To You, I'm Happy.

This is a letter which i think will never be read by the person i'm writing it for, but if that person happens to, by accident, stumble upon this blog post, because there's no way that person will ever go here by intention (not anymore), i want to make it clear that i am not writing this for you, but i'm writing this for myself.

it has to be done, and because i'm a writer. i have complete liberty over what i choose to write, and you have your own choice too on how to let me write about you. you made your choice, and now i've made mine.

i saw your name, and i thought wow whatever happened to you? had it not been for the unnecessary notification about who likes and shares what on the right hand side of one social networking site, i totally forgot about you. this coming raya night will mark the two years of me completely being done with you. i know nothing about you now. i don't know you anymore. and i do not give a single care in the world. maybe i had given enough, there's no more left. maybe i had cared too much, i can't bear to care anymore. i can bet my life on it that you don't give a damn about me too. and that's okay. no, it really is okay.

but say you happen to stumble upon this blog post, let me tell you through this so called letter whatever happened to me. because i want to. because i can. deal with it *puts on shades*

so hello. lots have happened/been happening in my life since you left it (through the door i held open for you (i might have pushed you out a bit (and slammed the door on your face (not that you care though)))). as usual life offers its ups and downs, but i survived! not that it's my first time, you would know. but i can praise the Lord that i have been blessed with the best of people. the old ones who stayed and the new ones who came. what's better than good friends during bad times, right? maybe it's too early to tell, but i know these are the friends i can count on. not that it matter, since after 9 years of knowing you only then i knew i could not. maybe it's just me. my fault. once i stop trusting somebody it's as if i stop knowing them, so here i am to blame.

i don't like to say this out loud but... there are actually people who love me, or so they say. as friends and... whatever. never mind if what they say differs from what they actually feel, but what they feel - whatever it is - is a thousand times truer than what you ever felt. knowing such people with such feelings for such a me exist, i can't help but think of you, and how you were wrong. how wrong you made me feel. how wrong were you feeling. a friend of mine always told me this, you know, he told me that i deserved someone better. that i was worth so much more. he was right, others will see me as i am and respect me and appreciate me and not think of me as just another choice like you did. maybe they are meant to compensate for the time when you made me feel worthless. because i know how it feels like, i would never purposely make them feel that way. because of you, i know how little it can mean by "i love you." not that i trusted you, as i already had trust issues before you and you only made it worse, but i trusted you because you were my friend. now it takes me by surprise, why all of a sudden all of these people... but they do. he was right. you were wrong.

that was one thing, here's another. to ditch your childhood friend for some friends you just met? to not have my back anymore just because you were afraid they would make fun of you? to let them trash talk me just because you didn't want to be said defending your 'ex'? we knew no one was each other's ex, so why would you be such a coward? because you were, now we're really exes. ex-friends. not cool bro, not cool. it might seem small but that was worse than anything you ever did to me. that hurt the worst. that hit the hardest. that stabbed the deepest. if someone stops being more than a friend, at least they are still your friend. but if someone stops being your friend? there's nothing left. as if choosing other girls wasn't bad enough, you chose those guys over me. maybe you didn't do exactly that, but that was what it felt like. that was why i pulled away. and you didn't even care. you are better off with them now i see. thanks to me.

sorry, for bringing this up. this should be a letter telling you how happy i am with my life right now.

so yeah. in case you're (not) wondering, i am happy. i have had my fair share of tears and troubles since you stopped causing any, but generally i am happy. i guess the blessings i'm granted with and the blessings in disguise behind the tears and troubles are something to be thankful for. truthfully, the blessings in disguise behind you are some lessons worth learning too. i'm not trying to be one of those exes (-friends) who goes all out to show "hey look at me i'm happy without ya!" and sings I Will Survive, but i'm genuinely happy. i really am. and i hope you are, too. i really do.

i think i've learned so much these two years. i stopped learning about you, but i started learning more about myself and other people. and what i know now, has changed me. i am not who i was two years ago, and although i can hardly tell based on the almost no connection between us now, i know you are not the same person too. at least i hope so.

i knew from the start that i would end up apologizing for writing this letter, so... i'm sorry. i also apologize for everything. and i thank you for everything too. you were a good friend. and a good crush. lol. before it all. in the end the bad and the good times were there as lessons and experiences. in the end it made me better. i chose to let it make me better, not (just) bitter (anymore). i hope, even just a little bit, it made you better too.

it's funny how i used to care too much and now i give no shit, not for one bit. it's not your fault, or mine. or maybe it was us both. it was just how it was supposed to be. what didn't work out, worked out perfectly.

if there comes a time in the future where we will be like how we used to be, and that is friends who talk to each other, i hope we're cool. whatever happened between us, we used to be friends. close friends. i don't want you to hate me. you have no reason to. i do, though. muahaha. but i don't hate you. of course the urge to punch you on the face or the indifference about your existence comes and goes when i see your name, like it did tonight, which led us to this letter, but i don't hate you. i ignore you because i don't care, not that we've become enemies or worse, strangers. i might sound harsh or mean but you know me... you did. i was harsh and mean even when i had that 'harmless, nothing serious, little crush'. so of course i would be harsh and mean when i feel like crushing your inside instead. but you knew me, and i don't hate you.

if we will never be the same again, that is okay too. i have no desire to rebuild the bridge, mend the broken pieces, make amends or whatever. if it happens, it happens. i am happy as i am and you are happy as you are, so don't ever think of doing it just for the sake of it. don't try to be nice, i don't want that. we now as we are, is okay. birthday wishes, raya apologies, the formal stuffs, the acquaintance routine, the seasonal texts, those are okay. without those, is okay.

so yeah. okay.

bye.

Kisah Cinta Tragis Abangku

pada pagi ahad yang hening lagi sejuk semacam, amatlah best untuk melepak bersantai bergolek berguling dengan mak sendiri. mother and daughter moment, girls talk gituu.

sembang punya sembang dalam satu topik tertentu ni, mama cakap..... "macam uda dengan kak syikin dulu."

maka timbul lah semula satu kisah tragis cinta uda dan dara. gi ambik tisu dulu blog ni takde sponsor tisu k.

dulu masa solat hajat pmr dekat asrama uda, ada sorang budak pompuan ni pandang-pandang aku. tetiba aku jadi watak sampingan kan, eh haruslah ada yours truly interframe sekali. abang-abang aku, eh tak, abang aku sorang je yang keempat tu memang suka gunakan aku sebagai taktik nak pikat awek. dulu jap jap akak ni nak cakap ngan aku, akak tu nak jumpa aku, waddehailll. konon nak tunjuk kasih sayang sebagai seorang abang. abang mithali habis lah tu jadikan aku umpan pancing, tuih. berbalik kepada cerita abang ketiga, ma kata mungkin sebab dia tengok aku comel kot, geram tembam je gemok gebu umur setahun dua camtu. aku memang comel.... dulu. dulu. tabahlah ama dan teruskan hidup. ok.

habis solat tu uda tanya "ma nampak tak tadi budak pompuan yang pandang-pandang belakang tu? tu la syikin" jeng jeng jenggggg. kata aku (yang dah besaq sembilan belaih tahun ni laa bukan yang keciq comei dulu) "mesti ma ni cool mom kan, selamber je uda cite pasal dia. ye laa siap dah tau nama, mesti la citee" hebat abang-abangku. tapi taktaula dorang cakap apa, mungkin kawan biasa jee. jawapan kelisyerr stended retisss gitu! yang kau ni pulak bunyi cam kiah propa dah kenapa, bulan puasa ni ama pls.

aku pun takde keje nak cite kat mak aku pasal benda camni, melainkan dah serius tahap memerlukan luahan, bantuan dan permintaan "ma tolong doakan." bagitau pun crush syok sendiri sesaje. kalau yang bajet serius sudahnya tak, buat malu je bagitau mak. tapi tak tercapaila tahap bagitau nama siap tunjuk orangnyaa. so way to go bro! pastu jangan nak cakap aku gatal sangat, macamlah aku taktau sejarah korang. ternyata akulah paling soleh berbanding kalian kah kah kah k tak ._.

tapi aku taktaulah apakah jenis hubungan yang terjalin di antara mereka. mungkin memang teman tapi mesra, mungkin rasa itu tidak nyata atau hanya ada setelah sekian lama, sehingga apabila sudah terlambat masa, barulah menyesal uda dan dara. entahlah. yang aku tau kisah tragisnya, bukan kisah cintanya. mana tisu mata berdarah baca ayat jiwang sangat.

syikin belajar di mesia dan uda di us sana. tidak tahulah apakah ada khabar yang dibalas antara mereka dua. tapi jelas lagi nyata syikin tetap menunggu uda. ok taktaulah jelas lagi nyata ke tak, sebab aku teringat beberapa tahun lepas mama pernah cite jugak bermula ayat "macam uda ngan syikin..." time tu aku gaduh dengan kawan laki mrsm aku. aku rapat ngan dia walaupun dah berbulan blah dari situ. aku rasa makin lama dia makin berubah, makin pelik, dan aku tak suka cara dia. bukan macam dia yang aku kenal dulu. dia masuk rugby, nak jadi cool, nak cari pompuan. tak setragis kisah uda tapi tragis gakla bila aku ingat balik kisah persahabatan terputus dak empat belas tahun dan ayat drama kitorang. ni kena bukak post baru kalau tak kisah cinta uda dan dara ke mana lak kang, tak habis-habis adik pompuannya interframe.

apa yang berlaku buat aku cakap sesuatu macam "kalau camni takyah kawan dahlah." drama kauuu. pastu dia cam "betul ke ni?" masa tu aku dilemma sengsorang jadi tercerita kat mama aku gaduh ngan kawan pastu cakap taknak kawan dah, dia pulak dengan patuh menurut perintah, eh hello aku pompuan kau laki susah sangat nak faham ke haa?! fight for me la sikit! omagod boys! *rolls eyes* masa tu la mama cakap syikin pernah gak kata takyah kawan dah, uda pun cam oh ok. sudahnya uda balik mesia baru tau syikin tak serius pun cakap camtu, syikin pulak ingat uda memang dah tak kisah. masalah *geleng kepala*

ok uda balik mesia.... dan syikin telah dipinang orang. WHAT?! UDA KENAPA LAMBAT? KENAPA TAK BUAT APA-APA? KENAPA??? HAH?! ma cakap sebab uda tunggu setahun baru keje ngan TNB, dia kan scholar TNB, maka kenalah tunggu kerja TNB. jadi dia tak kerja lagi. dia rasa mak bapak syikin takkanla nak terima dia. baidewei ni zaman sebelum kahwin muda itu mainstream dan nikah khitbah itu hotstuff dan mahar guna ayat quran jewp~

padahal abang kedua aku kawen muda, nikah khitbah, ok tapi mahar takdela guna ayat quran. lek je, hipster gila.

tisu sudah di tangan? teruskan.

hari nikah syikin, syikin call uda nangis-nangis, taknak pakai baju pengantin bagai. uda pulak yang kena pujuk dia. bayangkan. walaupun dah kahwin, dia tak bahagia. walaupun dah anak sorang, dia masih tak bahagia. bayangkannn. sampai.... uda pernah tanya mama kalau syikin cerai, boleh tak dia....?

mak aku, sebagai cool mom, masih cool, dan memberi jawapan yang cool. mama kata, kalau dia memang dah nak cerai, tak boleh buat apa dah dengan suami dia, takpelah. biar dia cerai dulu pastu baru. tapi janganlah dia cerai sebab kita. mama tak kisah, tapi keluarga kita ni ramai mulut puaka, apa dorang kata uda kahwin dengan janda? ok mulut puaka tu aku je tambah. 

masakan tak puaka, kalau tak takkanlah disuruh mama gugurkan aku. nanti keluar cacatlaa, nanti tak sempat lahirkanlaa. aku tak paham la manusia. mak aku dengan cool jawab "kalau nak mati, mati jugak. takyah tunggu mengandung." mungkin dulu dorang rasa mak aku dah ada semua, anak pompuan je takde. bila tau mak aku ada peluang nak dapat anak pompuan, meroyanla kan. sebelum tu bising tak bosan ke empat anak laki, apa ni takde pompuan, tak hebatla semua pendekar je. mak aku dalam cool dia tu mau tak sakit hati dengar apabila puaka berbicara. padahal doa dia Allah je tahu, tu semua kan kerja tuhan. dia jawab takpela, anak laki senang jaga, anak pompuan besar kang payah risaukan dia. pastu bila tau nak dapat aku, bising lagi aik kata dulu benci anak pompuannnn. sabarrr.

masakan tak puaka, kalau tak takkanlah dikata angah dengan kakak ipar aku sebelum kahwin dulu. akak orang jauh, jadi banyaknya balik sini bila cuti. "belum pape dah bawak pompuan balik rumah." bawah batang hidung mak bapak aku jugak! mak aku secool mom mana pun, belajar gak agama, pergi ceramah merata. generasi dulu nampak macam taktau, tak buat, tapi buat. generasi kita nampak macam tau, buat, tapi tak buat. jangan dirisau puakamu itu, nak tegur, tegur, nak kutuk, tak perlu. lagipun abang kedua ketiga aku ni nerd je, apalah sangat nak dibuat hahaha. yang peliknya keluarga yang memang alim, elok je terima akak. ni yang konon alim ni mulut tak beragak. itu belum nikah. apatah lagi bila nikah dekat negara orang, haa ada bahan untuk diperam dengan daging saudara sendiri!

sekarang tengok aku membesar sempurna je kejadian, angah ngan akak pun bahagia je perkahwinan, nak dengki busuk hati lagi? tak payahlah. korang pun ada rezeki korang kan. jaga rezeki sendiri sudah.

masa angah nak kawen muda, mama tak kisah, mama risau je orang mengata. babah kata takpe, biar je cakap orang. jangan lama-lama, nanti dosa kang kita kalau jadi pape. maka pergilah kami anak beranak ke sana. bila dorang cuti balik sini, baru buat kenduri. and the award of cool mom and cool dad goes to my mom and dad :"")

sekian selingan mana datangnya genetik cool ini hihihi.

carilah yang lain, nasihat ibu. uda pun mencari. bukan terjumpa. ni kes memang mencari untuk dijadikan isteri. bila dah jumpa si dia pun berkata dia tak nak main-main, dia nak serius. jadi kalau nak main-main bolehlah cari orang lain. dua-dua memang diset upkan untuk berjumpa kerana keinginan yang sama; perkahwinan. maka mereka pun setuju untuk berkahwin.

di hari tersebut, syikin datang....... ok masa ni aku dan mak aku perlukan tisu sebab mata berair bila mak aku cerita yang syikin nangis dekat wedding udaaaa T____T sampai kakak ipar pertama aku yang jumpa dia pun nangis sekali. mak aku nampak mata dia merah je. ya Allah cubalah bayangkan korang kat tempat dia. aku memang dah bayangkan. serious boleh jadi setting lagu Someone Like You T_____________T

I heard that you're settled down 

That you found a girl and you're married now

masa aku dengar cite ni aku rasa macam nak jumpa kak syikin pastu nak peluk dia. apa tah jadi dekat dia sekarang. maybe the fact that uda got married put an end to her hopes finally. how long was it? if it was since they started to know each other, i would say more than 10 years. and since she got married? more or less 5 years. may it be the closure she needed. as something with no closure always leaves paths for us to wander. i truly hope kak syikin and uda both are happy with their meant-to-be, insyaallah.

that's the thing about jodoh, you never know. it can happen in many ways, maybe

1. like my parents. babah nak mama taknak sebab mama nak kerja dulu, takpe babah tunggu dua tahun babah doa, usaha, cuba ambil hati, siap nazar bagai tak lupa tulis surat pada arwah aki lalu aki pun pujuk mama jadi mama pun nak la akhirnya.

2. like my first bro. jumpa kat us, tau akak tak berkenan tentang sesuatu lalu tipu, tapi kantoi dan ditolak lalu kecewa, bawa diri ke toilet dan tumbuk cermin sungguh drama melayu malah lebih kurang cerita Soal Hati, tapi akak sebenarnya mahu juga tu.

3. like my second bro. jumpa kat mrsm, bersama buat persediaan kat intec, berpisah belajar kat uk dan us, nikah setelah 5 tahun berteman tapi mesra, yang ni kenapa senang sangat ni haaaaaa untunglahhh.

4. like my third bro. jumpa kat sekolah sains, berteman tapi mesra punyalah lama, namun tidak ke jinjang pelamin bersama, berkahwin pada mulanya bukan kerana cinta yang dituai dengan masa ok stahp

5. like my fourth bro. jumpa kat merata-rata hahaha, jadi playboy bertahun-tahun sehinggalah satu hari jumpa sorang makwe dan terasa nak kahwin, mengejutkan satu dunia tetiba je kau biar benar namun begitulah kisahnya.

6. like one story. bertemu di muka buku dan selepas add diapp si lelaki komen cutenya gambar si perempuan tak lama kemudian berjumpa dan rasa marilah kita berumah tangga. ataupun boleh juga dijodohkan keluarga lalu dilamar melalui hadiah kamera sudikah awak jadi isteri saya sampai syurga? eh dah kenapa macam cerita ikon kawen muda Irene Nadia dan Dena Bahrin pula.

7. like a cerita melayu story. sorang makcik yang mempunyai anak lelaki menunjukkan tanda-tanda minat dekat anak perempuan satu keluarga yang dah lama dikenali, tak habis-habis tanya perihal dia dan mak si perempuan pula walaupun main-main je tapi gelak-gelak juga bila mengutarakan idea sama sedangkan si perempuan dan lelaki tak pernah berkawan, dah bertahun tak jumpa, rupa pun dah lupa camne dan bila mak lelaki nak hantar makanan sesaje masak lebih disuruh si lelaki yang menghantar ke rumah perempuan dan diminta pula si perempuan yang mengambilnya........

you'll never know. orang cakap jangan cakap pasal sesuatu yang tak pasti jadi or you'll jinx it nanti.

i hope i can jinx some things.

Memula L Lepastu P, Apa Dia Jika Anda Bijak Bestari?

akhirnya........

aku............................

dah.......................................

DAPAT LESEN WEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

hekeleh budak ni, orang lain dah setahun dua dah dapat lesen, hekeleh hokaloh. eh suka hati aku laa nak gembira pun! ujian komputer ngan test jpj dua-dua lulus sekali buat je! takyah ulang-ulang! alhamdulillah!

a year late wouldn't hurt right? hehe

masa aku baru masuk 17 tahun, berkobar gila nak ambik lesen. birthday aku kan agak awal  berbanding kengkawan lain. bapak best kalau aku dapat lesen dulu weeee. tapi aku kenal sangat diri sendiri. takde maknanya aku nak ikut kelas memandu sume masa aku ada kelas sekolah. cuti hujung minggu dan cuti seminggu dua harrommm diganggu. so aku ingat nak ambik pas SPM je la.

tapi pas SPM aku sedar aku taknak ambik awal-awal. kenapa? sebab semua orang nak ambik awal-awal. kalau aku pergi kelas memandu, sama je macam aku pergi kelas sekolah. mesti penuh ngan muka-muka yang aku kenal. muka-muka yang ada aku tak nak jumpa lagi. cukupla. i had had enough of school and some people already. lama-lama dah tak heran dah pasal driving ni. makin malas adela.

boleh tak aku taknak ada driving license?

aku nak ada driver je. mengada.

tetiba dah masuk belajar balik. tapi nak tak nak, kena buat lesen la jugak kan. lagi lambat lagi malas. makin lama makin busy. semangat aku nak buat lesen datang setiap kali aku nak kuar berjimba tapi takde driver. sobs. and dari kecik memang aku suka dok atas kete ke bas ke lelama sebab aku suka berangan, berfikir atau kedua-duanya sekali. aku bayangkan besar nanti aku boleh drive sendiri so bila aku nak cari ketenangan bolehla aku membawa diri. takyah gi memana, dok atas jalan je. aku kan spesis rebel nak escape la nak breakaway laa. 

so bulan 12 tahun lepas, seminggu sebelum masuk sem 2, aku ambik ujian komputer. nampak tak betapa malasnya aku kat situ? dan sekarang, seminggu sebelum masuk sem 3 baru aku ambik test jpj. nasib baiklah dua-dua test last minit ni terus lulus, takyah ulang. kalau tak tah bila la pulak aku nak dapat P nanti.

memula aku nak cikgu perempuan. sebab tu jugak aku lambat daftar, sebab memilih benar. takdela, aku tau aku camne. mesti janggal je. padahal aku ada 4 abang yang semuanya lelaki dewasa, tapi awkward ama is still awkward. tah pape je. lagi satu aku tau aku akan jadi bimbo masa belajar drive nanti. tergelak-gelak sebab cuak. mesti ada terpekik sikit. terayu sikit, eh. tak best la berbimbo depan laki en. kalau kengkawan takpe, mungkin aku berbimbo tu dah biasa bagi mereka. kalau laki tua pangkat pakcik pun takpe, ni yang agak muda kena panggil abang yang susah sikit. abang-abang aku pun aku tak panggil abang. ew. haha. aku panggil orang abang masa aku dok setahun kat mrsm je, ngan sepupu-sepupu aku. sebab tu jugakla aku malas nak kawan ngan laki tua sikit walaupun setahun dua, kalau aku tak berabang tapi berkau aku nanti dorang ingat aku kurang ajar pulak kannn. lainla kalau kita ada persetujuan macam aku ngan sorang ni. dari mespes bawak ke fesbuk, dah 5 tahun kawan. ha tu ok. eh banyak cite lak kau hahah. 

akhirnya kami jumpa satu syarikat memandu kepunyaan seorang makcik, yeay! kawan aku belajar ngan makcik ni. tapi tetiba hari daftar... anak laki dia yang ajarkan. wat. pasrah jelah. tapi aku malas nak berhubung dengan dia, mak aku je jadi medium. dia takde number aku, aku takde number dia. mak aku pun faham aku ni pelik semacam sikit. sebab kami sesama pelik hew hew like mother like daughter laaa.

nasib baik abang tu baik. bila aku dapat P aku macam nak tunjuk penghargaan dekat dia. aku nak cakap "terima kasih sangat bang omg abang tau tak saya noob gila bab driving ni first time saya pegang stereng tahu mana gear mana hand break mana segala jadah benda apa nak buat semua abang yang ajar tau omg memang start from zero tapi sekarang saya dah boleh drive dah dapat P dengan sekali ujian je you're the best lah terima kasih banyak banyak!!!" tapi kali terakhir aku kuar dari kereta dia masa dia hantar aku, aku cakap terima kasih je. cam biasa. lol. segan la ai nak suarakan penghargaan.

tapi serious. terharu la pulak. teringat first class aku bawak kete. "betul ke bang? saya langsung tak pernah drive ni" berapa banyak kali termati enjin. masalah utama aku masa baru belajar drive ialah kaki aku. in fact, masalah aku setiap kali aku bawak kete yang aku tak biasa. kaki aku tak reti bajet. aku rasa aku lepaskan clutch sikit je, tapi rupanya banyak. pup mati. itu paling perlahan dan paling lembut aku boleh buat. bila aku try control kaki, tak gerak-gerak pulak kete. rupanya sebab aku tak lepaskan langsung haha. frust gila masa tu ngan kaki sendiri. kaki kenapa kau tak mengerti?! 

dahlah kaki masalah, tangan pun masalah. tak larat nak angkat hand break masa atas bukit.... nangis. kalau guna kereta yang hand break ketat and kena tarik banyak kali, mesti kena guna tenaga sampai dua tangan tsk. nak turunkan pun satu hal. bila tenaga dah tertumpu kat tangan nak turunkan hand break, kaki kiri aku pun tergerak sekali maka tereffectlah clutch pastu meluncur ke belakang... tapi abang tu ajar, luruskan tangan dari bahu masa nak turunkan hand break. pastikan tumit kiri dah pasak kekuat so dia tak gerak, kalau perlu pegang lutut bagi statik. tarik nafas and tahan, barula turunkan hand break. tak berundur! kereta meluncur ke depan, aku pun melepaskan nafas lega perlahan-lahan :D

aku ni tukar gear pun semacam sikit. dia salu kata aku tak tukar smoothly. siap pernah cakap "janganla ganas sangat, awak tu perempuan"..... k. kalau abang nak tau, kaki dan tangan saya memang sukar dikawal! mereka ada otak sendiri! serius! tu la timbul tabiat tak beragak bila tampar orang tutup pintu semua. rasa cam lembut je sekali bunyi kuat gila. merah muka orang yang ditampar. nak tertanggal pintu segala.

rupanya masalah kaki tak reti bajet aku ni merupakan masalah genetik. bapak aku mengalami masalah sama. sebab tu bapak aku tak drive. aku pelik jugak kenapa ngan bapak aku ni. askar dah keluar masuk hutan buat macam-macam, businessman dah keliling dunia, tapi satu benda dia tak buat ialah drive. pegi memana pun Cik Din drivekan. tapi babah tak pernah duduk belakang. tu tanda hormat dia pada Cik Din :') sekarang baruku memahami babah. sobs. masalahnya Cik Din dah tak jadi driver lagi. terpaksala aku berdikari.

"ma kalau ayu taknak drive boleh tak? laki ayu drivekan. so kenala ade laki. hihihi" sempaaaaaat.

tak cukup ngan genetik kaki babah, aku jugak mewarisi genetik takut mama. hahaha. masa dia muda je dia drive jauh-jauh. sekarang tak lagi, takut katanya. sebab tu la orang kena paham kalau nak harapkan mak aku drive, radius kawasan yang aku boleh sampai kecik je sebenarnya. banyak sangat kete ngan traffic light dia cakap, lolol. yelah dulu bukan semua orang ade kete. sekarang dak pas SPM pun nak ada kete en? sebelum test jpj aku suruh mama teman aku drive kat sekitar taman ni je, tu pun dia takut. lebih kepada tak mempercayai kebolehanku sebenarnya hm. aku boleh je drive toyota mak aku yang lebar tu. pernah je. takde la langgar memana... oh mungkin sebab masa tu aku drive kat empty parking lot. lol.

patutlah aku camni rupanya, bisikku dalam hati. haha. plot twist: abang keempat aku takde lesen pun! dia dah drive sejak dia form 1, curi bawak kete mak aku malam-malam. mama kata nanti pagi esoknya tengok kete lain macam sikit posisi. tak lain tak bukan anak jantan dia ah ni. tapi abang aku, macam aku, pemalas. so genetik pemalas aku dari dia pulak. omg what is this family hahaha. dia malas nak gi kelas bagai. so dia takde lesen. dia pun tak suka drive. selama ni dia drive sebab perlu je, maksudnya kalau setakat nak gi lepak memana tu kengkawan dia datang ambik. plot twist kedua: abang ketiga aku tak ambik driving test tapi ada lesen! waaaaat. lepas SPM dia terus fly, takyah tunggu result, so tak sempat ambik test jpj. dia belajar drive sikit ngan mak aku. kat US dia ingat dia kena test, sekali terus dapat driving permit. balik mesia tukar jela jadi lesen. best gilaaa. abang kedua aku pulak first time fail, second time baru lulus. abang pertama lulus first time on his 16th birthday, tu zaman lesen kete boleh ambik umur 16. lihatlah betapa zaman dia dah lama berlalu. ok tetiba cite pasal family aku pulak dah kenapa kan, ish.

sambung cerita pasal aku. eh mestila nama pun blog aku daaaaa~

satu hari tu seperti biasa aku tunggu abang tu sampai. dia sampai aku pun terus pusing pegi belah passenger's seat, tapi dia dok situ sambil sengih. ternganga. terkejut. sebab aku cuak, aku pun gelak. "hahaha betul ke ni bang hahaha" sambil masuk belah driver's seat. "hahaha tapi saya tak pernah drive kat jalan serius ke ni hahaha" sambil duduk. serius saspen. aku tau aku kena jugak drive kat jalan nanti, tapi takdela aku sangka first time aku drive dari lembah keramat ke cheras! walawehhh. but i'm still alive and i'm still in one piece, phewh haha. dah lama sikit mula terasa wah cool siaa aku drive, bestnya wah wah, nak-nak kat highway. boleh laju kan. takyah fikir memacam. aku pun tak caye aku selamat sampai dengan jayanya. family aku ape tah lagi. "tererla ayu" oh time kasih. memang terer pun, cuma tak tunjuk je ketereran tersebut. dan dan.

3 Julai 2013, tibalah hari ujian memandu jpj. cantik gak tarikh aku pilih. ni baru test jpj, if you know what i mean *wink hahaha

malam sebelum tu sebelum tido aku bayangkan apa aku kena buat. bayangkan jalan yang kena drive, lorong mana, tunggu berapa saat before gerak kat traffic light, dahlah ada banyak traffic light pulak tu pfft, belok mana, bila nak signal nak tukar gear bagai. aku dahlah tak berapa hafal berapa kali kena pusing stereng masa parking sume. ikut suka hati instinct aku je. kalau lupa, kuar kepala tengok tayar. silap takpe, time prektis abang tu betulkan keh keh. mesti dia tensi ngan aku asyik silap pusing je padahal dia siap message skema jawapan step parking, step three point turn. malam sebelum tu baru aku hafal typical ama tolongla pls. tapi skema dia pun ada tak lengkap. so aku google... tapi step kat internet ngan step dia ajar lain!!! OMG. ok lek, sebab abang tu cakap "abang ajar memang untuk lulus terus" so inilah ramuan rahsia yang orang lain tak tahu hehe. kot-kotla aku lupa skema, aku prektis guna jari bentukkan pergerakan kereta kalau aku pusing tayar hala ni, dia pegi mana, berapa kali, dia senget mana. ama's logic lol. 

bangun pagi tu rasa nak ambik spm pun tak takut camni. tak sanggup kena ulang kalau fail. ulang kelas,  ulang proses cuak, ulang test, ulang bayar. tolong aaa aku dah rasa cukup kekecewaan minggu ni. aku taknak rasa benda sama lagi. biarla aku hepi jap. i didn't want to have to deliver two bad news, don't be that loser in a row, don't be a double failure, just don't. so i told myself. cuak nak mams i tell ya.

aku sesi 1, number 51. pak cik yang jaga turn ujian litar menakutkan. main tengking je kalau orang tersilap jalan ke tak dengar arahan ke apa heh. tolonglah jangan downkan semangat orang yang memang tengah tak cukup semangat ni. tapi bila turn aku masuk kete, baik pulak dia. aku pun jawab jela dia tanya pape pastu senyum, dia kata jangan takut sume aku gelak je. lek la sikit at least ye dak.

tunggu turn sampai dah hilang nervous. memang tak nervous sangat dah. tapi kereta aku nauzubillah. nazak dah. sebelum pape aku test dulu hand break... great. tak dapat rasa pun berapa kali dia naik bila angkat. takde click, click click, terus krekkk. nanti aku angkat jela sedaya mampu harap cukupla nak stay atas bukit tu. pastu bila start enjin, mati. start mati. start mati. TAK LAWAK DOH APAHAL NGAN KERETA NI. even sampai turn aku nak naik pun still mati lagi. bila dah sampai atas tu, pegawai jpj kata ok and boleh turun. aku pun kira - straight, pasak, tarik nafas, hand break, and kete meluncur ke depan.... lega gilaaa!

tip: ucaplah terima kasih kepada setiap pegawai jpj atau pak cik mak cik yang membantu. yes some of them could use some work etiquette or common manners.... tapi dorang muka ketat sebab penat. setiap minggu kena uruskan umat manusia yang sama ramai. thank you is the least thing we could say. a lil appreciation goes a long way :)

bila dah drive cam biasa from bukit tu baru lek sikit takde terbenti lagi enjin. i said to myself - you could actually see my mouth moving and it's not something usual as usually i would rather think to myself - "you can do this ama, you can do this. don't screw up ok." masa aku tunggu turn bukit aku, aku tengok orang lain test parking jugak. ada sorang bro jpj ni. dia nampak rilek dan tak nampak macam perhati sangat apa orang buat. aku terus aim dia. aku dah lama perhati kau, kau tunggu jap hahaha. alhamdulillah, aku rasa parking and three pointer aku perfect. perghhh. kete lurus, dalam kotak, tak langgar line, takyah adjust tayar masa bergerak, ikut je step, just nice lah. terima kasih skema jawapan abang tu heheh.

maka luluslah ujian litar aku! weeeeeeeee! :D

masa untuk drive on the road. aku dah alert dah so bila kena panggil aku terus pergi, takdela makcik tu nak mengamuk kat aku. aku kesian akan mangsa-mangsanya. sampai turn aku tunggu untuk masuk kete. ada satu kete tu dah park lama gak kat situ, tapi pegawai jpjnya takde. bila kete lain sampai, aku target kete tu la. tengok je, tunggu budak yang test tu kuar. rupanya pegawai jpj yang tinggalkan kete tu tadi dah sampai and panggil aku tapi aku tak perasan. "yang awak termenung tu kenapa?" dia tanya. "takdela hihi" lol. tengok dia pun boleh tau dia lek. muka tak ketat, cara cakap pun ada humour sikit. phewhhh. aku takut je dapat pegawai yang muka kerek pakai shades segala senyum sikit pun takde. ada sorang pegawai pompuan camni, terus aku harap dapat laki. sebab lain ialah aku rasa... aku boleh cuba buat muka comel dan berunding dengan dia kalau aku di ambang kegagalan. hahaha. ep don't judge, kita kena ada strategi okk.

masuk aku kasi salam sume. serta merta tau it's not going to be that bad, pegawai wise. i've heard stories of pegawai, which aren't that pretty. tapi dia suka saiko orang. heh.

dia: ni apa bawak slow-slow ni

aku: slow eh (padahal abang tu ajar bawak slow dekat kawasan sempit dengan masa nak belok taww)

dia: laju sikit, ha laju lagi takyah takut-takut

aku: er ok... terima kasih (?)

dia: bawak kete pun nak ayu-ayu lagi

aku: ........

dia: takyah ayu-ayu, ganas sikit! laju!

aku: mana ada ayu

dia: ya bawak pun alahai lembutnya ayunya

aku: dah terbiasa (LOL YOU WANT ME SASSY? HERE COMES SASSY)

dia: duduk sebelah boyfriend tak nervous, duduk sebelah abang nervous pulak 

aku: (i'm not sure if i called him abang first or....) er mana ada boyfriend 

dia: betul ke takde ni (he's in his 30s btw...)

aku: betul takdeee

dia: boleh percaya ke ni

aku: haha mestila bolehh

dia: bawak punnn (perli tone noted)

aku: emm ok ke tak? gagal ke lulus? (sambil buat u-turn haha)

dia: awak rasa?

aku: lulus kott, lulus laaa

dia: gagal ni. gagal teruk gagal semua ni

aku: aaaa ye ke bang (you've gotta have a better skill at trolling with me bro)

dia: ye laaa

aku: hm ok

dia: saiko sikit dah cuak

aku: eh manade cuak. saya belajar psychology (kaitan? hahaha)

dia: tapi awak tak saiko abang pun, abang yang saiko awak

aku: saya tak salah guna saiko orang ni sumee

dan beberapa lagi episode saiko bersama beliau. episode saiko terakhir berlaku apabila telah sampai. dia tengah kasi markah pastu dia tinggalkan beberapa tempat kosong. dia tanya lulus ke gagal ni? bang kau jangan sampai aku gunakan strategi aku bang. terpaksalah aku memujuk rayu. eww hahah. tolongla bang, luluslaaa. "apa bukti awak lulus?" er... saya tak langgar pape. selamat je. pleasee. alaa bolehla bang. nanti saya takde masa nak ulang. "awak takde masa bukan masalah saya" -..- luluskan je bang, cepat bang nanti dorang tunggu lama tu. "ah biarlah saya yang uji dorang bukan dorang uji saya." nampak tak betapa lama sesi memujuk rayu tersebut? beberapa minit kemudian.... "hm lulus?" alhamdulillah terima kasih bang! "jangan terima kasih lagi tak tulis lagi ni" you don't play play with me -..- then lulus jugak atas kertas akhirnyaaa! aku rasa memang brader tu tolong aku jugak. i expected my pegawai to be the silent, suka hati kau la nak drive camne pun, strict type. but he's the opposite of that. selain tolong directly, beliau jugak tolong indirectly by loosening me up dengan sembang-sembang. aku boleh gelak-gelak lagi. memang tuah memang rezeki :)

aku cakap banyak kali terima kasih pastu blah dengan perasaan gembira, langkah ringan seringan bebanku yang tidak lagi ada~ pastu dengar banyak kali hon. makcik tu pun mulala memekik cepatla kete dah hon tu! tapi dah ada budak lain pergi kete tu.... cepatla calon seterusnya! kete hon lagi. makcik memekik lagi. pastu ada pegawai cakap "calon tadi, lupa beg" ya Allah hahaha malu gilaaa dah la ramai gila orang jadi saksi kejadian! lega sangat sampai lupa bag ye. aku ambik bag cakap sorry sengih pastu kembali ke tempat tadi ngan senyuman muka watlek watpis watkul cam takde perasaan hoh.

pastu makcik tu panggil nama, kasi result dan sticker P :"")

"time kasih makcik, time kasih" makcik tu pun elok je balas balik siap panggil ai sayang yuu :"")

aku tak bagitau sesape aku lulus ke gagal ke. masa aku call mak aku mintak number abang tu sebab nak balik, dia tanya aku tak jawab. mehehe biar seprais. nanti aku balik nak tunjuk stiker P tu je, tadaaa! mesti memula dorang ingat aku fail heheh. aku habis sebelum pukul 12 lebih camtu. abang tu datang pukul 2...... k.

aku dahlah sebenarnya ada date. date bersama hajerah pajero. memula aku set pukul 11. pastu masa tunggu ujian litar, aku cakap "make it 12." pastu masa tunggu ujian on the road, aku cakap "make it 1." aku just bagitau dia aku ada dekat somewhere buat something. takde sape selain family aku tau aku ada test jpj. even masa aku dah lulus tu dia tanya pun aku tak cakap, bajet nak buat kejutanla tetiba drive ke tempat yang dijanji cehhh. sekali lambat sejam dua kauuu. kesian ma bebi. sebab berhutang penjelasan maka dialah orang pertama yang tau aku lulus jpj test huhu.

ma bebi. sampai je terus cari tempat makan. dua dua kebuluran

aku suka pakai maggi shawl tapi bila pakai megi muka aku jadi bawang. tembam nak mam macamla ketembaman aku tak perlu ditekankan lagi tsk. sampai hazirah tetiba cubit pipi aku pastu cam "eee ama pipi awak!" .... ok sobs. tak pernah terjadi. biasanya aku je yang cubit pipi dia. cubit pastu cakap comelnyaa, awak ni comel gila, kenapa awak comel sangat, dan seangkatan dengannya. dia pun dah bosan setiap kali jumpa camni. aku pun bosan jugak tapi tak boleh selagi tak cubit tak cakap! cam tak puas tak luahkan haha.

tak cukup ngan cubit, haritu aku tertampar dia sekali. serious reflex. comel sangat macam nak tumbuk, tampar tu kira cukup baikla tu lolol. dia cakap "tangan awak pun macam kaki awak ke ama takleh bajet?!" hahaha kesian, sakit ye. that's how i show my affection, i get physical :3

telur dan bawang HAHA

dah aku sorang je boleh cakap dia comel. yang lain takyah tengok shuh jejauh

gambar pun camni ada hati nak ambik wedding photographer?! kah kah kah

tak photogenic, gambar memang camni tsk. s4dl0if3.

aku nak orang tangkap gambar aku tapi 99% aku akan delete sebab tak sanggup tengok kah kah lagi

during the failed attempt to take decent pictures of me:

"ama kenapa awak segan ngan kita ni"

"kita memang segan laa orang tangkap gambar kita"

iye. tapi kalau aku tangkap gambar sendiri takpe. malah, aku handal bab selfies ni.

my selfies are the best! da bombz! ternganga uols kang kalau tengok. jadi taklehla tunjuk :3

pftt.

A Little Thing Called Love

khamis lepas aku dapat satu mimpi. mimpi ni lain macam sikit. 

aku mimpi ada laki datang jumpa mak aku sebab nak kawen dengan aku. laki tu ialah.......... MARIO MAURER! WEH WEH WEHHHHHHHHHH! ok ama, tarik nafas. mereka mungkin taktau siapakah gerangan mamat mario ni sebenarnya. WEH MARIO KOT OK LEK. so izinkan saya membuka cerita ye.

banyak aku nak cite ni. about the dream, the guy, the movie and my memories :3

THE DREAM

dalam mimpi tu aku ngan dia ni kira cam bercinta la, haha. alah apa ada hal aku pernah mimpi kapel ngan fahrin ahmad kot weh weh WEH. aku ngan mario siap bersaya awak lagi ya tuhannn comelnya diaaa! kitorang sembang semua pastu dia senyum kat aku ngan muka perfect camtu ok boleh tak aku cair sekarang boleh tak cubalah bayangkannn! walaupun mimpi, tapi ada la pengalaman merasa ok tsk hahah.

satu hari ni (berhari-hari ke apa mimpi kau) lepas kitorang jalan-jalan kat kawasan rumah aku (pebenda ni kata mimpi alang-alang gi la paris ke ish) dia hantar aku balik sampai depan pintu rumah. aku sajela jadi sopan tanya nak masuk tak? muka dia tetiba serius. dia kata nak. ah sudah. aku hanya berbasa basi! dia cakap nak jumpa mak aku. time tu aku dah okay.... nebes tapi eksaited hihiks. tapi kita tak bincang apa-apa pun lagi awak! lulz. mak aku tengah tengok cerita indon, time tu after solat jumaat. aku pun taktau apa logiknya aku date ngan dia kat kawasan sekitar bila orang lalu lalang nak gi masjid. jangan cuba di rumah ye. aku cakap ma dia nak jumpa. mak aku tensyen sebab kena tutup tv. aku suruh ma siap cecepat sebab dia dah masuk dalam rumah tapi tak masuk bahagian dalam lagi kat ruang tamu. dia tunggu je kat situ. nasib baik tetiba ada air sirap atas meja, so aku tuangkan je takyah bancuhkan hahaha keji. aku suruh dia masuk. pastu aku masuk bilik. nak cari something tapi last-last aku tak keluar terus, biarlah hanya orang tua yang berbincang ihiks. lama kot bincang. aku dengar je. mak aku macam taknak cecepat, yela aku takde cakap pape kat mak aku pastu kau datang rumah tetiba camni kan, aku pun terkejut. dia pujuk. lelama dia emo. sebab mak aku tak kasi dia kawen ngan aku HAHAH OK JANGAN GELAK. dia emo emo pastu aku rasa takleh jadi ni, so aku keluar je. tetiba kat ruang tamu dah ramai orang, ada abang-abang aku la sape la. aku cakap apa tah, tapi cam dah lah tu. aku marah dia. abang aku sorang pun terus "ah malasla aku tunggu lagi" pastu blah lol. aku cakap kat mario, ehhem lebih kurang camni "yang awak nak emo kat mak saya kenapa? saya pun nak tapi kalau tak boleh sekarang takpela. cakapla elok elok. awak dah tau dia nak jadi mak mertua awak pastu awak buat camni pulak, awak ingat dia nak ke?" HAHAHA OK KELAKAR GILAAAA TAPI MIMPI NI HARUS DIABADIKAN DALAM KENANGAN. MARIO MAURER DOH MARIOOO OK. time tu muka dia comel gila alahaaaai aku tensyen kat kau sebab paksa paksa mak aku tapi aku sayang kau janganla buat muka camtu mariokuuuuuu. jangan putus asa. nanti kita pujuk mama saya, ok bebi? 

ok the psychology behind dreams.

tau tak, semua orang yang kita pernah mimpi, kita pernah tengok dorang in real life? maksudnya kita takkan mimpi orang yang kita tak pernah nampak, sebab camne otak kau nak cipta satu muka baru? kalau orang dalam mimpi tu bermuka la. kalau tak... bangun mengucap har har. kita maybe tak ingat, tapi actually otak kita simpan imej orang tu. so bila aku mimpi mario senyum kat aku, buat muka comel gila nak mati, pandang aku dengan pandangan kasih sayang (hahaha), muka stress and sedih sebab tak dapat kahwin ngan aku cecepat (hahahaha) tu semua muka dia yang aku pernah tengok dalam movie. omaagaaaad!

walaupun kalau boleh memang aku nak kapel ngan fahrin tapi kawen ngan mario. mungkin mimpi tu tak bermaksud aku memang nakkan mereka, tapi ada maksud tersendiri. bila kita nak tafsir mimpi sendiri, kita akan subjektif. itu membuatkan tafsiran kita unreliable. macam tetiba aku terfikir, mungkin aku mimpi ni sebab.... padahal i might just be trying to fit my dream into my reality. my dream is the manifest content. but the meaning of that dream is the latent content, which we have to interpret. you're just influenced by your thoughts, desires, fears, be it unconscious or not. tapi mungkin mimpi hanya mimpi. orang kata mimpi mainan syaitan, aku kata mimpi mainan otak kita. Sigmund Freud pun cakap sometimes a cigarette is just a cigarette, despite him interpreting everything as having meaning. if it's good, just enjoy the dream because even though it's only a dream, for a moment you actually feel it is real, even though it's not in the real world. to me, that's good enough because it actually did 'happen'. ok? pesan kat diri sendiri sobs.

cukup pasal mimpi.

jadi mari kita cerita pasal mario pula. siapa mario maurer?

THE GUY

oh mamat ni je

.................

weh

WEH

WEHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CAN YOU NOT I CAN'T EVEN 

sumpah first time aku tengok dia aku tak rasa dia hensem. aku mana la minat mamat jambu thailand korea jepun ni, taste aku either pure melayu atau omputeh terus, pastu haruslah jantan ahaha banyak songeh kau, tak sedar diri. tapi lama-lama tengok... dia.... perfect. tak sesepet korea jepun, dan tak semelayu laki mesia, dia...... just perfect. ceyy

movie pertama aku tengok dia berlakon, A Little Thing Called Love. cerita ni comel camtu jela pada aku, tapi ending dia omagaaaaaad COMEL GILAAAAAAA! ending dia yang best, terbaik. kawan aku cakap dia menangis tengok cite ni. so the whole movie aku tunggu part mana la yang sedih ni? takde pun.... tak best ah kelakar je. i like it to be deep lol. sekali menjelang akhir cerita, menitik-nitik air mata. air mata sedih and hepi and i want it too but it's never gonna happen in real life it's too good to be true why can't it be me???!! lol. kalau suruh aku tengok balik cerita ni, boleh. tapi aku terus skip gi ending. for first timers kena la tengok dari awal, sebab ada plot twist di akhir cerita :3

meh aku cite cerita ni pasal apa dengan plot twist and ending sekali. maklumlah aku kan suka bercerita siap kasi spoiler lagi. 

THE MOVIE

kisah seorang budak perempuan yang dari tak cantik menjadi cantik dari tak pandai menjadi pandai senang cerita dari loser menjadi popular. kenapa? sebab dia suka sorang budak laki ni. itu usaha dia untuk budak laki tu sedar kewujudan dia seterusnya menyukai dia juga. sekali bila dah cantik, pandai dan popular, kawan budak laki tu pulak suka dia. mereka pun kapel. tapi dia masih suka budak laki tu. hari terakhir sekolah, mengenangkan it's a now or never thing, dia confess kepada laki tu. tapi dia dapat tau laki tu baru kapel ngan pompuan lain. pastu dia berlalu pergi menangis. 

that is her side of the story. not the whole story. jeng jeng jeng THIS IS THE BEST PART AT THE END OF THE MOVIE IT SHOWS HIS SIDE OF THE STORY ASDFGHJKL

his side of the story: ok aku takleh cerita. lagi feeling kalau tengok sendiri. sebab aku baik, nah video untuk mudahkan hidup korang. sebab aku annoying, aku paksa korang tengok. TENGOK AKU KATA!!

this is her confession

KAU TAKLEH RASA KE perasaan dia masa dia mengaku semua tu sambil berair mata pastu tersenyum takleh rasa ke kesedihan dia masa dia cuba nampak lek terima kenyataan pastu jatuh swimming pool basah basah depan crush dia pastu  tahan air mata berlalu pergi konon ok? TAK RASA KE T__T

this is his secret

TOLONGLAH TENGOK NI BENDA PALING SWEET + SEDIH TAU TAK

KAU TAKLEH RASA KE perasaan dia masa dia senyum sorang-sorang terkenang masa dia usha pompuan tu diam diam masa dia kata she looks the same kat orang tapi dalam hati cute as always takleh rasa ke kesedihan dia bila dia takut setiap kali dia nak confess kat pompuan tu pastu dia kecewa ngan diri sendiri sebab dia takut masa dia kasi bunga tapi pusing belakang pastu muka cam kenapa aku ni tak cakap je aku yang kasi masa dia nak confess akhirnya tapi kawan dia confess dulu pastu dia sedih kat tangga weh muka dia time tu WEH  masa kawan dia mintak dia jangan suka pompuan tu dia terpaksa setuju pastu dia sedih sebab dia takleh buat pape sambil tengok diari dia WEH

seriously macam-macam bunyi kuar dari mulut aku masa aku tengok video ni.  

silalah jeles dia buat muka camni dalam mimpi aku UNTUK AKU

muka camni jugak bila dia tak dapat kawen ngan aku HAHAHA

seriouslah kalau ada manusia yang cakap ending dia tak best memang i'm judging you. kau ni takde perasaan ke apa hah?! oh mungkin sebab tak cukup pengalaman untuk mendalami perasaan mereka, hew hew.

it gives us hopes, but still it's too good to be true. a prince charming falls in love with an ugly duckling? unlikely. lepas habis cerita ni, hepi untuk dorang tapi sedih untuk diri sendiri. makin down adalah sebab memang takkan terjadi! plot twist gila bila he likes you all along. tapi lagi plot twist sebab he likes you even when you think you're not worthy to be noticed. he sees you when you're invisible. ah dusta je semua tu!

dua-dua menyedihkan, tapi laki ni aku rasa paling kesian. pompuan tu at least ada tempat nak mengadu, nak bercerita, meluahkan kat kawan-kawan dia. tapi laki ni ada diari je lol. pastu dia kena tengok best friend dia date dengan perempuan yang dia chentaa. and then dia takleh buat pape walaupun dia nak. pompuan tu walaupun malu sebab confess tapi tak dilayan pastu jatuh swimming pool lak tu takleh nak pathetic lagi ke depan laki yang dichentai, and sedih sebab rasa cinta dia tak dibalas, at least dia dah cakap. dia dah lepaskan beban yang menghimpit jiwa. lulz. so dia ingat dia memang takde harapan and dia boleh move on, lupakan takdela stuck with you lagi. laki tu? simpan la lagi tunggu la lagi terseksala sorang diri. tolonglah bersyukur jika anda bukan mereka.

so don't wait until it's too late! don't be afraid! take your chances! at least you try! or you'll always be wondering why!

nampak tak betapa laki ni bukan je boleh buat muka comel tapi pandai buat muka sedih :3

dalam video tadi ada cakap 9 years later kan? ha jeng jeng jeng.....

OMAGAD SWEETNESS OVERLOAAAD

tapi gila nak tunggu 9 tahun. tahniahlah p'shone dapat bertahan. saya kat sini tunggu awak lagi. sobs

MY MEMORIES

aku rekemen semua orang tengok cerita ni. bukan je sebab sweet sedih kesian kelakar semua ada, tapi sebab cerita ni macam kenangan kot. kenangan zaman sekolah, era suka suki. kalau korang macam aku la. eheh. budak-budak tak matang buat macam-macam. heh heh. sentimental nostalgic giteww.

PEOPLE WHO WATCH THIS TRAILER HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE EXPERIENCE

so i'm gonna share something which is so rare: mine. heheehehe.

WALK PASS BY JUST TO SEE HIS FACE

but when he saw mine i looked away cey

KEEP HIS THINGS AS SOUVENIR 

sekotak ferrero rocher, sehari sebiji je makan. haruslah. muka cam aku mana pernah dapat hadiah dari crush sobs. sebulan aku tunggu. bukan aku tunggu hadiah pun, aku tunggu wish je. kemain kau simpan sebulan wish ngan hadiah sekali, apesal tah. tapi takpe. saya tak meminta nom nom nom. pembalut coklat, kad pokemon, surat koyak daripada kertas buku tulis pun dijadikan khazanah.

CALL HIM JUST TO HEAR HIS VOICE

ni masa darjah 6. aku selalu call crush aku, betapa comelnya zaman tu bukan semua budak ada fon, so aku call rumah je. lagipun takdela dia tau number aku hihihi. bila dia angkat "hello?" melompat-lompat dengar suara crush guling-guling atas katil hahaha. call lagi "hello? sape ni?", tahan napas, letak. tetiba satu hari, aku call macam biasa, dia angkat dan berkata "aku tau ni sape." WEH TERUS LETAK TOBAAAT. aku taktaula dia gertak je ke dia bebetul tau, tapi kat sekolah takde tanda pun dia tau tu aku. aku buat dek je ngan dia, buat cam biasa sebab ni crush memain gitu. tapi gedik kemain hmph.

aku ada lagi satu crush masa darjah 6. tapi masa berlainanla hew hew. aku tak call dia, sebab dia ada fon and kitorang memang kawan. so penahla main mesej semua. nanti dia tau la tu aku. solusinya aku suruh member aku call kan. tanya beday bagai. padahal bukan aku nak wish or kasi hadiah pun, just nak tau. nak ada serba sedikit informasi mengenai si dia lolol. bolehla aku cek bahagian horoskop aku serasi tak ngan dia HAHAHA WTH. layankan jela. bebudak. so kawan aku pun layankan je permintaan aku. aku siap kasi arahan jadi direktor sediakan dialog, "kau call dia tanya beday, cakap kau buat survey." patuh gila mamat tu, ikut je apa aku suruh. memandangkan aku pun jadi kuli dia jugak bila melibatkan crush dia. kami bantu-membantu camtu. balik sekolah jalan kaki sesama, cite pasal crush memasing. pernah sekali "weh jalan sebelah aku, pastu kau pandang belakang cek dia tengok tak kita. biar dia jeles" lolololol. banyak la peranan dia dalam drama aku dan crush (-crush) ku. lulz.

APEK YOU'RE DA MAN! :'D

DOES EVERYTHING TO BECOME BEAUTIFUL

masa ni aku tak kisah lagi rupa bentuk aku camne. biasalah sekolah rendah. kisah pun bukan buat apa, makan camtu gak burger sekali dua lol. stended la aku kejar budak laki ngan pembaris sebab dorang ejek aku gemuk. kengkadang satu sekolah aku kejar. kengkadang tak bawak pembaris, bawak tangan je. sebab tangan aku sekali penampar memang kau menyesal tak sudah. dulu zaman aku menampar laki, aku bukan jenis "hehehe awak ni" pap lembut. tapi "KAU PEHAL CARI PASAL?!" PANGGG! 

ada sorang kawan aku mulut ala-ala azwan ali sikit, jadi aku salu dok menampar dia tapi tak pernah ambik pengajaran. setiap kali aku tampar, muka dia merah cam tomato. telinga merah cam nak berasap. kalau kat bahagian boleh nampak tu memang nampakla merah kulit dia. kah kah kah. aku tak tampar pompuan sangat, kecuali sorang ni. tu pun sebab dia lagi besar daripada aku so aku rasa tak efek la tamparan wanita ku. tapi dia pun mesti mengerang kuat kalau aku tampar. maaflah ye tangan saya memang tak reti bajet speed and strength nya.

ada sorang budak ni. dialah yang paling aku menyampah, mulut paling patut dicili. dalam ramai-ramai memang aku benci gila dia. suka hati kau je nak ejek aku kau ingat kau hensem sangat?! sampai darjah 4 kami sentiasa bercakaran dan berkejaran (taula kau kurus tp jangan ingat kau boleh lari). masuk darjah 5.... plot twist: dia suka aku. hahahaHAHAHAHA APA TAK DENGAR, LAGI SEKALI? KAU SUKA BUDAK GEMUK NI?! last-last dia la yang paling jadi kenangan aktiviti luar bilik darjah aku time tu hew hew. sekarang dia dah bertahun dengan makwe dia. ingatlah, sebelum kau bersama perempuan hotstuff itu, kau pernah menyukai perempuan cold storage ini untuk setahun dua. gudbai.

ni pulak kisah form 2. mamat ni dikira paling hensemla ketika itu dalam kalangan kami. digilai junior dan diminati rakan sebaya. dia pun aku menyampah dan mulut patut dicili. time tu laaa time tu k jangan pusing cite pastu mengadu domba heh. dia baik memang baik, tapi mengundang. aku jenis malas layan dak laki kalau dorang ajak gaduh. dak laki kan suka menyakat. dak pompuan layan pulak tu, padahal tau sangat nanti kau jugak yang stress. so aku biar je kalau dia cakap pape. orang cakap sebab tu aku cool dan tak emo, aku taktaula kekeke. dia pun cakap camtu. tapi ada sekali, aku balas balik. balas balas balas. tetiba ada budak cakap something like "korang ni gaduh gaduh nanti kawen kang" pastu mamat tu cakap "amalina ni? kau suruh dia turunkan berat dia dulu".... KUAJJAAA LUUUUU! tapi aku just kata "kuajja haha" pastu pandang tempat lain. takut pandang dia lama-lama kang ada gak makan penampar wanitaku setelah dua tahun aku pencen. tak lama kemudian.... plot twist: dia suka aku. wehhh aku rasa puas gilaaaa! cam nak cakap je "aik aku tak sempat turunkan berat, kau dah suka aku?" I SO WINNNNN

sumpah aku taktau kenapa budak-budak ni boleh ada perasaan sedemikian. pernah tengok aku masa darjah 5, masa form 2? kalau pernah kau fahamla kenapa haha. aku rasa itu karma. tu la, orang-orang tua dah kata. jangan benci, nanti suka. jangan mengutuk orang, nanti dapat laki/bini cam dia. kah kah kah. nasib baiklah setakat crush kat sekolah semata. tapi terima kasih for seeing me when i was invisible. lol. it was memorable :'D

TIME CHANGES, PEOPLE CHANGE, BUT THE HEART REMAINS TRUE

wrong. the heart changes. unless it has found the right one. only waiting for the right time.

time is the variable, and the person is the constant.

tetiba deep.

"maybe you won't be seeing him again in this life, aren't you going to do something?"

i wrote a letter to my crush. actually my friends and i wrote it. crush memain yang aku salu call tu, jadi tiada emosi berat dan perasaan sebenar di situ. bolehla dikongsi dengan rakan-rakan tersayang proses nak confess. cuma..... aku tak confess untuk diri sendiri. aku confess untuk sorang lagi budak yang memang suka dia. hahahaha. well that was me and my girls; the whatever club. being mean in high school was too mainstream. so we did all sorts of things in primary school hehehe. sebab tu sampai sekarang sesapa from the same school ingat kitorang. kitorang tulis nama budak pompuan tu, pastu suruh kawan aku dak laki yang aku salu tampar sampai muka merah tu kasikan kat crush aku. macam-macam kitorang tulis. tapi takdela kejam sangat, memandangkan satu sekolah tau budak pompuan tadi suka budak laki tu. dia tak malu mengaku. tapi budak laki tu buat dek je kat dia. so aku tolong dia by mengaku lagi sekali. ngehehe. it was the second last day of primary school. the day upsr result came out. pastu dak laki tu dapat tau surat tu bukan dak pompuan tu kasi. dia mula tanya orang sape kasi surat tu sebenarnya. time tu cuak terkantoi ngan cuak dapat result bergabung jadi satu. cuak nak mati la jadinya. insaf.

BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF EVERYONE

so true!

it brings back memories :')

Love For Words

sometimes i chill on my bed cross-legged besides the window, pillows propped against my back and on my lap, the wind gently blowing, the moon beaming, the sound of machines disappearing as the night gets darker, and the music of the nature plays in the background as humans dream deeper, i choose to seek comfort in the beauty of words and soothing sentences. but novels and fictions are not what i long for, instead i caress quotes and poems, simple lines and sincere writings, of another soul who finds solace in the same way.

people who fascinate me are not the geniuses in science or the masters of numbers, but the creators of something carved on nothingness. the ones who paint abstract imagination, splash the canvas with coloured moods, give shape to messy ideas, straighten knotted thoughts, give birth to new characters, tell an unheard story, compose and unsung melody, write from the heart. do you know how hard it is to come up with something no soul has come up with? this is not a matter of comprehending complex theories of the universe, but creating a world out of the universe inside us.

you have no idea how much i love writers and how much i love to write. how i fall in love with words and sentences. how i fall in love with those who construct them with care and synchronize them with soul.

on nights like this, my tumblr is filled with texts rather than pictures. tonight i give my blog a glance of what my tumblr looks like, by sharing just a lil bit of what has occupied me in my own world, letting the one outside pass by and the time fly. disclaimer before anything else, i didn't write anything after the line below, they belong to their respective owners.

p/s: on my tumblr i write what i can not write here :)

my favourite spot :)

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“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”

“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.”

"Dear future husband,

I wonder if I ever cross your mind. I wonder if you ever think that one day, those pellucid, playful eyes of yours will see me walking down the aisle, my beaming face framed by a veil as white as snow. I wonder if you ever think that your wife, the one person you will share the rest of your lifetime with, is nestled on her bed this very moment, laptop perched on her legs, its keyboard producing clicking sounds as her fingers typed on it relentlessly.

It’s crazy to think you’re somewhere out there, walking on the same asphalted streets I walked on, driving through the familiar boulevards I come across, going through the same cashiers whenever you purchase groceries for dinner. One look and our eyes could have met. One brush of the elbows and we would have exchanged apologies.

Maybe we already met. Maybe we know each other’s names, not interested in each other yet to consider a relationship that’s both adorable and playful all at the same time. Maybe if I saw you in a new light, one where I could see the future we could have, I could step out of the comfort zone and smile at you. A part of me wants that, the impulsive, impatient, crazy part of me who can’t wait to hold your hand, to tiptoe just so I can kiss you, to feel your arm on my shoulder, to wake up and see the person I love so dearly.

Yet, I know I should wait. I know God is conceiving our story, from that time-stopping moment when our eyes would meet to the rapturous day we exchange our vows in front of Him. I know everything is placed gently in the right time, a rhythmic outline of two hearts intertwined, two souls finally coming together in a cosmic play of fate. So I will wait and continue on waiting. I know I will meet you someday. And when I do, when I write words overflowing with love so potent and so electric, when I look into your eyes as I walk down the aisle, I know that the time is right. Please wait for me too.

See you in the future.

Love,

your impatient future wife."

“If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.”

“Writers write about failed loves for a while; it makes for good reading.

But eventually the words die, along with any love left.

when a writer stops writing about you, you are essentially dead.

That’s why writers are the greatest lovers.

You were loved until the very last line.”

“Do you ever think about all the people who you might have fallen in love with if only you’d taken a different way home or stood a little longer in the bread aisle at the supermarket? All the people who might have been an integral part of your life but instead you’ll never know them. The unimaginable impact that our mundane choices have on our lives really gets to me. Think of how many times I might have died if I’d made different choices. Maybe I’d be homeless. Maybe I’d be famous. Maybe I’d be rich. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the impact of my choices that I can’t choose anything at all because I’m afraid today will be the day that I make the choice that changes everything.”

“What you are is a complicated girl with simple needs. You need your books and time to read, and you need a few friends and you need someone-not to take care of you, but to care for you. If you have all those things, you’ll always be alright.”

“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.”

"I’m in love with her.

Not the “Oh she’s gorgeous, I’d like to be with her.”

or the “Hey, she’s popular, I think knowing her would be good for me.”

or other forms of infatuation and self-serving love.

I love her purely.

I love her for her words, her laughs, her smiles.

The way her voice resonates in my ears.

The way her sadness echoes in my heart.

The way her eyes reveal a profound beauty I’ve never seen before.

The conversations, always short and always sweet,

never seem as lively and wonderful as with any but she.

Her spirit has invaded mine, taken over mine,

it holds me tightly in such a way that I would do anything in my power for her.

I love her for the way she is. Not what she could be. 

I love her because with her I can learn what it is to be a good man, a good person. 

To know her is to know the goodness in life, and the beauty of purity.

To know her is to know the sadness in life, and the weight of the world.

To know her is to know myself, what I am not, and what I have to learn.

To know her is to know love, the selfless love that exists not to serve, not to be served, but to be. To be two as one beings living as a musical piece;

with its occasional clashes, but always leading to harmony.

A shame that she is another’s."

"It started with silence, you see.

Everyone thinks you fall in love in extremes—the loud explosions of fireworks when you fall hard and fast, the liquid notes of violins when it’s slow and gradual. There are the in betweeners though. Those who fall in constants, confused and unsure of where the steady stream of emotions are taking them. Those who fall in love like breathing, traipsing with the inhales and exhales of their lungs. Those who fall in love with the nuances of a single glance or that subtle touch. Those who fall in love with the regularity of their beating heart, sensing the strength and virility between each thump. I was one of them.

It started with silence, you see. There were no words said, no promises uttered, no whirlwind romance or patient waiting. It was the shared, companionable silence that changed my world. They said it was neither romantic nor passionate but it was my love, and I didn’t really care."

“He asked, “What makes a writer?” “Well,” I said, “it’s simple. You either get it down on paper, or jump off a bridge.”

“Aren’t we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that they’ll tell us that we make sense?”

"I want a connection—a deep and lasting connection; a string that binds and grips and refuses to let go. I want to talk about books and falling in love with fictional characters and the scars I’ve accummulated from an author’s ink. I want to discuss Neruda over coffee and the significance of one thing when we take away its opposite other in John Green’s The Fault and the inequality in literature over race or sex or gender orientation. I want to talk about metaphors and avoiding two dimensional characters and better breaks between poems. I’m tired of small talks and ‘how are yous’ and the ‘weather looks good today’. Of course the weather looks good today. We’re in goddamn California.

I’m just tired of people who laugh at the void, as if life was nothing but a badly spun joke. I’m so exhausted of people who talk too much about nothing at all, as if the universe was held together by senseless words in lieu of gravity and temperamental souls."

“The scars healed over into poems.”

"She was too infatuated with misery."

"Dear future husband,

I love you. I love you so much that my heart is exploding in paroxysms of affection, of respect and of trust. I know I have no idea who you are and what you’re dreaming about and the words written on the pages of your favorite books. I don’t know whether you like ketchup on your french fries or if you can sleep with the lights on. But I know I love you, the way I know that the sun will rise in the morning and the waves will kiss the sunburned shores.

I love your laughter, your silly, little grin and the creases that form near your eyes when you smile. I love your sadness, your tears and the moments when you feel like watching documentaries (or whatever it is that you feel like watching) alone. I love your fears and your dreams and your aspirations. I love your mistakes and your past and the flaws you are running away from. I love you, wherever you are, whoever you may be. I love you because I married you, because I believe in God’s promises, because I believe in you.

I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait for the day you open a box filled with printed letters; letters written for the man who reminds me of God’s love. Know that I am always praying for you, with the hopes that, even if we haven’t met yet, my prayers have kept you safe.

See you in the future.

Love,

Your future wife"

"Don’t say you love me when you don’t know the songs I play on repeat when the skies are washed with hues of grey and I feel nothing. Don’t say you love me when your fingers haven’t skimmed the barest edges of my body’s scars and irregularities. Don’t say you love me when you have only seen me laugh, when you have not seen me weep or mutter a string of profanities without so much as a blink. Don’t say you love me when you don’t know the food I crave at 2 a.m. or the images that haunt me in my dreams. Don’t say you love me when you have only glimpsed the surface, when you have no idea about the abyss that lurks underneath."

“Directly, or indirectly, everything we write is for someone.”

“If every person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary - the world really would be a better place. And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.”

“So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”

"Dear future husband,

Watching wedding videos have always been one of my favorite ways to squander time. It is an overnight cure for when the thought of love no longer makes me swoon, for when I am starting to become skeptical of happily ever afters. The satisfaction of seeing people utter their vows to one another courses through my bones, like snow white doves fleeing the frigid barbs of their cage.

I taste happiness on my tongue, and feel the hope traipse along the sinew of my limbs because it can happen to me. It can happen to us. It can happen someday. It can happen. It will happen. 

On days when my mind wanders more freely, I think about you a lot. I wonder whether you would love my choice of colors, or the flowers I will carry on the bouquet, or the food we will serve to our family and friends. I think about how you will look in a suit, and whether you’d laugh or cry or both after you see me walking down the aisle for the first time. I think about the seconds when I’m seeing you beneath the veil, and I’m hearing you say your vows out loud, and I’m thinking this is it, this is it. This is forever.

I don’t know how we’ll meet. I don’t even know what you look like yet. But I do know this, knowing you’re out there, somewhere, gives me hope. Right now, that is enough.

See you in the future.

Love,

your future wife"

“As I mature I realize that I talk to myself more, I correct my own mistakes, I follow my own advice. Less people are around and that has allowed me to connect with myself. I’ve become one of my own best friends.”

“It’s wonderful to look back at our old writing and cringe. It simply means we have grown and can write better now. And you found some parts you can be proud of, so when you throw the old writing on the floor and stomp on it, remember to celebrate those seeds of genius and be glad that you’re still writing.”

“I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints, we’d only find yours.”

“I just wait because I think people will find me. And I’m not the kind of person who will knock on somebody’s door. I wait. If they’re good for me, they will come towards me.”

“We are the generation of nostalgia. We grew up in the age of transition. From hand-written letters to electronic mails. From film to digital. We were fascinated by new things, neglecting the way we spend our afternoons. Cupcakes and tea. Play-Doh and Polly Pockets. Young and naive. Technology completely changed the way we waited and we grew up too fast. The simple things in life seems more meaningful now. We grew up in the age of transition and have become the generation of nostalgia.”

“You just like the idea of me. You like the person I present myself under circumstances that I can control. I choose what I say and how I say things. It’s like being attracted to a fictional character in a book. They are scripted and made up. If you think about it, through writings, we all script and make ourselves up. I don’t share the person I become when I am upset. I don’t show you how I look like when I sleep. I don’t tell you about all the times I’ve made someone cry. All the guilty things I’ve done and the bad thoughts I’ve had.”

"Every frequency of light,

Becomes more intense, 

Every step feels lighter,

When you are on my mind.

The sun feels warmer,

Air tastes fresher.

Each passing second

Filled with waves of passion,

That I want to share with you.

But for now, I wait for you,

I wait for you

To come into my life."

“What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music…. And people flock around the poet and say: ‘Sing again soon’ - that is, ‘May new sufferings torment your soul but your lips be fashioned as before, for the cry would only frighten us, but the music, that is blissful.”

“May the space between where I am and where I want to be inspire me.”

“Life is sweet - even in sorrow”

“Don’t give up, okay? I know you’ve been hurt, I know how it feels. Believe me, I do. But the feeling will pass. The tears will stop falling. Your heart will heal itself. I promise you it will, so hold on. Don’t let go, don’t lose hope because I promise you’ll find someone who will treat you right the way he never did. Someone who will never ever leave you, the way he did. He’ll be worth the wait, so hang in there because I love you and I want you to be happy.”

"Her words disappeared in the

chasm of thoughts and feeling,

when only the wind chimes 

could hear her lips and heart laughing.

She drew comfort from paper

and sanity from ink, reviving her soul

until she couldn’t help but sink.

Sinking into tales and epics of faraway lands, 

of princes and princesses, wizards and ordinary men,

Of teenage boys and teenage girls

finding friendship and falling stars above,

and the enthralling constants of hope, life and love.

Pages after pages, she realized one thing:

she lived her life in fantasies she could only hope were real.

Until of course, he came."

they - the published authors and unknown writers - inspire me :)