The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013

2013 was not a good year for me. it was worse than other years, for some reasons. but i still thank God because it was not my worst year yet. it only takes a reason for a year to be the worst, and i will always pray to God to not make it happen. 2013 ending without being the worst year was enough for me to be thankful for.

but that doesn't make the troubles in the three any less.

i write, you know. i'm always writing. even if i don't post it anywhere or share it with anyone. i'm always thinking, typing on my phone, writing on any paper i could get my hands on. 2013 witnessed how i write a lot but with nobody to witness what it's about. there are confidential tumbr texts, unpublished blog posts, saved phone notes, crumpled torn papers... because there is no other way to let it out.

i was lost throughout the year about one thing or another, but at one point i was lost about everything all at once. i was lost academically, socially, personally... you name it. it was not the fault of the year. maybe it was the time, or the place. i don't know.

these are some of the notes in my phone.

-"this is the place where i cry the most for the most reasons. i cry because of my friends, my studies, my family, i even cry for being alone, which i never did before. i cried easily, but i wasn't much of a cry baby. i wasn't really a grown up kid calling their mother because they are about to burst. when i cried, i cried alone. i don't remember ever being this emotionally vulnerable. i would cry because of family reasons the most when i was a kid. that's the only other time i cried this often to my mom. when i was 13 i cried the most because of peers issues. that's the only other time i cried to my mom over the phone. when i was 17 i cried the most because of a broken heart... i didn't cry to her at all lol. these are some examples of my different stages of being the most affected by different reasons. i guess everyone has their own phase and pace. their own theme of life at a certain age. but now, at freaking 19? i cry for all reasons at the same time, or one right after another. i cry for everything or nothing at all. at 19 i become the kid who cried to her mom once upon a time. she's actually surprised. my mom said isn't college supposed to be fun? isn't college life the time when people have the most fun? don't people at this age study what they like and have fun with their friends, having the time of their lives?

yes, i do, but i also don't, so, no, mother."

-"i think and feel all the time. i write about it most of the times. i blog about it sometimes.

i guess i've felt it all - being the average jane, the valedictorian, the failure. and even then my scale of each is different than that of another person. my average is not really average, and my failure is not really a failure. but enough to make me feel what one is supposed to feel. enough because that's what i feel on my own scale. Allah let me feel it all and see the different reactions and treatments people give me. the valedictorian gets a lot more than the average jane does and the failure gets the least. at least now, i kinda understand."

-"i can't tell this to anybody here because they either are better, or in a situation worse than i am."

it feels like drowning. no light, no air. you're breathless, hopeless. it sucks the life out of you, but you won't die. you just don't die. you keep on drowning. it is one of the worst things to feel. i was feeling this for months.

perhaps for now i should just talk about how i was lost academically, because it involved no other human being and so no heart will get hurt. i think it will help some people out there, as i've told this story to two people and they almost and actually cried. perhaps that is only because they are also the two people who get me the most, and they were also in a situation that they could relate to. another person actually told me to blog about it, so i didn't need to retype it again and again, so here, once and for all.

they happened to contact me after i posted this on fb:

what i learnt firsthand today:
1. never give up. you don't know if you just need to give it a little bit more.
2. keep moving. no matter how paralyzed you are. a step might result in a leap.
3. get the eff up. you've gotta fall to rock bottom once in a while too.
4. do it your way. everybody's got their own style and yours will take you there.
5. have hope always. even when depressed. you're not a loser until you lose faith. 

we know these things. but we don't understand it until we experience it ourselves :)

flashback to sem 2 result. even before i got the result i was already stressed out. i was stressed out as soon as i was done with maths papers. i knew how bad i did and how much i did not do. i was depressed throughout the sem break, knowing that luck couldn't save me this time. even worse when the result was out. i knew i had it coming but for it to be confirmed was just a whole new feeling. i almost got kicked out. i almost had to start over. can you imagine what would happen to us? scholars who did not pass the 12 cut off point. even when you're one short. even when you aced everything else but sucked at one subject.

but prayers were said and meetings were held and deals were made, we got another chance. it's crazy when your future depends on just one thing and that thing happens to be what you hate. i took a supplementary paper and my math improved one grade. it was so close that one careless mistake could have cost it. so close that it was a miracle indeed. i got a second chance. i still sucked at math, but at least i was safe. many were not. some had to make a new deal and stay with a price or choose to leave, some just had no choice but leave. stumbled halfway along the journey we started together to a dream we shared at the start.

but i didn't feel safe, i started to question the journey, doubting my dream. the first half of sem 3 i was just lost. i literally thought i made a mistake. by going to intec. everybody seemed so smart and then there's me. what made me feel shittier was my course. my lifelong dream course was my first choice but not theirs. some of them couldn't take what they wanted or didn't know what to take so they took social science instead. it's like their accidental decision, or a back up plan. because they couldn't see themselves taking pure science like they did in high school, or couldn't carry the subjects. but me? i dig pure science. i did well. i could have taken medic if i wanted to, i might not be able to carry it with the commitment and discipline and sacrifices i must make, but the point is i could have gone to medic school. yet, here i am, because it's my FIRST CHOICE. and yet, there i was, lost. and they were doing so much better than me when i at least had to be on the same level. is it possible to be stupider and slower? social science subjects are just not me. they are different than what i was used to. i did not know how to study. i could not accept the differences. i felt so helpless. i went out of class whenever i couldn't take it which was often, or just sat with tears in my eyes while everyone around me was busy digesting what i had troubles swallowing. i broke down at the stupidest things like when my friend said his girlfriend was smart and good at maths and i felt stupid and i just went out and cried alone stupidly. i spent days staring at the whiteboard and nights staring at the sky.

i questioned everything. did i make the right choice? is this what i'm supposed to do? should i have listened to my mom instead? should i leave when this was what i wanted? should i stay when this isn't working out? how was it easy to get 10 A's when it's hard to get even 1 A now? is this an obstacle or a sign?


do you know what it feels like when you've got what you wanted and worked for for 11 freaking years and suddenly you feel like quitting? it's stupid to quit. not when i was so close to getting it. so i didn't.

i have to share this because this is based on a true story. here is my wall of shame after years of walk of fame:

first sem i got 13. ABB. my only and always A was of course the only subject i like, psychology.
second sem i got 11. ABD. D for maths. i got another chance which changed it to C and gave me 12.
the day i checked my third sem result, i couldn't believe my eyes.....
i got 14! AAB. B for maths! and the first time i got A for economics! 

welcome to a-level. the advance level of education so deep that even 3 A's aren't easy to reach. the deepest level of hell. maybe because i hate maths and only tolerate economics. but in high school i also only tolerated everything and it wasn't a problem. so it's true that social science is harder than pure science, at least to me. maybe it's just me, or not. it has been known how it's common for seniors to get below 10 in internal exams but get more than 12 in the external exam. i hope that's the case for me too.


as for this case, alhamdulillah.... i know i got lucky, maybe the question papers weren't that hard and the format made it seem easy and the marking schemes were in our favour. it didn't make me comfortable to get 14, but it sure was a huge relief. it was nothing compared to the real a-level exam, but it motivates me to try and get 15. just because i got 14 now it doesn't mean i can even get 14 this sem, but it restored my faith in myself. it didn't prove my capability, but i proved the possibility. i don't let achievements get to me. other people's achievements don't bring me down, my achievements don't fly me high. but i know i need to work on not letting my failures get to me instead, like it did.


i knew i did better, but i never thought i would get 14. all i did was study for a couple of hours a few days earlier. all i did was study during the study week i wasted two sems before. the study week wasn't even spent the way it should be spent but at least a couple of hours a day were spent studying. i just gave it a lil bit more, and i got more. that tells me what i am capable of if i just study from the start this last sem and oh i hope i do. besides that, i adapted myself. i'm getting used to how to study social science subjects. and in high schools i didn't do past year papers because i didn't like studying using past year papers. apparently in a-level that is all that matters, so i stopped being stubborn and in sem 3 i started studying that way. but i believe i improved also because i studied the way i used to study. in sem 2 i studied with people because people be like you should study in groups if you don't it's your lost it's the best and whatever well guess what? not everyone studies the same way and not every mind works the same way!

it was my fault to change my study method. to hell with what people say! every individual is unique, you can't expect everyone to be made for the same goddamned tips. my advice is you're old enough to know what's best for you, so do what's best for you not what people tell you to, even if it's how you should study or eat or sleep or live. just because i study on my own it doesn't make me want to succeed alone. don't call me selfish just because i self-study. that's what i've been doing my whole life, since i didn't really focus in school and never went to tuition class and didn't have a tutor so i ended up figuring things out all by myself. i was a daily school student for 11 years and i wasn't used to studying in groups. i can study with people and help my friends if i actually know what i'm learning and teaching them about. and that is when i have studied it myself.

do it your way. you know what to do and how to do it, so now do it more to get more.


i almost gave up. but i didn't. and i got more than i could hope for.

so, yes. getting 14 was the inspiration behind that fb status of mine :)

2014 is the year.
this is it.


what i want is what keeps me going. what do i want now?

i want to go to somewhere new. i want to meet new people. people who don't have anything to do with my hometown or my college, because the world is awfully small. i want to explore the world and travel to places. i want to leave everything and everyone behind. i'll never want to leave mama but i've been wanting to leave since as far as i can remember. i want to go to a place where nobody knows me, but i will get to know them. i am free. i am not chained to anything or anyone anymore. it is strange to no longer be chained. but a good kind of strange. the kind which makes you free. free to find other reasons to be happy.

but of course, i will always be chained to home :)

if there's such a thing as alternate luck, i sure hope 2014 is a lucky year for me, just as how 2012 was.

2013 was not a good year for me. Sem 3 was not a good sem for me. But i sure hope sem 4 will be better. I so wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

Many have left and will leave Malaysia for US, Canada, Australia, leaving most of us the last to leave for UK. May all of us make it, amin.

Please pray for us, ok? :)