Twenty and Thankful :)

it's my birthday today, and my birthday present i give myself is... i'm at home!

i've been planning this since last week? last two weeks? what i wanted for my birthday was a day of doing nothing, a day to chill and relax, a day to run away from reality. so i planned to skip class today and tomorrow. class wasn't supposed to be on this week, the lecturers are busy marking trial papers, and all i do if i go to class is everything else except study. so... why not? but in light of the latest information from an informer, i might as well extend this short escape this whole week! muehehe.

yes i just got back from kl to shah alam on sunday night with my bro. yes right after class on monday afternoon i went back to kl again on my own. yes it's crazy. but that's what i wanted to do, so that's what i did. although before that there was some unexpected unwanted incident in which i was being followed by someone i would rather not be seen with... but it's all good. i got back home as planned. after two hours of commuting. after only some hours in shah alam. i was home again. 

today, i woke up in the morning in my own bed, not having to get up and go to class, and it felt good.

but everything else was just okay. or bad, i don't know. but the best was it was okay. the worst was the "ended" of MH370. i shed tears at some points throughout the day because of it. it already started the night before when "ended" gave a whole new meaning but at the same time, the meaning was unknown. i never stop following the updates, i make sure i never miss anything. you could talk to me about it over a cup of coffee or a glass of ice tea and we'd have to refill because i won't stop talking. i will cite what i read from somewhere and tell what i heard from somebody. perhaps another post for this.

that's all i did too, on my birthday. i followed the updates. like i've been doing for more than two weeks. because i care about the case. and maybe because if i didn't do that, i had nothing else to do, and if i wasn't sad about it, i'd be sad about me.

but i lost it anyway. no matter how indulged you are in the lives of others, you can never really escape yours.

i guess i just have to get used to it. that every year, i will be sad on my birthday. the sooner i deal with it, the sooner it stops. let it out, don't have to keep it in. it's not gonna work, it's gonna come out anyway. so let it be. then live on.

what's weird was i didn't feel all this ten years ago. when did it start? last year? last two years? last three? i don't know. but it started and it won't stop. at least, it didn't this year. the last birthday i spent here. which made me sadder because today was just like the previous years, even less, as if i'd be around next year. but then again if i would, it's not like it would be any different, wouldn't it?

for most part of the day i was asking myself what am i doing? nothing.

should i have stayed in shah alam? no.

i feel distant, so i distant myself.

i didn't leave shah alam on my birthday simply to spend it in kl. it's not like i celebrate my birthday here, or have anything special. it's really just like any other day, even less than that maybe. but at least it's better than being in akasia, i assume. or because i didn't want to know if it would be better or worse, that's why i prefer being at home. at least i already know how it always is.

and even then, some sadness just can't disappear.

it's gonna be the same anywhere anyway. so at least at home it will be less worse, if not better.

after i was done being sad for myself, i resumed being sad for the ended flight.

it puts things in perspective, especially on a birthday, doesn't it?

i am luckier than those on board. i am way luckier than those who have loved ones on board.

if i think of what i should have, i'll never feel full. but when i think of what i do have, i'll always feel thankful. thank you Allah. to be alive and to have those i love alive, are more than enough. thank you all for all your wishes.

i appreciate wishes for my year and my life, rather than my day. because i might have "happiness" and "success" and "blessings" and "joy", but i'm not having "fun" or "a blast". 

then again, it reminds me, why is it so important to have a meaningful day in a year when you already have a meaningful life? why does my life have to be based on how good my birthday is when i have many other good days throughout these twenty years? why do i have to mind about what people do for me on my birthday when people have done so much for me on other days? why do i have to bother what i get today when i've already got a lot?

this personal holiday isn't even the only birthday gift i gave myself this year. but at least i can give myself what i want, right?

i have to be thankful for my life, rather than for my birthday, right? there's a lot to be thankful for! :)

anyway, if one year is an indicator of anything, it indicates how much things have changed. what day is better for you to realize what is different between then and now than your birthday? i have changed. people have changed. i just wonder what year will it be when i can count on the constant from then on.

and i hope the constant i have now, will still be here in many years. that's my birthday wish and daily prayers.

so this is me 20 years ago :)

thanks to my mom for giving birth to me and my dad for making sure i was not swapped with other babies by following me from the delivery room to the baby nursery until i was tagged with that pink card to make sure i'm his and it didn't end up like some malay drama hehe :')

like any other day, today is ordinary. but today, i'm twenty :)

it's something big, isn't it?