Not the kind of comeback I'd want

the truth is, i doubt myself a lot now. i have regrets too. i too feel what am i doing with my life, what path have i chosen for myself, how will life go for me like this. but it is not as bad as it was last year i guess, so i don't really care about having this negativity. because i thought i was getting better. how i perceive my choices was getting better, how i accept my consequences had getting better; not necessarily mean that it was i who did better at anything.

maybe i don't want to admit it, because it would be a shame if i was to be exposed as this doubtful young adult, when i was once an adolescent with conviction.

i am the type of person who builds myself on the foundation of dreams, faith and goals - that it is easy to get what i want if i just know. but it is also easy to lose my direction if i lack such destination, that i don't try at all. i don't see the point of doing so if i don't see where i will end up to be. i don't remember if i ever blogged about this, but it was bad - the way i completely lost myself. from the highest perk to rock bottom, going along with life day in and day out, but didn't actually live or wanted to see what life had got.

Money Comes With a Price

when it comes to money, i'm a bit fortunate. i'm blessed with this small ease. i have scholarship money, and money from my dad. i don't have the latter as much as i did, but i have it nonetheless. i'm lucky. luckier than people older than me. but that's maybe because i don't have financial commitment yet, and i haven't screwed up in life to pay for it.

before scholarship money, i lived on parents' money. mama, oh mama she didn't give me belanja bulanan/mingguan where i had to plan my spending or manage my saving, instead she gave me belanja harian in unfixed amount. she always asked if it's enough. she easily gave me money if i asked for it or for buying something. even then i felt privileged, because my friends had to do chores to get extra pocket money or they were expected to be thrifty with the given money.

when i was 11, i bought my first handphone; with my own money. because i so wanted a handphone i told my mom i didn't even want her to pay for it, i just wanted to have it. it took a while of convincing. i showed that i was doing well in school, and i was gonna use my bank saving, and if my life turned upside down after that lol it would be my fault and it wouldn't be her money that i wasted. i think that's the first time i used my money to buy stuff for myself. after that, it became common.

whenever i bought things which costed a lot, i tried to use my own money as much as possible. like handbags, phones, even my car...

mom still gave me daily spending for school. she still insisted on paying for my things if i went shopping. she still asked if i wanted money if i was going out. heck, she still does. even now when i'm all grown up. god why does this make me all teary. this isn't supposed to be a sad post gddmnit!

because i felt guilty, and i knew she didn't need to spend for me, sometimes i just gave her any amount when i had cash in hand. sort of like a payback. i bet it's not even close, but i did that from time to time.  she didn't want it of course. but i said it as my "hutang haritu", or i even went the extra length "mama taknak ayu dapat pahala ke" or a simple "kalau mama tak amik duit ni, haram."

i was still at school then. now of course it's my responsibility. not yet, but i am capable and i tell her if she wants me to get more, she must let me give it to her. i can't do much for you now mama, but this, i can.

the other day my mom told me she felt guilty, implied by "kesian ayu." because she never bought me stuff, so she said. she never bought me presents when i was always crowned the best student (that's only because i told you not to!) she never gave me anything for my thrice straight A's results (apa mama ni, you bought me phone for PMR, it's a surprise pulak tu!) she said "anak orang lain dapat macam-macam kalau result macam ayu. ayu kereta pun beli sendiri. kesian ayu."

it just broke my heart... i never want mama to feel that way.

so i replied, "sebab anak orang lain takde duit. ayu ada. kenapa nak guna duit mama pulak. anak orang lain pun tah-tah lagilah mak bapak tak dapat belikan, lepas tu dorang sendiri pun tak mampu nak beli. ayu patut bersyukur ada duit untuk beli barang sendiri. mama kan salu kasi ayu duit. mama kasi ayu hadiah beday pandora mahal pulak tu!"

when she gave me the pandora bracelet and jewelry set, which was also a surprise, she said it's a cumulative birthday present albeit a bit delayed. hahaha mamaa. because she hadn't given me a birthday present in a long time, she said. she's given me everything and more, why would i demand for a present on a specific day of the year?

but i understand. as a mom it's possible for her to feel that way. she just wants to make me happy. she wants to do what other parents do for their children. but the thing is ma, you're not like other parents. you don't have to be.

i've long made peace with what life could offer if it was different, or in fact if it stayed the same. i've made peace with babah not being here to spoil me like he would love to. come on, life's not that bad on most days. both mama and i know this, but sometimes it crosses our mind and it's not something wrong. i notice now mama mentions it more than she did in the past, and it's heart breaking. she thinks i deserve better and she pities me. worse, when she pities us. i'd just say, if we compare how we are with who we were, it is sad mama. but if we compare how we are now with some other people, we will feel glad. but there's nothing wrong in being sad once in a while, yes? 

just don't let it linger, that's all.

i'm usually the one who has feelings and feel sorry for mama, but i don't like it if she has feelings and feel sorry for me. because i know those feelings, they don't feel good. i'd rather mama not feel anything and let me be the feeler lols.

i'm lucky, i know. i've got so much in this life. but i wonder if i'm given all that so i can give to other people...

i know that's the point. to get is to give. but is it wrong if i feel it's too much?

i tell myself, when they ask too much of me, (maybe) that's because i'll get much in return.

people wouldn't have asked for help if they didn't need it. you're supposed to be glad for the opportunity to help others, even if you feel it's too much, even if you think they should have learnt to help themselves, even if whatever... you should be glad. you're the answer to their prayers. you're blessed and luckier. so help, because you can. as long as you can, it means you at least have it better.

that's what i tell myself.

i have to tell myself that, because it's hard. it's hard to lend a big amount of money, especially if you were told to keep it a secret from your own mom. especially if you know what she'd say if she knew. but i don't want her to feel sorry for me, i don't want her to feel bad about anything, and i don't want to dishonour a secret. but i know if i told her, if i just told her, i might not feel so bad about it. i might not feel bad about keeping a secret from my mom, and i might not feel bad about lending the money. it's between doing things for myself vs for another.

it's between making myself feel better vs making myself feel guilty later. guilty for not keeping the secret as asked of me. i still feel guilty for not telling my mom. but i know it's not necessary. i'm an adult. it's my money. i just have to suck it up and stop crying.

yes, i cry whenever it happens. because i feel so conflicted.

i'm not only conflicted about not telling my mom, but i'm conflicted about lending the money. and i need to ask my mom if i should lend it. i think it's because this time, it's my own money from my own bank account i set up myself. it's not money babah gave me in a bank account he set up for me. it's not like how it used to be. of course i love babah's money, not in a materialistic way, but in a sentimental way. it's what he left for me. i got it out of his kindness anyway so who am i not to share it with others in need? but it didn't feel this difficult even when i had no idea if i'd ever get it back. perhaps because i had no role in having it.

but this time, i got that scholarship money myself, and i saved it. i spend a lot, i splurge, i go on holidays and shopping trips, but i save. i'm pretty good at it if you ask me. sure, i know my friends could certainly save more, but hello, it's me. i'd never saved before. when i told my mom about the money i saved, she was surprised. she asked if i spend too little haha. no mama, i don't know how i feel everything is enough. it's actually more than enough if you just don't spend it on stuff.

so yes, do i wish i didn't have to lend the money? guilty.

and to think it's not even my hard-earned money! i wonder how do people who work day and night and weekend feel when all the rewards of their hard work are gone because other people decide it's a good idea to ask for a loan. i'd say you see now what's your fault? you should have worked as hard. at least, you should have tried. i knew this day would come.

but of course i don't say that.

baru sikit Allah uji. baru duit scholarship, belum salary. dah rasa susah nak bagi. aku harap dengan rasa susah ni, rasa berat hati ni, tapi aku bagi jugak, ada kebaikan untuk aku. ada berkat, ada rahmat. aku dahlah banyak dosa, aku harap Allah ampunkan dosa-dosa aku. aku harap Allah makbulkan doa-doa aku, mudahkan hidup aku, tolong aku. sebab sungguh, aku rasa susah nak tolong kalini. siap menangis bagai. drama. tapi kalau bukan aku yang tolong, siapa lagi?

aku nak tolong diri sendiri, sebab tu aku menyimpan, aku berjimat. lepas ni siapa nak tolong aku?

takpela ama... ada la tu... Allah ada...

it's hard because when i had to give the money, i was left with an amount that wasn't even enough for me to buy my flight ticket. i never waited for jpa's allowance, but at that time, i did. because i needed money. because i had given mine to somebody. yes, i have money in my saving account. but i vowed once the money goes in there, it will go out only when i'm bringing it back to malaysia. and when it's in malaysia, i won't give that part of money to other people.

what's even harder is i'll have to do it again. i guess. how could i say no. and the hardest part, i've never even given my own mom that much with this money i've got in the uk. that hit me the hardest. and i had just planned to save more for my mom, and for myself.

next year is my final year. i need to spend a lot, for stuff to bring back and to bring my mom here insyaallah. i want to spend for it, i don't mind. but i'm worried if i don't have enough, because people owe me. i sure hope they don't take long to pay me back..... i hope Allah helps them to pay me back because i'll be the one who needs help.

where is the limit that says you've done enough, you may stop? where is the line between you should always help and you shouldn't because you should help yourself? or is there none? just close your eyes, give it all and give in to God. He'll have your back. or is that not how it works?

i'm sorry. i needed to let all this out.

The Surge

I'm having homesick surge right now... all of a sudden.

not really, i've been having the feeling of wanting to go back home for a month or two now. just to go back home and see my mom. just to see my mom. just that. i don't know why and i can only pray that because it can't happen now, and if it won't happen sooner, it will happen later when the time comes. i just want to see my mom.

have a chat, bake and cook together, listen to her talking, just chill in front of the tv, me taking her out anywhere for a meal. the simple things we always do. at least to see her all alright, that would be enough. been feeling that for a while now, but tonight it's waterworks and all.

i really can't afford to be homesick right now, i have a deadline to catch.

i hope it's all hormones and tomorrow it will be gone.

A New Kind of Sad (maybe an old person kind of sad)

Don't ask why i'm still not asleep.

and also, don't ask why i was looking at my blog posts from 6 years back. I just scrolled through them, not wanting to read any. I saw pictures. pictures of myself, pictures of people.

but among all pictures - like the ones when i had my dream bod loool but laughable face lololol - the pictures which evoked the most emotions were of my nephew, ikmal. or known as malmal, here, some years ago. malmal was popular on this blog :')

it has been years since i put on his photos. because he's a big boy now. he's already in school. the bigger he gets, the more different he becomes. not the chubby boy i used to gomol all the time. when he was little he was so bubbly, babbling with his ayu, now he's shy and hard to talk to. we were close. now it's hard for me to get him to talk, for anyone even. i admit i started paying less attention to him, and more to his little brothers. i feel so bad now. ayu has grown up too, apparently malmal, because ayu feels so bad for not treating you like she used to. but hey! you used to love me too!

ayu and opah always wonder what happened to you, because when you knew no word to say, you talked a lot. but now keep all your words in your mouth. is it because you were silent by kewan? is it because you have nobody at home to be your conversation buddy? ayah always complains about how you're so quiet, he must be worried. like me and opah. i have videos of you talking when you couldn't even talk you know...

now ayu gonna cry.

does ayu feel guilty? perhaps ayu should have talked to you more the few times she saw you, and should not have spent all her time playing with her new, bubbly, babbling, chubby nephews - your brothers. maybe if i did that you wouldn't have been so estranged with me... you liked me a lot you even slept with me, and cried whenever we had to part again, remember? but oh well, i didn't see you that much to make an impact did i... nonetheless maybe you would have liked it if i started some conversations with you. maybe i could - should - have done something differently.

i also feel sad, because seeing a kid's photos when they were little, and comparing it to who they are now.. so big and so different, makes me feel so sentimental... how much i loved them at that time, and now that they are big and different, i am indifferent... and somehow i think this is what my brothers must feel when they look at pictures of baby me. they used to cradle me, rock me in their arms, rush back from school to see me, talk to me on the telephone, write me letters, send me presents... they used to love me like that. 

and now, not anymore. none of that. i don't mind, honest. it's just sad, if this is what they feel every time they look at my old pictures, grin and say "you used to be cute." now we don't even talk like we must have done a long time ago. like i don't talk to ikmal anymore the way i once did. 

is it my fault too?

i've started to make efforts though... maybe that's just the way it is. and nothing is wrong with that.

but oh well, chances are they have never thought about any of this. because, well. guys.


and i should sleep.

What's Down, Ama

Hai. weird isn't it when i don't blog now, because i should have many things to blog about, being overseas and all. i'm sorry bloggy :(

it makes me sad thinking that i don't write anymore. i don't even blog like i used to. it makes me sadder to think that i might never write like i wanted to. what happened to that passionate, inspired girl? i kind of lost all the passions and inspirations i once had. for everything. somebody help me. but i know nobody has to. they can't. i can, but i can't. what happened to the dreamer? i feel like a loser on daily basis.

i feel like i slowly wither away. all of what i could have been, wilted and swept by the wind.

oh, to write about that and how i am bothered by it, would be such a good start. but i have a psychology literature review due in a few days and i haven't started doing it. have been doing research to put off doing the actual work. talk about not being passionate and inspired. do you know how much trouble i'd be in if i were to put it off any longer? 

hence i shall not.

baibai.

What a feeling

Don wanna talk about it.

Cos when talking about it doesn't help me feel any better, it makes me feel worse instead. That's bad because people want to help and you wish they could too, but sometimes they cant. It will only let you and me and everybody down.

Talking about it also makes me feel stupid. And vulnerable. And ridiculous. And typical. Which is just as bad. I blame biological factors. It's getting worse lately. Pls dont blame me.

So im gonna ignore it in front of people and not indulge in it with anyone else knowing. Build glass walls and halfway bridges. You can see but you cant come in. You can come closer but not too close.

It will pass. Im gonna be ok.

Why am i here

Oh i hate myself so much right now. I know it is a petty complain. I know i'm to be blamed. I know it's all up to me. Yet i'm still so down under. I can't bring myself up. I can't get my shit together.

I break down - it goes for both crying and not functioning. It's like i lost all the motivations i've ever had. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm embarrassed with other people. It's actually that simple therefore i'm the biggest loser in the world. Only i can help myself and i can't, then nobody else can.

Where the hell did that girl go?

Flying Off #3: Flying Off, Finally

Dah 6 bulan lebih dah aku kat uk. ada eloknya kalau aku sambung cerita pasal fly tu. hahahaha.

so we've reached the climax! the day itself!

the day was, hectic. hectic. hectic. done? yeah, hectic. i spent my last morning till afternoon in malaysia, not at home. but out and about. settled some last minute business. bought some things. met and called some people. then upon parking my car for the last time, feeling both sad and grateful, i said goodbye. see you in one year time. be good. i love you. don't let ateh sell you. scream in case of danger.

once i was finally at home i had to do final packing. yes, i'd been procrastinating. but it wasn't totally my fault! i did start early with the shopping..... hehehe. and a few days earlier i'd already started packing..... it was the finalizing on the day itself and cramming stuffs to every possible centimeter which made it really stressful :'( it was not my fault there were too many things to bring. i was moving to another country for god's sake. i had to dump most of them anyway. the bags were heavy as hell i had no idea how i'd handle it alone :'( serabut tau :'(

there was a friend of babah who wanted to see me. she was kinda his best friend and she likes to tell me about mama and babah's love story. i felt so sorry for her. i feel so sad now thinking about it. she asked me to go to her house, but i had my hands full, and honestly i couldn't be bothered. i felt bad but i wished she would understand i couldn't see her that day. i was so, so, sorry but i just couldn't. my mom and brothers kept telling me about it but i really didn't want to go because i didn't have enough time! she couldn't come on her own because her husband who always drove her around had died not even a year ago and her children were busy :""(

so she came to my house with a cab T____T she's old T_T i felt like such a bad person. still do T_T she brought food and fruits and cookies T_T she cooked babah's favourite lauk for me and this ungrateful girl can't even remember what it was. i think it was masak lemak telur itik. she said babah nurul suka ni T_T i only had a little of it because i was eating my mom's chicken rice rushingly T_T i couldn't even eat my mom's own cooking with my mom for the last time T___T and i didn't even eat the fruits which might have been langsat and the cookies which might have been tart nenas T__T she said i could eat the fruits when i was at the airport and i could bring the cookies to uk but i had not much time at the airport and no empty space in the bags T_T i'm so sorry auntie T_T i'll remember your advice on not giving hope to guys lol and your story about your niece because some guys are psychos T_T i hope i'll see you this raya. i wouldn't even mind if you sembang lama and cium me banyak kali this time T_T guise, i'm seriously sad guise.

bukan hanya beliau yang datang ke rumah waktu genting begini. mungkin orang ingat aku dah siap packing tinggal bergolek goyang kaki je kot. kalau aku la, aku mesti call tanya dulu, tengah tunggang langgang ke tenang tu. kami nak datang babai ni. tu kalau aku laaa, tapi ni orang lain.

masa tu aku nak makan pastu mandi. aku turun, rilek dengan towel di bahu dan tiada tudung di kepala. dah sampai bawah... ADA SEPUPU LAKI. terus lari naik atas. terus mandi je. ADA ORANG KOT NAMPAK AKU TENGAH TURUN, DAH KENAPA TAK BERSUARA CAKAP ADA TETAMU?! NI YG AKU NAK MENGAMUK KAN. gua dah la stress, lapar, sedih. niat nak makan tergendala. mana la tak emo berganda-ganda.

dah habis emo diam-diam, terus bersiap lah head to toe. turunlah aku dengan senyuman :) minta maaf sebab sibuk, takde masa nak diluang bersama. sesusah je datang, terima kasih. ye baik, aku jaga diri. doakanla tak lupa daratan ke apa. hm ye, ye.

memang kejap je pun jumpa dorang, pastu dorang balik. kawan babah tu ada lagi, kesian sebab takde sape nak ambik dia balik kot omg sambung nangis T_T sibukla dia dok cedok lauk dia tu bagi aku rasa masa aku makan nasi ayam mak aku. ma, ma taknak duduk makan dengan ayu ke T_T mama tak makan pun, mama duduk teman jap je T_T pastu auntie pun balik. tenang seminit. siap makan. terus bertolak. babai.

babai sayang, awak tak ikut hantar ayu. rindu comel gemuk kebal tebal ni. suka senyum sesaje. mengada tau. awak tak ingat ayu dah. awak dah besar. pasni jumpa air liur mesti dah busuk.

dalam kete, aku duduk belakang dengan mama. diam je. diam sebab nangis hahah. bersyukur pergi airport dengan uda bukan abang lain yg bawak anak bini sama. kalau tak celah mana aku nak nyorok nanges ni. taktaula uda sedar tak paham tak pehal diam je kat belakang tu. takde teresak-esak sroih sroih pun. menangis yg air mata mengalir tak benti, mama je saksi. peluk la puas-puas, pegang tangan taknak lepas. masa tu baru rasa, sebab takde distraction pape. just me in the car, on the way to the new destination. just me, the reality and feelings. 

nak fly dah?

nak tinggalkan rumah? tinggalkan malaysia? tinggalkan mama?

paling lama pernah tinggalkan? lama gila takkan jumpa?

Allah tolong jagakan...

dah sampai airport, kabut balik. hilang dah sedih. takpe puas dah nangis tadi. kita sambung rasa cuak kalau beg ni terlebih berat dan padat, lalu aktiviti memunggah keluar barang diteruskan. sampai je, terus keluarkan barang dalam beg besar yg nak check in, dalam kete gak kat depan pintu tu lol. lepas beg besar dah check in, rombak semula beg-beg kecik cabin dalam airport. ha bilanya aku nak lek. pastu abang-abang aku yang lain pun sampai lambat. biasa dah.

sedih jugak, sebab tak dapat nikmati saat terakhir elok-elok. mama mesti stress tengok aku stress. serius aku dapat rilek bila dah lepas solat maghrib. masa tu beg semua settle akhirnya. tinggal aku je nak settle ni, sob.

masa aku tengah kabut-kabut tadi, ada kawan yang call la yang message la. aku tak sempat nak layan, jadi aku tak layan hahaha. tapi si hazirah ni, sibuk message awak kat mana awak kat mana. dah la tak datang hantar aku, tanya lagi buatpe?! kat airport la! yang aku tau nak datang hantar aku sorang je. omar dengan kamil memula kata nak datang, pastu cakap tak jadi. tapi tetiba omar ke kamil tah message cakap farabi tanya aku katne. dah kenapa kau yg tanyakan untuk dia?

aku takde hal kalau orang tak datang. selama ni aku bayangkan bila aku fly aku memang taknak sesapa ada. gua tak touching orang tak hantar la apa la. lagi bagus takde korang tengok aku emo hahah. hantar ni semua bukan apa-apa. takpe. i know yall love me anyway. hahakz.

(ok la ada sekali touching. sebab hajer tak datang, pastu orang yang nak datang tu kengkonon taktau jadi datang ke tak. saje memain dia ni. kau bebetul la, kalau tak datang cakap tak datang. biar aku dah terima awal2 kau takkan ada. macam hazirah. walaupun taknak dorang berdua ada pun, malam masa mengemas tu takleh elak dari rasa sobsob sikit)

masa tu pun aku tengah on the phone lagi, mana la nak reply orang message bagai. hidup aku kan drama sikit, jadi baiklah aku call sedara yang macam ada touching dengan aku hahaha. lepas tu, tetiba hazirah call. dia tanya awak kat mana, awak, awak, awak kat mana???

kat airport la!

dia tanya yela, dalam airport katne?!

sumpah pelik, tapi layankan jela. kat belakang sekali ada pentas, kat situla kat depan tu. tetiba je dengar orang jerit "amaaa!!" pusing je nampak haz dengan wani berlari tercungap-cungap. aku pun jerit aaaaaahhhh pastu peluk gelak-gelak hahhahha.

korang ni gila la!

memang seprais! tak sangkaaa. masa haz message tanya siap call lagi beriya bunyi kabut sikit, aku tak syak pape langsung. tetiba je ada depan mata. dorang cakap dari jauh dorang nampak budak tudung putih cakap kat fon dari belakang, dorang tau tu aku :")

faham tak perasaan kena seprais when you least expect it?!

yang sampai dulu farabi dengan omar, pastu baru bebudak perempuan ni. muar pun ada, muar kawan mrsm hazirah, tapi dah jadi kawan kepada semua kawan sekolah hazirah haha. kamil datang bawak girlfriend. ni kes takut orang fikir lain ke apa. sebab masa dia cakap nak hantar aku dekat whatsapp kelas, dak laki dah ejek-ejek dah lol. u guise pls move on. aku ada terfikir tah-tah sebab tu dia tak jadi hantar hahaha and omar pun cakap tak jadi datang. last-last dorang sume ada :')

with haz and wani, and my puffy eyes from crying in the car.

the last time i saw wani before that was two days earlier. she came over to my house to give me a farewell gift: a grey top. it's just so me! the style, the colour and even the size. as though she purposely bought one which would be suitable for uk weather. thick cotton and high neckline hehe. at that time, she said it wasn't gonna be the last time she saw me :')

muka berjaya buat seprais

of course i believed she wasn't gonna come because she couldn't. we'd said our goodbyes, even though it wasn't grand. we were never much of a suwit suwit pair of best friends anyway. sometimes only. we show it in our own ways haha. so you're not gonna send me off like other people's best friends? too bad, but alright then. later on haz told me no way she was gonna miss it. sebab lepas pergi uk, dalam wishlist dia ialah hantar aku pergi uk. awww. dahla sebelum tu siap insta gambar kitorang dengan caption "there must be a way". she found her way :')

omar, kamil and farabi. dak laki yang aku jarang sembang tapi suka kawan bila jumpa.

sebab dak laki lain macam.... hahah k. dorang ni aku tak kisah datang beraya siap habiskan kuih raya kat rumah pun. memang buat macam rumah sendiri ye, pandai bawak diri cari balang lebih yang tersimpan rapi...

jumpa jap je lepas dorang sampai, pastu kena naik atas pentas berkumpul. lama jugak, hazirah siap message apa aku buat atas tu hahah. dengar briefing, dapat pins pakai kat blazer (supaya orang tau kami students from malaysia under jpa. ada priviligenya k, macam longgar sikit security and takyah beratur lelama), baca doa. lepas turun pentas, ada beberapa minit je dengan keluarga dan sahabat handai.

selfie2, peluk2, babai. aku cam rushing jugakla. salam pun takde fefeeling. last sekali peluk dengan mama lama cium banyak kali, tapi takde nak babak air mata ayat drama ke apa. aku cam ok babai semua ha dia panggil dah kena gi sana kbyeee. lol. but seriously.

masa aku pergi beratur nak turun tu pun, kengkawan je ikut. family stay depan pentas at the same spot sebab nanti boleh tengok dari atas kot. kengkawan pun tak ikut sampai hujung, tetiba je dorang dah takde. and i was all alone. with people in tears and red faces. aku je krik krik. tenang. sempat lagi tanya orang belakang "awak ok?"

pastu turun.

masa kat escalator dah nampak di kejauhan keluargaku melambai dan memanggil :')

dah sampai bawah baru nampak kengkawan yang terlindung sikit :')

masa tu la baru nak kenal kengkawan baru hahah. serius, aku kira fly solo ni. ada yang aku kenal, tapi kenal nama je. ada baru kenal kat btn. ada gak baru kenal masa kat bawah tu. kenal muka je selama ni tapi masa tu baru tanya nama. the three of us sticked together throughout our journey to sheffield. to a new faraway land with new friends. kitorang ni geng takde geng lol and we acknowledged and embraced it! balik mesia nanti pun sesama hahah. ok tak sabar sob sob.

kitorang paling ramai. 60 orang fly serentak satu malam. memang meriah sangat airport malam tu. 

that's my family up there

orang atas semua memanggil-manggil nama, jerit, lambai. dah kata, airport malam tu bukan je meriah, tapi panas and bising! :')

then it's time to go.

that's me second at the front

so that's that. the last time i saw my family and my friends. i waved at my family to the last glimpse because they were near the last place we walked to before we completely disappeared from view.

dah duduk dalam flight, barula boleh bukak fon. baca semua pesanan. bukak hadiah. dan nangis. ha baru tau sedih. sedih baca apa orang tulis. sedih fikir apa yang kita tinggalkan. sedih terharu, sedih sayang, sedih sedih. sedih semualah. masa flight dah gelap sebab dah nak naik tu, lagila makin mencurah air mata aku. ni lagi sekali nangis yang diam takde bunyi langsung, tapi air mata mengalir tak benti. terutama masa tengah naik tu. nampak muka orang-orang yang aku sayang. yang takkan jumpa untuk beberapa lama. ingat mama. doa, doa, doa. cakap dekat diri sendiri dalam hati. cakap dekat Allah.

"this is it. this is the time you've been waiting for. for years. after everything. this is it. you're flying."

teringat segala benda yang jadi dalam hidup ni, untuk sampai ke detik tu.

aku duduk sebelah dua orang putih. nasib baik. takdela budak-budak lain nampak aku camne masa tu. takde la orang nak tenangkanla usap-usapla. no. biar sahaja aku sendiriii

i was glad i didn't cry saying goodbye. i expected myself to cry. but i didn't, because i had cried earlier, and then cried later, and i guess i was just too busy with the surrounding - taking pictures and talking, even after i was not busy with bags anymore - so i didn't get to focus on the situation. i was so cool in front of everyone. i'd like people to remember me that way. but at the same time know that i care :)

the card came with wani's top, and the rest in melah's survival kit for me

 hazirah knew i needed this, k. and hazirah knew i'd love everything pink!

and another surprise. i opened the box before boarding the plane. but read the note on the plane. hence the feelings. cis. pandai ek first attempt. surprise because this was the second farewell gift! the first one consisted of food and topup hahaha

all that and these three were what i brought with me to uk.

of course, i brought along those i love with me in my heart. it feels a bit heavy to leave, but it makes my heart big. and happy, even when i'm faraway and alone :)

C1!!!

Thanks korang sbb buat seprais tetiba datang :") you came to say goodbye to me but i'm sorry if i didn't say it properly :'( ada yang sedih katanya sebab lepas ama turun ama tak pandang pun. i'm really sorry, i didn't know what to do with you guys up there so i just waved and left... i wish we had better goodbyes. but trust me i reaaally appreciate it. terharu gila k jejauh datang, ada yang pepetang naik public transport, drive meredah kesesakan lalu lintas sume sampai ponteng kelas pun ada hm :")

Enam bulan yg lepas, stress sbb macam2 hal. Patutnya hari terakhir kat tanah air terchenta nak la tenang sikit. Tapi bagusla, sibuk sampai tak sempat nak sedih. Kat airport pun kabut dgn bag. Lepas settle semuanya, tak terasa lagi sbb family mmg ramai, tetiba kawan2 pun ada. Sibuk berpeluk bergambar pulak. Terima kasih jadi sweet surprise pleasant distraction gitu, walaupun memula aku ckp takyah datang kat sesapa :') 

It was a day i've probably daydreamt about since forever. Still seems surreal that i'm here. There were the stage, the students all in the same attire. Just like i imagined. But it was better, because it happened. Alhamdulillah. What did i feel when i was down there looking up at all the people above - the family and friends of 60 of us, calling, waving, cheering? I felt relieved. I'm not sure what exactly being happy is, but i wasn't sad. A good kind of sad, at least. 

At the end of it, there was a round of applause. It's a feeling i will never forget. The journey just began, but it felt like a pat on the back. 

So dream, because you can do it :)

p/s: yes i've lost a few pounds since i arrived. that was a fatter than usual me. not looking my best but that's alright, i did feel my best :'D

Homesick in Sheffield

Dah kenapa tetiba homesick ni...

Tetiba sangat tau. First time. Ingatkan dapatla kata at least setengah tahun di perantauan tanpa homesick. Tapi tak kesampaian. Pernah jugak sekali terindu tapi tak sampai macam ni, mungkin sebab tak berkesempatan nak layan perasaan. Orang hepi kat airport, dalam flight nak gi turkey, masa tu la aku nak rindu mama. Mama suka jenjalan kat airport tengok apa ada. Kalau naik flight dengan mama mesti best. Ah sudah, terpaksa tahan terkebil-kebil.

Sebab tu la malas rindu-rindu ni. Payah. Biasanya takde perasaan je. Memang default mode aku dekat uk: tak rasa pape. Tengok orang lain rindu la homesick la apa la, aku macam... Lek je. Sekali tak lek, camni terus.

Sedih tak pepasal malam ni. Takde hujan takde ribut. Sedih sangat kenapa tah, haih. Puncanya tetiba je teringat dulu selalu drama dekat rumah. Lepas tu terkenang la pulak mama je yang ada untuk aku. Tempat menangis, tempat bergantung. Tempat mengadu. Ha pastu habis ah. Sampai sekarang tak reda lagi ni. Fiuuu fiuuu.

Mama jela satu-satunya yang pernah tengok aku seteruk-teruknya. Aku yang sedih dan menyedihkan. Mama takleh buat apa-apa, mungkin jugak taktau nak buat apa. Mama tak reti pujuk-pujuk ni. Mama kan bukan jenis berperasaan macam aku. Tapi ada dia je cukup, walaupun dia takleh ubah apa-apa. Dia duduk teman aku dalam bilik. Bila dia cakap sikit-sikit, tu pun dah rasa lebih dari cukup, tu pun rasa terubat sikit. "takpe...", "biar je"... Mana boleh takpe, takleh la biar, tapi sebab ada mama..... Ok T_T bila dia tepuk-tepuk, usap-usap, alihkan rambut, lap air mata tu lagi laaa T____T k kenapa aku buat diri sendiri camni ya Allah T_T

Rindu mama..... Masa call semalam dah rasa rindu semacam. Biasa call sembang je takde pun rasa-rasa ni. I don't like this :(

Ni belum ada problem lagi... Kalau ada problem lagi la teruk homesick nanti macam zaman kegelapan kat intec dulu. Nauzubillah. I try to live as drama-free as possible, even if it means keeping a distance from people. Dulu boleh gak lari balik rumah. Sekarang ni cakap kat fon pun connection takde la line tak clear la.

Harap apa yang dikeluarkan ni tak masuk balik dalam kepala. Harap esok bila bangun, kembali menjadi tiada perasaan. Harap semua ok je.

Mama nanti ayu balik tau. Sementara ni, doa jelah. Allah je boleh jaga. Jauhnya... :'(

When feeling bad is good

Suddenly i feel bad, but maybe i should. I'm not doing what i should be doing here in uk. I'm a scholar and a scholar shouldn't be a lazyass. I'm already here. Allah has given me everything, i have left my mom for this, people have paid for my studies... And what have i been doing all this time? I'm so ashamed of myself. If only the world knew they'd say i don't deserve it. I never overestimate myself or undermine anything, this is just how i am :'( Sedih sangat... Bila rasa bersyukur tu memang tak pernah habis tapi gaya macam tak bersyukur langsung. Thank you for giving me a wake up call without you knowing. Even though rasa macam ditampar hahaha. That's my conscience, see. The pits of being guilty. If i feel it, i feel it, nobody has to blame me. All it takes is something seemingly small or even unintended, to be said. To bring out the guilt in me. Or maybe it depends on who saying it since this never happened before, i don't know. How long will this epiphany stay, i have no idea. But it feels bad, and it's good :(

Dates To Forget

ctrl + click, click, click



14.1.2014

i make myself alone before people make me feel lonely.


23.1.2014

Solitary is better than isolation. At least you choose it. Even when your choice is the only option left.


20.2.2014

"Things change. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here."

Spare your care, save your tears. Know your place and nothing will go to waste. Know your place.


18.4.2014

today might not be like how you'd like it to be, but one day it may become a memory. so wake up, move along, carry on.


19.4.2014

Nobody knows what happens behind close doors.


21.4.2014

if you ask me now what do i really want? to just get it done and get out of here. leave this place, so long everyone else. it's easy to leave when there's much to heal and not much to miss

everyone was happy, and then there's me.

"ama, you lose one, you gain one." i know. but i dont like to lose things... or people. not like this at least. not for this reason.

keeping things inside is exhausting. appearing okay is not effortless.

i'm sorry if things are not okay. maybe some things aren't meant to be okay the way we hoped it would.

i always said bad times and places are bearable with good friends. then Allah wants to teach me a lesson. i learn that friends are a variable more unstable than i thought it was. your constant is always going to be only you, and God. remember this, before He reminds you through a test when nothing else is left. except Him.

when i was alone then, it's a choice. now, it's forced.

21.4.2014

Where i feel the most friendless is also where i experience friendship the deepest.


22.4.2014

i'll never forget the smirk on your face and the words you spit when insults were disguised as advice.


24.4.2014

i thought i knew people. i thought people knew me. it turns out we we wrong about each other.

God gives me tests when i'm about to sit for the most crucial exam. i dont want to think about things but i have to. what do i want? to just get it done and get out of here.


24.4.2014

God is testing me with trivial matters with temporary consequences when an important exam with permanent results is approaching.

But i believe in barakah. So everything is essential and i can't escape anything.


25.4.2014

When husnudzon is returned with hypocrisy. Patience is returned with pretense. Trust is returned with treachery.

We turn to Allah.

The moment when you can't even speak your prayers, you just feel it. You realize you're not even praying, but thinking of The All-Knowing. Because at that moment that's all you can do, and in the end He's all you have.


26.4.2014

when something happens to me, i think of anything i did to deserve it. if i deserve it, i pray to god to help the people i wronged to forgive me. but if i don't deserve it, i pray to god to help me forgive them.

when people hurt me, i keep justifying for them, reasoning their mistake, when they easily judge me for a mistake they easily believe to be mine. why? maybe denying is better than doubting. maybe the truth hurts and excuses give more comfort.


26.4.2014

ok enough. dry your tears, numb your fears, deafen your ears. keep your heart in a box, put your head in the game. get your shit together. what hurts now is nothing compared to what will hurt later.

"no matter how you feel, GET UP, DRESS UP, SHOW UP and never give up." be cool and look okay. cos baby, that's my forte.


30.4.2014

Falling out of place in the end is worse than feeling out of place in the beginning.

I've locked it in, and i won't let it out. Break down, then chin up. Because once you put on a mask, it's an easy task.


9.5.2014

just because i don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't trouble me. i just don't tell people things, let alone talk about people, to other people.

9.5.2014

Remind me why did i bother when i already knew nobody did?

Pretending to care is better than appearing not to give a shit. It's not an act. It's only tact.

At least have some decency to show acknowledgement even when we don't feel any appreciation, even if we really couldn't care less.

13.5.2014

a friend who is friend with you halfheartedly is better than a friend who is two-faced.


17.5.2014

the first time it happened i literally packed my bags and left. this time is not as brutal, but the betrayal i felt, my god, the betrayal.


22.5.2014

can i tell my best friend but i wont say names
nope
can i tell my mom but i wont say names
nope
ok i guess i'll take it to my grave.

thats how i deal with people's secrets, especially the serious ones.

to outsiders what should be done might be obvious but to one involved, not so much. because often things are more complicated than they seem and there's so much more to it than you know. so when someone tells you something, you have no right to tell other people about it. even if you mean it well. you dont know what damage you'll cause, whose heart you'll hurt.


24.5.2014

Telling people about your problems with other people doesn't validate your side of the story and doesn't victimize yourself. If anything, it tells them more about you than the people you talk about.

Expressing your emotions and backbiting are two different things.


25.5.2014

i wouldn't trust anyone who tells me other people's secrets.

yeah it's interesting to listen to, but should you be telling me this?

if they tell you the super top secrets of other people, why would you think you're any exception?


25.5.2014

from as far as you can remember, you've always known not to easily trust anybody.

but then sometimes you think oh it's actually nice letting people in, opening up, it feels good to have somebody to trust. there must be some exception!

nope. there hardly is any.

but it's the same cycle. don't trust. trust. oh shouldn't have trusted. never trust again. but maybe it's ok to trust this time. oops i did it again.

uh it never ends. but now it must.


26.5.2014

i am all lost and i lost it all.


3.6.2014

I say it's my choice - i choose the only choice i have.


5.6.2014

if i were you i wouldn't easily believe everything people tell me. this is not bersangka buruk that they are lying, this is bersangka baik that there's a misunderstanding. how can you judge anything without being the one facing it, feeling it, or at least listening to every side, knowing the whole story?


5.6.2014

it's not the thing that was done. it's the trust that was broken. the betrayal felt.


5.6.2014

when you don't belong, you will be lost. you want to be lost.


5.6.2014

i thought i was already numb. but i still succumbed.


5.6.2014

you're dealing with somebody who took at least 5 years before calling a girl her best friend and would want to be with a guy for at least 7 years before marrying him.

i don't throw labels around. at least not easily. because labels are misleading. because labels don't always stay true to the meaning. because labels aren't permanent. what i call you is not as important as what i feel for you. what i don't declare doesn't invalidate how i act and what i do. we know what we know and ain't that enough? of course, with commitment and consistency if not certainty? all these labels are what usually cause a mess in the first place. even without it, things are messy enough.

nobody owns me and i don't own anybody. not even my best friend. so you are free, as i sure should be. we all can be friend with anybody, we all can be with anybody, we all can be anybody. and we all can also not be what we used to be.


6.6.2014

I retreat, i hide, i don't tell anybody anything, i don't feel like talking, but i realize once somebody needs to talk to me, that's when i'll go out of my hiding. I'll be there.


6.6.2014

i usually don't tell people what happens between me and other people. break my heart? betray me? bitch about me? lie to me? lie about me?

i could, as venting. i should, as warning. but i wouldn't. for many reasons.

i think i might deserve it. i feel i am the bad guy. it might be my fault. i make excuses for them. i justify for them. i take it as a lesson. i myself make mistakes so i won't make a fuss about the mistakes of others. i feel guilty to talk about them. i'm worried if i end up backbiting them. and above all else, i assume they wouldn't do the same thing to me.

how disappointing, how sad, and how heart-and-trust-breaking to know that i was wrong.


6.6.2014

Choosing to be alone is better than being forced to feel alone.

16.6.2014

I've always been someone who treasures good times to make good memories. I even become sentimental as the memories are being made, at the time it's happening because reminiscing it is something i anticipate.

But i know life ain't always about the good things. Whenever i realize this, that i don't belong to a moment or a place, i tell myself "maybe i've had enough in the past, or i'll have more in the future. it's other people's turn and i have mine. just not now, not here."

It's not always easy, but i tell myself it's okay. Just make the best of what i have left.


27.6.2014

You thought you know people and people know you, untill stories from all sides start spilling. then there's some who think they know enough when they don't at all, just because they know you virtually, or the version of you with the wall.

That person you say with emotional issues? There's more they keep inside than what they show, you don't know their lives so stop saying you know their flaw. That person you see with attitude problem? They're the ones who love the most, the most honest in their harshness, you don't see their heart but it is the softest.

Even if you know people, you don't really know them, and they you. In this case, i'd rather have emotional issues than a rotten heart, and a friend with attitude problem than one with two-faced pretense.


13.7.2014

it's better to be the bad guy. because it's easier to deal with what you do than to wonder how could this happen to you. it's harder to be hurt.

let me do the hurting because i don't want to be the victim. let me be the bad guy because i don't want to be victimized.

but apparently, plot twists shock even the 'antagonist'.

i wouldn't do that to you, why did you do that to me?

i just feel so hurt and betrayed. these were the ones i trusted.

 delete

Trial Over Trouble But Now Trial Is Over So Trouble Over Trial?

so today's the end of the one week break i gave myself. and tomorrow's the start of being serious. insyaallah..... by serious i mean going back to class and getting trial result....... and study...... insyaallah..... lol. if i start studying for real now one month and two weeks before the real alevel trial, this is really the start of the new ama. hopefully. never been seen before. insya- no, no more insyaallah. but bismillah! cey.

how was trial? hmm let see. i happen to know a few people here with dramas. nearing the exam week, their episodic events of conflicts seemed to be reaching the climax. among the episodes was one when somebody asked to see me, and upon seeing me cried on my shoulder for like 10 minutes, or less, or more. upon completing the crying session, that person wiped their eyes, and said, "dah." and i said, "ok."

that's not the first time for the record.

people were stressed out because of their own dramas and other people's dramas which they had to deal with by listening to lengthy details not concerning their lives or by directly getting involved in it. then i had to listen to them being stressed out about listening to other people's problems, which was kinda ironic, but i didn't mind, so i kept listening. as long as you don't drag me into your shit, it's fine. nope, not this time. other time can, this time cannot. trial for god's sake weh trial alevel!!!

they were so 'trouble over trial'. they were troubling people with their troubles, people who only wanted to be troubled by trial. so i told them "put off your problems. tell them to put off their problems. until after trial. just for these two weeks. pause. then have the world war III all you want i couldn't care less and in fact, i'd even be there."

but then, lalala, the night before trial started, i had to deal with a little complication of my own.

i was called a bitch. my reaction? i was surprised. seriouslyyy did that just happen? so i asked "what is your problem?" maybe i laughed a little. because it felt funny. i had never been called a bitch. not that i know of, lol. so that kinda added up to life experience, haha. and maybe because being called a B didn't bother me as much as something else i found out about that night did. that did bother me that being called a bitch was a comic relief. seriously i was just surprised and not angry at all. i didn't deserve to be called as such i'd say. but i understand the situation and the reason. so i was okay.

i ended up having to tell myself what i told people: put off your problem. trial over trouble.

be cool. act normal. about that thing that bothered me, i decided to put it off until after trial. but now i've decided to put it on hold until after alevel. which i think i wouldn't even bring up later on. but if i do, it's out of having to let it off my chest, and not because of being mad and causing world wars or things like that.

on the whiteboard in the class where we put our stuffs during exam. i didn't know who did this but i know it's not anyone from my class. and my class is the only class taking full psychology alevel. the other two/three classes only took half the subject. and already you said it's susah nok harom! hahahaha who said psycho is easy who said?! i feel proud lol. 

that's the story of the sunday before the first week of exam. this is the story of the sunday before the second week of exam. i don't even, whatever. luckily it all happened on sundays, haha.

after it happened i already wrote something about it, but i lost what i wrote. must have deleted it by accident. ok i typed it fine. i have bad handwriting okay. so can't copy paste it here. yeah i'm gonna blog about something old and the feeling is not gonna be fresh. but oh well. yeah i cheat, i sometimes i write things somewhere else first after it happens before blogging them. like i said, i never stop writing.

okay what happened was... i woke up sunday morning. grabbed my phone, as usual. i received a very long text. one of an apology. i literally just open my eyelids and the bright screen was blinding in the dark and i had to take time to digest what's going on. then i got it. i smiled. then i performed subuh. and i cried.

then i felt mad.

you don't get to make me feel shitty and send an apology. you don't get to make me sad then say sorry. you don't get to be the reason why i was unhappy, then having to cope with these changes, then when i've accepted it months later you said you miss me. i miss you too. but that doesn't make up for it at all.

you don't get to leave and then come back. nobody gets to do that to me. nobody.

you want to hug me? i feel like punching you instead for what you put me through.

no, i don't want to be rational now although i am one of the most rational people i know. i want to let it out. i want to let it go. it's not about me not doing it too and being ego. this is about you. i appreciate you making the first step but this is not about giving you praise. this is about you letting months pass. you have no idea what i felt whatsoever. because you didn't want to listen when i tried to tell you.

i've accepted my place, i've adapted to change, and i think things will never be the same.

it will be awkward and weird. and just. different.

there.

i don't know if i felt this because it still hurts, or because i was just still mad or sad.

there's a difference.

about one week after i blog about being unhappy, i stopped being unhappy.

one day, you just stop feeling sad.

you start being mad.

being mad is better than feeling sad.

then one day, you stop being mad.

you stop feeling anything.

that's the best kind of being.

i really felt better. i didn't give a shit. and it felt good. but receiving that text, reminds me of feeling shitty.

okay. i don't know if what i wrote earlier is any similar to this. however. what i wrote that sunday, i wrote before going to sleep that night, or going back to sleep that day. i don't remember. but what i remember was i had a dream right after writing it. weird dream. about what i had not dreamt in a long time. it had nothing to do with what i wrote. it was a dream about a different subject. but maybe... the same theme.

i remembered having that dream only after one hour of waking up. did you know that most of our dreams are forgotten right after we wake up? i considered it a luck, so i wrote about the dream in detail, like i sometimes do. did you know that few people dream in black and white? i always remember my dream, but i never notice in what colour it is. but that day, i realized i dream in colour. because in that dream, i saw the colour blue.

blue. among all colours. like it shines right through.

i think that was the second dream which made me realize i dream in colour. the first dream was about three or four years ago. but it might not be legit because the colour which was the highlight was white.

it was about the same subject though.

sigh. 

so that was my trial report. bitch and babe. because blogging about how i did for each subject would be a bore. ok i did that a few years ago. but really i don't know what my fate is this time. i guess it's not going to be as good as last sem's final exam.

but i will get better for the real alevel. in one month and two weeks. insyaallah. bismillah. 

I'm a Stranger In My Own House

i become that little girl again at twenty. Shaking, sad, mad, scared, trapped. Bound to both heaven and hell for eternity. because you will never leave your home. 

i've come a long way. from feeling worthless to where i was a few hours ago. i've come a long way to regress back to this state. i've come a long way to notice that i can actually never leave. i've been running in circle in and out of this regression but i can't go out of it for good. because some things never change. because some people never change.

i've come to conclude that some people were born with a personality. they can change, according to phases or places, but their personality will remain the same. even if they claim to have changed to be better than who they were, you can expect their attitude and appearance may change, but their personality may not. because it's innate. it has been a part of them for so long that to them it isn't wrong. so they bring that personality wherever they go, whoever they be. as if it's biologically fixed, because they don't change psychologically.

but i will not let this little girl in me be my personality. i have come a long way. i have learned to love life. i have learned to love myself. i have learned to see the good in people. i have learned to see the good in this world. i have learned to have faith. i have learned that i matter, that i am of worth, that i have value, that i am loved.

why do you have to take all that away from me?

i used to feel like a nobody. but this time, why do you have to pin me as the bad guy? what have i ever done wrong? why am i never good enough? what else do i have to be? do i have to be perfect? do i have to be a saint? do i have to be an angel? to be so good? but oh no, you don't want me to be the best. because that's what makes me so bad in the first place doesn't it? and of course, you always know better. you are always better.

and i'm still the worthless kid whose opinion is nothing of value and whose feelings never matter.

but i never knew i was a threat.

if i didn't love myself, oh i would be as bad as you thought of me, even worse than that just to drag you along with me to hell just like you said. but i love myself. and anyone can drag themselves to hell without my help.

is insulting every aspect of me better than beating up every inch of me? everything i've ever done since i was a kid is never right and would influence me to be such a bad person because you're my best role model who oh always stays true to yourself and makes all the best choices aren't you? it used to be what i read, then what i watched, then who i was friends with, now what i say, what i study, where i'm going, everything is wrong and even when i learn about islam it's not right! you even questioned my faith! how does it not make me a real muslim? tell me how the person you were your whole life made you more muslim than i am? i didn't want to touch this issue but you did it first. that's the worst you've ever gone against me in all these years. your verbal abuse is no better than physical abuse. oh i know if you could, you would. you almost. you said it yourself. it's nothing new to you. listen to yourself. you're judgemental and delusional.  you're paranoid and jumud. you're irrational. you're everything i'm against but what people don't know is i've been living with it my whole life. everything you say is questionable. whatever you accuse me of, you do too. whatever you say i am, you are as well. to say the least.

i know my sins. but the shits you throw me with, are not mine. i'm tired of this. it never ends.

i'll never be your equal.

so yeah, talk about me to other people, talk against me. and i should never talk again.

i used to not talk at home, you see. i only talked to my mom. but in the presence of particular people, i became completely silent. because i knew better than to talk and have my words used against me, because why? because i didn't know anything. because age defines maturity and knowledge. because i was stupid. oh no, i was book smart, but that's what made me stupid in everything else because i thought i was such a smartass, right? when in fact i was just a stupid little kid.

so at home i hardly rarely talked to anyone else but my mom. but in the recent years, i changed. i developed my voice. i gained my figure. i became a person. i was more confident, and no longer silent. i share myself with the world, i show the real me to other people. but at home i mostly still talk only to my mom, but i was not afraid anymore to be heard by anybody else. because i believed people change. i began to believe that blood is thicker than water. i began to believe that we were getting better. but i was wrong.

this is my mom too. that was my dad too. why don't i feel like i belong? babah babah babah, with each breathe, i wished you were here. i knew it would be better if you were here. mama, thank god you are here. this is my home. this is my house. why am i the one who has to hide? why am i the one who has to leave?

i've been wanting to leave since i was a kid, not simply because i was ambitious. i wanted to stay in a boarding school and to study in another country not for that sole reason only. there's more to it than that. but now i can't leave because it will bring out the worst of me? are you serious? are you kidding me? don't you even know me? yes! you never know me! you have no idea who i am... at all. and you don't even want to know.

they say if you want to marry somebody, ask about them to their family. well in my case, don't. because what you will hear about me from them will make you flee. but it's good for you to flee, because nobody wants to marry this family.

the worst thing is when your family sees you as a stranger and strangers know you better.

yesterday, out of the blue, i got this.

i knew it's the truth, good things have to be shared because people love to share bad things. 

i've experienced it. and it's proven again today. but this time, not by a friend, not by an enemy.

now i just stare at this message, thinking how strange that strangers see me in such a good way.

maybe they don't really see me? no. i will not be that little girl. i have come a long way just to doubt myself.

but now i know that's how you see me. i wish you never have to see me again.

my mom wiped my tears and rubbed my back and patted my head and brushed my hair and touched my cheek throughout the day. she doesn't normally do this. only when something happens. i became that little girl, as if years haven't passed. she said don't bother what he says, because he isn't that good anyway and he was worse and he thought we didn't know. she said something else she has been saying from the very beginning and until now never stops saying. she said nothing is wrong with me, as long as i take care of my prayers. nothing is wrong with me. i try to make that echo in my head, silencing all my doubts and demons.

she's the only reason i still go home. she's the reason hell feels like heaven.
so you see now why i actually only really care about my mom?

my dad gave me courage. my mom gives me strength.
without my dad, everything has happened. without my mom, i don't know what would happen.
so alhamdulillah. and nauzubillah.

i didn't want to become a writer simply because i wanted to write. i didn't want to write simply because i loved it. it was my way to let things out. it was my way to tell my story without talking about me. want to know what's my first mental novel about about ten years ago? it's about a girl who left home.

i never really talk about my family to anybody. because i still love my family and i know them better despite what i know. i am the only one who gets to judge them because i am a part of them. but other people might misjudge and i don't want that. so blurting out all this on a public blog, i'm so screwed and messed up. but oh well. welcome to my life. this is reality. learn from my story.

for a girl who wants to love, i have so much hate.

oh Allah please take it all away. please.

i'm okay. if i'm not, i will be okay. thank you.