My View on Relationship Throughout The Years

i was familiar with the term 'couple' since i was in primary school. kids my age started getting involved in it as early as... 11 years old? perhaps even earlier than that. but it's only couple cara budak-budak lah, zaman kitorang. ew, the word itself is ew. kapel. kapel mapel.

at 11 years old, a boy had a crush on me. coincidentally, or consequently, i developed a crush on him. so we liked each other. but at that age, i wouldn't want to believe he really liked me or i was the only one he liked. trust issues di usia muda. but it was smart to be a skeptic! he asked if i wanted to 'be with him'. you know what i thought? i thought it was a bunch of crap. "i know you like me. but until when? we're kids for god's sake. i do like you, but it's laughable. why would we be together? it's not like we're gonna get married. i'm flattered, blushing and all, i also have butterflies in my tummy and stuff, but nope." yep. that's what i thought. but of course i didn't tell him that.

thus began my life journey of having mutual feelings with my crush(es), but never wanted to do anything about it because i was realistic as heck. kids or teens around me be getting in relationships every week, in and out and in again, but i ain't doing all that. i was still a girl who wrote about boys in her diary and giggle with her girlfriends when they passed by, but no. it's not for me.

i would only be in a relationship with a guy whom i would marry, said the me that was about to sit for UPSR.

despite all that, i still think if somebody asks you about relationships and you answer "tunggulah lepas sekolah/study/kerja/mereput dulu", you're poyo hahahah. i mean, i'd embrace it if it were to happen earlier, on conditions. important to notice that i didn't exactly had no feeling at all, or that i hated boys pastu acah tak minat benda jadah ni taknak kahwin la apa. tidak pernah. aku dari kecik nak kahwin kot hahahah. i just... abstained? from pointless things.

because of my attitude towards kapel mapel (for that age and for that time, i don't call it relationship because i believe the term relationship carries bigger meanings and heavier weight), i always got misunderstood. boys be thinking i wasn't interested when i was. i was interested, in them, but not in wherever it was we were headed to. couldn't we just stay friends? do we really have to act like boyfriend and girlfriend??

if they began to talk differently with me, it's a turn-off. if they addressed me differently, it's a turn-off. 

exhibit A, one guy told me using aku-kau was harsh, and he insisted we used names instead. and i... agreed. because i ~fancied~ him. but the next second i said yes to it, i regretted my decision. i was ashamed of myself, of how weak i was to succumb to such persuasion lol. it was never the same. i didn't feel comfortable with him, i couldn't talk comfortably, and we drifted apart. i compromised my principles. i didn't like talking in that way with boys, i liked aku-kau better because it somehow symbolizes friendship and sincerity(???) instead of flirtation, and i just wasn't being myself. 

at 15, i learnt that i shouldn't change because of guys. unless they make me *want* to change, i'd end up hating them for making me do things i didn't want to do. poor guy then told my friend he stopped trying because i appeared to not have the same feelings. i did, but i wasn't one to show it anyway, and then i really didn't have such feelings anymore after i felt like i had to change because of him. when it wasn't all his fault - i should have said something. but i was 15. hey, at least it wasn't as bad as how taylor swift portrayed it to be! girl gotta be smarter than that!

i had an idea of the ideal guy. i blogged about it here when i was 14, i think. but i deleted it several years later because blogging the list of your dream guy criteria is just too juvenile.

i don't think i included this in the list, but i once thought if i could be with a bad boy and make him good, it would be cool. hey, no passing judgement about me on my blog! i was still a human who was susceptible to impressions huhu. i was under the impression that if a guy who was a casanova or a player could change to be a decent guy for me, he must really love me. konon macam a bad boy who'd be good just for you gitu. ah, ini semua pengaruh tv. 

then i changed my mind...

at 17, i added another must-have on the list: he must not be a guy who comes and goes between women so easily, he must not have a circle of girls around him for him to choose, and he must also make me his only option even though he has choices. he must not have his heart so divided even in silent, i want to be chosen. i want to be the only one. i want a good guy from the start. whom i wouldn't have to question and doubt. who would give me no reason to. persetankan pengaruh tv. 

he also must accept that i am who i am. if i wouldn't want to go out with him, he shouldn't say my life preference was boring. nor should he find another girl to replace me - somebody who was more easy-going. thanks to ama-at-15, i had learnt not to compromise for a guy. i stick by my rules.

i had faults too. i hope now, i have learnt to make it right so i could do it right with the right person. 

this marked timeline is marked because of the changes i can remember. there are other examples, but these are the major ones. 

what i think was consistent since the very beginning was how i had always wanted my husband to start off as my friend, or for the relationship to blossom from friendship. i was in love with the idea of friends becoming lovers. but this is also in line with my ideals.

1. i only wanted to be in a relationship once we're going to get married, i wanted him to be the first and the last - so what happened if i found him much earlier than that stage? simple. stay friends until you get to that point. 

2. i didn't like the typical boyfriend attitude - to avoid this, treat each other just as friends.

3. also, because of how skeptic i was, the guy needed to earn my trust - earn it by being my friend first, with no hidden agenda, no selfish motive. if you could wait to get what you want, checked. if you could stand to be my friend, if you could stand me for so long, hopefully you could stand me for ever ever after.

plus, did you know i wanted to be friends with my future husband at least 7 years before we got married?

another fun fact: i was a member of GAC. Geng Anti Couple. yes you may laugh.

ok you may stop now.

i wasn't vulnerable to peer pressure of having boyfriends, but i was vulnerable to this. i read that 14 is the age when we did questionable things and thought we were cool. the source is credible - it's tumblr. bak kata seorang bekas ahli, "rempit gila." i guess we all have our rempit moments, only the nature of rempitness differentiates us. in my defence, it coincides with what i already believed in. before i elaborate on that, let me briefly explain the rationale of GAC.

GAC was formed because we were young and naive and took word by word everything we read on the web. it was with good intentions. kapel mapel ialah gejala buruk. haram, zina hati, alah dah bercinta takkanlah tak buat lebih lebih kenn. sesungguhnya lelaki itu virus. pasti mati. wah, sampai begitu sekali. ya, we actually lived by that. no consideration, no critical thinking, no questioning or curiosity. just, believe. after all, it was islamic and strict. and on the internet. so it must be true!

in spite of that, GAC only operated starting from form 2 and ended in form 4. after that you could kapel. boys actually waited for my friends to get to that point of freedom... or so they said.

some of my friends were idealistic, they said they wouldn't want to have a boyfriend, ever. i, on the other hand, was still realistic as heck. i knew i'd have a boyfriend someday. a boyfriend or a friend that is a boy whom i'd want to marry, whatever. the point is i'd be in a relationship, a real one, when the time comes, when i've found the one and we're going to get married. when we're that serious, yes, i'd have a boyfriend. it's just that it's not now when i was in form 2, or form 4. i'd just have to wait.

and boy, did i wait.

after GAC, or even before GAC ended, i had corrected my perception of couple. i realized that there were just do's and don't's. i already had an idea of what a relationship should be like to be balanced and to not be leaning towards either extreme end. i know this kind of relationship exists. you don't abandon all and expect a proposal out of nowhere. you can work on it in your own way. 

i also realized that it's not the noun which you should be concerned about, but the verb. the action is what makes something wrong - it's what makes a sin. if you treat a guy friend like kapel mapel kids treat their boyfriends, then your friendship is still a no-no. but that's beside the point, i only thought to mention it here while we're at it. let alone if it's a relationship, you'd want to keep it. if you are serious about getting married, you will try to be deserving of blessings.

so anyway... 

i would only be in a relationship if it's for marriage, and i would only marry somebody for love.

somewhere along the timeline, i learnt that love was not crush, love was not like, love was not lust. it's neither obsession nor infatuation. it's not ego and it's not games. it's not logical even with the principles. it doesn't always require ownership, it doesn't equate to relationship. it's something else.

but this post is not about it, is it?

over time, the ideal relationship i developed in mind was further polished. not just the ideal relationship, but the idea of the ideal guy too. it's not a common one. in fact, it might be just a little crazy. but if i got it, speaking in conditional tense, i'd be ever so thankful to Allah. i'd be grateful to the person too, i wouldn't choose him just because he fit my ideals, it would be just a beautiful coincidence. i'd be having trouble to believe this ideal, is now real. 

who knew i could be idealistic, and something idealistic could be realistic?

You Can't Unlove Your Mother

once upon a time, i was afraid of falling for someone so hard for fear of having another love like my love for my mother.

still am. but i know that is inevitable. i knew. still, i wished for no such love. love for mama? i had no choice. i was born into her arms, i was born to love her, i was born loved and loving. but love for another? why would i do that to myself? i wouldn't put myself through that. that, to quote somebody, would be the most elaborated form of self-destruction.

because i know that love will one day put me in so much pain, one way or the other. when you love someone too much you have to remind yourself that anything you love more than God will be the reason for your worst pain. is that good or bad?

i can cry just thinking about it. i did a few days ago. to love to that point, man ain't that intense.

i know when i love someone else like that, i'm screwed big time.

for mama, i didn't have i choice. i can't unlove my mom. i couldn't love her less. so i have to learn to love God more. before He teaches me a lesson - the lesson. i don't love much, but i love hard. i don't know if i could love anybody half as much as i love her, but even that would be enough to tear my heart in two. i don't know how to love two parents; babah left so early for me to find out. that's how i have come to love only mama and mama only. that's why this one love is everything to me.

i make it a point to let mama know i love her every chance i get. because another fear of mine is not telling people i love that i love them enough. or not having the chance to tell them at all.

two times you're reminded that you only have Allah:

1. when you feel so alone although you're surrounded by many, that only you can take care of yourself because you have to.

2. when you don't feel alone at all, but your loved ones are so faraway you can only hope for Him to take care of them for you.

the first one i felt about a year ago, the second one now. two very different feelings in two very different places. Alhamdulillah. had i not gone through the former, i might not be here to experience the later. you can't have it all baby. but this is already so much more than i ever deserve.

and i owe it all to you mama. i do.

The Year I Made It - 2014 :)

2014 has been... one heck of a year.

the first three quarter of the year, if you told me of the things that would happen in the last quarter of 2014 and that i would be sitting here typing this in Sheffield, i would say "jangan memain boleh tak?"

because everything else was going wrong, i would have troubles believing things would be going right. alhamdulillah :)

my previous post was supposed to be followed by another post in which i would talk about bad memories, which often make good stories. yes, it's all in the past but i'd just have to write it down, maybe to give it its final rest or otherwise it kept floating in my head and giving me reasons to be sad when i shouldn't be. yes, i am guilty of thinking about it even when i'm in the better part of the year. i am sad abut the past, and i am happy now. but i couldn't help thinking about what had happened, i don't know why. it was really bothering me. that i'd shed a tear. or two.

but now, this very second, i'm not there anymore. so why should i talk about the bad things? when there are good things i can talk about. or can't talk about. or won't. wink, haha.

even with the worse three quarter of the year, i still have troubles accepting the better quarter. keep telling myself just be happy now ama, before your happiness is taken away again for whatever reason nauzubillah... :( it's not like i'm in a state where everything is oh so perfect and i super love my life and i'm the happiest i've ever been and oh life is at its best~ but in a way, in MY way, life's good. i'm good :) alhamdulillah.

i lost some, but i learnt so much. i gained enough, and i got what i wanted :) to list it all, oh my... 

is it possible?

ok let's try. let's list it down, in an ambiguous way so people can't really figure out what i'm talking about, as always. shall we? haha!

1. aku freaking fly weh. can you believe that? i still can't. dream uni, dream course. childhood dreams. against all odds. bailed mrsm, stayed in lembah, intec almost killed me academically and personally that i considered to bail last year and couldn't wait to leave this year. felt like i flunked - passed. didn't pass uni requirement - got accepted. weh.

2. don't trust people anymore. cukup siapa ada sekarang. insyaallah sentiasa ada. nobody to find, no friend to make. nothing's wrong with that. i've found the people and make the friends i cherish. that is enough. life is complete. unless i happen to do so along the way which is okay, i'm just not desperate to discover new individuals, open up, and be disappointed again.

3. i spent the first half of 2014 being unhappy. i didn't go out, i didn't eat properly, i lost weight (which was good, but i gained it again, also because i wasn't happy)(when essential things in life fail to make you happy, you seek false sense of happiness in other things instead - good food, surplus of clothes)(i spent every friday in the two months of exam going to the office to collect my online shopping items and secret recipe afterwards, studying and eating alone for the whole day), i cried in class, in my house, at the kerusi, to my mom, to the ground. god, ama. i'm not one to feel lonely even when i'm alone. so something must have happened to make me feel alone even when surrounded by people. it takes much to make me say i'm lonely, and i was.

4. you don't know who cares about you, and guess what? they don't know that you care about them too! unless you bloody tell them! i've made this mistake a couple of times this year... years. didn't you know? i'm the best at showing i couldn't care less. but this time it cost more than i ever thought it could. you both didn't know that you were thinking of each other, that you both were stealing glances, and wanted to talk... this is a mistake of all sides, too discouraged or too ego, and how would we even know? but if i said or did anything earlier... it would have been better. we were young and stupid and wrong :(

5. talk. talk it out. i've always wanted to talk about things. so i'm just telling everyone out there that... YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT. whatever that has been bothering you, or the things you've been keeping inside. i wanted to talk about something once, but i was denied the chance. then when things got worse, i didn't feel like talking anymore. i just stayed silent. till the end. because the things that were there to talk about? had mounted and was already too much to handle.

6. stay the hell out of other people's business, thank you. even if you mean it well. well, thanks, but i repeat, stay the hell away.

7. oooh, the truth always comes out. always. it's just a matter of time. too bad for me, much of the truth i found out right before i started my alevel exam. couldn't have had a better timing, eh? so next time if you want to talk shit about others, or tell bullshits to others, or do shitty things you aren't supposed to do, think about that. okay? :)

8. i'm getting bitter here. hahaha. don't be bitter! i was bitter for a while. because i didn't want to get hurt any longer. if you're sensitive, you get hurt. if you're cold, you hurt others. what will you choose? i've been both. in the end, i'd say being soft is better than being harsh. being warm is better than being cold. and being sweet is better than being better. you've just gotta find the right balance, and build a strong defense rather than use a defense mechanism that hurts others in return.

9. you are alone in your life. face it. you will always be alone in the end. brace it. embrace it.

10. i was once in a position which i was attacked, by being said i was the one attacking, ha ha. but what did i do? i defended the person. i justified for them. i tried to understand their position. and i was the one losing my temper? :') probably because i was too shocked i couldn't even be angered, i just sat there staring straight ahead and wondered "why me?" so i say, keep a cool head, even when people say you're hot-headed :)

11. i learn to act cool oh so coolly! i mean, act cool. not that i could act in a cool way. still, i gave myself a pat on the back for having such a talent i didn't know i had. to face the world when all i wanted was hide, to smile when the day before i had cried, to talk nicely even when i knew what you talked about me. no, it's not being fake. it's being polite. it's not being hypocrite, it's being mature. we put the unnecessary behind us, and focus on the necessary before us. such as the exam.

12. not everybody are like you. upon knowing this, you still don't have to be like them. for example: you don't talk about people because you thought they wouldn't talk about you, but they did? don't talk about them still! i knew that not everybody will like me, i learnt that years ago. but to know that people don't hold the same values as i do, it's something new :(

13. some losses are gains. if it was good, it would have stayed.

14. friendships with unexpected people at unexpected times. although i had to treat it as a secret as if it was a scandal. the one when it was a guy friend, understandable. but the girl friend? hahahah, as if she was my girl-friend! she was one of the very few friends i felt i had left. and him, too. so i had two friends i treasured, but i couldn't be seen with them. because somebody(s) would get jealous, and i was always the one trying not to get anybody hurt.

15. but i still got people hurt, and that was unavoidable... inevitable :( sometimes, there is no other way... and i feel bad to this day. to all that i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. i'm so sorry. 

16. you can't control what happens, but you can control how you dress. one day after something happened, i really didn't want to go to class. the whole night i've been saying how would i go to class in this situation :( but the next morning, i got the answer. my friend who knew what was happening was surprised to see me. "pergh, ama!" i was wearing a dress and a shawl, didn't look like someone who just cried a couple of hours earlier. "kita takleh kawal apa jadi kat kita, tapi kita boleh kawal kita pakai apa." i felt a sense of power, when the truth was everything else made me feel powerless inside. you might feel your worst, but make sure you look your best :)

17. i still believe people have good intentions, even if they do bad things. it's what they do that is bad, they are not. but you know what? that's not a good enough excuse. you still did what you know you shouldn't have done, and that hurts others. i know that now. so i won't do that to other people too.

18. despite it all, i'm glad that i have a couple of underground friends, if you will. the world doesn't really know we're friends, but they know about my world and i theirs. at least, know enough. i like that, you know. there might not be cool pictures and posts of us hanging out at cool places talking about cool things, there doesn't need to be. i know we're cool enough. and of course, i thank god for the couple of friends who were always there for me at my lowest. i know i shouldn't burden them, so i tried to survive on my own. but they were still there for me. thinking of them now can give me teary eyes out of gratitude.

19. you have to be able to be happy for people when you're unhappy, and be sad about others when you're sad about yourself. i could do that, but somehow i purposely didn't... i did the right thing when i was still in intec. i retreated, i hid, i didn't tell anybody anything, i didn't feel like talking, but once somebody needed to talk to me, i'd go out of my hiding. i'd be there. but after i left intec, i really shut in and shut everybody out. i only maintained contact with a couple of people: somebody whom i thought might be the only who actually really cared about me and showed it, and somebody who needed me to be his wingwoman lol. i didn't talk to my best friend, let alone other friends. it was not that i blamed the whole human race for what happened to me, it was just i couldn't be bothered. i was tired of people in general. they exhausted me. that was so inappropriate of me when they tried to reach me...

20. I learn that it is better to have 1 person who loves you for who you really are, than 100 people pretending they do, even when the other 100 think you're not worth loving without knowing the real you. Despite everything, i'm very lucky to have some people in my life. Very few to trust, but more than enough. I forgot how sweet some souls are to me because i was too focus on how bitter hearts can be. I'm sorry. Should have just treasured what has lasted for years :)

21. bear.

21 for the age i'm going to be in 2015! weehooo!!!

of course there are more, but these are some that i can think of right now. others can be found in previous posts, fb statuses, insta caption, right before sleeping and perhaps in the toilet. hmm.

but always, always the same thing year after year is... alhamdulillah for everything ya Allah.

when things are going bad, it's too much for me to bear. when things are going good, it's more than i ever deserve. either way You always, always listen, and are always, always there, and so generous and forgiving, thanks ya Allah.

thank you for 2014, the worst and the best year, for all the experiences and lessons, good and bad. the bitter makes the good much sweeter, and the good makes the bad seem worth it :)

last year i wrote in The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013;

2013 was not a good year for me. I wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

i can say i am happy now, alhamdulillah. too afraid to say i'm happy. but may it last, insyaallah.

i'm sorry to the ones i have hurt, may Allah help you to forgive me. to those who have helped me, may Allah bless you :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR UK! FIREWORKS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AS I'M ENDING THIS POST. PERFECT TIMING!

Hello, 2015 :)

Well wishes

Yesterday was one of the nights of revisiting memory lane. yes, revisiting. because one visit is never enough, lulz. i scrolled through some screenshots in my old phone. laugh at some, smile at some, sad about some, and um, cried because of some. if you count two sheds of tears as that.

uploaded something on insta, too. and also posted a status of the same subject. hahaha.

I always think of good people who have ever been good to me and wish good things will happen to them, because they deserve it. Wherever you are, whatever you do, i wish you well :)

revisiting memory lane has those effects, you know. it also makes you want to reach out to people who once stood and sat beside you. most of the time, i don't reach out to anyone. i just think about them, and good thoughts come across my heart. i hope they count as prayers. i'm sure they are.

the post and status were not individually dedicated to anyone. nobody was personally mentioned. it was general, and for many people. but there was somebody i reached out to yesterday.

some of the screenshots reminded me of those months, weeks, and days, when i was not okay. really. not. okay. there was a friend who knew because she accidentally got involved in my life's mess, and she tried to make sure i survived. that i ate. that i went out. that i socialized. god even typing this gives me misty eyes. wth ama.

so i sent her this:

good people deserve good things in this world. and i'll be happy when their time comes :)


funny how i surprised someone with such a text yesterday, and today i received a similar message.

i haven't talked to this person in a long time. in fact, we didn't really talk much even on the internet. sure, some conversations, but that's all. are we friends? not in my definition. we were schoolmates who chatted online and smiled at each other in real life. but i think that person is nice to talk to, and we could talk to each other easily, which is nicer. the last time we did was when i was asked where was i now, to which i replied UK and got no reply after that. then today i got this.

i was a bit late in replying, as i always am, and it was really too late this time... of course i couldn't reply, the account has been deactivated. i wanted to say thanks and some well-wishes too :( it was my fault because i took a look at that message and saw the first few words, and did not open it straightaway, like always. i didn't read the whole thing. i thought it was a template message tailored the same for everyone. but it was not, it was a personal message for me :(

you see, this kind of people. i like them. i have a feeling this person said what was said for the sake of saying it; not for my reply. just like a few other people have done to me. they don't care about appearing weird saying such stuffs out of the blue, they just do. they don't care about what i'd say, if i'd be nice back, if it's gonna be awkward. they just say it because they want to.

People who say and do nice things without hoping for response or expecting any return are not only nice, they are kind. In my mind you get a round of applause and a bouquet of flowers... Even if i don't get to show i appreciate it, which is sad. but i'm happy you exist.

that's what i want to do, and sometimes do :)


but most of all. i thank God that some people see the goodness in me - truthfully i don't know where they get some of that - and He hides all that i lack. it makes me feel undeserving, but hey, who am i to deny such blessing? ;)

The Proposal

the ending.

the end.

oh i forgot to mention i was talking about the movie.

lulz

So, I Am..... Legend! no, I'm Just Back

ok hai. harini aku dah boleh blogging balik sebab quota internet dah update, oh yeaaaaah

aku dah boleh blogging daripada last week actually, sebab alevel dah habis, OH FRCKIN YEAHHHHHH

tapi seperti ayat pertama, aku takde quota internet untuk blogging bagai, tapi aku sebenarnya boleh je blogging dari dulu, sebab alevel dua bulan pun bukan aku belajar 24 jam x 60 hari, 2 jam x 60 hari pun jauh sekali, ok apa ni. cerita dia aku boleh je blogging, tapi hidup aku masa tu serabut. serabut mental, physical, medical, emotional, apa kau nak lagi semua aku dah hadapi. tapi aku hidup lagi sekarang ni. jadi ok la kot. en.

sebab serabut, aku takleh blog. aku taknak blog. kang terbawak-bawak serabut aku tu kang.

tapi sekarang aku boleh berblogging balik. dan aku nak berblogging pasal semuanya. kalau aku blog la. 

masalah utama aku dalam pape pun: boleh je, nak je, tapi buat tak buat, itu persoalannya.

so hi, if you ever read this blog, welcome back. expect a shitload of posts (i hope).

i'd like to say a few things first. i expect those who read this blog as those who know it from my school days (masa aku kecoh berkeretapitutttutt homagad i shame shame now u no), those who know it from blogosphere (if you still stick around fellow bloggers i thank you), and those from my college days - this is what i want to emphasize. jeng jeng jeng.

anybody from intec who reads this shit, i should know you guys because

1. you know about this blog before we even went to intec - i told you, you found out, etc.

2. i told you about this blog because we're friends - i recall four people, and only four.

3. you found this blog and told me about it - thanks for the decency to tell, despite stalking, directed to two of you who became my underrated guy friends in secret, lol. one still free to roam around this territory, one i forbid from returning, for some reasons, and since then he hasn't. both scrolled my timeline for my blog. not sure whether to feel flattered or freak out or turn into a hulk.

of course, i might also not know you. because you either find out about it from someone or somewhere else and silently read about my life, never try to say hi to the girl behind the keyboard. nope, not stalking at all. silent readers, are you not? not sure if you exist, but would be so naive of me to think you don't. it's the internet anyway, and everyone knows everyone in the virtual world, so it's bound to happen. come out and say hello, i won't bite, if you bring me food. i know you're there, hey you sweating in front of the screen! i'm totally spying on my readers on their webcam the whole time, totes. oh and don't think i've forgotten about the intec confession thing, nice attempt at publicity there, thanks but i don't need any. i'm more into, what is it? oh yes, privacy.

i'm going to blog about whatever i want and i don't care if anybody reads it or not. lie. i might slightly care about who does, and i might suggest everyone to stop reading, LIKE RIGHT NOW, ok kidding, but i can't control you, soo *shrugs it off and put shades on. but bear in mind that i try to write as though nobody will read, with the knowledge that somebody can find my word and be offended, or take my word and twist it. so it's gotta be balanced. or i'm just gonna go the old typical ama way of revealing too much or not revealing anything at all. okay? okay. you gave me infinity within a numbered days. my thoughts are stars i can't fathom into constellations. i like my choices, i hope she like hers. ok tetiba.

since i'm blogging again just thought i ought to address my so called readers. ew i feel so vain, borderline narcissistic, i'm not some bloggers. but what do you call people who read your posts, scroll your blog, dig your archive and even screenshot stuffs and share it with the subject, right? i mean, that happens to other bloggers, might not be me, might, not be, but just saying, you know, jasss sayin. nasty things happen on the internet.

not sure if i'll ever let my kid be on it. you write because you get hurt. people read and they get hurt. nasty. 

but yall are welcome here, whether i know you or not, regardless of what you do or don't. it's your business baby, this blog is mine, and all of our dealings will be counted and we're gonna be accountable for it all. let's just hope when the time comes, none of us will be indebted to one another, yes? so, i'm sorry and please forgive me. short, but sincere, i hope.

if there's one thing i do on this blog, i go anon. though not really, but i try. (expect some pictures coming!!!!!). i do the same about what or who i write about here. i write for myself, and i hide others for a reason. would appreciate it if you try to think of it as a good reason, and react to it in a good way.

everyone loves a good samaritan, but not a straight, let alone crooked, simpleton.

love, ama :)

Trivial vs Trial

if you did that one thing differently, if you took the chance right in front of your eyes, imagine what could have been. just imagine. now imagination is all we have.

look up. look straight. look ahead. that's all it takes. one second of recognition. but no, of course you don't do that.

and tonight, i went extra mile just to not be seen by somebody, and just to see somebody. you would go any mile when you're running away from something, and running after something. life is hard when expectation isn't aligned with reality. however unrealistic, just do what makes you happy. at least you are happy. however simplistic. because there are many other things that weigh you down, however heavy, however deep. so what's wrong with looking for a bit of feeling light and being high?

after miles and miles, in the end there's a friend with whom you don't have to hide, you don't have to pretend.

  

uncensored cut version of our separate conversations.
from tonight and some other night.
yeah, he's my friend. a good one.

we don't do this often, unlike in senior year, but when we do talk privately and personally, i feel like i have a guy friend again. a real one. well, at least not the forbidden friendship kind. imagine letting someone see much of your real self you don't reveal to most people but you can't even be seen together in real life. that one's tough, this one's easy. he always tries to understand my situations even when his are way different, and that's cool. that's awesome even. we've only been friends for four years. wait, no, that's actually a long time considering the circumstances. i can't even keep a friend for two years nowadays. people fight, people fall apart. he and i fought and fell apart once too, but not really, but kinda, but i understood his situation back then. now here we are. we actually still talk. whenever he posts random irrelevant sarcastic shits on my posts. whenever he pm me for real life issues or just for "hey how are you". we still talk. real talk, superficial talk. just talking is good enough for me, because honestly, i've stopped expecting anything from anybody.

on a different note, i'll be sitting for a-level trial in one day.

okay.