Deep Rooted Issues

I don't really think or talk about it, so i believe i'm okay. But once something happens, no matter how small, it triggers the switch in me, and all hell breaks loose. Deep rooted issues. nobody can help me. I can't help myself. It's not something people can see. I'm not a drug addict. I'm not a whore. I'm not a depressed person contemplating suicide every now and then. I seem normal. But sometimes, at times like this, i know i'm not. Something is wrong with me. But i can't be fixed. That's why deep inside i think nobody can love me and i can't love anybody, i know i only love my mom and only my mom loves me. and that's only because she's my mom. She has to love me. i'm her daughter and however bad i am, she loves me because mothers are just programmed that way. she's the only one who's seen the real me, and i don't mind whatever she thinks of me because thank God for this person who will always love me. without her nobody cares about me. It's only my family's obligation to help me. Not because they want to. they just have to. i'm a nuisance. i know it's bad to feel and think this way, but i can't really help it. of course there are reasons why i'm led to feel and think so. If i was somebody else's daughter, my mom wouldn't even love me. Heck, i wouldn't bother about myself too. why would she? why would i? who would? I appear decent but i'm actually defected, at least that's what they make me believe. I believe that i'm broken beyond repair. I'm not worth it, and i don't care. That's why i don't care about people. I won't make anybody love me or care for me, it's either you do or you don't. I won't change or be better just to earn people's affection and attention. that's why when something happens between me and someone, i don't really fight for it anymore, in fact i don't even fight against them, i just let it be. people say it seems like i don't care, and maybe it's true. i don't care because i feel like they don't care about me, so why should i? i don't care about the fight doesn't mean i don't care about them, it just means i let it be because i believe one fine day everything will be okay, everyone will be fine. i'm just tired dealing with shits. i'm tired thinking about people. So many things have happened to shape me to be this way; i'm heartless but easily touched, i'm harsh but soft at heart, i'm egoistic but easily guilty, i don't care but i will think about it anyway, i don't think about people but i still do at the end of the day. people don't understand me and that is a problem, they don't understand that i was brought up this way, intentionally or unintentionally, everything that happened to me made me this way. i find it hard to understand people too, because we're all different, we were raised in different ways, we have different families, we come from different places. but if i care about someone, i try to understand them and adapt to their different way of life. without actually knowing somebody, you wouldn't know how different they are from you, and you can't really do what you're expected to do, and it's surprising when this happens between family members. another irony is i actually love myself, but some people are capable of making me hate myself. and hating yourself is the source of all shits. you feel it's fine that you deserve nobody and nobody wants to be with you. the real you, i mean. the real you that some people say bad, not the good you you seem to be. sometimes i think i'm fine, but they show me how i'm flawed. some people think i'm good, but some see me as someone bad. and those people are the ones whose opinions are supposed to matter, but they don't see me the way i see myself when i love myself. maybe because there's nothing to be loved actually.  i don't even know who i am anymore. am i the good girl? am i the bad guy? maybe because i don't choose to be that way with them. this is not hypocrisy, i just can't be who i want to be with my family. i don't know. i will be okay in a day, or an hour or so, but for now i don't know. like i said, this is some deeply rooted issues. but these parasites do not lead me to do stupid things. perhaps i should have, because maybe only then people would take it seriously and not overlook the matters which changed me. perhaps i should have, so they know something is wrong with me, not that i am the one who's wrong. i''ve been led to believe that if something is wrong it's always me and i'm always the one with faults, that's why i don't care. but i know if they know what i write here, they will feel horrible and i hate making people feel horrible. i always let it show, but i never want to let them know. it's just natural. whatever happens, it will always come down to this. this happened a long time ago it's too late to undo it. someone like me is actually a trap, you know? you see me as harmless, but i have come to believe that i'm worthless. you don't really see what's wrong with me, sometimes i don't see what's wrong with me either, but some people do, and when they do, i see everything is wrong with me and i can't make it right. if people see my eyes now they will think it's the eyes of someone who doesn't want to leave home, but actually it's the eyes of someone who contradicts what she recently said. now she can't wait to return to college. i never think and talk about this unless something happens to trigger the switch because i hate to listen to what i have to say, but through other people's mouths. i know how people see that kind of person, who reveals their devils, fears and tears, and i hate to be seen that way. i never think and talk about it, but once it's triggered, the small matters can be big, not because i make it big, but because it always comes down to this. deeply rooted issues. it's already too deep, you can't find the parasite. you can't cure the disease. it can't be fixed. but above it all, layer by layer, i'm normal. i'm okay. as usual.

"Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would never have been able to find these words.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke