least, for now.

to new starts! and exams! kbai.