Not the kind of comeback I'd want

the truth is, i doubt myself a lot now. i have regrets too. i too feel what am i doing with my life, what path have i chosen for myself, how will life go for me like this. but it is not as bad as it was last year i guess, so i don't really care about having this negativity. because i thought i was getting better. how i perceive my choices was getting better, how i accept my consequences had getting better; not necessarily mean that it was i who did better at anything.

maybe i don't want to admit it, because it would be a shame if i was to be exposed as this doubtful young adult, when i was once an adolescent with conviction.

i am the type of person who builds myself on the foundation of dreams, faith and goals - that it is easy to get what i want if i just know. but it is also easy to lose my direction if i lack such destination, that i don't try at all. i don't see the point of doing so if i don't see where i will end up to be. i don't remember if i ever blogged about this, but it was bad - the way i completely lost myself. from the highest perk to rock bottom, going along with life day in and day out, but didn't actually live or wanted to see what life had got.

My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?

Gimme A Map, A Place, or A Somebody To Be

alhamdulillah. i've finished my first year of degree :)

*stop reading if you wish to stick to the positive things*

words cannot describe how thankful i am for getting this chance. 

but what can i say? i have found everything, but i have lost myself.

what's worse than not being content with what you've got, is not being content with what you've been given when you used to want it so much.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this, which is why i feel worse. that's what people are going to say anyway. so i just keep quiet. because you don't see it for it to be real to you. or maybe it just exists to me. i make up my own unhappiness and it's all my fault.

what does this girl who has got everything have to complain?

but i am not complaining. i'm just blaming me.

i'm afraid too, that i shouldn't feel like this and i would be punished for it. maybe i am already being punished, that's why i'm feeling like this.

but the feeling is just there. it's always there. no matter how happy i get. even if sometimes i forget it.

i don't like this feeling because it will ruin everything. i know it will affect everything else if i let it. my relationships with people, not just the academic and professional aspects of life. so i don't let it. other people are not responsible for how i feel towards myself.

that is the number one rule to love others, even when you hate yourself. even when others seem to have it better.

be an adult and suck it up. while you're with others, be crazy and funny and happy.

apparently it's easy to succumb to feeling less responsible for your own feelings when you have somebody to depend on emotionally. even if you've depended on yourself all your life. suddenly you are a kid. don't do that. don't hold them accountable for what you feel. you have to be strong as though you are all you've got. don't let them be your excuse for being weak. at first instance of being weak in hope they will give you strength, kick that kid up.

be strong as if all you have is yourself. find that within you, do not look for it in anyone else. because if you don't find it in them, you'll feel they are to be blamed. YOU motivate, push, reassure YOURSELF. if you abandon yourself, it's not anyone's job to make you feel worthy again. if you're not feeling good, it's because you don't make yourself feel good. 

other people can make you happy, but they can't give happiness to you. you're your own responsibility.

this is what i told myself. but maybe it's all just talk.

i've got what i wanted, but i've lost the very thing that helped me to be here.

i was always driven. but now, i don't feel any drive.

i used to do it all for myself. i didn't even do it for my parents. because i had my own motivation, i didn't need any external force to push me. mom didn't push me the way i did. i pushed myself enough. because i aimed high enough, and i was crazy enough to think i could achieve it. now i don't have all that. only now, when nothing's left, do i understand what it means to do it just for your parents. not even for yourself.

thinking mama is praying so hard for me. mama has done so much. i should do this at least for her.

i have lost myself, that i basically only have mama.

does that make me a bad daughter, or does it mean i am just so screwed?

i'm so tired of feeling like this. it's like a hole i keep falling into. sometimes people bring me flowers, sometimes the sun shines through, but it doesn't take away the fact that i am in a hole, which in my mind, i dig myself. 

preach about it from academical or religious point of view, thank you. but of course i knew it all already. of course that's what i've been telling myself. i don't just let myself drown, you know. i tried. but the hole is too deep.

i've broken down too much i can't build anything up anymore. not even hope. it gets to the point where i feel i should talk to somebody, like i need help. real help. but that's probably just me being overdramatic. just ignore it.

i've made some attempts to change things. it did not work. but i'll try again with other things...

i want to find what i've lost. i want to find that focus again. i want to think of what i want like i used to do, and like i used to do, make it happen.

i want to feel the stress. i want to feel the struggle to get what i want. 

my problem is, i don't know what i want anymore. i've got what i wanted, now what? i thought by going with the flow, and taking life easy, that would chill me down, that would be good for me. but instead, i let myself down. it's bad for me, not being stressed out to get something. struggles, are good. it's good to have something worth fighting for. now i don't have any cause in life. no fight.

i've long known, i just don't know how...

i've told you it's petty. you should have stopped reading.

i don't know when did i become this person who is in need for self-love. i thought not letting all those things define me shows that i love myself enough in spite of not becoming what the world wants me to be. but i forgot i have my wants too, and not becoming what i want, deprives me of the self-love i once had and treasured. i used to feel i was enough. now, having people loving me, isn't even enough for me to love myself. what an irony.

i am afraid this will make me unable to love selflessly. because to love people selflessly, you have to fully love yourself first.

and i want to be easy to love. i don't want to make it hard for people who love me.

i feel useless and worthless, it actually makes me sad. i think that's why i'm so down all the time. it affects my mood to study, it affects my mood with people. i try to hide it or distract it, suppressing in any way i can but it just happens. it doesn't change the fact that i feel it.

i don't have any mark in this world. i don't have any impact in people's lives. the world and people need changing, but my existence doesn't change a thing. i could have just been a bird and it would make no difference. even birds have their functions.

is it because i didn't choose what would push me the hardest. but no. don't regret your choices. don't. i chose this and Allah chose it for me. i am the one who has to make the most out of it. at least something. it's not grand, but it will be good. i've always favoured good over grand anyway. the thing is at this rate, it's nothing.

when i feel like this, i'd like to think about The Fault in Our Stars. the guy, is something like me. he wanted to do good things in life. but instead, he was sick. and dying. and became a burden. he felt like what i feel. the only difference is he at least had a legit reason for feeling like that. i am alive and kicking. and still feel just as bad.

anyway, it got to the point where the girl had to tell him off. that him feeling useless and worthless made it seem as if she meant nothing to him when he had touched her life too. she said he might want to be a hero, but that's not his life. he got her, that's the best he could get, so suck it up. sorry it's not the world you changed, but me. something like that.

i used this a lot to help me cope.

but i still know that's fiction, thank you.

and i will still feel it anyway.

others think i could be an inspiration, where i am now. they don't know that being here, i am not inspired at all. but it's okay, oxygen will get me by.

i have this habit of making "ama emo" a thing. i say it a lot to purposely make it lose its meaning. i don't know why but it's how i deal with things when i don't want people to make me deal with it. kind of my escape word. because it happens, so you don't have to worry about it. it's just ama emo moments. it's gonna go away.

don't worry about it. i'm gonna be ok :)

Because I Was Bitter and Now It Doesn't Matter

ctrl + click, click, click

19.9.2013

What i have learned is if you were once with somebody and it went wrong, you would want somebody new to find the right one. and then if you once felt something serious but it disappeared, you would want something new just to fool around.

once you have moved on from that one guy, you start noticing other guys. probably more than you should.

27.9.2013

Don't love people because of what they do for you and how the make you feel. love people for who they are and what you feel because of them. love their existence, not their action. maybe that's irrational, but maybe that's real.

11.11.2013

They say you're never gonna forget your first love. i know no first love, but i can say that's bullshit. i say, you will never forget your first heartbreak. it doesn't mean you can't move on from the person, it only means you can't let go of the reason. the feeling has long gone, but you still feel the heartache.

regardless of what i feel, i'm not gonna be the reason someone is hurt the way i was, i'm not gonna indulge in this guilty pleasure at the expense of somebody else's pain. yes i won't mind, i want fun, i won't cross the line. this is nothing, only two acquaintances connecting but the uncertainty of something with no label outbalances the treaty of what is official.

for the first time i don't care, because i know it won't hurt me. but this devil may care attitude might hurt somebody. just because my free heart doesn't have any feeling that doesn't mean i'm heartless to the point of hurting someone else's.

6.12.2013

Have you ever met someone whom when you get to know them better you realize it is more dangerous than you thought it was? for the reason that two of you are more alike than anyone else you have encountered? in opinions and experiences which make you think you have been on your own all these years?

1.2.2014

I don't take guys seriously. except under certain circumstances.

27.2.2014

Now i'm not rushing to find the one. i just want to meet new people and get to know them, and if i find him in the process, that makes life easier doesn't it?

7.3.2014

My friend said i need a man, not a guy. it's not that i need it but it's that mere guys don't deserve me. i need a guy who knows what to do with me.

my mom said as long as he's a good guy like babah, it's enough. enough? to get a guy that good enough is already too much!

13.3.2014

When you love someone you see something in them that others don't. ironically, it's why love is blind.

13.3.2014

Two things have changed.

1. I'm no longer a damsel in distress. i'm many years way passed that phase.

2. I don't want to complete anybody or clean up after somebody else's mess.

13.3.2014

Even if i found the perfect guy. he won't be perfect for me. because i'm not perfect. i don't want someone who's perfect to me. i need someone who's perfect for me.

a guy said, "i love her even when she's not that great, not that pretty." did you really have to say that? the fact that you said that alone shows that you care about it but for some ~divine~ reasons you still like that person? oh i don't know, maybe she's the only person left or the only one who ever pays attention to you, even if it's out of sympathy?

excuse me. saying you like someone but you don't know why despite them not being so great or pretty, that's idiotic love. that's not blind love. that's idiotic.

i'm not saying you should only look for someone great or pretty for your love to ever be considered valid. i'm saying that's selfish love. what i meant is you should see in someone something great or pretty about them that other people might not notice or bother that it exists. that's what you should love. even if the whole world don't bother.

if you're gonna say "oh i don't know what i love about you but i do." man, that's not romantic at all. that's idiotic. of course you have to love something about her. of course there's something to love. and yet, you don't know that and you say you love this person? pfft.

i'll tell these people to find someone they can say "you're great and pretty and i love you" to and leave the rest of us the heck alone.

it's better to see somebody as beautiful because you love them, than to love somebody because you think they are beautiful.

27.3.2014

I'd rather want a bad boy who is bold and loyal than a nice guy who is a coward or a player.

13.4.2014

Just because it's the perfect love story or the perfect friendship doesn't mean it's yours to keep.

13.4.2014

I don't look for someone because i want to get married. i want to get married because i've found the one.

i'm not that type of person. i will get married only for love. but i know love alone isn't enough to keep a marriage last. sparks will disappear. flames will extinguish. feelings fade away. emotions are only a ride, not the whole journey. of course it's going to take a lot more than just love.

i want a good guy. but i don't want a nice guy. for some reasons. besides, don't you know nice guys finish last? and honestly, i don't want to wait.

14.4.2014

If you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me.

15.4.2014

I think among other challenges being married to me is don't change me to be what i don't want to be.

if you have other criteria for a wife and i don't fit in your cup of expectation, please look for somebody else who is better to you, for you. for there are many women out there who are better than me. that, is if you plan on shaping me into your mold. if i'm just fine the way i am to you and i just need to improve on being a better me, because we all have to at some point, then that's not a problem.

i can be a rebel. note that.

19.5.2014

I'm not a hopeless romantic. I'm a romantic realist.

20.5.2014

I don't want a guy who can't live without me. i don't want to be wanted just because i'm why he lives, i'm what keeps him alive. i don't want to be wanted just because i am the reason. because i'm not that person. i don't want someone i can't live without. i want someone i want to live with.

love shouldn't be treated like oxygen. air keeps us alive. we want air to keep living. we need it. i don't want to be wanted just because i'm needed nor do i need a guy to want him. i want to be wanted for me. not needed for anybody. i want to want a guy because i want him. i could have had anyone else, i could have chosen freedom, but no, i want him. not because i need him.

if you could live without air, if you don't need it, would you still want it?

although air holds a vital value in our lives, i don't want to be air. unless, in that alternate universe, somebody let go the liberty of living without limit, to breath in me. of all the choices of skies and spaces, he chooses the earth, because that's where i am. all around him. inside him. he doesn't need me. but he wants me.

that's what i want. not what i need.

26.5.2014

No, not not good enough for somebody. but not good for somebody.

if we're talking about looking for someone who's good enough, it will never end. there will always be someone better and better and better and you'll never settle with the best person because it doesn't exist.

that's why i want someone who's good for me. he might not be good enough to some, heck he might not be good at all to them. who cares? he's not the best or better than everybody else, it's not the matter of him being good enough for me or i him, it's about us being good for each other,

so yeah. i might end up with a sk8rboi or that guy with rugged style or that hunk behind glasses or that dude in a band or that average joe or anyone at all, and if i like him, i like him. he doesn't have to be that good a guy. just good for me.

and i believe that's good enough.

29.5.2014

i should have met somebody by now since i plan to get married no later than 25 and i must know that dude for at least 7 years before we do.

i thought of this when i was, idk, in primary school? so let's not question if it's valid ok. but there's certainly some logic to it. a part of the logic was, if you can't be my friend for 7 years, how can you be my husband for a lifetime? that's why we need to test for our compatibility and chemistry first, and contrary to popular belief, i don't believe this is what they call a 'test drive' or worst, when it doesn't work out, 'a used toy.' at least not my idea of doing it. maturity is key.

it's not necessarily courtship, more like a constant friendship. though it really depends on your definition and i couldn't care less what you think of me if you judge me based on my status. but yeah, constant friendship. not just friends where hey i know you and you know me. but constant friends where we're really friends for seven consecutive years. that way we can see if there's chemistry and compatibility without courting each other. fine, kinda like courtship but no, i have a whole different idea in my head. even if it is, i know what i'm doing so please kindly remove your nose out of my business thank you.

but i know life enough to know things don't always go as planned and we don't always get what we want or well, initially wanted.

5.6.2014

Someone whom i share no mutual friends with would be nice. 

i don't want some people from my past to be in my future just because i get married to somebody.

like, yall are just gonna find out i'm married when you see me with a kid. ha! not that you'd care if i wouldn't invite you, but i'd care if he would.

17.6.2014

crush. no heartache no heartbreak no hurting. no commitment and consistency and care which is okay. if i'm not gonna get any i might as well not get all!

if you can't give me commitment at least give me consistency and if that is still so hard on your part at least show that you freaking care once in a while! you know why? because it's not gonna be easy to convince me. you can't pop out of nowhere and pop the question. i get nothing from my crush and the most i can get is brief eye contact, which is already more than enough for me and it makes me happy. unattainable people at least have reasons why they are unattainable. like they don't know me. no excuse. like they just don't care. let me live this way. it's not real, but at least i can imagine what if it was real and not hurting myself over the thought of how it should have been possible. 

i sound so much like a school girl. and i didn't sound like a school girl when i was a school girl. like i've said i guess we all have our phases. mine is all jumbled up, understanding something too early and learning something too late.

21.6.2014

at twenty, i realize that i'm young and i tell myself that i should be living on the fast lane, grab what i can get, take the chance i want and despite having much time i can't waste it on anything or anybody which and whose value and return won't appreciate, because i have no time to wait.

15.7.2014

casual. not committed and consistent. not focused. but free and flexible.

delete

Flying Off #1: Result A-Level

dah dua bulan aku dekat UK. so hai!

ok am i the worst blogger or what?

aku pun taktau macam mana aku boleh hidup berbulan-bulan tanpa kongsi berita gembira ini dengan keretapi yang selama ni tahan je dengar cerita hidup aku. it's not that i've stopped blogging. i was still blogging without actually blogging. tengok fb tengok insta lah hahaha. if anybody's wondering why it's hard for me to stick to one or two lines while updating status and uploading photos, like normal humans - this is why. i love writing and i miss blogging. kesah hape aku aku buat blog post dekat tempat tak sepatutnya pun. kau kisah, kau takyah baca. eh ke lagi kisah lagi nak baca? aw thank you *blushing*

if you have my social media accounts, you'd pretty much know what's up with me. aku tak connect blogger dengan fb sebab... aku nak keretapi ialah keretapi. privacy. facebook ialah facebook. juga privacy. tapi ada yang dah ikut blog ni berzaman, sentiasa beri sokongan dan layan aku meroyan (ada ke? hikhik) sampai aku rasa jika wujud spesis ini, aku patut jadi kawan fesbuk mereka. tsk. sebab aku rasa bersalah, dan sebagai tanda penghargaan. pergh bajet gila kau ama.

kalau nak kasi, kasilah. i add u u app i k :3

aku yakin keretapi dah masak sangat dengan kitaran hidupnya. aku tangguh blogging - bertimbun post untuk diblog - sampai tak terblog- aku taktau mana nak mula - aku makin malas - aku tangguh blogging lagi - dan ulang. ulang sampai tak blog berbulan-bulan :')

aku rasa keretapi pun dah makin sedar diri bahawa peranan hidupnya sekarang ialah bila aku nak blog benda yang tak boleh dibebelkan di fb, dan juga terlalu panjang untuk dibebelkan di fb. kat fb aku post satu status yang samar-samar kisahnya, kat blog aku cerita sedalam yang sanggup. kat fb aku upload satu gambar, kat blog aku terangkan kisah di sebalik gambar. haa gitu.

tapi paling penting, once you go blogger, you cannot write shorter. ni mukadimah je dah panjang macam apa.


mungkin dah boleh mula cerita agaknya.

sehari sebelum result a-level keluar, aku kena pergi court. sebelum pergi court, aku pergi makan-makan dulu dengan ajk reunion sklk. dalam satu hari tu, semua boleh rasa. seronok dengan kawan-kawan, serabut pasal mahkamah, dan kecut pasal result.

 pergi makan-makan sebagai ganjaran dan sebab malam reunion tu kitorang tak makan sangat pun sebenarnya :')

tapi kena balik cepat sbb nak gi court sobs. kata kat dorang ada hal family, baru dorang lepaskan aku :'(

giving a statement in court at 20, that certainly adds up to life experience. right after i got home, i straightaway went out. driving mindlessly and aimlessly as if i could drive away from reality and never have to think about real life again. court? never happened. result? won't ever happen.

while driving, dapat pulak satu berita dari insider bahawa... ini ialah result alevel paling teruk sepanjang zaman. dia berkias je kat group wassap kelas. orang ingat dia bergurau. dia hanya mampu gelak. aku wassap dia personal. sah. sah terteruk. dia bagitau aku apa dia tau. ok, aku dah tau cukup. cukup untuk buat aku sembunyi dalam gua taknak tengok dunia esok. tapi takpe, sekarang aku dalam kereta. teruskan memandu. kuatkan lagu. sing along baby. tengok langit. lupakan yang lain. pegi jj. beli coolblog bagi sejuk hati. beli bahan buat cookies as distraction. drive some more. balik rumah.

esoknya.

bangun pagi tetiba demam.  ah sudah. demam panas. ini serius. aku jarang demam. ini demam yang betul-betul demam, paham? sakit kepala, panas mata, takde selera, mulut pahit, terbaring je, mengerekot bawah selimut, tido. terus tak fikir pasal result hahahah sebab memang tak mampu nak fikir! masa tu dah tahap lantaklah. terjaga, tengok jam, tido balik. sampailah detik boleh cek. tu pun aku taknak tunggu dan nak sambung tido je. nanti-nantilah. demam tahap apa ni sampai ama boleh berkata begitu? misteri. tapi sebab ada orang suruh cek... ok, ceklah.

aku tak cek result, sebab belum lagi. aku cek uni dulu, sebab uni dah tunjuk kita diterima ke tak. cek pon kat fon je. sekali terbeliak mata. terduduk terus.

CONGRATULATIONS? YOUR PLACE AT UNIVERSITY OF SHEFFIELD HAS BEEN CONFIRMED?

biar betul. aku diam dulu. tu dahlah first choice aku. firm university. bukan insurance. takkanlah.

dup dap dup dap gak masa tu. ok tak. dup dap dup dap sangat!

aku tak ingat sama ada aku bagitau mak aku atau tak. it's typical of me untuk tak bagitau dulu selagi tak konfem, tapi aku rasa masa tu mak aku datang kat katil orang sakit aku, suruh aku makan ubat ke apa tah. and i think i just blurted it out. "tapi tak konfem lagi ma, taktau result."

university konfem, bukan edexcel konfem. apatah lagi jpa konfem.

"yela kot tu. alhamdulillahhh," kata ma. aku taktau nak kata apa dah. taktau nak rasa apa.

lidah takleh rasa, hati takleh rasa gak ke? tapi ni takde kena mengena dengan demam rasanya.

masa tu demam entah ke mana. terus tertunggu-tunggu nak cek result. dah boleh cek, terus cek.




konfius. tapi kelakar. tapi syukur.

aku dapat cukup-cukup makan. 12/15! tapi sheffield nak 14? is it possible yang overall result sangat teruk sampai aku pun diterima masuk? konfius. aku siap call sheffield beberapa hari kemudian. dorang kata yes, there's no mistake. they want you for some reasons. walaupun aku tak lepas 14, mungkin dorang masih terima aku sebab... orang lain pun tak lepas 14? orang lain yang buat alevel edexcel la. alevel cambridge taktau pehal semua macam bahagia berjaya je. tp kitorang... tsk. betul kata seorang kawan, masa aku luahkan kat dia malam sebelum dapat result. dia dah dapat result IB, dikatakan batch dia pun paling teruk, tapi result dia ok. katanya doa, biar kita bukan antara yang teruk yang dikatakan tu. kalau teruk pun, tak teruk mana.

aku dapat A mathematics! waaat??? and 100% for C12?! kelakar kkk. maths yang susah nak mampus aku dah macam mayat hidup lepas jawab C34. and my C34 wasn't that bad too! lagi kelakar..... aku dapat C psychology?! tak pernah wey! apa kau nak wahai pemeriksa kertas?! betul kata insider semalam, result macam tak belajar pape sepanjang dua tahun. macam kita yang salah belajar selama ni. taktau la mana silapnya. rupa-rupanya rata-rata semua slack kat psych. we're talking about E here. wallahualam, i don't know what happened. satu-satunya yang konsisten ialah economics, B. hahaha. psych yang selama ni aku harapkan, itu yang paling teruk. maths yang aku tak hairan kalau E sekalipun, itu yang paling baik. wow.

but i made it. syukur. syukur ya Allah. masa tu masih tak terasa apa-apa, kecuali syukur. happy pun tak. hanya lega. macam biasa. alhamdulillah :)

result a-level: ABC. dalam turutan subjek paling hancur selama ni sehingga ke subjek yang kononnya paling bagus. gila ironi.

aku tak malu nak bagitau result ais batu campur ni sebab, this is life. straight A memanjang, sekali ambik kau. keputusan beraneka abjad. sekali je dahlah k, jangan banyak kali lak. sekali sekala pun taknak :'D

aku tak tanya result orang lain. orang lain pun tak tanya result aku. aku berhubung dengan sorang je, tu pun sebab aku tau dia lepas 12, dan kitorang masing-masing taktau result orang lain. semua diam.

tapi aku diam sampai hari esoknya jelah haha. sebab orang lain pun ramai dah buat post alhamdulillah LOL. dan sebab orang pun ada tanya aku, aku ok tak. bukan tanya result ok tak, tp tanya aku ok tak. auw. of course, ada je yang tanya result terus. ni bukan stock yang ambik alevel ni sebab tu main tanya je! padahal kami dalam komuniti alevel semua macam tengah berkabung tau tak.

aku rasa ada baiknya aku bagitau jela. apa penerimaan orang, terpulang pada dia. kita tau niat kita betul, cara kita pun dah cukup betul. kan? teruskan. post. lulz.

alhamdulillah, rahmat Allah is so strong in this one.
University of Sheffield, insyaallah :)


but


You can't really be happy as an individual if you don't feel happy together with other people



memula, kelas aku 8 orang je boleh fly. daripada 400++ pelajar tajaan jpa di intec, tak sampai 200 yang lepas cut-off point. yang lepas untuk ke UK hanya 150++ orang. ke US taktau, tapi dengar-dengar yang nak ke US ni cut-off point tak penting sangat. sebab ada yang dah fly dah pun sebelum result keluar. lepastu ada cakap-cakap yang memang siapa yang lepas 12 je dapat fly. 9-11, sponsored in local unis. below than that, scholarship terminated.

tapi alhamdulillah. berkat doa and usaha pelbagai pihak: pelajar, mak bapak, intec sendiri - naik turun jpa, meeting berkali-kali - everybody can fly :) as long as they got a university placement. i was sad for my friends, but i didn't really say anything to them. i wanted to, but i knew i better shut up. it was not easy. they had to write surat rayuan plus surat keterangan why they didn't make it. they had to do this and that. some people did more on behalf of others, but we all prayed. lepas tak lepas, regardless. at first jpa seemed certain with their decision - what they'd been talking about since our very first day as sponsored students anyway: you get 12 points, you're good to go. lower than that, no.

but over time, the short period of time when people were still trying while looking for alternatives, they seemed to change their stand, slowly. semua doa bagi jpa lembut hati. i was thinking, all that shouldn't be for nothing... all that which they asked the students to do, shouldn't be for the same firm no. from giving a chance to explain and appeal, to giving a chance to those who got a placement in the top 100 uni, to giving a chance to those who got a placement to any uni at all. and now here most of us are: UK and US.

after all, we're the first batch of this new program right? surely a little exception should be granted to the experimental batch ;)

selepas dua tahun yang dipenuhi dugaan oleh tuan penaja, akhirnya terbalas juga semuanya tsk. terima kasih kerajaan yang beri peluang dan rakyat yang bayar cukai! LOL.


tamat sudah episode satu. nantikan sambungannya.

cecey.

Afraid To Feel

apparently i’m someone who’s afraid to feel, among other things i’ve just discovered recently.

i’m afraid of how much i can feel and how feelings can fade away. of the uncertainty. of fate and failing. of being hurt after being happy. of it not working out. of me not making it work. of it not happening. of something else happening instead.

i’m afraid of attachment. of not being able to live without somebody after a life of solitude. of giving them the power to give me pain. of detachment. of falling apart. of being forced to part for whatever reason.

i’m afraid of caring about another person. of being concerned. of worrying of their well-being. of losing them.

i’m afraid of wanting things. of not getting what i want. of not wanting anything else.

i’m afraid of myself. of not being able to stand it all. of me escaping.

because i don’t want to feel the worst after feeling the best.

apparently i’m someone who’s afraid to feel, among other things, about some things.

I Realize I'm 20 So I Talk About Spouses, How to Spouse and stuffs

apparently i've reached the point in life where people start to ask about..... having somebody.

friends ask it, that's normal. but for mama's friends to ask? to mama herself?? then she tells you "i've told you so"??? you know you've reached that age. i think it's too early. not for me. but for people to give a crap. too early to be asked by old people. when i found out about it i was surprised, because, why???

whenever mama's friends say something to me, i say "makcik ni cakap je banyak tapi takde anak laki ke cucu ke nak offer tak guna jugak"... in my heart. and to my mom. then i laugh cos i'm so funny ain't i? who wouldn't want a menantu liddis?? who laughs at her own jokes??? :""D

of course i'm not serious. arranged marriage and set up spouse is so not me. but i could try lolol. rest assured i'm not like this in front of people. only with mom, close friends, and keretapi. muah. in real life, i'm... shy :3

mama never asks about it. i like mama. she didn't ask then, "sekolah lagi jangan menggatal/tunggu masuk u dulu/bila dah kerja ramai lagi ada" she doesn't ask now, "ada sesape tak/baik bawak jumpa drpd diam2/baik depan mata drpd belakang2" phewh. i always asked why you never asked me. do you trust me? or you just don't think i'm capable of doing that? what an insult! lulz. because i've got friends whose mom say these stuffs. ada dulu tak kasi kawan rapat sikit dengan laki langsung, ada sekarang suruh kawen je kalau dah ada orang. both would be a pressure to me. maybe my mom thinks i'd tell her if i have anything to tell her, considering the rate at which i show her my crushes. mom, crushes are different from serious ones. maybe my mom thinks i won't cross the line and i know to take care of myself, that's what she told me when i was still in school and asked her about that. asalkan jangan lebih2 katanya. ok beres, loool. it works for me. cos i'm a nice girl and can be trusted. capable or incapable alike and aside hew hew.

my mom trusts me. love u mama. u wont regret it. i wont elope or something. if i do, i'll bring u :')

am i really 20? i don't feel like it. my brothers definitely don't see it. but my mom wants me to feel like one, and sees me like one. she tells me to do things twenty-year-olds should do, including... this. not getting into details here. but yeah. bye. she never asks, but now she talks about it. many times... i can talk to her, ask her anything, joke around. it's fun, but freaky haha. the first time she said "umur doploh mmg dah patut ada dah pun", i was like gurlll, who are you and what have you done to my momma?!

mama's only saying that because it should take years to get to know somebody before you marry them. i wanted seven years. now i'm 20... dont wanna be married at 27 so i'll cut down the numbers haha. it's not like she wants me to get married now, so i don't have to be worried of mom telling me to marry somebody i don't want to or when i don't want to. it all depends on me hehe. mama aint no mak drama melayu k.

when i was 18, she told me to start praying for a good spouse. the first time i did was when i did my umrah, it was at masjid nabawi, my first time praying there when i was crying tears and snots. i prayed about everything i could pray for. i prayed to make the right decisions in life, cos i'm so indecisive and i'm always afraid of taking the wrong turn and having to return and redo, so i prayed about choosing the right pathway, the right course, the right university, the right career, the right spouse - who's this and that. but only then it was only like a sub unit not the main topic.

now at 20, she tells me not to just pray but do something about it. you see, i'm the type of person who won't pray for what i don't feel. i am at the point in life which i feel nothing, thus i don't feel the need to pray about that thing. i know that's good but i've just got many other things to pray for right now. takde masa la nak doa jodoh ni banyak lagi benda nak doa, i always say. there's just no feel in the prayers if there's no feel in the heart. aww. not that i never did, so i know the difference. between praying with a cause and praying just because. i'll wait till the time comes to pray, the time comes when i have to pray. i'll know when, it's when i don't know. that's just me, i don't even pray for my own good health. when it's vital, but i just don't see it in long term. i know that's bad but hey, i never not pray for my mom's good health and etc etc etc so i guess that's make up for it right? two in one. the angels are praying for me too insyaallah hehe. ama's so lazy.

when i told her about friends who have "friends", she'd say mesti dorang doa, sebab tu perjalanan hidup lancar, senang je dapat cepat je jumpa. ma doakanla! i'm too lazy to pray for my own jodoh for god's sake. like i said, i have other things to pray for. but that doesn't mean i do or only think about the things i say in my prayers, it just means what is not included in the prayers, is not important enough at the moment. we can do everything though, we've just got to prioritize. stok2 yang awek kena no 1 sentiasa ni mohon clash je lah k.

i'm old school and new school too. i'm conservative but also liberal. i'm both traditional and modern.

love me or hate me, that's the true story.

i agree with going to see wali before you're getting down on one knee. but if you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me. guys have to get green light from other girls' parents to get the girl but with me i give the green light to get to the parents. so much girl power here. but that's just me lah. other girls you can break the door and threat the wali into marrying you both right at that moment for all i care lol.

why? because i'm not getting myself into any awkward situation. if i were a guy, i wouldn't want it either. imagine myself as a guy. i wouldn't want to go meet the girl's parents, despite not having enough guts telling myself to get some nerves, believing that it will all work out for the best, then finding out from the parents that i got rejected. wanna make it worse? get myself rejected in front of my parents. or if i'm that goody two shoes to just send my parents to do the talking, to have them tell me about the rejection. imagine them putting their hands on your shoulders looking in your eyes saying "naw son". donno about you, but i'm the better-off-disappointed-alone kinda guy. erm, girl.

why don't guys and girls just get awkward themselves first, because getting the family involved straightaway is just embarrassing. if you're too even goody two shoes you can't talk to each other, consider sending letters or using a trusted middle person to pass the message as simple as this

"can i see your wali and get a yes?"

"can."

see, simple! awkwardness averted! heartbreak (in front of elders) spared!

ni dah berkias berpantun bermadah bagai siap bawak kaum kerabat pastu kena reject, lol.

in my ideal imagination both sides already know the answer. talk to each other first, then talk to your parents. see what they say. they can discuss when the parents meet. discussion is good, even if it's not in your favour. way much better than a rejection, right? to me, we're living right here and now, so it's realistic and practical. the parents meet just to make it formal, if it is to be made official. the parents can still meet just for the sake of it, once you at least know where it's going even if you don't know how and when. it's informal and fun. if you don't think it will be, then restrain from introducing the parents and wait until you really have to, haha.

another thing is about chaperoning. i once chaperoned two awkward people, leaving me awkward in the middle. because it was their first time. at least me being there was not as awkward as it would have been with family! imagine meeting for the first time or going out at early stage with family, when you yourselves are awkward enough without your family interfering and just making things more awkward cos they are family. right???... or is it just me. cos i have the last child syndrome and inferiority complex or something....

i'm awkward with my own family, sooo *shrugs. i guess it's best to be chaperoned by somebody who knows you well, cool enough, yet knows the boundary. no matter who that is, doesn't always have to be family. like me. i'm perfect. why? no, not why i'm perfect. do you really have to ask, lolololulz. why are people like me the perfect chaperons? and people like me need the perfect chaperons? because we weirdos have weird families. apart from my mom, my family don't know much about me besides what they have to know, you know, like where i live or what age i am. although my brothers used to be confused, but i guess that would do that they knew i was a girl. hm. apart from my mom, i don't talk much to my family besides what they have to know, you know, like what i studied. although my brother asked me if i was going to fly overseas in my 3rd semester of alevel, but at least he asked. hm. no, he was not wrong. that's a really good question. of course i wanted to, but was i going to? deep there.

but let's just stick to marriage thingies shall we cos we've covered that topic in the previous post and i wanna chill.

how are you supposed to have that deeper conversation with the potential spouse in front of the person whom you've never had deeper conversation with?

i feel like if i ever, when pigs fly, had my brothers chaperoned me, it would be more of a session in which they were the ones who would get to know me. such a pity when i'm so fly in the outside world, sigh~

but of course, my brothers would never chaperon me. they would never let me see somebody. they would never let me get married. not that i never did hahahah. i mean, not the married part. it's hard when babah's not around. for a lot of reasons, but in this area it's particularly harder. i bet if babah was still here he wouldn't mind. after all, he and mama got the coolest parents award, remember? cool in a controlled way, cey. if babah was here, there would only be one obstacle. babah and mama were one unit. they could discuss and decide. when angah wanted to get married at 21, babah just let him but mama let in her thoughts first. girls. but he got married anyway. now, babah's not here. i've got 5 obstacles. mom and third brother are cool though. i said to mama "how do you expect me to bring anybody home, with them, at home?"

that's why we prefer to not do it at home, lol, i mean bring the matters to family's concern.

bro 1, this is the same mom when you brought your girlfriend you met in US when we were in UK having a family trip. bro 2, this is the same mom you asked to bring your girlfriend to stay at home every school holiday because she lives faraway. bro 3, this is the same mom whom you showed your girlfriend to during your solat hajat pmr, but u cool so ok. bro 4, this is the same mom when you had all your girlfriends since forever till the end of your single life. i don't know what you guys call them back then but don't think i don't know. jadi jangan jadi poyo. my mom said ala biar je, mana tau dorang tak kasi. sebab dorang poyo sejak azali maaa.

cos my brothers weren't so innocent, maybe they think every guy is the same, like them. muahahah. so they don't trust anybody with..... male genes. so unfair for me tsk. but my mom, she got babah who was super nice the ultimate good guy but never cowardice, so she thinks, despite saying nobody can be like babah, that males generally are like babah. maybe my parents just got the cool genes and my bros don't. something about recessive alleles or something, idk. bye bio. 

so i say, it's not going to work if you ask their family members about them or get their family members to chaperon you, if the family doesn't really know the person. it happens.

why i'm rambling about this is because i feel, not all old ways suit the modern days. of course, you don't have to abandon all, you've just got to modify it a bit. plus, all those stuffs about asking parents for one's hand in marriage or asking family about one's self, solely, was necessary only because people back then don't know each other!!! how else are you going to talk to a girl if the girl doesn't talk to guys and only stays at home? now, even girls who stay at home have internet. loool.

well, if you still choose the meet the parents first then only talk after you're wedded, good for you, you goody two shoes.

i'm also rambling because i just talked to my mother about this. as usual, she only listens while she does her things. besides that, i'm in the process of assisting somebody with my expertise to woo... women. i realize it's not easy either, the games people these days play. you've gotta have tactics and strategies and breaks and plans and backup plans. i feel my brain cells connecting, what a wingwoman. i don't always get to put my skills into practice, but when i do it's for helping a friend. sigh. dude if she falls for you, she falls for me. i'm so smooth and subtle and most importanly, syara' compliant *wink. hahahaha

anyway, despite me being so bajet talking about marriage so poyo, i think i'll end up an old maid.

it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

ok i'm out, bye.

Of A-Level Exam: Dreams, Difficulties, Fears, and The Future

i have one month to prepare myself for alevel result. after that, one month to prepare for everything.

if, say, i pass the requirements lah.

oh my god i'm scared shitless. yet i could shit bricks.

i can't imagine if... lord i seriously can't.

before the exam started, i tried not to think of answering it. just braced through it. during the exam, i tried not to think of answering the leftover papers and getting the grades of completed papers. just braced through it. after the exam, now, i try not to think of getting the result. just brace through it.

in fact, i try not to think of the future at all. anything that leads me to thinking about the future, i put a stop to it before the thoughts eat me up. that's why i don't feel like talking about my university choices and the prospect of flying overseas, that's why i don't feel like settling all those things i need to do: mantoux test, medical check up, passport renewal, TB test, visa, etc. i'm seriously considering to complete all of it after i get the result. pessimistic much? nope, realistic. lol. no seriously, i'm just that lazy. plus i guess i'd have enough time to do it all in a month, don't you think? or do you think my chances of flying will be in my favour if i do it all in this one month instead because i show some initiative? lulz.

i know all that about Allah's plans are bigger than my dreams, and Allah knows what's best for me even if i don't think it is, and all, all, all that. but please, ya Allah, this is what i have always wanted since i was a little girl. this is why i actively participated in cocurriculum activities since i was 10, when nobody at my age cared where they were going to study at 20. this is why i went to mrsm, when asked during orientation what's my purpose of being there i hold that mic and answered with determination. this is why i obsessively maintained each of my test and exam result at smklk, when other people didn't care as much because i believe regardless of what school i went to, my purpose was still there. this is why i stayed in sem 2, when i was so close to giving up, when i was at my lowest, when i had no hope left in myself. but i stayed. oh boy did i stay.

but i am so afraid of wanting this now, because i'm afraid of not getting what i want.

not passing the requirements, there are many things to deal with. where do i go next? do i start over with my juniors? do i change my decision and direction? then there's the problem of people. what would i say to people? what would people say? how do i face the world? then there's me. how do i face myself? that, is the worst of all in the worst case scenario.

because i do not want this solely for the experience of studying overseas, and not at all for the reputation among people. i want this for myself. i've been wanting this from the very start.

so yeah, now you kinda get the idea that not flying now, will kinda crush me into pieces.

of course it does, no big deal.

something occurred to me once. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to boarding school so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it ended up badly. i left the school of my dream to stay at a school i initially despised for the rest of my school years but which eventually became the school i loved. i still got what i wanted; good results, good friends, good times, good future - even more than i did at mrsm. i thought i lost my way, but i didn't know it would work out that well at smklk. 

i wanted to study overseas, so i wanted to go to a prep college so badly. i got what i wanted. at first it was perfect, but it turned out badly. i didn't leave intec, sure, i stayed, oh boy did i stay. i stayed despite everything that made me feel i was better off away. but what if the cycle repeats itself? i didn't pack my bags and leave then. but what if i wouldn't pack my bags to leave later?

it was crazy but it just occurred to me; what if my earlier experience of not getting what i want, being stopped in my path and got redirected against my will and wishes, but ended up surviving and thriving anyway, was a prep college to prepare me for the same thing about my biggest dreams?

i think too much, it's crazy. but you've gotta admit that's what makes me, me. lolol.

i know, if i don't get what i want now, i could still be the girl who got stuck in a place she didn't like but made the best out of it and learnt to love it just as much. but i can't be that girl anymore. god, i thought i used up my quota for life experience in that area. i don't want to be her anymore. if anything, i deserve to be the girl who gets what she wants BECAUSE of that.

i know i didn't make the best out of these two years struggling. but i spent thirteen years trying. i know i only did what i could at the last minute. but i did everything i could since the very start.

you know, there were different types of people at intec. i'm talking in term of their purpose there. some of my friends applied for the scholarship just because. some of my friends went to intec because they got the scholarship. some of my friends didn't know why they went to intec. some of my friends went to intec but didn't know if they wanted to go overseas. then there's me. and people who saw their path clearer than i did, who planned their way better than i did. but we all now want this just the same.

we at least want 12 and above. overseas or not, it's another story.

ask anyone, everybody wants to pass. what we want to do next, is in regard or regardless of our results.

if you ask me about my efforts, i'd say i am satisfied with what i did in that short amount of time. i did procrastinate. i started late. i took way too long breaks. i slept way too much. i dozed off and zoned out really easily. i got distracted by anything. i got motivated by nothing. i didn't do on my own all the past year papers twice or thrice until i got the perfect score like some hard core geeks did since sem one.

but i did try to do past year papers and tick the checklist. i did try to complete it over the course of two years. one subject has four units. one year has two exams. so one year has eight papers for one subject. i had three subjects. i had past papers from january and june 2009 to january 2014.  so i had 132 past year papers to do. of course i couldn't do it all lol. but for somebody who barely did any past year paper for spm because i didn't like it, i'm kinda proud of myself for even trying. good job ama. 

i did at least review each of the paper, scanning just for the sake of it. even if nothing went into my brain to help me in the exam i hope some barakah did, haha. at best, i opened the papers to get something in return. some units, i just mostly read the answer schemes. some units, i actually did almost all the questions by myself. some subjects, if i were to count the review, read schemes, and answer papers and consider them all as a tick, yes i did complete the set. even if i didn't do it in the two months, i still did it in the two years, didn't i? but maths. oh dear, maths. if i tell you this you won't believe it. i didn't believe myself too. i did all the 44 papers. even more than that, because maths had 6 units instead of 4 like other subjects. i might have done more years, too. i, who hates maths. i, who doesn't like to do past papers. yet i did it. i did it all.

but those past year papers were edexcel alevel. let me brief you about alevel.

there are two boards of alevel exams: edexcel and cambridge. at intec, we do edexcel.

but my batch, oh my batch. the experimental batch. the new batch. the we don't know what we're doing batch. of course, we thought we had had it all. but the last obstacle, or complication, or challenge was created all of a sudden as if to test us one last time if we really had what it takes. the thing is how could other students in other programs or at other colleges had it easy?! of course, minus exam difficulty part, they had a smooth ride. but us? bumpy. one rock after another. a toll, a roadblock, a troll.

we were introduced to IAL edexcel alevel exam. it's for international students. all this time our seniors answered internationalized exam papers. students from all around the world answered the same questions; be it from britain itself, malaysia, even africa. but now, edexcel separates local students from international students. as if they're trying to stop us from coming in, lulz conspiracy theories much. so we no longer take standardized exams. exams are based on regions. don't see the problem yet? IAL goes with different formats.

we were told only a few months from the real exams. we had done (or other students, haha) past year papers with edexcel format. we were used to doing exams based on edexcel format. at one instant, we had to change everything. lucky for my class, the only subject which changed was maths. some courses had to change all. they had to do it all in new formats. even some of the syllabus aren't the same.

the syllabus for maths are the same. but since we, edexcel alevel candidates at intec are asians, i guess the exam board took the stereotype too literally that all asians are maths genius. WELL GUESS WHAT, YER BRITONS, IM NOT!!! THANKS FOR OVERESTIMATING MY NUMERICAL INTELLIGENCE!! IT MUST HAVE CAUSED MY NUMERICAL MARKS TO BE FAR BELOW THE NORMAL RANGE! DON'T EVEN START WITH MY GRADE, I NEED AT LEAST A B YOU HEAR ME?!

kids, at this point in life, getting a B for maths would be a blessing sent down from heaven. i can't even begin to describe how hard maths was. it's nothing at all like what i answered in past year papers, so of course it was so damn hard because i was not used to that type of goddamn questions. i have a friend from engineering class, he said "susah gakla." i felt like punching him but it's not his fault that he was just naturally talented with numbers. good for you mr genius. but i'm not, god i'm not. if you ask me i'd say "susah nak mampus suicide pun lagi senang but it's kinda the same thing anyway faham tak buat past paper semua tu macam in vain gila otak langsung tak function bila actual paper pernah tak sebab banyak soalan susah jadi soalan sikit yang senang pun terus takleh jawab tau tak perasaan bila beberapa malam sebelum tu kau stay up beriya mengira sampai for the first time in life rasa wah tak pernah study maths sebanyak ni kau rasa insyaallah boleh buat kalau taktau pun takdela banyak sangat salah pun biasalah kan cuai mesti ada tu norma manusia tapi kau dah buat segala yang ada untuk dibuat jadi jangan takut sangat dari sorang yang langsung taknak buat add maths untuk spm you've come a long way today TAPI OF COURSE YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN IT ALL DIDN'T YOU EDEXCEL, I COULDN'T ANSWER IT AS IF I DID NOTHING, ZERO, NAUGHT AS THOUGH I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING AT ALL THANKS LA MATHS IAL THANKS PAPERS FROM HELL"

fuh.

"the last time using this table. the last time staring at the wall. the last time talking myself into studying, and actually studying, or ending up sleeping. the last time this table looks like this. now it's all about the last time. tomorrow is the last paper. after that i don't know what's my fate or where i'll go, but God, let it not be the last time i have faith and hope.

The house, the blocks, the bench, the courts, the road, the shops, the sky - they are the witnesses, they have stories.

but let this last one end with ease."

after exam maths, terdiam yang taktau nak cakap apa dah. rasa nak gelak pun ada. sebab mengarut sangat. sebab hahaha sia-sia aku study selama ni. hahaha sape sangka exam tiga jam boleh hancurkan preparation dua tahun. hahaha one subject and i'm dead. paper lain pun ada susah gak, ada yang aku tau aku boleh buat lagi baik, ada yang aku tak cukup masa, ada yang dapat ilham nak jawab lepas habis paper, ada yang buat aku kecewa, tapi maths... nauzubillah. sape yang tak rasa macam mati lepas jawab tu aku rasa kau pergi daftar kat oxbridge teruslah, otak apa pun aku taktau. yang lain ni, hm. semua tak mampu nak cakap pape. kalau cakap pun pasal tak mampu. my roommate complained and i sighed and that's all we did for a while.

but we said, yes, we had done everything so we had nothing to say to blame ourselves. and even if that everything helped nothing in the exam, we hoped, oh we really, really hoped, it at least counts for something in the result. it's our efforts. it's my efforts. efforts should count. efforts count. i've never done that much effort, ever, in life.

in fact, the whole alevel, i put effort more than i ever did. it might not be as much as other people, but it's my efforts. it's mine. not just academically, but also personally, socially, emotionally. i shed more tears, i felt more pain, i faced more obstacles, i handled more troubles, i grew more mature, i lived way worse, but i learnt way better. all in the two years.

all for doing alevel at intec. all for staying at akasia. all for living my dreams.

please be worth it.