Girls Are Goods

"kalau tak nak, buat cara tak nak. macam ama."

"kannn?"

"ama tak nak kan ama?"

"tak nak kot."

"amboi ada 'kot'."

"ok fine. tak. nak."

"kenapaa?"

"substitute good."

girls are not substitute goods. let alone complementary goods. we are normal goods. better yet, luxury goods. but if you treat us like we aren't, you are our inferior goods.


i'm so done with this don't even get me started.

World Hijab Day: Now Everyone Can Wear Hijab!

Can you imagine a day on which everyone wears hijab?

by everyone, yes, i mean muslims and non-muslims alike. of course, minus men (does it need to be explained?!) imagine no more! for tomorrow is the day and you can witness it with your own eyes! if only more people know about it and support it lah. know and support what you ask?

World Hijab Day!

i am sorry for updating this a little late on Keretapi, but i've already promoted this on fb like a week ago -

let's make this a reality ladies! muslims and non-muslims alike! this page is so cool, it even shares the experiences of non-muslims who try to wear hijab. cekidout!

"I am a non-Muslim that has chosen to dress modestly. To me, the hijab represents modesty, and spiritual devotion. I also feel very beautiful and even a bit empowered when I wear the hijab."

why for only one day, though?

"We invite Muslim Sisters who currently do not observe Hijab and also non-Muslim women to embrace Hijab just for the day... inviting and calling every Sister in Islam and humanity to DISCOVER Hijab."

ain't it cool?

you should really check the page out. 

it is beyond amazing to see hijab from a non-muslim's point of view, to think of hijab from a convert's perspective, to learn about these women who are being different in their environment, who are starting to practice Islam, a religion which is alien to their tradition.

why do i say so? because mostly, those who are keeping this campaign going are the westerners. but now, more and more people around the world are participating! the spirit they have to be in our shoes shows that their soul can still be purified, and Allah, to You i pray for their hidayah. the muslims and muallafs who live in countries in which the sight of hijab is something rare, yet they still wear it despite the opposite normality, the stares and the whispers, they are among those who do jihad the most.

if they can do it, why not us malaysian muslims? let this be the beginning of a hijab lifetime insyaallah <3 p="">

it's just amazeballs laaaa. look at em ere -

#1 "Dear sisters in Islam, if you lack the courage to wear hijab especially those who are reverts, ask Allah to provide you with the courage on a daily basis as I did. You will see that Allah will find the best way to give you courage and it will be tailored to your needs. Remember that if you feel alone in wearing hijab, the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH), and the Prophet Abraham (PBUH) too were alone at one point. But you are not alone, because you have sisters all over the world who support you and love you. May Allah Subhana wa T'Allah empower you inshallah." - Suly EsclavadeAllah, California

#2 "As you know, I have been wearing the hijab for 8 days now and have been reading the Quran for about 3 or 4 days. It has brought me peace and a sense of belonging, and therefore I wanted you to be the first to know that at some stage in the near future, I will be converting to Islam and living my life as a Muslim." - Jesse Rhodes (you can read more here)

#3 "Even though I am a non-Muslim I believe in respecting all cultures, values and religions. Inshallah this special World Hijab Day will bring with it more cultural understanding and respect. A women who wears hijab or more is the most beautiful as she is purely trying to please God and no other :) x" - Nicola Di Carlo Creazioni

#4 "9 months after I converted, I realized that my beauty is a precious gift from God and should be protected, letting only my husband and family see me. So it was then when I decided to stop being afraid and start being proud of the woman God created. Alhumdulilah." 

#5 "I am going to do this because I want to see what it is like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. I think it will be a valuable life experience. I want to wear the hijab the way a proper Muslima would, so I have a question... Do I wear hijab if I go swimming at an all women's swimming pool?" - Jennifer Garrett (how cute)

it's so inspirational. to know that some, many in fact, non-muslims who still care, muslimahs who wish to start covering their hair. so i hope you (yes, YOUUU) can spread the word to your family members, friends and others, regardless of their religion.

to Malaysians who do not wear hijab, just think of our sisters around the world who do against all odds. we live in a muslim country, you can see little girls, teenagers, ladies, makciks and neneks covering their hair, everywhere. it is easier to change for the better here, isn't it? be thankful you were born in Malaysia, so make the best out of it. although i admit, the number of covered muslimahs should be higher. well, that's the whole point, aye?

to non-muslims who support this campaign, you have my utmost respect. for not being judgemental towards us, and for wanting to actually experience dealing with judgemental people. if you live in a muslim country, surely the prejudice is not as bad, your little experiment might be embraced instead. but you may have to face your family and friends, and i hope as how you can change your mindset of us, you can help them to change theirs as well. we're not forcing you to convert to Islam afterwards, not at all. it's just an opportunity for you to feel it in your own skin, firsthand, and the rest is up to you. if you can say "i feel you sis" after a day of wearing hijab, and see the beauty of Islam, then it's more than enough :)

sorry for the language, but this is what they have to face :\

while we're in this topic, let me show you a vid -

‎"i'm such a sinful person, and yet, Allah invited me to his house. i'm so close to him." i feel you sis, i really do.

i've always been jealous of the converts. they're so special. as innocent as a baby. i feel so little. i've known Islam my whole life, yet they're better muslims than me. i always wonder had i not been born a muslim, would i receive hidayah too? or would i forever be lost, never find my way back like they do? maybe that's why i was born in islam... and even so, i've failed myself many, many times before.

truly, being born a muslim is the greatest gift ever. but one which we always take for granted. we don't have to sacrifice just as much to embrace Islam. these converts fight for their new found faith. but why do we let it slip away instead? T_T

how about my hijab experience? hmmm. i've blogged about that briefly here. 

i was a nine-year-old girl who wore hijab at school just because my ustaz told me to, and when i went to musollah to perform my prayer, i purposely let the boys catch a glimpse of my hair when or after i was taking wudhu'. it's just a glimpse, as though teasing them "hey look at my hair, it's so precious you're not gonna see them always!" i did the same too at sekolah agama. i wasn't properly and fully hijabbed at the time, so it was not a big deal if i did that right, it's not like the boys wouldn't see my hair elsewhere anyway. plus, i was nine. but yeah, a gedik nine-year-old maybe.

i wasn't gedik with boys, as in flirting and giggling and touching them (if you don't count the times when i was beating them up), but i was gedik in that way. i guess just like Freud's psychosexual stages theory, everyone needs to go through all phases, and gedik phase is one of them. if you're gonna be gedik, it's better sooner than later, right? hahahaha... k. why am i embarrassing myself like this, oh to get to the point.

the point is, now i'm a different person. i'm 19, and if a guy sees me without my hijab on, i think i would cry. i wouldn't know the difference between wearing hijab and not wearing hijab in term of society's treatment, since i started wearing it at a fairly young age. but maybe, maybe, this is why boys don't hit on me (this is strictly about hijab, we're excluding the factor of physical looks not being attractive enough here ok), why they don't simply offer their handshake, pat me on the back, playfully touching me, etc. not that some don't try though, and that's a puzzle i can't put together. 

maybe it's because many girls wear hijab now, it has become common, even a trend to some, that they think of it as only a norm, not a protective covering which comes with many boundaries not only in appearance, but in actions as well. i believe almost every muslim in Malaysia is aware of the do's and the don't's, we all have the knowledge of Islam, but knowing isn't necessarily understanding.

pengetahuan > pemahaman > penghayatan.

just think of Irma Hasmie. she said after she started wearing hijab, guys treated her with respect, and there's no more incident of kisses on the cheek at award shows, if ya get what i mean. yes she was a free-hair, you could see her aurah, but that didn't mean you could touch it, right? but that's what usually associated with them free-hair, that they don't mind being touched by ajnabis. they are always underestimated.

i feel sorry for them, for human beings judge too soon. if hijabbed muslimahs face prejudice in western countries, free-hair muslimahs do too in muslim countries. and the latter i think, is sadder. for muslims should know about not being judgemental better.

so, i might not feel respected if respected is "wow, you wear hijab, i on behalf of males all around the world declare my respect for you" but maybe, by not getting kissed on the cheek, that's also a gesture of respect. even if guys don't even know it.

so girls, if you want to be respectfully ignored, put the hijab on! yes it limits what you can or can not do, but isn't that the whole point?

here's a true story experienced by yours truly.

i was having a bad day so i sought comfort in a lollipop, for the first time in years. licking to my heart's content, i bit the chewy part and guess what. in the middle of it were ants! i nearly cried, you don't understand the frustration ok. they found a way through the hole in the stick. that's why although on the outside it was perfectly wrapped (took time to unwrap it) and its pink and white body looked perfectly fine, i couldn't see the ants filling its core (brb vomit).

see? underestimated again. just because they don't cover themselves, doesn't mean they don't mind being surrounded by flies boys!

you know how muslimahs are compared to lollipops in term of covering their aurah to protect themselves from evil eyes and hands? now i see another way to compare them. even if we wear proper dress code, nobody knows what's hidden inside, not behind the hijab, but in our heart. holes in a heart make room for black spots, it becomes dirty, hard to be removed because it's sticky... just like the core of the lollipop. but the ants couldn't hide forever, right? so what will people do when they find out the real you?

i'm not one to wash an ants-filled lollipop and lick it back, so i dumped it straightaway (the same thing shouldn't be done if we're talking about humans though, but still, some people prefer dumping.)


hence a lesson from this tragic first world problem, tq.


i myself, have been wearing hijab for years that i often forget this is one of Allah blessings. what if i still expose my aurah? or what if i reveal it again like i used to? Allah helps me, so i shall say alhamdulillah. not everyone gets hidayah, but that's the point of dakwah :)

i know that some free-hair girls are so much better than some hijabbed girls (even me ._.) in aspects of akhlak, ikhtilat, ibadah, but if they cover their aurah, it's not about being better than others, but it's about being the best version of themselves!

i feel so happy when my free hair friends show inclination towards wearing hijab, let alone if they actually start wearing it! don't worry girls, i will not expect you to be like those celebrities who upon starting to wear hijab, straightaway wear tudung labuh and become ustazah-like. of course it's good if you want to, but i believe consistent changes are just as good, if not better than drastic ones, as long as you're ikhlas and istiqamah :) that's what Allah likes too. insyaallah you'll get there. He knows, love, He knows.

girls who do not cover their hair are prettier with a hijab on and girls who cover their hair are prettier with their hijab off, but in the presence of their mahram only. your hair is the crown only the 'king' should see, for you are a queen of modesty :)

our hair is our dignity. no ajnabi man should know about it, so keep it as a secret. our hijab is our identity. it hides our secret, so wear it to keep our dignity untainted.


alright girls? luvyall, xoxo.

gurrrrrl ain't this a girly post.

Keretapi? Ayu?

Ingat tak aku cakap aku berkorban tak balik minggu lepas sebab aku taknak ponteng kelas?

pengorbanan sia-sia. sebab aku akan ponteng jugak. kan patutnya INTEC kasi cuti rabu, khamis, jumaat minggu ni. tapi tetiba kelas aku ada kelas pulak esok. padahal kelas lain takde aww. sume cuti. tapi kelas aku, siap semangat tanya lecturer ada kelas ke tak nanti. macam tak cukup balik kol 4 hari hari.

social science, everybody. don't let the name fool you. 

itu pun thanks to me, aku whatsapp our cute and cool psychology lecturer, mintak tangguh kelas khamis ni. being cute and cool, of course she said yes. french 3 jam masih ada, i only have one word to say to those who are coming: sufferrr (credits to our english lecturer who's cute and cool as well hihi). orang rumah dekat lima minit perjalanan je bolehlah ulang alik. tapi aku? 45 minit perjalanan tahu. dahlah takde lesen, takde kereta, takkanlah aku nak buat orang jadi driver aku camtu je. tapi ada hikmah jugak, adelah alasan aku skip kelas nanti hihi.

instead of going to lecture class tomorrow, i'll be going to driving class. #YOLO

oh i have an apology to seek from somebody.

to my lovely junior Shasha Azhar,

sorry! akak lupa nak buat thank you speech seperti yang dijanji haha. nak comment kat blog awak tak boleh, nak post kat fb segan, so akak selit kat sini jelah eh. thanks sangat for the post! terharu gila ai yuuu. shasha baik gila ngan akak, akak suka gossip-gossip girly-girly menjiwangkan diri dengan awak. tapi sekarang dah jarang dah. dululah selalu, since zaman myspace lagi. main tag tag gambar haha. awak cerita pasal.... oops. heheh. pastu kat sekolah awak selalu cam "hai kakak ayuuu," awww rindu. pastu akak pun "hai adik comelll" sweetla kita dua haha. tapi awak overrate akak oh. bila orang baca post tu mesti macam wow gila, tapi indah khabar daripada rupa... tsk. segan je. tapi kalau awak rasa akak macam tu, alhamdulillah Allah sorok apa yang tak best pasal akak. sobs. akak takut awak kecewa je nanti because you think highly of me ._. don't la don't. maluuu. pape pun, thank youuu. thanks for the time spent making that post, thanks for the good thoughts, thank you shaaa :')

teringat pulak kat sorang junior yang pernah buat post camni, Nadia Sabrina. Nadia awak privatekan blog awak eh, takleh akak cari balik post tu baca. har har. thanks jugak, walaupun dah lama :)

people always overrate me. remember that thing people on fb were into? "pm me a number and i'll make a status about you. the fun part is, only both of us know who it is about!" lebih kurang camtulah. i was into it too, tapi aku tak pernah buat lah. aku pm orang number je hehe. i was going trough a tough time, so i... kept all their answers in a draft. because their kind words - which i hope came right from their heart, even if the words aren't really true when it comes to me - made me feel better when some people were making me bitter. so i needed those, and i kept them close.


by Shasha

2503 - Awak comel, pandai, baik :D Awak idola shaa dlm akademik dan belog ;p Daaaan , saya sgt syg awk sbg senior (aww akak sayang awak jugak!) :DD . Nak tau tak , mula-mula shaa ingat awak pny boyf is -censored- ;P seriously (: Anyway , Awaaak lawaaa. (overrate gila ni haha)

by Junior no 1

2503 akak!I respect you gilagila lahh! at first i was like,omg! akak ni memang gifted! cause UR such a genius (no) and i kinda followed your blog entry (yeay! hihi) .so through your blog i kinda know who you are.ohoh!, you're perfect! in every way you can be. (i'm not...) i can't seem to find any way how people can hate you (HAHA IF ONLY YOU KNEW). if they do, maybe they're just jealous :P oh and you're having SPM next year right? Best of luck! Will be praying for you :D

by Junior no 2

0253- hehe my smartest senior. akak macam genius oh. (overrate alert) whyy? i want your brainn haha. and akak lawaaa sangat, putih and all, plus baik. (omg this girl is even prettier than Maya Karin so stop saying thattt) i wish i could be more like you :( (i have a crush on you honey) it seems like you dont have enemies je (in a way, true, cos I WON'T CALL THEM ENEMIES). haha and oh yeah i knew you since primary school. hehe cant wait to meet you this monday ;D ♥

see, overrate gila bapak lah semua hahah. i know they were sincere, but they didn't really know me either. sometimes i don't want people to know me. because then they'll change their idea of me. strange isn't it, when people can hate or love someone when they don't really know them.

moving on.

semalam selasa, lepas kelas terus aku balik rumah (thank God takde meeting peers haha). berikut adalah apa yang berlaku setelah sampai di rumahku syurgaku -

ma: uda cakap dia msg tapi ayu tak reply

me: ayu takde kredit

ma: mama bagitau dia ayu takde kredit, dia cakap ayu poyo

me: haha. hekeleh, dah orang tak reply tu pepandaila call ke apa ke

ma: dia cakap "tah tah ayu berendut ngan pakwe dia sebab tu kredit selalu habis"

me: eh tetiba. ma cakap kat dia, kalau ayu berendut pun orang yang call ayu. takde maknanya ayu yang call orang hahaha. asal ngan uda tu, salu ingat ayu ada pakwe. dah tak sabar ke apa

my bro being cute. pffft.

eh but i do call people. my girl friends. mostly using Digi Buddyz plan. free call and text baby.

rasanya kena explain kenapa family panggil aku ayu... aku taktau aku pernah tak explain sebelum ni, but here goes. orang yang baru kenal aku semua muka pelik je bila tau panggilan 'ayu' tu. ceritanya bermula dengan anak buah aku yg pertama. pada umur 5 tahun saya sudah bergelar makcik ya, so uncool. bukan je tak remaja, tapi tak kanak-kanak weh. gelaran diberi ialah maksu, mula-mula la. tapi bila anak sedara aku dah boleh bercakap, dia tak panggil maksu, dia panggil... jeng jeng jeng... ayu. beliau pelat ya. 

sebab tu maksu --> ayu.

mind blown tak?

puff kebabom.

sama mind blownnya masa aku bagitau skuad 1994, or now known as the ninety-force, mana datangnya nama keretapi ni. aku jumpa dorang ahad lepas, tapi 5 orang jelah. lagi 6 takde, lain kali mungkin. first time jumpa 4 orang tu, ada sorang tu dah tak heran banyak kali berlaga bahu dah (oh hai Nazu haha). macam biasa, reaction dorang masa pertama kali jumpa aku sama dengan reaction orang lain yang dah kenal aku dalam alam maya sebelum kenal kat dunia sebenar - "eh pendeknya! ingatkan tinggi!"

keretapi, everybody. don't let the name fool you. (cos i'm not 'long' like a train should be, geddit? no?)

bringing laptops where ever they go? you know, bloggers

oh ye back to the story. dorang datang kat seksyen 18 semata-mata sebab nak jumpa aku. eceh takde ah. sebab tiga daripada kitorang budak INTEC. sorang Palam. sorang Taylors. sorang UniKL. tapi dorang eager sangat nak jumpa aku, so dorang rela lepak kat Rafi je eh tak tak tak. k lepas dah dok kat Rafi settle sesi order semua, dorang pandang aku tanya

"sebelum tu, aku nak tau. mana datang nama keretapi?"

sumpah tak dijangka. blushing ai waktu tu.

"em, masa tu aku baru form 2. so em, macam mana eh. ok. korang tau... train of thoughts? ha, tu la."

pastu baru muka sengsorang macam ada mentol yang menyala kat kepala

"ohhhh!"

"haha, ok faham faham"

"baru form 2 kau dah guna word play camtu, woah"

"hehe mesti lah."

jadi begitulah. aku melayukan train of thoughts tu, jadi keretapi. masa tu baru pat belas tahun kan, taknaklah bunyi cam serius je. jadi aku tambah tutttutt belakang tu. konon tak nak cam matang sangat. tapi aku dah matang k masa tu ceyyy takleh blah. aku takkan tukar url blog ni, walau macam mana mengarut pun nama tersebut. i'll stand by you, tutt tutt, tsk.

ni first time rasanya aku cerita kisah di sebalik nama keretapi, padahal keretapi ni dah wujud 5 tahun kot.

well, i was just doing what i always do. procrastinating B)

If It Isn't That Love Thingy

"how do you know for sure, like, how do you know that's that?"

"sebab dia semua kita."

asking her about love, when i was the one who taught her about that.

"awak ni suka orang ke tak?"

she wondered, when i was the one who used to ask her that.

both events feel like many, many years ago. indeed, many years have passed. many things have changed. but some things, remain the same. i can't help thinking that i used to be ahead in the race, and my best friend was the one who started late. yet now, she has left me behind. the roles are reversed. she's almost there if God wills it, but i don't know when will i reach the finishing line.

i have a strange feeling that i won't feel it

"mestilah! kenapa awak tanya macam tu?"

"takdelah, awak cakap awak boleh je, tapi -"

"tapi takkanlah nak ambik je memana lelaki?"

"awak suka lelaki macam mana?"

"kita suka yang macam... entah. mungkin kita betul-betul tahu, bila kita jumpa dia."

"tak sabar nak tengok bila awak finally suka orang."

she said something like that, something which i once said to her, long ago. now, i don't have to wait anymore. but you, my friend, may have to do so. to wait for my right guy, or my right time, or both.

i can make a list of how he should be. but even if i cross out each criteria as i meet the perfect guy, it doesn't mean that's the right one i'm going to marry. when you see a dress on sale, you may like the colour, the pattern, the cutting. but something's not right. when you try it, it doesn't fit you. or when you imagine yourself wearing it, it doesn't suit you. you like it, but it's not for you. the same thing goes to jodoh.

it's not like i don't have feelings. i do. i of all people, have enough emotions in the world. it's not like i don't like boys. i do. she of all people, has enough information which is, confidential. but... entah. it's not as easy as liking another, falling for a friend, loving a stranger, and bingo, settle. no. not that simple.

it will be simple, one day, when the one and the time, come.

"when that day comes, i want to be there. i have to be there, okay?"

"ok."

"sebelum kita fly, dengan masa or after kita balik Malaysia."

"kita pun ada fikir jugak..."

"boleh pakai tak alasan tu bila bagitau mak awak nanti? 'kenapa nak cecepat ni?'"

"'sebab nanti ama fly-'"

"'sebab nak ama ada.' awww~"

"hahahah"

"awak nak ke, tu?"

"nak la..."

"kita actually cakap pasal ni for real kan. bukan berangan macam dulu-dulu. we're actually thinking and talking about it."

"haah kan?"

"awak dah besar. dah ada lesen, dah ada... dah besar. kita dua-dua takde lol. kawan-kawan kita pun dah besar. kita ingat lagi masa kita semua still form 1. first day kita jumpa awak, hingus mengalir lagi, literally. budak selsema."

"heyy!"

i had tears in my eyes and i laughed. it echoed in the empty college ground, bouncing from block to block.

as i grow up, i don't feel like growing up. but when i look at my friends, and how much they have changed - how even prettier they have become, how motherly instincts have developed in their once indifferent heart, how the one who doesn't look like she'll do it, has done it -  i realize, we all have grown up. we are almost grown ups now. they are the mirrors, reflecting what i don't see in myself. 

if you ask me, i would say i haven't changed. but that's what happens, day after day. let's be frank. when i was much younger, i thought at this age i would already have a 'someone'. when i was a bit younger, i thought, maybe, the 'someone'. when i was younger, i thought 15, 16, 17, 18 were old enough for almost everything. but now i'm almost 19.

maybe 19 is old enough to blog openly about things like this, eh? and old enough to tell my mother that although it is not in her best wishes at the moment, but if she wishes to see her only daughter get married, if she wants to be there on that day, i will try to grant that wish. even if that means early marriage.

people change, so do plans.

people are ready, but not destiny.

people wait, for fate.

"babai, dah nak maghrib. assalamualaikum, love you. say it back! ok love you too." we ended the almost-two-hour phone call.

do you feel? or do you want to feel?

do you love? or do you want to love?

the question of life,

do you? or do you want to?

you don't really know. until you really do.

Sendiri Tapi Tak Sunyi, Sunyi Tapi Tak Sepi

Wah tajuk. kalah novel melayu.

harini aku telah mencipta sejarah. aku tak balik rumah. awwyeaaah. bagi seseorang yang last sem hampir setiap minggu balik dan this sem mula mempraktikkan balik selang-seli, haruslah aku kira ini satu pencapaian. waii? let me tell you waii.

satu, aku tak balik last week. jadi mengikut teori aku wajib balik this week. tapi tetiba semalam aku mendapat satu epiphany. epiphany ni ada kaitan dengan point kedua. dua, INTEC tetiba bermurah hati kasi banyak cuti. memula semalam cuti. harini kelas. esok sampai isnin cuti. selasa kelas. satu malaysia pun camtu kan? tapi tidak bagi kami. atas sebab tertentu, dak INTEC dapat cuti extra dari rabu sampai ahad. ambik kau. jimba la sampai pengsan. nak nak lagi elaun JPA dah masuk kan. kenalah berjimb... at. er. berjimat.

epiphany aku berbunyi begini: kalau ini sekolah, dah lama aku ponteng jumaat dengan selasa, buat sem break sendiri dari rabu petang sampai ahad malam depan. tapi ini bukan sekolah. aku dah berubah *mata bercahaya* kalau aku balik hari jumaat, alamatnya liat gilalah aku nak balik shah alam hari isnin nanti, semata-mata untuk kelas 5 jam hari selasa, pastu balik kl balik. kan dah menyusahkan hidup orang lain dan hidup aku. tapi kalau aku skip hari selasa, maknanya aku dah pecahkan rekod sejak aku masuk intec, yakni rekod sifar ponteng. ye, sifar ponteng. awwyeaaah. 

tahukah anda sepanjang hidup aku sebagai budak sekolah, aku kaki ponteng? masa form 5 boleh kata setiap minggu mesti ada sehari yang muka aku takde. jadi untuk aku, bekas ratu ponteng, tak pernah skip kelas lagi selama satu sem satu bulan ni walaupun tonsel bengkak, hidung mengalir (runny nose) dan dilanda kemalasan tahap cipan, ini sesuatu yang besar ok. makanya, jika aku ponteng pada hari selasa, aku tahu aku telah unleash the ratu ponteng in me, dan aku akan nak ponteng lagi dan lagi sesuka hati. itu tidak bagus ya.

jadi aku memutuskan bahawa aku rela tinggal di INTEC hujung minggu + cuti sehari, dan hanya akan pulang ke kota halaman pada hari selasa nanti (walaupun mungkin kena balik hari rabu sebab petang selasa ada meeting peers pffft, selaku vice president aku haruslah menunjukkan muka, eh ada aku cerita? aku jadi vice alkisahnya sebab president yang dah dilantik dah kenal aku, dia calonkan aku di saat akhir sebelum pencalonan ditutup, aku cam wth, dahlah kena bagi manifesto pendek segala, belum lagi komitmen, so not my thing, jadi aku bagi manifesto paling selamba berbunyi "saya pemalas sebenarnya. tapi kalau ada tanggungjawab, saya cubalah galas sebaik-baiknya" walhal calon lain mempamerkan kredibiliti mereka dan menyenaraikan jawatan yang pernah disandang - list aku panjang sebab tu malas nak cite hahaha k panggg, dahlah dulu masa jadi naib pengerusi pandu puteri yang dicalonkan oleh junior secara tetiba, junior lain pulak tak puas hati, hah gaduhlah sesama korang nanti bila aku tunjuk kredibiliti paksa kawad korang jangan lari - aku pun yakin aku takkan diundi, tetiba lepas habis sesi mengundi dan kami dipanggil semula, cuba teka apa jadi, senior semua kata "haa yang pemalas ni, yang pemalas ni dapat", sihir apakah ini?! namun kawan aku kata itu bukan sihir, tapi aura hahaha panggg lagi)

fuhh.

jadi pendek cerita (lol), aku di sini. di rumah Akasia seorang diri. tapi aku tak rasa sunyi. malah, aku sangat perlukan kesunyian ini. so me. 

alah dulu study leave pun aku selamba sengsorang je, tido sorang, makan sorang. apalah sangat tiga pat hari ni. insyaallah takde pape, lagipun mungkin aku tido bertemankan teman tapi mesra aku, Wani. setiap bulatan persahabatan, kita kena ada seorang homo partner ok. she's mine *battling eyelashes* what happens in the toilet stays in toilet baby, hahahahah. haa hangpa dok pikiaq pa tuuu. cek dah gheti cakap utagha, thanks to Wani and Ceka. tapi depa kata cek cakap loghat pekat kalah nenek depa, dah natural hat ni nak buat lagu manaaa. hahaha amekkau. anda tahu ada spesis budak kl yang nak jadi orang utara celup? ha aku la tu.

cek dengan oghang kedah, Wani yang memendekkan diri

kami dengan orang pinang, Ceka yang vain berposing

namun diharapkan weekend ni productive lah sikit, tidak seperti study leave yang memang leave study betul seminggu tu. ish ish ish. kalau tak blajaq baik cek balik umah jaa.

angah boleh je hantar ambik hantar ambik aku, ulang alik. kata dia. tapi tak syoklah kan, rasa cam menyusahkan. maka tidak mengapalah, aku berkorban sobs. nak berdikari balik sendiri dia tak kasi. last-last aku sengsorang terperap kat sini.

the pits of being the only daughter and the youngest sister. especially to four brothers.

setiap abang akan ada benda yang dorang risaukan. wait, let me rephrase, paranoidkan. out of my four bros, only one understands that, yes, even though i'm still their lil sis, i'm not a lil girl anymore. in fact, all my life i've done things they won't approve of and taken care of my problems on my own, if only they know.

My bros and their paranoia -

1st bro: irrational things including what are included below

2nd bro: safety (i'm thankful for having a bro who's willing to be my driver, but sampai bilaaa)

3rd bro: studies (the only acceptable worry and the only one who understands that i'm almost 20, tells me to berdikari, which is made impossible by my other bros, and layan me when i make jokes about boys lol)

4th bro: suruh aku bagitau kalau aku kena buli atau kena ngorat ngan laki (despite himself who used to be a bully and a kaki ngorat pompuan juga). thanks for the offer, but wut r u gonna do bout it? menggangsterkan diri lagi? no thanks, aku boleh dan dah pun settle sendiri.

i have a in-denial-last-child syndrome. i try to do everything to get away from the typical anak last image.

but of course, being manja with mama doesn't count hik hik.

i always think the hardest part before i get married is to tell my bros about it. kalau dorang berempat semua tak bising tak itu tak ini mengalahkan mak aku, dah boleh sujud syukur dah tu.

"er, good luck!" bak kata Maria Elena kepada Asfirdaus. awww.

It's Never Too Late To Listen! Listen! Listen!

Assalamualaikum! rasanya dah lama tak mulakan post dengan salam. tsk. sama lamanya dengan tak blog pasal kehidupan seharian macam dolu-dolu. tsk. pebendalah yang aku blog setiap hari sehari dua kali 5 tahun lepas. tapi mohon jangan ceroboh archive. tulisan tak matang jangan dikenang.

so since the last time i blogged, many things have happened... but of course, you never did know and would never know muahaha. but the interval holds many, em, moments that would be memorable lah... if my forgetful scumbag brain will even remember it. i love you though, scumbag brain. you're the best thing that has ever been mine (well, one of) ♥

jadi marilah kita mengenang semula apa yang patut dikenang dan dirempankan di blog picisan ini. tsk. ye post ni akan diselang-selikan medium bahasa melayu dan bahasa inggeris. menggunakan justifikasi kelisyer blogger, "blog aku suka hati aku la."

Listen, Listen, Listen, Free Education Ain't Gonna Happen

that should have been Kak Pah's reply to Bawani's question. it's a cool reply than "listen x100" innit? no, i'm not saying free education ain't gonna happen, because i admit that i don't know that much about economics (besides what i have to know to pass A-level papers with flying colours). i want to know, though. so i can actually answer her question with a simple yes or no, supported by true facts and real statistics instead of rambling about the problems faced by each species on this entire planet. man the animal rights activists would love to have her in their club, as long as when asked about white whales she won't ramble about PTPTN pulak la en.

so, serious face on. when this issue was first talked about, i just made a vow to myself not to go online that night so i could actually be productive, something rare, just as rare as orang utan nowadays (i bet Kak Pah knows a lot bout that ) but i couldn't stop myself from turning on my pink laptop and staying online for hours... something normal, just as normal as baby dumping nowadays (i bet Kak Pah knows naught bout that cos ya know it involves human beings lol k). im sorry Kak Pah, but i just looove to make nasty remarks. only most of the times i don't. ah here comes the guilt. now where do i find you to ask for an apology? not at peace of course! HAHAHAHHA STAHP AMA.

serius rasa berdosa gila. maafkan saya.

so, serious face on.

i'm not gonna touch anything about politics or even economics. but 

1. respect others as how you want to be respected. basic life rule la kak. you said you gave the girl respect, lolwutwen? well maybe, before you took away that mic from her. and whenever did she not respect you? she was asking questions, most of em were directed to the panel and the government, so why the hell would you be offended? ok now come the whispers that i'm being biased. k fine. Bawani should have asked it in a mannered way, the lower the intonation the better, because apparently to some people charisma and confidence are disrespectful. Kak Pah has charisma and confidence too, right? but unfortunately in this case it's not how you say it, but it's what you say.

2. jangan potong masa orang tengah bercakap, itu biadap. biarlah budak tu habis cakap dulu. kalau apa dia cakap tu mengarut, apa awak nak takut? biar dia malukan diri dia, tengok sekarang awak pulak lagi teruk dimalukan.

i got this all the time lol, TAK MELAWANLA TAPI TERANGKAN KEBENARAN

3. even if the girl was wrong, just tell her she was wrong, and why. what's up with "animals have problems too"? kalau tak tahu nak jawab, cakap tak tahu. jangan malu nak mengaku, it's okay nobody expects you to know everything, no matter how big your position as SW1M president may be. you could have been a lot less embarrassed then than you are now. kesian.

4. ye hidup haiwan memang sadis, tapi manusia ada mulut ada akal, sebab tu kami bersuara. kata negara demokrasi. sampai bila nak sumbat fikiran pelajar dalam acuan? bila kami boleh mula berfikir sendiri? kalau kami berfikir sendiri dan apa kami fikirkan salah, maka betulkan, tunjukkan bukti. tak perlu plaster mulut kami. bersyukurlah tak ramai budak cam Bawani. kalau tak, tak cukup plaster nak beli.

5. you're better academically and whatnot, so please act accordingly. if that girl was rude, then why were you following her standard? chill. so unprofessional of you, the degree holder. even i'm only at pre-u level, i would like to say that.... almost everyone has a degree now. so calm your degree down.

6. lady i actually pity you. not being acknowledged by those you supported, that must hurt. even they were embarrassed to have anything to do with you, when you have gone all the way to back them up... ouch. and those who bekap Kak Pah in the hall, applauding like she had just replied with the cleverest answer, well, really? rly yu guise? rly? someone talked loudly and boldly and straightaway you clapped with all you had? did you even understand a thing she said? what a shame. it would have been so much better if all Kak Pah's ramblings were followed by awkward silences. oh my god, so much better.

don't worry yourself Kak Pah, even Britney made it through

7. Bawani was rude for asking the question after the closing ceremony? then when she sent in her question to be answered during Q&A session, why was she ignored? you ignored her so she asked it anyway. i bet you didn't see that coming did ya? then what's up with the ridiculous oath? was the forum not supposed to involve anything politics? but then why was the title itself contained the word 'politics'? and where's the part 1, 2, and 3 of the video? oops i should stop myself there.

i think i could go on and on, but naaah. this has taken more space than my personal life on my blog lol.

disclaimer: i'm not showing any inclination towards any political party, i'm merely showing my ability to think and voice out my opinions, which everyone luckily still has.

Personal Life

wait is that a joke? hahaha good one.

ok bai.

Some Dreams Aren't Meant To Be Chased

Sigmund Freud said dreams are unconscious thoughts, repressed wishes, silent desires. or just, meaningless coincidences. just as how some rather weird dreams are colouring my sleep lately, even more so when my psychology classes are focusing on the topic of dreams - nothing but a coincidence. but are the dreams formed by thoughts, wishes, desires, or merely, are just meaningless?

i have always been one whose world of dreams is as alive as the world of reality. remembering my dreams is not really a problem, although most of the memories will fade over time. but those which are distinguishable, remain. the one when the world was ending in my version of vision, the one when in my dream and in reality i felt as though i was strangled and chocked to death as someone climbed over my back - also known as kena tindih, the ones when my loved ones died and i cried in my sleep, just to mention a few. and not to forget, the one when Fahrin Ahmad was my boyfriend and Rupert Grint was my brother. hew hew.

anywayyy. so these are some of my latest dreams. my dreams are often long in duration and plot line, but naturally i will just remember the main plot and main characters vividly. all these dreams took place in two weeks time.

Because of a Cat

yes, i give my dreams a tittle. get over it. i was back at school (making it literally a nightmare), there were familiar faces. we had just finished a paper or something, and i was wandering with my friends or something (oh sorry forgot to warn you: be prepared to encounter many 'something's in this post) and we found a kitten. being a sympathetic human being that i am, i brought it to my class. in the class, i, apparently was sitting besides someone. in dream and in reality that someone and i have barely exchanged any word for a while, indicating a fight, or simply falling apart. being a fear-of-responsibility person that i am, and a cat lover that that someone is, i had no other choice than to hand that someone the kitten.

as we were going back home, i noticed that someone left the kitten in the class, so i called after that someone and shouted at that someone to bring the kitten back with that someone (alright i know it's a pain in the neck to have to repeat 'that someone' a few times in a sentence, but for confidentiality, just bear with me). so that someone was like, alright alright. in that dream, i made amends with that someone, because of a cat.

interpretation: i have been hoping to reconcile with that someone. i think i just miss the friendship, that is all. i know my life has been affected not even a bit without that someone, and surely so has theirs. i don't need that someone, not at all. but sometimes, when i see others with similar friendship, i long for that something familiar. at those times, i wish we were still friends. but i live, and they live, and that means i'm fine.

Serenity With a Stranger

i know this person in real life. but i do not know his name. i've exchanged a couple of words with him, and a smile, but i do not know his name. maybe i should, but being me, i don't. in the dream we were at a place where i first got to know him, but in a different setting. like a hotel (?). i spent my time walking alongside him, barely taking, but i felt at peace. i don't know. there was this comfort and calmness in his presence, and i really liked that.

in that 'hotel' there was something like.. aquaria? lol. we hanged out in there, him playing with the fish and i sight seeing. i bumped into my ex-classmate. whom in real life has involved me in his conflict with his girlfriend -..- ended up befriending me on fb and her blocking me -..- without me knowing -..- tetiba je aku dah kena unfriend block bagai. bila terserempak, muka awek kau dah lain tengok aku. tah-tah kau kencing dia memacam pasal aku. dude if you have to bs your gf you don't have to drag me into it. maaf teremo. even in the dream i asked him about it ok. he apparently came with his gf, who was in MPH at that time (learning institute, aquaria, and MPH all in the same building looking like a hotel? dreams don't make sense alright).

that person, backed me up and cooled me down. home was in the building too. senanglah hidup camtu, semua dalam satu tempat lol. when i said i wanted to go home, we were in a lift. he was in control or something, so when the  doors opened to reveal my house (or hotel room) i was surprised. like how the hell did you know where i live? and he just smiled, watching me as i left.

interpretation: nothing, i think. as this dude bears no significance and whatsoever in my life. we aren't even friends. we only have something in common. i just really like the comfort and calmness he made me feel in that dream, like i've known him forever. i felt safe and secured.

The Face

that's all i remember. i don't remember what the dream was about, but i remember the character. and that is all that does matter.

interpretation: Freud, in this case, may be talking sense.

Sharing Home

this dream revolved around many destinations but the main focus is my house. we got back from somewhere or something, and guess what? a family of strangers were in my house. conflicts aroused. who on earth are you guys? why are you here? this is our home! they also asked us the same questions, and answering ours, they said they had been living there all their lives. they even showed us their pictures, in albums, framed on walls, but we have ours too! what sorcery is this?! this is impossible, i have been living here all my life too, i said. this house had only been occupied by our family alone, and no one else.

both families were puzzled as the other, so we sat at our dining table, the one in the living room. then i said something like "what if they have been living with us all this time... and we just don't see them?" jeng jeng jenggg. then it all made sense. maybe they didn't see us too. it's mysterious, but the fact that both families were clueless, made it less scary to think about. then i asked what were they; jin ke, orang bunian ke, hantu ke apa? lol. i even asked them what they were made of because they were not sure themselves.

interpretation: i hope this is nothing, nothing, nothinggg but a meaningless coincidence. goosebumps.

Still There

I was at Intec, but the setting was somewhat like a regular school building. we had a program, an activity or something. i was doing things with my friends, and suddenly i pricked myself with a needle. i  pulled it out of my finger, and of course, it bled. but i moved on with my life lol. the only thing was it didn't stop bleeding. it was only a needle, but my finger bled as though i cut myself or something. blood was dripping.

then i saw a friend. upon seeing her i told her about it. she asked to see my finger and when she did, she pressed it hard. guess what? a or, the needle came out of it. i was like woaaah. the hell? it was there all this time? i could have died! lol. ye laaa doesn't your mom ever tell you that if you get pricked by a needle or pieces of glass or anything, it gets into your veins, it will block your blood flow or flow with the blood and get stuck in your heart or something? ok i don't know if it makes sense but the thought of it is scary you know. so Syaza Nazura, i thank you for saving my life hahaha.

interpretation: because it's kinda nerve-wrecking in the dream and even in reality needles are associated with spooky stuffs, so i tried to google what it means but to no avail :\

The Proposal

yes people, i dreamt someone proposed to me. there were many other parts and people as well, but the point is someone freaking proposed to me in my dream. it's not the first time i had dreams of this nature, in the past i had dreamt that i was forced to marry someone who was much older to the point i was thinking about running away (drama melayu much) and another dream was about someone else who was wearing white baju melayu with rombongan and all coming to my house, but i was not sure whether they were coming for me or someone else... still am not sure. and a few others, if there's any, which i don't remember.

but this time the dream was just different. it almost felt real because it was not all jumbled up like dreams usually are. in that part of the dream, it was just the guy, handing me the ring. after that i left and told my friends about that lol. i will not reveal the guy and my answer, but one thing i shall mention: it was a freaking diamond ring in a freaking pink box. DIAMOND. BESAR SIOT. haha. even in that dream i was wondering where did you get all the money? i adored the ring though, hehe.

interpretation: i don't want to interpret this. lulz.

ok so that's it... kot. obviously i came up with the interpretations myself. 

hmm. i need to have a dream diary.

and oh, since we are in the subject of dreams, here's some friendly reminder

THAT THIS WILL ALWAYS BE ASDFGHJKL. knite. sweet dreams!