I Miss Having You, Babah

A few days ago was my dad's birthday. it was sad, to have spent the day like any other day without any special occasion. well, it's the same thing with my birthday too. but the difference was his birthday was spent without him, only with his memories in our hearts.

memories? to those who didn't know, my father had passed away years ago. surprise, surprise!  i don't go around telling people about it as i hate to be sympathized with. my father was gone but that doesn't make me any less than you are, i thought bitterly when i was a kid. 

but who was i kidding? it does make a big difference, and i accept the fact as i grow older. but with a more open heart accepting not only the fact, but the fate as well.

babah and me
babah had a nickname for me, a special one for a mek montok gebu like me
secret aaah :')

Y I NO TALK BOUT IT

no, it didn't make me sad. but that's why i hated it, because people thought whenever the subject of  'father' was mentioned, i would be crying deep inside my heart. like i couldn't handle hearing about other people having a father. everyone suddenly was tactful i couldn't stand it. if you want me to be comfortable, stop making it look like such a big deal!

i would rather not hear people say "i didn't know it! i'm so sorry," so i just shut up. but during my short stay in MRSM, i was open about it. because it was a new place with new people, so i had no problem with 'eyes widen with shock, mouth drops ajar' thing.

if you ever notice when i'm talking to you if i don't really know you, instead of asking "when will your mom pick you up?" or "will your dad come on the open day?" i will instead use the word parents or family, something more general. because not everyone has a father, not everyone has a mother. thanks to my experience, i'm being more careful when talking. 

others do not understand, leaving you with a dilemma whether to be honest, bare their widening eyes and dropping jaws or to just dismiss the subject like you have a normal life like everybody else.

if i talk about my private life like this, it is a big deal because it takes every ounce of courage i have. it's like getting naked, talking about my bottled up feelings, untold stories and hidden secrets. everything was so confidential back then, because i trusted no one but my future husband who i was and am, yet to meet. 

kononnya akan kulakar kisah hidupku hanya untukmu wahai suami. but i guess i can't wait. so instead of forcing a guy to marry me right now so i can tell him everything, i'd rather blog it here, bit by bit.

Acknowledged by Wikipedia

Did you know that my father is in Wikipedia? if you read my first babah post, you'll know he was a noted soldier. 

kalau ada spesis yang cakap aku poyo bagitau bapak aku masuk Wikipedia, aku taktaulah apa nak jadi dengan mereka yang sentiasa tak puas hati ni. salah ke aku nak bangga yang bapak aku berjasa untuk negara? salah?

mug ni babah beli dekat Warner Bros. datang dengan set, ada pinggan mangkuk sudu segala. masa babah kasi, aku teruja sebab susunan dalam kotak itu menampakkan mereka seperti sebuah jamban. dapat jamban untuk patung peah dan rakan-rakan kencing yeaaay! laa sekali pinggan mangkuk ke?

banyak songehlah kau, padahal pinggan mangkuk ni jugak yang sekarang kau cari, yang kau bengang bila orang lain guna, yang kau gelabah bila takde. oh durian atas tu namanya durian babah. semua jenis buah dari kebun kitorang panggil buah babah. semua sedap, kalau jual menjadi kalau beli rugi.

The Unexpected - and hooray! i'm not retarded!

beberapa hari lepas aku selongkar album-album lama. jumpa gambar aku masa kecik tengah duduk atas babah, duduk dengan babah, babah dukung, babah cium. sedih. aku tak ingat apa rasanya berada dalam situasi camtu dengan bapak sendiri. aku ada gambar je sebagai bukti itu pernah terjadi.

gambar yang buat aku sedar yang babah sayang aku sangat sangat. i was the unexpected child, the daughter he's been waiting for for years! after he gave up hoping for the only girl, Allah granted his prayers.

my mother being pregnant was unexpected, but me being born was anticipated. not everyone was, though. some people actually 'advised' my mom to get an abortion. saying it was too late, i might be born defected or retarded. aku memang dari dalam perut lagi dah mengundang kebencian, kedengkian orang agaknya. 

takpelah, yang penting mak bapak aku sayang aku, kan? sayang dorang lebih daripada benci orang kat aku put together, so it didn't and doesn't matter.

Kalau Babah Ada

aku tak ingat apa rasanya ada bapak. kalau aku rindu babah, aku tak rindu benda lain yang orang  rindu bila dorang rindu seseorang. aku cuma rindu ada bapak. tu je. i miss having a dad and nothing else.

hidup aku, lebih banyak "kalau babah ada" daripada "masa babah ada".

kalau babah ada, semua ni tak jadi. everything will be more than okay. kalau babah ada, along tak pening. angah dapat apa dia patut dapat. uda takyah risau, si genius gemuk tu memang ok dulu dan sekarang. ateh jadi orang... haha. aku ada lebih daripada apa aku ada sekarang. 

kalau babah ada, birthday aku dengan mama ada orang kisah. aku takpe, asalkan mama dapat hadiah. kalau babah ada, selalu buat kenduri kat rumah. panggil satu kampung datang makan. panggil penjual makanan bukak gerai. kalau babah ada, raya sangat meriah dengan rumah terbuka sentiasa. kalau babah ada, setiap kali nak periksa besar ada doa selamat, macam abang-abang aku berempat. 

orang selalu tanya "tak buat pape ke raya/birthday/SPM ni?" aku nak cakap je "sebab babah aku dah takde nak buat tu semua."

kalau babah ada, apa aku nak semua dapat. walaupun tak mintak. curi-curi pandang je, terus tercapai hajat. macam mak aku, mahu tapi malu.

kalau babah ada, babah mesti tolong aku buat keputusan nak belajar apa. babah mesti tolong aku isi setiap borang, tak macam sekarang semua aku buat sorang-sorang. babah mesti tak kisah aku nak belajar kat mana. apa-apa je untuk impian anak dara babah sorang ni, babah kata. babah cakap takpe, kalau tak berjaya, takde kerja, meh kerja dengan babah. ada back up plan sentiasa.

kalau babah ada, aku akan berminat dengan business. babah tak belajar business pun, takde basic pun. tapi babah pandai, babah baik, babah berusaha. babah really worked hard for everything and now, nothing. kalau babah ada, aku akan jadi risk taker. aku pernah nak jadi businesswoman, sambung company babah, kembalikan kegemilangan, jadi macam babah. tapi lepas aku tau apa boleh jadi dalam business, dengan takde babah untuk jadi mentor, terus aku surrender.

kalau babah ada, mesti babah jadi wali aku nikah nanti. mesti babah hepi gila dapat kahwinkan anak perempuan tunggal dia. mesti babah buat wedding aku Wedding of The Year, haha. mesti babah akan berucap masa aku tengah makan beradab. mesti babah buat wedding aku lagi special daripada biasa.

kalau babah ada, memang hidup aku lain

i don't know when i did this or if he even had the chance to read it

mungkin korang rasa "hekeleh? aku takde semua tu pun boleh hidup" memang kau boleh, aku pun boleh. tapi apa aku cakap ni bukan semata-mata inginkan apa aku takde, berangan apa aku patut ada. apa aku cakap ni ialah kalau babah ada. BABAH ADA. dua perkataan, banyak tersimpan. kalau tak faham, tolong diam.

He's Mr. Perfect

babah dulu dalam proses mengorat mak aku yang jenis "i don't give a damn about man", sangatlah comel caranya. selain lain-lain cara mendapatkan gadis diminati, babah berkomplot dengan kawan-kawan dia. kawan-kawan office dia ialah bos mak aku.

mama selalu kena panggil masuk office bos. bos hulur telefon pastu blah. rupanya sebab babah nak cakap kat telefon. comel tak? sempoi gila bos siap keluar bilik kasi privacy. sampai malu mamaku.

who my father was kinda ruins my idea of Mr. Perfect. is it too much? to hope to be destined with such a guy? who will fight for me, who will try to catch my eye, who will buy me gifts and food even though i don't want it, who will perform solat hajat, pray and wish to God so i will accept him, puasa nazar if i do, whose friend the witness of how hard he tries and how much he loves me will cry tears of happiness for him when i  finally say "yes", who will do everything for me like babah did for mama, who will love me like babah loved mama?

see, i've told you. babah ruined me for other guys. i'm not even half my mama to get a man like my babah. heck, no guy would even want someone like me to begin with.

Someone Like You, Babah

i guess it's reasonable how high my expectation is for a man.

first, since i was a kid i had a concrete reason to hate men. it's not "i've had enough" due to putus cinta. nothing to do with lovey dovey shit. second, of course, losing babah at such a very young age. 

these reasons make me think that one day, i'll find the right man and be happy till the end. babah was taken from me, a man might have changed me,  but these misfortunes will be compensated by someone. God is great. one day, he will make up everything by giving me the right guy.

you might say don't i have other dreams? what else is in my wishlist besides having a guy with who i'll build a happy family with? em no. of course i want to have more in life, but if i'm not entitled to have more, it's okay. as long as i have my man and family living harmoniously , i'll die happy. 

My Mr. Perfect

i grow up knowing the perfect guy existed but i didn't own him. Allah did. that's why i grew up thinking i too, will have my own perfect guy. love is the most important thing, and that is what i ask from Allah if whatever he's put me through is only the condition i have to obey before winning my reward.

c'mon, don't you see what love has become nowadays? how many men have become jerks? how many miserable women out there? it's only normal if i wish i'll have a happy ending. money can be earned but happiness? not as simple as going to work and expecting a paycheck at the end of the month.

babah makes me realize how to never settle for less, how to just wait for someone who if not like him - cos i doubt i will ever find one or more likely if he will ever settle for me - someone i at least deserve.

Thanks, Bah

i complain on daily basis. but it's just what we do right? we complain when we know we've got more than we deserve. we complain when deep inside we can never be thankful enough for what Allah has given us.

I'm thankful that Allah gave me a father for six years. although my life is not as it was, although my brothers had longer luckier lives, although my mother is the only woman who had the chance to feel how it was to be loved by such a gentleman, although Allah took him back before i could even know him, listen to his stories from his own mouth, appreciate everything he did and his love for his only daughter, i'm thankful enough.

many people whose father was taken by force or left by choice, they have it worse. others in my position are not as fortunate as i am, some have nothing even though their father is around. yes, to compare what i had then with what i have now, what people have with what i don't have, i feel sorry for myself. but i hate to be felt sorry for, so why dwell in self-pity?

i had a man in my life once. he was an obedient son, protective brother, brilliant student, bold soldier, loving lover, helpful friend, generous giver, successful businessman, awesome employer, humble humanbeing, so on and so on, but above all, the best husband and father one can ever have.

i love you so much babah. i didn't know what love for a father meant then. when you were home after a day at the office and you wanted me to sit on you i would be too busy cooking playdough, when you were on business trips every night you would call and when you asked for me i would be too occupied watching tv. 

i was so little and absorbed in my own world. but now i'm a big girl, your only big girl, and i understand how it is to love my dad.

i'm thankful to have felt it after you were gone because i wouldn't have the strength to let you go if i was as close to you as i am to mama, if you were the one who played mama's role. i will never be able to let my loved ones go. 

i used to ask "why?" and think my life was unfair. but as i grow older, i understand i will never know why. i just have to accept it. had my father been around, i might not be who i am today. i might be someone worse, having him and everything might be a curse. 

but what if it wasn't? i could still be a better girl with the presence of a father. yes, what if. we'll never know how it would have turned out. we only know how it turns out now. you can't see how i see it, but as i mature i see the world differently. Allah took my dad back because it's how my life supposed to be.

most of the times i forget who i was to babah. who i am to mama. i do things that i'm not proud of. i don't try hard enough for my future. i let the world spin around for another day without turning my life around at a better angle. i am on my way to be someone who will make them disappointed. but on days like this, i am disappointed with myself.

i don't want to be the only daughter who gives only shits to the ones who love her.


i'm the daughter after four brothers, after years of prayers. it carries a burden heavier than you can imagine. heavier than i can, that's why i escape most of my life. i don't have to be someone successful, i only have to be successful in being a daughter. being the perfect daughter is hard, even harder than being a doctor. being the perfect daughter means so much more.


i will try to be a daughter who deserves a father like you, babah.

Babah, your time with me was short. but your marks are never lasting. Thank you for giving me the honour to be your only daughter.