Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

if you have a chance to erase your memory, would you do it?

we all have things we want to forget, information we never need to know, people we wish we had not met. if deleting all that from your brain compartments is possible, would you do it?

“There’s an emotional core to each of our memories, and when you eradicate that core it starts its degradation process.”

i really, really, really love the movie Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. it's not real romance, it's a balance between smart and sentiments. it's both funny and sad. it's different and brilliant. it's like 500 Days of Summer of the early 2000s, but i guess more emotions, hence deeper? put the plot twist (it's not actually the first time they met, but the second time omg), Rose Dawson going all eccentric post-Titanic (her hair actually serves a purpose - as the timeline of the story), and Mark Ruffalo (nuff said) aside, the theme alone is enough to keep one thinking, even after the credit rolls. one of the best movies of all time for all those reasons and more :)

you want to forget some things but what it really means is removing some parts of your life.

will it be better to be a new person without such experience? you will be less wise.

Jim Carrey at his best

(i had a crush on him when i was a kid but i stopped crushin when he got more ridiculous than ever

but this is just perf woah im crushin again)

it's so sad, when one by one, Joel's memories of Clementine turned into a black setting, when she disappeared from his mental canvas, and reappeared again, and everything went black again, and it went on and on. it's so sad, when Joel was reminded of why he loved her on the first place when they're over the honeymoon phase and reality took place. it's so sad, when Joel had to run from one memory to another, smuggling Clementine to his deepest memories where she didn't belong, just to save the last bit of Clementine he had left. it's so sad, when there's nothing Joel could do to keep the memory he wanted to erase, the fragment of his own imagination holding his own hand, the Clementine in his mind.

in the end it's always that way: people hold on to what they want to forget.

"When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too."

"You're pretty."

"Joely, don't ever leave me."

this scene this

and that's where they met for the second time, thinking it was the first time

i'm skeptical about people who just met and just like that, fall in love. you click with one person, it's one thing, but you fall for them, is totally another. i'm skeptical about people claiming they fall in love at the first sight. you love what you see is one thing, but you love them, is totally another. you need to really know them personally first. you need to be friends first. only then we'll talk about love. 

(look at those dimples and smile and teeth and eyes look)

so at first i was like whaaat, how could these two strangers share the chemistry so easily? especially Joel, who is sort of a silent, shy, secretive guy, how could he just go along with this weirdo, devil-may-care, blue-haired woman? they have nothing in common! little did i know, they were lovers before.

erasing memories is deleting who we are, not them. but us. 

and erased memories, deleted identity, removed parts, will still be there. what you think you feel for the first time, you've felt before. who you think you meet for the first time, you've met before. you don't know it, but somewhere inside your damaged brain is a force that keeps you drawn towards it. maybe, that sudden impulse to go somewhere, that unconscious urge to say hello, that instant connection as though you've known each other long ago, come from the undamaged part - the heart. even when your brain can't sense it, your heart, oh the heart, it always does.

you can't hide from yourself forever.

if you need someone new to forget the old one, it isn't really forgetting is it?

you meet a nice guy. you say hi. from there it all happens so quickly in just one day it doesn't make sense. is this girl that easy? is this guy that lonely? then you receive a recording of yourself talking about the guy in a hateful way. but that can't be, you just met him! and he seems so nice, so unlike what you describe him to be. and the guy, gets to listen to how he talks similarly about you too. but you've only known each other for one day... everything was going so good up to this point. now you know, it did not work the first time, so what's the point of waiting for the same thing to happen twice? or maybe you should just give it a try... knowing how it might end. or would you just walk away?

serious shit huh.

as he did.

but it did not matter.

Shipping Jim/Kate for the first time

the second time they met, they said the same thing like the first time they did. proof some things never change.

she didn't even know she was in love, because she forgot

"How'd I look?"

"You looked happy. Happy with a secret."

a secret she wasn't aware of.

what if what you want to forget, is a part of your life since way back when? a small part, but a part still. a small part getting bigger and bigger. if you delete that particular part, would you live your life as it is? or would you feel like there is something missing? when you recall back your memory of the first day of school, when you stare at the pictures of years after wondering who the hell is that? if that person is everywhere, anytime, how would you remove them without being reminded of them every time you look at anything at all? if you were to erase the memory of said somebody, you would have to erase your life completely.

i can't

but that would take you back to the six-year-old you.

because everyone could use some memory erasing service sometimes.

"My name is... and i'm here to erase..."

Life Is a Long Equation

Between mummy and study, which one would it be lol who am i kidding cus it's gonna be mummy.

so i'm in my study leave right now, except it's called study week. because we're supposed to study. last sem it was study leave, we didn't study at all because we thought we're supposed to leave study terus har har k. or was it just me? i did not know what the hell did i do satu minggu tu. stay intec bajet study. tak balik rumah sebab tak bukak buku nanti. stay akasia bajet fokus lagi. padahal orang lain gi library.

so this time i planned to stay the whole week kat akasia dan pergi library setiap hari cos enough being lazy. i planned to study with some of my classmates because with them i don't feel so stupid as they embraced me just the way i am so i can actually be stupid with them and laugh at myself. you've just gotta be with the right people, only then stupidity becomes hilarity and difficulty becomes easy.

i reaaally wanted to study macam orang lain yang sampai mata merah, rambut serabai, tudung tak gosok, jambang tak cukur, makan tidur tak cukup (ok takdela sampai macam tu, kalau study sampai tak jaga diri pebenda weh tak seimbang doh hidup ish ish ni baru study, belum kerja lagi, belum kahwin lagi, haaa). jika studyku ini satu ibadah, belum pape dah dapat pahala sebab niat sangat tulus murni untuk study. but...

my mom will be going on europe tour.

shhh this sudden seemingly unrelated piece of information is not a change of topic, but a turn of event! so listen! eh, read! or just leave tbh idc.

my mom will be going on europe tour on 2nd may. which is next week. mulanya aku nak mak aku datang rumah abang aku masa study week so walaupun aku stay akasia, aku dapat jumpa mak aku hari-hari makan sesama bermanja ke apa ke sebab nanti aku tak jumpa dia lama, even lepas habis exam pun mak aku masih berjimba di luar negara. tapi abang aku satu keluarga kena balik Sarawak kampung kakak ipar aku khamis ni tetiba. so the last time i'll be seeing my mom before she leaves on a jet plane is this time lah.

yang bermakna makin sekejap aku balik kalini, makin sekejap aku jumpa mak aku untuk tempoh 3 minggu. weyyy.

memula aku ingat nak balik dok dua tiga hari kat rumah, pastu balik intec isnin. tapi abang aku boleh ambik rabu je. fine, aku boleh balik naik ktm. but still, this isn't just about studying, this is about spending time with my mother before we'll be continents apart for a few weeks. isn't that something? aku dah berbelah bagi... sebab kat rumah, aku takkan study. heck, kat akasia pun aku tak study. masuk bilik study baru study. tu pun kat bilik study boleh tidur lagi. jadi aku, aku, study kat rumah? hahaHAHAHAHAH.

mak aku pun macam suruh aku balik rabu je, sempat dia nak masak macam-macam dia kata. aku taknakla perasan kan, tapi nampaknya mak aku macam nak aku balik lambat je. mesti sebab dia rindu aku hahaha eh tapi aku taknak la perasan kan, orang tak kata rindu pun aku sengsorang je syok sendiri pulak kan.

aku: ma nak ayu balik lambat eh? hihi kalau ma nak ma cakap jelaa, ayu balik la rabu. ayu tak kisah.

ma: ikut suka ayu la.

aku: ma tak kisah ke ayu balik bebila pun?

ma: tak ah, tak kisah pun.

aku: habis ma nak masak semua tu? hihi ayu dah jadi macam uda ehh, mama nak masak macam-macam.

ma: dah ayu yang teringin la apa la.

aku: hmm. kalau uda tu mesti ma suruh dia balik lambat-lambat je.

angah: yela, uda tu lain. kau annoying.

terima kasih ngah.

kalau mak aku nak aku balik rabu, aku balik rabu. sebab walaupun poyo macam mana pun ini berbunyi: aku tak suka mak aku rindu aku. biar aku je rindu dia, biar aku tanggung sengsorang. aku memang manja pun, tapi sejak masuk intec baru aku sedar manja macam aku ni normal sebenarnya sebab aku anak perempuan sorang, sebab aku anak last. tapi ada yang lagi manja tahap anak raja lebih daripada aku yang buat aku kata "aku anak last perempuan sorang pun tak macam tu!"

aku sebenarnya agak keras, walaupun hati lembut. darah senang naik, walaupun air mata cepat mengalir. agaknya inilah efek ada abang 4 orang, dan mak yang tak layankan sangat bila aku merajuk bila aku mengada, kalau tak memang naik tocang. efeknya sampai aku rasa nak panggg je bebudak yang manja lelebih sesikit tak boleh ni, muahaha aku kan garang.

aku cakap aku boleh balik rabu, tapi mama kena suruh aku studylaa. ce teka mak aku cakap apa? ce tekaa! mak aku cakap "ayu takyah dapat macam dulu pun takpe, buat biasa je. kan dah dapat tempat semua."

i guess somebody forgot to tell mama about this. maa dah dapat tempat kat intec pun tak menjamin tempat di UK/US maaa. tak jamin tempat next sem pun maaaaa. comel betul mak aku ni. mana boleh buat biasa, sedangkan orang sekeliling aku study macam orang gila. kang aku kena tinggal sorang kat malaysia.

anywayss setelah puas berdilemma di group whatsapp 10SS1, Ummul came to the rescue, like she always does ;)

dia cakap "stay je kat rumah, insyaAllah study kat rumah jadi lagi berkat. study sikit tapi lagi ingat. kadang-kadang sebab benda kecik macam ni, macam kita choose untuk spend time dengan family, yang ni kasi kejayaan untuk kita."

bayu menghembus sayu.

betul sangat. takde masa yang terbuang jika dihabiskan untuk benda yang baik. takde istilah rugi bangun malam untuk solat sebab lagi patut study, takde masa tolong mak sebab nak belajar setiap masa, taknak luang masa sekejap untuk tahu pasal umat. aku tau benda kecik macam ni lagi besar maknanya kalau betul niat, tapi kalini aku lupa. thanks ummul ingatkan :')

aku sangat percayakan berkat. sebab aku tau, takde benda yang semuanya terletak pada diri sendiri. kita hidup ada habluminallah, habluminannas. life is like a long equation with all kinds of operations and symbols and unknowns and integers and formulas, connected complicatedly and tangled together to form one answer.

that is life. not this:

me = the result.

in fact, life is more than that.

life is all that mathematical mess equals to the answer which is also linked by more nonsensical numbers which has one identity: the final answer. geddit?

example 1A.

Allah's mercy + mom's prayers - (backbiting x backstabbing / sins)  x charity^sincerity = excellent grades / (average income - failed relationship) + best friends x happy family  ≡ good life.

see? SEE? you've just gotta calculate the equation as a whole.

ok enough mathematics here i feel nauseous already haha

so the point is, i have always believed in berkat. berkat ialah belas kasihan, kasih sayang. redha ialah restu. dua benda ni yang tolong kita bila kita takleh tolong diri sendiri. and all my life these two things are what have been helping me cos i can't do shit on my own. i need berkat manusia dan keredhaan Allah. i need budi bicara. it all depends on who. so no matter how bad i am and only mama and Allah know how bad i can be, i'm blessed with forgiving and loving people, a very forgiving and loving mom and The Most Forgiving and Loving God. that's how i survive. not because of me.

but there's still my role to complete the whole equation. 

so i'm staying, and studying.

insyaAllah.

lagipun aku suka sebenarnya belajar kat rumah, sebab teringat zaman sekolah. zaman nak pmr, nak spm. i can do whatever the heaven i want bila dalam bilik sendiri. oh my my, mmm, the privacy. tapi nak mula study tu yang payah. i shall lock myself in my room and lock my laptop outside. after this, ehhem.

i think there's a question that has been bugging all of us from the start.

why aint i going on europe tour too you say? 

WHYYY?!

that is a heart-breaking story. memula memang aku nak pergi. aku dah berangan camwhoring dengan bunga tulip, dekat trafalgar square i haven't been at in 16 years, depan eiffel tower finally making use of french, kat mana-mana lagi tah kat europe tu. sesungguhnya aku sudah berharap. sebelum aku cek takwim intec dan mendapati masa tu aku belum lagi habis sem.... in fact aku tengah exam.

takyah cerita la kekecewaan dia. merajuk jap ngan mak aku sehari. sebab aku mintak dia mintak group tour tu tunda lambat sikit sebab aku nak pergi tapi dia tak mintak lololol suka hati kau je, ingat ni bapak kau punya travelling agency?!

but most of all, it was not my disappointment which made me feel reluctant, but my concern. reluctant to let her go alone. fine dia pergi satu group, tapi tak sama tanpa aku, tahu? i have always been the one who takes care of my mom. i'm the paranoid one. i'm the overprotective one. there was a time when i didn't even let her go across the state without me, let alone across the sea! i might be useless but at least i would be there, you get me? i would take a bullet and stop a train for her. i was the mother whenever we travel, when we went to New Zealand only the both of us to visit my bro and when we went to Mekah and Madinah, i was the navigator, the map, the gps, the everything. i might not play that big a role, but i have a role.

i'm worried, like a mom worries for her child. maybe even more cos i can't bear another mom.

i can't bear another parent.

you don't understand.

pray. whenever you feel something which you can't do anything about, even if you do something, even everything will not be enough, like your love for your mother, all you can actually do is pray. the simplest, yet the strongest of action. pray. Allah listens every second, Allah sees the sincerity. 

so please, i ask you to make a simple, yet sincere prayer for my mom. keep her healthy and safe from Malaysia to Europe and all the way back to Malaysia to me. and please pray for my success in A-level too, so i can have my own Europe Tour later T_T

(imagine going on europe tour with le husband during sem break omaaaiii ok just to lighten the mood just)

oh dua hari ni aku dapat beli seluar, baju, cardigan, tudung dan fon baru. ye. welcome amaa to the land of the latest technology! lol. tu pun sebab fon lama memberi masalah. fon lama ialah fon yang mak aku kasi seprais for pmr, fon yang masa tu gempaklah jugak so aku rasa bersalah nak tukar sebab sedangkan nokia 3120 aku pun penuh sentimental value, apa tah lagi ni. but i had to, i had to u no.

there are some reasons why i wouldn't change my phone. one of them being the classic kind of inbox, the little envelopes, the separate messages of received and sent items. of course it is not as easy as the conversation type which you can just scroll through, but the classic one is easy when you want to trace back old memories of certain dates (tarikh. lol), special texts and see what people said, random talks and meaningless chats excluded. it's so nostalgic and i'll really miss it.

i once said i didn't like my E71 right? but now, i do. i guess tak kenal maka tak cinta. dah terbiasa, baru suka :) tapi dah sampai masanya, tsk. don't worry i'll treasure you forever like the hoarder i am.

my new phone is not that large. i seriously can't see why people would buy phones the size of their face. it's for your ears, isn't it? it's either quite small to be called a phone, or large enough to be called a tablet. it either fits in your pocket, or your bag. there's no in between folks.

i had my eyes on this one phone but my hands said no... have you seen my hands? have you?! kita kena ukur fon di tangan sendiri. so this new phone is just perfect for my considerably tiny hand. i like it, but like every change it takes some getting used to. besar gedabak pun susah nak camwhore tau tak. kang nak selfies sangat ada yang terbarai kang. and aku nak fon yang boleh masuk poket je, or handbag. takde aku nak carry fon merata. dan takde makna aku nak pegi kedai mamak bawak bag. jadi haruslah muat dalam poket. aku kalau boleh purse pun taknak bawak, duit sumbat dalam seluar je, what dyu expect?

the non-feminine side of me.

with this new phone, hopefully i'll start anew. the memories were not deleted, the memories are kept in my old phones. but i just need to leave all that behind and store it somewhere and start a new, in a way, life.

at least, for now.

to new starts! and exams! kbai.

Kerana Allah Ke?

Lillahi taala. siapa yang betul-betul faham maksud tu? siapa yang betul-betul tau dia buat sesuatu sebab Allah?

kalau ibadah khusus, boleh lagi nampak. untuk siapa kita beribadah kalau bukan untuk Allah? senang nampak the line between kerana Allah atau manusia, ikhlas atau riak. kalau qiam diam-diam, puasa sunat tanpa  umum kat umat manusia, sedekah tanpa tayang kat satu alam, kira lillahi taala la tu. but at the same time, niat lillahi taala tu pun tak jamin betul-betul lillahi taala. tak gerenti yang Allah konfem terima. mana la tau tak bagitau orang, pastu hidung kembang kuncup "huyyooo ikhlas siaak aku!" dah ujub. ikhlas ni kan macam semut hitam atas batu hitam pada malam yang kelam? erk lebih kurang la. kita sendiri tak nampak ikhlas kita.

ikhlas ni macam surah al-ikhlas; takde perkataan ikhlas :)

semua bermula last year. dah lama aku fikir sebenarnya, makin lama bersarang dalam otak makin banyak pulak yang aku fikir. aku blog ni sebab aku kena kosongkan otak aku, kasi ruang untuk psychology, economics, maths, french pulak. susah nak fokus bila sesikit melayang hinggap kat sarang-sarang yang takde kaitan dengan pelajaran.


semua bermula dengan soalan: macam mana berkawan sebab Allah?


orang dok ukhwih fillah laa ana uhibbuki fillah laa apa laa. yang tak tau bahasa arab pun dan-dan berbahasa arab time tu, ehhem. sama je macam je t'aime, tetiba terus parler francais. camne aku persoalkan maksud sebenar je t'aime, camtu jugakla aku persoalkan ukhwah fillah ni.

setakat guna untuk jadi caption photo, wish beday, tunjuk betapa sweetnya kita sebagai sahabat dan persahabatan kita, bolehlaa. tapi nak betul-betul laksanakan? betul-betul fillah?

ye, berkawan kerana Allah. kerana iman, kerana taqwa. tapi camanaaa?

aku risau kalau selama ni aku bukan kawan yang baik. aku risau friendship aku takde ciri-ciri ukhwah fillah. aku sayang kawan-kawan aku. aku risau kalau selama ni apa yang aku sayangkan, Allah tak suka. sebab aku tak betul-betul hidupkan ukhwah fillah tu. sebab aku kawan yang tak baik. aku risau kalau sebab aku, bukan je tak tercapai friends till jannah, tapi kawan-kawan aku pun tak sampai jannah :(

orang canang i love you for the sake of Allah. sama cam sesenang cakap i love you. how do you even know? or you say it just because everyone does? it makes me sad if my friendships which i cherish, my friends whom i love, are not real friendships and real friends because i don't live up to the level of lillahi taala.

cinta, benci, beri, simpan semata-mata kerana Allah = beriman :)

aku rasa berkawan kerana Allah tu mungkin tak mengharapkan balasan. bukan berkawan untuk kepentingan. that's friends for a reason. tapi camne friends for a season? kalaulah aku kena keep in touch dengan semua orang yang aku pernah panggil kawan, amagad. impossible tahu. sedih jugak bila fikir orang yang kita pernah rapat, sekarang tak rapat dah. is this friendship till jannah? when we can't even keep it in this world? sob sob. itu yang tak kawan terus sekarang. ada pulak yang kawan, tapi dah tak serapat dulu. masing-masing faham semua dah besar, ada hala tuju sendiri, dunia dah maju (kaitan?! padahal sebab dunia dah maju lah takde alasan untuk tak contact tol tak). tapi bila berselisih, senyumlah. bila nampak, tegurlah. bila beday, wishlah. bila raya, minta maaflah. even if we need a reason to maintain the friendship for a season. pastu ada friends for a lifetime. kita bawak dia masuk season lain walaupun kita dah takde reason untuk kawan dengan dia. yang walaupun dah banyak berubah, bila jumpa masih sama. aww. yang lama tak jumpa, walaupun ingatan salu lupa, tapi dalam hati masih ada. aww. yang kongsi duka dan tumpang bahagia walaupun dah lama tak bertukar cerita. aww. friends for two lifetimes ;)

tapi ana uhibbuki fillah, lebih dari tu. tu yang aku takut aku tak mampu. mampu ke aku tegur? sebab aku ke dorang berdosa? aku ke yang jadi setan di sebalik kawan yang aku sendiri pun tak perasan? itu satu, dua, tiga. banyak lagi sebenarnya. sumpah ah before ni aku takde pun fikir pasal bebenda ni haish.


pastu ada lillahi taala sebab lain pulak, berpunca daripada ukhwah fillah ni lah. macam cancer. daripada satu bahagian, merebak ke bahagian lain selagi tak dikeluarkan.


belajar sebab Allah? 

sebab Allah suruh. simple je. sebab Allah nak kita usaha. sebab iqra'. sebab hayya alal falah. simple pun, tak semestinya terlaksana. belajar bukan sebab kalau dapat 4 flat, dapat reward. bukan sebab kalau jadi best student, ada reputation. bukan sebab nak kalahkan sedara yang salu berlagak tu. bukan sebab nak berbangga-bangga. takde apa nak dibanggakan pun, semua dari Allah beb. kalau kau sorang je, study cam orang gila pun takkan dapat apa. so study sebab Allah sebenarnya memang simple. kalau macam stock Angel Pakai Gucci (stock semangat gila kesemangatannya tidak tercapai akalku lulz) mungkin belajar sebab nak jadi Al-Biruni zaman moden untuk mengembalikan kegemilangan Islam. mungkin juga untuk merealisasikan ustaziatul alam. weyyy perghhh!

tapi untuk stock cam aku (lol), mungkin belajar tanpa putus asa dan tak malas mengada-ngada buang masa untuk jadi muslim yang berjaya pun dah cukup belajar sebab Allah. tapi tu pun tak tercapai usahaku, tsk.

tajdid niat. kalau fikir pasal masa depan, pasal cita-cita, pasal angan-angan semua pun tak mampu nak naikkan semangat kita, cuba fikir belajar pasal Allah. terus malu nak jadi malas. kena tajdid selalu T_T


kerja sebab Allah?

asalkan berkhidmat untuk umat, untuk alam, kira ok la tu. walaupun kerja menyapu sampah tak dikagumi, tak dipuji, tak dihargai, tapi buat cara betul dengan niat yang betul, dah jadi ibadah. dah kerja sebab Allah. daripada orang yang kerja gempak tapi riak, buatlah perubahan besar apa pun kat dunia, pada Allah takde apa. kerja sebab Allah bukan dengan cara kiss your boss's ass. bukan untuk dapat nama dan glemer. bukan untuk poyo depan future in-law. kerja untuk rezeki yang diredhai. stock APG mungkin nak jadi engineer tersohor yang dapat memuslimkan engineer-engineer Microsoft dan Apple. pergh. tapi kalau jadi engineer yang tak makan gaji buta, kerja sebaik-baiknya, tak langgar syariat Allah, pun dah bekerja sebab Allah.

walaupun tak berdakwah macam APG, untuk kebangkitan umat. mungkin dakwah melalui teladan, untuk orang terdekat. pun boleh kan?

buat sesuatu sebab Allah, untuk diberkati. bukan untuk dikenali. tapi kalau dah dikenali, jadi dikenali sebab Allah, untuk menyebarkan kebaikan. bukan untuk dipandang tinggi. tapi kalau dah dipandang tinggi, jadi dipandang tinggi sebab Allah, untuk jadi teladan. bukan untuk nama dan gelaran.

berubah sebab lain? 

ini senang kalau memang berubah sebab nak taubat, nak taat. tapi kalau berubah sebab lain? tapi bukan sebab yang salah? contohnya berubah jadi baik sebab nak jodoh yang baik. tak menggoda dan digoda, dengan harapan bakal suami pun jaga hati dan diri sama. bangun solat malam, terlintas kat hati "i'm doing this for you, kita usaha sama-sama, kita siapkan diri kita" mungkin 'you' tu bernama, atau masih ada tanda soal di muka. cuba jadi solehah untuk dapat lelaki yang soleh. salah? rasanya tak. lainla kalau kau buat semua tu untuk dia tau.

"ngantuknyaaaaa qiam malam tadi tapi takpelah ikhlas" cip cip cip
"harini saya puasa sunat. siapa nak buka sama like la! like ramai-ramai boleh taaruf hehe" unlike
"alhamdulillah, selesai tilawah. kalaulah ada imamku untuk cek tajwid..." #quran #annur26 #hint #zaujah #solehah #single #nofilter

if our ibadah is recorded on social networking sites as if we don't have Atid to do that, we need to reevaluate our life decisions. with the wrong niat, one post/tweet/upload can make Raqib busy instead.

rasanya dah boleh reset niat tu kot. yang aku rasa tak salah tu kalau berubah sebab orang, tapi bergantung pada Allah. maksudnya kau jadi solehah bukan untuk tayang kebaikan kau kat dia dan dipinang serta-merta, tapi untuk tunjuk dekat Allah supaya Allah bagi kau apa yang kau layak dapat atau untuk layakkan diri kau untuk dapat dia. #perempuan #yang #baik #untuk #lelaki #yang #baik


beribadah sebab lain?

sebab takut seksaan? nak ganjaran? tu pun tak salah. walaupun directnya bukan lillahi taala. tapi secara tak langsung kita buat sebab Allah, sebab kita tau Allah je yang berkuasa, tempat kita meminta, yang memberi. kita ni selemah-lemah hamba, kalau Allah nak kita jadi pengemis buta tepi jalan, sekelip mata je. nauzubillah. boleh je sebab nak pahala, takut dosa, nak berkat, nak straight A's, kerja bagus, jodoh baik, nak bahagia berjaya dunia akhirat. lillahi taala, sebab Allah je boleh kasi kita semua tu.

ibadah kan ada tiga? ibadah hamba, sebab takut seksaan. ibadah saudagar, sebab nak ganjaran. ibadah kekasih atau merdeka, sebab malu, bersyukur, taat, cinta, semata-mata kerana Allah sendiri. tiga-tiga pun boleh, semua ikhlas. :)

"tidak Aku ciptakan jin dan manusia kecuali untuk beribadah kepada-Ku"

cinta sebab Allah?

itu susah nak faham. mana tau sayang sebab Allah ke, sebab sunyi ke, sebab desperado ke, sebab rupa ke, sebab nak mengada semata ke, sebab nak fake relay ke euww lol. bukan semua orang bercinta macam dalam cerita melayu. cerita omputeh aku kesah hape, cerita melayu ni yang aku geli kalau over. kalau itu je yang kau bayangkan bila dengar perkataan bercinta, memang betullah media main peranan. aku rasa takde istilah bercinta sebab Allah sebelum nikah. tapi aku rasa ada cinta sebab Allah.

cinta sebab Allah ni lebih kepada apa kita nak buat sebab sayang. bukan kenapa kita sayang. sayang sebab Allah tak buat apa yang Allah tak suka. buat apa yang Allah suka. berusaha ke arah yang Allah suka, walaupun tak kuat lagi untuk lari daripada apa Allah tak suka. kalau dah bercinta tu... cubalah untuk bernikah. kalau bukan masanya, cubalah untuk bertunang. kalau bukan masanya jugak, cubalah untuk berusaha ke arah tu dari segi usaha tu sendiri. usaha dari dalam, walaupun takde cincin kat jari. baikkan agama, peribadi, ilmu rumah tangga. orang tak nampak usaha tu, tapi Allah nampak. kita ni lemah. tapi usaha selagi terdaya. itu baru cinta sebab Allah.

aku tak suruh orang berhenti bercinta, aku percaya kalau dorang tahu, dorang berhenti kalau dorang mampu. tapi tak semudah tu. orang yang semudah tu suruh orang lain berhenti, mungkin tak faham. atau tak cuba faham. kalau faham, cara dorang suruh berhenti pun penuh empati. lagipun macam mengarut kalau kau clash, pastu end up ngan orang lain pulak. sesenang je dah bercinta ngan anak orang pastu kau tinggal dia sorang-sorang. kau ingat kau sape hah?! at least usaha la untuk kawen, takde jodoh tu cerita lain. instead of all that, aku harap tu jodoh dorang, so tak sia-sia. aku suruh dorang cepat nikah, jangan lama-lama. aku nak dorang bahagia dan dapat pahala, haha. ada kengkawan aku yang memang tak main-main, try-try, go with the flow laa take it easy laa take it slow laa ape laa aku panggg kang. dorang memang nak kahwin. aku tau kalau dorang boleh nikah, dorang dah nikah lama dah. semoga dipermudahkan.

kalau tak mampu tak cinta, usaha untuk nikah. kalau tak mampu nak nikah, usaha untuk tak cinta. at least, usaha untuk jaga.



lepaskan sebab Allah? 

itu lagi susah... bukan susah nak faham, tapi susah nak buat. berhenti bercinta lagi senang daripada berhenti mencintai ewaaah jiwangnyaaa. tak ah, serius ni. perbuatan boleh diberhentikan tapi perasaan? takde sape tau, kecuali Allah dan diri sendiri. jari, mulut, mata, kaki semua boleh berhenti. tapi hati? perghhh. ok. mungkin kita lepaskan sebab Allah... dengan cara kita tak buat apa kita nak buat, walaupun nak sangat sangat, sebab kita lagi nak berkat. sebab kita bergantung pada Allah, kita percaya pada takdir. kita kawal perasaan kita, walaupun susah. kita tak memaksa, sebab kita percaya belum masanya. kita percaya waktu yang ditentukan Allah. kita tau yang mungkin bukan dia, mungkin orang lain walaupun susah nak terima, sebab kita tau Allah je yang tau. kenapa nak lepaskan? sebab Allah la tu.

tapi tau semua ni tak semestinya boleh lepaskan. "aku tahan, aku sabar, aku simpan, sebab Allah." kuat? tunggu. tak kuat? silalah berlalu. tapi untuk berlalu pun kena kuat sebenarnya. "aku serahkan kepada Allah." kena kuat untuk cakap dan maksudkan ayat tu. "i let you go for the sake of Allah." say it, feel it, and may Allah help those in need. semoga dipermudahkan.


"The great irony of life: You only keep what you give. You only hold onto what you let go." - Yasmin Mogahed. let something go for the sake of Allah, and you'll get to keep it. it will be returned to you if not in this life, in the next. if not the same thing, something better. but it will always be yours. the sacrifice, is yours.

semua benda kalau buat sebab Allah, akan jadi ibadah. belajar, kerja, berkawan, berkahwin. eh. tapi niat la, dan cara. benda kecik pun boleh jadi ibadah kan? macam buang sampah. bila dah anggap ibadah, kira dah niat lillahi taala lah. bagi tak terpesong niat, tersalah cara, aku rasa cam biasa, kita kena mulakan semua dengan bismillah. entahlah, tapi pada aku kalau betul faham 'dengan nama Allah', maksudnya kita dah buat sebab Allah la, kan? bila dah automatik niat camtu, cara pun selari. sebab tak kena la pulak dengan nama Allah aku minum berdiri... erk. dengan nama Allah aku masuk masjid ni emm mana pulak mamat hensem tadi... erk.

sebenarnya bila nak fikir pasal buat semua benda lillahi taala ni, memang banyak benda kita akan berhenti buat sebab banyak yang tak kena dengan 'dengan nama Allah.' hmmm. sama ada kita nak bismillah demi Allah setiap masa untuk jaga perbuatan kita, atau bila-bila kita nak je sebab kita masih nak buat lagi dan lagi.


so i guess lillahi taala ni semuanya tentang kenapa, bagaimana, dan untuk apa. kenapa sebab Allah? dah kerana Allah, habis tu bagaimana caranya? sebab Allah, kemudian untuk apa? baik ketiga-tiganya, insyaAllah untuk Allah la niat kita. oklah itu sahaja. jangan percaya dengan ini semua, ini hanyalah pandangan saya. jika tersilap kata harap maafkan. jika tersalah fakta tolong betulkan. jika berselisih pendapat minta terima dengan hati terbuka. mekaseh.


baidewei blog aku memang bukan lillahi taala sebab aku merapu je banyak kat sini haha erk kbaisalam.

Emo Separuh Hari

Harini aku emo separuh hari.

tapi bukan emo yang menangis, marah, merajuk bagai. bukan emo yang duduk diam menyepikan diri atau jalan ambik angin bawak diri. ni emo dalam hati. cey. emo yang boleh lagi sembang-sembang, gelak-gelak, macam bahagia gila padahal telinga sendiri je tau luahan rasa. telinga hati. cey.

masalah otak je kot sebenarnya.

pagi-pagi mengaji masa ALIS dah terbabas sini sana. mata macam tak nampak nun dengung, terlepas pandang checkpoint nak ambik nafas. my God get a grip, i told myself as my voice trembled. semalam tak pula begini, haih aku bebel dalam hati. pehal ni pehal. pms ke apa. sepanjang ALIS asyik zone out. come back ama and stay with me, i told myself as i blinked rapidly. tulis atas test pad penuh satu muka surat pasal sesuatu yang tak patut mengganggu aku pun. suck it up, i told myself as i stared at one of the last lines: AMA YOUR BING STUPID.

what was i being stupid about?

i suck. i screwed up.

it got nothing to do with academic stuffs or jiwang shits.

it was about something small, but big to me, leading me to overthink and doubt my self-worth as a human being.

well that escalated quickly.

ama how can you doubt your self-worth just by that 5-minute experience? but maybe that 5 minutes were what that counts. you can do so much better than that. you are better than this. you wouldn't even judge people just by that, then why would you degrade yourself with the same reason? why would you let it define you? why would you think what others think?  whyyyyy???

it was about something small, but big to me, leading me to feel worthless for the first half of the day.

masa buat past year econs, aku macam taktau pape. kena refer buku. baru soalan satu. tambah down ah camni. pastu dengar ijy dengan danny tengah bincang sesama. "nak buat dengan doranglaa..." anis cakap "laa buatla dengan kita." "awak dah soalan dua... kita... lembab." pastu anis marah hahah. "alah anis bukan salu pun kita down camni..."

"ok, i'll allow you, tapi harini je."

"ok."

hari lain aku bukannya banyak self-confidence pun, tapi takdelah self-criticism. i have a healthy balance of confidence and criticism. i don't have much of both, a tablespoon might do. i don't pour excessive confidence into the pot or stir roughly with criticism. but today, some devil might have knocked over the whole sack of powder with the brand You Suck.

it all was caused by a pinch of salt I Screwed Up, creating the mixture of flavours called I Am an Embarrassment, People's Overestimation of Me Is Irrelevant Now They'll Think I'm No Subtance, I Am Helpless and Hopeless, I Am a Lazy Student I Shouldn't Be Here, I Don't Deserve Anything or Anybody, Kesian Laki Aku, and I Could Die.

haish.

macam tu lah aku sepanjang pagi tadi. tapi dari luaran nampak macam normal je kan, haha.

bila dah emo camni, memang setiap masalah yang kau cuba tanam akan korek balik keluar. benda yang tak masalah pun jadi masalah. mula lah nak bilang insecurities satu per satu. mula lah nak rasa diri ni tak berharga la, bodoh la, apa la. seriously aku tak suka bila orang down macam ni. tapi harini aku pulak mengdownkan diri. every dog has its day i guess. tapi aku takde ah down pastu cam bagitau satu dunia kan. aku bagitau blog aku je. heh heh.

free time dalam kelas tadi aku tunduk mengaji, biar sejuk sikit hati ni. tak faham pun apa yang dimengajikan, tapi tetap berair mata... betul lah yang mengaji ni macam isi air dalam bakul yang kotor. bakul berlubang = pemahaman lopong. tapi walaupun bakul tu tak berisi air, bakul tu jadi bersih. tak penuh tapi dibasuh. cuma kalau penuh, lagi syok kan? tapi tilawah dengan tadabbur tak selari. pon boleh.

nak cerita kat orang pun buat malu je. taknak cerita cerita sebenar pun sebenarnya. orang nampak macam sibuk sangat study, takyah la kacau focus dorang pulak kan. biar aku dengan overthinking brain aku sendiri.  memang ada yang aku boleh pinjam telinga, tapi kalau cerita pun dorang boleh buat apa je? biar la aku malu dengan diri sendiri sengsorang, takyah aku malu dengan orang lain pulak.

sampai satu point in the middle of the class aku keluar sebab mata dah berair tah tahan, nak gi toilet menenangkan fikiran lol tapi ada bebudak laki bertenggek tepi koridor. hangin aku. malas nak lalu. terus masuk balik. yang nak tenangkan fikiran pun kat toilet kan, sarang setan. gi la surau ke tsk. surau jauh nanti termiss lecture T_T

nak zohor, before ambik wuduk cakap kat wani "i feel shitty today."

wani jawab "share the shit."

wani always has philosophies to live by. i once said to her after briefly describing a problem: "sad life."

she answered "fill it with boys." bapak ah philosopher gila haha. it wasn't even boys problem (relevant tho).

lepas dah solat zohor baru perasan yang aku dah tak rasa shitty lagi.

aku dah ok :)

pastu ummul pulak bagitau petang ni ada usrah.

"yeay kita memang perlukan benda camni harini!" :D

tapi last-last aku yang lupa. dah nak time baru ingat, tapi time tu tengah kat kedai makan terperangkap dalam hujan. kredit tinggal 0.03 sen, but i took a leap of faith by calling ummul anyway and guess what I MADE IT! weyy bukankah itu miracle? Ya Allah jadikanlah hujan ni hujan yang bawa keberkatan zapp terus makbul lolol. minta ummul tundakan semata-mata sebab aku takde, mengadanya hmph. ala usrah sesama kengkawan je pun, hihi barulah betul betul 'keluarga' ;)

the current meme trend: surprised patrick.

surprised patrick is surprised.

meme in french means same. SAME.

oh 18 hari lagi final exam. masuk harini dah seminggu lebih aku study hari-hari. ok la sebab ada core math test last week and psychology kuiz this week. tapi study ah jugak kan. ok la pegang buku walaupun sekejap pun kira study ah kan. ok la tak termasuk jumaat cos it's TGIF baby walaupun sekarang aku tengah jadi rajin secara konsisten yang tak pernah terjadi sebelum ni walaupun untuk beberapa hari tak bermaksud aku korbankan hari jumaat yang penuh barokah dan rahmat (dan perlu rehat), boleh brain breakdown camtu.

study awal 20 hari hari-hari tolak jumaat walaupun sikit je study... this is the farthest i have ever been from studying last minute and the closest i have ever been to early revision.

nak SPM pun tak camni.

:')

mungkin sebab SPM tak menentukan sama ada result ni boleh dapat offer from top 50 uni and worse, sama ada scholarship dikekalkan atau ditarik balik next sem nanti.


:'(


pray for us. thank you T_T

Depression Tu Macam Drugs. Drugs Tu Memang Dadah. el o el.

dulu aku rasa aku kena kawan dengan orang yang betul-betul faham aku. masa tu aku sekolah rendah. untuk ada kawan yang betul-betul faham aku, kriteria kawan idaman aku ialah kena serabut, kena ada sesuatu yang dia takde, kena ada sesuatu yang tak normal dalam hidup dia, kena ada sesuatu yang buat dia depress. baru dia boleh faham aku, baru aku boleh percaya dia.

tapi kengkawan aku dulu macam bahagia pulak semuanya. hidup nampak sempurna je. nampak jelah, di sebalik dinding rumah aku taktau. tapi aku rasa memang bahagia pun. at least, lebih daripada aku. aku rasa laa, jangan marah kalau aku salah. kalau aku rasa ada yang tak bahagia, tu sebab muka kau kelam. dan sebab aku pegang lumrah alam yang takde apa yang sempurna. kita semua ada benda kita takde. aku bukan mind reader. aku tak boleh 'baca jiwa yang rapuh dari mata yang sedih' kalau dah hari-hari mata kau berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa kau penuh. dan aku tak harap pun orang lain ada bakat sama nak baca aku.

pernah aku nak something jadi dalam hidup dorang so hidup kitorang sama. bukan aku sorang je ada rahsia. bukan aku sorang je rasa. kau boleh cakap aku 'kecik-kecik dah jahat'. atau kau boleh cakap aku 'jahil sebab tak cukup matang.' terpulang. yang pasti aku tak macam tu lagi sekarang.

mungkin sebab aku sedar. sebahagia mana pun dorang, kitorang tetap gembira berkawan. sampai sekarang :)

berkawan ni tak perlu cerita hidup sama. boleh berbeza, asalkan terima. boleh bagai langit dengan bumi, asalkan mengerti. boleh bercerita, kalau percaya. boleh memendam, kalau kita faham - faham yang dorang takkan faham. tak perlulah kau yang taknak cerita kat orang, pastu kau kata orang tak tahu kisah hidup kau lah, orang tak memahami emosi yang tersembunyilah, orang tak membaca duka di sebalik tawalah, apa lah. jangan nak jadi mangsa sangat lah weh.

nak orang faham? cerita.

rasa orang tak faham? diam.

kan senang.

aku takdelah pulak memangsakan diri dulu, sebab aku tau aku yang pilih jadi macam tu. aku yang pilih untuk mata berair sebab gelak semata, macam jiwa aku penuh. takde makna nak pakai t-shirt jiwa kosong bagai.

some people prefer to hide their pain, deny their problems. i do too. but what's the point if you'll bring it up later? blame others for not knowing? make them feel as if they're useless? or are you just being attention-seeking? praising yourself for smiling and laughing all the time despite it all? what do you want?

secrecy? or sympathy?

aku jugak rasa aku kena kahwin dengan orang yang faham aku. kriteria? sama seperti di atas. kawan? setakat luar rumah. kawen? setiap penjuru rumah aku dia kena tau. jadi kriteria kena lagi strict sikit. kalau rumah aku bocor kat bumbung, bumbung dia kena bocor sama. kalau tiang rumah aku retak, tiang dia kena retak juga. contohnya. simboliknya.

aku rasa aku takleh kahwin dengan orang yang hidup dia bahagia, yang keluarga sempurna.

kawan aku tak pernah tau setiap penjuru rumah aku. tapi laki aku nanti, dia kena tau. dan masa tu, takde ceruk yang aku boleh sembunyi. melainkan syiling yang bocor dan tiang yang retak dengan ajaibnya baiki sendiri. masa tu kau nak intai setiap lubang pun takpe, bang.

contohnya. simboliknya.

kalau rumah dia kukuh serba serbi, macam mana dia nak duduk dalam rumah aku yang boleh runtuh ni? aku kena cari orang yang rumah pernah hancur jugak. yang walaupun dah dibina balik, masih rapuh. kalau tak, dia akan rindu rumah dia yang kukuh. dia takkan nak duduk sebumbung dengan aku.

sebab dia tak biasa. dia tak faham. dia tak rasa.

mengeluh.

dan aku fikir pasal semua ni masa aku sekolah rendah, hahah.

pernah tengok cerita Closer? aku sarankan korang tengok, tapi aku tak sarankan korang download. maka berharaplah tv yang berpenapis akan tunjuk cerita ni. takut kalau korang tengok versi tak ditapis, aku pulak berdosa kang hahaha. but it's a really good movie, dialogue wise. cerita simple, plot wise. tapi complicated tahap dewa, human wise. sebab manusia ni complicated bebenar. jap, perasaan yang buat manusia complicated sebenarnya. tak kisahlah suka ke, nafsu ke, cinta ke. sama je.

the dialogue is really something. it's a movie which moves you with words, not actions.

eniwaiz, ada satu scene ni bila si lelaki cakap kepada si perempuan "you deserve to be happy."

memula aku cam "hekeleh bro, dia dah taknak kat kau, dah ah. dia nak kat laki tu. dia happy ngan laki tu, so? kau pulak bajet yang dia lagi happy dengan kau tapi dia rasa dia tak layak untuk happy sebab tu dia pilih laki tu, EL O EL."

tapi kemudian ada scene lain masa si lelaki bercakap dengan laki tu pasal si perempuan. laki tu minta si lelaki lepaskan si perempuan, bagi kat dia la kira ni. amboi si perempuan pun, kau ingat kau apa? bola nak di pass pass? 

laki tu: I apologize. If you love her you'll let her go so she can be happy.

si lelaki: She doesn't want to be happy.

laki tu: Everybody wants to be happy.

si lelaki: Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

apa yang si lelaki cakap buat aku macam.... pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch.

sebab aku rasa aku faham maksud dia.

aku cakap aku pernah depresi kan. aku tak main-main bila aku cakap camtu. aku taktaulah aku kategori clinical-psychologically-diagnosed depression, atau childish-tantrums-and-later-teenagers-hormonal-imbalance-overdramatized-as-depression depression. tapi aku depresi la.

bila makin besar, walaupun dah tak depresi, aku rasa depresi is a part of me. bila ada survey "anda pernah depresi?" aku tanda ya. bila baca pasal orang depresi, aku rasa aku memahami. bila cek tanda-tanda depresi, jari aku yang mengira tunjuk aku ada banyak tanda tu - dulu. maybe i was not clinically diagnosed, but i knew, and i know, it was some kind of depression. i even wished i could see a psychologist. it's partly why I want to be a psychologist. what else could it be? don't tell me i overdramatized things, it's like you're telling a cancer patient "oh, it's just a mutant cell." even if i did, i had pretty good reasons to do that.

sooo. the point here is: after i was no longer depressed, as si lelaki said, i wanted to be unhappy to confirm i was depressed. if i was happy i couldn't be depressed anymore. and if i wasn't depressed, i wasn't being me. depression or whatever it was was a part of me. other people had other things, and i had depression to make me me. to make me different. to make me a somebody. somebody with a story. geddit?

maybe i was used to it. i thought if i was not depressed, i would not live my life like i was supposed to live it - depressed - like i once did. so i shouldn't be happy. i had to have a reason to be depressed. 

it's a pretty messed up idea isn't it?

nak cakap bodoh pun, tu aku jugak, dulu. dan ramai lagi, sekarang ni.

depression is usually destructive, sometimes it can be constructive, but above all - addictive. just like drugs.

sebab tu ke aku nak kahwin dengan orang yang bermasalah? entah. tapi aku rasa lebihnya sebab aku nak dia faham aku, tu je. someone who won't judge my life even though it can be judged. orang yang aku boleh percaya. someone i can show the dark side of my life to. orang yang terima aku. someone who can befriend my inner demons. kalau dia tak macam aku, macam mana dia nak jadi semua tu? aku nak orang yang boleh sayang aku walaupun aku serabut. someone who can love not only me, but my house, my rooftop, my life, at its worst.

true love, a cupid whispers. 

el o el.

antara ending scene movie tu tunjuk si perempuan dengan si lelaki, tapi si perempuan nampak tak happy. dia yang pilih untuk jadi tak happy. dan dia happy jadi tak happy. sebab dia rasa dia jadi diri dia sendiri.

messed up but i geddit.

i want to be happy. maybe, i was her. but not anymore. i deserve to be happy. well if you look at me, maybe i don't deserve it. but my life says i do. i do, after everything.

baru baru ni aku terbaca something yang lain, yang buat aku  pehhh. eh? oh............... ouch jugak.

Why people self-sabotage their happiness.

- I found out they represent a truly important psychological theory—one which clearly explains how and why sometimes a person’s comfort zone might actually be to stay in discomfort.

- Basically, you grew up in your childhood learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of happiness. Maybe you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only seventy-five percent. Or seventeen percent. When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel twitchy, because this new zone feels so unfamiliar. As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your “masochistic equilibrium.” Or, as mentioned above, you might simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the “masochistic equilibrium” you grew up with.

- Find examples of consistently happy, loving couples, and truly happy people. Spend as much time as possible with them so you can start to shift your belief system to what “normal love” and “normal happiness” are. Over time, you will begin to view highly positive situations as examples for your new normal. The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your “masochistic equilibrium.”

- Finally, there’s an added sneaky reason why painful patterns form: a theory à la Carl Jung. He believed that our lives need meaning and purpose. If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing.  Jung’s name for these patterns of “enterpaining” situations was “low-level spiritual quests.”

you have no idea how it really makes sense to me. how what i copied and pasted here feels really relatable. like when i read it for the first time i nodded my head enthusiastically with wide open eyes and dropped jaws, unable to mouth the words "u feel me!", for example. if i actually have something called  masochistic equilibrium, man, ain't i effed up. i've noticed the effed-up-ness of mine for quite a long time but to have a psychological theory found about it, makes me feel like ooohkaay, i'm officially effed up.

aku memang nak kahwin dengan orang yang rumah dia bocor retak sini sana bukan je sebab aku rasa dia takkan selesa duduk dekat rumah aku kalau rumah dia sempurna, tapi sebab aku rasa aku pun takkan selesa duduk kat rumah sesempurna rumah dia.

bayangkan keluarga ipar macam main kad "one happy family at home!"

aku rasa aku akan flip kad tu.

sebab "this new zone feels so unfamiliar." oleh itu aku "might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, down, down, down, down to your familiar zone—your masochistic equilibrium." atau dalam hal lelaki idaman ni, aku "simply choose situations right from the start which bring you a familiar level of pain, so as to match the masochistic equilibrium you grew up with.” 

PUFFF KE BABABOMM. MIND BLOWN.

masa form 5 ada kisah yang agak mengemokan aku. kengkadang aku lagi nak rasa emo tu. aku dengar lagu sedih ulang ulang, seksa diri memalam rasa wah zaman remajaku dramatik. lol. bak kata John Green, "that's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." tu satu. dua, sebab teori ni juga. "If we don’t have meaning and purpose, we acquire a bad habit in order to create drama and excitement—so we feel like there’s something interesting and entertaining happening in our life—even if it’s a bad exciting thing." sebab kita rasa at least hidup kita ada something, sebab bila rasa sakit, kita rasa kita hidup. kita ada hidup. tak macam orang yang memalam ulang-ulang buat add math je lolol (dan sebab ini lah add math kau A- je ama).

MIND BLOWN KAN?

THIS IS WHY I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY.

tapi tu dulu..... kot. bila aku tengok rumah lain yang memang perfect - tak perfect pun, normal - aku rasa hmmm bestnya, mana nak dapat bumbung kukuh tiang teguh ni, mana nak dapat kad happy family ni... rumah yang buat aku rasa ni bukan rumah aku, tapi aku nak rumah camni. mungkin bukan rumah sekarang, tapi rumah baru aku nanti. rumah idaman aku.

sebab "The more you witness positive examples of love and joy, the more opportunity you will have to change your belief system about life—and thereby start to change your masochistic equilibrium”, aku rasa aku berhak dapat rumah yang sama sempurna.

jadi tu dulu...... kot. sekarang aku takde dah masochistic equilibrium ni.

cuma kengkadang, terkeluarla jugak ayat "macam mana aku nak kahwin kalau macam ni?"

last time: minggu ni.

aku mungkin nampak macam suka je bab bab kahwin ni, tapi aku rasa sangat susah untuk aku kahwin sebenarnya. berangan? boleh. nak? mesti. tapi bebetul bina rumah sendiri? susah. apa tah lagi kalau rumah tu setiap penjuru berhantu. entahlah.

satu lagi sebab kenapa aku rasa aku macam ni, "because i'm a writer."

as Kurt Cobain once said, "thank you for the tragedy. i need it for my art."

as Gwendolyn Brooks once said, "writing is a delicious agony."

as Natalie Goldberh once said, "Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can’t forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released."

and as my old, best friend said, “I need to be sad. I’m a writer."

aku tak pernah cerita pasal ni dekat sesiapa. pasal semua ni. tapi aku pernah tunjuk dekat kawan aku, bahagian mana yang retak yang bocor tu. tu pun tak tunjuk semua, sikit je. dia cakap something yang aku takkan lupa sampai bila-bila. dia cakap... dia terkejut aku even terfikir untuk kahwin pun. she would expect me to like, be traumatized or lose faith or something.

little did she know, i had lose faith, once too many times - as i keep having it back again.

because how could i lose faith in Him?

in true love?

el o el.

at the same time, i had and still have, this fairy tale fantasy that a prince on a white horse will be my knight in shining armour and rescue me in my dungeon and carry me to his castle in the clouds which bricks are in the shape of love, which ceiling is carved with happy ending and which every pillar stands with perfection.

"I think we seek out people who we hope will fix what our childhood broke." - Yasmin Mogahed.

and i want someone who's broken too, so he needs me to fix him.

my life, as always, is an irony.

but over the years, i've learnt that from a dungeon to a mountain, i am my own hero.

but who doesn't want to live in the castle in the clouds right?

Today I'm 19 But It's Just Another Day

it was only the first two hours of my birthday, yet my red eyes and wet cheeks gave me away.

16 years ago

it all started when i saw this picture. i said, "i'm 19 now, babah. but i'll always be your little girl."

and all dams break loose.

dan dan masa tu pulaklaa playlist nak sabotaj aku kan. tetiba je lagu Christina Perri, The Lonely.

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

so much have changed, i have changed, life has changed, but this is what makes me who i am.

i flipped through the old albums as i sat beside my bed. the first album of my existence, i was only 3 days old. there were pictures of mama in her pantang mode holding me, wrapping me in blanket like a burrito, caressing me to sleep, rocking me gently... she was wearing socks, kain batik, hair all tied up. there were pictures of babah looking down at me in bakul baby when i was a few days old, holding me as i sat on his lap when i was a couple of months older - we were both topless, him in kain pelikat and me in my baby pants and mittens, we looked alike but my hair was sticking up and i was fat - probably my favourite photo with him.

at first there were tears of sadness, and then there were tears of gladness. i'm sad that you're not here. but i'm glad to be your daughter. it is a privilege to be your only daughter, babah.

i will keep you alive in me. i have your genes. i want to have your generosity, your kindness, your humility, your goodness. i will keep you alive, by leading a good life. insyaallah babah.

i stared at the pictures, and i know you loved me. you loved me so, so, so much. i can see it in your motionless eyes. i can see it in your still smile. you prayed for me. you wanted me. you got me. but our time was short. i was sad, but then i was glad, because i understood. i asked Him to send my regards to you, to tell you i'm now 19, and that i miss you and i love you.

mama, i will make this family live again. i will make you proud of me, as a woman. i will not let you down. i will make them say that waiting for me, was worth it. that i was worth the wait. that i was not a trouble at your age, i was not a nuisance intervened by fate. i will make them regret what they have said. i don't ask for more, you're my every year only birthday wish.

i stared at the pictures, and i know what you sacrifice for me. i know what you wish me to be. you don't ask much. but i know you only hope i'll be a decent daughter. insyaallah mama.

i love you so much mama. as how i texted you on your birthday, i love you 150 juta kali lagi besar daripada seluruh alam, lebih daripada orang lain sayang mak dorang because i only have you and you are my everything - my bapak, my best friend, my tukang masak. but now i'm trying to place you second after Allah, because i know what i love most will be the reason of my worst pain.

tah pape kan.

beday pun nak emo. takpe, setahun dua tiga kali je aku emo benda camni. Nabi pun kata takpe mata menangis, takpe hati sedih, asalkan mulut tak mengeluarkan kata-kata yang boleh buat Allah murka. i don't blame fate but i blame people who can't cope with fate. tapi ada sebab ketiga aku emo tengah malam semalam... sebab yang tak patut. yang buat aku malu. aku dah sedih pasal bapak aku, lepas dah habis sedih pasal tu boleh pulak aku sedih pasal ni? amaaa, amaaa. stop it ama.

i recited Al-fatihah for three people last night.

oh well. it has been two weeks. i made it. it's my birthday, so i deserve a self-treat :)

birthdays have never been big in my family. wait, rephrase: birthdays have never been big in my family since babah's gone. it just means i'm officially one year older. so honestly i don't care at all, i'm used to it. the era of presents and birthday cakes and happy birthday choruses is long gone now, with him. all i wish for is mama.

but if my big family wants to have a gathering and a dinner together, thank you then. everyone was present. yesterday we only had a small feast at home partly because it's easier that way with all my nephews and nieces scattered around the house. bila la korang nak besar ni. kalau dah besar pun tambah lagi. aku dengan mama potong kek pakai baju tido je, sungguh tak glemer. haha

my birthday no longer feels like a birthday, and i'm okay :)

15 years ago

while eating silently last night i tried not to think about what could have been if only babah was here.

but today, that's all i am reminded about.

lepas bangun, turun bawah pergi dapur cari maa. maa cakap "panjang kan beday wish mama message." nak kalahkan aku la tu sebab aku message dia sampai 6 page. kalau mak aku tak nangis baca aku taktaula, tapi dia tu memang keras macam laki sikit. text mama untuk aku tak sepanjang tu, tapi nampaklah effort dia untuk orang yang malas taip, dahlah bm baku macam novel pulak tu. siap ada pesanan pasal jodoh, amboi ma dah tak sabar ke (padahal yang tak sabarnya sapeee pesanan lain ada tapi ini jugak nak dihighlightnyaaa). ma kata aku kena ada ciri2 yang baik yang aku nak laki aku ada nanti. sebab "mereka akan memilih pasangan yang baik untuk mendampingi mereka seumur hidup. macam babah pilih mama hehe!" 

HAHAHHAHAHA K MAAAAA.

pastu ma peluk cium. "kesiannn." lol ma. 

beberapa jam kemudian baru abang-abang aku sedar kot sekarang dah siang, baru wish aku macam tak breakfast semeja pulak sebelum tu -_-"

abang 1: message semalam lepas dia dah balik rumah dia. aku tak reply lagi sebab takde kredit hahaha

abang 2: "eh, hepi beday yu. jimat kredit aku 1 sen tahun ni takyah message kau."

abang 3: "eh, hepi beday. biasa kalau jauh aku message awal-awal, ni dah dekat lupa pulak nak wish heheh."

abang 4: "hepi beday yu! kesiannn."

"kenapa semua orang kesian kat ayu ni maaa urgh."

"sebab semua tau kalau babah ada camne."

ok la kesian la T_T

aku tak suka kesiankan diri sendiri. dan aku tak suka orang kesiankan aku. aku bukan blog pasal ni sebab nak minta simpati. kalau korang nak simpati bagai aku rembat korang keluar dari sini *hayun penyapu*

tapi aku kesiankan mama aku. dia cerita pasal birthday dia. aku nangis. sebab aku marah, kecewa, sedih. masa tu kat meja makan kat dining room, jadi tersorok la sikit sebab orang lain semua dekat bahagian lain rumah. masa tu semua orang dah habis makan, aku lepak dua orang je ngan mama cecite rahsia. mak aku rilek je, aku lak emo (cam biasa). bila orang lalu aku baring atas kerusi menyorok belakang meja. 

"maa, ayu selalu duduk bawah meja ni dulu kan ma."

"haah, suka menyorok."

"haah."

"merajuk pun kat situ. mengada."

"tapi takde sapa nak pujuk. last-last ayu yang keluar sendiri sebab peluh-peluh. dah besar sikit merajuk dalam bilik, tu pun ayu yang turun sendiri tengah malam sebab lapar, tapi mama dah simpan makanan"

"hahahah"

pastu sambung lagi nangis dalam bilik mama pulak. masuk bilik tengok mama tengah solat Dhuha. habis salam je terus baring kat peha mama. tapi tak cakap pape.

i'm 19 now, mama. but i'll always be your daughter whose tears wet your lap.

aku tanya mama "sakit tak beranak?" soalan tak boleh blah. mama pun cerita, baru dengar dah ngilu rasa. thank you, mama. i never ask for anything because i am the one who should give you something. you already gave birth to me :')

"kesian mama, sakit beranak. tak dapat pape pun. takpe ma, nanti ayu belajar.... esok... minggu depan" sempat lagi tu.

"ma, kalau babah ada ma rasa ayu manja tak? manja yang mengada. yang mintak macam-macam."

"tak kot, sebab dorang dulu pun tak macam tu. babah yang kasi."

:)

aku tanya sebab sekarang walaupun beday aku harini, aku rasa cukup ada mak aku, macam hari biasa. aku tak nak pape dah. tapi kalau ada babah? tah-tah aku nak beday bash bagai. tapi aku dulu kecik-kecik pun dah segan kalau babah buat pape untuk hari jadi. taktaulah besar camne kalau babah ada lagi. mungkin masih segan sebab memang dah camtu genetik kami, atau mungkin aku dah jadi anak perempuan manja yang mintak semuanya dan dapat apa saje.

"bah, nak kereta?"

"laa kan babah dah bagi last year?"

"nak lagi satu?"

errrrr. 

i got my first car when i was three. kau ada?!

i know how life can get bitter. but i also know how life can get better. i know how life can change from good to bad and bad to good. and i know how it all can happen at the same time, pushing you up and pulling you down together. so don't say i don't know, don't say i've only seen rainbows. life is just like the world, in some places it can be sunny, in others, stormy. life can be awful, but at the same time wonderful. it all depends on how you look at it.

in these 19 years, i''ve learnt that things change. life changes and people change. i've learnt that those years when i wanted to surrender, i actually had quite a bright future. but i didn't know that. all i knew was the present which i couldn't stand. if i did give up, i would have missed all the good things. these priceless experiences, these awesome people, this new me.

i have changed quite a lot actually :)

so never give up on life, no matter how dark it seems, how trapped you feel, how bad everything is. because life, like things and people, will change. wouldn't you want to be there to witness it happens? so never give up on life, ever. for life is full of surprises!

i didn't, and o Allah please give me patience and strength and perseverance, so i won't :)

now here i am, blogging in my room, needing some peace after a night with le family and only craving the company of my mommy. it is just like any other day. except with some crying. and a delicious creme brule. and oh i'm 19! :D

thanks to my cool classmates the superb 10SS1 for singing happy birthday to me in advance hence making me awkward saying "it's not my birthday! belum lagi! lagi 3 hari!", thanks to yang kasi hadiah why are you so sweet i don't know how to pick presents for you cos i suck at it, thanks to those who wished me face to face, via text message, on facebook, through whatsapp, wish yang pendek dari hb (LOL) kepada yang panjang dan menyentuh perasaan ah you know how i love words so much it's not hard to wish a girl who writes! thanks to kawan yang dah lama tak contact yang aku taktau pun dia tau beday aku tapi ingat rupanya (kfine facebook notification and phone reminder kfine), kawan lama SKLK, kawan dirindui KRK, kawan diingati AB Family, kawan baru tapi disayangi INTEC, yang pernah jumpa dan tak pernah jumpa, kawan dalam Malaysia dan juga kawan di perantauan sana ;)

my birthday is just like any other day, and that's okay. but it does make a difference to know that people care. so thank you so much everyone. from two alphabets to two pages, i appreciate your wishes and prayers. some make me laugh and some cause tears, some even make me speechless and i'm lost for words.

may Allah bless you always.

thank you.

thank You, Allah.
i'm 19 today, yeay! :D