Money Comes With a Price

when it comes to money, i'm a bit fortunate. i'm blessed with this small ease. i have scholarship money, and money from my dad. i don't have the latter as much as i did, but i have it nonetheless. i'm lucky. luckier than people older than me. but that's maybe because i don't have financial commitment yet, and i haven't screwed up in life to pay for it.

before scholarship money, i lived on parents' money. mama, oh mama she didn't give me belanja bulanan/mingguan where i had to plan my spending or manage my saving, instead she gave me belanja harian in unfixed amount. she always asked if it's enough. she easily gave me money if i asked for it or for buying something. even then i felt privileged, because my friends had to do chores to get extra pocket money or they were expected to be thrifty with the given money.

when i was 11, i bought my first handphone; with my own money. because i so wanted a handphone i told my mom i didn't even want her to pay for it, i just wanted to have it. it took a while of convincing. i showed that i was doing well in school, and i was gonna use my bank saving, and if my life turned upside down after that lol it would be my fault and it wouldn't be her money that i wasted. i think that's the first time i used my money to buy stuff for myself. after that, it became common.

whenever i bought things which costed a lot, i tried to use my own money as much as possible. like handbags, phones, even my car...

mom still gave me daily spending for school. she still insisted on paying for my things if i went shopping. she still asked if i wanted money if i was going out. heck, she still does. even now when i'm all grown up. god why does this make me all teary. this isn't supposed to be a sad post gddmnit!

because i felt guilty, and i knew she didn't need to spend for me, sometimes i just gave her any amount when i had cash in hand. sort of like a payback. i bet it's not even close, but i did that from time to time.  she didn't want it of course. but i said it as my "hutang haritu", or i even went the extra length "mama taknak ayu dapat pahala ke" or a simple "kalau mama tak amik duit ni, haram."

i was still at school then. now of course it's my responsibility. not yet, but i am capable and i tell her if she wants me to get more, she must let me give it to her. i can't do much for you now mama, but this, i can.

the other day my mom told me she felt guilty, implied by "kesian ayu." because she never bought me stuff, so she said. she never bought me presents when i was always crowned the best student (that's only because i told you not to!) she never gave me anything for my thrice straight A's results (apa mama ni, you bought me phone for PMR, it's a surprise pulak tu!) she said "anak orang lain dapat macam-macam kalau result macam ayu. ayu kereta pun beli sendiri. kesian ayu."

it just broke my heart... i never want mama to feel that way.

so i replied, "sebab anak orang lain takde duit. ayu ada. kenapa nak guna duit mama pulak. anak orang lain pun tah-tah lagilah mak bapak tak dapat belikan, lepas tu dorang sendiri pun tak mampu nak beli. ayu patut bersyukur ada duit untuk beli barang sendiri. mama kan salu kasi ayu duit. mama kasi ayu hadiah beday pandora mahal pulak tu!"

when she gave me the pandora bracelet and jewelry set, which was also a surprise, she said it's a cumulative birthday present albeit a bit delayed. hahaha mamaa. because she hadn't given me a birthday present in a long time, she said. she's given me everything and more, why would i demand for a present on a specific day of the year?

but i understand. as a mom it's possible for her to feel that way. she just wants to make me happy. she wants to do what other parents do for their children. but the thing is ma, you're not like other parents. you don't have to be.

i've long made peace with what life could offer if it was different, or in fact if it stayed the same. i've made peace with babah not being here to spoil me like he would love to. come on, life's not that bad on most days. both mama and i know this, but sometimes it crosses our mind and it's not something wrong. i notice now mama mentions it more than she did in the past, and it's heart breaking. she thinks i deserve better and she pities me. worse, when she pities us. i'd just say, if we compare how we are with who we were, it is sad mama. but if we compare how we are now with some other people, we will feel glad. but there's nothing wrong in being sad once in a while, yes? 

just don't let it linger, that's all.

i'm usually the one who has feelings and feel sorry for mama, but i don't like it if she has feelings and feel sorry for me. because i know those feelings, they don't feel good. i'd rather mama not feel anything and let me be the feeler lols.

i'm lucky, i know. i've got so much in this life. but i wonder if i'm given all that so i can give to other people...

i know that's the point. to get is to give. but is it wrong if i feel it's too much?

i tell myself, when they ask too much of me, (maybe) that's because i'll get much in return.

people wouldn't have asked for help if they didn't need it. you're supposed to be glad for the opportunity to help others, even if you feel it's too much, even if you think they should have learnt to help themselves, even if whatever... you should be glad. you're the answer to their prayers. you're blessed and luckier. so help, because you can. as long as you can, it means you at least have it better.

that's what i tell myself.

i have to tell myself that, because it's hard. it's hard to lend a big amount of money, especially if you were told to keep it a secret from your own mom. especially if you know what she'd say if she knew. but i don't want her to feel sorry for me, i don't want her to feel bad about anything, and i don't want to dishonour a secret. but i know if i told her, if i just told her, i might not feel so bad about it. i might not feel bad about keeping a secret from my mom, and i might not feel bad about lending the money. it's between doing things for myself vs for another.

it's between making myself feel better vs making myself feel guilty later. guilty for not keeping the secret as asked of me. i still feel guilty for not telling my mom. but i know it's not necessary. i'm an adult. it's my money. i just have to suck it up and stop crying.

yes, i cry whenever it happens. because i feel so conflicted.

i'm not only conflicted about not telling my mom, but i'm conflicted about lending the money. and i need to ask my mom if i should lend it. i think it's because this time, it's my own money from my own bank account i set up myself. it's not money babah gave me in a bank account he set up for me. it's not like how it used to be. of course i love babah's money, not in a materialistic way, but in a sentimental way. it's what he left for me. i got it out of his kindness anyway so who am i not to share it with others in need? but it didn't feel this difficult even when i had no idea if i'd ever get it back. perhaps because i had no role in having it.

but this time, i got that scholarship money myself, and i saved it. i spend a lot, i splurge, i go on holidays and shopping trips, but i save. i'm pretty good at it if you ask me. sure, i know my friends could certainly save more, but hello, it's me. i'd never saved before. when i told my mom about the money i saved, she was surprised. she asked if i spend too little haha. no mama, i don't know how i feel everything is enough. it's actually more than enough if you just don't spend it on stuff.

so yes, do i wish i didn't have to lend the money? guilty.

and to think it's not even my hard-earned money! i wonder how do people who work day and night and weekend feel when all the rewards of their hard work are gone because other people decide it's a good idea to ask for a loan. i'd say you see now what's your fault? you should have worked as hard. at least, you should have tried. i knew this day would come.

but of course i don't say that.

baru sikit Allah uji. baru duit scholarship, belum salary. dah rasa susah nak bagi. aku harap dengan rasa susah ni, rasa berat hati ni, tapi aku bagi jugak, ada kebaikan untuk aku. ada berkat, ada rahmat. aku dahlah banyak dosa, aku harap Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa aku. aku harap Allah makbulkan doa-doa aku, mudahkan hidup aku, tolong aku. sebab sungguh, aku rasa susah nak tolong kalini. siap menangis bagai. drama. tapi kalau bukan aku yang tolong, siapa lagi?

aku nak tolong diri sendiri, sebab tu aku menyimpan, aku berjimat. lepas ni siapa nak tolong aku?

takpela ama... ada la tu... Allah ada...

it's hard because when i had to give the money, i was left with an amount that wasn't even enough for me to buy my flight ticket. i never waited for jpa's allowance, but at that time, i did. because i needed money. because i had given mine to somebody. yes, i have money in my saving account. but i vowed once the money goes in there, it will go out only when i'm bringing it back to malaysia. and when it's in malaysia, i won't give that part of money to other people.

what's even harder is i'll have to do it again. i guess. how could i say no. and the hardest part, i've never even given my own mom that much with this money i've got in the uk. that hit me the hardest. and i had just planned to save more for my mom, and for myself.

next year is my final year. i need to spend a lot, for stuff to bring back and to bring my mom here insyaallah. i want to spend for it, i don't mind. but i'm worried if i don't have enough, because people owe me. i sure hope they don't take long to pay me back..... i hope Allah helps them to pay me back because i'll be the one who needs help.

where is the limit that says you've done enough, you may stop? where is the line between you should always help and you shouldn't because you should help yourself? or is there none? just close your eyes, give it all and give in to God. He'll have your back. or is that not how it works?

i'm sorry. i needed to let all this out.

Healthy Lifestyle, Not Healthy Phase!!!

i'm gonna blog about this as a reminder for myself in the future.

ama, the next time you're gonna make bad decisions with permanent, if not stubborn consequences, read this.

skip the diet. just eat healthy. you don't have to watch what you eat, just eat moderately. occasional pampering is okay.

working out is not a challenge or a phase. it's a routine. don't ever stop. be consistent even if the easiest step is all you can do.

because i have lost almost 10 kilos and i wouldn't want to get back to where i started. after i arrived in UK, i gained weight. they say it happens. once you go overseas, you'll gain weight. 5 kg. they were right. the so called period of adjustment, when it's really just a period of eat everything new! so i didn't really care, especially because i was in sheffield. i don't have to look decent on daily basis lol since i literally don't see anybody in my class. even when i did see people it's not like i wanted to impress them. i don't have friends who'd bitch about me gaining weight here since all my friends were new people. and most of all, i knew if people really care about me, they'd embrace me all the same. in the literal sense, would i not be more cuddly? 

the thoughts "so what?", "to hell with it!", and "i'm loved and lovable even when i'm chubby (lol)" comforted me. so i ate more comfort food, haha.

then the needle hit that number. man. i weighted just like i did when i was 14. it had been years since i was this heavy. and... flabby. thick and fat. this couldn't go on, it had to change.

so i made changes. and i see changes now.

some people might say i didn't have to change a thing; i was not that fat, i was only chubby, they thought i still looked pretty, when all i was was pretty chubby to me. Yeah it's not that bad, but before it got worse it gotta stop, right? I was on this heavenly and healthy diet where i didn't have to starve myself and i could eat as much as i wanted; the catch is some food are forbidden. Don't eat the forbidden food at all. Eat everything else which is allowed in generous amount. And you can drop a few pounds just like that in a week!

Some people didn't see the point of me going on diet. some even said they didn't see the effects of my new eating and exercising habit! but i don't mind. heck, i take that as a compliment. but i did mind my body. because i could see. i could see it was changing to be what i didn't like it to be. and now i can see, how different it looks and i like it. you don't see it? lol it's not for you anyway.

no amount of "you look just fine" with more compliments i didn't deserve could make me feel okay. thank you, but i'm sorry. if i don't look okay to me, it's not okay. even though it's already enough for everyone else, or somebody that matters. i see what you don't see. but of course, the kind words help to comfort, even if it doesn't convince me. hew hew. it's not that i wasn't thankful. i was. but you can't say at least i'm not obese. that'd be too late, i was already borderline overweight. i was only comparing myself to the me who was less chubby. if you say i should be thankful with how God had created me, then hell yeah i am! that is why i must take care of his creation! God did not create me loaded with fat and diseases. that was not how i was designed. He created me perfect and healthy. hence i must be.

but with regrets i announce no amount of cut down food consumption, cardio exercises or weight workout could shed off these perfectly healthy cheeks of mine. maybe they are a blessing. maybe, they are an asset. you'll never know. hik hok.

this is not mine i googled it. but it's true. i want to feel good and look good! :3

but yeah, i did this not for anybody else. for nobody but me. i need to feel good about myself. as much as i liked to eat, i also liked to be fit. i'd like to look decent. i'd like to be satisfied with how i dress, and comfortable in my clothes. i'd want to be confident with the way i carry myself. i wanted to not lose my breath when i walked uphill to my department building. i wanted to walk around and everywhere feeling light and easy. i needed stamina, not struggle. on top of everything, i needed to be healthy. i didn't feel healthy. i didn't know for sure, but i for one knew i had been healthier.

you can be young and you can eat everything, but don't think when you're old, that everything won't come back to get you. you don't even have to be old to be sick. remember that. i have family history of diseases, so i do give a dang about what i eat, not only how i look like.

i was that type of person who didn't consume much sugar, except in cooking and for occasions. i wasn't one to eat cookies or biscuits or chocolates or cakes or ice cream or anything of that sort frequently; i didn't have sweet tooth. i wouldn't know what to buy from sweet things aisle because i simply didn't consume sugary stuff. i didn't drink much air manis atau air gas either; my fav was good ol' plain water. you can never have too much plain water! and oh yes, green tea without sugar. the satisfaction of feeling healthy from the bitter tea. I ate in appropriate portion and basically limited my junk-non-real-food. now i'm becoming that person again, with new healthy habits. no regret, only feel good.

i know that's not much of a healthy lifestyle, but that's something. compared to nothing. nothing was what i did in UK at first, which by contextual definition was eat everything!!!

i know some people can eat everything and not gain a single pound. well lucky you. i'm just not that person. and i'm not the only one. so don't go around saying "urgh, you don't eat it? too bad. i eat everything nom nom." that's so insensitive of you when people have to make efforts for things you oh so effortlessly are. now imagine a genius giving you that look when you're studying and say "why would you even study? look at me, i don't even bother and still smart as ever." and imagine me saying "you have to spend a lot on skincare and cosmetics? what a waste! my skin doesn't need all that at all." that's being a prick isn't it? now you know.

some people are lucky in some ways. different people different luck and struggles. so shut up when you're lucky, and suck it up when you're not :)

now i'm sucking it up, and telling myself that this is not a phase, this is not a process, this is a routine, this is ongoing. this is a lifestyle. i have no intention to go on diet again. so i must not eat carelessly now and think i will lose what i gain later. i will not lose weight anymore because i will not gain anymore weight. i just have to eat in moderation, do my work out routine and be consistent.

and honestly, i like how i look post work out session. so radiant. kah kah kah. 

bye.

p/s: ok actually i also lost weight because i knew i would gain it back once i'm back in malaysia. people be preparing for summer body so they can flaunt it but i'm preparing for holiday body so i won't be fatter, just fat. ikr, genius.

You Can't Unlove Your Mother

once upon a time, i was afraid of falling for someone so hard for fear of having another love like my love for my mother.

still am. but i know that is inevitable. i knew. still, i wished for no such love. love for mama? i had no choice. i was born into her arms, i was born to love her, i was born loved and loving. but love for another? why would i do that to myself? i wouldn't put myself through that. that, to quote somebody, would be the most elaborated form of self-destruction.

because i know that love will one day put me in so much pain, one way or the other. when you love someone too much you have to remind yourself that anything you love more than God will be the reason for your worst pain. is that good or bad?

i can cry just thinking about it. i did a few days ago. to love to that point, man ain't that intense.

i know when i love someone else like that, i'm screwed big time.

for mama, i didn't have i choice. i can't unlove my mom. i couldn't love her less. so i have to learn to love God more. before He teaches me a lesson - the lesson. i don't love much, but i love hard. i don't know if i could love anybody half as much as i love her, but even that would be enough to tear my heart in two. i don't know how to love two parents; babah left so early for me to find out. that's how i have come to love only mama and mama only. that's why this one love is everything to me.

i make it a point to let mama know i love her every chance i get. because another fear of mine is not telling people i love that i love them enough. or not having the chance to tell them at all.

two times you're reminded that you only have Allah:

1. when you feel so alone although you're surrounded by many, that only you can take care of yourself because you have to.

2. when you don't feel alone at all, but your loved ones are so faraway you can only hope for Him to take care of them for you.

the first one i felt about a year ago, the second one now. two very different feelings in two very different places. Alhamdulillah. had i not gone through the former, i might not be here to experience the later. you can't have it all baby. but this is already so much more than i ever deserve.

and i owe it all to you mama. i do.

I Realize I'm 20 So I Talk About Spouses, How to Spouse and stuffs

apparently i've reached the point in life where people start to ask about..... having somebody.

friends ask it, that's normal. but for mama's friends to ask? to mama herself?? then she tells you "i've told you so"??? you know you've reached that age. i think it's too early. not for me. but for people to give a crap. too early to be asked by old people. when i found out about it i was surprised, because, why???

whenever mama's friends say something to me, i say "makcik ni cakap je banyak tapi takde anak laki ke cucu ke nak offer tak guna jugak"... in my heart. and to my mom. then i laugh cos i'm so funny ain't i? who wouldn't want a menantu liddis?? who laughs at her own jokes??? :""D

of course i'm not serious. arranged marriage and set up spouse is so not me. but i could try lolol. rest assured i'm not like this in front of people. only with mom, close friends, and keretapi. muah. in real life, i'm... shy :3

mama never asks about it. i like mama. she didn't ask then, "sekolah lagi jangan menggatal/tunggu masuk u dulu/bila dah kerja ramai lagi ada" she doesn't ask now, "ada sesape tak/baik bawak jumpa drpd diam2/baik depan mata drpd belakang2" phewh. i always asked why you never asked me. do you trust me? or you just don't think i'm capable of doing that? what an insult! lulz. because i've got friends whose mom say these stuffs. ada dulu tak kasi kawan rapat sikit dengan laki langsung, ada sekarang suruh kawen je kalau dah ada orang. both would be a pressure to me. maybe my mom thinks i'd tell her if i have anything to tell her, considering the rate at which i show her my crushes. mom, crushes are different from serious ones. maybe my mom thinks i won't cross the line and i know to take care of myself, that's what she told me when i was still in school and asked her about that. asalkan jangan lebih2 katanya. ok beres, loool. it works for me. cos i'm a nice girl and can be trusted. capable or incapable alike and aside hew hew.

my mom trusts me. love u mama. u wont regret it. i wont elope or something. if i do, i'll bring u :')

am i really 20? i don't feel like it. my brothers definitely don't see it. but my mom wants me to feel like one, and sees me like one. she tells me to do things twenty-year-olds should do, including... this. not getting into details here. but yeah. bye. she never asks, but now she talks about it. many times... i can talk to her, ask her anything, joke around. it's fun, but freaky haha. the first time she said "umur doploh mmg dah patut ada dah pun", i was like gurlll, who are you and what have you done to my momma?!

mama's only saying that because it should take years to get to know somebody before you marry them. i wanted seven years. now i'm 20... dont wanna be married at 27 so i'll cut down the numbers haha. it's not like she wants me to get married now, so i don't have to be worried of mom telling me to marry somebody i don't want to or when i don't want to. it all depends on me hehe. mama aint no mak drama melayu k.

when i was 18, she told me to start praying for a good spouse. the first time i did was when i did my umrah, it was at masjid nabawi, my first time praying there when i was crying tears and snots. i prayed about everything i could pray for. i prayed to make the right decisions in life, cos i'm so indecisive and i'm always afraid of taking the wrong turn and having to return and redo, so i prayed about choosing the right pathway, the right course, the right university, the right career, the right spouse - who's this and that. but only then it was only like a sub unit not the main topic.

now at 20, she tells me not to just pray but do something about it. you see, i'm the type of person who won't pray for what i don't feel. i am at the point in life which i feel nothing, thus i don't feel the need to pray about that thing. i know that's good but i've just got many other things to pray for right now. takde masa la nak doa jodoh ni banyak lagi benda nak doa, i always say. there's just no feel in the prayers if there's no feel in the heart. aww. not that i never did, so i know the difference. between praying with a cause and praying just because. i'll wait till the time comes to pray, the time comes when i have to pray. i'll know when, it's when i don't know. that's just me, i don't even pray for my own good health. when it's vital, but i just don't see it in long term. i know that's bad but hey, i never not pray for my mom's good health and etc etc etc so i guess that's make up for it right? two in one. the angels are praying for me too insyaallah hehe. ama's so lazy.

when i told her about friends who have "friends", she'd say mesti dorang doa, sebab tu perjalanan hidup lancar, senang je dapat cepat je jumpa. ma doakanla! i'm too lazy to pray for my own jodoh for god's sake. like i said, i have other things to pray for. but that doesn't mean i do or only think about the things i say in my prayers, it just means what is not included in the prayers, is not important enough at the moment. we can do everything though, we've just got to prioritize. stok2 yang awek kena no 1 sentiasa ni mohon clash je lah k.

i'm old school and new school too. i'm conservative but also liberal. i'm both traditional and modern.

love me or hate me, that's the true story.

i agree with going to see wali before you're getting down on one knee. but if you wanna go to my wali you have to get through me. guys have to get green light from other girls' parents to get the girl but with me i give the green light to get to the parents. so much girl power here. but that's just me lah. other girls you can break the door and threat the wali into marrying you both right at that moment for all i care lol.

why? because i'm not getting myself into any awkward situation. if i were a guy, i wouldn't want it either. imagine myself as a guy. i wouldn't want to go meet the girl's parents, despite not having enough guts telling myself to get some nerves, believing that it will all work out for the best, then finding out from the parents that i got rejected. wanna make it worse? get myself rejected in front of my parents. or if i'm that goody two shoes to just send my parents to do the talking, to have them tell me about the rejection. imagine them putting their hands on your shoulders looking in your eyes saying "naw son". donno about you, but i'm the better-off-disappointed-alone kinda guy. erm, girl.

why don't guys and girls just get awkward themselves first, because getting the family involved straightaway is just embarrassing. if you're too even goody two shoes you can't talk to each other, consider sending letters or using a trusted middle person to pass the message as simple as this

"can i see your wali and get a yes?"

"can."

see, simple! awkwardness averted! heartbreak (in front of elders) spared!

ni dah berkias berpantun bermadah bagai siap bawak kaum kerabat pastu kena reject, lol.

in my ideal imagination both sides already know the answer. talk to each other first, then talk to your parents. see what they say. they can discuss when the parents meet. discussion is good, even if it's not in your favour. way much better than a rejection, right? to me, we're living right here and now, so it's realistic and practical. the parents meet just to make it formal, if it is to be made official. the parents can still meet just for the sake of it, once you at least know where it's going even if you don't know how and when. it's informal and fun. if you don't think it will be, then restrain from introducing the parents and wait until you really have to, haha.

another thing is about chaperoning. i once chaperoned two awkward people, leaving me awkward in the middle. because it was their first time. at least me being there was not as awkward as it would have been with family! imagine meeting for the first time or going out at early stage with family, when you yourselves are awkward enough without your family interfering and just making things more awkward cos they are family. right???... or is it just me. cos i have the last child syndrome and inferiority complex or something....

i'm awkward with my own family, sooo *shrugs. i guess it's best to be chaperoned by somebody who knows you well, cool enough, yet knows the boundary. no matter who that is, doesn't always have to be family. like me. i'm perfect. why? no, not why i'm perfect. do you really have to ask, lolololulz. why are people like me the perfect chaperons? and people like me need the perfect chaperons? because we weirdos have weird families. apart from my mom, my family don't know much about me besides what they have to know, you know, like where i live or what age i am. although my brothers used to be confused, but i guess that would do that they knew i was a girl. hm. apart from my mom, i don't talk much to my family besides what they have to know, you know, like what i studied. although my brother asked me if i was going to fly overseas in my 3rd semester of alevel, but at least he asked. hm. no, he was not wrong. that's a really good question. of course i wanted to, but was i going to? deep there.

but let's just stick to marriage thingies shall we cos we've covered that topic in the previous post and i wanna chill.

how are you supposed to have that deeper conversation with the potential spouse in front of the person whom you've never had deeper conversation with?

i feel like if i ever, when pigs fly, had my brothers chaperoned me, it would be more of a session in which they were the ones who would get to know me. such a pity when i'm so fly in the outside world, sigh~

but of course, my brothers would never chaperon me. they would never let me see somebody. they would never let me get married. not that i never did hahahah. i mean, not the married part. it's hard when babah's not around. for a lot of reasons, but in this area it's particularly harder. i bet if babah was still here he wouldn't mind. after all, he and mama got the coolest parents award, remember? cool in a controlled way, cey. if babah was here, there would only be one obstacle. babah and mama were one unit. they could discuss and decide. when angah wanted to get married at 21, babah just let him but mama let in her thoughts first. girls. but he got married anyway. now, babah's not here. i've got 5 obstacles. mom and third brother are cool though. i said to mama "how do you expect me to bring anybody home, with them, at home?"

that's why we prefer to not do it at home, lol, i mean bring the matters to family's concern.

bro 1, this is the same mom when you brought your girlfriend you met in US when we were in UK having a family trip. bro 2, this is the same mom you asked to bring your girlfriend to stay at home every school holiday because she lives faraway. bro 3, this is the same mom whom you showed your girlfriend to during your solat hajat pmr, but u cool so ok. bro 4, this is the same mom when you had all your girlfriends since forever till the end of your single life. i don't know what you guys call them back then but don't think i don't know. jadi jangan jadi poyo. my mom said ala biar je, mana tau dorang tak kasi. sebab dorang poyo sejak azali maaa.

cos my brothers weren't so innocent, maybe they think every guy is the same, like them. muahahah. so they don't trust anybody with..... male genes. so unfair for me tsk. but my mom, she got babah who was super nice the ultimate good guy but never cowardice, so she thinks, despite saying nobody can be like babah, that males generally are like babah. maybe my parents just got the cool genes and my bros don't. something about recessive alleles or something, idk. bye bio. 

so i say, it's not going to work if you ask their family members about them or get their family members to chaperon you, if the family doesn't really know the person. it happens.

why i'm rambling about this is because i feel, not all old ways suit the modern days. of course, you don't have to abandon all, you've just got to modify it a bit. plus, all those stuffs about asking parents for one's hand in marriage or asking family about one's self, solely, was necessary only because people back then don't know each other!!! how else are you going to talk to a girl if the girl doesn't talk to guys and only stays at home? now, even girls who stay at home have internet. loool.

well, if you still choose the meet the parents first then only talk after you're wedded, good for you, you goody two shoes.

i'm also rambling because i just talked to my mother about this. as usual, she only listens while she does her things. besides that, i'm in the process of assisting somebody with my expertise to woo... women. i realize it's not easy either, the games people these days play. you've gotta have tactics and strategies and breaks and plans and backup plans. i feel my brain cells connecting, what a wingwoman. i don't always get to put my skills into practice, but when i do it's for helping a friend. sigh. dude if she falls for you, she falls for me. i'm so smooth and subtle and most importanly, syara' compliant *wink. hahahaha

anyway, despite me being so bajet talking about marriage so poyo, i think i'll end up an old maid.

it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

ok i'm out, bye.

Twenty and Thankful :)

it's my birthday today, and my birthday present i give myself is... i'm at home!

i've been planning this since last week? last two weeks? what i wanted for my birthday was a day of doing nothing, a day to chill and relax, a day to run away from reality. so i planned to skip class today and tomorrow. class wasn't supposed to be on this week, the lecturers are busy marking trial papers, and all i do if i go to class is everything else except study. so... why not? but in light of the latest information from an informer, i might as well extend this short escape this whole week! muehehe.

yes i just got back from kl to shah alam on sunday night with my bro. yes right after class on monday afternoon i went back to kl again on my own. yes it's crazy. but that's what i wanted to do, so that's what i did. although before that there was some unexpected unwanted incident in which i was being followed by someone i would rather not be seen with... but it's all good. i got back home as planned. after two hours of commuting. after only some hours in shah alam. i was home again. 

today, i woke up in the morning in my own bed, not having to get up and go to class, and it felt good.

but everything else was just okay. or bad, i don't know. but the best was it was okay. the worst was the "ended" of MH370. i shed tears at some points throughout the day because of it. it already started the night before when "ended" gave a whole new meaning but at the same time, the meaning was unknown. i never stop following the updates, i make sure i never miss anything. you could talk to me about it over a cup of coffee or a glass of ice tea and we'd have to refill because i won't stop talking. i will cite what i read from somewhere and tell what i heard from somebody. perhaps another post for this.

that's all i did too, on my birthday. i followed the updates. like i've been doing for more than two weeks. because i care about the case. and maybe because if i didn't do that, i had nothing else to do, and if i wasn't sad about it, i'd be sad about me.

but i lost it anyway. no matter how indulged you are in the lives of others, you can never really escape yours.

i guess i just have to get used to it. that every year, i will be sad on my birthday. the sooner i deal with it, the sooner it stops. let it out, don't have to keep it in. it's not gonna work, it's gonna come out anyway. so let it be. then live on.

what's weird was i didn't feel all this ten years ago. when did it start? last year? last two years? last three? i don't know. but it started and it won't stop. at least, it didn't this year. the last birthday i spent here. which made me sadder because today was just like the previous years, even less, as if i'd be around next year. but then again if i would, it's not like it would be any different, wouldn't it?

for most part of the day i was asking myself what am i doing? nothing.

should i have stayed in shah alam? no.

i feel distant, so i distant myself.

i didn't leave shah alam on my birthday simply to spend it in kl. it's not like i celebrate my birthday here, or have anything special. it's really just like any other day, even less than that maybe. but at least it's better than being in akasia, i assume. or because i didn't want to know if it would be better or worse, that's why i prefer being at home. at least i already know how it always is.

and even then, some sadness just can't disappear.

it's gonna be the same anywhere anyway. so at least at home it will be less worse, if not better.

after i was done being sad for myself, i resumed being sad for the ended flight.

it puts things in perspective, especially on a birthday, doesn't it?

i am luckier than those on board. i am way luckier than those who have loved ones on board.

if i think of what i should have, i'll never feel full. but when i think of what i do have, i'll always feel thankful. thank you Allah. to be alive and to have those i love alive, are more than enough. thank you all for all your wishes.

i appreciate wishes for my year and my life, rather than my day. because i might have "happiness" and "success" and "blessings" and "joy", but i'm not having "fun" or "a blast". 

then again, it reminds me, why is it so important to have a meaningful day in a year when you already have a meaningful life? why does my life have to be based on how good my birthday is when i have many other good days throughout these twenty years? why do i have to mind about what people do for me on my birthday when people have done so much for me on other days? why do i have to bother what i get today when i've already got a lot?

this personal holiday isn't even the only birthday gift i gave myself this year. but at least i can give myself what i want, right?

i have to be thankful for my life, rather than for my birthday, right? there's a lot to be thankful for! :)

anyway, if one year is an indicator of anything, it indicates how much things have changed. what day is better for you to realize what is different between then and now than your birthday? i have changed. people have changed. i just wonder what year will it be when i can count on the constant from then on.

and i hope the constant i have now, will still be here in many years. that's my birthday wish and daily prayers.

so this is me 20 years ago :)

thanks to my mom for giving birth to me and my dad for making sure i was not swapped with other babies by following me from the delivery room to the baby nursery until i was tagged with that pink card to make sure i'm his and it didn't end up like some malay drama hehe :')

like any other day, today is ordinary. but today, i'm twenty :)

it's something big, isn't it?

My Mom Never Tells Me Not To Be Friends With Anybody

what i like about my mom is - ok fine, one of the things i love about my mom is she never tells me not to befriend anyone.

i've had many types of  friends with many kinds of experiences. but whoever they were, or whatever they did, my mom never once said "jangan kawan dengan dorang" or "takyahlah kawan dengan budak camtu". not ever. not even once.

because my mom didn't judge them. i've gone through many phases myself, to be fair. and one of the phases was i was judgemental. i hated myself for that. that was a part of me i am ashamed of. i was 13-14. i didn't hate my friends, i never thought of not being friends anymore, but still, i looked at them in a different way. i talked about them in a different way. as if what they did or who they were was so wrong. even if it was, i shouldn't have done that. i didn't really badmouth them, i didn't talk that badly about them. but to this day it still feels wrong. not them. not what they did. but what i did. me.

i realize about this whenever other parents tell their children not to be friends with anyone.

it occurs to me "but my mom never does that."

i've heard other parents telling their children not to be friends with someone just because that kid had a crush and talked about her crush. hello? i've had friends who had boyfriends when we were in primary school! did i have a boyfriend too just because i was surrounded by such friends? no! mind you, this is not me being saint, it was just my principle. that at 11/12 it was laughable to have a boyfriend no matter how much we liked each other. at least to me, i wouldn't stick on myself that label. even then, i had crushes, and i talked about them. so what? did it make me kinky? even if i did have a boyfriend, so what? am i that dirty?

if i say i have a boyfriend now or something of that sort, does your perception of me magically change? if so, goodbye. 

please, please, please, get this parasitic prejudice out of your head.

come on, don't tell me you've never at least had a crush? pfft. this is what happens when adults forget how it's like to be kids and teenagers. we all have our phases. be there with your children in each phase instead of stopping them to enter any or telling them to skip some. that's the only way you lead them down the road without them going astray.

i'll never forget the day when my high school friends came to my house for raya. we were 14. when they left, my bro said they were all good girls. why? because "semua pakai tudung." excuse me? applying deductive reasoning, does it mean if i had free-haired friends, i made bad choices? that they were bad girls? excuse me? did you just oversimplify people? did you just base your whole judgement on hijab? did you just overgeneralize all hijabists as good girls? so what about my friends who came beraya two years earlier? they didn't wear tudung. so they were bad girls? i made bad choices? i was friends with bad people?

what made me mad was the fact that i knew my friends. that i knew how to make choices. and even if i did make bad choices in choosing friends, it didn't mean i would become bad as well.

little did my brothers know that, now, many years later, those free-haired friends are getting better at covering their aurah and getting better as muslims as a whole, and that some of those hijab-wearing friends have done things they would be surprised to know a hijabist would do. but nevermind, that's their lives. however, something concerning my life is that some of them, have hurt me, betrayed me, oh and stolen my money by lying to me. and many others. but nevermind, as long as they wore hijab, right?

my mom? she never cared about all this.

whenever i told my mom about anything my friends did which was bad to the old-judgemental-me, she always said only one and one thing only. she told me not to be like them. because don't be like people who you talk about. that's all. she didn't say that because she warned me not to do anything against her wishes. she said that because she advised me not to eat my own spit. 

now when i'm reminded about it, it reminds me of a hadeeth which states that we won't die unless we've committed the same sin we backbite about.

my mom might not have said it based on this hadeeth, and even if this hadeeth doesn't exist, it's true nevertheless. fyi, one doesn't need to study religion and law and moral to have common sense. my mom said it simply on the basis: jangan jadi macam dia, sebab kita dah cakap pasal dia. biasanya kita jadi macam orang yang kita cakapkan. jadi jangan mengata orang, takut jadi sama macam dia. senang je logik mak aku.

true enough, years later.... i haven't exactly been like those i once talked about, but i have changed my mind about them. i have changed my mind about their actions. that i could be the one doing it, that i even would, too.

i'm proud of my mom for being wise. for not judging. for being neutral. whatever i told her, she didn't really react to it. she just listened. then told me "asalkan tak jadi macam dorang."

people change. my friends change. i change. so why do you let one action change your perception of the person? even perceptions change. nothing remains the same.

i showed this to my mom and she laughed at the cartoon mom's hair

"kelakar rambut mak dia. tu mak dia boleh je rambut pendek"

"maaa!"

i don't let my mom have typical old people short haircut lol

then she saw this

"tu dia buat apa pulak dengan mak dia? comey" and she laughed

my mom is so cute :")

what i learn from my mom, i learn from observation. because she does it. not because she tells me to. maybe her ways work with me, because i'm quite a rebel. i don't do things i'm told to do. i do things without being told to, what i see people do. religion, law, moral, i do what i see my mom does. i guess i grew up quite well. although at the beginning, i was quite a lot to handle.

wearing tudung? my mom didn't tell me to do that. i didn't really want to do that either. but at 11, i did because of some reasons. at that time i had this difficult relationship with one of my bros. so one day when he saw me wearing tudung, he said "kan bagus macam ni pakai tudung." the next day, i went out not wearing tudung. and i made sure he saw me. hah. i was trying to make a point. the point was i don't do things because you tell me to! plus at that time i hated him, so i didn't want him to think that i did it because he wanted me to do it. i didn't want him to 'win', no matter how stupid that was. i do what i do, because i want to.

even until now. i do what i do, because i want to. not because people tell me to. not because that's what my friends do. to me i have my own identity. that is why my choice of friends do not define me. i have befriended all types of people with all kinds of experiences. i was even in 'mean girls' group and later in 'good girls' group. but i was still my own person. not to say that i'm such a good girl, it's just that i'm not easily influenced. if i do something bad, that's my own decision. 

i once thought about parents who told their children not to be friends with anyone, and then i thought about my mom who never does that, and i felt so overwhelmed i almost cried. my mom is such a nice person.

it's only up to her children to make the best out of that, or take advantage of that.

the only time my mom tells me not to befriend anybody is if befriending them makes me mad or sad.


my mom knows my friends who are worth knowing. girls and guys. my mom never forbids me from being friends with boys. boys used to come to rumah for beraya. they can even come now and my mom doesn't have any problem with it. the problems are: 1. i have poyo bros. 2. i don't feel like letting them come myself. because malas nak layan. lol. and because YOU have problems with me, how do you even dare to show your face up my front door? man i'm not gonna invite you to my wedding let alone my house. bam.

jadi laki jangan pepandai la datang rumah aku tetiba tak bagitau. kalau aku tak bukak pintu sebab aku taknak tengok muka kau, jangan salahkan aku. lagipun adab bertandang kena bagitau dulu. reti?


when i was 13-14, i was judgemental because i was just exposed to syeikh google and imam internet... you get me? i read everything on the internet and i accepted it without questioning, without checking with other sources, without applying it in reality. so i also became worried and unrealistic. it affected me to the point i once cried because i thought "why is it so hard to live? why am i living in sins? how to get away from this all?" i expressed my concern to my mom and she said "buat biasa je. sekarang baru sekolah, belum belajar belum kerja. nanti macam mana? jadi sederhana je." she was realistic. don't do anything that's wrong, but not everything is wrong. now, that's what i'm doing. i didn't listen to my mom, but i learnt it from experience. yes, true. there are limitations in this life, but it doesn't limit you from living. i guess i'm okay. not tied, not wild. living my life.



maybe my mom and i do make a good team. her ways happen to work well with mine. had another girl been her daughter, maybe it would have caused chaos. i could have misused my mom's trust all the time, but i didn't. not because i'm such a good daughter and didn't want to betray her, but simply because i just don't feel like doing such things. all those evenings stayback kat sekolah? boleh je pergi merempit kuar dating ke apa. pastu pegi sekolah balik tunggu mak datang ambik. all those night classes kat sekolah yang aku tak pernah pergi sebab katanya masalah transportasi dan sebab sebenarnya malas nak pergi? boleh je ambik kesempatan sebab ada pulak yang bersedia jadi bodyguard hantar pergi balik. but i wasn't that innocent either. i just never went that far.

yeah, my mother knew the bodyguard. lol. mama never gave red light. she just said "asalkan jangan lebih-lebih." know what to do and what not to do. that's what she answered when i asked her about it, not that i ever changed the tittle bodyguard to bo- something else. and that's when i was in school. now that i'm out of school, she gave me green light. lulz. more on that later :3

one more thing my mom always tells me no matter what i do or who i be or who i was worried that i would be, is this: "asalkan jangan tinggal solat." perform your prayers and everything else should be okay. don't worry too much. perform your prayers and you won't go astray.


rather than reminding me about what type of friends i can/cannot be friends with, my mom always reminds me about what type of person i have to be. that it's all me. she doesn't put the blame or the praise on my friends, she puts it all on me. that if i do something wrong, i am to be blamed. if i do something right, i am to be praised. i don't know if that's her intention, but that's how i know that i decide my own definition. i develop my own identity. regardless of where i am and who i am with. which is good. which is genius.

i'm trying to listen without judging, know without assuming, talk without accusing. even if i do, i try not to talk about it, keep it to myself, and brush it off, thinking i don't know any better and i am not any better and i could be worse in the past and i could do worse in the future. the thing is, i like to gossip. lol. yeah yeah i know it's not good. but i try not to slander or bitch about the subject, i just talk about it matter-of-factly. because sometimes listening and knowing and talking about people is fun, hahah k.

which reminds me of a couple of days ago. an ustaz on tv said "nak tengok camne jodoh kita, tengok ibunya dulu."

i said "my mom is perfecto. so i'm pun perfecto." ma laughed. hehe i'm not perfect at all but my mom kind of is, so ok la kan? lolol.


this is one of the reasons why i love my mom so much, if loving your mom ever needs a reason. she's not judgemental. she trusts her children, it's up to us what to do with that trust. she doesn't tell me "don't do this, don't do that" apart from religious obligations. i don't know why, either she knows how her daughter is, what type of person i am and what kind of things i do, or she just trusts me despite the reality of modern day daughters.

whatever it is, it means a lot to me. because it shows that she knows her daughter.

she knows i know myself better than to have such a fragile self-concept easily shaken by my peers.

insyaallah.

this is why my mom is the best mother for me, our ways work well and that's what matters.

alhamdulillah :)

Jodoh Lesson Shopping Session

i'm gonna talk about jodoh a bit lah ok today.

if i can talk about jodoh in term of shopping, there are three different situations:

1. when you see a dress on sale, you may like the colour, the pattern, the cutting. but something's not right. when you try it on, it doesn't fit you. or when you imagine yourself wearing it, it doesn't suit you. you like it, but it's not for you. it's just not you. the same thing goes to jodoh.

you like someone, but you know you're not compatible on some level. you don't have chemistry. you just like the idea of them, but you don't love them. or you know somebody with whom you have the C&C, somebody you would fall for if he was a fictional character, you would fall even more for if he existed in the real world. but now you've met him, you like him as a person, but you don't love him in that way. 

the way i didn't buy a dress i would have bought, but for some reasons, i didn't.

2. you are searching for the perfect shoes. one shop after another, the whole mall you've conquered. but nothing is right for you. you like the colour, but you don't wear high heels. you like the design, but you don't wear flats. time is running out, so you just have to buy a pair, against your will, just to have something to wear. 

like the first situation, the second situation is based on personal experience. hehe. both are somewhat common but the second one left more impression. i had explored one mall in penang and gone into each store thrice, but i just couldn't make up my mind, because i didn't find exactly what i had in mind. i had shortlisted some pairs. i even planned to buy two pairs if i just couldn't choose. it turned out, one day of shoe seeking was fruitless. i bought none. i left feeling cranky i even said no to the best steak i haven't had in years. omg what a waste. 

the next day i went to another mall, this time my mom accompanied me, because she wanted me to just buy a pair and get it over with. under her pressure, i bought one. at the last row of shoes, i found it. i did a double take. i decided to buy it. but i was not happy. i felt... forced. like a forced marriage lol. to me if i'm gonna buy something, i'm gonna spend money only on what i feel worth it, what i love. the same goes to marriage.

a few minutes later, i accepted the fact that i have paid for the shoes, so i might as well accepted them.

i said something like this, "macam ni lah kot jodoh. taknak pun beli jugak."

ma replied "memula memangla tak suka. lepastu belajarla hidup dengan kekurangan dia. terima jelah seadanya."

we both laughed.

and... it's true. after i brought it home, i couldn't take my eyes off it. i couldn't wait to wear it. suddenly it was... sufficient to me? sufficient for me? hahaha so weird romanticizing shoes like this. now i love it. sometimes when i wear it, i eye my shoes... it doesn't have all the criteria of the perfect shoes i was looking for; not the design, not the colour, nothing. but now i feel that my shoes are enough. it fits me perfectly and perfectly matches my clothes :)

3. one day, i helped my friend look for a new card holder for her id card. there were card holders of all colours and cartoon characters... i found one of hello kitty. i knew she loves hello kitty so much she is even a collector, so i showed it to her. she was thrilled. then i found something which thrilled me too. a pink card holder with a pink lanyard. it was so cute! sort of love at first sight, but then it already fit my criteria. i wanted it so bad! but i was contemplating whether to buy it or not. my card holder, although detached from the UK/US lanyard for A-Level students, although dangled only on a keychain with a yellow koala face and my house key, was still in no state which needed me to buy a new one for my id. i didn't have a reason to buy it, so i didn't.

one month and a half later, a few days ago, my plastic card holder got torn apart. so i went to the same shop. there it was, the pink card holder with the pink lanyard. it was not hanged like other card holders, it dropped on some place else, somewhere i didn't have to look for. i found it straightaway without even looking. guess what, it was the last one left! had i gone a little later, somebody else could have bought it! i would have to settle with boring black lanyards or plain plastic card holders... but no, i went to the shop at the right time.

i told this to my friend. so it started from there.

"kita datang dulu tapi tak beli. kita memang nak sangat. rupanya belum sampai masa... sekarang masanya dah tiba!"

"ya Allah ama..." her mouth was left hanging, the realization in her eyes of where this was going.

"timing awak... timing. the right time..."

"macam jodoh."

"jodoh datang ikut timing. dulu kita takde sebab nak beli, sekarang ada sebab..."

"jodoh datang.......... bila perlu."

*DUA DUA TERNGANGA TERBELIAK TERPANA DENGAN KEBIJAKSANAAN SENDIRI*

prior to the mindblowing finding we were already talking about this topic, she told me about the only book she's read from cover to cover because it was so good. the book is about jodoh. then i left to go to the shop. when i returned, we kinda continued our conversation, that's why even this event was linked to jodoh... it's not like we see the concept of fate in everything, hahaha no, hahaha who does that, hahaha lame-o~~~ hahaha... 

ok.

so yeah.

just imagine if we can actually shop for jodoh. omg. can i do it online? can i have free shipping? can i custom made it? can i illegally download it? can i have the promotion package? can i buy 1 free 1?

i'd say finding a mate is pretty much like shopping. yet, you decide your own fate. you determine whether you want the product despite the price. if you don't get off your arse, no dress, no shoes, no card holder is gonna fall onto your lap from the sky. just because God has written it all down for you, doesn't mean you just have to wait and He'll throw it to your face. nothing is gonna shove itself up your nose.

just like shopping, it might take a day or two, swollen feet, messed up mind, questionable choices, regrettable resits, before you find the perfect match. but when you do, even if it's not perfect, you will find that it perfectly fits you.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I never wanted to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower for one and one reason only: I had not read the book yet. if i watch a movie based on a novel first without reading the novel, i would never read the novel. it will just ruin the experience because movie adaptations always ruin the original masterpiece. besides that, the same thought about The Faults In Our Stars lingered too, and a bit of "it's too mainstream" stopped me. but what if it's too mainstream just because of the movie? what if it's too mainstream because it's actually good? what if the book is really good? what if i'm missing out on something worth knowing?

so, i read the book.

and man, man. i finished it in one day. and watched the movie the next day. and man, man. i cried watching it more than i should have, i had tears during scenes which aren't even that sad, but i guess that's because i've read it first, and i know the story better than it conveys, i've dived deeper into the pages. books always give me more feelsss. i love the book, it's different. i might have fallen for the main character, too. what? i've had fictional crushes before. people have summer flings, well, i have those. lol.

i like The Perks more than i do The Faults. Sorry John Green. Your Augustus Waters and your quotes really took my breath away, but Stephen gave a soul to the book, which it gave to me. i guess i can relate better to Charlie.

i seriously do not want to say that i can relate to charlie, because it is already too mainstream. the world wants to claim they get charlie. everyone who reads and watches The Perks wants to take the tittle wallflower. i do not want to be yet another teenager who says "i'm a wallflower. i see things. i keep quiet about them. and i understand". seriously i don't want to be a cliche.

but i do. i do feel like charlie a bit. maybe not the lonely, weird, alone, socially awkward part, but the seeing, keeping quiet, and understanding part. the thinking part. i noticed this about myself since a long time ago.

i've always noticed things, but most of the times i shut up about it, because it's either a) it's silly to notice small things, b) it's creepy to think too much about things which do not even concern me, or c) it's not my place to talk about it, i don't have any right to say anything, and maybe it's just all in my little kid and teenager's head. so i keep quiet. and i understand. and sometimes, i hope i understand wrong.

maybe i am a bit wallflower weird in a way. 

i noticed that too darling, but i didn't know why until much later in the book :(

first off the book is simply written. It doesn't really use beautiful sentence structure or anything like that which will make you go wow at every turn of page, except for a few beautiful lines. it's simply written, in the voice of a boy, writing to a stranger. but as a whole, the story is beautifully written, and the characters are, too. it's real.

charlie is really something. seeing from his eye and thinking in his voice make me realize that this is the person i've always wanted to meet. someone who is so messed up even i'm not as messed up as him, but because we're messed up together on our own scale, we understand each other, we help each other, most importantly i want to help him, and he's so insightful and introspective, so genuinely nice and kind, so smart in his own way, and we can think and talk about what we see, keep quiet about, and understand.

i don't say this because everyone loves charlie now.
i say this because i l have always loved someone like charlie, before it was cool.

this is our first similarity i discovered. "WHY DIDN'T HE TALK TO ME I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM IF HE LET ME IN THEN WHAT WAS I ALL THIS TIME, A USELESS FRIEND?!" i would totally react like him if it were to happen to me, but maybe less dramatic and emotional? 

i couldn't understand why was he so temperamental... when he's not having a fit and acting like someone who needs medication to calm him down, he was a cry baby. i don't like cry baby boys. don't get me wrong, crying is masculine, crying shows you're strong, but not when you cry at everything all the time. not when you cry more than me, ahah. that's showing something. so i didn't understand at first, why was charlie like that. but man... the question was answered in time.

before we arrive at that time, i'm going to talk about suicide. suicide is selfish. that's it. i'm selfish for saying people can't end their own lives, yes, but they are selfish because all they think about are their lives, not the lives of others affected when theirs ended. but let that be for another post. don't say i don't understand the feeling of not wanting to live. but you don't decide that. don't take your own life. it's selfish.

sooo. charlie is so good at heart, it's moving. i can just read his thoughts and have tears in my eyes. he's just... so pure. he always wonders about people, and he always hopes they are happy.

“I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.” 

believe me or not, i've wondered about these things too. exactly the same thing. about the teachers, the students, some strangers, someone i lay eyes on and never see again, but at that moment i think about them. i know everyone has their own stories, like i have mine. this happens more often when i indulge in mine, because i am aware that i'm thinking of my stories, so i guess other people might be thinking of theirs too. i wonder what that could be. i wonder about their lives, and hope they don't have some shitty lives, because i will feel sad about them, and i know they must be sadder than i am. i want people to be happy because everybody deserves to be happy. if they are not happy, they are gonna make other people have shitty lives too, and i don't want to be that other people, i don't want to be unhappy because they are unhappy.

this is totally true. you know when you have problem seeing other people, it's because you have problems.

this is totally true too. wow what an alliteration. i know Prophet Muhammad pbuh told us to look at those who are less fortunate when we feel down so we can look up to Allah and be more thankful, but like everything else he did, i'm sure it must be done with wisdom. i'm sick of people telling me that others have it worse when i feel i have something bad, so i won't say the same to other people. 

i know others have it worse. i know people in other third world countries, people in the slums in my country, and even some people in my neighbourhood have it worse. i know that, thanks. but don't let that fact cause you to overlook or even ignore the fact that this is what i have, this is what i know, so this is what i feel bad, worse, or the worst. i can only see that other people have it much worse, but i am not in their shoes to have it, i don't live in their skin to feel it. you don't too, do you? i'm sure that i'm more likely to be more empathetic than you are, hence more able to feel what they feel, but i still don't have it. i only feel what i have, and i only have that to compare to other feelings i feel. not anyone else's. even if they have it much worse.

so people, please, if you want to pull someone up, don't let themselves down anymore than they already are by telling them what they feel down about is nothing compared to what other people are down about. if i lived  a lucky, happy, luxurious life and i have everything and everyone i need and want, and i was down that my favourite tv show couple didn't end up together, don't tell me that what i felt was nothing. because that's the worst i ever felt in my life, that's only what i got to feel, that's a 10 on my sadness scale. instead, tell me that it's too bad, that if you were me you'd be sad. be there for me and listen to me. and then, tell me how there are actual couples in the world who are divorced, or how one of them died, or how the two of them were never even together even though they really loved each other. tell me that then. a moment after i felt better, or even a while later. that's wisdom.

i hope i won't be one of these unsympathetic morons who think the person is the one who's not being empathetic. if i ever was like them, forgive me please. that's just common sense. i'm sure nobody wants their sadness, disappointment, misery, depression, to be dismissed on the ground that "it's not bad enough", right?

i love charlie for having this common sense. but it's so sad, how other people in his world don't.

his favourite teacher who was also his friend told him this. my heart broke.

his crush who was with somebody else told him this. my heart broke.

this is one of the scenes i cried watching. i just really want people to care about charlie like he does for others okay! it's not fair that he really loves people around him and appreciates them but they don't! tsk. another sad factor is because of sam. sam's first kiss was when she was a kid, but with an older man. in other words, sexual assault. minor, but still. to have your first kiss out of force when you can't fight it. so sam wanted to make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen to charlie. because charlie was so naive and nice. it's so sad to think of it that way, that his first kiss might not have meaning because of how he was, and how other people were. charlie is a person who deserves the first kiss with someone who loves him.

the ever famous line. there are many versions of it made by fans, the best one is

"we take the naps we think we deserve"
straight to the heart, man, straight to the heart.

"maybe he didn't really encourage me to do things, but he didn't prevent me from doing them either. but after a while, i didn't do things because i didn't want him to think different about me. but the thing is, i wasn't being honest. so, why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?"

amen, sam, amen

i like it how sam had a bad reputation which was known to people, and charlie had a bad experience which was not known to people. charlie felt if people knew how crazy he was, they wouldn't talk to him. sam felt like she didn't deserve anything good because she had faced bad things and done bad things herself. but to charlie, he didn't care about sam's past because he didn't want sam to care about his past either. they had different kinds of past, but because they both were trying to change to be better, they didn't care. i like it.

he would hate it if she judged him based on how he was like, so he won't judge her. and when sam felt like she finally did something right in her life by getting into college, like the past didn't matter anymore and the real world was out there, she finally got the breakaway ticket.. :')

"i just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is."

for example, i see you as beautiful because i like you. only because of that. that's maybe sweet, but seriously?

charlie wants to be a writer! people who know him think he should be a writer too. hehe ;)

another point which makes me feel like i'm a bit like him is our desire to talk to a stranger about our lives. that's why this book is actually a series of his letters to someone who doesn't know him. that's why this blog was created in the first place. because we need to talk to somebody, or at least write it down.  the difference is charlie told everything to the stranger, and i don't really tell everything to this blog, because some of my readers are not strangers. when i was a kid, i always wanted to tell someone about my life, but i didn't want that person to know me. i want people to know my story, without knowing me. i don't want people i know to know what makes me emo. that's why sometimes this blog doesn't make sense, because i intentionally write in a way which doesn't make people understand. when they try to make sense of it, they tend to misunderstand. but writing even ambiguously knocks some sense into me. once i write things down, even if my heart is not at ease, it puts my mind at peace. because my mind is cluttered with words, and usually an empty mind means a free heart, even for a while.

i've felt like this too.

"i made aunt helen a promise to only cry about important things because i would hate to think that crying as much as i do would make crying for aunt helen less than it is."

Charlie's history

he's been to the doctor. yes, that doctor. the doctor for depression. psychologist, psychiatrist. at first, we didn't know why. we only knew that he's not like other people. he easily cries and when he gets upset or mad, his family knows it can't be good. charlie needs to be calmed down. breath, charlie, breath. people at his school didn't know he could be that bad, but once he was, they was dumbfounded. so yes, he was messed up, that we know. but why?

he had an aunt. but his aunt died. he loved his aunt so much, he said she was his favourite people in the world, even after she was gone. he remembered that she was the only one who hugged him. now, that's really sad. his aunt had issues, she was molested as a child, as adult she was abused by her boy friends, and she never could put her life together. charlie just seems to be really affected by his aunt. what happened?

"i walked up to my grandfather and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. he wiped my lip print off with his palm and gave me a look. he doesn't like the boys in the family to touch him. but i'm very glad i did it anyway in case he dies. i never got to do that with my aunt helen"

that later we learned. charlie was born on christmas eve. so he usually got only one present for both occasions: birthday and christmas. his aunt died on chrismas eve. she was in a car accident. he remembered waiting for her to celebrate his birthday, but a police officer came instead, and his mom was crying. his aunt was dead? but that couldn't be. he only talked to her just a while ago. there must be a mistake, it was snowing badly out there, the police made a mistake because he couldn't see clearly. his mom left to identify the body. charlie was so sure that her aunt was still alive. until her mom came back, still crying. that's when he realized it was true; his favourite person in the world was dead. the next thing he knew, he was in a hospital. he couldn't remember anything else, like how badly he reacted after he accepted the truth.

but he also remembered, that before his aunt left, in the driveway before getting in the car, the last time he saw her, she whispered to him "i'm going to buy your birthday present."

yes, her aunt died because of him. it's either that which made him depress every christmas eve, or the sole reason that it's the anniversary of her death. on his birthday.

"that's the last time i ever saw her. i like to think my aunt helen would now have that good job she was studying for. i like to think she would have met  a good man. i like to think she would have lost the weight she always wanted to lose without dieting. despite everything my mom and doctor and dad have said to me about blame, i can't stop thinking what i know. and i know that my aunt helen would still be alive today if she just bought me one present like everybody else. she would be alive if i were born on a day that didn't snow. i would do anything to make this go away. i miss her terribly."

we thought that was all there was to charlie. we were wrong.

this is a coming-of-age story. it is about the transition from adolescence to adulthood. naturally there will be parts about what teenagers do when they feel like being adults. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is as innocent as charlie. so, the point is, charlie - after he was about to lose his innocence, which he didn't because he suddenly freaked out and cried for an unknown reason - dreamed of someone doing things to him. that someone was his aunt.

he later realized what happened when he was a little boy, and remembered what he forgot. i guess it's repression, that's what i learned in psychology. it means forgetting something to the point you don't even remember it ever happened, because your unconscious tells you so. because if your conscious is aware about it, it will be bad for you. because it was something bad. it's either that, or he actually didn't know what she was doing to him to register it happened, until he was reminded about it when he already understood what it was. that is why even when he was sixteen, his doctor always asked him about his childhood. he didn't understand why, he always recalled the same thing, and repeated the same thing. nothing new. little that he knew, the doctor was trying to make him remember what he forgot. psychology. hehe. k.

back to the point, that's so effed up.

this was when he discovered the truth :(

just imagine. you really love your aunt. your favourite person in the world. the only one who ever hugged you. the only one who bought you two presents; one for your birthday, another for christmas. when she died you were devastated, that you were diagnosed with depression. it never disappear even when you were a teenager. it shaped your personality, it affected your life. because she died on your birthday for buying your present. because you still love her so much even to this day. then you discover that all the time you spent with her when you were little, the time you loved because she let you stay up late, the time you got to spend with your favourite person, during all that time, she sexually abused you.

that's so effed up.


what would you do with the truth? what would your parents who were unsuspected do? what would your siblings who were untouched do? when someone all of you really love, did something so horrible to you?

write to me, charlie

after reading this page i hope with everything i could that it was not the last page. it would kill me if it was. not knowing what happened to charlie. it would be more real, but then the author would be cursed to death. luckily he could think better. so the next page, in the epilogue, we found out that charlie ended up staying in the hospital again. he finally figured out what's wrong with him.

but charlie got better. probably that was the closure he needed to get better. the most memorable moment in this story to me is probably when he still felt how much he loved his aunt helen for buying him two presents. he didn't blame her, he loved her all the same. and how he still addressed her "my aunt helen" because nothing really has changed, although everything actually has.

"it's like if i blamed my aunt helen, i would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family who fooled around with her when she was little. and the person that fooled around with him. and god for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. and i did do that for a while, but then i just couldn't anymore. because it wasn't going anywhere. it wasn't the point."

charlie is such a beautiful character

book and movie ending.
just read what he wrote. charlie was indeed a beautiful character.

this story is a lot more than that, there are many other things worth noting. like his improved relationship with his sister because he always cared for her no matter whatever. like how his mom was always patient and nice to him when he had a fit and everyone gave up on him. like when his best friend, patrick, who was gay, was going through a hard time and he was always there for him, and when patrick kissed him because he wasn't thinking straight (pun!), charlie just let him, because charlie said that's what friends are for. and many other moments and little things.

this is a coming-of-age story seen from the eye of a teenager but told in a voice of an adult. i really love it. 

you are special even when you don't think you are, and that's okay if others don't think so too. what matters is you do. everyone has to live their own life and then share it with other people. it's not the question of living for other people or keeping to ourselves. care for others, but live for yourself. you can't be a wallflower forever, you have to do things, you have to participate, you have to bloom and grow. you love someone only when their happiness is more important than your own, but not doing anything about the person you love doesn't count as love. it's good to put things in perspective because there other other people who have it worse, but actually the only perspective is to really be there, because it's okay to feel things. even if others have it so much worse. you can blame other people for what happened to you, but the cycle of blame will never end, and you'll end up hating everyone, even god. you can decide what you will make happen instead. life doesn't stop where you want it to, people leave even when you don't want them to, but the moments will all be memories. so hold on to that while other things slip away with time. love people, appreciate them, care for them, and hope they are happy, so do things to make them happy. but make yourself happy too.

thank you charlie. for writing to me.