since this semester started i've been home every weekend. by hook or by crook. by ktm and by lrt. as long as it gets me home. every single weekend. and every single time i'm about to go back to college, such situations take place:
Situation 1
me: nanti mama rindu ayu tak. ma jangan rindu ayu tau.
ma: tak rindulah.
me: ayu lagi rela mama tak rindu ayu, nanti kesian mama
ma: buatpe nak rindu. nanti ayu yang rindu mama. takyah rindu-rinduan.
Situation 2
me: kenapa ma baik ngan ayu ni ma. mesti sebab ayu dah nak balik dah kan. mama baik ngan ayu bila ayu nak balik je.
ma: mama memang baik.
Situation 3
me: apa?! ma nak masak apa ayu suka?? aww! ayu dah jadi uda eh? ma dah sayang ayu macam ma sayang uda eh?!
ma: mengada
Situation 4
me: ma jangan baik sangat boleh tak nanti camne ayu nak balik nanti ayu homesick camne nanti ayu rindu mama
i'm in my homesick phase. just like after spm when i was homesick before i even went to college. and when i finally did, i was not homesick because i had prepared myself for it. except for the times when i had problems i didn't prepare myself for, that always called for a call to home. like now. so i'm also homesick because i'm not happy. when you're not happy, you're homesick. regardless of your definition of home or happiness.
tonight, before leaving home:
Situation 5
ma: yang nak belajar jauh punnn. balik shah alam pun camni.
ma: sampai bila nak camni?
me: dulu ayu tak camni pun kan..... sebab sekarang ayu tak happy ma.
ma: habis tu kalau tak happy kat sana camne?
Situation 6
me: ma, camne ayu nak fly camni?
ma: tah, ayu la
me: ma, sampai bila ayu nak camni?
ma: tah, ayu la
me: kalau ayu kawen tah2 ayu tak jadi camni lagi ma
ma: tah. nanti tambah masalah. salu gaduh. gaduh je call mama. pening mama.
me: ma ayu tak kawen pun lagi mana ada salu gaduh ma ni!
seriously. it comes to the point where i need a distraction to distract me from a distraction. haih. i always do that, you know. distractception. i use distractions to distract me from distractions which are distracting me. once the distracted distractions (the ones happen naturally) stop, the distracting distractions (the ones caused by me) stop too. maybe if i have something to look forward to, it will make me forget about what i want to run away from. if i just have something to take my attention away from what is affecting my focus. if only.
Situation 7
me: bai ma...
ma: sekejap je, lagi berapa hari nanti balik la kan.
:)
on the phone it's often:
me: love you
ma: ye
me: love you
ma: hmm
me: love you
ma: ok
me: maa cakap la love you balik!
ma: mengada haha
i can't help but think that somehow my mom is like hazirah. between me and them, i am more capable of expressing emotions in the bond between us, although usually i am just as indifferent to others. mama and hajer won't show affection unless you shower them with affection first. and make them get used to being affectionate. and annoy them so they comply for the sake of shutting me up. yeah.
and hazirah noticed this too!
mama being cute speaking and saying she loves me, aww. keluarga kami bukan keluarga cakap omputeh ok. cakap melayu je sudah. membesar dengan bahasa ibunda, sebab itulah bahasa masih jiwa bangsa.
ok switch back to engrish.
if you are to scroll through hazirah and my conversation, you will find parts like this, seriously. when i finally blog about you hajer i will show the world the proofs, just you wait.
my mom is my best friend is common. but my best friend is like my mom...? hahaha.
God works in a wondrous and mysterious way.
i'm not only homesick for me. i'm not even worried about myself. but i'm also homesick for her. i get paranoid about her. i feel like i don't want to leave mama alone. i don't want to go anywhere without her. let me take care of her, although she is the one who takes care of me now. this is not just an honest hope. this is a strong urge. a deep desire i can't even measure. i have felt this before. but i got over it. i hope i will get over it this time too.
when i tell this to mama, she always indirectly tells me to get a life. literally.
i don't think people understand my fears and desires and worries and wishes, having only one parent left.
i forgot where, but i once read about how someone was talking to their mom on the phone or via skype i can't remember, but i remember they said that they noticed one thing: mothers never hang up first.
so one night this week after talking to my mom on the phone, after my very last word after few last words, i hung up first. in that split second the memory of what i read stroked me. i called my mom again, just to say the same last words, and after my very last word, i waited. she didn't hang up. i told her to hang up. only then she did.
i smiled.
never gonna let my mom hear me hanging up on her again.
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