My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?