Third Teasing

Recently someone left a comment on a post here: "how's your life now ama?"

How's my life eh? I'm sorry i've totally abandoned this blog no matter how many times i said i wouldn't. i'm sorry to this blog, i'm sorry to the younger, hopeful, determined me, i'm sorry to my long dead hobby and what used to be my talent. it looks like i'm getting crappier as a person as i grow up. with nothing that lasts and nothing that can make me say "hey, i am good at it and i actually stick to it!"

i'm sorry to my younger self for everything that i don't end up to be. oddly enough, i guess i should say sorry to whoever who used to read this blog because i lied when i said i would keep blogging. i don't think anybody would care. but then again, i don't want to do or not do things just because people care, or not.

my latest picture. i hiked the highest mountain in british isles.

i'm living in the UK, it's my third year now, and you would think i have so much to talk about. so much to write, to preserve online so one day i can look back in the manner of modern reminiscing. but nope, i ain't blog no sht.

but i can promise you, dear commenter and whoever, that i am not as miserable as i sound. i have the tendency to converse with my blog as if my dog just died. i don't even own a dog. i can't. even if i could i don't think i would. because i'm not sure i could handle the clinginess. but i would love to have such company a dog can provide. such loyalty. i'd be devastated though once it's dead, so i don't think i would go down that road. i try to minimize future damage, you see. anyway. i'm okay. in fact, you can say i am happy. as much as i can be. and i have not been happier in a long time. so i'm good.

of course, there are days when life decides to tease me. because one can't live without being knocked down once in a while yeah? but i get up, and i am not bruised. at least, not more than i have been. generally though, besides not feeling anything, i will emphasize, i am happy. alhamdulillah.

a little about the aforementioned teasing: in these past three years, during my time away in this cloudy, foggy, tea-loving land, i have had severe existential crisis (first year), major homesickness (second year), and the usual stuff that's not surprising yet no less comforting to have to face.

tonight, i think i might have an addition to the teasing.

addition: i am lonely (third year).

wow. that sounds bizarre, coming from me. the last time i felt lonely, that was because i was involved in a little drama that made me feel alone. now, no drama, and i am alone. i have been for two years - about to be three. it's no big deal; i rarely feel lonely. i have always been contented in my solitude. at peace, even. i love me some peace after the said dramatic phase. some quiet will do me good.

i am not alone, alone. i have friends here. i have loved ones even though they are far. they never make me feel like we are apart. i may seem all by myself but i believe i am not.

but, i think... three years are enough to live like this.

tonight, i just noticed i feel lonely. i admitted to myself that now i am something i almost never was: lonely. and that is not a bad thing. i took a couple of minutes digesting this brand new information (it was not easy to grasp at first). i took my moments, then i resumed my life.

i am entitled to feeling lonely. i think succumbing to it only after two years, it's quite an achievement! some people wouldn't last two months. but i survived all this time, and i will survive this last few months. it is a big thing for me to feel lonely. hello, introvert and proud? but this introvert is entitled to this loneliness. i own it. lonely, and still proud.

sure, the situation could have been way more ideal, but you have what you have. you live with it.

it builds character. you come out stronger, more independent. now is the time when i am tired of being self-sufficient and i wish i could be dependent on somebody, but this is also the time when i have to fight this on my own, more than ever. it's my battles and demons. always have been, so i'm not going to tell other people to do it for me.

so how about that for how's my life now?

Gimme A Map, A Place, or A Somebody To Be

alhamdulillah. i've finished my first year of degree :)

*stop reading if you wish to stick to the positive things*

words cannot describe how thankful i am for getting this chance. 

but what can i say? i have found everything, but i have lost myself.

what's worse than not being content with what you've got, is not being content with what you've been given when you used to want it so much.

i know i shouldn't be feeling this, which is why i feel worse. that's what people are going to say anyway. so i just keep quiet. because you don't see it for it to be real to you. or maybe it just exists to me. i make up my own unhappiness and it's all my fault.

what does this girl who has got everything have to complain?

but i am not complaining. i'm just blaming me.

i'm afraid too, that i shouldn't feel like this and i would be punished for it. maybe i am already being punished, that's why i'm feeling like this.

but the feeling is just there. it's always there. no matter how happy i get. even if sometimes i forget it.

i don't like this feeling because it will ruin everything. i know it will affect everything else if i let it. my relationships with people, not just the academic and professional aspects of life. so i don't let it. other people are not responsible for how i feel towards myself.

that is the number one rule to love others, even when you hate yourself. even when others seem to have it better.

be an adult and suck it up. while you're with others, be crazy and funny and happy.

apparently it's easy to succumb to feeling less responsible for your own feelings when you have somebody to depend on emotionally. even if you've depended on yourself all your life. suddenly you are a kid. don't do that. don't hold them accountable for what you feel. you have to be strong as though you are all you've got. don't let them be your excuse for being weak. at first instance of being weak in hope they will give you strength, kick that kid up.

be strong as if all you have is yourself. find that within you, do not look for it in anyone else. because if you don't find it in them, you'll feel they are to be blamed. YOU motivate, push, reassure YOURSELF. if you abandon yourself, it's not anyone's job to make you feel worthy again. if you're not feeling good, it's because you don't make yourself feel good. 

other people can make you happy, but they can't give happiness to you. you're your own responsibility.

this is what i told myself. but maybe it's all just talk.

i've got what i wanted, but i've lost the very thing that helped me to be here.

i was always driven. but now, i don't feel any drive.

i used to do it all for myself. i didn't even do it for my parents. because i had my own motivation, i didn't need any external force to push me. mom didn't push me the way i did. i pushed myself enough. because i aimed high enough, and i was crazy enough to think i could achieve it. now i don't have all that. only now, when nothing's left, do i understand what it means to do it just for your parents. not even for yourself.

thinking mama is praying so hard for me. mama has done so much. i should do this at least for her.

i have lost myself, that i basically only have mama.

does that make me a bad daughter, or does it mean i am just so screwed?

i'm so tired of feeling like this. it's like a hole i keep falling into. sometimes people bring me flowers, sometimes the sun shines through, but it doesn't take away the fact that i am in a hole, which in my mind, i dig myself. 

preach about it from academical or religious point of view, thank you. but of course i knew it all already. of course that's what i've been telling myself. i don't just let myself drown, you know. i tried. but the hole is too deep.

i've broken down too much i can't build anything up anymore. not even hope. it gets to the point where i feel i should talk to somebody, like i need help. real help. but that's probably just me being overdramatic. just ignore it.

i've made some attempts to change things. it did not work. but i'll try again with other things...

i want to find what i've lost. i want to find that focus again. i want to think of what i want like i used to do, and like i used to do, make it happen.

i want to feel the stress. i want to feel the struggle to get what i want. 

my problem is, i don't know what i want anymore. i've got what i wanted, now what? i thought by going with the flow, and taking life easy, that would chill me down, that would be good for me. but instead, i let myself down. it's bad for me, not being stressed out to get something. struggles, are good. it's good to have something worth fighting for. now i don't have any cause in life. no fight.

i've long known, i just don't know how...

i've told you it's petty. you should have stopped reading.

i don't know when did i become this person who is in need for self-love. i thought not letting all those things define me shows that i love myself enough in spite of not becoming what the world wants me to be. but i forgot i have my wants too, and not becoming what i want, deprives me of the self-love i once had and treasured. i used to feel i was enough. now, having people loving me, isn't even enough for me to love myself. what an irony.

i am afraid this will make me unable to love selflessly. because to love people selflessly, you have to fully love yourself first.

and i want to be easy to love. i don't want to make it hard for people who love me.

i feel useless and worthless, it actually makes me sad. i think that's why i'm so down all the time. it affects my mood to study, it affects my mood with people. i try to hide it or distract it, suppressing in any way i can but it just happens. it doesn't change the fact that i feel it.

i don't have any mark in this world. i don't have any impact in people's lives. the world and people need changing, but my existence doesn't change a thing. i could have just been a bird and it would make no difference. even birds have their functions.

is it because i didn't choose what would push me the hardest. but no. don't regret your choices. don't. i chose this and Allah chose it for me. i am the one who has to make the most out of it. at least something. it's not grand, but it will be good. i've always favoured good over grand anyway. the thing is at this rate, it's nothing.

when i feel like this, i'd like to think about The Fault in Our Stars. the guy, is something like me. he wanted to do good things in life. but instead, he was sick. and dying. and became a burden. he felt like what i feel. the only difference is he at least had a legit reason for feeling like that. i am alive and kicking. and still feel just as bad.

anyway, it got to the point where the girl had to tell him off. that him feeling useless and worthless made it seem as if she meant nothing to him when he had touched her life too. she said he might want to be a hero, but that's not his life. he got her, that's the best he could get, so suck it up. sorry it's not the world you changed, but me. something like that.

i used this a lot to help me cope.

but i still know that's fiction, thank you.

and i will still feel it anyway.

others think i could be an inspiration, where i am now. they don't know that being here, i am not inspired at all. but it's okay, oxygen will get me by.

i have this habit of making "ama emo" a thing. i say it a lot to purposely make it lose its meaning. i don't know why but it's how i deal with things when i don't want people to make me deal with it. kind of my escape word. because it happens, so you don't have to worry about it. it's just ama emo moments. it's gonna go away.

don't worry about it. i'm gonna be ok :)

Flying Off #3: Flying Off, Finally

Dah 6 bulan lebih dah aku kat uk. ada eloknya kalau aku sambung cerita pasal fly tu. hahahaha.

so we've reached the climax! the day itself!

the day was, hectic. hectic. hectic. done? yeah, hectic. i spent my last morning till afternoon in malaysia, not at home. but out and about. settled some last minute business. bought some things. met and called some people. then upon parking my car for the last time, feeling both sad and grateful, i said goodbye. see you in one year time. be good. i love you. don't let ateh sell you. scream in case of danger.

once i was finally at home i had to do final packing. yes, i'd been procrastinating. but it wasn't totally my fault! i did start early with the shopping..... hehehe. and a few days earlier i'd already started packing..... it was the finalizing on the day itself and cramming stuffs to every possible centimeter which made it really stressful :'( it was not my fault there were too many things to bring. i was moving to another country for god's sake. i had to dump most of them anyway. the bags were heavy as hell i had no idea how i'd handle it alone :'( serabut tau :'(

there was a friend of babah who wanted to see me. she was kinda his best friend and she likes to tell me about mama and babah's love story. i felt so sorry for her. i feel so sad now thinking about it. she asked me to go to her house, but i had my hands full, and honestly i couldn't be bothered. i felt bad but i wished she would understand i couldn't see her that day. i was so, so, sorry but i just couldn't. my mom and brothers kept telling me about it but i really didn't want to go because i didn't have enough time! she couldn't come on her own because her husband who always drove her around had died not even a year ago and her children were busy :""(

so she came to my house with a cab T____T she's old T_T i felt like such a bad person. still do T_T she brought food and fruits and cookies T_T she cooked babah's favourite lauk for me and this ungrateful girl can't even remember what it was. i think it was masak lemak telur itik. she said babah nurul suka ni T_T i only had a little of it because i was eating my mom's chicken rice rushingly T_T i couldn't even eat my mom's own cooking with my mom for the last time T___T and i didn't even eat the fruits which might have been langsat and the cookies which might have been tart nenas T__T she said i could eat the fruits when i was at the airport and i could bring the cookies to uk but i had not much time at the airport and no empty space in the bags T_T i'm so sorry auntie T_T i'll remember your advice on not giving hope to guys lol and your story about your niece because some guys are psychos T_T i hope i'll see you this raya. i wouldn't even mind if you sembang lama and cium me banyak kali this time T_T guise, i'm seriously sad guise.

bukan hanya beliau yang datang ke rumah waktu genting begini. mungkin orang ingat aku dah siap packing tinggal bergolek goyang kaki je kot. kalau aku la, aku mesti call tanya dulu, tengah tunggang langgang ke tenang tu. kami nak datang babai ni. tu kalau aku laaa, tapi ni orang lain.

masa tu aku nak makan pastu mandi. aku turun, rilek dengan towel di bahu dan tiada tudung di kepala. dah sampai bawah... ADA SEPUPU LAKI. terus lari naik atas. terus mandi je. ADA ORANG KOT NAMPAK AKU TENGAH TURUN, DAH KENAPA TAK BERSUARA CAKAP ADA TETAMU?! NI YG AKU NAK MENGAMUK KAN. gua dah la stress, lapar, sedih. niat nak makan tergendala. mana la tak emo berganda-ganda.

dah habis emo diam-diam, terus bersiap lah head to toe. turunlah aku dengan senyuman :) minta maaf sebab sibuk, takde masa nak diluang bersama. sesusah je datang, terima kasih. ye baik, aku jaga diri. doakanla tak lupa daratan ke apa. hm ye, ye.

memang kejap je pun jumpa dorang, pastu dorang balik. kawan babah tu ada lagi, kesian sebab takde sape nak ambik dia balik kot omg sambung nangis T_T sibukla dia dok cedok lauk dia tu bagi aku rasa masa aku makan nasi ayam mak aku. ma, ma taknak duduk makan dengan ayu ke T_T mama tak makan pun, mama duduk teman jap je T_T pastu auntie pun balik. tenang seminit. siap makan. terus bertolak. babai.

babai sayang, awak tak ikut hantar ayu. rindu comel gemuk kebal tebal ni. suka senyum sesaje. mengada tau. awak tak ingat ayu dah. awak dah besar. pasni jumpa air liur mesti dah busuk.

dalam kete, aku duduk belakang dengan mama. diam je. diam sebab nangis hahah. bersyukur pergi airport dengan uda bukan abang lain yg bawak anak bini sama. kalau tak celah mana aku nak nyorok nanges ni. taktaula uda sedar tak paham tak pehal diam je kat belakang tu. takde teresak-esak sroih sroih pun. menangis yg air mata mengalir tak benti, mama je saksi. peluk la puas-puas, pegang tangan taknak lepas. masa tu baru rasa, sebab takde distraction pape. just me in the car, on the way to the new destination. just me, the reality and feelings. 

nak fly dah?

nak tinggalkan rumah? tinggalkan malaysia? tinggalkan mama?

paling lama pernah tinggalkan? lama gila takkan jumpa?

Allah tolong jagakan...

dah sampai airport, kabut balik. hilang dah sedih. takpe puas dah nangis tadi. kita sambung rasa cuak kalau beg ni terlebih berat dan padat, lalu aktiviti memunggah keluar barang diteruskan. sampai je, terus keluarkan barang dalam beg besar yg nak check in, dalam kete gak kat depan pintu tu lol. lepas beg besar dah check in, rombak semula beg-beg kecik cabin dalam airport. ha bilanya aku nak lek. pastu abang-abang aku yang lain pun sampai lambat. biasa dah.

sedih jugak, sebab tak dapat nikmati saat terakhir elok-elok. mama mesti stress tengok aku stress. serius aku dapat rilek bila dah lepas solat maghrib. masa tu beg semua settle akhirnya. tinggal aku je nak settle ni, sob.

masa aku tengah kabut-kabut tadi, ada kawan yang call la yang message la. aku tak sempat nak layan, jadi aku tak layan hahaha. tapi si hazirah ni, sibuk message awak kat mana awak kat mana. dah la tak datang hantar aku, tanya lagi buatpe?! kat airport la! yang aku tau nak datang hantar aku sorang je. omar dengan kamil memula kata nak datang, pastu cakap tak jadi. tapi tetiba omar ke kamil tah message cakap farabi tanya aku katne. dah kenapa kau yg tanyakan untuk dia?

aku takde hal kalau orang tak datang. selama ni aku bayangkan bila aku fly aku memang taknak sesapa ada. gua tak touching orang tak hantar la apa la. lagi bagus takde korang tengok aku emo hahah. hantar ni semua bukan apa-apa. takpe. i know yall love me anyway. hahakz.

(ok la ada sekali touching. sebab hajer tak datang, pastu orang yang nak datang tu kengkonon taktau jadi datang ke tak. saje memain dia ni. kau bebetul la, kalau tak datang cakap tak datang. biar aku dah terima awal2 kau takkan ada. macam hazirah. walaupun taknak dorang berdua ada pun, malam masa mengemas tu takleh elak dari rasa sobsob sikit)

masa tu pun aku tengah on the phone lagi, mana la nak reply orang message bagai. hidup aku kan drama sikit, jadi baiklah aku call sedara yang macam ada touching dengan aku hahaha. lepas tu, tetiba hazirah call. dia tanya awak kat mana, awak, awak, awak kat mana???

kat airport la!

dia tanya yela, dalam airport katne?!

sumpah pelik, tapi layankan jela. kat belakang sekali ada pentas, kat situla kat depan tu. tetiba je dengar orang jerit "amaaa!!" pusing je nampak haz dengan wani berlari tercungap-cungap. aku pun jerit aaaaaahhhh pastu peluk gelak-gelak hahhahha.

korang ni gila la!

memang seprais! tak sangkaaa. masa haz message tanya siap call lagi beriya bunyi kabut sikit, aku tak syak pape langsung. tetiba je ada depan mata. dorang cakap dari jauh dorang nampak budak tudung putih cakap kat fon dari belakang, dorang tau tu aku :")

faham tak perasaan kena seprais when you least expect it?!

yang sampai dulu farabi dengan omar, pastu baru bebudak perempuan ni. muar pun ada, muar kawan mrsm hazirah, tapi dah jadi kawan kepada semua kawan sekolah hazirah haha. kamil datang bawak girlfriend. ni kes takut orang fikir lain ke apa. sebab masa dia cakap nak hantar aku dekat whatsapp kelas, dak laki dah ejek-ejek dah lol. u guise pls move on. aku ada terfikir tah-tah sebab tu dia tak jadi hantar hahaha and omar pun cakap tak jadi datang. last-last dorang sume ada :')

with haz and wani, and my puffy eyes from crying in the car.

the last time i saw wani before that was two days earlier. she came over to my house to give me a farewell gift: a grey top. it's just so me! the style, the colour and even the size. as though she purposely bought one which would be suitable for uk weather. thick cotton and high neckline hehe. at that time, she said it wasn't gonna be the last time she saw me :')

muka berjaya buat seprais

of course i believed she wasn't gonna come because she couldn't. we'd said our goodbyes, even though it wasn't grand. we were never much of a suwit suwit pair of best friends anyway. sometimes only. we show it in our own ways haha. so you're not gonna send me off like other people's best friends? too bad, but alright then. later on haz told me no way she was gonna miss it. sebab lepas pergi uk, dalam wishlist dia ialah hantar aku pergi uk. awww. dahla sebelum tu siap insta gambar kitorang dengan caption "there must be a way". she found her way :')

omar, kamil and farabi. dak laki yang aku jarang sembang tapi suka kawan bila jumpa.

sebab dak laki lain macam.... hahah k. dorang ni aku tak kisah datang beraya siap habiskan kuih raya kat rumah pun. memang buat macam rumah sendiri ye, pandai bawak diri cari balang lebih yang tersimpan rapi...

jumpa jap je lepas dorang sampai, pastu kena naik atas pentas berkumpul. lama jugak, hazirah siap message apa aku buat atas tu hahah. dengar briefing, dapat pins pakai kat blazer (supaya orang tau kami students from malaysia under jpa. ada priviligenya k, macam longgar sikit security and takyah beratur lelama), baca doa. lepas turun pentas, ada beberapa minit je dengan keluarga dan sahabat handai.

selfie2, peluk2, babai. aku cam rushing jugakla. salam pun takde fefeeling. last sekali peluk dengan mama lama cium banyak kali, tapi takde nak babak air mata ayat drama ke apa. aku cam ok babai semua ha dia panggil dah kena gi sana kbyeee. lol. but seriously.

masa aku pergi beratur nak turun tu pun, kengkawan je ikut. family stay depan pentas at the same spot sebab nanti boleh tengok dari atas kot. kengkawan pun tak ikut sampai hujung, tetiba je dorang dah takde. and i was all alone. with people in tears and red faces. aku je krik krik. tenang. sempat lagi tanya orang belakang "awak ok?"

pastu turun.

masa kat escalator dah nampak di kejauhan keluargaku melambai dan memanggil :')

dah sampai bawah baru nampak kengkawan yang terlindung sikit :')

masa tu la baru nak kenal kengkawan baru hahah. serius, aku kira fly solo ni. ada yang aku kenal, tapi kenal nama je. ada baru kenal kat btn. ada gak baru kenal masa kat bawah tu. kenal muka je selama ni tapi masa tu baru tanya nama. the three of us sticked together throughout our journey to sheffield. to a new faraway land with new friends. kitorang ni geng takde geng lol and we acknowledged and embraced it! balik mesia nanti pun sesama hahah. ok tak sabar sob sob.

kitorang paling ramai. 60 orang fly serentak satu malam. memang meriah sangat airport malam tu. 

that's my family up there

orang atas semua memanggil-manggil nama, jerit, lambai. dah kata, airport malam tu bukan je meriah, tapi panas and bising! :')

then it's time to go.

that's me second at the front

so that's that. the last time i saw my family and my friends. i waved at my family to the last glimpse because they were near the last place we walked to before we completely disappeared from view.

dah duduk dalam flight, barula boleh bukak fon. baca semua pesanan. bukak hadiah. dan nangis. ha baru tau sedih. sedih baca apa orang tulis. sedih fikir apa yang kita tinggalkan. sedih terharu, sedih sayang, sedih sedih. sedih semualah. masa flight dah gelap sebab dah nak naik tu, lagila makin mencurah air mata aku. ni lagi sekali nangis yang diam takde bunyi langsung, tapi air mata mengalir tak benti. terutama masa tengah naik tu. nampak muka orang-orang yang aku sayang. yang takkan jumpa untuk beberapa lama. ingat mama. doa, doa, doa. cakap dekat diri sendiri dalam hati. cakap dekat Allah.

"this is it. this is the time you've been waiting for. for years. after everything. this is it. you're flying."

teringat segala benda yang jadi dalam hidup ni, untuk sampai ke detik tu.

aku duduk sebelah dua orang putih. nasib baik. takdela budak-budak lain nampak aku camne masa tu. takde la orang nak tenangkanla usap-usapla. no. biar sahaja aku sendiriii

i was glad i didn't cry saying goodbye. i expected myself to cry. but i didn't, because i had cried earlier, and then cried later, and i guess i was just too busy with the surrounding - taking pictures and talking, even after i was not busy with bags anymore - so i didn't get to focus on the situation. i was so cool in front of everyone. i'd like people to remember me that way. but at the same time know that i care :)

the card came with wani's top, and the rest in melah's survival kit for me

 hazirah knew i needed this, k. and hazirah knew i'd love everything pink!

and another surprise. i opened the box before boarding the plane. but read the note on the plane. hence the feelings. cis. pandai ek first attempt. surprise because this was the second farewell gift! the first one consisted of food and topup hahaha

all that and these three were what i brought with me to uk.

of course, i brought along those i love with me in my heart. it feels a bit heavy to leave, but it makes my heart big. and happy, even when i'm faraway and alone :)

C1!!!

Thanks korang sbb buat seprais tetiba datang :") you came to say goodbye to me but i'm sorry if i didn't say it properly :'( ada yang sedih katanya sebab lepas ama turun ama tak pandang pun. i'm really sorry, i didn't know what to do with you guys up there so i just waved and left... i wish we had better goodbyes. but trust me i reaaally appreciate it. terharu gila k jejauh datang, ada yang pepetang naik public transport, drive meredah kesesakan lalu lintas sume sampai ponteng kelas pun ada hm :")

Enam bulan yg lepas, stress sbb macam2 hal. Patutnya hari terakhir kat tanah air terchenta nak la tenang sikit. Tapi bagusla, sibuk sampai tak sempat nak sedih. Kat airport pun kabut dgn bag. Lepas settle semuanya, tak terasa lagi sbb family mmg ramai, tetiba kawan2 pun ada. Sibuk berpeluk bergambar pulak. Terima kasih jadi sweet surprise pleasant distraction gitu, walaupun memula aku ckp takyah datang kat sesapa :') 

It was a day i've probably daydreamt about since forever. Still seems surreal that i'm here. There were the stage, the students all in the same attire. Just like i imagined. But it was better, because it happened. Alhamdulillah. What did i feel when i was down there looking up at all the people above - the family and friends of 60 of us, calling, waving, cheering? I felt relieved. I'm not sure what exactly being happy is, but i wasn't sad. A good kind of sad, at least. 

At the end of it, there was a round of applause. It's a feeling i will never forget. The journey just began, but it felt like a pat on the back. 

So dream, because you can do it :)

p/s: yes i've lost a few pounds since i arrived. that was a fatter than usual me. not looking my best but that's alright, i did feel my best :'D

Homesick in Sheffield

Dah kenapa tetiba homesick ni...

Tetiba sangat tau. First time. Ingatkan dapatla kata at least setengah tahun di perantauan tanpa homesick. Tapi tak kesampaian. Pernah jugak sekali terindu tapi tak sampai macam ni, mungkin sebab tak berkesempatan nak layan perasaan. Orang hepi kat airport, dalam flight nak gi turkey, masa tu la aku nak rindu mama. Mama suka jenjalan kat airport tengok apa ada. Kalau naik flight dengan mama mesti best. Ah sudah, terpaksa tahan terkebil-kebil.

Sebab tu la malas rindu-rindu ni. Payah. Biasanya takde perasaan je. Memang default mode aku dekat uk: tak rasa pape. Tengok orang lain rindu la homesick la apa la, aku macam... Lek je. Sekali tak lek, camni terus.

Sedih tak pepasal malam ni. Takde hujan takde ribut. Sedih sangat kenapa tah, haih. Puncanya tetiba je teringat dulu selalu drama dekat rumah. Lepas tu terkenang la pulak mama je yang ada untuk aku. Tempat menangis, tempat bergantung. Tempat mengadu. Ha pastu habis ah. Sampai sekarang tak reda lagi ni. Fiuuu fiuuu.

Mama jela satu-satunya yang pernah tengok aku seteruk-teruknya. Aku yang sedih dan menyedihkan. Mama takleh buat apa-apa, mungkin jugak taktau nak buat apa. Mama tak reti pujuk-pujuk ni. Mama kan bukan jenis berperasaan macam aku. Tapi ada dia je cukup, walaupun dia takleh ubah apa-apa. Dia duduk teman aku dalam bilik. Bila dia cakap sikit-sikit, tu pun dah rasa lebih dari cukup, tu pun rasa terubat sikit. "takpe...", "biar je"... Mana boleh takpe, takleh la biar, tapi sebab ada mama..... Ok T_T bila dia tepuk-tepuk, usap-usap, alihkan rambut, lap air mata tu lagi laaa T____T k kenapa aku buat diri sendiri camni ya Allah T_T

Rindu mama..... Masa call semalam dah rasa rindu semacam. Biasa call sembang je takde pun rasa-rasa ni. I don't like this :(

Ni belum ada problem lagi... Kalau ada problem lagi la teruk homesick nanti macam zaman kegelapan kat intec dulu. Nauzubillah. I try to live as drama-free as possible, even if it means keeping a distance from people. Dulu boleh gak lari balik rumah. Sekarang ni cakap kat fon pun connection takde la line tak clear la.

Harap apa yang dikeluarkan ni tak masuk balik dalam kepala. Harap esok bila bangun, kembali menjadi tiada perasaan. Harap semua ok je.

Mama nanti ayu balik tau. Sementara ni, doa jelah. Allah je boleh jaga. Jauhnya... :'(

When feeling bad is good

Suddenly i feel bad, but maybe i should. I'm not doing what i should be doing here in uk. I'm a scholar and a scholar shouldn't be a lazyass. I'm already here. Allah has given me everything, i have left my mom for this, people have paid for my studies... And what have i been doing all this time? I'm so ashamed of myself. If only the world knew they'd say i don't deserve it. I never overestimate myself or undermine anything, this is just how i am :'( Sedih sangat... Bila rasa bersyukur tu memang tak pernah habis tapi gaya macam tak bersyukur langsung. Thank you for giving me a wake up call without you knowing. Even though rasa macam ditampar hahaha. That's my conscience, see. The pits of being guilty. If i feel it, i feel it, nobody has to blame me. All it takes is something seemingly small or even unintended, to be said. To bring out the guilt in me. Or maybe it depends on who saying it since this never happened before, i don't know. How long will this epiphany stay, i have no idea. But it feels bad, and it's good :(

The Year I Made It - 2014 :)

2014 has been... one heck of a year.

the first three quarter of the year, if you told me of the things that would happen in the last quarter of 2014 and that i would be sitting here typing this in Sheffield, i would say "jangan memain boleh tak?"

because everything else was going wrong, i would have troubles believing things would be going right. alhamdulillah :)

my previous post was supposed to be followed by another post in which i would talk about bad memories, which often make good stories. yes, it's all in the past but i'd just have to write it down, maybe to give it its final rest or otherwise it kept floating in my head and giving me reasons to be sad when i shouldn't be. yes, i am guilty of thinking about it even when i'm in the better part of the year. i am sad abut the past, and i am happy now. but i couldn't help thinking about what had happened, i don't know why. it was really bothering me. that i'd shed a tear. or two.

but now, this very second, i'm not there anymore. so why should i talk about the bad things? when there are good things i can talk about. or can't talk about. or won't. wink, haha.

even with the worse three quarter of the year, i still have troubles accepting the better quarter. keep telling myself just be happy now ama, before your happiness is taken away again for whatever reason nauzubillah... :( it's not like i'm in a state where everything is oh so perfect and i super love my life and i'm the happiest i've ever been and oh life is at its best~ but in a way, in MY way, life's good. i'm good :) alhamdulillah.

i lost some, but i learnt so much. i gained enough, and i got what i wanted :) to list it all, oh my... 

is it possible?

ok let's try. let's list it down, in an ambiguous way so people can't really figure out what i'm talking about, as always. shall we? haha!

1. aku freaking fly weh. can you believe that? i still can't. dream uni, dream course. childhood dreams. against all odds. bailed mrsm, stayed in lembah, intec almost killed me academically and personally that i considered to bail last year and couldn't wait to leave this year. felt like i flunked - passed. didn't pass uni requirement - got accepted. weh.

2. don't trust people anymore. cukup siapa ada sekarang. insyaallah sentiasa ada. nobody to find, no friend to make. nothing's wrong with that. i've found the people and make the friends i cherish. that is enough. life is complete. unless i happen to do so along the way which is okay, i'm just not desperate to discover new individuals, open up, and be disappointed again.

3. i spent the first half of 2014 being unhappy. i didn't go out, i didn't eat properly, i lost weight (which was good, but i gained it again, also because i wasn't happy)(when essential things in life fail to make you happy, you seek false sense of happiness in other things instead - good food, surplus of clothes)(i spent every friday in the two months of exam going to the office to collect my online shopping items and secret recipe afterwards, studying and eating alone for the whole day), i cried in class, in my house, at the kerusi, to my mom, to the ground. god, ama. i'm not one to feel lonely even when i'm alone. so something must have happened to make me feel alone even when surrounded by people. it takes much to make me say i'm lonely, and i was.

4. you don't know who cares about you, and guess what? they don't know that you care about them too! unless you bloody tell them! i've made this mistake a couple of times this year... years. didn't you know? i'm the best at showing i couldn't care less. but this time it cost more than i ever thought it could. you both didn't know that you were thinking of each other, that you both were stealing glances, and wanted to talk... this is a mistake of all sides, too discouraged or too ego, and how would we even know? but if i said or did anything earlier... it would have been better. we were young and stupid and wrong :(

5. talk. talk it out. i've always wanted to talk about things. so i'm just telling everyone out there that... YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT. whatever that has been bothering you, or the things you've been keeping inside. i wanted to talk about something once, but i was denied the chance. then when things got worse, i didn't feel like talking anymore. i just stayed silent. till the end. because the things that were there to talk about? had mounted and was already too much to handle.

6. stay the hell out of other people's business, thank you. even if you mean it well. well, thanks, but i repeat, stay the hell away.

7. oooh, the truth always comes out. always. it's just a matter of time. too bad for me, much of the truth i found out right before i started my alevel exam. couldn't have had a better timing, eh? so next time if you want to talk shit about others, or tell bullshits to others, or do shitty things you aren't supposed to do, think about that. okay? :)

8. i'm getting bitter here. hahaha. don't be bitter! i was bitter for a while. because i didn't want to get hurt any longer. if you're sensitive, you get hurt. if you're cold, you hurt others. what will you choose? i've been both. in the end, i'd say being soft is better than being harsh. being warm is better than being cold. and being sweet is better than being better. you've just gotta find the right balance, and build a strong defense rather than use a defense mechanism that hurts others in return.

9. you are alone in your life. face it. you will always be alone in the end. brace it. embrace it.

10. i was once in a position which i was attacked, by being said i was the one attacking, ha ha. but what did i do? i defended the person. i justified for them. i tried to understand their position. and i was the one losing my temper? :') probably because i was too shocked i couldn't even be angered, i just sat there staring straight ahead and wondered "why me?" so i say, keep a cool head, even when people say you're hot-headed :)

11. i learn to act cool oh so coolly! i mean, act cool. not that i could act in a cool way. still, i gave myself a pat on the back for having such a talent i didn't know i had. to face the world when all i wanted was hide, to smile when the day before i had cried, to talk nicely even when i knew what you talked about me. no, it's not being fake. it's being polite. it's not being hypocrite, it's being mature. we put the unnecessary behind us, and focus on the necessary before us. such as the exam.

12. not everybody are like you. upon knowing this, you still don't have to be like them. for example: you don't talk about people because you thought they wouldn't talk about you, but they did? don't talk about them still! i knew that not everybody will like me, i learnt that years ago. but to know that people don't hold the same values as i do, it's something new :(

13. some losses are gains. if it was good, it would have stayed.

14. friendships with unexpected people at unexpected times. although i had to treat it as a secret as if it was a scandal. the one when it was a guy friend, understandable. but the girl friend? hahahah, as if she was my girl-friend! she was one of the very few friends i felt i had left. and him, too. so i had two friends i treasured, but i couldn't be seen with them. because somebody(s) would get jealous, and i was always the one trying not to get anybody hurt.

15. but i still got people hurt, and that was unavoidable... inevitable :( sometimes, there is no other way... and i feel bad to this day. to all that i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. i'm so sorry. 

16. you can't control what happens, but you can control how you dress. one day after something happened, i really didn't want to go to class. the whole night i've been saying how would i go to class in this situation :( but the next morning, i got the answer. my friend who knew what was happening was surprised to see me. "pergh, ama!" i was wearing a dress and a shawl, didn't look like someone who just cried a couple of hours earlier. "kita takleh kawal apa jadi kat kita, tapi kita boleh kawal kita pakai apa." i felt a sense of power, when the truth was everything else made me feel powerless inside. you might feel your worst, but make sure you look your best :)

17. i still believe people have good intentions, even if they do bad things. it's what they do that is bad, they are not. but you know what? that's not a good enough excuse. you still did what you know you shouldn't have done, and that hurts others. i know that now. so i won't do that to other people too.

18. despite it all, i'm glad that i have a couple of underground friends, if you will. the world doesn't really know we're friends, but they know about my world and i theirs. at least, know enough. i like that, you know. there might not be cool pictures and posts of us hanging out at cool places talking about cool things, there doesn't need to be. i know we're cool enough. and of course, i thank god for the couple of friends who were always there for me at my lowest. i know i shouldn't burden them, so i tried to survive on my own. but they were still there for me. thinking of them now can give me teary eyes out of gratitude.

19. you have to be able to be happy for people when you're unhappy, and be sad about others when you're sad about yourself. i could do that, but somehow i purposely didn't... i did the right thing when i was still in intec. i retreated, i hid, i didn't tell anybody anything, i didn't feel like talking, but once somebody needed to talk to me, i'd go out of my hiding. i'd be there. but after i left intec, i really shut in and shut everybody out. i only maintained contact with a couple of people: somebody whom i thought might be the only who actually really cared about me and showed it, and somebody who needed me to be his wingwoman lol. i didn't talk to my best friend, let alone other friends. it was not that i blamed the whole human race for what happened to me, it was just i couldn't be bothered. i was tired of people in general. they exhausted me. that was so inappropriate of me when they tried to reach me...

20. I learn that it is better to have 1 person who loves you for who you really are, than 100 people pretending they do, even when the other 100 think you're not worth loving without knowing the real you. Despite everything, i'm very lucky to have some people in my life. Very few to trust, but more than enough. I forgot how sweet some souls are to me because i was too focus on how bitter hearts can be. I'm sorry. Should have just treasured what has lasted for years :)

21. bear.

21 for the age i'm going to be in 2015! weehooo!!!

of course there are more, but these are some that i can think of right now. others can be found in previous posts, fb statuses, insta caption, right before sleeping and perhaps in the toilet. hmm.

but always, always the same thing year after year is... alhamdulillah for everything ya Allah.

when things are going bad, it's too much for me to bear. when things are going good, it's more than i ever deserve. either way You always, always listen, and are always, always there, and so generous and forgiving, thanks ya Allah.

thank you for 2014, the worst and the best year, for all the experiences and lessons, good and bad. the bitter makes the good much sweeter, and the good makes the bad seem worth it :)

last year i wrote in The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013;

2013 was not a good year for me. I wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

i can say i am happy now, alhamdulillah. too afraid to say i'm happy. but may it last, insyaallah.

i'm sorry to the ones i have hurt, may Allah help you to forgive me. to those who have helped me, may Allah bless you :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR UK! FIREWORKS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AS I'M ENDING THIS POST. PERFECT TIMING!

Hello, 2015 :)

Flying Off #2: Farewell Friends

since i don't think anyone would be eager to read my life story and in this case my road to UK, so i'm writing it at my own pace... can ah? can. nobody wants to read it, but i do. the sole purpose of me blogging now is so i can read my own blog. ~very da vain~ ~narcissistic much~ ~syok sendiri~ what's that? eh suka hati akula. banyak sebab kay baca blog sendiri. tu la orang taktau. ce muhasabah sikit. hm. ok so since my own pace is one thats hella slow, i'm blogging about things which happened like, three months ago. heh. it's not how fast you go, as long as you do not stop. lulz.

did you know, that i actually had doubts about flying? dahlah sekolah rendah lagi dah berangan stadi obesi. dahlah cuba berusaha sejak dulu masa orang tak kisah pasal masa depan kau dah kisah sangat. dahlah malas tahap apa i no kid you but yes i struggled despite the kemalasan with the help of nescafe, last minute adrenaline rush, genetic composition LOL, miracles, luck, and alhamdulillah sister, doa. dahlah kawan-kawan dan cikgu-cikgu pun tau kau nak fly dan nak kau fly. dahlah masuk intec yang buat hidup tunggang langgang dari segala segi tapi berjaya keluar dan masih hidup. dahlah keputusan pun lepas masa orang lain berjuang untuk dapat peluang lepastu boleh pulak nak ragu-ragu jadah. dahlah dahlah dahlah infinity. jadi tau tak tahap mengarut dia camne bila boleh pulak nak fikir dulu nak fly ke tidak?

pebendala ama.

sampai mak aku pun kata, Allah pun konfius dengan budak ni. dulu mintak kemain, sekarang Aku dah kasi taknak pulak? hahaha. mama pun tak benti doa sejak dulu. aku pun. dua doa sejak kecik yang konsisten: 1. untuk mama 2. untuk dapat the best result in every test and exam in order to study overseas. and after everything won and lost, i dared to have doubts? hahAHAHah.

tapi ma, rasa berat nak pergi ni pun sebab mama jugak salah satunya. i legit asked if ma felt berat hati to let me go, i wouldn't. because before i went to mrsm, which was what i also wanted since forever and i was only 13 to want something that much since my version of forever, i felt berat hati and ma apparently felt the same thing. then tadaaa, i left mrsm 7 months later. but ma seemed to be at ease this time. despite makcik-makcik's and pakcik-pakcik's doubts about mama letting me go, mama didn't have any doubt. so shouldn't i.

another thing is, i didn't feel i deserve it. when i want something, i must get it. once i get it, i don't feel i deserve it. afraid to rejoice. fear that bad things will take place. the classic case of feeling undeserving. as always. i still don't deserve it. but Allah is still the Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. it's not just about flying, it's about... um, some other things as well. which i had always wanted, and i finally got it. but i kept asking, why?

"Kenapa tetiba kita dapat semua yg kita nak?"
"Sebab ama dah lama tak dapat apa yg ama nak."
:')

Just have faith. As always.


Don't worry too much ama, the future is the future. whatever will happen in the future should not influence what happens now, just as what happened in the past shouldn't. live in the moment!

and i've never been much of a living in the moment kind of person. well except when i'm procrastinating and become blind to the consequences of my action, or inaction if you may. but the rest of the day, i'm always living in either the past, or the future. like now. the past disappoints me and the future excites me, and i'm always living in between. but thats not for this post.

i told myself to accept whatever that will come, and for now my chance came. so i accepted it :)


the photos for this post are of me and my friends in our little farewell get together :")

Hari Hipster

the first one was with C1 Chicks. geli tak? geli sebab nama tu aku yg bagi. hakhakhak. good friends, good food, good place to take pictures, good looking waiter... what else not to love about Lapis Cafe? dahlah lama gila duduk situ pastu bising pastu bergambar sakan. nasib baik tak kena halau.

thanks melah, peqah, nawa, hajer, wani :) thanks melah sebab kasi Amalina's Survival Kit yang comel comel sangat isinyaaa. masa kasi tu melah yang sebak, lulz. pastu masa balik pun peluk peluk melah sebak lagi. because it was the last time i saw them, or so i thought. but for those yang belajar jauh, memang the last time lah. bye :')

you girls went to boarding schools, leaving me alone. now i'm going to uni, leaving you, still alone too. pray for me :( since form 1 till 5ever!

but before that,

HAHAHAH

this is what it means by growing mature (girly) together. haz and i killing time because we arrived like, hours early. which was no problemo because we spent an hour in the car being bimbos. just us girls turning up the radio, trying on make up, taking selfies and stuffs. 

it wasn't obvious because we were going for the natural look... ok... we tried...

OK IT WASN'T EVEN MAKE UP! HAPPY?!

then peqah and wani joined us in, as haz called my blue baby, 'kereta bimbo ama'.

before that aktiviti berbimbo dibawa ke luar dengan meminum Boost (bukan booze) sambil mendengar girl talk wani. jarang jumpa. setahun adalah dua kali purata. sekali jumpa terkeluar semua cerita hahah. sebagai ama, gua dengar je dan tolong bantu mana boleh :3

tapi ama juga perlukan bantuan. dalam kereta bimbo ama inilah ama dapat tahu yang sebenarnya apa dia buat selama ini salah!!! :O ogod what have i done, said ama to herself... sepatutnya... tak patut. tak patut ama guna sabun badan untuk sabun muka. hahahaha. all the girls be like "amaaa!! kenooot! rosak kulit muka nanti! stahppp! nooo!" mana la aku tau??? or aku tau. tapi takdela ambik serius. taula nak cuci muka kena guna pencuci muka. tapi selama ni aku guna sabun badan je ok wat... taktaula pulak tak boleh sampai begitu sekali. ya. sebenarnya aku cuci muka masa mandi dengan sabun badan, sue me. kalau aku cuci muka bebetul guna pencuci muka pun, adala seminggu sekali. dua, tiga kali kalau rajin. kalau tak memang main redah je. lecehla kena cuci muka hari-hari, tahu? sabun jela sekali masa mandi? kan cam baby. hakhakhak.

aku rasa aku pakai cream dengan compact powder pun dah cukup effort. toner, moisturizer, pebenda tah lagi tu semua... malas la k. malas. ada orang lagi la kuar rumah tak pakai pape. i mean, tak pakai pape kat muka. hm. tahla, aku rasa tak selamat letak macam-macam kat muka. untuk kebaikan kulit pun, chemical jugak semua tu. ke camne? ke aku taknak muka teruk bila tua nanti sebab pakai bebenda tu, tapi sebenarnya muka akan jadi teruk sebab tak pakai? argh dilemma. lulz.

somebody research this for me please. by research i mean get in the lab and experiment it yourself :3

then i met these girls at school :)

 

i was at school to see my teachers, and ah. it felt good. to talk to them, and thank them. sat in the lab and ate at the canteen with the girls like the old days. at first we thought it was going to be our last time seeing each other, so this was like the goodbye hugs. they were going somewhere without me sobs. i had to go shopping right after that for things to wear on the next day: the pre-departure program. we had to wear what we'd wear on the day we'd fly off, uuuuu. lol.

a few times they asked me betul taknak ikut ni? they even told diena to go with me hahaha sebab, kamon ar, jumpa sekejap je?? aizureen pun macam, takkan camni je??? takpela, i said. you girls just go. if you come with me or i come with you nanti gelabah terkejar-kejar pulak tak dapat enjoy pun. bye, toleh belakang pandangan terakhir sambil sambung menapak ke bilik guru :')

but who were we kidding. then i got a text from aizureen. so we went out on another day.

kalini puas la sikit, dapat makan-makan, gossip-gossip, sembang-sembang...

dan aku takkan lupa soalan pejah "panjang ke pendek?"

HAHAHAHAHAH I COULD CRYYYY OMG PEJAH PLS

dah habis makan-makan, gossip-gossip, sembang-sembang kat kl festival city, balik sambung pulak kat wangsa walk. hahahah kan aku dah kataaa muka kitorang ni pegi la mana pun, last-last wangsa walk jugak tempat kembali. wwm sentiasa di hati.

time ni ada aizureen, diena dengan aku je. sembang kat kafe sampai malam. ni sembang serius. sembang masalah hidup selama tidak lagi hidup bersama ni. sembang hal stress tapi gelak sampai hilang nafas. dalam beberapa jam, sempatlah disimpulkan walaupun tak semua. walaupun tak macam dulu. tapi jadilah. rindu :')

Siang gelak2. Malam deep. Cuba bukak cerita dua tahun dalam beberapa jam. Tak dapatla kan, tapi puas. Dengar cerita kawan yg dah lama tak dengar cerita, yg dulu masa sekolah hari2 tu jelah keje kita. Kat kelas sembang, kat lab sembang, stayback sembang, online sembang, bila je tak berborak cuba cakap. Sampai keje tak siap hahaha. Rindu.

You guys gave me the best last memories of high school. You were there when i thought i was all alone. Who would have thought we'd be friends like we were after our friends were gone. Who knew we'd share secrets and stories like we did. thank you :)

yes, i have two different groups of friends from high school, and they're all the best. different people in different phases, with different me and different stories, but i love them just the same. friends from high school, there's just something about them. or something about you, the old, younger, different you. that makes the friendships worth your ego, worth the pain. because sometimes it can't be all rainbows, there's gotta be a little rain. it's worth it.

enough friends for a lifetime :)

Amalina's Survival Kit: you and your prayers ;)