The Last Love = The 5 Ws

i am going to blog about something which is irrelevant in my supposed to be hectic-studying-for-final-exam life right now. it is about..... love :O

since my last post i've been wanting to blog about one of my best friends, and the second part of my umrah post. but these things don't really bother me, they don't distract me when i'm trying to stay focus (i don't mind distractions which help my focus, yes they exist), sucking me into the black hole of confusions disguised as a visit to the memory lane. i can keep the thoughts and memories of my best friend and mekah in my mind and heart dearly. but some others, they are poisonous. so spit it out i will. 

of course i won't spit out the real deal, i'm just going to blog about what helps me to taste the real thing and thus, be able to spit it out. and never lick it back. never.

and how does this post come to be gross?

i have this to thank to. watch it. The Last.

"you're none of them. because you're all of them. you're who i love; the fantasy, the make-believe-things that are actually true. you are what i love; the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. you are when i love; a new history is being started with you, we are the young lovers our older selves will someday reminiscent about. you are where i love; because i'll go anywhere just to be with you. you are why i love; because before you, i didn't truly understand what i was looking for. now that we've found each other, you've given my past a future with you. you're the sixth, you're the last"

OMG GIRL Y U NO CRY

Who, what, when, where, why. 

people say once you love someone (or fall deeply in like), you can't unlove them. you will always have that feeling. after the feeling is no longer felt, you may hate them, forget them, not give a damn bout them, give a damn about someone new, but after a while, you will be reminded of them, and you will be caressed, tickled, or stabbed - whichever suits your case best - by the feeling.

and i say what a crap that is!

if it never dies, then your last love never lives

when i was younger i thought, man that's a shitload of craps. then how about the last person you love? if everyone is tragically hung up on somebody, how are they ever going to wholly love the one they are going to marry? especially with those who claim that 'first love never dies' crap, then how about your last love? will you be okay to marry someone and know that their first and consequent loves are still in their heart and the memories in their mind? i bet not, right?

maybe that's why we should save the best for last, for the one and only. we should not love too much and much too early, because love can't be erased. it can only be crossed out as somebody with whom you're not meant to be. because a broken heart can't be replaced, it can only be sewn by time and bandaged by somebody else. because hurt, no matter how long it has been, will always still hurt. because hurt hurts. maybe what people say is true. maybe that's why we should not play with something so taboo. maybe that's why, and that is what i live by.

i hope he hasn't given too much of himself, too many pieces of his heart to others, at least. i hope he hasn't given anything at all. but that's impossible. at least i hope we're on the same level.

but now i am older, i thought, some times you don't look for it but it finds you. but what if after it finds you, it leaves you? what if after a while of being free, it visits you and brings along many questions to ask you? many moments to remind you?

maybe what people say is true.

or maybe it's just because of the presence of extraneous variables which always affect the observations and fake the findings.

this video, The Last, makes me see sense even though it doesn't make everything makes sense, because love doesn't make sense. The Last shows the closest and the best definition of love i have ever encountered. because love can't be defined. i don't even know if i've ever been in love lol. maybe i'll know for sure when i find all these who, what, when, where, and why ;)

you can love others (or fall deeply in like) before the last and still love the last wholly like you've never been broken, like it's never been taken. because you love the others partly. you love the who, what, when, where, and why of the others. because who, what, when, where, and why are the reasons of your love. but you love the last with none of them (because love doesn't need a reason and doesn't make sense) or with all of them.

who; you love who the person is. the personality. the handsome hunk with charm. the cute boy with innocence. the popular senior. the future dream husband. you love the idea of the person.

what; you love how the person is. the role. the exception. what they make you feel. what they say. what they do. the meaningless conversations. the meaningful silence. you love the chemistry.

when; you love the person because of the time. first crush at 10. adolescence. last year of high school. early 20s when everybody is in love. early 30s when you should be in love.

where; you love the person because of the place. where you need to belong, where you long for a company. somewhere nostalgic. somewhere unfamiliar. the place with the right atmosphere.

why; you love the person because they show you the reason why. to love and to be loved.

you can still love one part at a time, or more, but you can love the last like you've never loved before. because the last is all parts, all reasons, all persons put together, and the parts before? were just some lessons.

the last is the true love because if it isn't, you'll still remember the others, wonder what could have happened and wish for the ending to be different. that's how you know the last is true.

so yes, when you're reminded of someone, after a period of time when you thought it will never happen again, when a song makes you cry and a memory makes you smile, it doesn't mean you can't get over them. it doesn't mean you haven't moved on. it doesn't mean you must give it another chance. it doesn't mean there's still something. you just miss the memories, not the person. the what with the who and the what, not the who of the who and the what, there's no other reason.

it doesn't mean they're the one, the only, the last just because you reminiscent the past.

it only means they were once a part, a lesson before you find the one with whom you'll have every part, every reason, or none at all. because he's the right person.

the same or different who, only when will tell what at where with the same or different why :)



and when you finally know who, what, when, where, and why, just watch this video

and pray there will be no drama-drama sebelum kahwin :D

Blog, I Still. Read, You Will.

Assalamualaikum. yes, i am still alive. if anyone cares. no one does. so i don't (?)

belum pape dah emo.

ok so, this blog hasn't been updated for two months! like wuuut right??? i used to like, blog twice a day, but now i can't even blog once? who are you and what have you done to keretapi?! er hey guys... it's still me. the same old ama who loves to write, to blog, to pour her opinions and emotions out, even not much, but still does. so what gives?

it's not because of my current A-Level life. sumpah serius gentle jujur aku cakap, aku takdelah busy sangat. aku lek je kot online hari-hari stalking hari-hari oops. kalau nak up one post per day pun cam takde hal lah. if i want to... the thing is i don't want to.

"OMG WHAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BLOG ANYMORE?!" screams nobody out of concern.

even if i want to, i have so many things to tell. 

so you see, if i want to blog about something which happened yesterday, i'll be like "what about that thing which happened last two months?" so i'll be like, i can't just skip the chronology right, so i'll be like, maybe i'll just put off this one too and find a time when i can blog about everything in perfect order of occurrence  so i'll be like, procrastinating everything (i procrastinate doing my work all the time but i never procrastinate blogging before, oh god who am i now), and i end up like, not blogging at all, so like, ya c?

of course i have many things to blog about. let's see. the first time fasting away from my mummy, waking up to sahur kurma and plain water on my bed for like 5 minutes before going back to sleep again or at its best, sahur maggi cup. waking myself up, alone in the dark to seek Him which actually, the lonelier the better. terawikh on my own kat surau kecik Akasia, bukan kat masjid besaq Lembah with my mom by my side, but it felt good nevertheless because i knew i wasn't really alone, in fact i felt accompanied by these strangers around me, all had the same purpose. maybe a presence of a friend would have made it better, but it was okay.

the environment here which is not too religious but still good enough for me so i won't be hit by culture shock with the intensity of tabligh and tarbiyah. i might even rebel well with me you can't really tell. but here it's just nice, it doesn't push you so you sorta pull yourself towards it. which is my cup of tea. the only problem is when you don't want to be identified as this and that, as human beings label each other all the time, so you'd prefer not to do something although you want to because you don't want people to have certain expectation of you as you're doing what the identified group of people do, get it? no? i don't want to be known as "budak ...." or "geng ...." because it will draw boundaries of what i can't do and place a burden of what i must do which is the point, a good one, actually, but i just want to be me. i do what i want. not because of who i am. or which group of people i belong to.

then about how i was really faking somethings sometimes, how i just wanna call my mom and my best friends to recharge myself because of the tense. it's not homesick, it's something else. like when Rachel called Kurt she told him "i lied, i'm not okay" and i cried because i felt you Rachel, i always have. remember last year? yes i knew. and early this year? i understood it too. and now? yes i still do. now you're there in NYADA, your dream, and you're in New York state of mind. i'm here in INTEC, my dream, and i should be in... Shah Alam state of mind? LOL. but you get it right? we're on our way to living our dreams, so keep holding on because good things will come along.

oh and the programs INTEC hold were awesome! ROS best gila, rasa terang je hati minggu tu sebab setiap malam dapat ilmu lolol. no seriously, i gained so much new knowledge, it reminded me of the things i knew but forgot, it made me feel at peace and put me at ease for the whole week even though it cost me my weeknights of leisure (shouldn't it be for studying...? nevermind). i got to meet Hilal Asyraf! he signed Sinergi and Sebelum Aku Bernikah for me, we took pictures together (ok along with a few other fans). the first night with IM Asyraf, Sham Kamikaze and Yatt was really cool too, it brought tears to my eyes, and other invited non-celebrity guests who were superb as well, thanks so much. to balance off the religious week, we had a night of ICE which was a cultural concert organized by budak INTEC and performed by budak INTEC jugak. they were so talented! and then there's me... with my talent of clapping enthusiastically. we had so much fun.

apa lagi? oh my new friends. true, what i always knew, that when you're away from home, friends are your family. you shouldn't be so berdikari you'll end up being lonely. yes, surrounded by the wrong people makes you feel lonelier, but being just lonely isn't that good either. so fit in, or find friends. even if they are not the same as your best friends who you can be yourself with and share everything with, find some who you are comfortable with and can laugh sincerely with. it makes a difference. even if you can't tell them some things, but if they can tell you a thing, and there's a sharing going on, you're bonding. so yes, i've found that here. alhamdulillah. i'm starting to feel better. not all the time, but it's a start. we're humans. it's impossible to get along with everyone, but we need to belong, or we won't last long.

see, i have many things to blog about actually. more than these. it's not like i've abandoned Keretapi...

some of my friends ask me why i don't blog anymore. betul lah kata orang, you won't appreciate something until it's gone. cehh. kalau dulu aku blog pun korang buat tak kisah je kan, sekarang mulalah rasa kehilangan. kan? KAAAAAAAN?

another reason why i don't blog as much is... i've changed.

Internet made my secret garden not so secret anymore and the walls not as high. i plan to make them as they once were; private.

from the newbie who told everyone to read her every post, to this version of me, who is better off without random people reading about my life. 

my INTEC friends don't even know i have a blog, except for a few. they don't even know Keretapi, except for one or two. i even made my blog link on my FB profile private and hide my blog from google. but of course, at some point i've gotta be public about it right? i'm active on FB, so it's not that i don't want people to know how i think or what i'm doing. it's just that, Keretapi is more personal. i rarely let things out nowadays, but the things i did in the past, were personal. on FB, i share a wide range of things which i do, feel and think, but i only skim on the surface. but on Keretapi, although what i blog about is limited, but it's deeper, relatively.

why want people to know the deepest part of your heart? the lowest of your rock bottom? the highest of your top of the world? the darkest of nights and brightest of days? the most vibrant of emotions and the most honest opinions? and i don't even dive that deep here. but i'll still feel uncomfortable when people know about it. i want to express, not to impress. positively, or negatively.

it's a different story if you already really know me.

i'm not one of those people who wants to be famous, or don't mind being known. like a popular blogger or vlogger. i want to be heard, but i don't want to be seen. i want to be understood but i don't want to be noticed. i want to make a difference, but i don't want to be recognized. with recognition comes judgement. and judgement, my friends, is often misleading.

when you see me commit sins, yes i'm, sadly, a sinner, i'm not innocent. but when you see me do or say good things, no, i'm not a good person. i'm only trying to be so please don't expect too much of me.

don't mistake me for being fake on FB and being real on Keretapi. what you see on FB is the real me too, or the me i want to be. not want people to see. if i just want to say something short like a reminder for example (i don't want to use the D word), it's easier to do so on FB, right? quick and simple. so yeah, don't just judge me for not being good enough on Keretapi, (not that i am on FB, but even myself can tell the difference) saying what people always say about FB, that people on it are fake. plus, isn't this my goddamn blog? i write for myself so suka hati aku laaa.

yes i curse too. end of story.

maybe the reason why i am more sensitive about prejudice and misleading judgement and whatnot is because i have  first-hand experiences about it. orang stalk semata-mata nak cari bahan untuk bash? not a good one. of course, who cares? you can't shut them up or silent their mind. if they can't find anything on your blog or on your social networking account, they'll twist your word or totally make something up. you just can't stop people. so why bother stopping yourself? i know. but of course, it changed something in me.

anyway, despite it all, i plan to blog again.

'plan' is the keyword.

so don't get misled.