My Syawal Schedule

Raya is only the first day to me, as usual. but besides raya i've got other things going on this year!

31/7-1/8: going to kedah for a friend's wedding! staying a night in penang! going back the next day!
2/8: reunion SKLK!
4/8-8/8: BTN.........
8/8-10/8: probably islamic pre-departure program JOM, probably going to perak for the guy's side reception, probably just ditch everything and chill at home.
12/8: court.

then a couple of days after that, i might be alive or dead.

insyaallah i'll survive all of it. insyaallah. amin.

selamat hari raya! maaf zahir batin :)

The Proposal

the ending.

the end.

oh i forgot to mention i was talking about the movie.

lulz

I Realize I'm 20 So I Talk About Spouses, How to Spouse and stuffs

apparently i've reached the point in life where people start to ask about..... having somebody.

friends ask it, that's normal. but for mama's friends to ask? to mama herself?? then she tells you "i've told you so"??? you know you've reached that age. i think it's too early. not for me. but for people to give a crap. too early to be asked by old people. when i found out about it i was surprised, because, why???

whenever mama's friends say something to me, i say "makcik ni cakap je banyak tapi takde anak laki ke cucu ke nak offer tak guna jugak"... in my heart. and to my mom. then i laugh cos i'm so funny ain't i? who wouldn't want a menantu liddis?? who laughs at her own jokes??? :""D

of course i'm not serious. arranged marriage and set up spouse is so not me. but i could try lolol. rest assured i'm not like this in front of people. only with mom, close friends, and keretapi. muah. in real life, i'm... shy :3

mama never asks about it. i like mama. she didn't ask then, "sekolah lagi jangan menggatal/tunggu masuk u dulu/bila dah kerja ramai lagi ada" she doesn't ask now, "ada sesape tak/baik bawak jumpa drpd diam2/baik depan mata drpd belakang2" phewh. i always asked why you never asked me. do you trust me? or you just don't think i'm capable of doing that? what an insult! lulz. because i've got friends whose mom say these stuffs. ada dulu tak kasi kawan rapat sikit dengan laki langsung, ada sekarang suruh kawen je kalau dah ada orang. both would be a pressure to me. maybe my mom thinks i'd tell her if i have anything to tell her, considering the rate at which i show her my crushes. mom, crushes are different from serious ones. maybe my mom thinks i won't cross the line and i know to take care of myself, that's what she told me when i was still in school and asked her about that. asalkan jangan lebih2 katanya. ok beres, loool. it works for me. cos i'm a nice girl and can be trusted. capable or incapable alike and aside hew hew.

my mom trusts me. love u mama. u wont regret it. i wont elope or something. if i do, i'll bring u :')

am i really 20? i don't feel like it. my brothers definitely don't see it. but my mom wants me to feel like one, and sees me like one. she tells me to do things twenty-year-olds should do, including... this. not getting into details here. but yeah. bye. she never asks, but now she talks about it. many times... i can talk to her, ask her anything, joke around. it's fun, but freaky haha. the first time she said "umur doploh mmg dah patut ada dah pun", i was like gurlll, who are you and what have you done to my momma?!

mama's only saying that because it should take years to get to know somebody before you marry them. i wanted seven years. now i'm 20... dont wanna be married at 27 so i'll cut down the numbers haha. it's not like she wants me to get married now, so i don't have to be worried of mom telling me to marry somebody i don't want to or when i don't want to. it all depends on me hehe. mama aint no mak drama melayu k.

when i was 18, she told me to start praying for a good spouse. the first time i did was when i did my umrah, it was at masjid nabawi, my first time praying there when i was crying tears and snots. i prayed about everything i could pray for. i prayed to make the right decisions in life, cos i'm so indecisive and i'm always afraid of taking the wrong turn and having to return and redo, so i prayed about choosing the right pathway, the right course, the right university, the right career, the right spouse - who's this and that. but only then it was only like a sub unit not the main topic.

now at 20, she tells me not to just pray but do something about it. you see, i'm the type of person who won't pray for what i don't feel. i am at the point in life which i feel nothing, thus i don't feel the need to pray about that thing. i know that's good but i've just got many other things to pray for right now. takde masa la nak doa jodoh ni banyak lagi benda nak doa, i always say. there's just no feel in the prayers if there's no feel in the heart. aww. not that i never did, so i know the difference. between praying with a cause and praying just because. i'll wait till the time comes to pray, the time comes when i have to pray. i'll know when, it's when i don't know. that's just me, i don't even pray for my own good health. when it's vital, but i just don't see it in long term. i know that's bad but hey, i never not pray for my mom's good health and etc etc etc so i guess that's make up for it right? two in one. the angels are praying for me too insyaallah hehe. ama's so lazy.

when i told her about friends who have "friends", she'd say mesti dorang doa, sebab tu perjalanan hidup lancar, senang je dapat cepat je jumpa. ma doakanla! i'm too lazy to pray for my own jodoh for god's sake. like i said, i have other things to pray for. but that doesn't mean i do or only think about the things i say in my prayers, it just means what is not included in the prayers, is not important enough at the moment. we can do everything though, we've just got to prioritize. stok2 yang awek kena no 1 sentiasa ni mohon clash je lah k.

i'm old school and new school too. i'm conservative but also liberal. i'm both traditional and modern.

love me or hate me, that's the true story.

i agree with going to see wali before you're getting down on one knee. but if you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me. guys have to get green light from other girls' parents to get the girl but with me i give the green light to get to the parents. so much girl power here. but that's just me lah. other girls you can break the door and threat the wali into marrying you both right at that moment for all i care lol.

why? because i'm not getting myself into any awkward situation. if i were a guy, i wouldn't want it either. imagine myself as a guy. i wouldn't want to go meet the girl's parents, despite not having enough guts telling myself to get some nerves, believing that it will all work out for the best, then finding out from the parents that i got rejected. wanna make it worse? get myself rejected in front of my parents. or if i'm that goody two shoes to just send my parents to do the talking, to have them tell me about the rejection. imagine them putting their hands on your shoulders looking in your eyes saying "naw son". donno about you, but i'm the better-off-disappointed-alone kinda guy. erm, girl.

why don't guys and girls just get awkward themselves first, because getting the family involved straightaway is just embarrassing. if you're too even goody two shoes you can't talk to each other, consider sending letters or using a trusted middle person to pass the message as simple as this

"can i see your wali and get a yes?"

"can."

see, simple! awkwardness averted! heartbreak (in front of elders) spared!

ni dah berkias berpantun bermadah bagai siap bawak kaum kerabat pastu kena reject, lol.

in my ideal imagination both sides already know the answer. talk to each other first, then talk to your parents. see what they say. they can discuss when the parents meet. discussion is good, even if it's not in your favour. way much better than a rejection, right? to me, we're living right here and now, so it's realistic and practical. the parents meet just to make it formal, if it is to be made official. the parents can still meet just for the sake of it, once you at least know where it's going even if you don't know how and when. it's informal and fun. if you don't think it will be, then restrain from introducing the parents and wait until you really have to, haha.

another thing is about chaperoning. i once chaperoned two awkward people, leaving me awkward in the middle. because it was their first time. at least me being there was not as awkward as it would have been with family! imagine meeting for the first time or going out at early stage with family, when you yourselves are awkward enough without your family interfering and just making things more awkward cos they are family. right???... or is it just me. cos i have the last child syndrome and inferiority complex or something....

i'm awkward with my own family, sooo *shrugs. i guess it's best to be chaperoned by somebody who knows you well, cool enough, yet knows the boundary. no matter who that is, doesn't always have to be family. like me. i'm perfect. why? no, not why i'm perfect. do you really have to ask, lolololulz. why are people like me the perfect chaperons? and people like me need the perfect chaperons? because we weirdos have weird families. apart from my mom, my family don't know much about me besides what they have to know, you know, like where i live or what age i am. although my brothers used to be confused, but i guess that would do that they knew i was a girl. hm. apart from my mom, i don't talk much to my family besides what they have to know, you know, like what i studied. although my brother asked me if i was going to fly overseas in my 3rd semester of alevel, but at least he asked. hm. no, he was not wrong. that's a really good question. of course i wanted to, but was i going to? deep there.

but let's just stick to marriage thingies shall we cos we've covered that topic in the previous post and i wanna chill.

how are you supposed to have that deeper conversation with the potential spouse in front of the person whom you've never had deeper conversation with?

i feel like if i ever, when pigs fly, had my brothers chaperoned me, it would be more of a session in which they were the ones who would get to know me. such a pity when i'm so fly in the outside world, sigh~

but of course, my brothers would never chaperon me. they would never let me see somebody. they would never let me get married. not that i never did hahahah. i mean, not the married part. it's hard when babah's not around. for a lot of reasons, but in this area it's particularly harder. i bet if babah was still here he wouldn't mind. after all, he and mama got the coolest parents award, remember? cool in a controlled way, cey. if babah was here, there would only be one obstacle. babah and mama were one unit. they could discuss and decide. when angah wanted to get married at 21, babah just let him but mama let in her thoughts first. girls. but he got married anyway. now, babah's not here. i've got 5 obstacles. mom and third brother are cool though. i said to mama "how do you expect me to bring anybody home, with them, at home?"

that's why we prefer to not do it at home, lol, i mean bring the matters to family's concern.

bro 1, this is the same mom when you brought your girlfriend you met in US when we were in UK having a family trip. bro 2, this is the same mom you asked to bring your girlfriend to stay at home every school holiday because she lives faraway. bro 3, this is the same mom whom you showed your girlfriend to during your solat hajat pmr, but u cool so ok. bro 4, this is the same mom when you had all your girlfriends since forever till the end of your single life. i don't know what you guys call them back then but don't think i don't know. jadi jangan jadi poyo. my mom said ala biar je, mana tau dorang tak kasi. sebab dorang poyo sejak azali maaa.

cos my brothers weren't so innocent, maybe they think every guy is the same, like them. muahahah. so they don't trust anybody with..... male genes. so unfair for me tsk. but my mom, she got babah who was super nice the ultimate good guy but never cowardice, so she thinks, despite saying nobody can be like babah, that males generally are like babah. maybe my parents just got the cool genes and my bros don't. something about recessive alleles or something, idk. bye bio. 

so i say, it's not going to work if you ask their family members about them or get their family members to chaperon you, if the family doesn't really know the person. it happens.

why i'm rambling about this is because i feel, not all old ways suit the modern days. of course, you don't have to abandon all, you've just got to modify it a bit. plus, all those stuffs about asking parents for one's hand in marriage or asking family about one's self, solely, was necessary only because people back then don't know each other!!! how else are you going to talk to a girl if the girl doesn't talk to guys and only stays at home? now, even girls who stay at home have internet. loool.

well, if you still choose the meet the parents first then only talk after you're wedded, good for you, you goody two shoes.

i'm also rambling because i just talked to my mother about this. as usual, she only listens while she does her things. besides that, i'm in the process of assisting somebody with my expertise to woo... women. i realize it's not easy either, the games people these days play. you've gotta have tactics and strategies and breaks and plans and backup plans. i feel my brain cells connecting, what a wingwoman. i don't always get to put my skills into practice, but when i do it's for helping a friend. sigh. dude if she falls for you, she falls for me. i'm so smooth and subtle and most importanly, syara' compliant *wink. hahahaha

anyway, despite me being so bajet talking about marriage so poyo, i think i'll end up an old maid.

it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

ok i'm out, bye.

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.

Great Gatsby Grand Dinner ALUK10

24/6/2014 was the last day. in the morning we had the final paper. in the evening we had the grand dinner.

lepas habis last exam tu, lepas habis alevel tu, rasa macam... weh dah habis weh. dah free. tapi.... apa aku nak buat dengan hidup ini. apa nak buat dengan masa depan?! stop! jangan fikir pape. kita enjoyyy! 

sebenarnya dah stop fikir masa depan before start exam lagi hahaha. jangan fikir boleh buat ke tak, sempat ke tak. buat je apa boleh, redah je. kalau fikir boleh panic attack. so jangan fikir. tengah2 exam pun cuba tak fikir pasal result. buat je la apa yang boleh buat lagi. usaha, pasrah. kalau fikir boleh depress. so jangan fikir.

my life is a series of running away from reality. i should do a marathon. cos you know, i said series. the only marathon i do is finishing a tv series. and i said run, so like, marathon. ok you get the joke. (did you?)

orang panggil tangga ni tangga cinderella. depan exam hall kitorang, bawah class juniors. junior tengok je senior macam ni. kau tak paham dik apa kami lalui. korang program ktj berapa bulan je, apa tau jerit perih dua tahun alevel kat sini. tsk. terasa sangat dewasa ketika itu lulz.

finishing the final paper, completing alevel, all felt surreal. almost like a fairytale. but i hope a good happy ending awaits us in this one too. insyaallah, amin. now we wait for a fairy, we wait for a miracle. we've fought enough, bruised and wounded from the battle. so now, we wait like a damsel. a damsel in distress.

but first......

semua telah bertransformasi! now everyone's a princess!.... and the guys are dudes in suits!

Glasgow, 10SS1, Social Science, interview code LN0332 ;)

kuang hasam betul ommelayu. janji pukul 8, korang datang pukul 9?! tabiat janji melayu camni toksah bawak fly la ye. buat malu je. aku punyalah menepati masa, masuk dalam tu dok tunggu ternganga, sungguh patuh. tak sempat nak bebetul make up, aw. dah masuk tu tak terfikir pulak nak kuar touch up, aw.

ok i tell u wat la k. malam tu first time aku make up in public. sebelum ni main sorang2 je prektis hihiks. tak nampak sangat dalam gambar tapi tengok muka kat cermin rasa cam dah cukup. memula segan sebab tak biasa, tapi fikir bila lagi jika bukan masa ini?! so aku pun make up la sementara tutorial memember pakai shawl. sebelah tangan pegang blusher sebelah lagi lilitkan kepala orang lol. mungkin sebab aku bersiap dengan geng yang tak beriya, aku jadi segan sebab rasa paling over. sekali bila tengok orang lain, perghlamakkk.

ada yang make up macam pro gila. ada yang tak nampak berbedak pun sebelum ni malam tu vavavoom. ada yang konon kawen pun taknak make up kecuali depan suami tapi sekali hamboi3. ada yang natural beauty selama ni malam tu ya rabbi artificial beauty dia buat aku cair, ngan make up aku sekali cair hahaha. ok ama, lek. 

make up pun gambar end up kekuningan buat hape?!

aku berbedak je selama ni paling up pun letak eyeliner, kata nak make up masa kawen je sebenarnya bukan sebab poyo tapi sebab tak reti, natural beauty pun hmmm Allah dah ciptakan manusia sebaik-baik makhluk kan, jadi... loool. tapi mama saya suka jika anak dia tampil senonoh. tu untuk post lain, tapi kat post ni nak selit sikit dia lah pemangkin semangat untuk aku cuba sendiri buat pertama kali segalanya. takdela segala sangat, malam tu gua taruk bedak blusher eyeshadow eyeliner lipstick jer. tetiba tak rasa nak pakai mascara, sebab tu mata masih kecil dan tiada ilusi bundar hahaha. sebab itu juga lah kening bersepah sikit, sebab mascara boleh guna untuk rapikan dan highlight your eyebrow! #makeup101

warning: make up susah wehhh. memula aku nak putus asa dah. pastu mak aku kata benda yang aku salu kata..... "google lah." petunjuk. pebimbing. muka mak aku dengan aku tak sama. memang tau, tapi masa ni lagi la nampak muka aku muka bapak. kena perhati dengan teliti jenis mata, bentuk muka, segala. pape yang mama cakap dia buat masa muda, kalau aku buat sumpah jadi laughing stock. lain muka, lain caranya. rupanya make up ni tak semudah "sapu blusher di pipi, oles eyeshadow di mata." tidak ye. atau muka aku je yang tak mudah hm. make up is an art. which took me some attempts to master. tak master pun tapi takdela jadi clown yang mata lebam ditumbuk pipi merah ditampar malam tu ennn. kira senonohlah anak mama ni. 

"you must be proud of me, i'm all grown up, i finally wear make up and don't stumble in these not-so-high heels, i'm no longer a girl, i'm a lady, mama!" bisik hati bangga.

reaksi mak tengok gambar dinner: "make up malam kena tebal baru nampak."..... ok. terima kasih. akan cuba lagi pada masa hadapan... tah bila. boleh je nak buat seperti yang telah dicuba di rumah sendiri yang hasilnya terharu rasa "terer gak aku. kengkawan nak kawen upahlah, kita kira harga memember. ok cepatla kawen sesape nak duit ni pls." kualiti hanya dijamin kalau muka kita sebijik la sebab mata lain pipi lain aku tak google lak camne hahaha.

tetiba cakap pasal make up en, gegurl gilew.

yang penting semua look good okayyy malam tu, teruja/terharu.

selaku class rep, ijad susunkan sape duduk dengan sape

pastu ijad pi main band lak kat depan

ijad aku bangga dengan kau. dia masa baru masuk intec, penyegannyaaa. kitorang salu kacau dia sebab best kacau orang segan saje gelak tengok respon dia. aku pun memang suka kacau laki pemalu dari dulu kahkah. sebab lain untuk kacau ijad: 1. hafiz in the making mengaji... ya rabbi. menyanyi pun... ya tuhan. 2. ada bakal isteri dah, alhamdulillah brother! cepat-cepatla kawen, eh tapi ijad taknak kawen muda, ok cepat-cepatlah habiskan 30 juzuk hehe.

amrizad yang dahulunya penyegan di awal kehidupan intec, di pertengahan perjalanan ketika dipaksa menyanyi di kelas punyalah payah tapi sekali buka mulut semua terpana, tapi di penutup dua tahun ini, beliau naik ke pentas dan menyanyi di hadapan semua. such change, much confidence, so wow :')

nani and me, nani is my roommate and yes, classmate

first day masuk intec, sesi ice breaking sambil kemas bilik, kitorang bersyukur kitorang banyak persamaan. dalam hal lain berbeza, tapi dari segi family, sama. aku dengan dia sama cara, sama pemikiran, sama perasaan, sama manja haha (walaupun nani lagi manja kot hik hik). tapi lepas tu, kitorang tak berkongsi sangat pasal persamaan kitorang ni.... sampaila hari-hari terakhir kami bersama. kadang-kadang banyak persamaan pun susah jugak kan sebab kita nak benda sama, tapi kat situla belajar tolak ansur. semester akhir, baru semakin menghargai dorang semua sebab semakin banyak spend time together :') when i was still in intec, towards the end, i felt that i already missed my housemates. they were the first people i missed, like the house was the first place i missed. i wish i had a picture with yana that night. i wish dayah was there at the dinner and we all could take a picture together :(

asma and sayra :)

lily and ana :)

lily and ama :)

insyaallah... to the same place we'll go, with ummul. insyaallah.

this is ummul...... need a new post for this to say everything, or the things that are okay to say.

or just nothing because we ourselves know everything and everything that it means to me :')

ceka, lily, izzy, ama, ana, anis :)

sedih je dua2 selfie blur haha. ama and asma, boleh jadi tongue twister.

unexpected friendship to that unintended depth at the last minute in those last unfortunate days, despite all the unreasonable obstacles, we are friends. for that and more, i thank you :')

ama and aina :)

annnddd.....

amalina and amrizad. hahaha. inilah ijad! ijad apahal kau kurus sangat hah?! makin melebar aku di sebelah ijad yang turun 20 kg dalam masa 2 tahun. hm. 20 ke 12. tunjuk ajarku sifu (dia dah tunjuk ajar tapi tak berjaya sebab pemalaih haih)

selamat kot letak gambar ni kat sini. ke ada sesapa nak screen shot tolong report? aku tak faham class aku. classmate pompuan lain main2 pasal ijad, it's a joke. nak kawen bila ijad mengaji nak pengsan bila ijad menyanyi la apa la haha. it's all for a good laugh. tapi bila aku main2 pasal ijad, it's a thing! korang ingat aku takleh main2 ke hah?! dasar tak kenal ama sebenar. lol. 

?????????????????????????????????????

ni dari whatsapp class oke. gambar atas farewell french lecturer party sem 2, masa aku baru kawan ngan ijad dan mula sembang pasal hidup. tetiba kecoh, padahal kitorang tengah cerita pasal kisah cinta dia! gambar bawah farewell friends and lecturers party sem 4, masa ni tengah nyanyi sandiwara cinta lol. ijad kena paksa perform, cam biasa, tapi segan, cam biasa. kitorang ulang je lagu tu sebab aku suruh sebab aku suka padahal dia nak lagu lain haha. akhirnya perform gak sandiwara cinta, satu kelas siap sing a long. we sang a long to Sempurna and Kenangan Terindah too, it was nice. i liked that moment during the practice session. it started only the two of us quietly singing sandiwara cinta, then some people talking in a group heard it, and started singing with us too, but it was really slow and low :)

ijad ajar main gitar. takpela sifu tak sempat nak belajar satu jam. tapi best!

amalina and amrizad jadi bahan ejek sejak kitorang dua jadi ketua kelas alis kot. dah lah quran sama kaler maroon. dah lah am am. dah lah point exam asyik sama hahah. nasib baik jap je the thing, kalau tak awkward gak aku nak baik ngan dia sesikit kena. oh ye. aku pernah blog pasal ijad, dekat satu post tak bernama. haha ce teka ce teka.

ok bukan wedding photo booth, lek lek semua lek

me and zuhad hehe. we don't always talk but when we do, it ends up as girl talk :3 malam semalam tu dengan dia la dari hal exam sebab taknak stress, terus cakap pasal luvh lyfe kononnya. bajet je. takpe zuhad tak perlu lah set up kita dengan sesiapa. haha baru teringat, she once asked me to be her kakak ipar, comel je juad. siang tu balik lepas exam, dok sebelah dia dalam bas. we shared girly secrets. since it's "ala last day so what the heck" and all the now and never what do you have to lose kinda spirit, we revealed who our crushes were ;)

speaking of which, this picture is the death of me. i dead.

teruskan hidup, sebab hidup ini penuh barakah, kan shasha? rapat lagi, nak amek berkat sikit. eh. hew hew

(she's my girl crush in the class!!! her gang even put a restraining order against me)

sayra and i! :) love love. we share some pretty little secrets, plans of joint venture for future business based on respective interests and a liking for a certain activity, um, let's just call it a hobby hehe

me and madi!!! ok ni bukan classmate. madi architecture. tapi ni schoolmate sekolah rendah! geng menari sway masa last dinner sklk :') six years later, saw her at the interview and ended up together here :) finally, photos with madi. dari awal masuk jumpa je salu "kita kena tangkap gambar sama!", "bila nak selfieee?", "nanti habis alevel amek gambar tau!" pernah selfie sekali dalam bas, bergambar sama sekali masa ni hehe. comel je madi.

self....reflect diri

ama and nureen! thanks for everything, i appreciate it :)

ama and wani! sorry for everything, i regret it. LOOOL. hang baca tak kalini. laih taim aku belog pasai hang tak bernama walaupun tak patut la kan tapi sebab itu yang aku rasa aku nak hang baca sendiri, bukan dengaq dari sapa-sapa or dengaq dari mulut aku cos lbr masa tu kita mana bukak mulut hahaha. tapi benda dah jadi nak buat lagu mana, maap la sapa suruh tak baca belog aku muahaha. ni la bila dua orang nampak cam cold-hearted bic padahal soft-hearted babies buat drama. nanti2 ah cita pasai hang. sayang hang bai 

anis and ama :)

this is ika. bukan classmate. ni legend ni, takkan taktau. dialah admin group INTEC 2012/2014 yang menyatukan kami semua sebelum masuk intec lagi! berterima kasih pada ika cepat :')

sebulan sebelum jejak kaki kat situ kitorang dah orientasi melalui teknologi dah. those were the good old times, when everybody was excited to start this journey and now.... we've ended it. awww. everybody had too much time on their hand and nobody else to talk to because all our friends had continued their studies, so we were left alone at home with each other to mingle virtually with. 

masa tu aku bising dalam group tu, bersembang tah dengan sape-sape yang masuk intec tak kenal pun habis intec tak ingat pun. tapi ada yang kenal, ada yang ingat, ada yang kawan sampai sekarang :)

ada yang tengah sama sembang sekarang as i am typing this, haha.

some of them, i do hope to befriend beyond the facebook group and beyond the college compound.

to the infinity, and beyond! k.

oh and i received a chocolate dedication. i was chilling at my table when a junior handling the event came to our table asking for amalina. cuak jap.... then i was handed a chocolate. took me a second to read what's written on the chocolate and realize oh... ada orang kasi coklat. em, thanks. donno who you are, i had three guesses but it's all wrong and wani said she didn't give it, haha. i'm out of guesses but i guess it must have been a friend then. tak makan lagi coklat tu. tapi tenkiu hehe.

the night after dinner night. the glamz fades away, kids.

"hidup di dunia ini tidaklah melainkan main-main dan senda gurau. akhirat itu lebih baik bagi orang yang bertaqwa."

(tetiba. ramadhan, ramadhan.)

Istanbul + Lisa + Beto + Warkah + Aku

tadi aku tengok Istanbul Aku Datang.

random gila, tetiba je post pertama sejak kemunculan semula bajet comeback ni pasal movie, movie lama lak tu. hidup kena random. baru unpredictable dan menerujakan (?). ni first time tengok cite ni sejak tengok kat wayang dulu, tengok ngan sape tah. diena ke hazirah? macam diena. sebab kalau tengok ngan diena tak segan salu nangis sesama hahaha hai hajer :3 

rasanya insiden Mana Jodohku bersama diena tu jadi pas tengok cite ni. ke KIL? ke semua cite? LOL

"nak jugaaak, mana beto kita?!"

*dua indon lalu*

"takpe, we'll wait."

hahaha keji.

cite ni best sebab orang yang buat cite ni ialah orang sama yang buat cite Gol & Gincu dan Pisau Cukur. cite melayu yang best walaupun malangnya, westernized. tapi best. siapa suruh cerita melayu yang lain lame gila?! lagi2 jiwang islamik!! allergic!!! *terus trending: "keretapi dikecam industri filem melayu kerana mengecam industri filem melayu"/"keretapi hilang jati diri"/"keretapi sekular" lol. best kat sini dari segi plot, character development, natural dialogue, fresh idea, cinematography dan sebagainya ye. ha kau ingat aku takleh cakap bahasa orang filem ke.

cite ni jugak best sebab ada kelakar, sedih, drama, semua ada. di sini saya ingin menekankan bab emo movie ni.

sudah semestinya masa azzad (tomok) maki dian (lisa my pretty bby). masa dia cakap merewang jalang segala tu, tengok muka dian pun dah sedih. masa tu harris (beto ma boo) yang bising, dian diam je. dia pandang azzad dengan muka "sanggup kau cakap camtu? sanggup kau fikir camtu? i'm so done, i can't even, whatever." haaa. it's worse when someone just stays silent, instead of saying more. they shut up, they give up. then after fist fight cat fight tu, scene harris basuhkan rambut dian sambil dian menangis. aku gelak, sebab lawak, tapi pada masa sama aku nangis jugak. faham tak perasaan dia? faham tak background music buat lebih feel?? faham tak???

pastu malam terakhir lisa dekat istanbul, yang dia deep conversation dengan harris. harris kata dia pernah ada pengalaman macam dian, tapi dia teruskan. sebab "dua hidup yang dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan." faham. tapi akhirnya berakhir jugak, walaupun bukan sebab tu. faham. benda kalau dah nak jadi, atau takkan jadi, memang tak boleh buat apa. manusia kalau dah memang bermasalah, pusing la banyak mana pun, pura-pura la selama mana pun, memang terhenti sampai situ je. faham.

nak nak lagi masa ni:

faham sangat.

dian kata, azzad tu dia dah kenal bertahun-tahun, bukan seminggu dua! harris balas... "ye. saya yang awak baru kenal seminggu dua," dan terus berlalu pergi. YA ALLAH ALL THE FEELS. sumpah ah. feel untuk dian, feel untuk harris, feel untuk diri sendiri, feel untuk satu dunia! 

dian, dear. i understand. it is easier to trust somebody you've known for years, even though they've betrayed your trust, simply for the reason that you have known them for years. you know them longer than anyone else. but it doesn't mean you know them better... logically, statistically, theoretically, you would, but that isn't always the case... maybe that's the rule, but we are the exception. you'd think that, what's a mistake compared to many other things he does right? yes, but what kind of mistake this is? how bad did he do you wrong? was it accidental or by choice? you'd think that, at least you know him, and you could have had a lot worse, and what if he will be better, and what if you won't get another? yes, but you can also get to know other people. who can be far better than him. even if they are way worse, so what? would you settle for somebody who's not worth it just for the sake of settling? no right? we are better than that.

you are better than that. i mean, look at you.

i can't stop looking.

lisa surihani my pretty lady, you're undoubtedly the prettiest girl... ever. you're both beautiful and cute, in both looks and personality. kalau omputeh, i rasa camni kat zooey deschanel, kalau ommelayu, you. yang tengok tak pernah jemu. usha tak pernah bosan. segan nak cakap tapi kengkadang i stalk you, just to see your face and it makes me feel... happy. ok let's not show the world how creepy you are ama. (i'm heterosexual). 

i hate yusry.

azzad is the epitome of guys i hate. wanna know what? watch the scene when he oh so pathetically explained to dian why he did the thing he did. what he did, and the reasons for it, are what make me hate a guy.

faham sangattt.

kesian dian. boleh bayangkan tak. jauh-jauh datang istanbul dengan agenda nak buat boyfriend dia ajak dia kawen. sekali lain yang dapat. bila dah dapat sakit jiwa patah hati macam tu, boyfriend ajak kawen pulak siap bajet sweet nak balik malaysia sekali. akhirnya dian dapat apa dia nak. tapi berbaloikah? 

TIDAKKK!!!!!

*sambil soundtrack nyanyian tomok, sungguh ironik, beralun sementara dian buntu*

Aku datang kepadamu

Aku datang mencarimu

Tapi kau pergi dariku

Bagai bayu di jari jari ku

(sedap lagu ni)

it's like, a guy is asking for another chance, and that is exactly what you want, but is it worth it? you are asked to give him time and wait for him to change investing yourself more and more in something you're not even sure of getting the return you hope for? what if it all goes to waste?

dian, dear. i understand. so trust me when i say, just get the hell out of there.

i mean, the relationship or whatever it is undeclared thing you've got going on. but harris? HE'S A KEEPER, KEEP HIM!

i liked beto before it was cool.

no, seriously. i've liked beto since 2009, when he played Rosli Dhoby in Warkah Terakhir. sejak tu tau beto pelakon yang hebat. drama ni pun memang terbaik sangat. menangis macam anak aku pulak yang kena hukum bunuh, tsk. sekarang aku harap beto dapat watak yang buat satu malaysia ternganga tengok bakat dia, sebab beto selalu berlakon cite underrated. thanks beto for giving me the chance to see the lives and share the tears of our national heroes and their loved ones. speaking of which... trivia time! did you know? Rosli had a girlfriend. Rosli asked her to promise him that she would wait for him. until this day, she is still waiting for him. waiting to be reunited, even in death....... how could you not cry???

a love story of exchanging love letters in books, which ended in an everlasting promise. i hope they will have their happy ending, there. so much respect for both. the guy - his courage. the girl - her patience. may they be rewarded, insyaallah.

cite ni style gile

beto lagi hensem dalam cite ni dan cite lain, tapi dalam istanbul rupa dia agak mengecewakan. peh suka hati je. sebab aku tak suka rambut dia! you look better with short hair! rambut tu buat awak nampak macam adik-adik sikit. i was hoping the ending scene would feature beto with short hair since it was two years later but sadly, still the side-swept gay hair. oh well, if that's what dian likes i'm in no place to complain. lol.

beto is the epitome of good-looking malay-looking guys. takla hensem sangat tahap artis sekarang, tapi cukup sedap mata memandang. ceh. aku ada kawan yang standard dia mat saleh je. sume omputeh. ommelayu ni bukan taste dia la. tapi dia suka beto! of all mamat melayu! siap layan Geng Surau hari-hari dulu masa bulan puasa sebab beto ada. nampak tak penangan beto khusyairy di situ. he's the definition of attractive, i guess. you like him but you don't know why :3

post ni pasal apa sebenarnya. hmmm.

like dian, i have my plans. i don't only have plans, i have my rules. 

but i'm discarding it all. i have discarded it all. i've learnt that life doesn't always go as planned, and love, certainly never does. i've learnt that i can live without my silly little rules and still have the same amount of dignity and worth, and anybody who thinks i am less decent just because of it, is not worth it. i'm now free and flexible, but that doesn't mean i'm somebody without principles. 

i don't have plans, and i don't have rules, and i'm just fine.

i do things, or don't, because i want to, or don't. because of what i feel at the moment. not because of some plans or rules i made up long ago, not in context and respect of what will or won't happen. you may say what you want but at twenty, after having lived cautiously, i guess i'd say..... i know what i'm doing so don't worry :)

oh and i do not blog like dian does. i do not.

no xoxo. no more.

no.