Personaliti Si March

berikut adalah personaliti org bulan march. aku tergerak untuk tampal kat sini kerna tidak laen tidak bukan aku adalah budak march sendiri.

sila hadap. . .

March

* Berpesonaliti menarik dan menawan
aku maybe tak semenarik dan semenawan org laen, nevermind paling menawan dan menarik. tapi korg takkan borink kot ngn aku?? bukannya perlu pon berusaha nak bg org approach, kite la pandai2 bawak diri kan. kalau kawan pon taknak, mmgla korg nampak aku mcm statue. kalau aku statue korg lagila aku nampak mcm batu. hekhek.

tengok taste memasingla, walaupon aku tak ske bila org berkawan nak ikot taste die je, tp mmg hakikat. kalau korg baru tau pandangan aku pasal satu perkara, say aku ckp aku taknak couple then korg terus assume aku ni takleh campur ngn korg sbb aku alim, then its your loss lah. ceh konfiden je. tapi aku pon sama dlm bnda2 camni, rase semua org same. aku akan avoid org yg aku nmpk boleh ubah aku ke arah aku tak suka, mcm mat2 rempit minat bohsia semua or wannabies sbb nnt dorg copycat aku which sumpah aku benci.

kawan still kawan ngn dorg ni, tp tak dela smp boleh masuk crowd dorg. but i think this can be possible, if each of us gives some space for the other, know why she see things differently and give her a chance. if u pass the opportunity just at the first different insight, u might lose a precious person. being friends doesnt mean having to be a twin in different womb, why not seek a pal which will give u another perspective for life?? pastikan mereka dalam golongan yang baiklah. eceh ckp.

* Mudah didampingi
even before masuk mrsm di mana semuorg kena senyum dan tegur semuorg, aku mmg dah ade sifat yg akan senyum kat org kat sesuatu majlis atau tempat yg kitorg stuck sesama. klu aku tgk muka die frenly la. takkan aku nak senyum kat org yg perengus kot. aku senang nak kawan ngn org, tp tgk org la kan. even kdg2 kalau org tu sgt tak taste aku tapi kalau die sama friendly dan tak memilih, takde hal. tapi kalau dah sekepala still susah nak masuk, masalahla kan.

atau aku yg senang mendampingi org. mase first day masuk mrsm, aku dah tersenyum2 dah kat org. meeting their sorrow eyes with a smile even mine were wet with tears. and sbb semuorg tak kenal semuorg, lgla sng aku buat kawan. baru je jumpa dah mula cite background. tapi of course lah, nothing too personal. just somethings that would keep the conversation going, though in my case it was definitely one sided. aku senang terima dan senang melepaskan. heheh. as long as the peson isnt a part of me. i dont know how to determine who is who to me, but if any of my friends leave my life, i'll be missing them.

tak kesahla kan who's the other half of me ke. tak penting. kalau korg nak tau korg banyak kesan tak kat idup aku, sila blah. tgk ape reaksi aku dan berapa lama aku masam muka. so far ramai je dah buat camtu, but none of them succeded in making me be a pungguk rindukan bulan. konklusinya aku ni bolehla gak ngam ngn org. atau aku je pk yg aku ni ngam ngn org.

* Sangat pemalu dan pemendam rasa
agreed. aku ni pemalu walaupon kdg2 nmpk cam tak malu. bila ade pape best jadi kat aku, aku akan segan nak cerita kat org. aku akan rase aku tak layak ataupun aku taknak nmpk mcm kecoh sgt. kdg2 bile aku dah cerita byk sgt, aku rase mcm "eh aku ni. dasar taktau malu. semua nak cerita. ape lg yg ade ngn aku?" tetiba rase mcm murah lak. huahua.

aku maybe byk ckp dan selalu ckp bnda unnecessary, tp as much as i opened up, can not be compared to how much i keep in the closet. u'll never imagine how much i keep alone. i maybe always babble about my so called fate and blushing when talk about girl things, but there is always more in the deep heart core. haha. and aku mmg susah nak bg org tau ape perasaan aku. maybe aku akan pilih satu dua org kawan yg boleh aku confide, but still not everything.

kalau aku ade maha terasa ngn seseorg, aku takkan cakap. dan aku takkan buat muka. org tu akan hidup seperti biase tanpa rase bersalah. sbb aku taknak org terasa, aku taknak org kena mintak maaf ngn aku dan aku taknak lepas ni awkward dan aku taknak org laen terlibat. most of all, sebab aku pemendam la kan. tapi maybe org tak perasaan kot, sebab aku banyak ckp dan bukan budak pendiam yg duduk sorg2 tulis diari.

* Sangat baik secara semulajadi, jujur pemurah dan mudah simpati

each person is good, before any of the bad influence or feelings come. a baby is good, but he will become bitter if he always hears his folks shouting at each other. and soon when he becomes a father he might do what his pop did, too. a girl is good, but she might be vengeful if she knows her friend betrayed her.

of course misfortunes that befell on you do not give u license to hurt others, to make them feel what u haev felt. tp dgn bnda2 nila kite boleh faham org kan, do not hate the sinner, hate the sin instead. tetiba ckp psl org laen lak, haih. aku tau byk salah aku dah buat, kat tuhan, kat manusia, kat haiwan, kat alam. selalu aku doa, selalu aku cakap aku takkan buat lagi, selalu aku minta ampun. tp willpower aku tak kuat.

i know my mistakes and i always try to mend them, to rebirth. the second chances given to me arent all worth it, i dreaded this fact that it is so hard for me to change, i know i'm suck but i cant be what i want to be. sometimes i just want somebody, anyone who i can confide to, who can lift this burden of mistakes and guilt just by listening, someone who wont look at me with that thing in their eyes that i've been avoided for long. but i know, i cant control their thoughts and feelings, so i just have to keep the guilt alone. and that is just another secret that i better keep to myself. i just want to be good. if i hate my rotten self, how can anybody else feels otherwise?

pemurah, i dont know. if i have, i'll give. alaa aku rase semua org camtu kan. aku kadang2 kalau org2 tu dtg umah ke, panggil kat tepi jalan ke, nak jual ape2 untuk isi perut makan, aku akan xsampai ati klu tak lyn. kdg2 kalau dorg jual makanan yg nmpk tak best or anything yg aku taknak at all, kasi duit je la kan. tanak amek barang tu. kang kalau aku buang aku lak rase membazir dan bersalah kat mereka2 tu. baek aku tak amek. tapi aku tak katela setiap kali ade nak kena derma or beli aku kurangkan duet poket, aku bukan bapak aku. duet kat aku ni pon bukan duet aku. duet mak aku jugakk. hehe. anak mak la katekan. haritu aku pergi guardian beli barang time mak aku kat kedai baju, aku tak bwk satu sen pon. tp aku rilek ar gi kaunter. after tau harga, aku ckp jap, then cari mak aku. pastu ade stuff nmpk aku kuar then mama kasi duet, pastu die sengih bila aku dtg balik. hehe. dasar la. naseb takde line belakang aku.

aku bersimpati ngn org kot. bukan manusia je, dgn haiwan pokok even bnda bukan hidup pon aku kesian. aku tgk org nanges, aku nanges. mcm boleh mendalami jiwa dorg lak. kalau tgk tv pon sikit2 sebak memanjang, ni kan lg kalau live. sayu je. bukan org susah je, org laen pon aku kesian. say this girl duduk bawah pokok sebab hujan pastu sorg2, tak semena2 aku kesian. bila tgk student tak dgr ckp cikgu, smpi nmpk cikgu penat dan malas nak tegur dah pon aku jd simpati. padahal tah2 cikgu tu sendiri tak amek pot.

aku, biaselakan. suke membesar2kan bnda. bila tgk artis yg kena tgkp khalwat kena marah ngn public dan caci maki oleh family aku, pon aku sedih. tak kesahla kan die bersalah ke tak. mana boleh buat org camtu. camne la die nak fikir positif, nak jd baek. tp kalau daniel danielleeeewhatever her name is tu, aku tak kesah. kutuk la puas2. muahahah. ape lg? tgk anak kucing sekor2 je takde mak die pon aku sayu. klu korg betul2 kenal aku, aku boleh kesian kat bnda lagi. aku salu bygkan bnda tu hidup. contoh;

"kesian nasi tu. aku takboleh makan dah. tp nnt die kena buang. die masuk tong sampah busuk, adek bradek mak bapak die semua selamat dlm perut aku, sian dah terpisah. mesti die tgh merayu2 suh aku makan die. aku je tak dengar. mesti die tgh nangis kan"

hahh. mcmtula selalu. nak buang old junks pon aku boleh kesian. mesti mainan aku sedih, dulu bukan maen aku syg siap bwk mandi lagi, skg boleh pulak buang. mcm habes madu sepah dibuang lak. so akhirnya bilik aku pon dipenuhi barang2 yg dah bertahun aku tak sentuh. kesian tak pasal2 punya pasal. maybe dorg boleh berguna? sape tau? mungkin barbie aku punya tangan kecik tu boleh bukak skru? sape tau?

* Sangat sensitif pada perkataan yang dituturkan dan alam persekitaran

sensetif pd perkataan? aku agak tak paham. tp aku rase bolehla diapplykan dlm sifat aku yg dpt menjiwai buku dgn berkesan. once i read, the world around vanish and nothing is more important than the whole new world i've created inside my head. if any of u always read my blog, u may find the words i often describe about the way i read. i doubt i'm the only one in a radius 10 kms who can see words as so much more, but i know that i really can 'absorb' the words in books and buried it inside of me. words are magic. i like this quote;

"pen is mightier than sword"

it really works in my mind. sebab aku suka mendalami buku la jugak aku sgt jarang bace buku yg mcm ringan2, yg pasal a hiskul girl striving to be popular and kicks her rival's butt and at the same time flirting to get the infamous drop dead handsome quarterback and thus becoming the most worshipped plastic in school. menyampah lagi ade kot. bukan apelakan, tu bukan taste aku je. not a prob though if u do read that kind.

kalau korg tgk rak buku aku la kan, banyak buku yg mcm masalah manjang. yg tebal2 je. first love novel i own pon the twilight saga, tu pon sbb ade masalah and aku suka cerita friendship bella and jacob. cite tu ok sbb takde bab2 menggedikkan diri. and cecelia ahern's novels now i have three, buku die pon topik cinta tapi takde laa mcm byk novel melayu, selalu revolve around kisah cinta tu je. cecelia ahern buat watak2 die byk hal laen, sgt sikit memikirkan lova dova thingy but in the end its all about love, tak kesah la terhadap kawan baek or a dead husband or an imaginary friend.

dah amek byk ruang psl buku padahal aku tak rase describtion utk march di atas bermaksud cara membaca buku kan? maybe maksud aku ni sensetif kot?

yeee aku sensetif. aku kadang2 cepat hot tapi cepat baek. tgkla level betapa menyakitkan hati perkataan yg diucapkan. tapi sgt susah klu nak tgk aku merajuk lelama. kdg2 aku merajuk ngn kwn smp kwn pulak merajuk tetiba ngn aku, tapi nnt aku lak yg memujuk dorg. wpon aku yg hot pd mulanya. kdg2 aku tak marah, tp care aku mcm marah, pastu org ingat aku marah dan dorg mula marah aku belakang2 sampai aku akhirnya betul2 marah tapi tak tunjuk sgt sbb aku taknak ade adegan marah2 sebab bnda kecik yg tak patut marah2.

sensetif kat alam persekitaran, tahlaa. aku biase selalu bunuh semut ngn jirus air bila die ade kat makanan or tmpt tak patut, tp nnt aku kesian. mesti semut tu sebenarnya nak cr makan utk anak bini, penat mencari tak jmpe2 sekali die slah jalan terus kena bunuh ngn gergasi ni. and bila time kawad komander tah hape2 lak suruh amek daun kat pokok and letak kat mulutla apelaa, aku jadi tak smp hati. bayangkanlaa, saat sebelum si daun boleh berkerja dan keluarkan oxygen untuk kite ngn senang hati, die tgh bernafas, tetiba kite cabut, terus tamatla khidmat die kat muka bumi ni. tak ke kejam?

* Suka pada kedamaian

sape tak ske kan? sampai kdg2 aku nak rase sunyi walaupon bila sunyi tu aku akan sometimes tetiba rase sedih. semata2 nak damai punya pasal. and aku sgt la innesfree. aku nak duduk kat kampung, or kat suburb.

aku taknak duduk kat tempat yg sikit2 bangunan membangun. sikit2 buat hiway baru. sikt2 potong pokok, buat sesak nafas aku je. silau pulak tu nnt. aku tak ske suasana bandar yg budak2 tak abes2 jalan pakai mcm kejadah konon2 cool bila pegang pinggang pakwe padahal duet pon mak kasi. aku tak ske suasana bandar yg org2 die sebok memanjang, traffic jam memanjang, sampai takde mase nak bertegur sapa ngn jiran sendiri. aku tak ske suasana bandar yg org semua berebut2 nak jadi seksi atas alasan pulau haba melanda malaysia. aku tak ske suasana bandar yg memang bukan taste aku.

aku rase suburb di mana org still mementingkan society dan boleh lepak rumah jiran tetangga dan ade elders serta pelapis sendiri yg boleh buat aku tak hilang akal hidup zaman sekarang ni.

* Sangat peka pada orang lain

aku taktauu. aku kdg2 rase org marah kat aku. aku kdg2 rase org tu sedih. aku kdg2 rase aku buat salah. aku kdg2 rase org tu taknak aku dah. aku kdg2 rase aku menyusahkan. aku kadang2 rase org usha aku. biaselaa, semuanya poyo semata. tp kdg2 ape yg aku salu suspect tu mmg betul tau. aku akan rase bnda2 ni kat org sekeliling aku, dan aku takkan cakap.

* Sesuai dengan kerjaya yang memberi khidmat kepada orang lain

hahhh mmg! mmg sgt. jujurlah aku taktau ape cite2 aku. tp aku teringin untuk bekerja dgn org (bukan maksudnya aku ni employee ye), untuk berkomunikasi, untuk kenal lebih ramai org, untuk tau hidup dan fikiran org, and mostly untuk tolong org, let me be something that is worth breathing for. let me help u. let me make ur days to be better than ever. let me lift the sorrow and pain. let me be a part in ur life, and not a part in a office sitting for 10 hours typing and reporting. let me help u because if i help somebody, i help myself, too. help me help myself by helping u.

* Tidak cepat marah dan sangat amanah
tidak cepat marah, depends. selalunya bnda kecik yg aku over, tapi hal besar yg aku patutnya mengamuk aku sabar je. taknak mengeruhkan keadaan la konon. amanah, insyaallah. penting utk hidup tu. aku tak buat kerja sekolah pon rase bersalah sbb tak amanah, bersalah2 pon aku still tak buat gak. muehehehe.

* Tahu membalas dan mengenang budi
amin. harap2la. mmg aku akan kenang kot. korg masuk dlm hidup aku dan jd someone yg aku rase worth being friend with pon aku dah anggap tu jasa, bayangkan kalau korg buat mcm2 lagi. tapi aku tak guaranteela aku boleh balas. aku mungkin tak ckp dan tak mustahil aku tak perasan pertolongan korg at that very moment, tapi later2 sikit aku akan terasa budi korg tu.
terima kasihhh la korg semua. muah muah.

* Pemerhatian dan penilaian yang sangat tajam
harap2 boleh diapply dalam science. kehkeh. mmg. aku akan nilai org, kdg2la. tgk care percakapan, dressing, care socialize. aku tahu sgt tak baek bila judge org based on what we eye, tp kdg2 berguna tau. phrase "dont judge a book by its cover" aku rase hanya boleh digunakan untuk jgn pndg sebelah mata terhadap org yg pendiam, yg periang or sifat2 tertentu yg normal, dan jgn merendahkan org yg tak berbody persis model, tak berwajah seindah bidadari. ceh.

sebab org yg periang maybe mempunyai perasaan yg dalam wpon dorg nmpk mcm carefree, and org yg kurang lawa pada pandangan korg maybe indah lagi hati drpd hati org yg merendahkan dorg ni. baru boleh guna peribahasa omputeh tu. tp kalau dah dengar mamat ni lalok ngn slang rempit ckp mcm cool berpakaian jeans lusuh ketat di buku lali, kalau tak rempit lagi tu mmmg taktaulaa. tp jgnla cepat buruk sangka kat org2 yg nmpk tak baek ni, maybe dorg baek dr segi ape2 (semestinya bukan segi merebut awek bertenggek kat motor), dan kite tak baek mcm dorg dr segi ape2. sape tau? ataupon mungkin org yg tak berbaju muka cengkung ngn jarum suntik terlekat kat leher tu bukan penagih, sebaliknya org pakai costume holloween. manusiakan pelik.

* Kecenderungan untuk berdendam jika tidak dikawal
yesss. tapi aku pastikanla bila tetiba aku rase ade anasir jahat dlm diri aku nak bnci sesapa or berdendam atas ape2 yg sape2 buat, aku akan berusaha buang. mmg susah, tp aku cuba. kdg2 aku siap rase lg "asal nak buang? die buat aku. tak salah aku buat balik. kalau tak die akan buat kat org laen, tak sedar2". aku rase takpe buat jahat kat org jahat. mmgla tak elok buat camtu kan. takut bila dah start buat bnda jahat walaupon niat nak berdendam ngn sorg je, tebiat tak baek tu boleh jd hobi plak kan. but still water runs deep u know. jgn coba2 ngn aku. bahaya.

* Suka berangan-angan
selaluuu. aku suka berangan. tayah cerita la kan. berangan muka masuk paper, berangan result peksa, berangan da kerja, berangan nak kawen, berangan pergi angkasa lepas, berangan senang bila nak lalu titian sirat tu, semua aku berangan. smp tak terjangkau sangkaan korg.

* Suka melancong

* Sangat manja dan suka diberi perhatian yang sangat tinggi
manja mesti. dah anak last kan. aku bangga! aku bukan manja yg semua nak, semua kasi ngn spoil tu. aku jenis manja ngn mak aku je. manja yg rasenya budak 15 tahun laen tak ingin nak buat. hekhek. perhatian bolehlaaaaaaaa. aku mase skola rendah kan mcm adela jugak diberi perhatian walaupon sikit, so bila da smp skola skg ni jd kecewa plak awal2 tu. tp skg dpt terima kenyataanla. haha. dasar betul.

* Kelam kabut dalam memilih pasangan
OK INI SGT SALAH. aku seorg yg cerewet. dan aku takkan pnah couple ngn org yg aku baru kenal dan tak pernah berkawan semata2 sebab die hensem. dan aku takkan kawen selagi gaji aku tak byk, selagi hidup aku tunggang langgang baru kerja, selagi aku tak pandai masik dan jd bini org dan aku mesti pilih laki yg stabil kewangannya. fulus la weh. bukan aku ni mata duitan, tp nak stabilkan ekonomi. aku kan bila kawen da ade anak aku nak benti keja, so kenala cari laki yg gaji 5 angka ke kan, takdela aku suap anak aku makan pasir. sayang mmg la sayang kalau da susah blaja tetiba dok dapur je, tp aku rase tak lengkap hidup kalau aku tak jg anak2 aku betul2.

aku nak jd cam mama, diela ajar aku ngaji, diela ajar aku abc, math, diela ajar aku camne nak buat itu ini. aku tak pnah masuk pratadika, mama ajar aku sendiri semua bnda smpla bila aku kat tadika alhamdulillah aku lancar mengaji dan membaca. semua sebab mama, bukan cikgu yg dibayar. sobsob. tetiba masuk topik laen. kesimpulannya, AKU SGT TAK TERKINJA2 NAK BERCOUPLE APATAH LG KELAM KABUT PILIH LAKI. kalau ade, ade. kalau takde sudah. aku takkan dan taknak jd desperate mcm sesetengah pompuan, amin.

* Suka dengan hiasan rumahtangga
sukaaa sgt. dan aku akan pastikan yg rumah aku bersih. aku ni sgt organized orgnya. kalau mak aku tak kesah, sumbat je sana sini barang asalkan nmpk kemas. aku tak boleh, aku kena ade tmpt specific utk letak itu ini, tak boleh maen sumbat2 campur2. pantang weh. aku nak taknak even malas pon kalau rumah sepah aku akan kemas. tak boleh tak kemas. taktau asal.

boleh naek histeria bila tgk bnda tak penting still campak merata2. surat dah lepas tarikh nak simpan, gerammm. malangnya aku ni sebumbung ngn manusia yg tak kesah rumah cam sarang tikus, so sabar jelaaa. bila aku kemas, sekelip mata berterabur balik. ya allahhh. bila aku kemaskan barang2 die, bila tak jmpe mengamuk. yg kau buat perangai mcm org dok bawah jambatan tu buatpe? aku kemas, kau marah. tanak aku usik handle la sendiri!

* Punya bakat seni dalalm bidang muzik
dah lama dah aku tau tu. cume tak minat je nak masuk af. muahaha.

* Kecenderungan pada benda yang istimewa dan baik
memangglaa. ade sape2 suka bnda buruk? maybe ade la kot, atas dasar "i'm a teenager. i want to rebel. lets do drugs". banyak kes camni skg. tau salah pon tp atas alasan 'live life to the max' tah hape2 tu, terus nak cuba semua bnda. alasan zaman remaja hanya sekali. mmgla cik abg akak oii, kalau dah sekali tu kau rosakkan, boleh undo? tak dpttt. aku suka je bnda yg baek2 dan istimewa2. salu aku nak bnda dlm kategori ni. sgt tak sedar diri sebenarnya ye aku ni.

* Jangan terlalu mengikut selera atau perasaan.
jangan mengikut selera = gemuk
jangan mengikut perasaan= ikut hati mati ikut rase binasa.
faham2. insyaallah, i'm trying my best each day. i sort of prone to feel some feelings even the bad ones, but as long as that doenst heart other people la. i can face it if i'm alone suffering, but i cant if i make other people suffer.



banyakkk?? panjang??? blog aku. sukatila. takesah pon kalau org tak bacee. and it came across me, that i've said too much. not in words, but in revealing myself. it is a disgrace to me when i reveal too much about myself. i feel like i'm naked now, that nothing is hidden, nothing is dear anymore when i've revealed things i hardly spoken of. i just want to share and to make myself clear about myself, because sometimes i even cant understand this soul. but somehow i feel shame. i want to be the old ama, but i also want to express myself.

this will be another inner dilemma that i will face each time i draw the heart inside.


"the code is never to fulfill, its just a guideline"

that was something i picked out from POTC : the curse of the black pearl. read and see the meaning as i do, only doing so will make u know the conclusion for this time.

thanks reading this extremely long post,
if any of u do not skipped along the sentences.

Kawan itu camne?

i made a lot of friends when i was in my primary school. girls and boys, in the class and out of the class, same batch or not, and other people. many i considered best friends as well. my best friends back then were not only the groups called whatever and nevermind, my circle wasnt that small.

i accepted the tittle best friends easily.



sikit2 best friend. how everything was easy and childish. budak2 skola rendah, biasela. best friends forever, one of the words. senang sgt jdkan org bestfriend. without knowing what the term actually means. yes if u look up in the dictionary, acquaintance, friends and associates may have the same meaning, but they mean differently to me. dulu bangga je bila org panggil kite bestfriend. weh kite ade lima belas besfren, awk ade spoloh je hahaha. having lots of bestfriends were great, but my feeling now is 'great' too.

if we were best friends back then, we are still best friends now. the past tense wouldnt take place. well of course tak semuaa, tp kebanyakan. best friends dont leave, bestf riends dont forget, best friends dont ignore. everything would be the same even when i went to serting, even when we are in different schools, classes, even when we have found new friends, the bond of so called best friend would still be there.

but now? look at us. baru setahun dua tak jmpe dah buat tak kenal and we called ourselves bestfriend??? bffla konon.


actually the term itself is special. as special as the term lover is. no wonderla budak2 sekarang senang2 guna term best friend mcm panties pakai buang, sebab dorg dah biase dengan term 'clash'. best friends and lovers should be special, not the ones u'll left one day. its just i want to make it clear, how best friends and lovers shouldnt be treated that way. how best friends shouldnt be treated as if they were your lovers. but mine did, so i would say i have been dumped many times. great eh? takyah couple pun.


biasenya lepas zaman kite sesama, kite blah. die blah. then perkataan kawan baik itu pon blah pergi tong sampah. sayangkan? pada aku bnda2 precious ni, tak dpt nak describe ngn perkataan tau. tapi the closest word to what i'm talking about is bestfriend. and it is universal. so kalau kau tak rase tu best friend, kalau kau rase kau perlukan die time korg together2 je, jgn pggl best friend. ok?


i myself now do not use too may terms of best friends in my life. sbb rapat tak bermakna bestfriends, dan kalau aku tak cakap kau best friend aku tak bermakna aku tak anggap kau bestfriend. mungkin sebab aku taknak org lain kecik hati. the point is i dont let u know everything. and maybe u never bother to question about this crap kan, so it's not really a prob to u la kan. bestfriend tak bestfriend, kawan je la ye tak?

hargai perkataan tu sendiri, before kau hargai sesapa. rapat rapat jelaa, tp jgn senang2 nak iktiraf sape2 sbg ape2. best friend ke, lover ke, sama je, strong terms tu.

but then, after all these years of friendship and whatever the term is, after all these years of meeting people and watching them fade away while i'm still vividly here. i learn something. people do move on. it's just something WE do. maybe keadaan tak mengizinkan untuk jadi rapat (tp siotla kan kpd org2 yg aku dah try nak rapat semula tp buat tak layan), sape tau?

cuma dlm tak rapat tu, jgn la lupa org yg korg pernah create memories bersama. aku tak pnah lupa dorg. and i never regret calling them bestfriends, never regret may i say wasting the tittle, never regret loving them, even when they care nothing about me now. it is because, people coming and leaving is just the norm of life. something we cant change. they leave with their promisess, it's just unavoidable.

it has happened to me, still happening and will always happen. it's just the matter of time. i have to accept it.

so why not, before they move on and YOU move on, share your days together, create little fantastic memories, spend the precious moments with laugh and care and love. their presence in your life may change something, may bring some silver linings, and so will their leaving someday. just remember everything happens for a reason.

if u put the saying into your perspective, u may be ready for the unprepared. dont be afraid of meeting people and knowing them, before they go, mark another name in your life. u r lucky enough if u get a name which u will treasure forever. so just, despite of my babbling, just let's get back to basic; kawan biar seribu. okay? but of course no matter how precious friends and lovers are, dont ever apply this concept of friendship into a relationship sudahla.

berkawan biar seribu, berkasih biar satu.

aku rase aku baru di'dumped' dua hari lepas. mula2 aku feelingla jap, then aku just tak fikir pape dah. die dah pergi, die dah bosan, die dah taknak kwn ngn aku. ye aku kesah, tp aku takdela meratap. aku takkan lupakan kenangan menggamit memori bersama, tp aku tak pernah benci sape2 bila dorg tinggalkan aku. senang kate aku taula limit bila nak sedih. aku dah jadi biase. aku dah tau one day dorg akan pergi gak, and aku bukanla jenis tak rasional or logikal nak harap bukan2.

it's just another name in my life, the history repeats itself again. u are just another name that left, still i never want to erase u away. despite my hesitation everytime i pictur ur face, everytime i refuse to remember, u r still in here. cuma dgn aku kau bertuah wahai budak, kalau kite fall apart mcmtu je, takde reason, pintu hati aku terbukak lg untuk terima kalau kau sudi nak jenguk aku. aku bukan jenis nak tendang org sesuka hati kalau org tu tak sakitkan hati aku tahap aku merana gila.

i think i have been positive nowadays. i have met people i consider close friends, and people who consider me as a best friend, but i have to be the one who waits for the calls and the texts. i have to be the one who is left behind. menyedihkan ya, tp selepas beberapa pengalaman, dah jd biase tau? each time i find a new friend, i just want to have the max with them, and then wait till they do the leaving. everyone will leave, everyone will move on.

maybe in our case, maybe u will.
or maybe i will,
we'll never know.

so lets just get down and boogie,
treat each friendship u find worth fighting for like no other,
just buang yg keruh ambil yg jernih even when u know it might not last long,
give and take,
learn something from this one,
make it worth crying for
pray for the period of the bond,
pray for the impossible,
dont afraid to say 'forever' again
dont afraid to dream,
before one of us moves on first.

be positive and look at every friendship and 'clash' brightly,
and if you look at life like that,

you are ready for the unexpected.

but of course, pandangan2 di atas hanyalah sesuai untuk diapplykan pada friendship yg elok2 saje, janganla korg kawan ngn org yg tak patut pastu buat mcm tu. sangat tak seswaaiiiiiii ok.

tapi kalau korg kawan ngn aku takpe.

'never leave a friend' stock is guaranteed,
insyaallah =)

Kenduri dan Kisah Lama

post ni sebenarnya sepatutnya ditulis smlm, so aku guna tense 'tadi' instead of 'semalam'. tau??

mama ckp, malam ni ade kenduri arwah untuk maktok (aku pnah cerita psl maktok kat *tekan sini*). aku mcm ok, pape arh, kem slm kat mereka semua. then mama ckp

"anak maktok yg anak die pilot ngn lawyer tu call mama sendiri, die kate dtglaa ajak nurul, dah lama dorg tak tgk nurul. dah die ajak personally taleh tolak laa"

gulp. that instance i knew although she didnt voice it; i had to go. malaaass. malam weh, and frankly kian aku membesar ni, kian tak banyaklah aku bergaul dengan society kat sini. kalau dulu mama gi berzanji beli ikan semua aku ikot jln terkedek2 ngn baju gown, sekarang tidak lagi. budak nak membesarla katekan. huhu. tapi peliknya dlm malas2, kali ni aku tak gunakan mana2 alasan dlm 'alasan untuk lari' list aku. aku mcm, ok nnt ayu gosok baju. aku pelik asal aku rajen plak mlm ni. tp whateverlakan, tu bukan cerrnya. laen la klu aku tetiba jmpe mamat baek kat sane, bolela jd cerr. tp aku xjmpe sape2 pon selain bapak2 org kat sane.


mama rupanya siap dah sediakan baju utk aku, so aku tade jalan utk melarikan diri. pulak dah, mak aku gi kasi baju kurung yang kaler meriah gila, ngn tudung kuning yg mcm nak gi rombongan meminang, atau menerima rombongan meminang, bg kes aku la. aku pon mcm, eh. kate nak gi kenduri arwah, takkanla pki mcm nak pg kenduri mawi plak ni. malu laa aku, semangat sgt buatpe. tp mak aku kan overoptimistic, die ckp takpee, anak dara org tak kesah. hah, jgn pasni org ingat mak aku bwk aku jalan sbb nak promote anak dara die sudahh.




bila sampai, the usual
"ehh besar dah dieee.."
"dulu bawah bontot auntie jee"
"anak dara dahh ni"
"besar panjang dah awk ye"
tak ketinggalan
"comeyy noo anak hang niii"
betul. mulalaa semua auntie nak picit pipi aku, eh ni spesel for limited people onlylah. haha.

bila masuk rumah, gosh. depan tv, terduduklah tokngah, suami kpd arwah maktok. die duduk sgt depan tv, tau, i meannn deppaaannn tv mcm budak2 laki cukup umo yg tekapkan muka bila tgk americas next top model tuh. tapi tokngah tak tgk tulaa, die tgk berita. tah asal aku rase sedihhh sgt. mcm, weh sedihlah. ape cerr die skg? sape jage makan minum die? agaknya die rindu tak sup ayam maktok? tokngah ni tak mkn bnda laen, die mkn sup ayam maktok je. so tiap ari tiap meal time la maktok kena masak sup ayam. rase sebak lak tengok tok ngah, ya allah.
then die bgn, menuju ke arah aku. so dejavu. sekali lg berlaku ayat2 auntie2 di atas.
aku senyum jelaa die ckp2. pastu die kate kat mak aku
"die maluu. pemalu die ni yee"
hoho. mane tak malu weh bila kena sapa camtu. aku pon tersengeh2 smbl pandang bwh.
mcm pelakon biase buat bila kena ngorat ngn hero hensem. segan2 gatal namanya.
cuma bg kes aku kali ni, istilah tu sgt tak tepat.

then kat berita tunjuk arh kesah perkahwinan mawi, serta merta sorg auntie ni berteriak
"berita mawi! weh berita mawi! sape nak tgk cepat sikit!" ke seluruh tingkat satu rumah tu.
mulalaa kepala2 keluar dr dlm bilik, pintu dapur, tak ketinggalan kepala dua org budak pompuan dr bwh meja membalas "mawiii????"
sepantas maxis broadband dorg smp dok depan tv. haha. sumpah kecoh family tu. aku sukaa sgt. mcm kecoh gila semuorg, cool and sempoi je.

pastu aku ternmpk kelibat tiga org yg aku kenal; ajot, ajin dan turah(tentunya bkn nama sbenar mahupun petname mereka). ajot dan ajin adek bradek, turah pula sepupu mereka. ajot dan turah setahun lg tua dr aku, ajit lak setahun lg muda. ajit siap cium tgn aku lg, dan senyum ngn comel sekali. aku suka ajit. bkn sbb aku les, tp sbb kalau kat skola pon bila nmpk aku die akn senyum, maybe sbb aku pon senyum. pdhal aku takla rapat ngn die mcm aku pnah rapat ngn ajot. ye, aku dulu sgt rapat ngn ajot, tp skg bila jmpe kat skola aku cube pndg dan senyum kat die dan hai, tp die tak pndg aku. padahal dulu aku dan ajot pnah geng. tp skg aku taktaula, die ingat tak mase2 tu, ke die da lupe terus mcm die lupe camne nak senyum kat aku. bukanla die kejam sgt smp tak pedulikan aku, tp die hanya akan bertindak balas bila kitorg dah terstuck kat tempat sama, atau bila aku usha hot die. tapelah. aku dapati turah lg frenly wp aku pn tapenah rpt ngn die.

mulalaa aku terkenangkan masa2 dulu. dulu aku salu dtg rumah maktok. nnt lari2 naek bilik atas dengan ajot maen barbie yg konon kencing dlm bekas bunga telur yg kitorg bygkan sbg jamban. barula aku sedarkan, yg budak2 ni mmg kreatif. smpikan mancis pon boleh jd eyeshadow, tp bila apply byk kali kat mata pon still takde kaler pape. harap merah kat situ je lebeh. aku dulu pnah naek buaian baby kat rumah tu, dan mmg patut pon aku jatuh kepala terhempas ke jubin lantai. aku menanges dan terus malu nak dtg rumah tu. hmm.

maktok had a good old life, people remember her in unforgettable memories. people miss her, whenever there is any occasion like this kenduri arwah, relatives and families and friends and neighbours and acquaintances will talk about her, remember her in the sweetest ways. they'll talk like she's also there, like the lost never occured. i smiled at the thought. i know maktok would be happy to see people werent grieving anymore for her, but i know its an impossible thing to do so. we cant blame people for mourning over the dead, it only reminds me of this quote i read from harry potter and the deathly hallows, from the insight of albus dumbledore;

"dont pity the dead, harry. pity the living"

it was thoughtful. what he said was right. people often feel sorry for the dead, but why do so?
yeah he'd got lot more to achieve, lot more to apologize, but he's gone. gone is gone, your words of sympathy wont bring him back. but do pity for the living, for the ones he left behind. for the ones he left when lives for them hasnt even started. for the ones whose lives will be difficult without his presence. pity the living, as they are the ones who will suffer the consequences, feel the burdens heaving from day to day, the ones who taste the pain of loosing.

krekkk, terbabas. back to the story. pastu aku nmpk laa ajot, ajin dan turah dan banyak lg sedara sebaya dorg yg aku tak kenal. dorg berkumpul, bersembang sebagai budak pompuan remaja yg ade banyak topik untuk dihamburkan. aku jeles tgk dorg. aku jeles kpd org2 yg ade sedara sebaya untuk bersembang. untuk meluahkan masalah, perasaan. untuk bercerita tentang life. untuk berkongsi pengalaman. untuk mengejar kembali memori yg telah dilakar suatu tika dahulu. ayat skema. tp betol lah. aku ade banyakkk sepupu. tp dorg semua besar2. semua da beranak pinak. means aku mcm takde sepupu. sepupu yg korg ade, yg korg boleh berckp pasal bnda yg korg boleh ckp. zaman2 camtu milik sepupu aku dah berlalu. dorg kalau jmpe abg2 aku mesti cerita psl bnda yg org berkedut buat. memandangkan aku ni muda remaja, aku pon malas nak dengar. dan aku pon blur. dudukla aku sorg2 diri kat situ taktau ape nak buat.

aku tak pnah langsung rase ape rasenya bila ade cousin2 sebaya.
bila ade org nak ckp smpi latenight bila sleepover.
bila ade org untuk test baju raye sesama.
bila ade org untuk buat cake sesama.
bila ade org nak maen mercun together2.
bila ade org nak recommend kan mana2 pakwe.
haha bukanla aku nak pon, tapi sekadar perencah alam remaja nak saje2 cerita pasal bnda tak guna kan. aku jeles betul kat org yg bila besar nnt bole story pasal kisah dulu2 mcm

"haha kau ingat tak tikah dulu, die cubit matyun smp nanges budak tu. pastu angah marah then tarik telinga tikah smbl terkeluar lidah, haha. maziah lak kan cucu pompuan aki yg first, kitorg semua laki, dulu maen same2 jelaa ngn kitorg. bila kitorg line nak kencing tepi sungai die pon line sekali bukak sepentot. then tanye wancho asal die tade ape kitorg ade. lawak betul!"

hah. tu kisah abg2 aku ngn sepupu2 sezaman dorg. best ja, sekarang semua da kawen beranak pinak. pastu bila abg aku cerita camtu kat laki kak maziah, mesti kak maziah kate kat laki die jgn percaya, best je tgk dorg. aku manela ade zaman camtu. dan takkan ade. haihh.

agaknya aku boleh masuk ngn dorg nnt bila aku da beranak pinak je.
and by that time dorg dah bercucu lak.
still takleh catch up. haiii naseb badan.

hm. panjang plak blog aku. kalau aku tak stopkan diri aku, mmg aku takkan benti.
so baek aku stopkan diri aku.

*ching ke chingggg

-post has ended-

Kemusykilan dalam Twilight Saga

i feel so hurt, in many ways. i dont know what the major pain is, but i'm sure something leads me to feel mad easily. something is wrong. and i dont know what. even if u correct me for my dumb mistake, i would take it as hurtful. i'm sorry, its not your fault, its mine, i would say.

okeh. tetiba nak tulis pasal twilight.

edward cullen skg dah jadi pujaan ramai perempuan, dok meleleh air liur kat wayang tu. kat situ je cukup ah, tapayah la excited sgt "mama mia! omg, hensem gila babi laa si robert tu! oh, bapak hensem, hensem hensem!! nak histeria aku tgk nih! awhhhh~".

jadi meluat tau.

yelaa. aku pon tau die hensem. tp, ckp sekali dua cukup. ni aku banyak mengusha myspace org skg, berapa juta kali ni agungkan mamat tu. dorg bukan actually minat kat twilight, tapi minat kan kehenseman hero die. pleaselaa. jadi tak suka tau?

ye panas mmg panas ape aku ckp ni, tp kalau korg bace betul2, korg maybe takkan terasa membuta tuli au. so, cuba reflect diri, tgk korg ni dah berperangai camne. kalau still rase korg ni ok, tayah terasa. or kalau nak senang sgt, tanye aku, aku ade ckp pasal korg ke?? haa conferm takkan ade salah paham.

kalau korg suka die sbb die hensem, takpe, fine. ni sampai nak pi habaq pi mai pi mai bwatpa?? aku pon minat edward kot, but the one that in the book, not the one the girls are freaking crazy about. memanglaa lumrah kite kaum hawa ni pantang tengok makhluk hensem mulalaa macam2 perangai timbul, tapi beragak ar kan. jgn la bagi nmpk mcm gedik sangat.

ckp pandang2 ah, nak puja pon tayah la menggeletis. aku dpt bayangkan kalau aku jmpe budak2 ni, mesti terlompat2 dorg nak story. hesh. tak salah. tapi beragak. da bape kali aku ulang ni. aku pon maybe tak sedar aku dah tergedik dlm meminati edward, so aku sorry. tapi aku rase aku pon kalah kalau nak compare ngn dorg ni.

and bersempena kegilaan budak2 perempuan kat twilight, aku ade ANOTHER THING TO CONDEMN; kat new moon, adela mentioned yg bella ni sort of 'immune to the vampires' abilities' ah.

kan bila die jmpe the volturi, yang aro tu ckp power dorg taboleh guna atas bella. mcm edward taboleh dgr ape bella fikir, yg aro ni taboleh nampak hidup bella, and jane taboleh baling bella mcm die baling edward. so mcm, vampire taboleh guna special abilities dorg ke atas bella kan. aro said it himself didnt he? i'm sure he did.

tapi yg musykilnya,
asal alice boleh nampak future bella?
asal jasper boleh tenangkan bella?
asal james boleh track bella?
asal ade plak power vampire yg boleh guna atas bella, ade yg tidak?
walhal si volturi tu dah ckp, bella was immune to other 'talents', tapi die tak immune kat alice, jasper and james? aku harap adela jawapan ni somewhere, maybe ni yg boleh jadi persoalan besar dlm twilight, drpd kesalahan kecik tapi annoying si stephenie.

somewhat i'm sure the answer is out there, mustahil org yg menulis tak perasan flaw die.

Saya Tak Suka Tuisyen.

aku dgn suspiciousnya text si nawanajibbb (qalaqalah) sebab dekat profile ms die tulis 'sibuk' berapa puluh kali tah, so without further buang masa aku text dile tanye ape yg die seboknya and demanded that she answer it truthfully.

pastu die reply

"yg tu dh berabad lah. kt tau ape awk fkr. kt bkn bz study. jgn risau. bahaha."

krg hasem pnya kawan. mana plak die tau kemusykilan aku ni berpunca drpd apa. memang. memang. memang. memang aku cuak kalau2 die study. aku mengaku! bukan die aje, aku akan cuak bila ade makhluk yg study. kalau aku tak study (alamatnya mundurla negara kite kalau semua org nak tunggu aku study).

wani dah study form three tapi aku tak sentuh pape pon. satu2nya bab form three yg aku dah agak expert ialah 'reproduction', science. die tuisyen. so agak reasonable lah kan bila org mcm aku yg malas nak tuisyen ni tak blaja pape lagi utk pmr. sebab aku tak pergi tuisyen, adela alasan kan.

kadang2 aku rase org yg pergi tuisyen ni berlaku tidak adil terhadap org yg tak pergi tuisyen. yelaa, dorg dpt pelajaran tambahan, org tak tuisyen tak dpt. haaa. mana la adil kan? patutnya blaja kat skola cukup. tak paham asal rajen sgt nak blaja bertambah2 ni. k fine nak tingkatkan kefahaman, tapi kenapa masa cuti? kenapaaa?


bukan semua org boleh pergi tuisyen. ade yg tak mampu, tahap ketersampaian rendah, ade yg tade transport, ade yg fobia kelas luar waktu persekolahan macam aku, manela tau?

sekarang ni aku tak tau nak tuisyen kat mana. and aku er, malas. sekolah lapan jam sehari beserta prep tu pun aku dah tak mampu nak tahan, ni plak tuisyen. alahai, penat kot.


budak tak pernah tuisyen. manela nak biase. upsr dulu pon yo-yo-o je nak tuisyen, tapi tak. sampai sekarang rimas bila fikir pasal hal tuisyen ni. kalau kawan2 aku jenis baik hati tak kedekut kertas soalan bocor nak kasi aku, takpela kalau aku tak tuisyen kan. ni kalau dorg yg jenis

"padan muka, malas sgt nak tuisyen, ngumpat aku lagi, tanak belanja aku, cubit aku, haa skg kau kecundangla pmr ni. muahahah!"


tapi aku tau, kawan2 aku semua baik2 belaka,
kan korg kan???? *battling eyelashes

skg ni mama tak habis habis

"tulaaa, kalau stay kat mrsm, tak payah mama pening fikir nak hantar tuisyen mane. masa blaja dah cukup, tak risau dah. kang result tak bagus mama gak kena. sape suruh kuar"

aikk. aku plak. ni suratan takdirla ma.


satu lg, ade kawan2 asrama, siap pergi tuisyen cuti2 sukaria ni. ish. sgt tak boleh jadi kerajinan dorg ni haaa. dah dok mrsm tu jgn ah gi tuisyen, ya allah.

tukar topik ya.

aku skg, due to the laziness to join any tuition class and to finish my never-ending-hw, i am learning another art of life; cooking. yesss you read it right, this anak dara haa, is going to cook! menurut pemerhatian abg2 aku yg tahap cipan cerewetnya, dorg dah puas hati dgn skill mengemas-tanpa-disuruh aku, so skg ade baiknya aku blaja masak.


bak kata mak aku
"a way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

huhu. mak aku kalau kat dapur tu mestila

"haaa, potong tu elok2, nnt tulaa yg mak mentua nak tgk, bukan muka ke saiz pinggang ke ape"

satu bnda best masuk dapur ngn mak aku ni, die mesti tetiba ckp pasal kawen. konon menaikkan semngat aku untuk memasakla, agak benar gak ah. yang boringnya, aku sorg je anak dara kat rumah tu. jadi boring tau masuk dapur. org laen yg ada adik beradik pompuan kat rumah, mesti seronok compete sape masak terer, baling2 tepung ke. aku sorang2 je.

sekarang aku plan nak masak benda yg aku suka dulu, bagi expert barula masak benda lain. so far yg aku pass; masak ikan goreng/keli masak sambal, ngn sambal belacan resipi turun temurun mak aku je. yg lain tu mesti mama kena "kurangkan!","letak lagi!","jgn kacau ingat tu dodol ke ape!", mesti ade yg salah.


takpe, learning takes time.

and, another news,
i am going
to
wear
spectacles!!!

prepare to meet the brand new specky amalina wohoo!!!

aku ni salu sgt pening n pedih mata, haru betul. tak sangka aku rabun. punahla harapan aku utk jadi pilot. angah dulu cita2 nak jadi pilot, dah serious dah ni, tetiba tak dpt sebab rabun. hua, gene ke ape aku ni nak rabun tetiba.

ingat lagi, kenangan di mrsm ~~

dulu aku dan si roommate bernama amirah, sering ah mcm

"huaa. aku nak pki speck ah. kau pon teringin? smart kan? jalan bawak buku, pakai speck, nmpk cam budak pandai je, budak mrsm, padahal HARAM!! {gelak terbahak2} tulah, mcm bangga kan pakai speck, konon bagus je. jom rabun nakk??"

memang bnda paling cool la konon time tu bagi aku dan die, tapi bnda paling bodoh skg bagi aku, si rabun ni. i wonder how her eyes are right now. hope they are more pitiful than mine, after all she's the one yg menyemarakkan lagi semangat gila aku ni. hah.

pastu dulu saje laa time nak buat kerja or bace novel en, kan ade tmpt sangkut utk lekat beg or baju or tudung or towel tu kan, kat situ aku sangkut torchlite, tadaaaa, startla aku hadap buku dalam bilik gelap bersuluhkan lampu kecil itu. konon brilliant la tu, nak rabun, nak pakai speck, nak bajet nmpk nerd.


skg aku yg merana pedih mata. hesh.

Angah Emonku Pulang Dari Kota

semalam angah dr new zealand yg balik malaysia sebulan je balik sarawak pulak di mana terdptnya kampung halaman isteri tercinta. tak semena mena aku rase sedih. nak nanges pulak. c'mon arh, dorg bukan nak balik nz utk 2 tahun before balik msia balik kan? yet. dorg just balik sarawak for two weeks, bila balik sini tinggal 8 hari utk dorg dok ngn kitorg then dorg akan balik new zealand utk 2 tahun before balik msia balik.

despite rase tidak selesa yg bertakung di dada whenever anak2nya speaking with a very thick accent, i'll be missing them like hell. its not everyday ok bila rumah aku penuh. bila ade nephew yg suka berak setiap kali lepas makan, bila ade niece yg still ckp sorg2 dlm english walaupon die dah 8 tahun, bila ade abg yg keluar rumah tak mandi sbb da biase mcm tu kat nz, bila ade kakak ipar yg cool dan aku rapat since aku lahir dan pandai masak, bila ade an extra family yg memporak perandakan rumah. tp mesti aku nanges bila dorg tade. dah terbiase agaknya dgn ketidakbiasaan ini. huaaa :((

nnt bila dorg tade
sape aku nak buli?
sape aku nak suruh amekkan air?
sape aku nak suruh bwk jln2?
sape aku nak suruh msk western sedap2?
sape nak amek buku aku then korek gigi guna cover die?
sape nak kentut dpn aku?
sape nak cukai suruh aku suap die?


its not everyday i dont feel lonely. its not everyday i have a hand of help to take me whenever i need to go. its not everyday life is like this. i'm missing them already.

raya aidiladha aritu, is the day SEMUA kitorg ade. dgn baby baru anak uda si ikmal sayang, dgn kakak ipar baru bini ateh yg gatal sgt nak kawen, semuaaa ade. semuaa pakai lawa2 pergi tgkp gambar kat kedai. no one was missing. my family is perfect again. i have a bad feeling whenever something good happens.

bila lg kitorg nak together2 camni? boleh ke? can we make it till next two years? after angah come home again? will there be another family picture where everyone is present?

babah as an exception i could handle, but please make our family permanently this way. just let us cherish the new born and my future husband, not moping over a. . stupid i cant even mouth it, let alone write it. not now, not in 20 years come.

not when i'm dangling here.

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i discovered albums of old pics yg angah bawak balik dr rumah lama die. its not like takde lgsg gambar lama kat rumah aku, sealmari lagi. tp tah asal, rase nak masukkan plak gambar2 ni dlm blog ni. and ceritalaa serba sedikit tentang sejarah gambar kan.

enjoy ;D

time ni angah nak nikah. kat LONDON tu, tempat kak ija study. angah study kat US. alasan kawen muda yg dorg ; sebab abg aku ade admirer dan kak ija saspen serta angah takot kak ija kena pinang org laen, dan mengelak kan maksiat. eceh. tgk sikit tarikh, time tu aku baru 3 tahun. tinggi takk?? dahh ckp.

mati aku kalau angah tau aku letak gambar ni kat blog. haha. dorg pon ade blogspot jugak, dah jgn gi report. ciuman pertama tu. indahnya perkahwinan. hihik.

welcome to my past. pergi mane2 je mesti beli mainan. kat rumah aku dulu, kat tepi rumah memang spot khas utk aku. ade satu meja panjang, atas tu memang dunia akula. ade mainan masak2, meja makan, barbie kecik2 yg boleh kencing dlm jamban love, dapur, blender yg mmg boleh guna, teko, cawan, donut, plastisin yg bole buat mee, semuaa ade tau tak!

memang susun baek utk aku. mak aku ta pnah simpan. petang2 nnt mesti ade cucu nenek sebelah ramai2 dtg main ngn aku. padahal dorg da besar. pastu mak aku kate mesti nnt aku masak2 konon2 buat mi dgn plastisin pastu kasi babah n mama rase. huhu, rindunya. nmpk tak bag pink tu?? bag tu lawaaa. first handbag aku, tp aku TERhilgkan time ikot mama beli ikan. sedihnyaaaa. beli kat US, tetiba ilang kat lembah keramat.

i miss those days bila abg2 aku kurus nak mati. sekarang, masyaallah. and rambut dorg pon panjang, bajet sejuk sgtla kat US tu. aku ingat ade satu hari ni, aku baru smp kat sana). time tu aku tido, tp aku dengar suara org ckp2 depan muke aku. ade org maen2 rambut aku. pastu aku dengar suare uda. time tu aku nak nages, sbb rindu sgt kot. then ade org kate

"die da bangunlaa"
"cube korek idung die"

so adela satu jari tu masuk idung aku pastu dorg gelak2. bila aku bukak mate je, aku terus nanges bila nmpk dorg tiga. rindunya masa2 dulu, haihhh.

time ni kitorg nak balik msia dah. aku sedih nak tinggalkan angah semua. mase aku kecik, diela plg sayang aku, jage aku. tp sekarang, harem. haha. dah bertahun aku tak jejak kaki kat sane, adeh sedihnya. mmg fairytale aku mase kecik je, mkn besar, mkn hilang semua yg best.

aku dan amer, anak sedara first, anak angah. kesian, diri pon kecik lg da ade anak sedare. isk isk. aku baru lima tahun. mak sedare muda la katekan.

anak sedare ke-2, anak angah gak. budak nila yg ckp sorg2 dlm english, accent terlebih. plg taboleh blah die ingat sape2 yg tak speaking cam die, tak phm english. tapi tape, ayu akan rindu korg walau camne menjengkelkan pon korg ni.

jgn tanye asal aku pakai inai. memang suka kot. skg je taboleh sbb nnt pengawas yg buat line tu tahan; kacau betul. tiga anak sedara, back then, skg ni nk masuk tujuh. masyaallah keturunan bapak aku ni, harap2 aku dapatla gene itu. muehehee

gambar mahal ni. mana lg nak tgk tudung aku camtu? ni time sukaneka tadika amal, 6 tahun. budak2 tudung camni pon nmpk comel kan? perasan. tp kalau aku skrg buat perangai camni, tak lalu nak tgk muka sendiri. huahua. ye betul, tu adek mosen tepi tu. mosen sesi pagi, aku n adek die sesi petang. dulu kitorg kawan tau, tah die ingat tak lg.

sekianlaa buat mase ini. terima kasih sudi menatap =)

Perasan dan Poyokah Aku?

baru habes ber-new moon semalam.

one thing i want so badly ; utk jacob black the jake i adore now tu mati dan menyebabkan bella sengsara berguling sedar akan kesalahan die.


friendship is the most precious gift in the world. unlike family although it is the best thing you can have (kpd siapa yg bertuah), friendship grows, its your choice to plant it or not. its your 'achievement'. when u pick u lover over your bestfriend, its your loss.



and, there's something confusing in twilight saga. pasal treaty tu. mcm berbelit bercanggah. i hope there is a clear explanation out there. nothing would ever be confusing in harry potter though. everything will have a brilliant explanation. the author doesnt have us strangled with the words, the answer will be given later and that's what made it the best.


kalau dlm harry potter, kite takkan perasan ape yg crucial tau. kadang2 ayat or perkataan yg kite ingat bnda biasa pon sebenarnya banyak rahsia. cerita atau fakta yg kite lepas pandang pon boleh jadi the key to all the answer. in harry potter, we dont know what to expect. everything was so. . . carefully done. good job jk rowling.

benda yang memang the most unlikely to happen sebenarnya tu lah yg terjadi. benda yg kite rase mengarut, benda yg konon kite confirm tak boleh jadi, tu lah yg terjadi. benda yg memang mustahil, tp jk rowling buat bnda mustahil tu jd reasonable. macam everything happens for a reason, nothing is impossible in her world.

and even kadang bnda yg memang dah tercotok depan mata tu, bnda tula yg essential.
we sometimes refuse to believe, we say 'it wont be because it is too obvious, she wont make it that easy for us to figure out'. tapi tak semua nya predictable. bila bnda tu dah tersurat, kite nak jugak cr yg tersirat, tapaayh korek dalam2, jk rowling dah letak atas tu.

that's why i loveee harry potter. full ofquestions to be answered and mysteries to be cleared and secrets to be revealed. kadang2 je jalan cerita tu semua org tau semua bnda, semua yg terjadi. selalu sgt ade gap, but then at last the gap is filled with the best of the choice. how i envy how her brain works. how she can create a whole new, undiscovered world without any confusion. how she can create a story as so good no words can describe as harry potter.

geez i'm an addict.

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pagi ni aku mimpi. aku mimpi secara tiba2 ade banyak budak maktab aku kat sekolah aku. ni kali kedua oh. tp mimpi yg ni, ramai gila bdk maktab aku. diorg buat line nak masuk dewan for something, tp aku still boleh namekan dorg. i didnt forget even a soul.

but some of them didnt wear tudung, i wonder why. and some of them even wore skimpy2 semua, i wonder why. maybe tu sebenarnya symbolic kpd keadaan maktab skrg, drpd ape aku dengar, maktab serting dulu sgt laen ngn sekarang. thank god i've already got my butt out of there.

then i saw fasha, she didnt wear tudung too and she wore a baby tee :((
that time i was so shocked that i could met her again, i thought i only mouth 'fasha amanda' but apparently she heard me. she saw me too, her face was somewhat like she was scared or stunned. but as soon as i took the first step towards her, she ran. die terus lari drpd aku. aku kejar die, jerit nama die, tp die still lari. aku suruh die tunggu tp die lari. i think i remember i was sobbing at that time, when she could no longer be seen and i was exhausted from running.

she didint come back.

i wonder what it meant.

kat budak2 maktab tu, taktau kenapa i wanted to stay hidden. aku taknak jmpe dorg. but at the same time aku nak peluk dorg. time tu dorg nak balik, naek bas, and as the bus drove away,
i started running to catch up with it. but it was useless.

i was left behind.

again.

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ade la sorg kawan ni bgtau, just recently, pasal masa aku baru masuk krk dulu2,
after aku kuar mrsm, budak2 pompuan tak suke aku. dorg ckp aku arrogant.
and naseblah si sumber tu, sebab die yg ckp die yg tiba2 terkena tempias amarah aku.


si sumber ckp budak2 pompuan ckp aku arrogant sebab aku salu ckp pasal mrsm.

. . .

wattefish man??!!!!

aku. arrogant. pasal. aku. salu. ckp. psl. mrsm. nak mengutuk aku kat budak laen pon please have a better and more believable reason.

FIRST,
aku hanya akan berperangai sebegini bila korg tak confront ckp elok2 depan2 dan sebaliknya ckp bnda2 tu kat belakang sekaligus membuka cerita kpd pihak yg tidak berpendapat aku berperangai seperti kata2 korg. itu maksudnya korg dah mempengaruhi seseorg utk berprasangka yg sama terhadap aku, dan kalau korg sedar la kan, korg da dpt dosa bonus tau tak.

tp sekarang aku nak ckp betapa tidak gemarnya aku terhadap org yg berckp belakang pasal aku tetapi berckp baik depan aku. aku tau, korg mungkin taknak ckp depan2 sebab korg takut aku marah, tapi hakikatnya kelukaan itu kurang dan mudah sembuh jika ditegur depan2. takpela, at least kalau korg bersatu padu menegur aku secara baik,
aku mungkin dapat reflect diri dan sedar kesalahan aku, betterkan drpd aktiviti grouping meluahkan perasaan tanpa pengetahuan aku??

jgn fikir negatif, neutralkanlaa perasaan tu. tak susah weh. aku boleh ajar camne taknak bnci org. cube fikir baek. and cubelaa jgn hebohkan ketidaksukaan korg tu kat sape2, aku tau perasaan taksuka tu takleh lenyapkan secepat mungkin, tp jgnlaa hebohkan. nak luahkan perasaan pon jgnlaa ajak ramai2. ni sampai nak ajak kaum adam meluahkan perasaan sekali ape kess?

ni namanya mengumpat.

sorry ATAS KEKASARAN BAHASA, tp korg kena faham.
aku salu berlembut ngn org. biasenya org buat ape kat aku pon aku diam je, aku buat2 taktau wp aku tau. aku senyum je kat dorg.

sekarang tibala masa utk aku membentangkan hujah aku.

korg mesti pernah rase rindu kat 'the old days' kan? terutama sekolah rendah, ahh kenangan yg tak dpt dilupakan kann? sure korg salu terkenang2, teringat2, kalau cam aku, aku pnah nanges ingat semua memori best kat sklk.

aku rindu maktab aku. even 6 bulan je kat sane, tp aku dok 24 jam tau. tau korg sme pandai, cube darab dgn 6 bulan. dpt tak walau 11 bulan kat skola harian? sudahh. aku pon tatau, tade maase aku nak bermath pulak cuti2 ni. tapi dok asrama byk kenangan tau, bykk nak cerita. gembira dan sedih. aku cuma nak luahkan perasaan.

aku nak korg paham je ape aku da rase. aku nak korg paham, tu jee. jgnla ckp aku bongkak bila aku cerita pasal mrsm. ya allah, jauh sekali. kau ingat aku bangga sgt ke dok mrsm? bangga ngn ape jd kat aku? aku da dok sane, aku tau ape yg patut dibanggakan, apa yg tak patut dibanggakan. aku just nak luahkan. tautakk camne aku rindu kat mrsm? tau tak berapa banyak kali aku mimpi mrsm? tau tak perasaan aku?

korg tu perempuan. sebab nilaa mase skola rendah tu aku banyak kawan laki. lepak ngn laki, balik ngn laki. mak aku pon tau. dah korg jgn nak buat cerita baru pasal aku berkenaan statement ni. sebab kalau aku luahkan perasaan kat laki, dorg tak pk sgt. angguk2 je. takpe, walaupon mcm ckp ngn robot. at least dorg manusia.

manusia yg tak pk bukan2. tp perempuan? bukan smua, tp mst ade satu mulut yg tak berapa nak blah ni.

aku bukan tak sedar, aku sedar. bila aku start ckp psl mrsm je, dorg pandang semcm. its in their eyes tau, like i couldnt see that. and i would abruptly stopped. sebab nak senangkan hati dorg. hesh. aku tau dorg tak ske aku buat cmtu. even ade yg bila aku bukak mulut psl mrsm je, mesti ckp smtg like "ahh dah dah". siap ade yg menshoohhs kan aku lg tuuu.

ya allah. aku agak terkecik atila. tp aku senyapkan aje. banyakk kali kalau aku tau ape org ckp psl aku, aku takkan buat muka sedih depan2, aku buat mcm biase. dorg pon taktau yg dorg da terlepas ckp. tp bila aku buat mcm biase dan tak confront tu, aku takdela brainwash sape2 plak.
kebanyakannya aku diamkan aje, taklaa buat satu support group bercerita psl pihak tu.

org ckp aku emo kot bebel panjang camni. tp agaknya aku da lama sabarla. da lama neutralkan segala perasaan aku. at least aku tak tembak direct kan. aku pon tak ske bila ade sape2 terasa bace post ni, aku tak ske org kecik ati ngn aku. nnt aku lak rase bersalah lelebih. bila da terasa mulalaa bermasam muka, mcm2 masalah pulak nnt.

blog ni bukan medan nak tembak sape2, tapi lebih kpd luahan aku sendiri.

jacob black, u gave me a new moon ;D

i AM crying, again for the sake of twilght saga. this time for new moon. wp dah lame ade new moon, tp terima kasihla kpd homework yg berguni, aku still tak dpt habeskan new moon. but somehow new moon has been an inspiration to finish the never-ending-homework. and now i'm almost to the end.

yes, ALMOST. tak habes lagi pon. sekarang tgh stop dekat the last word of the chapter THE FUNERAL, and that's why i'm crying. already even i havent finish the book. when i first have my hand on new moon, when i read each new chapter and the development, my fingers were aching to dance on this keyboard, and my mind had unloaded an unstoppable thoughts. my perception could not be held longer.

okay, first of all things in my mind that i manage to make it clear is that, bella's reaction towards losing edward. believe it or not, i would do the same thing too. i did the same thing to. i mean all the numbness and go on with live so routinely until you appear to be a robot. been there done that. sometimes people think i take something small seriously, but feel nothing about the big one. well what they actually see is myself trying to be empty.

because for me the less we think about it the less pain we'll feel. rather than moping around mourning over your fate, its better to swipe all the thoughts, let it perished in the loneliness. its still there, but locked firmly. but of course, as much as it helps for me to forget the pain and thus to forget everything, it didnt do any help to bella. beyond the numbness edward was still under the blanket. after all she's the one who was in love with the irresistible vampire. we are the girls who choose not to mope around.

second, bella's unawareness that made me screaming towards the books crazily. for god's sake. she's the one in there, she's the one saw that, she's the one heard that. but why do i feel that i actually understand better and quicker? all in her mind was the handsome feature of He Who Must Not Be Named till she overlooked the essential facts. geez, the moment i heard about this sam uley gang, and the abnormal growth of the quileute boys, and the gang jacob was absorbed in, how their steps seemed to take and how they look alike, almost like brothers, if i noticed all that, nevermind the incident in the meadow where they were five huge wolves lining against laurent the bad vampire.

why didnt she see what was really happening to jacob black the one i adore now? he's turning into a werewolfwhy did it take so long for her to put it together? stepehie meyer, u might as well let me be the new bella. haha. she heard it, she knew about the quileute legend, about they descended from wolves, and the werewolves blood ran in them. i cant believe she actually took note of the part on the cold ones and didnt bother on the legend that werewolves and vampires were enemies.

it all made perfect sense. the way the cullens and the blacks look at each other, the way they distaste each other. and when the wolves in the meadow hunted down laurent, i knew it could not been clearer.

actually, i am sure i knew it when i was reading twilight, when i was reading the chapter nightmare. the one nightmare bella had after hearing the tribe myths from jacob. in her dream there was jacob holding back bella from the sunlight when later she would find edward, jacob was asking her to run and suddenly there was no jacob, the was a huge furry creature.

at that instance i knew it was a werewolf, and it was jacob. clearly stated that jacob's ancestors were werewolves. and the dream was such a symbolic to what's happening; jacob the werewolf who detested vampires begged bella to not take further steps, and edward the vampire who detested the werewolves encouraged bella to do so. she was trapped. and i knew all along what it means, thank goodness.

and the flame bella thought she saw in the black cold water, i bet it was actually victoria. like what the sweet jake i adore now said, victoria was swimming back to la push. and it was obvious i dont think anyone else would be as oblivious as bella was. the flame was her hair. whoaa. that was so close to a combat, wasnt it.

third; the werewolves and the vampires had some similarities it bored me.


1. the hero
edward and jacob. both were the ones who was 'chosen' kind of thingy. edward's speed was unbeliavable. jacob was almost the strongest and biggest although barely became a werewolf in less than a fortnight. it was very cleared that they were both special. both were goodlooking, though u can never compare a human-just-turning-into-werewolf's attractiveness next to a vampire's, it is not fair. and most cliche thing is, they were both into bella, actually more than the 'into' word itself, and that's what made them 'the heros' at first place.

2. the mastermind
carlisle and sam uley. both had to struggle to find themselves in the new situation when they first discovered it (being a vampire and a werewolf). both had no help at all, no support and guidance, unlike the other cullens and the young werewolves. each helped jacob and edward to live again, help them not to lose themselves. help them became a human again though they are literally not.

they were the leaders of the gang and the pack, the head of the families. they made a new change, a new era to werewolves and vampires; werewolves instead of hunting human, this pack led by sam hunted bad vampires and made sure people were safe in bed whereas the vampires led by carlisle hold their appetite, stick to the strict diet that is not their norm of life, only drinking animal's blood for living. they both brought a change lar.

3. the families
the cullens and the .. er.. werewolves. both actually were not related at all, no matter what the surnames say on the cullens' IDs. both were brought together because of their beings, and because of the masterminds' urge to help their kind. both were extremely abnormal as they were not namely human, but they were human enough in the house where they fought about stupid things, bet about who's gonna be wounded, when they picked on each other and baked cookies and felt love.

4. the mom
esme and emily. though one was a vampire and one was not even close to werewolf, only human, they were in the same boat. they were both afraid of the things the kids were faced with, they wre both loaded with love. and they were both resembled a mother in every way.

5. the siblings
in both families, there were the ones that was bad tempered, prone to fight and argue like paul and rosalie. both were not as approving as the others were when they first knew bella was revealed to their dark secret. although jared and embry were more playful and fun and stupidly funny than emmet and jasper and alice, but they worth belonged in the same category.

6. the situation
both families had a secret to keep. if people know what they were, no doubt trouble would take places. they both couldnt escape their destiny, and were forced to not be a human. to be something else that gave pain to handle. to be different. and they both had to help bella, to give her as much time for her to keep living. they both were bella's guards, fairly speaking. gosh how lucky that girl was. and many other similarities that i appear to forgot. haih.

asal la pulak semua kena lebih kurang same? mcm stephenie meyer only mirrored the young werewolves to the cullens to give them their remark. the both familes were really alike. memangla aku taknak kalau die buat the werewolves tu jahat, aku tak sggp nak tgk the sweet jake i adore now tu jd jahat. but still. . something is wrong somewhere. tapi takpela kan. maybe aku yg terobserved lelebih. perfectionist la katekan. muehehhe.

forth is my new develop feeling for jacob black the jake i dore now.
i adore jake black. that's it. the moment i read about the stupid (wahh, stupid dah sekarang, dulu bukan maen lg) edward wanted to suicide because he thought bella was dead, i was so furious i actually cried (another thing bella and i have in common; the urge to cry if we feel mad, the no-words-could-describe mad). things were getting so fine but then the stupid edward screwed everything. bella actually thought she and jake were more than friends, and she actually felt that its okay to kiss jake! that stupid moment had ruined all the possibilities to make jake's dream came true. he deserved it. he had been waiting for too long and he never gave up.


i'm this one girl who doesnt believe in fairytales. edward is close to fairytale for me. perfect, yeah no doubt there will be any person like that on earth. but jacob was not a fairytale. yeah he was, more to a myth than a fairytale, but that was when he was a huge furry werewolf. all in all the possiblity of a jacob to actually live on this planet when i'm still breathing is more likely to make me happy and it is soothing. u see, edward is too good to be true stock. u might say "bace jela tapayahla compare ngn dunia sebenar" but i have to. i have to mark what i love is actually real or not. or else i will be dreaming for the unreachable.

edward was attracted to bella at first because of her scent, and bella was attracted to edward at first because he's irresistible feature. they were drawn to each other by that thing i consider temporary (not for them of course as aging is not edward's thing and i believe one's blood wont change its scent and that can be applied to bella). but c'mon, they were drawn by physical things i supposed, before they met each other's heart (poyo ayat).

whereas what bella and jake had was a perfect relationship, perfect friendship. they were bestfriends. u know kan how i was obsessed with bestfriends-turn-into-lovers. they knew each other more than anyone. paling terbaek, edward could read people's mind except bella, but jake who couldnt read human's mind could understand bella too well. only based on his observation, he knew things bella never mentioned. now that adds sugar into my jake. and unlike edward who was in love with bella when he was a vampire, jake was in love with bella since he was a normal perfect human being. the feeling is real, not for any sense of anything. he was a human when he fell for her, that DOES make a difference.

bella didnt know what she exactly felt. she knew her feelings for jake could not reach the level when she was with edward, she knew that she didnt feel the same way jake did. but at the same time, she wanted jake to fight for her, not to give up and leave her. she wanted jake to love her when she actually didnt feel that way to jake, maybe it was developing, but that was were the problem is; it WAS DEVELOPING.

she wasnt there, but she wanted jake to always be there, with her or without her.
i can say i know what she was feeling though. so her rejection towards jake is somehow acceptable. because i think that's the only thing i can feel now,
at least i think so.

jake black was really sweet, he was the kind of guy i wish to befriend. listen carefully, i repeat, the kind of guy i wish to befriend, nothing more intended. aku kan takde perasaan kot kat manusia sebenar, aku suka watak fiction je. when the door is almost fully open for bella to come to her sense, that edward buat hal. time tu jugaklaa nak jadi romeo. aku nanges sikit tadi mase baca (dgn penuh mendalam) bila jake beg bella, jgn pergi semua tu. masa mata jake berair. whoaa. laki nanges tu. 50 points for each teardrop.

jake knew at that precise moment that the dream he yearned for was vanished. bella did it; came to the rescue for edward, and he was left alone as a bestfriend.