Jodoh Lesson Shopping Session

i'm gonna talk about jodoh a bit lah ok today.

if i can talk about jodoh in term of shopping, there are three different situations:

1. when you see a dress on sale, you may like the colour, the pattern, the cutting. but something's not right. when you try it on, it doesn't fit you. or when you imagine yourself wearing it, it doesn't suit you. you like it, but it's not for you. it's just not you. the same thing goes to jodoh.

you like someone, but you know you're not compatible on some level. you don't have chemistry. you just like the idea of them, but you don't love them. or you know somebody with whom you have the C&C, somebody you would fall for if he was a fictional character, you would fall even more for if he existed in the real world. but now you've met him, you like him as a person, but you don't love him in that way. 

the way i didn't buy a dress i would have bought, but for some reasons, i didn't.

2. you are searching for the perfect shoes. one shop after another, the whole mall you've conquered. but nothing is right for you. you like the colour, but you don't wear high heels. you like the design, but you don't wear flats. time is running out, so you just have to buy a pair, against your will, just to have something to wear. 

like the first situation, the second situation is based on personal experience. hehe. both are somewhat common but the second one left more impression. i had explored one mall in penang and gone into each store thrice, but i just couldn't make up my mind, because i didn't find exactly what i had in mind. i had shortlisted some pairs. i even planned to buy two pairs if i just couldn't choose. it turned out, one day of shoe seeking was fruitless. i bought none. i left feeling cranky i even said no to the best steak i haven't had in years. omg what a waste. 

the next day i went to another mall, this time my mom accompanied me, because she wanted me to just buy a pair and get it over with. under her pressure, i bought one. at the last row of shoes, i found it. i did a double take. i decided to buy it. but i was not happy. i felt... forced. like a forced marriage lol. to me if i'm gonna buy something, i'm gonna spend money only on what i feel worth it, what i love. the same goes to marriage.

a few minutes later, i accepted the fact that i have paid for the shoes, so i might as well accepted them.

i said something like this, "macam ni lah kot jodoh. taknak pun beli jugak."

ma replied "memula memangla tak suka. lepastu belajarla hidup dengan kekurangan dia. terima jelah seadanya."

we both laughed.

and... it's true. after i brought it home, i couldn't take my eyes off it. i couldn't wait to wear it. suddenly it was... sufficient to me? sufficient for me? hahaha so weird romanticizing shoes like this. now i love it. sometimes when i wear it, i eye my shoes... it doesn't have all the criteria of the perfect shoes i was looking for; not the design, not the colour, nothing. but now i feel that my shoes are enough. it fits me perfectly and perfectly matches my clothes :)

3. one day, i helped my friend look for a new card holder for her id card. there were card holders of all colours and cartoon characters... i found one of hello kitty. i knew she loves hello kitty so much she is even a collector, so i showed it to her. she was thrilled. then i found something which thrilled me too. a pink card holder with a pink lanyard. it was so cute! sort of love at first sight, but then it already fit my criteria. i wanted it so bad! but i was contemplating whether to buy it or not. my card holder, although detached from the UK/US lanyard for A-Level students, although dangled only on a keychain with a yellow koala face and my house key, was still in no state which needed me to buy a new one for my id. i didn't have a reason to buy it, so i didn't.

one month and a half later, a few days ago, my plastic card holder got torn apart. so i went to the same shop. there it was, the pink card holder with the pink lanyard. it was not hanged like other card holders, it dropped on some place else, somewhere i didn't have to look for. i found it straightaway without even looking. guess what, it was the last one left! had i gone a little later, somebody else could have bought it! i would have to settle with boring black lanyards or plain plastic card holders... but no, i went to the shop at the right time.

i told this to my friend. so it started from there.

"kita datang dulu tapi tak beli. kita memang nak sangat. rupanya belum sampai masa... sekarang masanya dah tiba!"

"ya Allah ama..." her mouth was left hanging, the realization in her eyes of where this was going.

"timing awak... timing. the right time..."

"macam jodoh."

"jodoh datang ikut timing. dulu kita takde sebab nak beli, sekarang ada sebab..."

"jodoh datang.......... bila perlu."

*DUA DUA TERNGANGA TERBELIAK TERPANA DENGAN KEBIJAKSANAAN SENDIRI*

prior to the mindblowing finding we were already talking about this topic, she told me about the only book she's read from cover to cover because it was so good. the book is about jodoh. then i left to go to the shop. when i returned, we kinda continued our conversation, that's why even this event was linked to jodoh... it's not like we see the concept of fate in everything, hahaha no, hahaha who does that, hahaha lame-o~~~ hahaha... 

ok.

so yeah.

just imagine if we can actually shop for jodoh. omg. can i do it online? can i have free shipping? can i custom made it? can i illegally download it? can i have the promotion package? can i buy 1 free 1?

i'd say finding a mate is pretty much like shopping. yet, you decide your own fate. you determine whether you want the product despite the price. if you don't get off your arse, no dress, no shoes, no card holder is gonna fall onto your lap from the sky. just because God has written it all down for you, doesn't mean you just have to wait and He'll throw it to your face. nothing is gonna shove itself up your nose.

just like shopping, it might take a day or two, swollen feet, messed up mind, questionable choices, regrettable resits, before you find the perfect match. but when you do, even if it's not perfect, you will find that it perfectly fits you.

Solat, Alarm dan Dot Dot Dot

masuk intec, dok akasia, aku banyak belajar erti kesabaran.

selama hidup hampir doploh tahun ni memang belajar bersabar ialah satu proses yang tak pernah berhenti. ada je benda yang mencabar kesabaran aku. aku ni dahlah jenis manusia yang kalau ikut hati nak je flip semua benda, tapi sebab ada otak lagi aku tahan je diri. kengkadang rasa kena masuk anger management support group pun ada lol. tapi itulah mujahadahnya, terbakar dalam tenang :3 pergh mujahadah konon. blah.

kat sini sebab untuk bersabar tu lain daripada sebelum ni.

serius la. dari sem 1 sampai sem 2 sampai sem 3 sampai sem 4 adaaa je sebab untuk aku tarik nafas ketap gigi buat selamba bajet lek jerit dalam hati. cakap kat diri sendiri "Allah is testing me (and teaching me) through people."

ada sebab-sebab tu dah berkurangan, atau ada sebab-sebab tu aku dah semakin terer tangani dan dapat tahan.

tapi ada satu sebab ni yang aku rasa sangat menguji kesabaran tahap maksima pada masa yang sama membentuk aku menjadi insan yang sabar di peringkat tertinggi. taktau la dah dibentuk ke belum, but i'm getting there, getting there okaaay.

hal itu adalah... *drum roll*

solat masa alarm, bunyi fon, dan message berlagu yang takkan berhenti kepunyaan housemate kesayangan :')

kalau benda tu jadi siang, housemate tersebut akan tutup alarm, angkat fon, dan bukak message beliau. takpe. tapi kalau jadi malam atau pagi buta masa semua orang tido aku sorang je jaga eyyyyy memang lah memang! paling tak tahan bila dia sendiri pun tak tutup fon dia yang berbunyi T__T lagi tak tahan bila fon tu dalam tangan dia je, sebelah telinga dia je T__T bertambah tak tahan yang dia selambaaa tido lena tapi bila aku masuk bilik dia dalam gelap bertelekung macam hantu jalan atas ibu jari seboleh-bolehnya taknak buat bunyi, dia boleh pulak terjaga T__T makinnn tak tahan kalau dia memang sedaaar sebenarnyaaa T____T

housemate aku tu baik tapi sorry the truth has to be told lolol. takpelah jadi kisah tauladan kan? moga dimaafkan T_T

so.

aku kalau terjaga dari tido sebab alarm, punya lah gelabah cecepat cari fon nak tutup, sebab taknak kacau satu rumah, dan sebab aku pun menyampah dengar alarm sendiri. paling benci kalau alarm yang bunyi memang macam alarm tu. alarm aku lagu ceria sikit, dan.... bermakna.

"I'll meet you where the earth meets the sun"
"You've got nothing to lose"
"Oh don't you worry, 
Just smile and do your thing girl
Cause I'm on my way out and I'll be there
In the morning
Come on! Come on! I'll keep running til' I burn out the sun" 
- Morgan Laurence Come on, Come on

kamon la bangun bangun matahari nak naik! camtula kiranya. dah bertahun aku pakai alarm ni. biasanya alarm ni baru first line aku dah bangun tutup. walaupun tak semestinya bangun terus. selalu kalau sebelum tido dah niat nak bangun awal untuk solat dan sahur, memang akan terbangun sendiri sebelum alarm bunyi (tips!). tapi sebelum masuk toilet ke masuk dapur ke aku pastikan dulu aku tutup alarm aku. tapi apa yang jadi aku kena tutupkan alarm orang lain pulak. kena tutup alarm yang berbunyi jugak.

bayangkanla. dia buat alarm awal. dari pukul 5 pagi kot, dulu sebelum 3, 4 pagi pun ada. tapi biasanya dia bangun dalam pukul 6 juga. setiap beberapa minit alarm tu berbunyi. bayangkanla apa aku kena hadapi. hari yang aku tak bangun malam takpela, aku memang tido mati. tu pun kengkadang aku boleh terjaga dari tido, kuar bilik aku masuk bilik dia, tutup alarm, sambung tido. pastu bunyi lagi.

hari yang aku bangun awal memang hazaaab. nak-nak bulan puasa, hari-hari dimulakan dengan rutin perit. pertama kali jadi masa sem 1. memula aku sabar lagi ok takpe. tapi bila tak benti aku dah panaaaas je. tengah dalam solat tu. leh lak panas. sabar sabar. cam nak mencarut pun ada. baru lepas solat taubat dah buat dosa.  Istighfar istighfar. pernah je aku rasa nak benti solat gi tutup fon dia. ke aku pernah buat? hahaha tah lupa. tapi memang tensyen la. konon nak cari ketenangan, tapi tekanan yang dapat. baru nak feeling feeling doa masa dunia tengah sunyi sekaliii. kasi salam, bangun terus gi cari fon dia tutup. dok jap. bunyi lagi ya rabbiii. mengucap aku. faham tak lagu tu lagi?! sampai aku dah menyampah dengar suara maher zain tahu?! hahaha

sekarang ni, bila jadi aku boleh kawal keadaan sikit la. kalau tengah solat tu, aku kuatkan sikit bacaan. kalau tengah doa, aku berhenti jap doa. kalau doa lepas solat boleh la aku pegi tutup fon dia tu baling keluar tingkap ke apa. ni doa masa sujud. apa boleh buat. memang aku tungguuuu lagu tu habis dulu.

kengkadang, dalam solat tu aku dalam hati siap "ya Allah bagi aku sabar ya Allah tolonglah".


sebenarnya nak cite pasal pagi tadi. pagi tadi, seperti biasa, jadi lagi camni. housemate aku yang salu bangun sahur dengan aku takde pagi isnin. so kalau dia bangun sahur pagi khamis pastu alarm housemate kitorang tu bunyi masa aku tengah solat, dia tutupkan. tapi pada pagi isnin tiada siapa boleh membantuku. jadi kena tabah lebih sikit. aku kuar masuk bilik dia beberapa kali. kali pertama aku kejut sebab dia kata dia nak sahur jugak. kali kedua kejut lagi suruh sahur. kali ketiga aku tanya nak sahur tak? dah macam mak aku pulak aku rasa. dulu mama selalu bangun dulu, sediakan sahur, solat sunat, pastu kejut aku masa dia masih pakai telekung :') bila aku masuk bilik housemate aku tu untuk kali ke berapa tah aku cakap "awak kalau taknak bangun tolong tutup alarm, sebab kita nak solat sorry thanks." serius masa lain aku tak sampai hati nak cakap. aku rasa dia patut paham sendiri lah kot sampai housemate pun kena tutupkan alarm, tu dah lain macam.

bila jadi lagi sekali lepas tu, masa tu aku tengah doa dalam sujud. aku benti. diam jap. pastu aku doa "ya Allah berilah aku kesabaran." dan tetiba..... aku terus nangis. sampai habis solat nangis teresak-esak. aku pun tak paham. apakah yang terjadi ni. tapi masa tu memang aku rasa aku tak tahan sangat. mungkin puncanya bukan semata-mata kerana alarm si housemate. mungkin ada sebab lain yang buat aku rasa penat, yang buat aku kena sabar, yang buat aku rasa aku kena kuat. mungkin. memang.

out of nowhere, i saw this image today. perfect timing.
i prayed for patience.

so i need to be patient to get patience?

patienception.

memang orang kata, kalau kita nak jadi penyabar, kita kena lalui benda yang buat kita bersabar. kalau tak mana nak datang sifat sabar tu kan? doa je terus dapat? sabar ni dari dalam diri. so kita yang kena keluarkan dia. nak keluarkan, kena ada pemangkinnya. benda kecik, tapi memang benda ni ajar aku bersabar. ajar aku khusyuk dan fokus dalam apa jua keadaan. ajar aku kawal reaksi kawal diri. ajar aku jaga hati jaga mulut, yelah dalam solat takkan hati pun nak cakap lepas je kan. masa tu memang rasa aku penyabar sangat. sebab memang terpaksa bersabar. teruskan. selesaikan solat. tapi jangan laju nak cepat kang apa pun tak dapat. benda kecik je, tapi sabar dia besar.


mungkin takyah masuk anger management support group pun sebenarnya :)

When Unhappiness Shows

this week weird things have been happening. yet appropriate.

i dreamt someone told me i looked unhappy. i was like, oh crap, does it show? yes, they said. and some other things i don't remember. but i'll never forget that i was told about how unhappy i looked, in a dream. in the dream i felt really bad, because people could see it. and the person talked as if i was guilty for it. as if i have this obligation to put on a happy face all the time like i always did. as if when i stop wearing the mask pulling up the corners of my mouth, the world will be ugly and everyone will be in misery and it's all my fault. when actually, the world doesn't give a shit.

on the same day a classmate came kneeling before me asking me if i was okay. i said i was. she said i didn't look okay. i said well it's just life, isn't it? but i was okay. then she hugged me. 

the next day, i was staring into space and the space happened to have a different classmate catching my empty stare. he got up and came to me, telling me to come with him. he pulled two chairs to the back of the class. he told me a couple of times that he would play some mind games with me. the time had come.

"so what's this psychological shit you wanna pull?"

"psychological shit eh?"

"ok tak shit, sorry. yelah cepatlah apa"

"i'm gonna get into your mind like the time snape got into harry's mind and harry had to fight to stop-"

"but harry got into snape's mind instead so it means i will get into yours and see your worst memory?"

"eh no no you can't-"

"come on bring it on the telepathy"

"okay. so, what's wrong?"

"what?"

"are you schizophrenic?"

"no"

"something's wrong. you're not anorexic, i can tell you that"

"siot" but i laughed along.

"are you having pms? are you on your period?"

"waddahel. no i'm not."

"mood swings?"

"taklah. it's not.. mood. it's just my state now."

"okay. close your eyes. imagine you're in a car going to KLIA. you're with your family. when you arrive your friends are already there for you. in your hand are your passport and plane ticket. you're going to the university of your choice. how do you feel?"

"sad."

"sad??" he was surprised.

trying to make my answer more scheme-friendly, i said "yelah, sad, but excited."

"so that's what you're feeling now. you're feeling sad."

"what?! it's not legit at all!"

"it is! who would be sad in that situation?"

"YOU would!"

"no, i would be happy"

"you will be sad even a bit. leaving everyone behind"

"but you're going to make your dream come true"

"you will still be sad. and it doesn't have anything to do with how i'm feeling! takde kaitan langsung"

so after a while bickering about the validity of his psychological test on me.....

"there must be something wrong. what is it?"

"nothing."

"takkanla nothing. you don't smile. you don't even laugh anymore"

"i still laugh la! tell me something funny and i will laugh"

"but you don't laugh like you used to, you know, like this" and he actually imitated the way i laugh

i just stared at him, half amused, and not at all annoyed. he continued. "you look gloomy."

he used to look at me until i made a face or grin big and he would make a face and grin big back and turn away. now he stared at me. but he didn't do anything. he just waited for me to do something. but sometimes i just looked at him, and then looked away. at best, i scrunched my nose. at worst, i just pretended i didn't see him staring at me. because that's just how i am now. 

it has been a while since i laughed genuinely, that laughing now feels heavy. even trying to just let out a laugh is already too much. faking laughter is even more exhausting.

that's why he notices it. that's why people notice it. they show they care but nobody really gives a shit and that's okay. i don't expect them to. i have to take care of myself. i have to take care of my own heart. because nobody else does. nobody can do it always. and i can't even take care of everybody all the time. so that's okay.

after a while i gave in. "i'm just not happy, okay? that's all."

"what not to be happy about?? you have good friends here...." and he listed what i should be happy for. i just smiled, and said "i just want to get out of here." he was shocked .

"i will make you laugh." he said.

after our lil therapy ended, i checked my phone to find a whatsapp message from another classmate

"ama. i can see your eyes. i know what's behind it."

i didn't reply. nor did i ask "what?"

maybe some people do care. a few. but they can do so much as let me know they do. and that's okay. 

i'm still not going to tell them about the mess. i still won't ask them to make me feel okay. i know my place.

i just look at everyone else around me who seems oblivious, and wonder how can they be when i'm not me. i just look at everyone else who laughs and lives happily, and become more unhappy thinking why it isn't me. i think partly why i just let this be, and let myself be like this, because maybe i've made someone felt this way, unknowingly. maybe i need to let go of what i once had strong hold on, and try to hold what i didn't want to touch. maybe i'm feeling this so i won't make anyone feel like this. maybe to show that what made me happy makes me unhappy and what made me unhappy makes me happy. Allah nak ajar.

i know. but really, who thinks of this when they're happy? that's why i'm lost. because i lost it.

he told me, the next time i feel happy, to write down about it so i can look back when i'm feeling sad. i told him i know, it's always a good idea. "tapi, sekarang aku buat camni tau. i know everyday can't be a good day. but there's something good in everyday. kan? so i look for it each day, and it actually works."

"kan??? it makes you happy!"

"yes it makes me happy for a while."

"for a while?" his face changed again.

so, something good in bad days. this monday i was not feeling well. i got to skip class and stay on bed for the whole day. yeay! that guy classmate of mine and girl classmates texted me asking if i was okay. yeay! he said don't die. i said i'll try. 

on tuesday i teared up in class. last sem when that happened, it was because i felt stupid not getting what was being taught on the whiteboard. this time around it's for a different reason. but when i got out of class i saw my minor casual memain crush and we made a split second eye contact and i couldn't stop smiling after that. hahahha yeay! lol. if it lifted my mood, why not? suddenly my steps felt light again. i also got to skip afternoon class because i was still not fully recovered. yeay! that evening even though i couldn't play badminton with my housemates because of the strong wind, i got to feel the wind blowing over my every inch! yeay! puzzling how good company can become bad company, and bad company can become good company, but yeay! i guess everything does depend on us.

on wednesday i teared up in class again. good thing is when this happens nobody notices. yeay! that evening, even though my housemates and i still couldn't play badminton because of the wind and the indoor court was fully occupied, we had a good time just lying on the ground behind my block, listening to accidentally-played motivational songs, laughing at everything, like how my housemate was seemingly jogging into the sunset while The Climb was playing just like in a movie scene while the two of us was lazying around after failed attempts at work out steps which resulted in us groaning and laughing at ourselves. the sunset was beautiful and it was beautifully reflected on windows that it looked like painting on a framed canvas. we just had to take some pictures, and some more of panoramic view with me wearing tudung like purdah but i was moving so the picture ended up being one of a ninja or even a ghost. later that night i had tomyam which was cooked by my friend's housemate and i was invited over for dinner! yeay to everything!

when life is not so good, little things like these make life feel good enough. alhamdulillah :)

but the best part of all was listening to Breakaway, lying flat on my back, gazing at the sky, and remembering how this song used to motivate me so much when i was a kid, even now. how some lines told my life story then, and sad to realize, still does now. "wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here, so i prayed, i could breakaway". has this line ever not speak for me? i've had this connection to this line all my life, at each stage, in each place. but it was a good feeling. back then i imagined the music video to be of me looking out the window of an airplane, looking back on my life story, my school years, my graduation day, my successes, my mom, my hometown, my friends, all floating before my eyes, both good and bad moments. i guess when this imagination finally comes true, this moment, now, will be reminiscent about, too.

today. if i let it get to me something wouldn't make me okay, but i chose to not give a shit. or is it probably because i've let it get to me earlier this week? anyway, i accompanied a friend to dinner. it's our first time going out, just the two of us. she was sad about the same thing, but for a different reason. before we parted, she said she had a good time with me. after we parted, she texted me thanking me because she was down the whole day but going out with me for an hour made her day. that's..... the best yeay :')

nowadays it's hard to make people happy. because i'm unhappy. it used to be easy. it used to be if i made people happy when i was unhappy, i would become happy. so i always looked for a friend who needed my shoulder or ear or even laughter, who needed someone to care, and when i was that someone, it made me okay. but now... i make people unhappy. i'm sorry everybody.

like just now. that snape's apprentice classmate of mine texted me asking if i would be free tomorrow. i answered "depends on why you're asking." i think i offended him. maybe he wanted us to do something to make me feel okay. i felt like crying. i didn't mean to... i think if it was a different day, he would not take it personally. because we're used to talking like that. but now he knows, i'm not being me. and maybe, i wasn't joking as i always did too... maybe i meant it. but oh well, maybe it didn't matter. maybe he just needed someone to accompany him. i'm used to that, even more now. being found for a reason. i don't mind. i said sorry to him, "i'll be nicer next time." he replied "ok".

Update: we have a plan we always want to make happen buuut it never happens no matter how much we talk about it. apparently the time had come. he wanted to do it today. but i said i am not my best self right now so it will ruin it. he said instead, it will bring out my best self. aw. maybe next time mate.

If it was another day, i would have said yes straightaway. I was the one who was so eager and initiated the plan anyway. But i'm not me. I told my friend about this, and she asked "what did he mean? You're always your best self." Aww..... thanks :')

when i was in school, people told me i always looked happy. when in fact at different times i had different reasons to be unhappy, and i was. but maybe they saw me when i was not unhappy. maybe going to school, although not the best place to be, and feeling belong didn't make me unhappy. maybe. now looking back, i know i was happy in school. at least, happier.

i'm not always unhappy now, here. but i get unhappy when i see the reasons which makes me unhappy, which is always.

when i am unhappy, i get homesick. to keep from being unhappy, i keep myself busy. i let this pain pushes me to where i want to be. maybe this unhappiness will bring me to happiness after all. and after all, it's all my choice, isn't it?

now there are days on which i keep telling myself

"just be happy today. ya Allah, please don't make me sad. just. be. happy. and smile."

and i smile.

i've always believed that we're in charge of our own happiness.

we're human beings. masters of the mind.

now i also believe that we aren't always in control of our sadness.

we're human beings. slaves of the heart.

and sometimes, you can tell yourself to smile and it will make you feel okay.

the hormones will do the work once your face muscles are lifted.

some other times, it's okay not to be okay. it's okay not to want to smile.

the hormones will understand that its function is not needed.

for how long this will last, i honestly don't know.

all i know now is what keeps me going:

i want to get out of here.

i want to go home.

oh yes, this week i made it! i didn't go home! that's another yeay for me :)

To Leave and To Miss

let's parday and starday!

or, you know... the other way around....  whatever you prefer

well i know my right order heheh

despite my last two overly-attached daughter posts, i really want to detach myself. being detached is good, but feeling disconnected is not. well, i'm already feeling as disconnected as it gets, that's why i choose to get myself detached.

a line from Taylor Swift's White Horse always floats in my mind:
"This is a big world, that was a small town."

i've spent my life in my hometown for... my whole life. yeah. except for some months away. don't get me wrong, i don't mind living in the same old place. i'm not really the free-spirited bird who has to fly away from its flock exploring the sky. but i do mind being among the same old people. before college most people in my life were the ones i went to school with, from first grade to senior year in high school, who are all from my hometown and in some way or another are linked to each other and you just can't get away from them even after school ends because my small town makes it such a small world that you want to see someone but ends up meeting other people. that's one reason. what's weird, or not weird considering the circumstances, is that i also already mind being among my college peers. all in all, this feeling leads to one thing. 

i need to escape some people. i need to find new people. i need to meet someone new.

of course, if i leave, oh, God, please, when i leave, there are people whom i never want to leave behind, whom i want to leave, whom i never want to see again, whom i will want to see for the last time, and whom i will miss.

the people i will miss will make it harder to leave, but there is a quote, saying this:

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

however, i do not want to focus my purpose on wanting to leave, because that is a bad energy. no matter how true. no matter how many times i've said "f this shit i'm so gonna leave y'all, i'm so gonna leave you." i want to think of the good times i will have and the good memories i will make and the good experiences i will gain and the good people i will meet. oh yes i know life enough to know the stormy clouds don't let you out of sight for a sec, oh no they never. especially in a new place with new people. a new place so far away from bittersweet home, new people so unfamiliar unlike my beloved mom. but the good ones, hopefully, will outweigh the bad ones. hopefully, it will be better.

i just wish everything will be fine.

that my plans and His are aligned.

Allah, please, make my dreams mine.

Me and Mama's Weird Relationship The 2nd Episode

since this semester started i've been home every weekend. by hook or by crook. by ktm and by lrt. as long as it gets me home. every single weekend. and every single time i'm about to go back to college, such situations take place:

Situation 1

me: nanti mama rindu ayu tak. ma jangan rindu ayu tau.

ma: tak rindulah.

me: ayu lagi rela mama tak rindu ayu, nanti kesian mama

ma: buatpe nak rindu. nanti ayu yang rindu mama. takyah rindu-rinduan.

Situation 2

me: kenapa ma baik ngan ayu ni ma. mesti sebab ayu dah nak balik dah kan. mama baik ngan ayu bila ayu nak balik je.

ma: mama memang baik.

Situation 3

me: apa?! ma nak masak apa ayu suka?? aww! ayu dah jadi uda eh? ma dah sayang ayu macam ma sayang uda eh?!

ma: mengada

Situation 4

me: ma jangan baik sangat boleh tak nanti camne ayu nak balik nanti ayu homesick camne nanti ayu rindu mama

i'm in my homesick phase. just like after spm when i was homesick before i even went to college. and when i finally did, i was not homesick because i had prepared myself for it. except for the times when i had problems i didn't prepare myself for, that always called for a call to home. like now. so i'm also homesick because i'm not happy. when you're not happy, you're homesick. regardless of your definition of home or happiness.

tonight, before leaving home:

Situation 5

ma: yang nak belajar jauh punnn. balik shah alam pun camni.

ma: sampai bila nak camni?

me: dulu ayu tak camni pun kan..... sebab sekarang ayu tak happy ma.

ma: habis tu kalau tak happy kat sana camne?

Situation 6

me: ma, camne ayu nak fly camni?

ma: tah, ayu la

me: ma, sampai bila ayu nak camni?

ma: tah, ayu la

me: kalau ayu kawen tah2 ayu tak jadi camni lagi ma

ma: tah. nanti tambah masalah. salu gaduh. gaduh je call mama. pening mama.

me: ma ayu tak kawen pun lagi mana ada salu gaduh ma ni!

seriously. it comes to the point where i need a distraction to distract me from a distraction. haih. i always do that, you know. distractception. i use distractions to distract me from distractions which are distracting me. once the distracted distractions (the ones happen naturally) stop, the distracting distractions (the ones caused by me) stop too. maybe if i have something to look forward to, it will make me forget about what i want to run away from. if i just have something to take my attention away from what is affecting my focus. if only.

Situation 7

me: bai ma...
ma: sekejap je, lagi berapa hari nanti balik la kan.

:)

on the phone it's often:

me: love you

ma: ye

me: love you

ma: hmm

me: love you

ma: ok

me: maa cakap la love you balik!

ma: mengada haha

i can't help but think that somehow my mom is like hazirah. between me and them, i am more capable of expressing emotions in the bond between us, although usually i am just as indifferent to others. mama and hajer won't show affection unless you shower them with affection first. and make them get used to being affectionate. and annoy them so they comply for the sake of shutting me up. yeah.

and hazirah noticed this too!

mama being cute speaking and saying she loves me, aww. keluarga kami bukan keluarga cakap omputeh ok. cakap melayu je sudah. membesar dengan bahasa ibunda, sebab itulah bahasa masih jiwa bangsa.

ok switch back to engrish.

if you are to scroll through hazirah and my conversation, you will find parts like this, seriously. when i finally blog about you hajer i will show the world the proofs, just you wait.

my mom is my best friend is common. but my best friend is like my mom...? hahaha.

God works in a wondrous and mysterious way.

i'm not only homesick for me. i'm not even worried about myself. but i'm also homesick for her. i get paranoid about her. i feel like i don't want to leave mama alone. i don't want to go anywhere without her. let me take care of her, although she is the one who takes care of me now. this is not just an honest hope. this is a strong urge. a deep desire i can't even measure. i have felt this before. but i got over it. i hope i will get over it this time too.

when i tell this to mama, she always indirectly tells me to get a life. literally.

i don't think people understand my fears and desires and worries and wishes, having only one parent left.

i forgot where, but i once read about how someone was talking to their mom on the phone or via skype i can't remember, but i remember they said that they noticed one thing: mothers never hang up first.

so one night this week after talking to my mom on the phone, after my very last word after few last words, i hung up first. in that split second the memory of what i read stroked me. i called my mom again, just to say the same last words, and after my very last word, i waited. she didn't hang up. i told her to hang up. only then she did.

i smiled.

never gonna let my mom hear me hanging up on her again.

Me and Mama's Weird Relationship

Me and my mom on daily basis.

Situation 1

me: ma nak naik dah ke?

ma: haah

me: goodnite assalamualaikum love you muah muah eh jaaap

ma: apa

me: *pergi kat mama*

ma: *muka berkerut*

me: *peluk cium mama*

ma: *muka berkerut*

me: asal muka mama camtu?

ma: mama pelik

me: haha pelik apaaa

ma: macam mana nak pergi jauh macam ni

me: eee mama ni comel laa!

Situation 2

me: mama nak ayu fly ke tak?

ma: ikut suka ayu la

me: maaaa!

ma: ye la ayu yang nak belajar bukan mama

Situation 3

ma: *makan ikan lama yang takde sape nak makan dah*

me: ma makan??

ma: sayang

me: ma lagi sayang ikan ke ayu??

my relationship with my mom is unlike that of any other. we have a weird relationship. sometimes, if you listen to us talking, you might think we are fighting. but that's just how we talk. i tell this to mama a lot:


benci mama

geram la ngan mama

menyampah la mama ni

jangan camtu sangat boleh tak

jangan cakap pape boleh tak

ma diam laaa

ma tolonglah

maaa tepiii

*picit*

*tolak*

*tampar*

*baling bantal*

*gigit*

*ye, gigit*

and mama says this a lot to me:

ugh
apa

tepiii

benci

pegi ah

sakitlah

diammm

mengada

ish ayu ni

cam beruk
ayuuu laluuu
lecehla ayu ni

jangan kacau

jangan lahhhhh

like i said, weird relationship. mainly because i can't contain my love so i express it in such a way. when i love people i jadi geram tau tak and taktau nak buat apa dengan dorang  and taktau how to show the love so i get physical. that's why i get ganas and slap, pinch, bite them... you name it. i also geram kat mama because she's so comel in what she does and says and how she looks so i always menyendeng kat dia but then i can't handle her comelness so i push her away and she'll say "mama memang duduk sini ayu yang datang ayu la pegi!"

that's just some of the many weird examples.

but the most common situation between my mother and i

me: sayang mama. sayang sayang sayang sayang sayang sayang sayang

ma: *tengok tv*

me: sayangnya mama ni menyampahlah benci pegi ah

ma: *baca paper*

me: sayangnya mamaaaaaaaaaa

ma: .......

me: MA! AYU SAYANG MAMA LAH!

ma: ha ye la sayang la

me: sayang sangat faham tak?!

ma: sayang je la, semua orang pun sayang mak

me: tak. ayu sayang mama lebih. orang lain tak sayang mak dorang cam ayu sayang mama.

ma: dorang pun sayang sama je

me: TAK!

ma:

me:

ma: *resumes ignoring me*

in any relationship there is one person who shows his love more than the other.

in mama and my weird relationship, i'm that person.

i was not like this when i was much younger.

i guess, i'm making up for lost time.

and spending as much time as i can.

:)

The Year I Almost Gave Up - 2013

2013 was not a good year for me. it was worse than other years, for some reasons. but i still thank God because it was not my worst year yet. it only takes a reason for a year to be the worst, and i will always pray to God to not make it happen. 2013 ending without being the worst year was enough for me to be thankful for.

but that doesn't make the troubles in the three any less.

i write, you know. i'm always writing. even if i don't post it anywhere or share it with anyone. i'm always thinking, typing on my phone, writing on any paper i could get my hands on. 2013 witnessed how i write a lot but with nobody to witness what it's about. there are confidential tumbr texts, unpublished blog posts, saved phone notes, crumpled torn papers... because there is no other way to let it out.

i was lost throughout the year about one thing or another, but at one point i was lost about everything all at once. i was lost academically, socially, personally... you name it. it was not the fault of the year. maybe it was the time, or the place. i don't know.

these are some of the notes in my phone.

-"this is the place where i cry the most for the most reasons. i cry because of my friends, my studies, my family, i even cry for being alone, which i never did before. i cried easily, but i wasn't much of a cry baby. i wasn't really a grown up kid calling their mother because they are about to burst. when i cried, i cried alone. i don't remember ever being this emotionally vulnerable. i would cry because of family reasons the most when i was a kid. that's the only other time i cried this often to my mom. when i was 13 i cried the most because of peers issues. that's the only other time i cried to my mom over the phone. when i was 17 i cried the most because of a broken heart... i didn't cry to her at all lol. these are some examples of my different stages of being the most affected by different reasons. i guess everyone has their own phase and pace. their own theme of life at a certain age. but now, at freaking 19? i cry for all reasons at the same time, or one right after another. i cry for everything or nothing at all. at 19 i become the kid who cried to her mom once upon a time. she's actually surprised. my mom said isn't college supposed to be fun? isn't college life the time when people have the most fun? don't people at this age study what they like and have fun with their friends, having the time of their lives?

yes, i do, but i also don't, so, no, mother."

-"i think and feel all the time. i write about it most of the times. i blog about it sometimes.

i guess i've felt it all - being the average jane, the valedictorian, the failure. and even then my scale of each is different than that of another person. my average is not really average, and my failure is not really a failure. but enough to make me feel what one is supposed to feel. enough because that's what i feel on my own scale. Allah let me feel it all and see the different reactions and treatments people give me. the valedictorian gets a lot more than the average jane does and the failure gets the least. at least now, i kinda understand."

-"i can't tell this to anybody here because they either are better, or in a situation worse than i am."

it feels like drowning. no light, no air. you're breathless, hopeless. it sucks the life out of you, but you won't die. you just don't die. you keep on drowning. it is one of the worst things to feel. i was feeling this for months.

perhaps for now i should just talk about how i was lost academically, because it involved no other human being and so no heart will get hurt. i think it will help some people out there, as i've told this story to two people and they almost and actually cried. perhaps that is only because they are also the two people who get me the most, and they were also in a situation that they could relate to. another person actually told me to blog about it, so i didn't need to retype it again and again, so here, once and for all.

they happened to contact me after i posted this on fb:

what i learnt firsthand today:
1. never give up. you don't know if you just need to give it a little bit more.
2. keep moving. no matter how paralyzed you are. a step might result in a leap.
3. get the eff up. you've gotta fall to rock bottom once in a while too.
4. do it your way. everybody's got their own style and yours will take you there.
5. have hope always. even when depressed. you're not a loser until you lose faith. 

we know these things. but we don't understand it until we experience it ourselves :)

flashback to sem 2 result. even before i got the result i was already stressed out. i was stressed out as soon as i was done with maths papers. i knew how bad i did and how much i did not do. i was depressed throughout the sem break, knowing that luck couldn't save me this time. even worse when the result was out. i knew i had it coming but for it to be confirmed was just a whole new feeling. i almost got kicked out. i almost had to start over. can you imagine what would happen to us? scholars who did not pass the 12 cut off point. even when you're one short. even when you aced everything else but sucked at one subject.

but prayers were said and meetings were held and deals were made, we got another chance. it's crazy when your future depends on just one thing and that thing happens to be what you hate. i took a supplementary paper and my math improved one grade. it was so close that one careless mistake could have cost it. so close that it was a miracle indeed. i got a second chance. i still sucked at math, but at least i was safe. many were not. some had to make a new deal and stay with a price or choose to leave, some just had no choice but leave. stumbled halfway along the journey we started together to a dream we shared at the start.

but i didn't feel safe, i started to question the journey, doubting my dream. the first half of sem 3 i was just lost. i literally thought i made a mistake. by going to intec. everybody seemed so smart and then there's me. what made me feel shittier was my course. my lifelong dream course was my first choice but not theirs. some of them couldn't take what they wanted or didn't know what to take so they took social science instead. it's like their accidental decision, or a back up plan. because they couldn't see themselves taking pure science like they did in high school, or couldn't carry the subjects. but me? i dig pure science. i did well. i could have taken medic if i wanted to, i might not be able to carry it with the commitment and discipline and sacrifices i must make, but the point is i could have gone to medic school. yet, here i am, because it's my FIRST CHOICE. and yet, there i was, lost. and they were doing so much better than me when i at least had to be on the same level. is it possible to be stupider and slower? social science subjects are just not me. they are different than what i was used to. i did not know how to study. i could not accept the differences. i felt so helpless. i went out of class whenever i couldn't take it which was often, or just sat with tears in my eyes while everyone around me was busy digesting what i had troubles swallowing. i broke down at the stupidest things like when my friend said his girlfriend was smart and good at maths and i felt stupid and i just went out and cried alone stupidly. i spent days staring at the whiteboard and nights staring at the sky.

i questioned everything. did i make the right choice? is this what i'm supposed to do? should i have listened to my mom instead? should i leave when this was what i wanted? should i stay when this isn't working out? how was it easy to get 10 A's when it's hard to get even 1 A now? is this an obstacle or a sign?


do you know what it feels like when you've got what you wanted and worked for for 11 freaking years and suddenly you feel like quitting? it's stupid to quit. not when i was so close to getting it. so i didn't.

i have to share this because this is based on a true story. here is my wall of shame after years of walk of fame:

first sem i got 13. ABB. my only and always A was of course the only subject i like, psychology.
second sem i got 11. ABD. D for maths. i got another chance which changed it to C and gave me 12.
the day i checked my third sem result, i couldn't believe my eyes.....
i got 14! AAB. B for maths! and the first time i got A for economics! 

welcome to a-level. the advance level of education so deep that even 3 A's aren't easy to reach. the deepest level of hell. maybe because i hate maths and only tolerate economics. but in high school i also only tolerated everything and it wasn't a problem. so it's true that social science is harder than pure science, at least to me. maybe it's just me, or not. it has been known how it's common for seniors to get below 10 in internal exams but get more than 12 in the external exam. i hope that's the case for me too.


as for this case, alhamdulillah.... i know i got lucky, maybe the question papers weren't that hard and the format made it seem easy and the marking schemes were in our favour. it didn't make me comfortable to get 14, but it sure was a huge relief. it was nothing compared to the real a-level exam, but it motivates me to try and get 15. just because i got 14 now it doesn't mean i can even get 14 this sem, but it restored my faith in myself. it didn't prove my capability, but i proved the possibility. i don't let achievements get to me. other people's achievements don't bring me down, my achievements don't fly me high. but i know i need to work on not letting my failures get to me instead, like it did.


i knew i did better, but i never thought i would get 14. all i did was study for a couple of hours a few days earlier. all i did was study during the study week i wasted two sems before. the study week wasn't even spent the way it should be spent but at least a couple of hours a day were spent studying. i just gave it a lil bit more, and i got more. that tells me what i am capable of if i just study from the start this last sem and oh i hope i do. besides that, i adapted myself. i'm getting used to how to study social science subjects. and in high schools i didn't do past year papers because i didn't like studying using past year papers. apparently in a-level that is all that matters, so i stopped being stubborn and in sem 3 i started studying that way. but i believe i improved also because i studied the way i used to study. in sem 2 i studied with people because people be like you should study in groups if you don't it's your lost it's the best and whatever well guess what? not everyone studies the same way and not every mind works the same way!

it was my fault to change my study method. to hell with what people say! every individual is unique, you can't expect everyone to be made for the same goddamned tips. my advice is you're old enough to know what's best for you, so do what's best for you not what people tell you to, even if it's how you should study or eat or sleep or live. just because i study on my own it doesn't make me want to succeed alone. don't call me selfish just because i self-study. that's what i've been doing my whole life, since i didn't really focus in school and never went to tuition class and didn't have a tutor so i ended up figuring things out all by myself. i was a daily school student for 11 years and i wasn't used to studying in groups. i can study with people and help my friends if i actually know what i'm learning and teaching them about. and that is when i have studied it myself.

do it your way. you know what to do and how to do it, so now do it more to get more.


i almost gave up. but i didn't. and i got more than i could hope for.

so, yes. getting 14 was the inspiration behind that fb status of mine :)

2014 is the year.
this is it.


what i want is what keeps me going. what do i want now?

i want to go to somewhere new. i want to meet new people. people who don't have anything to do with my hometown or my college, because the world is awfully small. i want to explore the world and travel to places. i want to leave everything and everyone behind. i'll never want to leave mama but i've been wanting to leave since as far as i can remember. i want to go to a place where nobody knows me, but i will get to know them. i am free. i am not chained to anything or anyone anymore. it is strange to no longer be chained. but a good kind of strange. the kind which makes you free. free to find other reasons to be happy.

but of course, i will always be chained to home :)

if there's such a thing as alternate luck, i sure hope 2014 is a lucky year for me, just as how 2012 was.

2013 was not a good year for me. Sem 3 was not a good sem for me. But i sure hope sem 4 will be better. I so wish 2014 will be my best year.

I want to be happy.

Many have left and will leave Malaysia for US, Canada, Australia, leaving most of us the last to leave for UK. May all of us make it, amin.

Please pray for us, ok? :)