When Unhappiness Shows

this week weird things have been happening. yet appropriate.

i dreamt someone told me i looked unhappy. i was like, oh crap, does it show? yes, they said. and some other things i don't remember. but i'll never forget that i was told about how unhappy i looked, in a dream. in the dream i felt really bad, because people could see it. and the person talked as if i was guilty for it. as if i have this obligation to put on a happy face all the time like i always did. as if when i stop wearing the mask pulling up the corners of my mouth, the world will be ugly and everyone will be in misery and it's all my fault. when actually, the world doesn't give a shit.

on the same day a classmate came kneeling before me asking me if i was okay. i said i was. she said i didn't look okay. i said well it's just life, isn't it? but i was okay. then she hugged me. 

the next day, i was staring into space and the space happened to have a different classmate catching my empty stare. he got up and came to me, telling me to come with him. he pulled two chairs to the back of the class. he told me a couple of times that he would play some mind games with me. the time had come.

"so what's this psychological shit you wanna pull?"

"psychological shit eh?"

"ok tak shit, sorry. yelah cepatlah apa"

"i'm gonna get into your mind like the time snape got into harry's mind and harry had to fight to stop-"

"but harry got into snape's mind instead so it means i will get into yours and see your worst memory?"

"eh no no you can't-"

"come on bring it on the telepathy"

"okay. so, what's wrong?"

"what?"

"are you schizophrenic?"

"no"

"something's wrong. you're not anorexic, i can tell you that"

"siot" but i laughed along.

"are you having pms? are you on your period?"

"waddahel. no i'm not."

"mood swings?"

"taklah. it's not.. mood. it's just my state now."

"okay. close your eyes. imagine you're in a car going to KLIA. you're with your family. when you arrive your friends are already there for you. in your hand are your passport and plane ticket. you're going to the university of your choice. how do you feel?"

"sad."

"sad??" he was surprised.

trying to make my answer more scheme-friendly, i said "yelah, sad, but excited."

"so that's what you're feeling now. you're feeling sad."

"what?! it's not legit at all!"

"it is! who would be sad in that situation?"

"YOU would!"

"no, i would be happy"

"you will be sad even a bit. leaving everyone behind"

"but you're going to make your dream come true"

"you will still be sad. and it doesn't have anything to do with how i'm feeling! takde kaitan langsung"

so after a while bickering about the validity of his psychological test on me.....

"there must be something wrong. what is it?"

"nothing."

"takkanla nothing. you don't smile. you don't even laugh anymore"

"i still laugh la! tell me something funny and i will laugh"

"but you don't laugh like you used to, you know, like this" and he actually imitated the way i laugh

i just stared at him, half amused, and not at all annoyed. he continued. "you look gloomy."

he used to look at me until i made a face or grin big and he would make a face and grin big back and turn away. now he stared at me. but he didn't do anything. he just waited for me to do something. but sometimes i just looked at him, and then looked away. at best, i scrunched my nose. at worst, i just pretended i didn't see him staring at me. because that's just how i am now. 

it has been a while since i laughed genuinely, that laughing now feels heavy. even trying to just let out a laugh is already too much. faking laughter is even more exhausting.

that's why he notices it. that's why people notice it. they show they care but nobody really gives a shit and that's okay. i don't expect them to. i have to take care of myself. i have to take care of my own heart. because nobody else does. nobody can do it always. and i can't even take care of everybody all the time. so that's okay.

after a while i gave in. "i'm just not happy, okay? that's all."

"what not to be happy about?? you have good friends here...." and he listed what i should be happy for. i just smiled, and said "i just want to get out of here." he was shocked .

"i will make you laugh." he said.

after our lil therapy ended, i checked my phone to find a whatsapp message from another classmate

"ama. i can see your eyes. i know what's behind it."

i didn't reply. nor did i ask "what?"

maybe some people do care. a few. but they can do so much as let me know they do. and that's okay. 

i'm still not going to tell them about the mess. i still won't ask them to make me feel okay. i know my place.

i just look at everyone else around me who seems oblivious, and wonder how can they be when i'm not me. i just look at everyone else who laughs and lives happily, and become more unhappy thinking why it isn't me. i think partly why i just let this be, and let myself be like this, because maybe i've made someone felt this way, unknowingly. maybe i need to let go of what i once had strong hold on, and try to hold what i didn't want to touch. maybe i'm feeling this so i won't make anyone feel like this. maybe to show that what made me happy makes me unhappy and what made me unhappy makes me happy. Allah nak ajar.

i know. but really, who thinks of this when they're happy? that's why i'm lost. because i lost it.

he told me, the next time i feel happy, to write down about it so i can look back when i'm feeling sad. i told him i know, it's always a good idea. "tapi, sekarang aku buat camni tau. i know everyday can't be a good day. but there's something good in everyday. kan? so i look for it each day, and it actually works."

"kan??? it makes you happy!"

"yes it makes me happy for a while."

"for a while?" his face changed again.

so, something good in bad days. this monday i was not feeling well. i got to skip class and stay on bed for the whole day. yeay! that guy classmate of mine and girl classmates texted me asking if i was okay. yeay! he said don't die. i said i'll try. 

on tuesday i teared up in class. last sem when that happened, it was because i felt stupid not getting what was being taught on the whiteboard. this time around it's for a different reason. but when i got out of class i saw my minor casual memain crush and we made a split second eye contact and i couldn't stop smiling after that. hahahha yeay! lol. if it lifted my mood, why not? suddenly my steps felt light again. i also got to skip afternoon class because i was still not fully recovered. yeay! that evening even though i couldn't play badminton with my housemates because of the strong wind, i got to feel the wind blowing over my every inch! yeay! puzzling how good company can become bad company, and bad company can become good company, but yeay! i guess everything does depend on us.

on wednesday i teared up in class again. good thing is when this happens nobody notices. yeay! that evening, even though my housemates and i still couldn't play badminton because of the wind and the indoor court was fully occupied, we had a good time just lying on the ground behind my block, listening to accidentally-played motivational songs, laughing at everything, like how my housemate was seemingly jogging into the sunset while The Climb was playing just like in a movie scene while the two of us was lazying around after failed attempts at work out steps which resulted in us groaning and laughing at ourselves. the sunset was beautiful and it was beautifully reflected on windows that it looked like painting on a framed canvas. we just had to take some pictures, and some more of panoramic view with me wearing tudung like purdah but i was moving so the picture ended up being one of a ninja or even a ghost. later that night i had tomyam which was cooked by my friend's housemate and i was invited over for dinner! yeay to everything!

when life is not so good, little things like these make life feel good enough. alhamdulillah :)

but the best part of all was listening to Breakaway, lying flat on my back, gazing at the sky, and remembering how this song used to motivate me so much when i was a kid, even now. how some lines told my life story then, and sad to realize, still does now. "wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here, so i prayed, i could breakaway". has this line ever not speak for me? i've had this connection to this line all my life, at each stage, in each place. but it was a good feeling. back then i imagined the music video to be of me looking out the window of an airplane, looking back on my life story, my school years, my graduation day, my successes, my mom, my hometown, my friends, all floating before my eyes, both good and bad moments. i guess when this imagination finally comes true, this moment, now, will be reminiscent about, too.

today. if i let it get to me something wouldn't make me okay, but i chose to not give a shit. or is it probably because i've let it get to me earlier this week? anyway, i accompanied a friend to dinner. it's our first time going out, just the two of us. she was sad about the same thing, but for a different reason. before we parted, she said she had a good time with me. after we parted, she texted me thanking me because she was down the whole day but going out with me for an hour made her day. that's..... the best yeay :')

nowadays it's hard to make people happy. because i'm unhappy. it used to be easy. it used to be if i made people happy when i was unhappy, i would become happy. so i always looked for a friend who needed my shoulder or ear or even laughter, who needed someone to care, and when i was that someone, it made me okay. but now... i make people unhappy. i'm sorry everybody.

like just now. that snape's apprentice classmate of mine texted me asking if i would be free tomorrow. i answered "depends on why you're asking." i think i offended him. maybe he wanted us to do something to make me feel okay. i felt like crying. i didn't mean to... i think if it was a different day, he would not take it personally. because we're used to talking like that. but now he knows, i'm not being me. and maybe, i wasn't joking as i always did too... maybe i meant it. but oh well, maybe it didn't matter. maybe he just needed someone to accompany him. i'm used to that, even more now. being found for a reason. i don't mind. i said sorry to him, "i'll be nicer next time." he replied "ok".

Update: we have a plan we always want to make happen buuut it never happens no matter how much we talk about it. apparently the time had come. he wanted to do it today. but i said i am not my best self right now so it will ruin it. he said instead, it will bring out my best self. aw. maybe next time mate.

If it was another day, i would have said yes straightaway. I was the one who was so eager and initiated the plan anyway. But i'm not me. I told my friend about this, and she asked "what did he mean? You're always your best self." Aww..... thanks :')

when i was in school, people told me i always looked happy. when in fact at different times i had different reasons to be unhappy, and i was. but maybe they saw me when i was not unhappy. maybe going to school, although not the best place to be, and feeling belong didn't make me unhappy. maybe. now looking back, i know i was happy in school. at least, happier.

i'm not always unhappy now, here. but i get unhappy when i see the reasons which makes me unhappy, which is always.

when i am unhappy, i get homesick. to keep from being unhappy, i keep myself busy. i let this pain pushes me to where i want to be. maybe this unhappiness will bring me to happiness after all. and after all, it's all my choice, isn't it?

now there are days on which i keep telling myself

"just be happy today. ya Allah, please don't make me sad. just. be. happy. and smile."

and i smile.

i've always believed that we're in charge of our own happiness.

we're human beings. masters of the mind.

now i also believe that we aren't always in control of our sadness.

we're human beings. slaves of the heart.

and sometimes, you can tell yourself to smile and it will make you feel okay.

the hormones will do the work once your face muscles are lifted.

some other times, it's okay not to be okay. it's okay not to want to smile.

the hormones will understand that its function is not needed.

for how long this will last, i honestly don't know.

all i know now is what keeps me going:

i want to get out of here.

i want to go home.

oh yes, this week i made it! i didn't go home! that's another yeay for me :)