This is a letter which i think will never be read by the person i'm writing it for, but if that person happens to, by accident, stumble upon this blog post, because there's no way that person will ever go here by intention (not anymore), i want to make it clear that i am not writing this for you, but i'm writing this for myself.
it has to be done, and because i'm a writer. i have complete liberty over what i choose to write, and you have your own choice too on how to let me write about you. you made your choice, and now i've made mine.
i saw your name, and i thought wow whatever happened to you? had it not been for the unnecessary notification about who likes and shares what on the right hand side of one social networking site, i totally forgot about you. this coming raya night will mark the two years of me completely being done with you. i know nothing about you now. i don't know you anymore. and i do not give a single care in the world. maybe i had given enough, there's no more left. maybe i had cared too much, i can't bear to care anymore. i can bet my life on it that you don't give a damn about me too. and that's okay. no, it really is okay.
but say you happen to stumble upon this blog post, let me tell you through this so called letter whatever happened to me. because i want to. because i can. deal with it *puts on shades*
so hello. lots have happened/been happening in my life since you left it (through the door i held open for you (i might have pushed you out a bit (and slammed the door on your face (not that you care though)))). as usual life offers its ups and downs, but i survived! not that it's my first time, you would know. but i can praise the Lord that i have been blessed with the best of people. the old ones who stayed and the new ones who came. what's better than good friends during bad times, right? maybe it's too early to tell, but i know these are the friends i can count on. not that it matter, since after 9 years of knowing you only then i knew i could not. maybe it's just me. my fault. once i stop trusting somebody it's as if i stop knowing them, so here i am to blame.
i don't like to say this out loud but... there are actually people who love me, or so they say. as friends and... whatever. never mind if what they say differs from what they actually feel, but what they feel - whatever it is - is a thousand times truer than what you ever felt. knowing such people with such feelings for such a me exist, i can't help but think of you, and how you were wrong. how wrong you made me feel. how wrong were you feeling. a friend of mine always told me this, you know, he told me that i deserved someone better. that i was worth so much more. he was right, others will see me as i am and respect me and appreciate me and not think of me as just another choice like you did. maybe they are meant to compensate for the time when you made me feel worthless. because i know how it feels like, i would never purposely make them feel that way. because of you, i know how little it can mean by "i love you." not that i trusted you, as i already had trust issues before you and you only made it worse, but i trusted you because you were my friend. now it takes me by surprise, why all of a sudden all of these people... but they do. he was right. you were wrong.
that was one thing, here's another. to ditch your childhood friend for some friends you just met? to not have my back anymore just because you were afraid they would make fun of you? to let them trash talk me just because you didn't want to be said defending your 'ex'? we knew no one was each other's ex, so why would you be such a coward? because you were, now we're really exes. ex-friends. not cool bro, not cool. it might seem small but that was worse than anything you ever did to me. that hurt the worst. that hit the hardest. that stabbed the deepest. if someone stops being more than a friend, at least they are still your friend. but if someone stops being your friend? there's nothing left. as if choosing other girls wasn't bad enough, you chose those guys over me. maybe you didn't do exactly that, but that was what it felt like. that was why i pulled away. and you didn't even care. you are better off with them now i see. thanks to me.
sorry, for bringing this up. this should be a letter telling you how happy i am with my life right now.
so yeah. in case you're (not) wondering, i am happy. i have had my fair share of tears and troubles since you stopped causing any, but generally i am happy. i guess the blessings i'm granted with and the blessings in disguise behind the tears and troubles are something to be thankful for. truthfully, the blessings in disguise behind you are some lessons worth learning too. i'm not trying to be one of those exes (-friends) who goes all out to show "hey look at me i'm happy without ya!" and sings I Will Survive, but i'm genuinely happy. i really am. and i hope you are, too. i really do.
i think i've learned so much these two years. i stopped learning about you, but i started learning more about myself and other people. and what i know now, has changed me. i am not who i was two years ago, and although i can hardly tell based on the almost no connection between us now, i know you are not the same person too. at least i hope so.
i knew from the start that i would end up apologizing for writing this letter, so... i'm sorry. i also apologize for everything. and i thank you for everything too. you were a good friend. and a good crush. lol. before it all. in the end the bad and the good times were there as lessons and experiences. in the end it made me better. i chose to let it make me better, not (just) bitter (anymore). i hope, even just a little bit, it made you better too.
it's funny how i used to care too much and now i give no shit, not for one bit. it's not your fault, or mine. or maybe it was us both. it was just how it was supposed to be. what didn't work out, worked out perfectly.
if there comes a time in the future where we will be like how we used to be, and that is friends who talk to each other, i hope we're cool. whatever happened between us, we used to be friends. close friends. i don't want you to hate me. you have no reason to. i do, though. muahaha. but i don't hate you. of course the urge to punch you on the face or the indifference about your existence comes and goes when i see your name, like it did tonight, which led us to this letter, but i don't hate you. i ignore you because i don't care, not that we've become enemies or worse, strangers. i might sound harsh or mean but you know me... you did. i was harsh and mean even when i had that 'harmless, nothing serious, little crush'. so of course i would be harsh and mean when i feel like crushing your inside instead. but you knew me, and i don't hate you.
if we will never be the same again, that is okay too. i have no desire to rebuild the bridge, mend the broken pieces, make amends or whatever. if it happens, it happens. i am happy as i am and you are happy as you are, so don't ever think of doing it just for the sake of it. don't try to be nice, i don't want that. we now as we are, is okay. birthday wishes, raya apologies, the formal stuffs, the acquaintance routine, the seasonal texts, those are okay. without those, is okay.
so yeah. okay.
bye.
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