How I Love My Mother

It's raining and I'm crying.

today is mother's day, but my mom, the best mother in the world, isn't celebrated. no big deal? it has been a long time since Mother's Day is celebrated in our family. they just don't care. of course we love Mama so much, we don't need a special day. i myself, hug and kiss and tell her i love her every day, all day.

aku paling manja, bukan sebab aku mengada, tapi sebab aku taktau camne nak tunjuk aku hargai dia. so aku just baring sebelah dia, duduk sebelah dia, tengok tv sebelah dia, baca paper sebelah dia, and do all sorts of things i bet other 18-year-olds wouldn't do. aku kesah hape kau nak panggil aku anak manja? dulu aku kesah, aku malu, aku memang tak serapat ni dengan mak aku. padahal baru sekolah rendah. tapi makin besar, aku makin sedar. nak malu apa? dia sorang je mak aku. bapak aku dah takde. aku taktau sampai bila aku ada dia. so? ada rasa nak panggil aku manja? i'm sorry if my love for my only living parent is a joke to you. don't be someone who will not get it unless your dad dies too.

in my case, it's not the devastation. but losing my dad has effects on my feelings for my mom.

my being manja has reasons. reasons most of you couldn't even understand when you were little, when i already did, and some of you can't even understand now. pity.

so yes, i give uncountable undivided shits for Mother's Day. cos i care.

seperti biasa, Hari Ibu macam hari biasa je. lepas Babah dah takde, there's no more celebrating with gifts and flowers and eating at exclusive clubs and fancy diners. it's not that we never celebrated Mama, we had a heck of celebrations in the past. to see what little shit is given in the present, makes it sadder than ever. 

seperti biasa, aku tanya ma apa dia nak. taknak pape. tanya ma dia nak aku masak apa. taknak pape. tanya ma dia nak makan apa. taknak pape. aku paksa dia. taknak pape. mak aku bukan macam aku, mak aku memang jenis tak emosional bernostalgia bersentimental.

aku selalu tanya dia yang dia memang tak kesah ke dia buat-buat tak kesah sebab taknak aku make a big deal out of everything (tak sambut Birthday, tak sambut Mother's day, takde apa-apa istimewa, anak-anak kadang-kadang macam tak guna, aku akan tinggalkan dia kesunyian keseorangan dan macam-macam lagi perkara yang aku pulak berperasaan lebih).

dia jawab dia memang tak kesah. kalau betul Alhamdulillah. because i can't bear to imagine my mom feeling like i am feeling, because it puts me in misery not to be able to make her happy. mungkin Allah memang buat mak aku macam ni sebab kalau dia macam aku, dia takkan tahan hidup macam kitorang hidup sekarang ni. things have changed so much since the good old days.

aku jugak harap mak aku takkan rindu aku bila aku sambung belajar nanti. 18 tahun aku duduk dengan dia, jadi anak yang seboleh-bolehnya habiskan setiap saat dengan dia. mungkin agak susah untuk tak rindu. tapi aku memang rela dia tak fikirkan aku, lupakan aku, as long as dia sentiasa doakan aku. sebab aku tau rindu tu perit. sunyi tu sedih. aku taknak dia rasa macam tu. biar aku sorang je yang rasa semua tu.


aku rasa mak aku tak faham macam mana aku sayang dia sebab opah aku meninggal masa mak aku umur 5 tahun. dia pun pernah cakap yang dia kecik masa tu, manelah nak faham sangat kasih sayang ni. manelah nak sedih sangat bila mak tiba-tiba pergi. sebab tu dia tak emosi, dia macam laki, macam ayah dia, macam aki. aku faham. sebab aku pun macam tu jugak dengan bapak aku. tak faham apa rasa sayang dekat bapak sendiri. sekarang baru terasa, tapi takkan pernah sama.


haritu dia tengok rancangan ape tah kat tv, cakap pasal masakan ibu. tiba-tiba dia sedih. sebab dia tak dapat rasa air tangan opah. kalau rasa pun, dia belum reti hargai. selama ni aku hari-hari puji masakan dia yang sedap gila walaupun hanya buat maggi, dia tak pernah faham tu semua. dalam rancangan tu dorang cakap walaupun mak masak telur goreng, sedap tak terkata. mak aku tak faham macam mana telur boleh sedap, maggi boleh sedap. sebab dia tak faham masakan ibu.


kesian mak aku.


but it's easier that way ma, i thought to myself. you would never experience the grief of losing a mother, you would never experience the worry i have to endure.


 even without guidance from a mother, my mother has no problem being the best mom ever.

there are things i do for my mother. but i have a feeling that she's not taking it. to make sure she does, i'll say if she doesn't take it, aku tak dapat pahala, tak kesian ke kat aku yang banyak dosa? i know i'm not a good enough daughter, so to make up for my flaws and mistakes i have alternatives, if only she agrees. it doesn't need my effort, but it's something i can afford. i say everything i get is HARAM (dah macam UAI pulak aku) if she doesn't take it. just to make sure my dear mother gets what i give.

i feel bad not buying her anything, but she says i've already given enough, particularly this year for an experience we both shared together. i will never give you enough Ma. if it's my money you're worried about, isn't it only common sense how the more we give the more we get back? i don't mind not having anything as long as i have you.

so i called my bro, just to tell him to order us something to eat. something special, something Ma loves. i think he was joking, but i couldn't accept this absurdity anymore -

"Ustaz Azhar Idrus kata Mother's Day haram"

THAT'S IT. ENUFF OF IT.

with all due respect, sudah-sudahlah haramkan benda lain ustaz, ini pun nak haramkan jugak? kenapa suka sangat haramkan benda yang tak pasti? jatuhkan hukum tanpa perbincangan dengan ulama lain? jatuhkan hukum sesuka hati? sebab  orang sekarang teruja sangat nak tau hukum semua benda? sebab senang percaya semua yang haram semata? cari kesalahan orang lain dan kasi markah kat diri sendiri sebab tak buat benda yang 'haram'? ada yang ustaz cakap memang betul. ada perkara yang tak patut dibuat atau dah sah berdosa. tapi perlu jatuhkan hukum? bila ustaz masuk bab haram memang otak saya terus shut down.

since now people tend to 'haramize' things, because people tend to believe the 'haramization' even though it comes from one source without being further discussed and concluded from many qualified sources, i resort to my own way of understanding things. if it's clearly sinful to do one thing, then don't do it. if there's no dalil, hadith or fatwa, then it's up to you if you think your niat justifies it. just because someone says something is haram, and it sounds strict and islamic enough, doesn't mean it really is.

"Hari Ibu haram sebab hari ibu patutnya hari-hari, hari-hari ibu patut disayangi dan dihargai"

R U KIDDIN ME?! 

siapa pulak suruh hargai and sayang ibu hari ni je? takde peraturan macam tu pun. harini ialah hari untuk celebrate. kalau ada duit, sebagai tanda balas jasa belanjalah mak pape. "patutnya kita kasi duit kat mak setiap bulan!" ah spesis macam ni ada je nak jawab kan? orang sekarang ada yang bekerja, belajar jauh. time ni lah nak balik, nak call, nak hantar kad ke. bukan semua duduk dengan mak dia boleh berjasa kat mak hari-hari. bukan semua orang tak malu macam aku nak tunjuk kasih sayang hari-hari. jadi hari ni hari mereka mula biasakan diri. salah? SALAH?

pasal sejarah Hari Ibu. itu dulu. hari ni korang sambut mak korang. korang sambut dengan niat yang baik, cara yang baik. faham-faham sendiri. common sense. Islam ni mudah. jangan buat Islam jadi payah. ini tak boleh itu tak boleh. masalah.

dan sebab tu, aku menangis. aku tutup telefon terus. aku lari masuk bilik angkut laptop. eh laptop pegi mana2 pun mesti ada, dalam situasi apa pun.

aku pun dengan linangan air mata dan hingus cari apa aku boleh order online. mak aku tak suka fast food ni. aku google delivery food. oh rupanya banyak makanan boleh hantar sampai rumah! oh ada Room Service Delivery yang tolong hantarkan makanan dari kedai yang takde delivery! termasuk Kenny Rogers! mak aku suka kenny rogers! aku pun pilih lah ayam dengan side dish segala.

turun bawah nak ambik fon, sebab nanti dia call nak konfemkan order.

tetiba tengok mak aku tengah masak beef steak. wut.

kesian mak aku. 

ok tadi takdelah macam ni, tadi mak aku buat steak dengan sayur je, takde prawn cocktail or fries segala. aku tanya asal tak buat, dia kata tak sempat. tula, masak steak diam-diam lagi. bukan nak bagitau. padahal aku rasa aku dah tanya dah siang tadi taknak masak pape special ke? kalau tak aku boleh tolong buat benda lain. sian mak aku. tak dapat dah makan steak kat luar, makan kat rumah pun jadilah.

tapi lagi bagus, sebab steak mak aku terrrrrbaik!

my mom's beef steak is the best in the world. everything my mom cooks is the best in the world. my mom is the best in the world. i would choose her over my life and the world.

i'm not kidding. i have for countless times imagined the worst case scenarios and how i would do anything just to save her, because i can't bear living without her. because i'm selfish. i would rather die.

when other teenagers are saying these stuffs to their so called lovers, i say it to my mother. but of course, i don't say it to her, i say it for her.

i just, i want to give the best to you today ma, like you've given the best to me everyday. but it seems i can only be by your side like any other day. it upsets me so much how you are not celebrated like other mothers. i owe you the world and more. everyday i try, but i just love you so much more than i'm able to show.

aku sayang sangat mak aku. sangat sangat sangat aku menangis fikir betapa aku sayang dia. aku menangis setiap kali aku doa panjangkan umur dia. aku menangis setiap kali aku bersyukur dia masih ada. lagilah dalam sebulan before sambung belajar ni, setiap kali aku bayangkan hidup tanpa dia, harap dia selamat and sihat sementara aku takde, dia ada untuk sambut aku balik, setiap kali tu aku menangis.

kalau aku cakap aku lagi sayang mak aku daripada korang sayang mak korang, kang kata aku over pulak.

fikir macamnilah. dari dulu salah satu sebab aku tak tenang duduk MRSM, kenapa aku taknak masuk asrama balik, kenapa aku takut nak biar mak aku pergi mana-mana, kenapa aku risau nak tidur malam-malam, kenapa aku risau nak sambung belajar kat tempat lain tinggal mak aku, kenapa aku tak perlu keluar selalu, kenapa aku tak teringin nak menggatal ngan lelaki bajet kesunyian, kenapa aku rasa aku tak perlu kahwin selagi mak aku ada, kenapa aku rasa hidup aku cukup walaupun aku ada mak aku je, ialah sebab aku sayang mak aku. aku paranoid. sebab tu aku manja. aku nak hidup puas dengan mak aku. aku sayang mak aku sangat-sangat sampai tahap yang aku taktau normal ke tak. 

doa yang sentiasa aku lafaz dalam hati and ingat dalam kepala, lepas solat, lepas mengaji, sebelum tidur and bila-bila je, lebih daripada doa aku untuk diri sendiri ialah doa semoga Allah panjangkan umur Ma, jangan ambik dia selagi aku tak bersedia, biar dia dapat tengok aku berjaya, berkeluarga, jadi mak macam dia, biar dia ada dengan aku sampai bila-bila. dengan doa ni

Maksudnya: Ya Allah, ampunilah segala dosaku, dan (dosa) kedua ibubapaku, dan rahmatilah keduanya sepertimana mereka mendidikku pada waktu kecil.

amin. amin. amin.

i always ask her what can i do for her. i know praying for her is enough. but nothing will ever be enough. that's why i try to do everything for her in every way.

if that makes me the wrong one here to want to celebrate my own mother on Mother's Day?

then, proudly guilty.