Depression Tu Macam Drugs. Drugs Tu Memang Dadah. el o el.

dulu aku rasa aku kena kawan dengan orang yang betul-betul faham aku. masa tu aku sekolah rendah. untuk ada kawan yang betul-betul faham aku, kriteria kawan idaman aku ialah kena serabut, kena ada sesuatu yang dia takde, kena ada sesuatu yang tak normal dalam hidup dia, kena ada sesuatu yang buat dia depress. baru dia boleh faham aku, baru aku boleh percaya dia.

tapi kengkawan aku dulu macam bahagia pulak semuanya. hidup nampak sempurna je. nampak jelah, di sebalik dinding rumah aku taktau. tapi aku rasa memang bahagia pun. at least, lebih daripada aku. aku rasa laa, jangan marah kalau aku salah. kalau aku rasa ada yang tak bahagia, tu sebab muka kau kelam. dan sebab aku pegang lumrah alam yang takde apa yang sempurna. kita semua ada benda kita takde. aku bukan mind reader. aku tak boleh 'baca jiwa yang rapuh dari mata yang sedih' kalau dah hari-hari mata kau berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa kau penuh. dan aku tak harap pun orang lain ada bakat sama nak baca aku.

pernah aku nak something jadi dalam hidup dorang so hidup kitorang sama. bukan aku sorang je ada rahsia. bukan aku sorang je rasa. kau boleh cakap aku 'kecik-kecik dah jahat'. atau kau boleh cakap aku 'jahil sebab tak cukup matang.' terpulang. yang pasti aku tak macam tu lagi sekarang.

mungkin sebab aku sedar. sebahagia mana pun dorang, kitorang tetap gembira berkawan. sampai sekarang :)

berkawan ni tak perlu cerita hidup sama. boleh berbeza, asalkan terima. boleh bagai langit dengan bumi, asalkan mengerti. boleh bercerita, kalau percaya. boleh memendam, kalau kita faham - faham yang dorang takkan faham. tak perlulah kau yang taknak cerita kat orang, pastu kau kata orang tak tahu kisah hidup kau lah, orang tak memahami emosi yang tersembunyilah, orang tak membaca duka di sebalik tawalah, apa lah. jangan nak jadi mangsa sangat lah weh.

nak orang faham? cerita.

rasa orang tak faham? diam.

kan senang.

aku takdelah pulak memangsakan diri dulu, sebab aku tau aku yang pilih jadi macam tu. aku yang pilih untuk mata berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa aku penuh. takde makna nak pakai t-shirt jiwa kosong bagai.

some people prefer to hide their pain, deny their problems. i do too. but what's the point if you'll bring it up later? blame others for not knowing? make them feel as if they're useless? or are you just being attention-seeking? praising yourself for smiling and laughing all the time despite it all? what do you want?

secrecy? or sympathy?

aku jugak rasa aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang faham aku. kriteria? sama seperti di atas. kawan? setakat luar rumah. kawen? setiap penjuru rumah aku dia kena tau. jadi kriteria kena lagi strict sikit. kalau rumah aku bocor kat bumbung, bumbung dia kena bocor sama. kalau tiang rumah aku retak, tiang dia kena retak juga. contohnya. simboliknya.

aku rasa aku takleh kahwin dengan orang yang hidup dia bahagia, yang keluarga sempurna.

kawan aku tak pernah tau setiap penjuru rumah aku. tapi laki aku nanti, dia kena tau. dan masa tu, takde ceruk yang aku boleh sembunyi. melainkan syiling yang bocor dan tiang yang retak dengan ajaibnya baiki sendiri. masa tu kau nak intai setiap lubang pun takpe, bang.

contohnya. simboliknya.

kalau rumah dia kukuh serba serbi, macam mana dia nak duduk dalam rumah aku yang boleh runtuh ni? aku kena cari orang yang rumah pernah hancur jugak. yang walaupun dah dibina balik, masih rapuh. kalau tak, dia akan rindu rumah dia yang kukuh. dia takkan nak duduk sebumbung dengan aku.

sebab dia tak biasa. dia tak faham. dia tak rasa.

mengeluh.

dan aku fikir pasal semua ni masa aku sekolah rendah, hahah.

pernah tengok cerita Closer? aku sarankan korang tengok, tapi aku tak sarankan korang download. maka berharaplah tv yang berpenapis akan tunjuk cerita ni. takut kalau korang tengok versi tak ditapis, aku pulak berdosa kang hahaha. but it's a really good movie, dialogue wise. cerita simple, plot wise. tapi complicated tahap dewa, human wise. sebab manusia ni complicated bebenar. jap, perasaan yang buat manusia complicated sebenarnya. tak kisahlah suka ke, nafsu ke, cinta ke. sama je.

the dialogue is really something. it's a movie which moves you with words, not actions.

eniwaiz, ada satu scene ni bila si lelaki cakap kepada si perempuan "you deserve to be happy."

memula aku cam "hekeleh bro, dia dah taknak kat kau, dah ah. dia nak kat laki tu. dia happy ngan laki tu, so? kau pulak bajet yang dia lagi happy dengan kau tapi dia rasa dia tak layak untuk happy sebab tu dia pilih laki tu, EL O EL."

tapi kemudian ada scene lain masa si lelaki bercakap dengan laki tu pasal si perempuan. laki tu minta si lelaki lepaskan si perempuan, bagi kat dia la kira ni. amboi si perempuan pun, kau ingat kau apa? bola nak di pass pass? 

laki tu: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.

si lelaki: She doesn't want to be happy.

laki tu: Everybody wants to be happy.

si lelaki: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

apa yang si lelaki cakap buat aku macam.... pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch.

sebab aku rasa aku faham maksud dia.

aku cakap aku pernah depresi kan. aku tak main-main bila aku cakap camtu. aku taktaulah aku kategori clinical-psychologically-diagnosed depression, atau childish-tantrums-and-later-teenagers-hormonal-imbalance-overdramatized-as-depression depression. tapi aku depresi la.

bila makin besar, walaupun dah tak depresi, aku rasa depresi is a part of me. bila ada survey "anda pernah depresi?" aku tanda ya. bila baca pasal orang depresi, aku rasa aku memahami. bila cek tanda-tanda depresi, jari aku yang mengira tunjuk aku ada banyak tanda tu - dulu. maybe i was not clinically diagnosed, but i knew, and i know, it was some kind of depression. i even wished i could see a psychologist. it's partly why I want to be a psychologist. what else could it be? don't tell me i overdramatized things, it's like you're telling a cancer patient "oh, it's just a mutant cell." even if i did, i had pretty good reasons to do that.

sooo. the point here is: after i was no longer depressed, as si lelaki said, i wanted to be unhappy to confirm i was depressed. if i was happy i couldn't be depressed anymore. and if i wasn't depressed, i wasn't being me. depression or whatever it was was a part of me. other people had other things, and i had depression to make me me. to make me different. to make me a somebody. somebody with a story. geddit?

maybe i was used to it. i thought if i was not depressed, i would not live my life like i was supposed to live it - depressed - like i once did. so i shouldn't be happy. i had to have a reason to be depressed. 

it's a pretty messed up idea isn't it?

nak cakap bodoh pun, tu aku jugak, dulu. dan ramai lagi, sekarang ni.

depression is usually destructive, sometimes it can be constructive, but above all - addictive. just like drugs.

sebab tu ke aku nak kahwin dengan orang yang bermasalah? entah. tapi aku rasa lebihnya sebab aku nak dia faham aku, tu je. someone who won't judge my life even though it can be judged. orang yang aku boleh percaya. someone i can show the dark side of my life to. orang yang terima aku. someone who can befriend my inner demons. kalau dia tak macam aku, macam mana dia nak jadi semua tu? aku nak orang yang boleh sayang aku walaupun aku serabut. someone who can love not only me, but my house, my rooftop, my life, at its worst.

true love, a cupid whispers. 

el o el.

antara ending scene movie tu tunjuk si perempuan dengan si lelaki, tapi si perempuan nampak tak happy. dia yang pilih untuk jadi tak happy. dan dia happy jadi tak happy. sebab dia rasa dia jadi diri dia sendiri.

messed up but i geddit.

i want to be happy. maybe, i was her. but not anymore. i deserve to be happy. well if you look at me, maybe i don't deserve it. but my life says i do. i do, after everything.

baru baru ni aku terbaca something yang lain, yang buat aku  pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch jugak.

Why people self-sabotage their happiness.

- I found out they represent a truly important psychological theory—one which clearly explains how and why sometimes a person’s comfort zone might actually be to stay in discomfort.

- Basically, you grew up in your childhood learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of happiness. Maybe you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only seventy-five percent. Or seventeen percent. When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel twitchy, because this new zone feels so unfamiliar. As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your “masochistic equilibrium.” Or, as mentioned above, you might simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the “masochistic equilibrium” you grew up with.

- Find examples of consistently happy, loving couples, and truly happy people. Spend as much time as possible with them so you can start to shift your belief system to what “normal love” and “normal happiness” are. Over time, you will begin to view highly positive situations as examples for your new normal. The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your “masochistic equilibrium.”

- Finally, there’s an added sneaky reason why painful patterns form: a theory à la Carl Jung. He believed that our lives need meaning and purpose. If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing.  Jung’s name for these patterns of “enterpaining” situations was “low-level spiritual quests.”

you have no idea how it really makes sense to me. how what i copied and pasted here feels really relatable. like when i read it for the first time i nodded my head enthusiastically with wide open eyes and dropped jaws, unable to mouth the words "u feel me!", for example. if i actually have something called  masochistic equilibrium, man, ain't i effed up. i've noticed the effed-up-ness of mine for quite a long time but to have a psychological theory found about it, makes me feel like ooohkaay, i'm officially effed up.

aku memang nak kahwin dengan orang yang rumah dia bocor retak sini sana bukan je sebab aku rasa dia takkan selesa duduk dekat rumah aku kalau rumah dia sempurna, tapi sebab aku rasa aku pun takkan selesa duduk kat rumah sesempurna rumah dia.

bayangkan keluarga ipar macam main kad "one happy family at home!"

aku rasa aku akan flip kad tu.

sebab "this new zone feels so unfamiliar." oleh itu aku "might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your masochistic equilibrium." atau dalam hal lelaki idaman ni, aku "simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the masochistic equilibrium you grew up with.” 

PUFFF KE BABABOMM. MIND BLOWN.

masa form 5 ada kisah yang agak mengemokan aku. kengkadang aku lagi nak rasa emo tu. aku dengar lagu sedih ulang ulang, seksa diri memalam rasa wah zaman remajaku dramatik. lol. bak kata John Green, "that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." tu satu. dua, sebab teori ni juga. "If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing." sebab kita rasa at least hidup kita ada something, sebab bila rasa sakit, kita rasa kita hidup. kita ada hidup. tak macam orang yang memalam ulang-ulang buat add math je lolol (dan sebab ini lah add math kau A- je ama).

MIND BLOWN KAN?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY.

tapi tu dulu..... kot. bila aku tengok rumah lain yang memang perfect - tak perfect pun, normal - aku rasa hmmm bestnya, mana nak dapat bumbung kukuh tiang teguh ni, mana nak dapat kad happy family ni... rumah yang buat aku rasa ni bukan rumah aku, tapi aku nak rumah camni. mungkin bukan rumah sekarang, tapi rumah baru aku nanti. rumah idaman aku.

sebab "The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your masochistic equilibrium”, aku rasa aku berhak dapat rumah yang sama sempurna.

jadi tu dulu...... kot. sekarang aku takde dah masochistic equilibrium ni.

cuma kengkadang, terkeluarla jugak ayat "macam mana aku nak kahwin kalau macam ni?"

last time: minggu ni.

aku mungkin nampak macam suka je bab bab kahwin ni, tapi aku rasa sangat susah untuk aku kahwin sebenarnya. berangan? boleh. nak? mesti. tapi bebetul bina rumah sendiri? susah. apa tah lagi kalau rumah tu setiap penjuru berhantu. entahlah.

satu lagi sebab kenapa aku rasa aku macam ni, "because i'm a writer."

as Kurt Cobain once said, "thank you for the tragedy. i need it for my art."

as Gwendolyn Brooks once said, "writing is a delicious agony."

as Natalie Goldberh once said, "Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can’t forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released."

and as my old, best friend said, “I need to be sad. I’m a writer."

aku tak pernah cerita pasal ni dekat sesiapa. pasal semua ni. tapi aku pernah tunjuk dekat kawan aku, bahagian mana yang retak yang bocor tu. tu pun tak tunjuk semua, sikit je. dia cakap something yang aku takkan lupa sampai bila-bila. dia cakap... dia terkejut aku even terfikir untuk kahwin pun. she would expect me to like, be traumatized or lose faith or something.

little did she know, i had lose faith, once too many times - as i keep having it back again.

because how could i lose faith in Him?

in true love?

el o el.

at the same time, i had and still have, this fairy tale fantasy that a prince on a white horse will be my knight in shining armour and rescue me in my dungeon and carry me to his castle in the clouds which bricks are in the shape of love, which ceiling is carved with happy ending and which every pillar stands with perfection.

"I think we seek out people who we hope will fix what our childhood broke." - Yasmin Mogahed.

and i want someone who's broken too, so he needs me to fix him.

my life, as always, is an irony.

but over the years, i've learnt that from a dungeon to a mountain, i am my own hero.

but who doesn't want to live in the castle in the clouds right?