To Leave and To Miss

let's parday and starday!

or, you know... the other way around....  whatever you prefer

well i know my right order heheh

despite my last two overly-attached daughter posts, i really want to detach myself. being detached is good, but feeling disconnected is not. well, i'm already feeling as disconnected as it gets, that's why i choose to get myself detached.

a line from Taylor Swift's White Horse always floats in my mind:
"This is a big world, that was a small town."

i've spent my life in my hometown for... my whole life. yeah. except for some months away. don't get me wrong, i don't mind living in the same old place. i'm not really the free-spirited bird who has to fly away from its flock exploring the sky. but i do mind being among the same old people. before college most people in my life were the ones i went to school with, from first grade to senior year in high school, who are all from my hometown and in some way or another are linked to each other and you just can't get away from them even after school ends because my small town makes it such a small world that you want to see someone but ends up meeting other people. that's one reason. what's weird, or not weird considering the circumstances, is that i also already mind being among my college peers. all in all, this feeling leads to one thing. 

i need to escape some people. i need to find new people. i need to meet someone new.

of course, if i leave, oh, God, please, when i leave, there are people whom i never want to leave behind, whom i want to leave, whom i never want to see again, whom i will want to see for the last time, and whom i will miss.

the people i will miss will make it harder to leave, but there is a quote, saying this:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

however, i do not want to focus my purpose on wanting to leave, because that is a bad energy. no matter how true. no matter how many times i've said "f this shit i'm so gonna leave y'all, i'm so gonna leave you." i want to think of the good times i will have and the good memories i will make and the good experiences i will gain and the good people i will meet. oh yes i know life enough to know the stormy clouds don't let you out of sight for a sec, oh no they never. especially in a new place with new people. a new place so far away from bittersweet home, new people so unfamiliar unlike my beloved mom. but the good ones, hopefully, will outweigh the bad ones. hopefully, it will be better.

i just wish everything will be fine.

that my plans and His are aligned.

Allah, please, make my dreams mine.

The Last Love & Misadventure Adventure, MEETING LANG LEAV HERSELF

OK WHAT EVEN AM I WHAT EVEN IS KERETAPI i even procrastinate doing what i like i even procrastinate blogging about things i like like this one time when i freakiNG MET LANG LEAV

that's like, one month and 10 days ago. what. i can't even. whatever. ok i'm blogging about it now.

although, i must say, even though i have a lot of things to blog, i have another way to let it out, which is by talking to someone. when i talk to that person, as in type, it's like blogging in itself. we don't chat, we converse. long paragraphs you wouldn't wanna read em. it also happens that the things i'm thinking to put up here are the same things which are brought up in our conversations. coincidental conversations. so what i've been keeping in my mind flows out when it happens, which is often. that's why i can get by without blogging these days. but that doesn't mean i'm abandoning my blog. don crey ketapi pls don. i typ u ok.

so, that day. before i talk about that day, let me tell you about the day before that day. in fact, days. those were not some good days. i was upset about some things. the fact that everyone had left for home because exam just ended didn't help either. it's not that i felt alone. it just made me want to go home as well, but i couldn't, for reasons stated in a previous post. but in a way it did help me because at least i didn't have to pretend nothing's wrong, go outside the house and sit at my favourite spot to let my heart out. i did that just inside my own room, and in that moment i actually felt at home. 

i was not okay with everything and everyone but i wanted to go meet Lang anyway but i didn't have a plan so i wasn't really sure of going because i didn't feel like going with everything else i was feeling. but i knew i had to go. i would really regret it and blame myself if i didn't, just for the reason that i wasn't in the mood. 

so the next day i woke up. i looked at the hour. i looked around my room. and i realized i really needed to get the hell out of here. so i did. i knew i wouldn't want to return after i had accomplished my mission. so in my handbag i packed my er... one or two necessities. but that's basically it. i left. my steps felt light, as did my heart. i really had no idea what i would do and where else i would go, but that's the best part. after all, i was on my way to Love & Misadventure, wasn't i? better live up to the name!

to Kinokuniya, KLCC i went.

but that's not just it. when i arrived at the ktm station, i just bought my ticket and the train was coming. i ran passed people and squeezed in between the crowd, but then i saw them. two intec dudes. oh my god. dah kenapa korang tak balik kampung lagi?! what's awkward about meeting people you know is when you don't actually know them. you know each other's name, might have exchanged a couple of words on the internet and made eye contact in real life, but you don't know them to the point of "hey! kau buat pe kat sini? nak gi mana?" that's why i hoped they didn't see me when i was all alone. i hid behind people. when the train arrived i got into the lady zone, feeling relieved. i hoped we're not going to the same place.

i arrived at kl sentral, and just when i was about to buy lrt token, i saw those dudes again. oh my god. i hid behind a pillar. i sneaked a peak. dang, they're still in the line. i wasn't gonna waste my time hiding from them, i had someone to meet at 2 pm! and i had to have lunch at burger king first too! so i got in a line far enough from them, facing the other way. 

in the lrt, i guessed maybe they were going to some place else. there are many places young people would go, right? i should worry no more.

so i arrived! i walked like a woman with a purpose, a lady led by a cause, and.... a fangirl on a mission.

i went straight to kino. i arrived about an hour early. i asked the service counter where's Love & Misadventure, and she pointed it right next to her. there!!! i grabbed one copy with a big grin and asked her again, isn't there a booksigni- she answered straightaway, it's upstairs and i could go now. so i did. but there was already a line! i got in the line quickly. i had to queue for an hour eh? so be it!

but then... of course. a test in the mission. adam, my classmate since i was in third grade up to senior year in high school, the one who was my 'husband' for our school magazine class photoshoot, he suddenly asked me if i was at klcc. when he knew that i was there for the book signing, he asked me to get another copy for his sister and he would come to get it from me. woa wat r u serius? i was in the line! people were lining up behind me! someone idk, a chinese lady who worked at the bookstore or for the publisher or as the event planner idk she looked busy and in charge and moving around, she walked passed me and i asked her "excuse me are there other copies up here or do i have to go down or-" she answered "uh oh yes over there, em don't worry i stand in for you" then she stepped in, taking my place in the line omg so nice ok thanks i went over there and uuuu there's a whole rack of Love & Misadventure!!! nobody had to worry about it being sold out anytime soon! i thanked her a million times. people just smiled lol.

then after a while the line became this. multiple lines.

i guess everything does happen for a reason. it just takes a while for us to know what the reason is. in this case, the reason was this: to get her signature, you must present your proof of payment first. had i bought it earlier, or someone else bought it for me or give it to me, or the stock lasted the first time i went on my Love & Misadventure journey, i'm sure i would have lost the resit. hence no signature. no Lang to meet. no picture. that's also what bugged me that day. i came alone. who's gonna take my picture for me? could i take a selfie with lang, no? i sad.

i look at those fans who came with their friends, or their boyfriends. usually their friends were fans as well, and their boyfriends were only there to accompany them and capture the moment. one chinese couple in front of me, the girlfriend told her boyfriend how and when to take the pictures. then another chinese couple heard them, they started to have a chat and the boyfriend of the latter couple said to that of the former "just keep clicking, you can't go wrong if you keep taking pictures." i couldn't help but laughed. that's so true. good for you girl to have such a boyfriend who knows the business, haha. then they kept chatting about lang and her poetry. meanwhile, i was looking for anyone who seemed approachable so i could ask their favour, to take my picture. eh mestiii. 

so i asked a chinese lady beside me hehe. notice i purposely matched my attire with the book cover?

talking about being a true fan!

it was such an experience going to a book signing. it was my first time :) to be in a place, standing and queuing and waiting with all these fans, it felt good. i felt like i was a part of something. you know what you love has maaaaaaany fans all around the world, and you certainly are not alone, and you certainly can share your love with them on the internet, but you don't really feel it until you really be there together in the real world. like the time when i went to watch the last harry potter movie on the local premier day, i was alone but i didn't feel alone because the whole cinema was true fans on their own scale for having booked and bought the earliest tickets, cried and clapped together when the movie ended, and when the credit rolled a group waved their phones like wands and yelled "MISCHIEF MANAGED!", something so sentimental and sad to us.

that was kind of what it was like at the book signing. everyone was so excited, they talked to each other. some of them came together, some did not, but they talked anyway. around me were people with companies so i couldn't really chat my excitement away. i heard people talking about uploading their picture on tumblr and lang would reblog them. i heard people talking about how they were so nervous to meet her. people saying where is she, asking is she here? i even saw someone from the internet world! 

i knew that was her but she was with her friends and we're separated by people so i couldn't go to her. i forget how we met, well virtually, but i guess it started from blogging world. or was it tumblr first? i don't remember. one way or another, led to the other. but i was the one who reached out to her because i saw how much of a potterhead she was, and i don't normally reach out to strangers alright. we once commented on blog posts, chatted on tumblr, tweeted (yes i had twitter once upon a time) but then we both got busy. i got into college, she's in her final year in medic school. this year, lang posted about something on facebook. i left a comment, telling her to come to malaysia, and then i saw this akak's comment about the same thing. i sent her a private message telling her who i was, since i go by different names on blog and tumblr. she remembered me! she told me she tried searching for me on facebook using my blog email but couldn't find me. that's because i use different emails for facebook, blog, tumblr, and formal contact, *wink hehe. i met her on the internet because of harry potter (she's as much a fan as i am, and i don't say that a lot alright), and then i met her in the real world because of lang leav (well almost, after i had my book signed i searched for her but she was no longer there tsk.) it's amazing how literature can bring people together, eh?

after a while, lang leav's finally here!!! i was at the back of the crowd, the last person in my line, i didn't see her coming. suddenly she was there!! and i heard her voice! we were told to sit but being at the back had its privileges. i just stood and had the best view hehe. i snapped the pictures away and even recorded her reading her poems :)

the short poetry recital session was followed by question and answer session, and the book signing session started right after that. everybody got up and was pumped up, camera at the ready. andddd only then adam came. heh. i'm short and he's tall so it was kinda hard to locate each other. when we saw each other he told me he just wanted to stand outside the line. as my turn was approaching he came closer because i asked him to take my picture, haha. kira kosong-kosong la aku tolong kau kau tolong aku tol tak. but when it was my turn, the chinese lady who stood in for me while i went to take another copy for adam's sister was there and she acted like the important person she was so she ended up being the one taking my picture. adam just stood beside her laughing at how excited i was -..-

i wasn't that excited. seriously. the first thing i said when i came to her, with a calm, cool, collected manner, was "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" AND THEN I JUST SMILED THE WHOLE TIME WHILE TALKING TO HER SHE'S SO NICE AND I ACTUALLY SPENT TIME WITH HER LONGER THAN OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE SHE LIKED TALKING TO ME.

..... ok it's because i had to ask her to sign two copies and she asked me things and i told her things and then she got confused so the chinese lady explained to her and also because we were given a paper earlier and i thought i was supposed to write what i wanted to write about the book or her but actually i was supposed to write what i wanted her to write for me. for example, i should have written something like "I LOVE YOU AMA YOU'RE THE BEST FAN, lang leav" but instead i wrote something like "I LOVE YOU LANG YOU'RE THE BEST ARTIST, ama" but of course what i wrote was sweeter, some lines which rhyme hehe. so when she saw the paper, she was confused again, and i had to explain then she thanked me for what i wrote and i asked her to keep the paper and just write anything in the book. then the chinese lady had to shout so everyone could hear her when she told them, again, the purpose of the paper, BUT WITH CLEARER INSTRUCTION. so that's how i got embarrassed in front of my beloved poet and all them people. which i wasn't! BECAUSE I SPENT TIME WITH HER LONGER THAN ANY OF YOU! HAH! i screamed inside as i left with a smile on my face. adam was still laughing -..-

SO HAPPY!

everything happens for a reason. after a couple of episodes of being upset because of Love & Misadventure, i finally got it. i finally bought it. with my own money. on my own journey. i not only bought it, but i got to meet the author, have her signed my copy of her masterpiece, take a picture with her, and even talked to her!

haaaappppyyyyy :)

no matter how gedik adam is and how melayan i am, it's all role plays only we're actually good decent shy people lol. plus i've seen him the nerdiest when we were 9 so there's nothing he can be embarrassed about anymore hahaha, what's a few pickup lines can do right? he's come a long way! we bring fun to the table yo!!!

so we just had to have a picture together! memories! i was so happy that day i could take pictures of everything!

after we took this one i said "kau la ni tinggi sangat" and yes big grandpa glasses are just his style

"weh girlfriend kau tau tak kau kat sini"

"tau. dia tau aku jumpa kau."

"kau bagitau diaa?"

"ye la"

"uuuuuu"

"mesti la bagitau"

"nak tengok girlfriend kau!"

"aku takde gambar dia"

"alaaa. takkan takde? 

"betul laaa"

"asal???"

after i learnt his reason, i realized adam still hasn't really changed after all heheh

"kau? mana boyfriend?"

"hah? aku mana ada boyfriend"

"yeee la tu"

"betul lah!"

"takkan takde?"

"kalau aku ada kau rasa dia biar je ke aku jalan sengsorang jejauh camni?"

"hahaha"

baru kau faham ye yang aku wanita berdikari! tak perlu lelaki! lulz

"kau nak buatpe pasni?"

"tah taktau. kau?"

"aku pun takde buat pape. balik kot. tapi kalau kau nak jenjalan aku temanla, kesian lak kau sengsorang."

"eh takpe balik je la! aku boleh la sengsorang lek jee."

"kau datang jejauh sengsorang ni sebab nak beli buku ni je la? sanggup eh"

"mestila sanggup! actually aku dah baca dah buku tu, siap save dalam laptop lagi hahaha"

"hok aloh"

"tapi aku nakla beli jugak, itu la yang kau tak fahammm"

"hmm so kau nak gi mana ni?"

"aku taktau, serius aku takde plan langsung. aku yolo gila ni."

"taknak makan ke apa ke? dah datang jejauh takkan nak balik terus"

"aku memang malas nak balik shah alam. aku rasa cam nak balik rumah or pegi upm jumpa hazirah"

"pergi camni je tak bawak pape?"

"yolo"

so we both headed to the lrt. we were talking and i was laughing about something when i saw them... the two intec dudes. i saw the first one, and then i looked at the second one next to him, who caught my eye, we made eye contact OMG WHAT DO I DO. SO I SMILED. HE WASN'T EVEN SMILING WHY DID I SMILE??? did he see who i was walking with? some guy?! wearing matching coloured cloths?! is this why she was alone before?! no wonder she's laughing like she's happy?! lol i was paranoid for a few minutes. they certainly didn't think any of that, they just saw hey that's ama and thought of nothing more. but still. what a perfect timing like we couldn't have bumped into each other some other time, OR NOT AT ALL.

adam wanted to buy Aunt Anne's, and he offered to belanja me! he insisted but i was still paranoid to have the appetite lol such a waste. so i just stood in the line with him. if i were going back home i would buy some for my mom, but i've made my decision about my destination. upon reaching the lrt adam asked me was i going back to shah alam, or home, or going to upm? i said upm. he asked if i ever went to upm before. i said no. he said pergh gila ah kau. i said baru la yolo. aku tak penah pun tetiba je nak pegi sini sana sesuka hati walaupun tak tau kat mana, first time ni. "aku tengah texting ngan hazirah ni tanya camne nak pegi sana sume haha." while waited for our lrt we talked, and then his came first. bye. i was alone again. this time, with Love & Misadventure in my hand :')

on my way hazirah was excited that i'm going to her place she didn't believe it and was even nervous! so cute. i bought her some chocolates as well because she wanted some chocolates, comfort food as she called it. and then i made it! i arrived at upm on my own for the first time just following directions and hopping from one public transport to another and finally i'm here!

yeah

when i arrived at her dorm college i was like where the hell am i... what if the cab dropped me at the wrong place. this is a hella big uni. just walking towards the dorm building is far enough. where on earth are you hazirah?! and then there she was, waving me from her room. the queen datang kau tak turun pun?! suruh aku naik sendiri?! amboi amboi amboi. she couldn't believe i was there right in front of her eyes. aww. for you i will. you couldn't come and accompany me at klcc so i came to accompany you instead! she's bored and alone, because she didn't have a roommate anymore so that meant...... we had all the room to ourselves! yeah pardaaaayyy!

parday pebendanya belum tengah malam dia dah tidur. sleepover apanya gini. i disappoint. i spent my time camwhoring in her room, taking selfies of me with her sleeping as the background hahaha. ye ye je kata boleh late night girl talk takpe dia tak tido awal walaupun esok ada kelas takpeee. konon. sape suruh petang tu heret aku round upm naik beskal?! kan dah penat! omg that evening. i told her i hated her. "I HATE YOUUU TAKNAK DATANG UPM DAH THIS IS THE FIRST AND THE LAST TIME" i said, short of breath. i'm not much of an athlete okaaay, so don't blame me. cycling up and down the hills in upm was killing meee. you should love me for who i am not change me to be like you! hahaha. mentang2 la dak upm, dah biasa naik beskal merata-rata. it's cool, but cruel. i would lose weight if i were to stay in upm. that's good. but with the amount of torture cycling offers, that's bad.

aku adela gak cycle kat shah alam (best gilos) tapi takdela sampai nak tercabut kaki rasa nak mati pffft.

ku tak sanggup lagi. lebih sanggup gemuk jika begini

(but adam said aku makin kurus! hahaha optical illusion at its best)

apa sesengih i hetchu

can you imagine how feminine i was? riding the bicycle dressing like that, wearing handbag. at some points i just hold the handle with one hand because my other hand was holding my bag, or i was lazy so i cycled in a "i'm here for the experience not the exercise, i'm here for breathing in cool air not gasping for air" way. 

dahla ada kejadian memalukan. we both were walking to tempat letak basikal, and i was talking about how long had it been since the last time i cycled on a road with many other vehicles not to mention buses and there are many buses in upm what if i got into an accident what if i fell... and at that moment, it happened.

"camne kalau kita jatuh-"

dan aku terjatuh. kemudian semuanya berlaku dengan pantas. aku terdiam sebab terkejut. did i really fall after talking about falling? hazirah pulak pandang belakang sebab tengok kenapa aku tetiba diam, eh mana ama? tengok-tengok aku dah terduduk kat lantai. aku pandang dia, dia pandang aku. pastu dua-dua gelak gegilaaaaaa. she just stood there and laughed. i just sat there and laughed. a woman in a car just stayed in the car and laughed. at me. she tried to look like she wasn't laughing. she failed. aku taknak bangun sebab maluuu pastu penat oh gelak lemah lutut nak bangun camni. we couldn't stop laughing. it was ridiculous. i fell after i mentioned the word fall? gelak sampai berair-air mata bunyi cam menangis. sakit sikitla sebab jatuh terduduk tapi sakit lagi perut gelak. tetiba dengar suara laki, tapak kaki mereka mendekati. terus aku bangun. bongok gila ahhh.

luckily no other moment of mulut masin happened. phewh.

after upm torturing tour ended, we went to a cafe. everyone was like wearing sport attire, t-shirt, sweat pants, sport shoes, riding bicycles, walking, jogging, that i couldn't help but ask "memang budak upm kuar petang exercise eh?" serious you'd just have to ask! nobody, i repeat nobody i saw wore like a blouse, or a skirt, or a dress, jeans, formal or hipster attire, or anything else. hazirah told me that's just normal, so how do people at intec dress? all possible ways to dress and all different senses of fashion, honey. cehhh puyus. dak dak upm semua sangatlah nature friendly and healthy kot, bagus bagus. minum jap lelepak, eusha, gegossip, cecer. pastu balik kolej kediaman di mana sesi visitor photoshoot diadakan sampai senja.

malam tu dah mandi pakai hazirah punya toiletries, basuh baju pakai hazirah punya sabun dan berus, sidai baju pastu pakai baju hazirah pula, ditinggalkan hazirah cos she's got a meeting. dak dak degree memang begini. namun begitu beliau prihatin akan kebajikanku. sibuk fikir aku nak makan apa semua, i felt so loved haha. i was touched :') after she left me with food only then she went out. mungkin sebab ada orang tanya "dah bagi ama makan ke belum?" hahaha macamla aku ni anak dia ke kucing dia ke apa, "bagi makan" lol. so while she was out i was alone. but i was really glad i came. it was not much, but it was a getaway i needed :')

got to tell her a few things, we talked about some things, take my mind off things, that's the best part.

i have camwhore complex. it's a disorder. i want my pictures to be taken but they end up ugly (actually it's me) so it's rather pointless to point a camera at me but i never give up. lulz. the one holding the camera is the one who gives up because i see the picture, i delete it, and i ask them to snap it again. haha

after many attempts i was disappointed and i told hazirah

"camne ni, awak yang kena jadi photographer kita kawen nanti! buatla kita nampak cantik!"

memember, so i expect a free service! kira wedding gift la. but then we agreed to hire a pro instead. because

"kita dah hire so keje photographer la untuk buat kita nampak cantik, bukan salah kita kalau gambar tak cantik!"

LOL. what if i hire a photographer but i look bad in the photographs, do i still have to pay? lolol

i'm better at taking pictures of myself than having people taking pictures of me so here some selfiesss

my face after facing a near death experience: exercising. that's why i looked like a corpse.

hazirah's face: pwedday as always. well, live up to the name la. she's the cuter half, but i'm the better half.

she's the one who called me her better half, i'm just honouring her opinion tqluvyuhaz HAHA

that morning i woke up, she was getting dressed for class. what am i gonna do while you're goneee? just sleep she said. so i kept on sleeping lulz. when i woke up again, her block was quiet and empty except for a couple of girls and makcik cleaners. upm made me felt so peaceful, as if i'm on a holiday trip, with the fresh air and the chirping birds and the greenery. aku jela yang peaceful pun, orang lain miserable kena gi class muahahah. i had the bathroom all to myself, and the bedroom all to myself, and i waited for hazirah to come back. she came back with lunch for me, such a mother she was, practicing maybe, then when she was out for her afternoon class i left with her as well, to go back to reality: intec. i wished i could stay for another day, she wanted me to stay too, so cute this mother, but i just had to leave.

thank you for your hospitality. tsk.

like i said, like a mother.

she even tweeted this picture of me leaving, and even one when i just arrived.

so happy to see me come and so sad to see me leave. oh mommy.

i returned to intec, feeling fine, and fresh. it was like i got better, or i became someone new. idk, but i like it. i've always wanted getaways and holidays, not for the fun itself, but for the escape it gives me. yet i've never felt like this. when all i did was visit hazirah at her university. but it was enough. maybe because i was alone on the journey, i felt free, i had liberty, i spent time with her, i surrounded myself with nature, i let things out, i let myself lost and i found myself again. i like that.

some people think it's crazy that i was willing to go to KLCC from shah alam, alone, just to meat Lang Leav. even crazier when i decided to go to serdang for the first time to have an unplanned sleepover with Hazirah. a misadventure for love. but sometimes in life, you've gotta have some Love & Misadventure. 

the feeling of finally getting what you want, the feeling of being found in a new place as you were lost in your own, the feeling of going with your gut.  

so worth it :)

Old Jiwang Songs

it's Ronan Keating, Brian McFadden, and Daniel Bedingfield kinda night. those were the good things in life. those are gold.

dalam banyak-banyak malam, malam ni jugaklah aku ternostalgia dengar lagu dorang. ternostalgia ye, tak sengaja. dari dengar mp3 lama, tetiba bukak youtube, tau-tau je dah sejam dua aku ulang tengok benda sama dengar benda sama sampai studynya ke mana. nampak tak penangan mereka. hmm ke yang nampak jelas kemalasan aku hmm.

takdela lama sangat pun, adalah dalam 10 tahun. nak lagi lama nanti aku keluarkan lagu 50-an ok? takde hal aku ada je special folder untuk lagu seklasik itu. yang ni semua lagu zaman sekolah rendah. tak mengalami tapi memahami. aku kan punya sifat empati yang tinggi, hihi. sampai sekarang aku rasa tiga lagu ni akan sentiasa jadi favourite aku sampai mati. wah begitu sekali. serious ah. lagu lama memang lagi best daripada lagu baru, tapi lagu-lagu ni antara yang terbest daripada semua lagu. haaa.

marilah bernostalgia sesama.

When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating

The smile on your face

Lets me know that you need me

There's a truth in your eyes

Saying you'll never leave me

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.

You say it best when you say nothing at all

this is one of the songs yang memang dihafal begitu sahaja tanpa usaha. tetiba je ternyanyi sama. biasanya lagu lama la yang camni kan, aku lagu melayu mana tah zaman bila pun taktau, sape nyanyi pun tak kenal, dengar sikit terus boleh sambung nyanyikan. misteri bagaimana lagu boleh melekat begitu mudah dalam kepala tapi ilmu dan quran tidak ye. takpe jangan rasa bersalah dulu, meh ke lagu seterusnya hahaha keji. tapi lagu ni cam jahat. i say it best when i say nothing at all? kfine.

jap, Ronan Keating ni hensem gila dah kenapa. masa dia angkat kening bila sebut "the touch of your hand tu", at the word touch kening dia terangkat, weh kenapa.

Brian McFadden featuring Delta Goodrem - Almost Here

Did I hear you right

'Cause I thought you said

Let's think it over

You have been my life

And I never planned

Growing old without you

..........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you

You're almost here

And I know that's 

Not enough

But when I'm with you

I'm close to tears

'Cause you're only almost here

...........

Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you, you're almost here

(Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you)

And when I hold you, you're almost here

(Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted)

(Now I'm with you, I'm close to tears

'Cause I know I'm almost here)

Only almost here

AKU SUKA GILA LAGU NI. SUKA NAK MATI. FAHAM TAK CINTA. CINTA SANGAT NI.

sampai sekarang aku selalu dengar lagu ni. dulu aku siap bayangkan music video dia. budak darjah empat tuuu. tapi dah memang tahap imaginasi aku tinggi, hihi. kalau aku bayangkan mv, mv aku lagi best daripada mv sebenar. lagu apa pun kasi la, sampai kengkadang i blow my own mind hahaha. kalau aku jadi pengarah dah lama aku kaya aku rasa.

 tengok music video ni, cam sweet kan. tapi try dengar tanpa mv, lagu ni sedih sebenarnya ohh. aku rasa aku pernah nangis dengar lagu ni, padahal takde kaitan ngan hidup aku pun. takdela cubala korang bayangkan! ish.  pasti terkesan di hati lulz. suara dorang main peranan nyanyi pun cam sedih je, dahlah kisah lagu ni pun memang sedih sebenarnya. dorang macam berbalas cakap paham tak, yelah dah nama pun duet kan daaa. 

laki tu sayang pompuan tu tapi pompuan tu tak dapat rasa kasih sayangnya. perempuan tu mintak "let's think it over." laki tu terkejut, eh tapi "you have been my life?" pastu dia persoalkan kenapa sebab "haven't i always loved you?" pompuan tu jawab ye laa memangla kau sayang aku tapi kau takde bila aku perlukan kau, tak cukup setakat sayang je. kalau kau ada dengan aku pun, aku rasa cam nak nangis "cause you're only almost here". you're here, but only almost. not really. akhirnya laki tu faham, dia kata "i never knew how far behind i left you, i'm sorry that i took our love for granted." kali ni dia pulak yang cakap "now i'm with you, i'm close to tears, cause i know i'm almost here, only almost.... here."

dia sedar salah dia, tapi dah terlambat. sedih kan :'( mv imaginasi aku, ending dia sedih tak hepi camni :'(

perempuan ni cantik gila, lembut je muka dia rasa cam aish kau begitu sempurna.

Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One 

I never know what the future brings

But I know you're here with me now

We'll make it through and I hope

You are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

...........

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray that you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

pertama sekali, lagu ni terbaik. lagi satu lagu yang tau-tau je dah terhafal chorus menghayati gila sampailah part high pitch yang tak mampu nak tandingi. kedua, AKU GELAK TENGOK MV NI! TERUS TAK FEELING!! sumpah kelakaaar, nampak sangat lagu lama. dia buat macam-macam gaya. tak awkward ke depan camera sengsorang camtu, tengok diri sendiri kat tv camtu. takpelah bang, asal lagu kau sedap. aku rasa lagi power kalau dia just pandang camera dengan mata berair dia tu daripada diselubungi efek guruh dan bayang-bayang siap terpelanting terjatuh segala. tapi okla gak, boleh terasa cintanya itu hahaha. amaran kepada penonton di rumah: untuk efek jiwang maksima, sila jangan tonton music video ini.

lagu ni  menakutkan sebenarnya. amaran kepada penjiwang tegar: jangan nak if you're not the one sangat. "I love you whether it's wrong or right"? heh mana boleh camtu! bahaya lagu ni. bagi harapan palsu. tapi best!

aku paling suka part "i hope i love you all my life" tu, dia sebut satu-satu ;)

these were my childhood. lol. 

kawen nanti nak pasang ah. kbye.

*masukkan dalam list*

Love and Friendship In Islam (and Dating, Marriage, Everything lol)

here are three videos of the same theme, about love~ and~ friendship. ha suke lettew!

before that here are some disclaimers, and these are not the reflection of the videos, they are only my own viewpoint, if you disagree it's up to you, to each his own. haram to me is what people do, and not what people are. if one falls in love, it's not haram. if two stay in love, it's not haram. even if they are in a relationship, it's not necessarily haram as what they are depends on what they do. if they are only friends, but do what is haram, then it is haram. i won't say guys and girls can't be in a relationship, or can't be friends. doing what is haram, does not include feelings. feelings are fitrah. what you do with feelings are what can be fitnah. loving and missing, are not haram. lust, is not feelings. if lust is contained and actions are controlled, it is not haram, but you know prevention is better than cure. lust, if gets out of hand, and your hands, your feet, your eyes, your ears, your heart, act upon it, according to rasulullah saw, then it is haram. that is what we call, according to fact, zina tangan, kaki, mata, telinga, dan hati, sebab disertai syahwat. lustful actions, are haram. your actions, if don't cross the line, however lagha, gedik, gatai, gelenyar, are still not haram. wallahualam.

don't haramize things as easily as some people halalize things. otherwise you're haram. 

ok waddahail that's not even funny.

i've posted these videos on facebook before. this is like the compilation lah. 

so, in order of appearance, starting with....

1. Why Men and Women Cant be friends

who says so? look at Harry and Hermione, best friends without feelings. it's not impossible if you are sincere in a friendship, bukannya nampak dahi licin je, six packs je terus kasi salam cakap "kawan boleh?", padahalll. kalau dah suka lepas kawan tu lainlah cerita, tu best namanya. har har. i want a Ron for me, but I'll also find my own Harry. challenge accepted. - 28/12/11

these are some of the comments. biru kena censored tu guy, pink tu girl. mereka tak bersalah jadi dirahsiakan identiti, walaupun boleh je nak scroll cari sape dorang kan lol. tapi tak penting pun. lagi pun sape je takde keje stalk sampai camtu sekali kaaan? kan...? aizureen dengan aku tetiba emo atas sebab-sebab peribadi, tapi tak perlulah underline bahagian mana yang ada kaitan dengan hidup dan mati kan har har.

this video was mentioned in another two videos i'm sharing in this post, but i watched it first heh heh. that was almost two years ago. have my view point changed since then...? no... and yes.

i still believe guys and girls can be friends, but under certain conditions. i don't really believe guys and girls can be best friends though. not anymore. that is the main rule, guys and girls can NOT be BEST friends.

of course there are a few exceptions, like harry and hermione. but if ron wasn't always there, wouldn't you think something, at least a summer fling or just one kiss, would have happened between the two? in Deathly Hallows Part 1, when harry and hermione was alone after ron left them, hermione was sad and harry, trying to cheer her up, danced with her. they stared into each other's eyes and for a moment we, at the edge of our seat, prayed DO NOT EFFING KISS? that scene was created on purpose. JKR wanted to make it seem as if it could have happened, but they didn't do it, because what kind of mess would it be once ron returned and they had to deal with it? not to mention the quest to kill lord voldy! phewh. tu la aku salu kata. no matter what's going on in your life, the matters of the heart (or hormones) is always a different story. or else the population would never expand during war periods right? it's all fair in love and war, and this is a bit of both. 

i'm friends with boys, but this is where the conditions apply. i'm friends with guy friends pre-conditions era, those who are still my friends, and that's only a very few i tell you. i'm friends with guys i have to be friends with; classmates. i'm friends with guys i want to be friends with; wait, no. because i have this inner conflict so it's complicated. i'm only comfortable with guys who i know have a girlfriend or a crush at least, and guys who wouldn't want to make me theirs. this is not being poyo, this is being real. i used to think girls who think guys could like them were perasan, but then i understood it could happen. i used to forget that i was a girl when i was with boys, and i guess boys forgot that i was a girl too, because back then we were like bros and they only liked my girl friends and i would be their wingman. the idea of a guy liking me was just eww. like why would you?! haha. but now i've realized that i'm a girl. however unlikely and eww it may be, nothing is impossible. lol. so i must try to avoid dramas.

recently i was called kerek..... k. i'm not. i'm just conflicted, making it complicated.

however unlikely and eww it is, a guy and a girl will always have the possibility to fall for one another because why? BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENT GENDER LAH. geez you people, tu pun nak kena bagitau ke. regardless of how they look, act, weigh, are (read: regardless of how i), the possibility is always there. the reason that one is a guy and another is a girl is enough to make things happen. even if your guy friends already have someone, what if one day they break up? he falls out of love? stops crushing on her? or you become the reason why? it's never safe. seeeee. but it's your choice. like it's mine ;)

do you know how common it is? it has happened to all types of people and all types of friendship. nobody's immune to it.

you can't say you won't have feelings for someone. as if you can stop the fall just because it's your best friend. you can't stop yourself from falling. sometimes when i'm friends with guys, at one point a thought occurs to me, either "aku takkan suka dia" or "aku boleh tersuka dia". only sometimes! a few factors contribute to this prediction, it's not just because i'm friends with them, like some people are so sure they will/not develop a crush on their own friend. but sometimes your friends will change, or you change your perspective of them, and that will change your so called prediction. sometimes you meet some guys and on initial impression you wonder how the hell did they get a girlfriend? whatever does the girl see in him? but once you get to know one person, it's scary how you can see why someone would like/love/whatever them. so you'll never know.

once you get attached to someone, you'll need them, you'll spend time with them, and you'll miss them. missing someone is the start of the spark. of course, it doesn't apply if you're not the desperate type who falls for anyone who gives them the slightest attention. it doesn't apply if you're an introvert who doesn't crave for company and love being alone you rarely feel lonely. it doesn't apply if you're me... maybe. heheh. if you know you can fall for someone easily just based on their looks not yet personality, then back off bro.

even if you don't love their personality, you might just like their looks. one point in this video is physical attraction, and physical attraction might involve nafs. even if you don't fall in love with your best friend, you still have to mind your boundaries. people often forget the boundaries for the reason they won't fall for each other. but life isn't all about love dears, as if if you don't fall in love it's all fine. there still should be a wall separating you guys and girls no matter how inseparable you are.

oh yeah the whole time we're talking about this, i'm referring to friendships which start as only friendship. you get into the friendship without whatsoever feeling, not because you have some feelings for them. the first kind usually happens by accident, the second one by intention. kalau kau memang kawan dengan orang tu sebab kau syok kat dia sia-sialah aku type panjang-panjang ni, dah memang kau suka dia pun sejak awal lagi. pfft kawanlah kononnn kalau dah mintak nak berkawan tu nak lebih la maksudnyaaa pfft.


having this said, it doesn't mean i don't think friends falling in love might be the best thing :)

2. Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? - Nouman Ali Khan

-"sometimes they don't realize the elaborate scheming of men" 

oh some girls do alright. some didn't at first.... but with experience they learn.

-"well now you know why Allah says don't do it. cos it hurts" 

omg hahaha. i think if people see it this way, for the sake of their heart rather than the sexual aspects of it which many say won't go that far, they will mind the boundaries better. because it's easier to get hurt. a no to a love declaration is more likely to happen than a yes to an adultery persuasion. either one, it will hurt. you can feel that, but you can't feel hell fire. so save yourselves from the pain of heartbreak! this is genius, the way he explains why guys and girls can't be friends. because either one of you will fall for the other, or both fall for each other, but things will happen and get in the way and you'll be hurt. keep the scope simple and practical and possible in real world, you'll see why Allah says don't do it.

-"they don't realize the price they pay emotionally even in this world."

doesn't worldly scar hurt enough? i know, i understand, i want the same thing as well. some people want a relationship because they want to get married. they are not looking for a fling. they don't plan to go with the flow, whether it will bring them to marriage or they will go against the current if they don't feel like it. they are serious, and i respect these people. but what if, after all seriousness, it doesn't work out? it will hurt even more because they are that serious. the good times during the journey towards the aisle are good, but nobody can foresee if the the aisle is at the end of the road.

"i can't give you that. nobody can give you that"

-"it's not fair to the people that this kind of individuals would eventually marry"

this is what i've been thinking since what, primary school? everyone else claimed to have found their first love, and subsequent loves, one after another, as if love can be found in every guy you have a crush on. what about your true love if you already have all these loves? i roll my eyes when people say first love stays with us forever, that if we stop loving them, that's not our first love, those bs. if everyone has someone they hung up on whom they've given a piece of their heart to, who will receive a heart which is whole? if someone will always be in love with their first love, what about their last? you'll end up with your soul mate, but your heart is set on some girl you met when you were a teenager. you'll marry your meant-to-be, but you'll never love her as much as you love someone who never loves you back. love, but don't let loose. think of your jodoh. save yourselves for them.

-"you just learn to become insensitive to other people's feelings."

one heartbreak and and it makes your heart cold. it makes you think everyone is the same as that someone who breaks your heart. imagine going through that over and over again, when once is enough to change you.

-"it's the obvious truth."

guys and girls can't be friends. period. okay, according to me, be. but boundaries. you know when you might have crossed the line? when people think you are more than friends. but of course, people can talk, but don't let them talk about something untrue and the fitnah is caused by you. to some people including myself, the lines are different; depends on the individual, situation and environment. but always know yourself and where you shouldn't cross. know the zones and know the lines. insyaallah, i know mine. 

3. Love and Dating in Islam - Sheikh Omar Suleiman

because this is relevant to most of us here, i got some points down for our future reference. but watch it for a fully covered topic. thank me later lol.

"in our deen, we seek Allah through marriage. marriage is half of your deen, that's a rahmah. seeking the pleasure of Allah through another human being, showing mercy to another human being, restricting your ego with another human being."

"if you meet 100 people, 99 of them married someone they didn't think they were gonna be with."
(this freaks me out)

"that's a hell to invest yourself emotionally into something that's not even gonna give you something at the end of the day."

"that's punishment in this world, to go through relationship after relationship, and every time you go through a relationship a piece of you dies. capacity to love, capacity to trust, your emotions get lower, your expectations only rise because you've seen more flaws."

"you can get married to a person for the way they look, it's halal, but it's not smart. that's not something that is going to last. the looks will go. then you'll have to deal with the other stuffs, and the other stuffs might not be so pleasant"

"marriage is a lifetime commitment."

"you're about to make the most important decision of your life and it's biased and it's crooked because you let your infatuation cloud your judgement. Allah doesn't want us to do that."
(this is like a wake-up call for me, i never thought of it that way. our infatuation influence us to make what might be the wrong decision)

"do not expect your kids to stay away from haram if you're making the halal so hard."

"haram is so easy, don't make halal hard."

"even if your kid comes up to you at 18 years old and says mom dad i wanna get married, even if it's not realistic at that point, at least show some support. at least say okay, we're gonna help you, at least go through this much and we'll help you."

"Rasulullah saw said: a person who gets married to protect themselves has a right upon Allah to be supported. the person who tries to protect themselves for the sake of Allah and goes out seeking marriage the halal way, Allah has guaranteed them that He will help."

based on this hadeeth, how can you say love before marriage is haraam?

when it only states what is best for two who love each other is what is halal?

we all want what's best for us at the end of the day, no matter which way.

based on the story of mughits and barirah, how can you say one can not love another?

when prophet muhammad saw was amazed at how much mughits loved barirah

and how much barirah hated mughits?

rasulullah didn't ask mughits to stop loving her.

he only asked barirah if she would marry him, to which she answered no.

"when you pray istikharah please don't expect a dream to come and if you see a dream, you've been thinking about that person anyway. it's not the answer to your istikharah. istikharah is you're asking Allah if this is good for me, make it easier for me. if its bad for me, put obstacles between me and it. as simple as that. trust Allah with that." 
(this is common sense and basic psychology, don't trust your dreams! i never trust mine no matter how good it is, mimpi mainan emosi.)

""i just make dua to Allah to give me that person," so you're saying whether it's a good move or not, "i still want that one."" 

"if you are looking at potential candidates for marriage, and you don't have anything that's making you biased, that's slanting you towards one direction or the other, and you ask for the taufeeq of Allah, and you involve your family from the very start, insyaallah you will find that person. be patient. do not put yourself through the torture of relationship after relationship, thinking that's the better alternative. that will ruin you even more."


one point i love but did not include when i shared this on facebook was about choosing a spouse based on looks. it's one of the four criteria listed by rasulullah saw, it must be pretty important right? but why? and how? it's sunnah to look at your potential spouse, to see if the physical chemistry and compatibility is there. to make you feel the affection needed to go on with marriage. to not make you regret it later. best kan islam? heh heh. tapi zaman sekarang tak main lagi la datang tengok bakal bini, boleh merisik online je haha. but the criteria and sunnah still show why looks, while not the most important, still play its part.

what i never heard/read anywhere else before is when he said, we don't need a spouse who looks like the models on billboards, but we need a spouse who can help us lower our gaze. istilah melayunya, cukuplah sedap mata memandang. sebab bila sedap mata memandang, tak payahlah pandang yang lain lagi kan? boleh menundukkan pandangan ceh. so that's how you know how good looking someone should be to be your spouse. if you can look at her/him to guard your heart and nafs, that should be ENOUGH. say when you see a pretty lady somewhere, you remind yourself "i don't have to stare at her, i already have quite a pretty wife myself hehe. i will look at her lovingly once i'm home, siap dapat pahala lagi! oh my god my God is The Most Generous i love Allah i love my wife!" dengan itu dapatlah beliau menundukkan pandangannya, mendapat kasih sayang Allah dan isteri, menambah kasih sayang kepada Allah dan isteri, seraya menyempurnakan separuh agama semua pada satu masa.

happy ending :)

here's the ending of this long post :) ha hepi la tu.

Taylor and Ed Kind Of Night

Look at this music video right here which is just so cute and let's "awwwh" together later

this song is one of the songs which i never get tired of listening to. it has been what, one year? and sometimes i still play it on repeat and sing to it. that will be normal if a song means something personally to you, but this is not the case to me. this is just a song i happened to listen to the first time and thought, meh, but then i played it on again, and again, again, and with every repeat i found myself loving it more and more. there's just something about it which you might miss if you only listen to it only once. you know, when you discover a song you love and that is all you listen to for a period of time until you begin to hate it? i don't know when that will happen with this song so i'm just gonna repeat peat peat until my ears bleed.

anyway, i just found out about this video and it is so cute i just need to share it!.... with my blog. lol. s4dl0if3.

i thought when the kids were dancing, they would evolve to be taylor and ed, dancing. so like the love story started when they were kids and continued until when they were grown ups. but the twist at the end of it! cute. the kids are cute. ed is cute. those two seconds of ed. so priceless. stahp.

i love both taylor swift and ed sheeran. 

wait, maybe i used to love taylor, i don't know. to me her old songs were so much better! i remember when i was 14, listening to her first debut Teardrops On My Guitar. that was such a beautiful piece, along with her other songs of the same era. the songs i could never really get the hang of it, until i really felt it i could cry listening to it. ah teenage years and dramas. taylor used to write in songs what we write in diaries, but beautifully and not with emotional words on tear stained pages. she sang on behalf of us, for us, to us. she used her bad experience for good entertainment, and everybody loved the broken-hearted girl who poured her heart out in songs and shared her heartache with other broken-hearted girls. 

but now people perceive her as a singer who uses guys for her songs, as her songs are inspired by many different guys she has been with and broken up with. fans can actually point out which song is for which guy based on their publicized love story(ies). people get annoyed because it's always the guys' faults. they hope somebody, preferably harry styles would come up with a song like 'Probably YOU'RE The Trouble' instead. after a while who would put up with the same i love you songs every time you get together and i hate you songs every time you break up? poor antagonist guys, while she makes herself look victimized. not to mention, whatever happened to the beautiful lyrics and melodies? to me that is the worst part, as for the matter of the heart, i don't have any right to talk about that. i pity her, she doesn't deserve the hate. you can find a lot of hate online, the jokes are funny, but mean. i love Mean, by the way. but they are mean after she's become famous so Mean doesn't apply here. hm so please be the old you, taylor. you were the girl we all loved once, the girl we love and hate at the same time now, and the girl we all might hate one day. don't be that girl.

since when this blog became one entertainment, gossips, and celebrities blog? and since when taylor swift cared about what we think? as long as she makes millions she can get her hands on any boy she wants and dump them whenever she wants and write songs about them and make another million bucks.

oh and i love ed sheeran. he wrote, and still writes, and hopefully will always write beautiful songs with beautiful lyrics and melodies. why do you think i listen to Little Things? that's the only song by 1D i listen to and like. no, love. i never cared about any 1D's song. because it was written by ed sheeran for a girl when he WAS ONLY 14 MIND YOU. that boy has a beautiful mind, beautiful heart, beautiful talent. yes surprise it was not written by 1D okay. i'm not ashamed to admit i've googled the meaning of his lyrics, like The A Team, because sometimes you can't understand it because it's too deep or because there's an untold story behind it. And they say, she's in the Class A Team, stuck in her daydream, been this way since eighteen. oh btw, in my english class we had ielts listening practice, and it was our first time so to warm us up our coolio lecturer made us listen to Everything Has Changed and Lego House by ed. we had to fill in the blanks on a piece of paper with the lyrics on it. so of course i wrote the answers before she even played those songs on hehe. 

i have many of his songs in my playlist, and i love em all, but i think my most favourite one will always be Kiss Me. I've fallen for your eyes, but they don't know me yet. and it's not even personal! sometimes i only really love the songs which i can relate to, you know, so that's saying something. if i were to list down which other songs of his i love, it will be a long list. another thing about ed, like when you listen to some songs and know it's taylor's, well her old songs at least, it's the same with him. you just know ed. sometimes i have 'ed sheeran kind of night', and all you'd want to do is listen to his sweet soothing voice serenading you. imagine doing that while gazing at the moon through your bedroom window, or alone at the beach... mmm.

this is one of my personal favourites :) his voice sounds so sad :( this song is sad :(

correction: "and then i saw *alice staring back at me" 

all of a sudden i just have to feel guilty about the other artists (artists as in people with real talents who make art, not those celebrities) i love which i never blog about. like it's not fair because ed is in this post but not them. hmmm. when they don't even know about my existence. ama pls.

A Little Thing Called Love

khamis lepas aku dapat satu mimpi. mimpi ni lain macam sikit. 

aku mimpi ada laki datang jumpa mak aku sebab nak kawen dengan aku. laki tu ialah.......... MARIO MAURER! WEH WEH WEHHHHHHHHHH! ok ama, tarik nafas. mereka mungkin taktau siapakah gerangan mamat mario ni sebenarnya. WEH MARIO KOT OK LEK. so izinkan saya membuka cerita ye.

banyak aku nak cite ni. about the dream, the guy, the movie and my memories :3

THE DREAM

dalam mimpi tu aku ngan dia ni kira cam bercinta la, haha. alah apa ada hal aku pernah mimpi kapel ngan fahrin ahmad kot weh weh WEH. aku ngan mario siap bersaya awak lagi ya tuhannn comelnya diaaa! kitorang sembang semua pastu dia senyum kat aku ngan muka perfect camtu ok boleh tak aku cair sekarang boleh tak cubalah bayangkannn! walaupun mimpi, tapi ada la pengalaman merasa ok tsk hahah.

satu hari ni (berhari-hari ke apa mimpi kau) lepas kitorang jalan-jalan kat kawasan rumah aku (pebenda ni kata mimpi alang-alang gi la paris ke ish) dia hantar aku balik sampai depan pintu rumah. aku sajela jadi sopan tanya nak masuk tak? muka dia tetiba serius. dia kata nak. ah sudah. aku hanya berbasa basi! dia cakap nak jumpa mak aku. time tu aku dah okay.... nebes tapi eksaited hihiks. tapi kita tak bincang apa-apa pun lagi awak! lulz. mak aku tengah tengok cerita indon, time tu after solat jumaat. aku pun taktau apa logiknya aku date ngan dia kat kawasan sekitar bila orang lalu lalang nak gi masjid. jangan cuba di rumah ye. aku cakap ma dia nak jumpa. mak aku tensyen sebab kena tutup tv. aku suruh ma siap cecepat sebab dia dah masuk dalam rumah tapi tak masuk bahagian dalam lagi kat ruang tamu. dia tunggu je kat situ. nasib baik tetiba ada air sirap atas meja, so aku tuangkan je takyah bancuhkan hahaha keji. aku suruh dia masuk. pastu aku masuk bilik. nak cari something tapi last-last aku tak keluar terus, biarlah hanya orang tua yang berbincang ihiks. lama kot bincang. aku dengar je. mak aku macam taknak cecepat, yela aku takde cakap pape kat mak aku pastu kau datang rumah tetiba camni kan, aku pun terkejut. dia pujuk. lelama dia emo. sebab mak aku tak kasi dia kawen ngan aku HAHAH OK JANGAN GELAK. dia emo emo pastu aku rasa takleh jadi ni, so aku keluar je. tetiba kat ruang tamu dah ramai orang, ada abang-abang aku la sape la. aku cakap apa tah, tapi cam dah lah tu. aku marah dia. abang aku sorang pun terus "ah malasla aku tunggu lagi" pastu blah lol. aku cakap kat mario, ehhem lebih kurang camni "yang awak nak emo kat mak saya kenapa? saya pun nak tapi kalau tak boleh sekarang takpela. cakapla elok elok. awak dah tau dia nak jadi mak mertua awak pastu awak buat camni pulak, awak ingat dia nak ke?" HAHAHA OK KELAKAR GILAAAA TAPI MIMPI NI HARUS DIABADIKAN DALAM KENANGAN. MARIO MAURER DOH MARIOOO OK. time tu muka dia comel gila alahaaaai aku tensyen kat kau sebab paksa paksa mak aku tapi aku sayang kau janganla buat muka camtu mariokuuuuuu. jangan putus asa. nanti kita pujuk mama saya, ok bebi? 

ok the psychology behind dreams.

tau tak, semua orang yang kita pernah mimpi, kita pernah tengok dorang in real life? maksudnya kita takkan mimpi orang yang kita tak pernah nampak, sebab camne otak kau nak cipta satu muka baru? kalau orang dalam mimpi tu bermuka la. kalau tak... bangun mengucap har har. kita maybe tak ingat, tapi actually otak kita simpan imej orang tu. so bila aku mimpi mario senyum kat aku, buat muka comel gila nak mati, pandang aku dengan pandangan kasih sayang (hahaha), muka stress and sedih sebab tak dapat kahwin ngan aku cecepat (hahahaha) tu semua muka dia yang aku pernah tengok dalam movie. omaagaaaad!

walaupun kalau boleh memang aku nak kapel ngan fahrin tapi kawen ngan mario. mungkin mimpi tu tak bermaksud aku memang nakkan mereka, tapi ada maksud tersendiri. bila kita nak tafsir mimpi sendiri, kita akan subjektif. itu membuatkan tafsiran kita unreliable. macam tetiba aku terfikir, mungkin aku mimpi ni sebab.... padahal i might just be trying to fit my dream into my reality. my dream is the manifest content. but the meaning of that dream is the latent content, which we have to interpret. you're just influenced by your thoughts, desires, fears, be it unconscious or not. tapi mungkin mimpi hanya mimpi. orang kata mimpi mainan syaitan, aku kata mimpi mainan otak kita. Sigmund Freud pun cakap sometimes a cigarette is just a cigarette, despite him interpreting everything as having meaning. if it's good, just enjoy the dream because even though it's only a dream, for a moment you actually feel it is real, even though it's not in the real world. to me, that's good enough because it actually did 'happen'. ok? pesan kat diri sendiri sobs.

cukup pasal mimpi.

jadi mari kita cerita pasal mario pula. siapa mario maurer?

THE GUY

oh mamat ni je

.................

weh

WEH

WEHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CAN YOU NOT I CAN'T EVEN 

sumpah first time aku tengok dia aku tak rasa dia hensem. aku mana la minat mamat jambu thailand korea jepun ni, taste aku either pure melayu atau omputeh terus, pastu haruslah jantan ahaha banyak songeh kau, tak sedar diri. tapi lama-lama tengok... dia.... perfect. tak sesepet korea jepun, dan tak semelayu laki mesia, dia...... just perfect. ceyy

movie pertama aku tengok dia berlakon, A Little Thing Called Love. cerita ni comel camtu jela pada aku, tapi ending dia omagaaaaaad COMEL GILAAAAAAA! ending dia yang best, terbaik. kawan aku cakap dia menangis tengok cite ni. so the whole movie aku tunggu part mana la yang sedih ni? takde pun.... tak best ah kelakar je. i like it to be deep lol. sekali menjelang akhir cerita, menitik-nitik air mata. air mata sedih and hepi and i want it too but it's never gonna happen in real life it's too good to be true why can't it be me???!! lol. kalau suruh aku tengok balik cerita ni, boleh. tapi aku terus skip gi ending. for first timers kena la tengok dari awal, sebab ada plot twist di akhir cerita :3

meh aku cite cerita ni pasal apa dengan plot twist and ending sekali. maklumlah aku kan suka bercerita siap kasi spoiler lagi. 

THE MOVIE

kisah seorang budak perempuan yang dari tak cantik menjadi cantik dari tak pandai menjadi pandai senang cerita dari loser menjadi popular. kenapa? sebab dia suka sorang budak laki ni. itu usaha dia untuk budak laki tu sedar kewujudan dia seterusnya menyukai dia juga. sekali bila dah cantik, pandai dan popular, kawan budak laki tu pulak suka dia. mereka pun kapel. tapi dia masih suka budak laki tu. hari terakhir sekolah, mengenangkan it's a now or never thing, dia confess kepada laki tu. tapi dia dapat tau laki tu baru kapel ngan pompuan lain. pastu dia berlalu pergi menangis. 

that is her side of the story. not the whole story. jeng jeng jeng THIS IS THE BEST PART AT THE END OF THE MOVIE IT SHOWS HIS SIDE OF THE STORY ASDFGHJKL

his side of the story: ok aku takleh cerita. lagi feeling kalau tengok sendiri. sebab aku baik, nah video untuk mudahkan hidup korang. sebab aku annoying, aku paksa korang tengok. TENGOK AKU KATA!!

this is her confession

KAU TAKLEH RASA KE perasaan dia masa dia mengaku semua tu sambil berair mata pastu tersenyum takleh rasa ke kesedihan dia masa dia cuba nampak lek terima kenyataan pastu jatuh swimming pool basah basah depan crush dia pastu  tahan air mata berlalu pergi konon ok? TAK RASA KE T__T

this is his secret

TOLONGLAH TENGOK NI BENDA PALING SWEET + SEDIH TAU TAK

KAU TAKLEH RASA KE perasaan dia masa dia senyum sorang-sorang terkenang masa dia usha pompuan tu diam diam masa dia kata she looks the same kat orang tapi dalam hati cute as always takleh rasa ke kesedihan dia bila dia takut setiap kali dia nak confess kat pompuan tu pastu dia kecewa ngan diri sendiri sebab dia takut masa dia kasi bunga tapi pusing belakang pastu muka cam kenapa aku ni tak cakap je aku yang kasi masa dia nak confess akhirnya tapi kawan dia confess dulu pastu dia sedih kat tangga weh muka dia time tu WEH  masa kawan dia mintak dia jangan suka pompuan tu dia terpaksa setuju pastu dia sedih sebab dia takleh buat pape sambil tengok diari dia WEH

seriously macam-macam bunyi kuar dari mulut aku masa aku tengok video ni.  

silalah jeles dia buat muka camni dalam mimpi aku UNTUK AKU

muka camni jugak bila dia tak dapat kawen ngan aku HAHAHA

seriouslah kalau ada manusia yang cakap ending dia tak best memang i'm judging you. kau ni takde perasaan ke apa hah?! oh mungkin sebab tak cukup pengalaman untuk mendalami perasaan mereka, hew hew.

it gives us hopes, but still it's too good to be true. a prince charming falls in love with an ugly duckling? unlikely. lepas habis cerita ni, hepi untuk dorang tapi sedih untuk diri sendiri. makin down adalah sebab memang takkan terjadi! plot twist gila bila he likes you all along. tapi lagi plot twist sebab he likes you even when you think you're not worthy to be noticed. he sees you when you're invisible. ah dusta je semua tu!

dua-dua menyedihkan, tapi laki ni aku rasa paling kesian. pompuan tu at least ada tempat nak mengadu, nak bercerita, meluahkan kat kawan-kawan dia. tapi laki ni ada diari je lol. pastu dia kena tengok best friend dia date dengan perempuan yang dia chentaa. and then dia takleh buat pape walaupun dia nak. pompuan tu walaupun malu sebab confess tapi tak dilayan pastu jatuh swimming pool lak tu takleh nak pathetic lagi ke depan laki yang dichentai, and sedih sebab rasa cinta dia tak dibalas, at least dia dah cakap. dia dah lepaskan beban yang menghimpit jiwa. lulz. so dia ingat dia memang takde harapan and dia boleh move on, lupakan takdela stuck with you lagi. laki tu? simpan la lagi tunggu la lagi terseksala sorang diri. tolonglah bersyukur jika anda bukan mereka.

so don't wait until it's too late! don't be afraid! take your chances! at least you try! or you'll always be wondering why!

nampak tak betapa laki ni bukan je boleh buat muka comel tapi pandai buat muka sedih :3

dalam video tadi ada cakap 9 years later kan? ha jeng jeng jeng.....

OMAGAD SWEETNESS OVERLOAAAD

tapi gila nak tunggu 9 tahun. tahniahlah p'shone dapat bertahan. saya kat sini tunggu awak lagi. sobs

MY MEMORIES

aku rekemen semua orang tengok cerita ni. bukan je sebab sweet sedih kesian kelakar semua ada, tapi sebab cerita ni macam kenangan kot. kenangan zaman sekolah, era suka suki. kalau korang macam aku la. eheh. budak-budak tak matang buat macam-macam. heh heh. sentimental nostalgic giteww.

PEOPLE WHO WATCH THIS TRAILER HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE EXPERIENCE

so i'm gonna share something which is so rare: mine. heheehehe.

WALK PASS BY JUST TO SEE HIS FACE

but when he saw mine i looked away cey

KEEP HIS THINGS AS SOUVENIR 

sekotak ferrero rocher, sehari sebiji je makan. haruslah. muka cam aku mana pernah dapat hadiah dari crush sobs. sebulan aku tunggu. bukan aku tunggu hadiah pun, aku tunggu wish je. kemain kau simpan sebulan wish ngan hadiah sekali, apesal tah. tapi takpe. saya tak meminta nom nom nom. pembalut coklat, kad pokemon, surat koyak daripada kertas buku tulis pun dijadikan khazanah.

CALL HIM JUST TO HEAR HIS VOICE

ni masa darjah 6. aku selalu call crush aku, betapa comelnya zaman tu bukan semua budak ada fon, so aku call rumah je. lagipun takdela dia tau number aku hihihi. bila dia angkat "hello?" melompat-lompat dengar suara crush guling-guling atas katil hahaha. call lagi "hello? sape ni?", tahan napas, letak. tetiba satu hari, aku call macam biasa, dia angkat dan berkata "aku tau ni sape." WEH TERUS LETAK TOBAAAT. aku taktaula dia gertak je ke dia bebetul tau, tapi kat sekolah takde tanda pun dia tau tu aku. aku buat dek je ngan dia, buat cam biasa sebab ni crush memain gitu. tapi gedik kemain hmph.

aku ada lagi satu crush masa darjah 6. tapi masa berlainanla hew hew. aku tak call dia, sebab dia ada fon and kitorang memang kawan. so penahla main mesej semua. nanti dia tau la tu aku. solusinya aku suruh member aku call kan. tanya beday bagai. padahal bukan aku nak wish or kasi hadiah pun, just nak tau. nak ada serba sedikit informasi mengenai si dia lolol. bolehla aku cek bahagian horoskop aku serasi tak ngan dia HAHAHA WTH. layankan jela. bebudak. so kawan aku pun layankan je permintaan aku. aku siap kasi arahan jadi direktor sediakan dialog, "kau call dia tanya beday, cakap kau buat survey." patuh gila mamat tu, ikut je apa aku suruh. memandangkan aku pun jadi kuli dia jugak bila melibatkan crush dia. kami bantu-membantu camtu. balik sekolah jalan kaki sesama, cite pasal crush memasing. pernah sekali "weh jalan sebelah aku, pastu kau pandang belakang cek dia tengok tak kita. biar dia jeles" lolololol. banyak la peranan dia dalam drama aku dan crush (-crush) ku. lulz.

APEK YOU'RE DA MAN! :'D

DOES EVERYTHING TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL

masa ni aku tak kisah lagi rupa bentuk aku camne. biasalah sekolah rendah. kisah pun bukan buat apa, makan camtu gak burger sekali dua lol. stended la aku kejar budak laki ngan pembaris sebab dorang ejek aku gemuk. kengkadang satu sekolah aku kejar. kengkadang tak bawak pembaris, bawak tangan je. sebab tangan aku sekali penampar memang kau menyesal tak sudah. dulu zaman aku menampar laki, aku bukan jenis "hehehe awak ni" pap lembut. tapi "KAU PEHAL CARI PASAL?!" PANGGG! 

ada sorang kawan aku mulut ala-ala azwan ali sikit, jadi aku salu dok menampar dia tapi tak pernah ambik pengajaran. setiap kali aku tampar, muka dia merah cam tomato. telinga merah cam nak berasap. kalau kat bahagian boleh nampak tu memang nampakla merah kulit dia. kah kah kah. aku tak tampar pompuan sangat, kecuali sorang ni. tu pun sebab dia lagi besar daripada aku so aku rasa tak efek la tamparan wanita ku. tapi dia pun mesti mengerang kuat kalau aku tampar. maaflah ye tangan saya memang tak reti bajet speed and strength nya.

ada sorang budak ni. dialah yang paling aku menyampah, mulut paling patut dicili. dalam ramai-ramai memang aku benci gila dia. suka hati kau je nak ejek aku kau ingat kau hensem sangat?! sampai darjah 4 kami sentiasa bercakaran dan berkejaran (taula kau kurus tp jangan ingat kau boleh lari). masuk darjah 5.... plot twist: dia suka aku. hahahaHAHAHAHA APA TAK DENGAR, LAGI SEKALI? KAU SUKA BUDAK GEMUK NI?! last-last dia la yang paling jadi kenangan aktiviti luar bilik darjah aku time tu hew hew. sekarang dia dah bertahun dengan makwe dia. ingatlah, sebelum kau bersama perempuan hotstuff itu, kau pernah menyukai perempuan cold storage ini untuk setahun dua. gudbai.

ni pulak kisah form 2. mamat ni dikira paling hensemla ketika itu dalam kalangan kami. digilai junior dan diminati rakan sebaya. dia pun aku menyampah dan mulut patut dicili. time tu laaa time tu k jangan pusing cite pastu mengadu domba heh. dia baik memang baik, tapi mengundang. aku jenis malas layan dak laki kalau dorang ajak gaduh. dak laki kan suka menyakat. dak pompuan layan pulak tu, padahal tau sangat nanti kau jugak yang stress. so aku biar je kalau dia cakap pape. orang cakap sebab tu aku cool dan tak emo, aku taktaula kekeke. dia pun cakap camtu. tapi ada sekali, aku balas balik. balas balas balas. tetiba ada budak cakap something like "korang ni gaduh gaduh nanti kawen kang" pastu mamat tu cakap "amalina ni? kau suruh dia turunkan berat dia dulu".... KUAJJAAA LUUUUU! tapi aku just kata "kuajja haha" pastu pandang tempat lain. takut pandang dia lama-lama kang ada gak makan penampar wanitaku setelah dua tahun aku pencen. tak lama kemudian.... plot twist: dia suka aku. wehhh aku rasa puas gilaaaa! cam nak cakap je "aik aku tak sempat turunkan berat, kau dah suka aku?" I SO WINNNNN

sumpah aku taktau kenapa budak-budak ni boleh ada perasaan sedemikian. pernah tengok aku masa darjah 5, masa form 2? kalau pernah kau fahamla kenapa haha. aku rasa itu karma. tu la, orang-orang tua dah kata. jangan benci, nanti suka. jangan mengutuk orang, nanti dapat laki/bini cam dia. kah kah kah. nasib baiklah setakat crush kat sekolah semata. tapi terima kasih for seeing me when i was invisible. lol. it was memorable :'D

TIME CHANGES, PEOPLE CHANGE, BUT THE HEART REMAINS TRUE

wrong. the heart changes. unless it has found the right one. only waiting for the right time.

time is the variable, and the person is the constant.

tetiba deep.

"maybe you won't be seeing him again in this life, aren't you going to do something?"

i wrote a letter to my crush. actually my friends and i wrote it. crush memain yang aku salu call tu, jadi tiada emosi berat dan perasaan sebenar di situ. bolehla dikongsi dengan rakan-rakan tersayang proses nak confess. cuma..... aku tak confess untuk diri sendiri. aku confess untuk sorang lagi budak yang memang suka dia. hahahaha. well that was me and my girls; the whatever club. being mean in high school was too mainstream. so we did all sorts of things in primary school hehehe. sebab tu sampai sekarang sesapa from the same school ingat kitorang. kitorang tulis nama budak pompuan tu, pastu suruh kawan aku dak laki yang aku salu tampar sampai muka merah tu kasikan kat crush aku. macam-macam kitorang tulis. tapi takdela kejam sangat, memandangkan satu sekolah tau budak pompuan tadi suka budak laki tu. dia tak malu mengaku. tapi budak laki tu buat dek je kat dia. so aku tolong dia by mengaku lagi sekali. ngehehe. it was the second last day of primary school. the day upsr result came out. pastu dak laki tu dapat tau surat tu bukan dak pompuan tu kasi. dia mula tanya orang sape kasi surat tu sebenarnya. time tu cuak terkantoi ngan cuak dapat result bergabung jadi satu. cuak nak mati la jadinya. insaf.

BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF EVERYONE

so true!

it brings back memories :')