JPA-MARA Offer: Today This Year

today is the first of june.

today last year, i had spent three days in tears. three days of relentless rechecking only to be disappointed more and more with the similar answer; a no. three days of going back to the same website, thinking the first time i did, it had something to hide. three days of staring at the same page, and feeling the same heartache. three days of clicking that link, and crushing inside. three days of drowning in disappointment.

today last year, i had spent three days pulling myself up after being let down. three days of coming back to the agonizing apology, only to console myself to cope with reality. three days of building up what was left of my broken dreams. three days of trying to leave the baggage and push myself with courage. three days of going back and forth between breaking down and believing. three days in acceptance.

today last year, i had a pleasant surprise in the evening. a confusing shock as the blue sky dived in. i returned for what i thought was the last time to find the final peace. i was startled by a congrats when i expected it least. what was initially a no was actually a yes. we human beings just don't know His planning, and His timing. my heart pounded on my chest. my heart was beating faster than normal. did i just open the door to the life i have always been dreaming of since i was a child? was this for real? 

today last year, i shed tears of happiness.

but today this year, is a different story.

today this year, i shed tears of sadness.

today this year, i was reminded of the gratitude which lifted gravity off of me. i was reminded of the feeling of flying so high after falling so low. i was reminded of the pleasant past, but at the same time forced to remember the faded future. do i have another year? or does it end here? how different one date can be. today last year, i gained hope after losing it. today this year, i lost hope after gaining it.

today this year, after numbing myself from my fear of the future and regret about the past, i let it all in and it broke me. i confronted my feelings and it crashed me. i felt, and i cried. the stress i had been spitting out. the disappointment i had denied. it's time to stop running from reality. i did escape but it still left me short of breath, and living breathless is as bad as being dead. as i let it catch up with me, the road seemed to be shorter, the sky darker, as if the reality is swallowing all the ray of hope and path of possibility.

today this year, i realize i'm unparalleled in running away. but it's time to deal with problems because while i've been putting it off for too many times, time is not something i can delay. it's time to be someone i've left behind; a student of INTEC, doing A-Level, deciding which university, possibly on the verge of termination. i'm on the edge of a cliff, but to jump off it or build a bridge, is my decision. i'm on a cliff, but i'm also at rock bottom. it's pitch black down here. i have never been this lowest and hopeless. it has never been this darkest.

today this year, it's different.