Life Is a Long Equation

Between mummy and study, which one would it be lol who am i kidding cus it's gonna be mummy.

so i'm in my study leave right now, except it's called study week. because we're supposed to study. last sem it was study leave, we didn't study at all because we thought we're supposed to leave study terus har har k. or was it just me? i did not know what the hell did i do satu minggu tu. stay intec bajet study. tak balik rumah sebab tak bukak buku nanti. stay akasia bajet fokus lagi. padahal orang lain gi library.

so this time i planned to stay the whole week kat akasia dan pergi library setiap hari cos enough being lazy. i planned to study with some of my classmates because with them i don't feel so stupid as they embraced me just the way i am so i can actually be stupid with them and laugh at myself. you've just gotta be with the right people, only then stupidity becomes hilarity and difficulty becomes easy.

i reaaally wanted to study macam orang lain yang sampai mata merah, rambut serabai, tudung tak gosok, jambang tak cukur, makan tidur tak cukup (ok takdela sampai macam tu, kalau study sampai tak jaga diri pebenda weh tak seimbang doh hidup ish ish ni baru study, belum kerja lagi, belum kahwin lagi, haaa). jika studyku ini satu ibadah, belum pape dah dapat pahala sebab niat sangat tulus murni untuk study. but...

my mom will be going on europe tour.

shhh this sudden seemingly unrelated piece of information is not a change of topic, but a turn of event! so listen! eh, read! or just leave tbh idc.

my mom will be going on europe tour on 2nd may. which is next week. mulanya aku nak mak aku datang rumah abang aku masa study week so walaupun aku stay akasia, aku dapat jumpa mak aku hari-hari makan sesama bermanja ke apa ke sebab nanti aku tak jumpa dia lama, even lepas habis exam pun mak aku masih berjimba di luar negara. tapi abang aku satu keluarga kena balik Sarawak kampung kakak ipar aku khamis ni tetiba. so the last time i'll be seeing my mom before she leaves on a jet plane is this time lah.

yang bermakna makin sekejap aku balik kalini, makin sekejap aku jumpa mak aku untuk tempoh 3 minggu. weyyy.

memula aku ingat nak balik dok dua tiga hari kat rumah, pastu balik intec isnin. tapi abang aku boleh ambik rabu je. fine, aku boleh balik naik ktm. but still, this isn't just about studying, this is about spending time with my mother before we'll be continents apart for a few weeks. isn't that something? aku dah berbelah bagi... sebab kat rumah, aku takkan study. heck, kat akasia pun aku tak study. masuk bilik study baru study. tu pun kat bilik study boleh tidur lagi. jadi aku, aku, study kat rumah? hahaHAHAHAHAH.

mak aku pun macam suruh aku balik rabu je, sempat dia nak masak macam-macam dia kata. aku taknakla perasan kan, tapi nampaknya mak aku macam nak aku balik lambat je. mesti sebab dia rindu aku hahaha eh tapi aku taknak la perasan kan, orang tak kata rindu pun aku sengsorang je syok sendiri pulak kan.

aku: ma nak ayu balik lambat eh? hihi kalau ma nak ma cakap jelaa, ayu balik la rabu. ayu tak kisah.

ma: ikut suka ayu la.

aku: ma tak kisah ke ayu balik bebila pun?

ma: tak ah, tak kisah pun.

aku: habis ma nak masak semua tu? hihi ayu dah jadi macam uda ehh, mama nak masak macam-macam.

ma: dah ayu yang teringin la apa la.

aku: hmm. kalau uda tu mesti ma suruh dia balik lambat-lambat je.

angah: yela, uda tu lain. kau annoying.

terima kasih ngah.

kalau mak aku nak aku balik rabu, aku balik rabu. sebab walaupun poyo macam mana pun ini berbunyi: aku tak suka mak aku rindu aku. biar aku je rindu dia, biar aku tanggung sengsorang. aku memang manja pun, tapi sejak masuk intec baru aku sedar manja macam aku ni normal sebenarnya sebab aku anak perempuan sorang, sebab aku anak last. tapi ada yang lagi manja tahap anak raja lebih daripada aku yang buat aku kata "aku anak last perempuan sorang pun tak macam tu!"

aku sebenarnya agak keras, walaupun hati lembut. darah senang naik, walaupun air mata cepat mengalir. agaknya inilah efek ada abang 4 orang, dan mak yang tak layankan sangat bila aku merajuk bila aku mengada, kalau tak memang naik tocang. efeknya sampai aku rasa nak panggg je bebudak yang manja lelebih sesikit tak boleh ni, muahaha aku kan garang.

aku cakap aku boleh balik rabu, tapi mama kena suruh aku studylaa. ce teka mak aku cakap apa? ce tekaa! mak aku cakap "ayu takyah dapat macam dulu pun takpe, buat biasa je. kan dah dapat tempat semua."

i guess somebody forgot to tell mama about this. maa dah dapat tempat kat intec pun tak menjamin tempat di UK/US maaa. tak jamin tempat next sem pun maaaaa. comel betul mak aku ni. mana boleh buat biasa, sedangkan orang sekeliling aku study macam orang gila. kang aku kena tinggal sorang kat malaysia.

anywayss setelah puas berdilemma di group whatsapp 10SS1, Ummul came to the rescue, like she always does ;)

dia cakap "stay je kat rumah, insyaAllah study kat rumah jadi lagi berkat. study sikit tapi lagi ingat. kadang-kadang sebab benda kecik macam ni, macam kita choose untuk spend time dengan family, yang ni kasi kejayaan untuk kita."

bayu menghembus sayu.

betul sangat. takde masa yang terbuang jika dihabiskan untuk benda yang baik. takde istilah rugi bangun malam untuk solat sebab lagi patut study, takde masa tolong mak sebab nak belajar setiap masa, taknak luang masa sekejap untuk tahu pasal umat. aku tau benda kecik macam ni lagi besar maknanya kalau betul niat, tapi kalini aku lupa. thanks ummul ingatkan :')

aku sangat percayakan berkat. sebab aku tau, takde benda yang semuanya terletak pada diri sendiri. kita hidup ada habluminallah, habluminannas. life is like a long equation with all kinds of operations and symbols and unknowns and integers and formulas, connected complicatedly and tangled together to form one answer.

that is life. not this:

me = the result.

in fact, life is more than that.

life is all that mathematical mess equals to the answer which is also linked by more nonsensical numbers which has one identity: the final answer. geddit?

example 1A.

Allah's mercy + mom's prayers - (backbiting x backstabbing / sins)  x charity^sincerity = excellent grades / (average income - failed relationship) + best friends x happy family  ≡ good life.

see? SEE? you've just gotta calculate the equation as a whole.

ok enough mathematics here i feel nauseous already haha

so the point is, i have always believed in berkat. berkat ialah belas kasihan, kasih sayang. redha ialah restu. dua benda ni yang tolong kita bila kita takleh tolong diri sendiri. and all my life these two things are what have been helping me cos i can't do shit on my own. i need berkat manusia dan keredhaan Allah. i need budi bicara. it all depends on who. so no matter how bad i am and only mama and Allah know how bad i can be, i'm blessed with forgiving and loving people, a very forgiving and loving mom and The Most Forgiving and Loving God. that's how i survive. not because of me.

but there's still my role to complete the whole equation. 

so i'm staying, and studying.

insyaAllah.

lagipun aku suka sebenarnya belajar kat rumah, sebab teringat zaman sekolah. zaman nak pmr, nak spm. i can do whatever the heaven i want bila dalam bilik sendiri. oh my my, mmm, the privacy. tapi nak mula study tu yang payah. i shall lock myself in my room and lock my laptop outside. after this, ehhem.

i think there's a question that has been bugging all of us from the start.

why aint i going on europe tour too you say? 

WHYYY?!

that is a heart-breaking story. memula memang aku nak pergi. aku dah berangan camwhoring dengan bunga tulip, dekat trafalgar square i haven't been at in 16 years, depan eiffel tower finally making use of french, kat mana-mana lagi tah kat europe tu. sesungguhnya aku sudah berharap. sebelum aku cek takwim intec dan mendapati masa tu aku belum lagi habis sem.... in fact aku tengah exam.

takyah cerita la kekecewaan dia. merajuk jap ngan mak aku sehari. sebab aku mintak dia mintak group tour tu tunda lambat sikit sebab aku nak pergi tapi dia tak mintak lololol suka hati kau je, ingat ni bapak kau punya travelling agency?!

but most of all, it was not my disappointment which made me feel reluctant, but my concern. reluctant to let her go alone. fine dia pergi satu group, tapi tak sama tanpa aku, tahu? i have always been the one who takes care of my mom. i'm the paranoid one. i'm the overprotective one. there was a time when i didn't even let her go across the state without me, let alone across the sea! i might be useless but at least i would be there, you get me? i would take a bullet and stop a train for her. i was the mother whenever we travel, when we went to New Zealand only the both of us to visit my bro and when we went to Mekah and Madinah, i was the navigator, the map, the gps, the everything. i might not play that big a role, but i have a role.

i'm worried, like a mom worries for her child. maybe even more cos i can't bear another mom.

i can't bear another parent.

you don't understand.

pray. whenever you feel something which you can't do anything about, even if you do something, even everything will not be enough, like your love for your mother, all you can actually do is pray. the simplest, yet the strongest of action. pray. Allah listens every second, Allah sees the sincerity. 

so please, i ask you to make a simple, yet sincere prayer for my mom. keep her healthy and safe from Malaysia to Europe and all the way back to Malaysia to me. and please pray for my success in A-level too, so i can have my own Europe Tour later T_T

(imagine going on europe tour with le husband during sem break omaaaiii ok just to lighten the mood just)

oh dua hari ni aku dapat beli seluar, baju, cardigan, tudung dan fon baru. ye. welcome amaa to the land of the latest technology! lol. tu pun sebab fon lama memberi masalah. fon lama ialah fon yang mak aku kasi seprais for pmr, fon yang masa tu gempaklah jugak so aku rasa bersalah nak tukar sebab sedangkan nokia 3120 aku pun penuh sentimental value, apa tah lagi ni. but i had to, i had to u no.

there are some reasons why i wouldn't change my phone. one of them being the classic kind of inbox, the little envelopes, the separate messages of received and sent items. of course it is not as easy as the conversation type which you can just scroll through, but the classic one is easy when you want to trace back old memories of certain dates (tarikh. lol), special texts and see what people said, random talks and meaningless chats excluded. it's so nostalgic and i'll really miss it.

i once said i didn't like my E71 right? but now, i do. i guess tak kenal maka tak cinta. dah terbiasa, baru suka :) tapi dah sampai masanya, tsk. don't worry i'll treasure you forever like the hoarder i am.

my new phone is not that large. i seriously can't see why people would buy phones the size of their face. it's for your ears, isn't it? it's either quite small to be called a phone, or large enough to be called a tablet. it either fits in your pocket, or your bag. there's no in between folks.

i had my eyes on this one phone but my hands said no... have you seen my hands? have you?! kita kena ukur fon di tangan sendiri. so this new phone is just perfect for my considerably tiny hand. i like it, but like every change it takes some getting used to. besar gedabak pun susah nak camwhore tau tak. kang nak selfies sangat ada yang terbarai kang. and aku nak fon yang boleh masuk poket je, or handbag. takde aku nak carry fon merata. dan takde makna aku nak pegi kedai mamak bawak bag. jadi haruslah muat dalam poket. aku kalau boleh purse pun taknak bawak, duit sumbat dalam seluar je, what dyu expect?

the non-feminine side of me.

with this new phone, hopefully i'll start anew. the memories were not deleted, the memories are kept in my old phones. but i just need to leave all that behind and store it somewhere and start a new, in a way, life.

at least, for now.

to new starts! and exams! kbai.