A New Kind of Sad (maybe an old person kind of sad)

Don't ask why i'm still not asleep.

and also, don't ask why i was looking at my blog posts from 6 years back. I just scrolled through them, not wanting to read any. I saw pictures. pictures of myself, pictures of people.

but among all pictures - like the ones when i had my dream bod loool but laughable face lololol - the pictures which evoked the most emotions were of my nephew, ikmal. or known as malmal, here, some years ago. malmal was popular on this blog :')

it has been years since i put on his photos. because he's a big boy now. he's already in school. the bigger he gets, the more different he becomes. not the chubby boy i used to gomol all the time. when he was little he was so bubbly, babbling with his ayu, now he's shy and hard to talk to. we were close. now it's hard for me to get him to talk, for anyone even. i admit i started paying less attention to him, and more to his little brothers. i feel so bad now. ayu has grown up too, apparently malmal, because ayu feels so bad for not treating you like she used to. but hey! you used to love me too!

ayu and opah always wonder what happened to you, because when you knew no word to say, you talked a lot. but now keep all your words in your mouth. is it because you were silent by kewan? is it because you have nobody at home to be your conversation buddy? ayah always complains about how you're so quiet, he must be worried. like me and opah. i have videos of you talking when you couldn't even talk you know...

now ayu gonna cry.

does ayu feel guilty? perhaps ayu should have talked to you more the few times she saw you, and should not have spent all her time playing with her new, bubbly, babbling, chubby nephews - your brothers. maybe if i did that you wouldn't have been so estranged with me... you liked me a lot you even slept with me, and cried whenever we had to part again, remember? but oh well, i didn't see you that much to make an impact did i... nonetheless maybe you would have liked it if i started some conversations with you. maybe i could - should - have done something differently.

i also feel sad, because seeing a kid's photos when they were little, and comparing it to who they are now.. so big and so different, makes me feel so sentimental... how much i loved them at that time, and now that they are big and different, i am indifferent... and somehow i think this is what my brothers must feel when they look at pictures of baby me. they used to cradle me, rock me in their arms, rush back from school to see me, talk to me on the telephone, write me letters, send me presents... they used to love me like that. 

and now, not anymore. none of that. i don't mind, honest. it's just sad, if this is what they feel every time they look at my old pictures, grin and say "you used to be cute." now we don't even talk like we must have done a long time ago. like i don't talk to ikmal anymore the way i once did. 

is it my fault too?

i've started to make efforts though... maybe that's just the way it is. and nothing is wrong with that.

but oh well, chances are they have never thought about any of this. because, well. guys.


and i should sleep.

A Story of Lines

Tonight, before i sleep, i'm going to write a bedtime story.

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There was a guy named Johan. Johan had a girlfriend, Tifa. Another guy liked Tifa, the guy was Fahmi. Fahmi didn't care that Tifa was courted, he still befriended her, trying to win her heart. Tifa remained friends with him, because why not, even though Johan knew about Fahmi's intentions. Johan of course was jealous, but he trusted his girlfriend and he would not make that an issue. They were happy together, so why would he bother. One day, Tifa told Fahmi that she and Johan had broken up. Fahmi was relieved.

They broke up because of a girl, Julia. Tifa found out that Johan had a peculiar friendship with Julia, a kind even Julia wouldn't approve of. But Julia really liked being friends with Johan, as Johan did Julia, because both knew they were just friends. However, Johan did like Julia once upon a time, a crush at first sight, and he tried to get close to her, only to be ignored times upon times. Once Johan accepted he had no chance, he met Tifa, and had fallen in love with her since. Too bad Tifa didn't believe just how much Johan really loved her.

Julia ignored Johan at first not because she thought she was better than everyone else, but because she just accepted a guy's request for friendship, and he fell head over heels with her. She did not want anymore of that mess. The guy's name was Muiz, and he happened to be Tifa's friend. Muiz had a close friend which he shared with Julia, Asya. Asya was the bridge between both of them, while Muiz fought hard for Julia and Julia retreated further inside her fort. Asya listened to both of them, two opposing forces. As nature goes, Asya started to have feelings for Muiz. Things got weird.

Afiq, a friend to both Muiz and Asya, knew about all this love drama. Afiq fancied a girl named Nadia, which Asya was so fond of for some reasons. Fast forward to the future while all other stories remain stagnant, all of a sudden Afiq confessed his feelings to Asya, who just finally got together with Muiz, who eventually could put Julia behind him and started new. Asya chose Afiq. This is the real world honey, it's crazy. But it's no surprise what happens to close friends, eh?

Fahmi and Tifa also had a close friend, Bella. They were a trio. Like Asya, Bella fell for Fahmi, but could only stand Fahmi's attempts to woo Tifa. So that day when Bella heard from Fahmi how Tifa was single now and sought his shoulders to cry on, Bella was crushed. Bella told another close friend about this, Alin. Little did Bella know, that Alin knew why Tifa broke up with Johan, that Johan wasn't cheating on Tifa with Julia at all, and that Tifa actually couldn't forget Johan despite being out and about with Fahmi now. Alin knew all this because Alin was close to Julia herself.

But she couldn't console Bella. Because then Bella would know that, regardless of what was said, Julia was indeed the reason for the break up however unintentional. Julia was her friend too. If Bella knew Fahmi still stood no chance even though he was standing next to Tifa now, she would tell him, and he would ask Tifa if it was true, and Tifa would demand to know whom did Johan told about their relationship problems to? The answer is Julia. Oh no, Julia could not cause Johan anymore trouble.

Alin was also caught up with her own troubles, to be fair. Alin was trapped in similar problems to all of them, to our disbelief. She had a trio friendship with a guy and a girl who dated. She became the middle person, and later, the third person. The three of them had a fight with each other, from all three angles. A classic love triangle crisis. Anyway, the boy was Fahmi's friend. Fahmi always picked on Alin for being a homewrecker, but he didn't know the real story. Julia hated Fahmi for that, she almost felt glad Fahmi couldn't make Tifa love him no matter how he tried.

Meanwhile, Julia found out a guy had started falling for her. That guy, Zaf, knew Muiz, who at that time still loved Julia, and knew Kai, another new character and yes yet another guy who took interest in her. There was no definite answer why these guys came flocking to her, seriously.

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This is a story of relations and associations, and how everyone knows each other, that if you were to draw lines connecting them it all can get so very twisted and tangled. And yet, it makes a good story doesn't it?

Edited: Probably because it's true.

Goodnight.

Random Return

I SAID I WOULD NEVER ABANDON MY BLOG

i didn't know i was lying :(

i couldn't imagine life without blogging then... funny how things turned out. scary too... makes you think what kind of person you are. am i gonna abandon something else when i promised not to, like i did to my blog? we'll never know.

tetiba deep.

gawd. okay instead of moaning let's just start writing about something else!

oh my god i didn't even write about the whole time i've been in the UK, about going back to malaysia, and now back in UK again... guys i am sad. help

maybe that's for next time... after i actually start writing again. now, let's start with something... random.

like, RANDOM QUESTIONS! 

(i googled what to write for an hour before i found this)

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

24. I don't even know why. there might be a reason, but unconsciously? lulul

2. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

kindness. everybody needs to be freaking kinder. when you're kind, you'll try to understand better, and if you can't, you'll at least embrace acceptance and practice tolerance. if the whole world is kind there would be no bloody war, gaddamit

3. If you could offer a newborn child one piece of advice, what would it be?

be trustworthy, yet don't trust just anybody. i mean yeah, with pedo case on the rise now, like, why not. it's a good advice!

4. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

i'd kill for a loved one.

5. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yes. i want to let go. but the thorns of regret and disdain, they prick my fingers, piercing my palm and now i'm stuck holding on to it. 

6. Why are you, you?

because i wouldn't want me to be any other way. okla the long answer:

i'm me because i have had strong principles since i was a kid, i don't know where that came from. i'm me because i grew up crying and wanting a different life. i'm me because i still cry at 21 but i don't wish for a different life now. i'm me because i've been hurt and the pain never really left. i'm me because i have achieved things that made me so relieved, and i have also felt so hopeless. i'm me because i have been happy to the point i feel undeserving of it and unfamiliar with it. I'm me because i've had to be the bad guy in some people's stories. i'm me because i have good common sense since i was so young, being aware of things my peers weren't. i'm me because i know myself. i'm me because i'm a potato but a perfectionist, an overachiever but a lazy-arse. i'm me because i've made mistakes and i've been wronged. i'm me because i've lost people and loved others. i'm me because i'm predday darn cool liddat.

here's a random picture

7. What are you most grateful for?

my mother.

now i wanna cry

8. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were really upset? does it matter now?

5 years ago would be... 2010. ahaha i was really upset because all my close friends left me alone for boarding school and there was a period of time when i felt friendless, i'd even excuse myself from class, go to the toilet to blink back tears aggressively lol. on top of that, we had this super dramatic drama involving a teacher, let's just leave it at that. but we were miserable, me and my new friends, for a while ha. i was sad that my boarding school friends would only excitedly talk to each other about their new school, because why would you ask how ama was doing at lembah??? same ol', same ol' right. i remember texting my primary school friend aisyah, during hari anugerah cemerlang when my friends came back for PMR prize giving ceremony. i told aisyah how secluded and ignored i felt, when i had been waiting for that day to come. but it seemed like nobody was waiting to see me. emo. but rightfully so. ku terima banyak anugerah namun apalah maknanya jika rasa tak dihargai rakan. loool. lagi satu, ada la sorang budak ni kan dia sejak masuk asrama kirim salam je nak tanya khabar taknak. aku pun makin emo.

but now... none of that matters :') this time i'm the one who left my friends for uni abroad! but i'm still alone hahaha that's alright mate i'm 5 years older. now i'm all gloriously alone. but friends still 4ever. and the new friends i made 5 years ago? they're my 5ever! budak asrama tu pulak bukan je tanya khabar, benda lain pun dia dah tanya sekarang ni. ama hepi. 

9. What is your happiest childhood memory? what makes it so special?

i don't know which, and i don't know much, but this one comes to mind. i told babah how mama pegang kuat-kuat tangan adik masa jalan. and babah told me, sebab mama sayang adik.

10. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

let everyone read everything i ever wrote, about life, loss, and love.

this feels like the first time blogging again. but i made it!

okbye see you next year LOL