The Proposal

the ending.

the end.

oh i forgot to mention i was talking about the movie.

lulz

Istanbul + Lisa + Beto + Warkah + Aku

tadi aku tengok Istanbul Aku Datang.

random gila, tetiba je post pertama sejak kemunculan semula bajet comeback ni pasal movie, movie lama lak tu. hidup kena random. baru unpredictable dan menerujakan (?). ni first time tengok cite ni sejak tengok kat wayang dulu, tengok ngan sape tah. diena ke hazirah? macam diena. sebab kalau tengok ngan diena tak segan salu nangis sesama hahaha hai hajer :3 

rasanya insiden Mana Jodohku bersama diena tu jadi pas tengok cite ni. ke KIL? ke semua cite? LOL

"nak jugaaak, mana beto kita?!"

*dua indon lalu*

"takpe, we'll wait."

hahaha keji.

cite ni best sebab orang yang buat cite ni ialah orang sama yang buat cite Gol & Gincu dan Pisau Cukur. cite melayu yang best walaupun malangnya, westernized. tapi best. siapa suruh cerita melayu yang lain lame gila?! lagi2 jiwang islamik!! allergic!!! *terus trending: "keretapi dikecam industri filem melayu kerana mengecam industri filem melayu"/"keretapi hilang jati diri"/"keretapi sekular" lol. best kat sini dari segi plot, character development, natural dialogue, fresh idea, cinematography dan sebagainya ye. ha kau ingat aku takleh cakap bahasa orang filem ke.

cite ni jugak best sebab ada kelakar, sedih, drama, semua ada. di sini saya ingin menekankan bab emo movie ni.

sudah semestinya masa azzad (tomok) maki dian (lisa my pretty bby). masa dia cakap merewang jalang segala tu, tengok muka dian pun dah sedih. masa tu harris (beto ma boo) yang bising, dian diam je. dia pandang azzad dengan muka "sanggup kau cakap camtu? sanggup kau fikir camtu? i'm so done, i can't even, whatever." haaa. it's worse when someone just stays silent, instead of saying more. they shut up, they give up. then after fist fight cat fight tu, scene harris basuhkan rambut dian sambil dian menangis. aku gelak, sebab lawak, tapi pada masa sama aku nangis jugak. faham tak perasaan dia? faham tak background music buat lebih feel?? faham tak???

pastu malam terakhir lisa dekat istanbul, yang dia deep conversation dengan harris. harris kata dia pernah ada pengalaman macam dian, tapi dia teruskan. sebab "dua hidup yang dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan." faham. tapi akhirnya berakhir jugak, walaupun bukan sebab tu. faham. benda kalau dah nak jadi, atau takkan jadi, memang tak boleh buat apa. manusia kalau dah memang bermasalah, pusing la banyak mana pun, pura-pura la selama mana pun, memang terhenti sampai situ je. faham.

nak nak lagi masa ni:

faham sangat.

dian kata, azzad tu dia dah kenal bertahun-tahun, bukan seminggu dua! harris balas... "ye. saya yang awak baru kenal seminggu dua," dan terus berlalu pergi. YA ALLAH ALL THE FEELS. sumpah ah. feel untuk dian, feel untuk harris, feel untuk diri sendiri, feel untuk satu dunia! 

dian, dear. i understand. it is easier to trust somebody you've known for years, even though they've betrayed your trust, simply for the reason that you have known them for years. you know them longer than anyone else. but it doesn't mean you know them better... logically, statistically, theoretically, you would, but that isn't always the case... maybe that's the rule, but we are the exception. you'd think that, what's a mistake compared to many other things he does right? yes, but what kind of mistake this is? how bad did he do you wrong? was it accidental or by choice? you'd think that, at least you know him, and you could have had a lot worse, and what if he will be better, and what if you won't get another? yes, but you can also get to know other people. who can be far better than him. even if they are way worse, so what? would you settle for somebody who's not worth it just for the sake of settling? no right? we are better than that.

you are better than that. i mean, look at you.

i can't stop looking.

lisa surihani my pretty lady, you're undoubtedly the prettiest girl... ever. you're both beautiful and cute, in both looks and personality. kalau omputeh, i rasa camni kat zooey deschanel, kalau ommelayu, you. yang tengok tak pernah jemu. usha tak pernah bosan. segan nak cakap tapi kengkadang i stalk you, just to see your face and it makes me feel... happy. ok let's not show the world how creepy you are ama. (i'm heterosexual). 

i hate yusry.

azzad is the epitome of guys i hate. wanna know what? watch the scene when he oh so pathetically explained to dian why he did the thing he did. what he did, and the reasons for it, are what make me hate a guy.

faham sangattt.

kesian dian. boleh bayangkan tak. jauh-jauh datang istanbul dengan agenda nak buat boyfriend dia ajak dia kawen. sekali lain yang dapat. bila dah dapat sakit jiwa patah hati macam tu, boyfriend ajak kawen pulak siap bajet sweet nak balik malaysia sekali. akhirnya dian dapat apa dia nak. tapi berbaloikah? 

TIDAKKK!!!!!

*sambil soundtrack nyanyian tomok, sungguh ironik, beralun sementara dian buntu*

Aku datang kepadamu

Aku datang mencarimu

Tapi kau pergi dariku

Bagai bayu di jari jari ku

(sedap lagu ni)

it's like, a guy is asking for another chance, and that is exactly what you want, but is it worth it? you are asked to give him time and wait for him to change investing yourself more and more in something you're not even sure of getting the return you hope for? what if it all goes to waste?

dian, dear. i understand. so trust me when i say, just get the hell out of there.

i mean, the relationship or whatever it is undeclared thing you've got going on. but harris? HE'S A KEEPER, KEEP HIM!

i liked beto before it was cool.

no, seriously. i've liked beto since 2009, when he played Rosli Dhoby in Warkah Terakhir. sejak tu tau beto pelakon yang hebat. drama ni pun memang terbaik sangat. menangis macam anak aku pulak yang kena hukum bunuh, tsk. sekarang aku harap beto dapat watak yang buat satu malaysia ternganga tengok bakat dia, sebab beto selalu berlakon cite underrated. thanks beto for giving me the chance to see the lives and share the tears of our national heroes and their loved ones. speaking of which... trivia time! did you know? Rosli had a girlfriend. Rosli asked her to promise him that she would wait for him. until this day, she is still waiting for him. waiting to be reunited, even in death....... how could you not cry???

a love story of exchanging love letters in books, which ended in an everlasting promise. i hope they will have their happy ending, there. so much respect for both. the guy - his courage. the girl - her patience. may they be rewarded, insyaallah.

cite ni style gile

beto lagi hensem dalam cite ni dan cite lain, tapi dalam istanbul rupa dia agak mengecewakan. peh suka hati je. sebab aku tak suka rambut dia! you look better with short hair! rambut tu buat awak nampak macam adik-adik sikit. i was hoping the ending scene would feature beto with short hair since it was two years later but sadly, still the side-swept gay hair. oh well, if that's what dian likes i'm in no place to complain. lol.

beto is the epitome of good-looking malay-looking guys. takla hensem sangat tahap artis sekarang, tapi cukup sedap mata memandang. ceh. aku ada kawan yang standard dia mat saleh je. sume omputeh. ommelayu ni bukan taste dia la. tapi dia suka beto! of all mamat melayu! siap layan Geng Surau hari-hari dulu masa bulan puasa sebab beto ada. nampak tak penangan beto khusyairy di situ. he's the definition of attractive, i guess. you like him but you don't know why :3

post ni pasal apa sebenarnya. hmmm.

like dian, i have my plans. i don't only have plans, i have my rules. 

but i'm discarding it all. i have discarded it all. i've learnt that life doesn't always go as planned, and love, certainly never does. i've learnt that i can live without my silly little rules and still have the same amount of dignity and worth, and anybody who thinks i am less decent just because of it, is not worth it. i'm now free and flexible, but that doesn't mean i'm somebody without principles. 

i don't have plans, and i don't have rules, and i'm just fine.

i do things, or don't, because i want to, or don't. because of what i feel at the moment. not because of some plans or rules i made up long ago, not in context and respect of what will or won't happen. you may say what you want but at twenty, after having lived cautiously, i guess i'd say..... i know what i'm doing so don't worry :)

oh and i do not blog like dian does. i do not.

no xoxo. no more.

no.

The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I never wanted to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower for one and one reason only: I had not read the book yet. if i watch a movie based on a novel first without reading the novel, i would never read the novel. it will just ruin the experience because movie adaptations always ruin the original masterpiece. besides that, the same thought about The Faults In Our Stars lingered too, and a bit of "it's too mainstream" stopped me. but what if it's too mainstream just because of the movie? what if it's too mainstream because it's actually good? what if the book is really good? what if i'm missing out on something worth knowing?

so, i read the book.

and man, man. i finished it in one day. and watched the movie the next day. and man, man. i cried watching it more than i should have, i had tears during scenes which aren't even that sad, but i guess that's because i've read it first, and i know the story better than it conveys, i've dived deeper into the pages. books always give me more feelsss. i love the book, it's different. i might have fallen for the main character, too. what? i've had fictional crushes before. people have summer flings, well, i have those. lol.

i like The Perks more than i do The Faults. Sorry John Green. Your Augustus Waters and your quotes really took my breath away, but Stephen gave a soul to the book, which it gave to me. i guess i can relate better to Charlie.

i seriously do not want to say that i can relate to charlie, because it is already too mainstream. the world wants to claim they get charlie. everyone who reads and watches The Perks wants to take the tittle wallflower. i do not want to be yet another teenager who says "i'm a wallflower. i see things. i keep quiet about them. and i understand". seriously i don't want to be a cliche.

but i do. i do feel like charlie a bit. maybe not the lonely, weird, alone, socially awkward part, but the seeing, keeping quiet, and understanding part. the thinking part. i noticed this about myself since a long time ago.

i've always noticed things, but most of the times i shut up about it, because it's either a) it's silly to notice small things, b) it's creepy to think too much about things which do not even concern me, or c) it's not my place to talk about it, i don't have any right to say anything, and maybe it's just all in my little kid and teenager's head. so i keep quiet. and i understand. and sometimes, i hope i understand wrong.

maybe i am a bit wallflower weird in a way. 

i noticed that too darling, but i didn't know why until much later in the book :(

first off the book is simply written. It doesn't really use beautiful sentence structure or anything like that which will make you go wow at every turn of page, except for a few beautiful lines. it's simply written, in the voice of a boy, writing to a stranger. but as a whole, the story is beautifully written, and the characters are, too. it's real.

charlie is really something. seeing from his eye and thinking in his voice make me realize that this is the person i've always wanted to meet. someone who is so messed up even i'm not as messed up as him, but because we're messed up together on our own scale, we understand each other, we help each other, most importantly i want to help him, and he's so insightful and introspective, so genuinely nice and kind, so smart in his own way, and we can think and talk about what we see, keep quiet about, and understand.

i don't say this because everyone loves charlie now.
i say this because i l have always loved someone like charlie, before it was cool.

this is our first similarity i discovered. "WHY DIDN'T HE TALK TO ME I COULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM IF HE LET ME IN THEN WHAT WAS I ALL THIS TIME, A USELESS FRIEND?!" i would totally react like him if it were to happen to me, but maybe less dramatic and emotional? 

i couldn't understand why was he so temperamental... when he's not having a fit and acting like someone who needs medication to calm him down, he was a cry baby. i don't like cry baby boys. don't get me wrong, crying is masculine, crying shows you're strong, but not when you cry at everything all the time. not when you cry more than me, ahah. that's showing something. so i didn't understand at first, why was charlie like that. but man... the question was answered in time.

before we arrive at that time, i'm going to talk about suicide. suicide is selfish. that's it. i'm selfish for saying people can't end their own lives, yes, but they are selfish because all they think about are their lives, not the lives of others affected when theirs ended. but let that be for another post. don't say i don't understand the feeling of not wanting to live. but you don't decide that. don't take your own life. it's selfish.

sooo. charlie is so good at heart, it's moving. i can just read his thoughts and have tears in my eyes. he's just... so pure. he always wonders about people, and he always hopes they are happy.

“I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.” 

believe me or not, i've wondered about these things too. exactly the same thing. about the teachers, the students, some strangers, someone i lay eyes on and never see again, but at that moment i think about them. i know everyone has their own stories, like i have mine. this happens more often when i indulge in mine, because i am aware that i'm thinking of my stories, so i guess other people might be thinking of theirs too. i wonder what that could be. i wonder about their lives, and hope they don't have some shitty lives, because i will feel sad about them, and i know they must be sadder than i am. i want people to be happy because everybody deserves to be happy. if they are not happy, they are gonna make other people have shitty lives too, and i don't want to be that other people, i don't want to be unhappy because they are unhappy.

this is totally true. you know when you have problem seeing other people, it's because you have problems.

this is totally true too. wow what an alliteration. i know Prophet Muhammad pbuh told us to look at those who are less fortunate when we feel down so we can look up to Allah and be more thankful, but like everything else he did, i'm sure it must be done with wisdom. i'm sick of people telling me that others have it worse when i feel i have something bad, so i won't say the same to other people. 

i know others have it worse. i know people in other third world countries, people in the slums in my country, and even some people in my neighbourhood have it worse. i know that, thanks. but don't let that fact cause you to overlook or even ignore the fact that this is what i have, this is what i know, so this is what i feel bad, worse, or the worst. i can only see that other people have it much worse, but i am not in their shoes to have it, i don't live in their skin to feel it. you don't too, do you? i'm sure that i'm more likely to be more empathetic than you are, hence more able to feel what they feel, but i still don't have it. i only feel what i have, and i only have that to compare to other feelings i feel. not anyone else's. even if they have it much worse.

so people, please, if you want to pull someone up, don't let themselves down anymore than they already are by telling them what they feel down about is nothing compared to what other people are down about. if i lived  a lucky, happy, luxurious life and i have everything and everyone i need and want, and i was down that my favourite tv show couple didn't end up together, don't tell me that what i felt was nothing. because that's the worst i ever felt in my life, that's only what i got to feel, that's a 10 on my sadness scale. instead, tell me that it's too bad, that if you were me you'd be sad. be there for me and listen to me. and then, tell me how there are actual couples in the world who are divorced, or how one of them died, or how the two of them were never even together even though they really loved each other. tell me that then. a moment after i felt better, or even a while later. that's wisdom.

i hope i won't be one of these unsympathetic morons who think the person is the one who's not being empathetic. if i ever was like them, forgive me please. that's just common sense. i'm sure nobody wants their sadness, disappointment, misery, depression, to be dismissed on the ground that "it's not bad enough", right?

i love charlie for having this common sense. but it's so sad, how other people in his world don't.

his favourite teacher who was also his friend told him this. my heart broke.

his crush who was with somebody else told him this. my heart broke.

this is one of the scenes i cried watching. i just really want people to care about charlie like he does for others okay! it's not fair that he really loves people around him and appreciates them but they don't! tsk. another sad factor is because of sam. sam's first kiss was when she was a kid, but with an older man. in other words, sexual assault. minor, but still. to have your first kiss out of force when you can't fight it. so sam wanted to make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen to charlie. because charlie was so naive and nice. it's so sad to think of it that way, that his first kiss might not have meaning because of how he was, and how other people were. charlie is a person who deserves the first kiss with someone who loves him.

the ever famous line. there are many versions of it made by fans, the best one is

"we take the naps we think we deserve"
straight to the heart, man, straight to the heart.

"maybe he didn't really encourage me to do things, but he didn't prevent me from doing them either. but after a while, i didn't do things because i didn't want him to think different about me. but the thing is, i wasn't being honest. so, why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didn't really even know me?"

amen, sam, amen

i like it how sam had a bad reputation which was known to people, and charlie had a bad experience which was not known to people. charlie felt if people knew how crazy he was, they wouldn't talk to him. sam felt like she didn't deserve anything good because she had faced bad things and done bad things herself. but to charlie, he didn't care about sam's past because he didn't want sam to care about his past either. they had different kinds of past, but because they both were trying to change to be better, they didn't care. i like it.

he would hate it if she judged him based on how he was like, so he won't judge her. and when sam felt like she finally did something right in her life by getting into college, like the past didn't matter anymore and the real world was out there, she finally got the breakaway ticket.. :')

"i just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is."

for example, i see you as beautiful because i like you. only because of that. that's maybe sweet, but seriously?

charlie wants to be a writer! people who know him think he should be a writer too. hehe ;)

another point which makes me feel like i'm a bit like him is our desire to talk to a stranger about our lives. that's why this book is actually a series of his letters to someone who doesn't know him. that's why this blog was created in the first place. because we need to talk to somebody, or at least write it down.  the difference is charlie told everything to the stranger, and i don't really tell everything to this blog, because some of my readers are not strangers. when i was a kid, i always wanted to tell someone about my life, but i didn't want that person to know me. i want people to know my story, without knowing me. i don't want people i know to know what makes me emo. that's why sometimes this blog doesn't make sense, because i intentionally write in a way which doesn't make people understand. when they try to make sense of it, they tend to misunderstand. but writing even ambiguously knocks some sense into me. once i write things down, even if my heart is not at ease, it puts my mind at peace. because my mind is cluttered with words, and usually an empty mind means a free heart, even for a while.

i've felt like this too.

"i made aunt helen a promise to only cry about important things because i would hate to think that crying as much as i do would make crying for aunt helen less than it is."

Charlie's history

he's been to the doctor. yes, that doctor. the doctor for depression. psychologist, psychiatrist. at first, we didn't know why. we only knew that he's not like other people. he easily cries and when he gets upset or mad, his family knows it can't be good. charlie needs to be calmed down. breath, charlie, breath. people at his school didn't know he could be that bad, but once he was, they was dumbfounded. so yes, he was messed up, that we know. but why?

he had an aunt. but his aunt died. he loved his aunt so much, he said she was his favourite people in the world, even after she was gone. he remembered that she was the only one who hugged him. now, that's really sad. his aunt had issues, she was molested as a child, as adult she was abused by her boy friends, and she never could put her life together. charlie just seems to be really affected by his aunt. what happened?

"i walked up to my grandfather and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. he wiped my lip print off with his palm and gave me a look. he doesn't like the boys in the family to touch him. but i'm very glad i did it anyway in case he dies. i never got to do that with my aunt helen"

that later we learned. charlie was born on christmas eve. so he usually got only one present for both occasions: birthday and christmas. his aunt died on chrismas eve. she was in a car accident. he remembered waiting for her to celebrate his birthday, but a police officer came instead, and his mom was crying. his aunt was dead? but that couldn't be. he only talked to her just a while ago. there must be a mistake, it was snowing badly out there, the police made a mistake because he couldn't see clearly. his mom left to identify the body. charlie was so sure that her aunt was still alive. until her mom came back, still crying. that's when he realized it was true; his favourite person in the world was dead. the next thing he knew, he was in a hospital. he couldn't remember anything else, like how badly he reacted after he accepted the truth.

but he also remembered, that before his aunt left, in the driveway before getting in the car, the last time he saw her, she whispered to him "i'm going to buy your birthday present."

yes, her aunt died because of him. it's either that which made him depress every christmas eve, or the sole reason that it's the anniversary of her death. on his birthday.

"that's the last time i ever saw her. i like to think my aunt helen would now have that good job she was studying for. i like to think she would have met  a good man. i like to think she would have lost the weight she always wanted to lose without dieting. despite everything my mom and doctor and dad have said to me about blame, i can't stop thinking what i know. and i know that my aunt helen would still be alive today if she just bought me one present like everybody else. she would be alive if i were born on a day that didn't snow. i would do anything to make this go away. i miss her terribly."

we thought that was all there was to charlie. we were wrong.

this is a coming-of-age story. it is about the transition from adolescence to adulthood. naturally there will be parts about what teenagers do when they feel like being adults. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone who is as innocent as charlie. so, the point is, charlie - after he was about to lose his innocence, which he didn't because he suddenly freaked out and cried for an unknown reason - dreamed of someone doing things to him. that someone was his aunt.

he later realized what happened when he was a little boy, and remembered what he forgot. i guess it's repression, that's what i learned in psychology. it means forgetting something to the point you don't even remember it ever happened, because your unconscious tells you so. because if your conscious is aware about it, it will be bad for you. because it was something bad. it's either that, or he actually didn't know what she was doing to him to register it happened, until he was reminded about it when he already understood what it was. that is why even when he was sixteen, his doctor always asked him about his childhood. he didn't understand why, he always recalled the same thing, and repeated the same thing. nothing new. little that he knew, the doctor was trying to make him remember what he forgot. psychology. hehe. k.

back to the point, that's so effed up.

this was when he discovered the truth :(

just imagine. you really love your aunt. your favourite person in the world. the only one who ever hugged you. the only one who bought you two presents; one for your birthday, another for christmas. when she died you were devastated, that you were diagnosed with depression. it never disappear even when you were a teenager. it shaped your personality, it affected your life. because she died on your birthday for buying your present. because you still love her so much even to this day. then you discover that all the time you spent with her when you were little, the time you loved because she let you stay up late, the time you got to spend with your favourite person, during all that time, she sexually abused you.

that's so effed up.


what would you do with the truth? what would your parents who were unsuspected do? what would your siblings who were untouched do? when someone all of you really love, did something so horrible to you?

write to me, charlie

after reading this page i hope with everything i could that it was not the last page. it would kill me if it was. not knowing what happened to charlie. it would be more real, but then the author would be cursed to death. luckily he could think better. so the next page, in the epilogue, we found out that charlie ended up staying in the hospital again. he finally figured out what's wrong with him.

but charlie got better. probably that was the closure he needed to get better. the most memorable moment in this story to me is probably when he still felt how much he loved his aunt helen for buying him two presents. he didn't blame her, he loved her all the same. and how he still addressed her "my aunt helen" because nothing really has changed, although everything actually has.

"it's like if i blamed my aunt helen, i would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family who fooled around with her when she was little. and the person that fooled around with him. and god for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. and i did do that for a while, but then i just couldn't anymore. because it wasn't going anywhere. it wasn't the point."

charlie is such a beautiful character

book and movie ending.
just read what he wrote. charlie was indeed a beautiful character.

this story is a lot more than that, there are many other things worth noting. like his improved relationship with his sister because he always cared for her no matter whatever. like how his mom was always patient and nice to him when he had a fit and everyone gave up on him. like when his best friend, patrick, who was gay, was going through a hard time and he was always there for him, and when patrick kissed him because he wasn't thinking straight (pun!), charlie just let him, because charlie said that's what friends are for. and many other moments and little things.

this is a coming-of-age story seen from the eye of a teenager but told in a voice of an adult. i really love it. 

you are special even when you don't think you are, and that's okay if others don't think so too. what matters is you do. everyone has to live their own life and then share it with other people. it's not the question of living for other people or keeping to ourselves. care for others, but live for yourself. you can't be a wallflower forever, you have to do things, you have to participate, you have to bloom and grow. you love someone only when their happiness is more important than your own, but not doing anything about the person you love doesn't count as love. it's good to put things in perspective because there other other people who have it worse, but actually the only perspective is to really be there, because it's okay to feel things. even if others have it so much worse. you can blame other people for what happened to you, but the cycle of blame will never end, and you'll end up hating everyone, even god. you can decide what you will make happen instead. life doesn't stop where you want it to, people leave even when you don't want them to, but the moments will all be memories. so hold on to that while other things slip away with time. love people, appreciate them, care for them, and hope they are happy, so do things to make them happy. but make yourself happy too.

thank you charlie. for writing to me.